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Video of Jessica Biel Nude Scenes in Powder Blue, Compiled!

Drew Grant — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Jessica Biel may be too busy crunching her abs or making sweet, sweet love to Justin Timberlake to comment on the apparently excessive nudity featured in her new film, Powder Blue, but that didn't stop some genius from putting together a montage of all Biel's best "acting," moments in the Christma-hooker drama. Watch her strip to Cat Power (no seriously, Biel got duped into starring in my freshman year boyfriend's Cinema 101 project), after the jump.

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Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

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Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:50:00 GMT

First, there were breastaurants. Now, New Zealand has started a new trend-- dudes dressed like Chippendales dancers waiting on you, hand and foot, in a dining establishment...

They even have a company name that's too absurd to be true, so, of course, it is: Strip of Meat. Man meat, of course. The two gents pictured above are in charge of the waiter-for-hire operation, which is sort of like when Park Avenue socialites called up a Rent-A-Beatnik service in Greenwich Village in 1958 and amused themselves by listening to bad, "deep" poetry. Except with more pecs.

"I wasn't even wearing an apron, just a pair of underpants and a bow tie.

"It was a bit raunchy and made me realise there is a market out there."

The topless waiters were definitely not strippers and would normally be dressed in black trousers with an obligatory bow tie, he said.

Strip of Meat had already done a few hen's nights in Wellington but were also available for baby showers, dinner parties and even corporate functions.

Sign up now, ladies and (gay) gents, as the national news media has already ensured they'll be booked for the next 26 years, until they're all flabby from garbage-mouthing foie gras in your kitchen.

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BBC's Topless Ambition

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Kirsten O'Brien just did a documentary called Kirsten's Topless Ambition for BBC3, which is all about her boobs. More specifically, the documentary discusses the question that has been bugging women in the entertainment industry for years: should I take my boobs out for a wank mag like FHM or keep getting stuck in this Grade-Z TV rut?

O'Brien had been working as the host of a kids show for over 10 years when she took a look around her and realized that all of her female friends in the business were making it big and she was being left behind. As O'Brien told the British press:

"Over the years, it's something I've watched women do, and it's fascinated me.

"Now I'm at a career crossroads and that's the usual point in which women do a shoot, when they say 'I want to get out of kids telly, what do I do? I know, I'll get me swimsuit on and get me la las out'," she says, laughing raucously.

Instead of taking her, uh, "la las out," O'Brien had herself tailed by a camera crew and debacles like this one were captured for posterity:

She dances for the nightclub owner in an attempt to prove she can stop laughing long enough to look good on the podium.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well.

"That was quite interesting! I embraced the challenge of it, there's no point forming an opinion on something unless you've explored it a little bit," she explains.

"The girls I met were lovely too, really friendly and helpful. That's not to say I could do anything by the end of it!

"What's not explained in the documentary is when you see me run upstairs to do my dance for Peter Stringfellow, I've got the most ridiculous tutu on. I was trying to figure out what to wear, and someone said 'Peter's here and he can't wait' so I had to run upstairs, wearing the tutu, but still with with my jogging bottoms on underneath.

"I did want to try properly, I didn't want to mess about, so when Peter started laughing at me I was upset," she continues.

"There was one point when I shouted at him, 'Peter, man, you're not taking this seriously' but he carried on laughing. So much so that I decided to stop.

"I did genuinely try, although it might not look like I did!" [Chester Chronicle]

Sounds like going naked isn't for everyone. Then again, we need some girls-next-door that aren't taking their clothes off to develop crushes on. We can't have all the girls be half-naked because that would take the fun out of wishing they would all get naked.

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"You Traitor Pig!"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:34:00 GMT

Yesterday, we showed you why it's important to avoid Facebook when you're pretending to need a sick day from work.

Today, we'll show an even more dangerous trap users can fall in to-- especially if those users are planning on having a wild bachelor party...

A guy, known in the media as Antonio M., was tagged in a photo on the social networking site-- the photo, it so happens, featured what appears to be a naked stripper behind him. (In the first place, nudity isn't allowed on the website-- so why did he even bother?) Instead of yelling at him for hanging out with naked women, his fiancee flipped the fuck out: she and a friend printed hundreds of posters (see above) and tacked them up around their Italian town, particularly near his office, the homes of their mutual friends, and other places of interest during their relationship. She called him a "traitor pig" for cavorting with this young woman, although there really isn't any evidence he did anything but have a stripper at his bachelor party (or attend a strip club or something similar.)

It doesn't matter-- 28-year-old Valerie A. signed the letter "your former betrothed bride and the 548 guests of our wedding."

Via Metro.

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Girls, Girls, Girls: World's Greatest Strip Club Reopens, Is Hiring Hundreds of Broads

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

The Body Shop in West Hollywood, California, is the world's top strip club, hands down. It's not about class or style or even decent drink prices. It's about history.

All those historic touchstones were burned away thanks to an electrical fire in 2008, but that hasn't ended owner Salah Almudarris' dream of dominating the entire state's strip club market...

Almudarris reopened his club on Thursday with a reduced staff-- and he claims to be seeking up to 500 strippers (!) to add to his roster. My God, where does he fit them all? With approximately 50 girls dancing a night, each making between several hundred and $1,000, the Body Shop is small but important part of the local economy-- after all, the club doesn't have a liquor license, so customers are encouraged to frequent area bars before stepping inside.

Two key facts before we get to the historic photos: 1) The club was immortalized in that "classic" Motley Crue song Girls, Girls, Girls and 2) Megan Fox fell in love with a stripper here, as reported by every major media outlet last year, including Scanner.

What the...? Dirty old gnome, get your own partially-nude woman...

Via SFGate (right-click to open in new tab/window.)

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

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Showgirls 2: Shoegirls

Colleen Kane — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:15:00 GMT

Apparently in Akron, Ohio there is a classy gentleman's club called Club 1245 that does not discriminate based on age. They recently hired a stripper in her fabulous fifties, and when she showed up for her first day of work, things went horribly wrong.

The new hire was feeling the effects of the recession and took on this new job. But when she entered the basement dressing room for her first shift, police say she was attacked by another stripper. The attacker, a black woman in her late 40s, allegedly struck the victim in the face with a stiletto heel repeatedly.

Lt. Rick Edwards said the other strippers saw the new one as competition, and said they didn't need any more strippers around here.

The victim was taken to the hospital, where she recieved seven staples for the cuts on her face. The victim opted not to make a police report and left the ER before police arrived, but the hospital staff filled in the authorities as required by law in the case of an assault.

What else is there to say here? O-hioooooooooo!

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Men Have Been Waiting For These Jessica Biel Topless Photos Since 1997

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Ever since the maturity of Jessica Biel, readers of Maxim and other perpetual droolers have been wondering "when is Jessica Biel gettin naked aready ??!?" Surprisingly, she wasn't holding out for a period piece or an Oscar-worthy performance as a nun-cum-prostitute in a Ron Howard movie.

The lucky winners are the producers of Powder Blue, which apparently boasts nothing else noteworthy, since no one even seems to know what the plot of this film is. Here's what we've retained from reading various blogs, press notes, and reviews: Powder Blue has its theatrical release in two weeks, and four weeks after that, the movie has its DVD release. This movie must be so atrocious that the filmmakers don't even hold out hope it's going to have a substantial box office take after a month.

Click on any of the following set of photos to get a new window, then you'll be able to blow these up to their full glory.

And even though these delightful pictures are easier on the eyes than, say, severely washed-out photos taken in a darkroom, that's exactly what the final cut looks like:

Members of the Perv Club... this is definitely our rental for the June meeting...

Former Disco Dancer Shocks British TV Audiences With Latest Routine

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:12:00 GMT

A woman whose story reads like a 50's pulp novel survived multiple rapes, beatings from her mother, and a forced performance in a porno to become a disco dancing champion, before retiring to become a housewife. On Saturday night, she staged her second comeback on Britain's Got Talent, the Simon Cowell-run spectacle that has seen some serious competition lately.

But Fabia Cerra takes them all down, easy, in our book-- watch what happens when this polite, nervous size 20 sweetheart does after taking the stage for the live taping...

We apologize for this bootleg-quality YouTube video, but the others have embedding disabled. (You can watch the HQ version here.)

Here's what those pesky Union Jacks were covering up:

See you in the finals, Madame Cerra, although it seems some stuffy Brits won't be tuning in:

Ofcom revealed it has received 39 complaints since the programme aired while a further 40 viewers complained to ITV, according to the Telegraph.

Photos via the Daily Mail.

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Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:21:00 GMT

Anna Nobili now performs "The Holy Dance" at Jerusalem Basilica in Rome, but it isn't the only dance she's been known to do. The 38-year-old was a lap dancer for years in Italian nightclubs before her mother turned her on to the Lord.

Anna sported a rather different look in her lap-dancing days...

She was moved a few years ago to her life touring prisons and hospitals with her Christian modern dance after Jesus appeared to her. "At first I didn't want to know, but then Jesus appeared to me too, and I fell in love with him," she told BBC World Service.

We're just wondering how well modern dance of any kind goes over in prisons...

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Why Marisa Tomei Finally Went Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:04:00 GMT

Marisa Tomei gave an interview to TotalFilm this month on her career and, most importantly to readers, her decision to accept a series of roles that required sex and nakedness.

We hesitate to use the term "revealing" when describing this excerpt (and accompanying NSFW photos, of course), but maybe that's because the pun is so obvious...

"I definitely feel like I didn't want to do that kind of thing when I was younger because I didn't think that it was something a serious actress would do, in a way there is validity to that...
"It's harder to be taken seriously when you're younger, doing [nude scenes] but I've also come to a point of being able to handle the reaction to it - that probably would have been more difficult when I was younger."
On finally undressing for The Wrestler and Before The Devil Knows You're Dead: "I did those two movies because I was grateful to have them come along, frankly.
"I wanted to work with Sidney Lumet and Ethan [Hawke] and Phil [Seymour Hoffman] and Albert Finney.
"Actually, I wasn't so thrilled about the nudity package that was coming with it, but it was the best thing that was offered to me at the time and I really wanted to work, and I trusted Sidney so much.
"Maybe growing older there's an inner sense of what I can trust and I knew I could trust him. So it came out of that." [Press Association]

Growing older or not, this was worth the wait. Keep 'em coming, you amazingly talented, sexy, and very naked "older woman..."

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Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

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Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:38:00 GMT

Fifty-seven-year-old Ralph Reese was fired from his job as a clerk at Whole Foods after he took a tuna sandwich out of a trash can at the end of his shift, this violated the company's policy that food cannot be takine without being paid for. [CityRoom]

"Not an Onion headline: Gwyneth Paltrow's Bikini Waxer to Pen Book About 'Being Sexy'" [LustyLady]

Taylor Swift still does not want to talk about sex. [People]

What kind of douchebag puts fake money in a stripper's underwear? This kind. [AP]

At a SXSWi panel today, a blogger for PETA asked the icanhazcheeseburger guy how he could make the PETA blog funny. Pamela Anderson's lettuce bikini is a good start, no? [Inquisitr]

Pope Benedict “What Holocaust?” XVI is at it again, this time claiming that condoms are not the answer to the AIDS crisis in Africa. The pontiff, speaking to journalists on his flight, said the condition was "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems". Whaaaaaat? [Guardian]

[Image via PETA]

Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.

Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?

A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!

Q. I hear ya.

A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!

Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?

A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!

Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?

A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)

Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?

A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--

A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.

Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?

A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....

[transmission cut]

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PETA Gives Up, Decides to Just Have All-Stripper Campaigns

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:29:00 GMT

PETA has unveiled its latest ad campaign. No, it doesn't involve celebrities prancing around in the buff. No, it doesn't involve random overzealous protesters prancing around in the buff.

For the first time ever, PETA has used professional naked people for its print campaign...

The girls of Rick's Cabaret are getting naked... and not for tips.

[T]he new "We'd rather go topless than wear Fur" advertisement featur[es] seven topless vixens from Rick's Cabaret, the only publicly-traded chain of gentlemen's clubs.

"Compassion is a big turn-on, but fur-wearers leave me cold," says Alicia, one of the women featured. "By showing some of our skin, we hope to save animals' skins." [Radar]

Is anyone ever convinced by these ads? Will there be more vegetarians or more customers at the nation's Rick's Cabarets as a result of this ad?

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"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:52:00 GMT

A New Zealand softcore porn star and sometime stripper is suing the Sexpo after a disastrous live performance that got her in trouble with festival organizers...

Lisa Lewis, no relation to any other Lisa Lewis we might've heard of here in the States, calls herself an "international star, exotic dancer and soft porn star." She may or may not be the same Lisa Lewis who ran through a rugby match three years ago wearing only a bikini, and subsequently landed a spot on an all-nude newscast on AltTV. In any case, that Lisa Lewis is the author of this unfortunate YouTube video, entitled Does Lisa Lewis Spit or Swallow?, a clip about brushing your teeth.

Lisa Lewis With the Dark Hair was performing a stripper routine in only a G-string at the Sexpo when she slipped and broke her nose on what she claims was a faulty pole. (She has been performing for ten years-- since the ripe old age of 17-- so we can't chalk it up to beginner's suck.) The adult film star says she warned organizers they needed a fresh pole, but they apparently ignored her.

One source claims that Lewis was ejected from the venue after putting her hands in her underwear in a masturbatory fashion. Organizers booted her, saying the act was "too risque."

But something stinks here-- does this mean she was thrown out before or after the nose injury? Seems to us like one of those two events-- the broken nose and the ejection-- are fabrications.

Photo and quote via.

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Dita Von Teese Ends Her Paris Show in Style

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:17:00 GMT

As we've mentioned previously, Dita Von Teese took Paris by blitzkreig over the past couple of weeks, wrapping up her epic burlesque run at the Crazy Horse this past Monday night.

After the jump, video, photos, and some exciting news for those who missed out...

If you're like us, you're insatiable in your quest for photos of Miss Von Teese, so here are two from recent shoots unrelated to her Paris show...

For those of you able and willing to go to, or luckily residing in, Paris, France, all is not lost, as the poets at Coldplay would say:

DUE TO OVERWHELMING RESPONSE...
DITA VON TEESE RETURNS TO THE CRAZY HORSE PARIS IN MARCH!!!

After a sell out two week run in February, the first guest star in the history of Paris' famed Crazy Horse, Dita, returns to the stage in March 2009 for a extended two week run between March 16th to 27th. The show includes new numbers, some featuring Dita with the Crazy Horse dancers.

Purchase tickets for those shows here.

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How the Recession Helped Dita End Her Dry Spell

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy - the Sequel

Dita Von Teese Graces Us With These Playboy Photos

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

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Pic via Drunken Stepfather

Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:46:00 GMT

Unfortunately, she did not offer to come to our house for a champagne-soaked threesome, but burlesque babe Ava Garter (yuk yuk yuk) proposed the next best thing: some fashion tips to rock your Valentine's Day this year.

For a change, they're actually quite good. Usually, the best V-Day advice is something akin to "stay in, get liquored up, dim the lights, break out the massage oil, and get down to business." But as she tells the Los Angeles Times, Garter has better ideas for this Saturday night.

Here are our favorite excerpts from the interview:

[On wearing that black dress you have hidden away:] A black dress should have a back or side zipper; you wouldn't want to get into a seduction scene and tug it over your head.

It's always very sexy to go with a pretty black bra, black garter belt, black panties with a bow and a nude sheer stocking. Black is slimming, and a nude stocking makes your legs look much longer.

For the bedroom, you can use a pair of black gloves as a tool for seduction that's very cheap -- remove them very slowly, one at a time, and take as long as you like.

If you're having dinner with your boyfriend or husband for Valentine's Day, touch up your lipstick very slowly in front of him and let him watch. Eyelashes are a fetish for me.
Pasta is inexpensive, easy and really romantic [for a perfect night in.]
One of the best gifts you can give a man is the gift of you, sharing time together and letting him off the hook for buying you something--

All right, that's enough. Don't get all sappy on us, Ava...

More with Ava Garter via the LA Times.

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Princess Eugenie, An Amateur Stripper, Is Our Favorite Female Royal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Last June, we reported on Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York's nude rampage. The daughter of Sarah Ferguson from Weight Watchers and some British dude has been trying to publicly top herself ever since-- because you know the Queen likes nothing better than to hear about her heirs getting all liquored up and running wild in the streets...

Her Royal Rockness spent Thursday night partying past dawn at a London gentleman's club-- the London's Sophisticats** Gentleman's Club, that is.

The princess giggled as she watched a brunette dancer perform a raunchy routine for one of her male friends, before standing up and dancing next to her table with a pal.
Eugenie then asked if she could get on stage and strut her stuff on the pole.
A source told Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper: "Because of health and safety regulations she was told she would not be allowed unless she was employed by the club and had undergone training on the pole, like all their dancers. It was all done very tongue-in-cheek and Eugenie took it in good spirits."

Eugenie, 18, is so wealthy, she's not only able to start her weekends one night early, but she can afford a £20 lapdance. (£20 converts to about "three times the average American's checking account.)

The royal was accompanied by her Police Protection Officer, who sat at a neighbouring table watching the teenager. [Royal Watch]

We have a sinking suspicion he may have been enjoying his job for the first time...

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We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Did anyone else see this train wreck, pictured above, who somehow manage to squeak by the competition and land a trip to Hollywood? Not only did she skank it to the max to highlight her vocal shortcomings, but then she tried to make out with Ryan Seacrest-- twice. Bleech.

30.1 million people tuned in for Tuesday night's season premiere of American Idol. Among those who were not watching-- patrons at the Austin bar The Palazio Men's Club, who had better things to do...

(Sure, the contest is on Thursday nights, but it's not like the patrons were watching Fox the other night, what with glorious stripping right in front of them.)

American Idol's lawyers, who apparently have infinite amounts of money and time, decided to shut down the Texas competition which pits amateur topless females in 60-second strip-offs for a cash prize of $500. (That's it? Hell, strippers used to make $500 a night each... and now there'll only be one and everyone else gets zilch?) The bored lawyers claim that the "color scheme, design and font" of the Austin competition is too similar to the Fox one-- we're sure it's identical, but that's not the point-- and then this gem:

"There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

Right. Grandma who wants to see another Jordan Sparks wannabe is going to go to a bar, thinking that the show is no longer on TV, and will somehow miss that the word "American" has been changed to "STRIPPER." Of course, the judge will side with whomever has the highest-paid lawyers, so Texas is screwed again.

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This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:12:00 GMT

We just want to start out by saying you need to see the following three movies this weekend: Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and The Wrestler, supposing they are out where you currently reside. Mickey Rourke's performance is one of the greatest so far this century, although Sean Penn is equally good on a more subtle level and could steal an Oscar from him, while Slumdog Millionaire is barely not cheeseball Bollywood/Hollywood, but the story hooks you almost instantly and the end-credit dance-off is the most eye popping in ages. Check out movie showtimes here.

In other news, we have a final result in the $54 million dry cleaning lawsuit...

Roy L. Pearson, the former administrative law judge who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million over a misplaced pair of pants, lost his final appeal in the District's highest court.
"Appellant failed to establish either that the Chungs' 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' and 'Same Day Service' signs constituted false or misleading statements, or that they lost his pants.

Next, we hope he gets sued (and loses again) over all this...

A stripper in Colorado has been making $18 a day thanks to the recession.

Want to have a day of hookey with your girl? Just call in anonymous threats to her school!

Wall-E seems to be benefitting the split votes among the critics, who can't decide on a favorite that any of them pick as their #1. Instead, they end up with everybody's second or third choice, the Pixar film that delighted audiences and baffled the gluttonous.

And Janet Jackson broke up with Jermaine Dupri, according to the tabloids.

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

This Year's Most Annoying Christmas Commercial

You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Cops Stripped Of Duties After Wild Hooker Party

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Imagine you're a cop in Australia. How is it possible you're able to carry out your duties with the high-quality gene pool there?

Who could blame the cops in the country's Northern Territory for growing restless while on patrol and stopping off at the Hooker Ball for a grope and grind?

According to the local media in Darwin, NT, the two cops were removed from street work after compromising photographs turned up from an annual pimps-and-hoes-themed costume party in the sleepy capital. They were supposed to be checking the club for crime, drunken antics, and proper licensing, but instead got a couple of lapdances and delivered one or two spankings. What, does Darwin want its cops to be asexual or-- worse-- un-fun?

As these pictures prove, the coppers had no other choice. They should be exonerated.

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:18:00 GMT

The first rule of Santacon is similar to that of Fight Club. So, instead of telling you all about the yearly, ultra-secret flash mob involving Santa impersonators in cities worldwide, we'll show you what it's like...

These two videos should tell the rest.

Via Santacon.com.

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Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:35:00 GMT

It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world...

Jocelyn: This season's supposed to be about fun... and not about spending money.

Scanner Brian: Absolutely. As far as we're concerned, Christmas is all about the holiday spirit-- in our case, gin. Oh, and Santacon. Speaking of not spending any money, did you do the Black Friday sales? Was that you at the Long Island Wal-Mart...?

J: You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

SB: All right, maybe we should edit that out. We don't want to have to testify. So... we don't think we're going to make it home for Christmas this year and we're worried about shipping...

J: I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

SB: All right, let's go off the theft tangent for a second. With the economy in the toilet, are you cutting back? Getting some handouts this year?

J: I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings.

SB: Thanks, Jocelyn. All right, everybody, make sure to check out Jocelyn's website, it's seriously the only thing worth reading besides Nerve. Or the Rod Blago transcripts...

Via Filthy Richmond.

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Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Biel Finally Goes Topless

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Check out this weird Exorcist bobblehead doll.

Rush Limbaugh is engaged to an Ann Coulter impersonator.

The Governor of Illinois is free on $4,500 bail, which he could raise by selling one minute of his time to somebody in his waiting room.

Note to Salon: we don't need any more stories about women who are celibate because they are afraid of dating.

Hugh Hefner's daughter resigned as head of Playboy. Even she hates that shit reality show.

The housing crisis prepares to claim an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition home.

And Jessica Biel is reportedly topless in a new movie... meaning, more topless than she is in these screenshots from the trailer for her new movie. Justin's gonna be so piiiiissed.

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Take Us To Detroit: Site of this Weekend's Biggest Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 22:18:00 GMT

What do you get when you take nineteen prostitutes, twenty dudes, one madam, her underage daughter and her equally underage friend? You get another fun-filled Saturday night in Detroit.

Local press reports indicate the hostess with the mostest is a thirty-nine-year-old woman with a sixteen-year-old daughter. The cops burst through the front door as the daughter and her friend were dancing topless on a table in the living room. Whoops! The best part of all this is that the hookers and johns were merely given tickets and sent away... presumably to a quieter venue for way more brothel fun.

There will be plenty of money to pay off those fines, since the house mom took a $15 cover charge at the door from the guys and a cut of whatever the ladies earned in what must've been cramped quarters. After all, if you hire nineteen prostitutes and, say, three or four bedrooms, where does everyone get it on? Sounds like it was just a big uninterrupted orgy... or "Saturday night," for you Detroiters...

Here's a general AP story on this.

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