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While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Strip Show

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Christopher Hitchens recalls the night no one wanted him to get loaded, so he went to Hunter Thompson's house to get bombed and fire off some guns. Someone explain to me why life is worth living without that man in this world.

Tomorrow's South Park is about pirates.

An Australian town chorus posed nude for charity.

The Food Network Magazine benefits in this economy-- maybe because no one can afford food, so they decide to read about? Not sure on this one.

Madonna may have lied about paparazzi causing her fall from a horse. Ya think?

This guy is right about his water bill-- there's no way he used 300,000 gallons in one month... and he's also right that no one, not even a well-meaning anonymous donor should have to pay the price for the water company's clerical error.

Rumors are brewing that Lindsay Lohan is considering joining a topless revue. Man, the internet will believe anything Perez Hilton tells them, huh?

And Stephen Hawking is apparently in serious condition in an English hospital.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: The Fate of Project Runway

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:16:00 GMT

Mona Lisa from burger grease! The great smirking later has never been sexier. (Luckily, this isn't one of those "it's a turd shaped like my aunt Josefa, let's sell it on eBay" things, but art.)

A strip club takes on the McDonald's logo, McDonald's takes them to court.

You think Snoop Dogg's remixes of Johnny Cash songs will be any good?

Two typos, two accidental calls to two different phone sex lines. The first, which Emily mentioned yesterday, involves cereal, the second... Hillary Clinton.

Jonathan Coulton has a new DVD out called Best. Concert. Ever. We predict it will be a live recording.

NBC affiliates should learn never to underestimate Jay Leno's ability to draw viewers.

Meanwhile, the television company will air a documentary focused on Farrah Fawcett's battle with breast cancer.

The Project Runway lawsuit was settled-- the show will air again this summer, this time on the Lifetime Network.

And instead of beating up the fan who exposed himself to her, Lady Gaga signed the man's naughty bits.

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

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Princess Eugenie, An Amateur Stripper, Is Our Favorite Female Royal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Last June, we reported on Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York's nude rampage. The daughter of Sarah Ferguson from Weight Watchers and some British dude has been trying to publicly top herself ever since-- because you know the Queen likes nothing better than to hear about her heirs getting all liquored up and running wild in the streets...

Her Royal Rockness spent Thursday night partying past dawn at a London gentleman's club-- the London's Sophisticats** Gentleman's Club, that is.

The princess giggled as she watched a brunette dancer perform a raunchy routine for one of her male friends, before standing up and dancing next to her table with a pal.
Eugenie then asked if she could get on stage and strut her stuff on the pole.
A source told Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper: "Because of health and safety regulations she was told she would not be allowed unless she was employed by the club and had undergone training on the pole, like all their dancers. It was all done very tongue-in-cheek and Eugenie took it in good spirits."

Eugenie, 18, is so wealthy, she's not only able to start her weekends one night early, but she can afford a £20 lapdance. (£20 converts to about "three times the average American's checking account.)

The royal was accompanied by her Police Protection Officer, who sat at a neighbouring table watching the teenager. [Royal Watch]

We have a sinking suspicion he may have been enjoying his job for the first time...

Related:

Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

Related:

"Performer" Ecstasy Can Rap and Wear Lycra at the Same Time

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

Video from Vegas: The Sarah Palin Lookalike Contest

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:49:00 GMT

A strip club in Las Vegas held a Sarah Palin lookalike contest last night, and as you might expect a bunch of women with brunete up-dos flaunted American flag bikini's, shot guns and Tina Fey glasses.

Watch the video at TMZ.

Related:

How the Hell Did We Miss the Ashley Alexandra Dupre Lookalike Contest?

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

While You Were Sleeping: The Facebook Firing

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:51:00 GMT

It became apparent that a Boston-area football coach was stealing from the school's uniform fund when he made an ATM withdrawal of $500 at 1am while standing next to a strip club.

A teacher in a Daytona-area school district was busted for some sleazy motel sex with her seventeen-year-old male charge.

Miss Louisiana Teen USA lost her title in the most embarrassing way imaginable: for skipping out on a restaurant check (what, they don't pay you enough, toots?) and, adding arrest to injury, leaving her marijuana behind.

David Duchovny filed a lawsuit over that tennis-pro-cheating bullshit story.

We always knew there'd eventual be a news story about some dummy getting busted by their boss for revealing, via a Facebook status update, that they are not actually "sick at home."

[H]e was found out when his boss spotted this Facebook profile update on the day in question, August 21: "Kyle Doyle is not going to work, f*** it I'm still trashed. SICKIE WOO!"

Ha ha, dickweed. Speaking of dickweeds, this guy claimed he was on his way to see Beyonce and that's why a cop shouldn't arrest him for driving like a drunk driver.

A Florida website about politics: "Top 5 reasons McCain could still win." No mention of what our #1 reason would be: "FLORIDA."

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World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Cheerleaders Make Sports Watchable Again

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

Diablo Cody: My Hero

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:02:00 GMT

And not just because she has amazing tattoos and spent a good deal of her life with silicon toys up her ass. Well, okay, silicon toys have a little something to do with it.

Diablo Cody recently "reached out" to her critics via her MySpace blog:

...I am not Charlie Kaufman or Sofia Coppola (much as I supplicate at their Cannes-weary feet.) I'm not Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm not even Paul W.S. Anderson. I am middle-class trash from the Midwest. I'm a competent nonfiction writer, an admittedly green screenwriter, and a product of Hollywood, USA. I am "Diablo Cody" and if you're not a fan, go rent Prospero's Books again and leave me the fuck alone.

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and-- with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it...

This is the last I have to say on the subject, unless I'm provoked by a journalist in which case I'll gladly reload. With relish, as Betty Rizzo might say. That said, I'm a 30-year-old woman with a dwindling interest in blog culture, and I don't have time to address this bullshit every time one of my projects comes out. I'm in love, I just bought a house, and my boss made E.T. I kind of have to focus on reality.

And drinking. I have to focus on drinking.

In case you're wondering, we haven't even seen Juno. Not because we don't want to, or becuase people tell us it's "pretentious." We just don't see movies very often. We're pretty sure we'd like it (save the "honest to blog" line). Perhaps we'll rent it on iTunes tonight. After we find a way to get Diablo Cody to buy us a beer—or four.

[via Jezebel]

The Greatest Dive Bars: The Clermont Lounge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:30:00 GMT

We were in Atlanta over the 4th of July weekend to see Tom Waits play on his rare and limited-date US tour, for which we drove down from Brooklyn.

After the show, a cute and rather innocent female friend suggested, almost offhandedly, that we might enjoy this place called the Clermont Lounge...

Shrugging in surrender and still not entirely conscious after that intense concert, we staggered into the Clermont sometime after midnight on a Saturday night, expecting to have a few beers and collapse. Instead, we were met by perhaps one hundred and fifty people, many of them couples in their 20s, rocking out on the dance floor and enjoying what even we had to admit was a great DJ. At the bar, we ordered a couple of PBR's with accompanying Jager shots, seeing as how we were at a world-class dive/dump. The bright red neon light that adorned every inch of wall space took us back to our most drugged out New Orleans evenings... or even back to that Factory scene in Midnight Cowboy.

Anyway, we were settling in, marveling at the local characters... when it soon became clear why we'd been directed to this place...

With no fanfare whatsoever and to the complete dismissal of everyone on the dance floor, a large woman wearing a sumo wrestler's outfit stepped up onto the bar and almost immediately exposed her breasts:

Aside from the fact that this low-quality, dim-lighting camera phone shot is basically useless in a blog post, this at least gives you an exact replica of what we were seeing. It turned out were in Atlanta's oldest and longest running strip club, complete with some of the finest area talent: the next act was an elderly Chinese woman in a green dress who raced back and forth across the slim bar and flashed each customer indvidually. According to this page, the strippers have to put money in the jukebox themselves if they want some theme music to dance to.

The outside kind of looked like this, although not really:

Yeah, not really. Anyway, it's well worth checking out when you're in town... or, hell, driving from halfway across a Hemisphere.

More on the Clermont Lounge online at this link.

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Hold Your Horses, Baby

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:54:00 GMT

Do you want your kids playing with Pregnant Paper Dolls? We guess so long as it's not Jamie Lynn Pregnant Paper Dolls...

Lies and attacks usually help: McCain now trails Obama by a mere three points nationally.

We'd say the woman who witnessed all of the following might actually win a case against her lawyer boss...

Paralegal Angela Robinson is suing renowned ambulance-chaser Richard Laminack for encouraging her to perform sexual acts on a witness, demanding sexual favors from employees, and trying to defraud Fen-Phen plaintiffs. [Business Sheet]

Instead of tying up the courts and expecting to buy an island with her settlement, Ms. Robinson is suing for a mere $55,000... mainly for wrongful termination.

Maybe they could've just waited for it to go out of business or be sold, since if the town gets a huge ovation for destroying it, no one must show up there after meetings, right?

Verne Troyer says his ex tossed him.

Brad and Angelina signed a multimillion dollar deal for their baby snaps.

Can you guess why a naked man may have been climbing down a chimney?

And finally, the town of Livonia, Georgia has bought the Cafe Risque strip club for a whopping one million dollars. However, they neglected something in the process...

The town of Lavonia could have used nearly $1 million to pay off the bond fund for a water treatment plant upgrade. Instead, officials bought Cafe Risque, which they have long tried to shut down.
Lavonia's mayor got a standing ovation when he announced the deal at a meeting earlier this week. Crews took down the signs advertising it and burned them in a large bonfire at the strip club site, near a major highway.

Americans: clean and safe drinking water is unimportant, but my Lord, anyone who trades it in for God-given bodies is to be praised to the heavens.

Florida businessman Jerry Sullivan opened Cafe Risque in 2001. The city went to court several times to close it, but Sullivan's lawyers argued successfully that nude dancing was a constitutionally protected form of expression.
Lavonia has since passed an ordinance outlawing adult entertainment businesses.

Via KIRO-TV.

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"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

Where Have All the Strippers Gone?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

According to this article in the Toronto Star, gone are the days when strip clubs saw a $20 in every g-string and a dancer on every lap...at least in Toronto. It seems the number of strippers in the city has declined from 2,834 in 1998 to 1,254 certified strippers in 2007. But what could be causing the rapid decline of the exotic dance industry?

Ask those running the GTA strip joints why their dancers are exiting stage right and they offer these explanations:

The prevalence of free porn on the Internet.

The influx of illegal massage parlours.

The federal crackdown on foreign dancers.

The cost of the burlesque licences.

Once again, the Internet is shutting down Mom and Pop businesses and robbing another industry of the personal connection and familiarity it formerly thrived on. Hear that PornoTube, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:56:00 GMT

Forget what we told you about Wii Fit, which is already sold out in the UK and will soon be sold out here (although it isn't even on sale yet): the new #1 game of all time is going to be this: Wii Strip.

According to ABC News, Peekaboo, a company that makes at-home DIY-stripper poles (such as the one pictured above-- model MILF not included), is in talks with Nintendo to make your boyfriend's dreams a reality...

"Look, baby, it says on the box that it'll replace your regular workout." And fulfill the fantasy I had planned for myself since the age of 12: to have a live-in stripper perform for me every night, he does not add. He could also lift this direct quote from analyst Anita Frazier* for help with his pleading:

"There are strippercise [fully clothed] classes taught in gyms … and it has been a rising fitness trend over the last few years," she said. "It's really just an exercise trend." [ABC]

This gives a whole new idea too complicated to explain here. We will say, however, that it involves the Wii's vibrating remote....

Previously: Wii Fit Will Make Your Gym Membership Obsolete

*A woman! (And just so you know, ladies, we fully understand that this can come in handy for, um, getting your man "in shape." This kind of ploy works both ways... Link Via ABC News.

Stripper Pole Brailled For Art's Pleasure

Bryan Christian — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:25:00 GMT

Hmmmm... Although we admire the artistic conceit here -- embossing a gentlemen's club fixture with a Braille description of a striptease, thus assigning a tactile narrative to something that is often beyond the reach of its audience -- we also can't get past the fact that artists Anetta Mona Chisa & Lucia Tkacova have basically created the world's most diseased-looking stripper pole. Or maybe that's part of the gag?

Guess All Those Strippers Fatally Obscured The Allure Of Vegan Food

Bryan Christian — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Hey, remember when we told you about that Portland strip club that was attempting to mix vegan cuisine with naked ladyparts? Yeah, well, according to Fleshbot, you can currently find it up for sale. So sorry, Johnny Diablo; we thank you for the memory, and we're sure Portland thanks you for the mammaries.

This really leaves us with only one question: which one of you lucky Pacific Northwest strip clubs is gonna pony up for the services of that lovely lady up there, huh? God, we've been crushing on her for, like, weeks. Not that we've ever seen her at her job or anything -- but we can almost guarantee you that she won't come in to work smelling like beef!

[via Fleshbot]

Strip Clubs: The New Red Zone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Iraq has the Red Zone, one of its most dangerous neighborhoods (although statistics are somewhat unscientific due to all the scientists having fucking left.) America now has its own Red Zone, which is apparently a fifty-mile radius surrounding your local strip club.

First there was Sean Bell, although we're pretty sure the groom-to-be's wedding day death was not the first strip club shooting. Today, we received word of a man suing a New York City strip club for injuries suffered while receiving a lap dance. And no, it wasn't that kind of injury.

A securities trader was getting his tease on at a Madison Square Garden-area strip club called the Hot Lap Dance Club when

According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries.

Other sources indicate the man has been blinded in that eye. It wouldn't even be the first time someone suffered lasting damage from a visit to a strip club, and we're not just talking about psychological damage. Another patron was given a black eye by a strip club bouncer and one man died while getting the world's longest lap dance. And, of course, Sean Bell and his friends were gunned down outside a Queens strip club when cops thought he may have happened to possess a gun somewhere on his person, or at home.

We're now officially afraid of strip clubs.

Link: Man Dies After Two Hour Marathon Lap Dance...

[Image/link via snarfd]

No Meat in the Champagne Room. Or the Kitchen.

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Diabolic Portland entrepreneur Johnny Diablo first tried to get people to eat vegan style by creating Pirate's Tavern, a short-lived theme restaurant that was supposed to capitalize on the inexplicable success of those Johnny Depp movies to spread the gospel of cruelty-free food. But that didn't work, so when he was planning his latest venture, Casa Diablo, he went for a gimmick that's a little more tried and true: tits and ass.

While it may not be the most orthodox way to win over new vegans, Diablo hopes people bring some green and eat some green at his new club.

“(It’s) vixens, not veal, and sizzle, not steak,” Diablo said. “We put the meat on the pole, not on the plate.”

OK, well, we've had an aversion to "meat" comments about ladies since some douchebag carrying a "tuna pizza" -- topped with Barbie doll parts -- tried to take a picture of our wife in Mardi Gras. So, moving on... our impression, from watching the (excruciatingly smug) news video and reading the articles about the place, is that the ladies might be vegans as well. And while we aren't about to get into whether vegetarians and vegans are hotter than normal people, if you want to -- go ahead, comment away. All we're saying is: ladies this cute will be getting dudes to try soy nachos when Captain Jack Sparrow is long forgotten.

[via Fleshbot]

Science Calls It Quits After Developing GPS For Boobies: "What More Could You Want, Dammit?"

Bryan Christian — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Not everyone was born with the ability to stick their nose in the air, sniff the wind, and triangulate the position of the nearest collection of sweetly perfumed ladyparts. But have no fear: even if you're just like all the rest of us poor normal saps, there's still hope. Behold: NUDAR, GPS for Strip Clubs.

NUDAR is "radar" for strip clubs and nudity. Our goal is to locate every public place and event where you can find naked hotties across the globe - and we need your help!
If you know of a place, person, or event that should be on the NUDAR, let us know at tips@nudar.com

This is a civic duty, people. We hope you take it seriously.

[via LAist]

Today in Missed Connections

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 20:33:00 GMT

We're wondering what a smart girl was doing in Gallhager's 2000 last night. There have got to be some classier joints around the city, no?