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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

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Top 5 Charlize Theron Sex Scenes

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18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

This weekend's election in Spain went well for European conservatives, who routed the socialists in this strangely-headlined story.

A rape crisis center raised a few eyebrows by featuring a nearly-naked dancer as its headliner for a fundraiser.

The Jonas Brothers didn't have the world's greatest weekend...

U2 played one of their famous rooftop gigs.

The pointless CPAC straw poll went in favor of Mitt Romney, with Jindal in second and Palin in fourth. (Remember, John McCain finished fourth last time...)

Glen Hansard wants you to hear this classic Van Morrison record.

Lily Allen hates the New York Times because the "cheap skanks" did something she didn't appreciate.

Siegfried and Roy performed a farewell show... with their tiger. Yeah, that tiger.

A woman about to marry a Royal is featured topless in an upcoming movie.

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Top 5 Nude Scenes of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:08:00 GMT

Mr. Skin released his Top 10 Sex Scenes of 2008, but to see what that dirty old man is raving about, you have to sign up and give your credit card to a bunch of perverts.

Or you could see them all for free, thanks to the beauty of Google and our embedding, um, tool...

5. Neve Campbell. We took some flack for ragging on (a photo of) Neve Campbell's nipples in a screencap from I Really Hate My Job, but seeing them in action here, they like quite normal to us. That's the problem with screencaps, of course: they're never as titilating as the real thing.

4. Asia Argento. Picking a favorite nude scene from Asia Argento is like picking your favorite $100 bill-- they're all equally fantastic, as well as a wonder to behold. Here's one from some Italian or Spanish movie-- but what do you care?

3. Heather Graham. When we first caught Heather Graham in Swingers, we never suspected that every movie since would feature her getting nailed in the nude. You'd think she'd go the Julia Roberts route and Neve Campbell would end up more of a Denise Richards type. But nope... and not that we're complaining. When was the last time you enjoyed seeing a Julia Roberts sex scene?

2. Mischa Barton. We can't believe we're saying this, but how adorable is a crying, curly-haired Mischa Barton dubbed in Spanish in this scene from Closing the Ring?

1. Sophie Monk. The catchphrase of the year is not "Change" or even "Pancakes." It's "foreplay is for losers." See why, with this clip:

The rest of the top 10, according to Mr. Skin: Anna Farris in the House Bunny; Mena Suvari in Stuck; Amy Smart in Mirrors; Penelope Cruz in Elegy; and Aneglina Jolie in Wanted, which we may post next week if you have those.

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Today, we conclude our list of the 50 sexiest movies ever made with these five explosive favorites, voted on, in part, by you...

For 10-6, click here.

5. If These Walls Could Talk 2. This sweeping lesbian love saga was a bit too Lifetime Movie Of The Week for our tastes, but the Emmy voters loved it: in addition to giving a Best Supporting Actress statue to Vanessa Redgrave, voters awarded this HBO sequel with three other nominations in leading categories, including Best Made For Television Film. Not only is it a strong and passionate artistic achievement, there are, of course, many sexy moments: from Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams making out in front of a stunned male neighbor to Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres exploring every inch of each other. We mentioned this film and the Sevigny-Williams sex scene in an unrelated post on Friday, with the post and NSFW clip here.

4. Mulholland Drive. When we went to a New Orleans Film Festival advance screening of this film, people were leaving the theater in droves about midway through. It took us a minute to realize they were all going to the bathroom to play with themselves thanks to the film's unbelievably sexy love scenes between Laura Harring and Naomi Watts. See below for a teaser or click here for the full scenes.

3. Secretary. This movie could have been subtitled: "Work and other sadomasochistic activities." Maggie Gyllenhaal is spanked, made to crawl on the floor while carrying paper in her teeth, and to fall in love with James Spader. And, more importantly, she enjoys every minute of it. Depsite the ridiculous Sleeping Beauty-esque climax, it's not the least bit surprising this movie rose above the independent pile-on of the early 2000's to become a mainstream DVD smash.

Secretary - Spanking Scene

2. Basic Instinct. Can you believe that some moviegoers were unsure who the killer was? SPOILER ALERT: It was Sharon Stone, you bleeding idjits. On a lighter note, the most memorable nude scene in move history almost didn't happen-- after all, it wasn't in Joe Eszterhas's infamous screenplay. And whenever you see Sharon Stone on TV telling you she didn't know the camera was going to be right between her legs? Laugh. [Very NSFW clip follows.]

Sharon Stone Crossing the Line

1. Sex & Lucia. Several of you suggested this film-- as if we could've left it off in our right minds! A lonely writer's craziest fan picks him up in a restaurant, takes him home, and gives him the best sex a human being has ever had, then stays faithful to him even after his untimely death-- while a guy with a huge dick tries to get in her pants. The sexual energy of this film is so unrelenting, it's impossible to watch alone without taking off your clothes. Watching as a couple? Forget about it. It'll take at least three viewings to get through the whole two hours. We don't want to spoil any of the raunch, so here's a trailer instead:

Honorable Mentions: The Fabulous Baker Boys, Wild Things, Sliver, Sherrybaby, Damage, Fatal Attraction, Last Tango in Paris, The Blue Lagoon, Nine Songs, Miami Vice, Harold & Maude, Indecent Proposal.

Previously: 10-6, 20-11, 30-21, 40-31, 50-41

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:26:00 GMT

We know we've bombarded you with sex scenes today, but it's Friday, and you deserve some relief.

And so we continue our list of The Sexiest Movies of All-Time with the first half of the Top 10...

10. 9 1/2 Weeks. The older guys in the neighborhood bragged about having seen this movie five times in one week. Obviously, they kept going back to the local one-screen movie house because of this film's naughty sex scenes. [NSFW clip.]

9. Y Tu Mama Tambien. This is one of the few films we've ever seen willing to admit that sex is almost always disappointing for straight women. Sorry, it's just the facts (which state that 60% of women are dissatisfied with sex, while 60% of men think they are great lovers.) Strangely enough, this also made it a great date movie-- the movie sets such a low bar for your post-DVD adventures that you're bound to have a memorable roll in the hay later on. Ana López Mercado and Gael García Bernal? The most underrated couple of the century so far. [NSFW clip.]

8. The Graduate. "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" They tried, they really tried, to make Anne Bancroft appear old, haggard, and Cleopatra-looking. They failed-- but not without success of a different kind-- she's still just as appealing as ever, when she was busy playing a seductress in forgotten Marilyn Monroe movies and other TCM staples. You may have forgotten how hot movies could be when they just allowed the actors to dance around each other in late-night awkwardness...

7. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down. How the hell do you make a rape fantasy movie this believable while keeping it sexy? You have Pedro Almodovar at the helm... and put together an incredibly desirable Spanish cast and try to keep things from become too absurd. Did it work? You be the judge.

6. The Summer of '42. It seems obvious now that Hollywood studios would line up to finance a cheap and tasteful coming of age sex drama, complete with a teenage boy's deflowering at the hands of the neighborhood goddess, but you have to remember that in 1971, there was no Porky's, Meatballs, or even-- gasp-- American Pie 2. The film, of course, was one of the most successful of the decade and went on to be imitated to near death. Near death.

SUMMER OF 42

Previously:

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Everyone in this British man's Spanish town was arrested on corruption charges, so now he's the mayor. A bad Jim Carrey movie is already in the works, we're sure.

This is either the grossest or funniest thing in ages, we can't decide.

The latest nonsense rumor about Led Zeppelin...

Chris Cornell addressed rumors he'd tour with Led Zeppelin: "I have not been approached to fill in for Robert Plant on the upcoming Zeppelin tour, but that isn't to say I won't be."

There's nothing else to do there, so Saudi Arabia held a sheep beauty pageant.

Is Kathleen Edwards filing for divorce?

Why would anyone give Joe the Plumber a book deal? This guy will be a footnote on November 5th, no matter who wins.

Nikki Taylor got knocked up. In other news, Nikki Taylor is still considered newsworthy.

Sarah Palin needs to stay away from sports fans, for the last time. Especially Pennsylvanian sports fans.

Our favorite sign of the week.

Related:

I Love Myself For Loving You: Amy Ryan

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Three Beauty Queens Walk Into a Rental Office....

Led Zeppelin May Have A New Singer... And It's Amazin'...

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:26:00 GMT

Can you believe it's been three years since photographer Ana Arce founded the Women of Curling calendar and caused millions around the world to sit up and exclaim, "Wait, what the hell is curling again?"

Now Arce is back, with what, based on these exclusive snaps, promises to be her best year ever...

First, we present you the photographer herself, who is a Spanish curler and may have been our Crush of the Week if that alleged hacker hadn't stolen Scanner Emily's heart...

...followed by a few favorites from the past and present calendars...

On the safe for work end, we particularly enjoy this mermaid... and less sfw, this tree dweller.

You can check out all of the models at Arce's page announcing the calendar. Her press release states that the 2009 fundraiser edition, entitled Fire On Ice, is available now via Curling News... and, best of all, it's a whopping 36 months long...

All photos by Ana Arce.

Motorcycle Party Features Screaming Orgasm Contest, Rampant Nudity

Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Pervy Ex-Teacher In Ohio Gets Off... With Probation

"I Seem To Have Forgotten To Bathe For Two Days"

The Naked Lady Rides Again In Oregon

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Arizona House Candidate Apparently Refuses To Speak English

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:03:00 GMT

Is this guy for real?

He's named Juan Valdez (true story), became a citizen of the US in 2007, and has legally changed his first name to John so he can ~~assimilate to the U.S~~. run for political office in the great and open-armed state of Arizona. That's just the lead, people.

Valdez is running aginst two candidates for the Arizona State Legislature in a competitive Democratic primary. During Monday night's Clean Money Clean Elections debate in Phoenix

With aid from an English translator, Valdez proceeded to answer every question the moderator tossed at him—on topics ranging from health care and immigration to neighborhood graffiti—in Spanish.

Despite living in Phoenix for the past 15 years, Valdez, who owns a pool-plastering business, is simply more comfortable speaking his native language, he said.

“This was my first time speaking in front of important people,” Valdez told Insider in English after the hour-long debate. “I thought maybe I would get nervous.”

Now, we're on the left side of the immigration "debate" for sure, but not learning English after a decade and a half of living in Arizona, even if your district speaks it in large numbers, is pure stupidity if you're running for political office. But it gets better, way better:

When asked if his English-language skills would prevent him from being an effective legislator, the 15-year Phoenix resident asked Insider to repeat the question—twice.

Nope, better than that, as a friend notes in an e-mail attached to this story:

Note the extra irony in that AZ has adopted an English Only requirement for official state business, which this was.

However, Juan Valdez (the politician, not the heroic Hispanic rebel and coffee brewer), does have one excuse:

About half of the residents who live in the west-central Phoenix district speak either Spanish and English or only Spanish.

Wouldn't it be great if this guy somehow pulled off an electoral trimuph? Hell, they'd build a border fence around his neighborhood...

Via AZCentral.

UPDATE: Typo in the opening sentence fixed. Valdez became a citizen last year.

John Conyers: On Our To Do List

Katie Halper — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

John Conyers is one sexy beast of a congressman. This civil rights activist is a rainbow lover and shows much love for Americans, Albanians and the people of Darfur. Conyers speaks the universal language of love and his website whispers sweet ~~nothings~~ significant things in English, Arabic and Spanish. The Congressman is a giver-- not a taker, who would love to spoil you, the American people, rotten. He wants to lavish you in health care coverage. And he's going to give you tips on avoiding uncomfortable premature housing ejaculation. This "congressman with benefits" is all about getting you benefits. His long, righteous voting record shows how much he loves women and jazz, a killer combo.

The Congressman knows how to spice things up, play rough, and give tit for tat. Watch a coy Conyers humiliate a bodacious blond after the jump.

The congressman has so much love, it's no surprise that he was the one who introduced the bill to make MLK Day a federal holiday. When Conyers criticized McCain for waiting 25 years to apologize for opposing MLK Day, an MSNBC anchor said, "silly, old, angry, black congressman. Don't you know that McCaine apologized for opposing MLK day! Or are you too old to hear or see that?" (I paraphrase)

The insatiable Conyers responded by tearing McCain a new one and teasing the anchor, all the while maintaining his composure and debonair, dapper, glasses-in-mouth demeanor:

Well look. I’m happy. That was in 1983, he didn’t make any apology, he didn’t make any apologies in 1987, so I guess I’m thrilled and forgiving that finally when he’s running for President he remembers to apologize. No, that’s great.

Congressman Conyers gave it hard and rough to McCain. So we have no choice but to give Conyers the props he deserves by putting him on our "To Do" List.

Sloppy Seconds: Did Mick Jagger "Shove it up the "Sh*tter?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Police believe that "the woman who sat on the toilet for two years" may have only been there for a month. Can one's ass really become fused with the toilet in a month? Hm, we might have to try that sometime. You know, just to find out.

Herb Peterson, the man who invented the Egg McMuffin and got us through so many high school hangovers, is dead at 89.

We're not fans of races that require the runners to wear high heels, but if you're going to enter a highly publicized high heel race, make sure you're not currently collecting worker's compensation.

And if you're going to shoplift, don't do it in front of your kids. And if you do, try to remember to take them with you when you flee.

A judge in Pennsylvania has ordered three Spanish speaking men to learn English or go to jail. Uh, is that illegal?

In case you were wondering, Amy Winehouse has no immediate plans to go to rehab. Might we suggest a trip to the dermatologist?

Carnie Wilson would like you to know she has not gained 79 pounds. She's only gained 70 pounds, thank you very much. This makes us very glad we're not famous. Nine pounds gets a news story?

And Keith Richards would like you to know that he "really has no idea" if his Rolling Stones band mate Mick Jagger and David Bowie ever "shoved it up the shitter" with each other.

Scanner : spanish

Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen's Wrecking Ball Rolls On

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Top 5 Nude Scenes of 2008

We Present... The Cougar Perv

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

I Love Myself For Loving You: Amy Ryan

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Three Beauty Queens Walk Into a Rental Office....

Led Zeppelin May Have A New Singer... And It's Amazin'...

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Motorcycle Party Features Screaming Orgasm Contest, Rampant Nudity

Pervy Ex-Teacher In Ohio Gets Off... With Probation

"I Seem To Have Forgotten To Bathe For Two Days"

The Naked Lady Rides Again In Oregon

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Arizona House Candidate Apparently Refuses To Speak English

John Conyers: On Our To Do List

Sloppy Seconds: Did Mick Jagger "Shove it up the "Sh*tter?"