Scanner : space

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Same-sex heart transplants are the just better. (We'll resist gay marriage jokes here.)

Justin Long: from Drew Barrymore... to Tila Tequila? We're glad neither are divulging the make-out details.

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's aide was arrested for... have you guessed yet?

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. [Wonkette]

Jamie Lyn-Sigler: glad she doesn't have any kids, not as hot as she used to be, still dull.

Russell Brand says not being gay gets him laid. And hopefully he's shooting blanks. (You'll see what we mean.)

There has got to be an explanation for these fetus cookies, but we don't even want to hear it.

How much does a $2,000/hour escort, such as Natalie, seen above, take home? Gawker has the answer.

CNN has photos of two of the three new planets just discovered outside our solar system. They resist Uranus jokes, unfortunately, and don't comment on the fact that the planets are named "b" and "c." Wow.

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Photo Evidence: Tila Tequila Was A Vegas Call Girl

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

But Can You Get Gay Married in Space?

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:45:00 GMT

If you have $2.3 million lying around and are dying to have an out-of-this world wedding, you may be in luck.

A Japanese company is teaming up with an American firm to offer space wedding trips for you, your soon-to-be spouse and three guests (presumably a minister or justice of the peace and two witnesses). It sounds like kind-of a rip off to us, considering you spend five days training only to spend an hour getting married while orbiting the earth. If we were going to spend $2 million on a space wedding, we damn well better have our first dance on the moon.

Additionally, neither company's site says anything about gay marriage. Our assumption is that while outer space has no same-sex marriage laws, one would have to be married according to his or her state's law, or at least under the jurisdiction of the officiant. Any legally-minded folk want to help us figure this one out?

Anyway, all this space wedding talk got some people thinking... astronauts have got to being doing it up there, right?

Right. We mean, there's no way people can spend three years locked up in a space station and not do it. Right? Right?

We can only hope — for the sake of the astronauts — as NASA officials won't talk about it:

"We don't study sexuality in space, and we don't have any studies ongoing with that," said NASA spokesman Bill Jeffs of the Johnson Space Center in Houston. "If that's your specific topic, there's nothing to discuss," he added, referring to "sex in space."

Somebody get to work on studying sex in space, and by the time we get married we'll give you $3 million for the ability to wed and bed in outerspace. Or we'll save our millions for barbeque and a live band, which really sounds like a lot more fun to us.

[Live Science: Japanese, U.S. Firms Offer Space Weddings, For Better or Worse, Sex in Space Is Inevitable]

Related:

I Love Myself for Hating You: Outer Space

Video of the Day: Inside the International Space Station

It's the End of the World As We Know It

[Image]

Video of the Day: Inside the International Space Station

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:24:00 GMT

This video looking at life inside the International Space Station was made well before the station's toilet broke in May and wee particularly enjoyed the dining scene at the end.

The two-and-a-half-minute video (set to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by the Tokens) shows the crew performing everyday tasks that look amazing in the weightlessness of space: shaving, getting ready for bed, throwing floating food, and putting the serious responsibility and danger of space exploration aside in favor of just having fun. It’s exhilarating, amusing, and more than a little bit awe-inspiring.

[YouTube via Yery Short List]

Related:

Somebody's Been Having a Bit Too Much Space Fiber

I Love Myself for Hating You: Outer Space

Sloppy Seconds: And You Thought You Wouldn't Live to See a Gay Space Wedding

It's the End of the World As We Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 13:03:00 GMT

Since freaking out about turning 25 a while back (we know, we know), we may or may not have had a few panic attacks related to death and dying. Normal, right? We mean, we don't want to die. Who does (the chronically ill and suicidal folks aside)? However, we're totally okay with the idea of dying in the apocalypse, because we wouldn't miss out on life.

True, if we died along with everyone else on Earth, anything we've done this far would be in vain, but that's life, right? Sure, it's a little selfish, but everybody wants to be remembered for something. Anyway, if Buffalo Bill, leader of The House of Yahweh, is right, we could get our wish (dying in the apocalypse, that is) as early as tomorrow. So get some bottled water and send your crowning achievements into outer-space. (See, Scanner Nicole? Space exploration is at least good for something.)

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

If Only It Was the Apocalypse: 7-Year-Old Found with Crack at School

Somebody's Been Having a Bit Too Much Space Fiber

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 14:03:00 GMT

There are so many news stories we read on a daily basis and think, "Wow, that would really suck, good thing that's not us." While this many not be the most harrowing or the most traumatic of those stories, it sure is shitty.

The toilet at the International Space Station is clogged up.

Imagine being trapped inside a small space, with no windows to open, no option of going out back to pee (or poop), and having your one toilet broken.

This is no laughing matter. The outpost's long-term hygiene and routine comfort are now threatened, unless critical spare parts can be identified, found and loaded aboard the space shuttle Discovery as it sits on the launch pad in Florida. Long a subject of bathroom humor, these high-tech commodes must use fan-driven air flow instead of gravity to transport human waste away from a crew member’s body and into a sanitary receptacle. Early spaceflights didn’t even have this method, but relied on bags with sticky openings — and an emergency supply of such bags is indeed aboard the space station.

So many, many more details about the busted john at MSNBC.

I Love Myself for Hating You: Outer Space

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Lately, Scanner has been showing love to a lot of hateful people and things (ahem--Hayden Panty-Lines?? Serious?). But it's time to get the Haterade out of the fridge and take a long drink. See, we've forgotten what we're really here for: to shit on things that other people mistakenly tolerate or enjoy. Today, that thing is outer space and, strangely enough, conception in outer space.

This article (which is probably one of the best articles we've ever read, by the way), discusses two things that Scanner Nicole hopes never to be: pregnant and in space. Getting knocked up while in space is pretty much the last thing she wants to happen to her. So while we're on the topic, and in case you haven't already had the pleasure of listening to her "material" on space, we'll give you the abbreviated version:

Space is a fucking waste of money and resources. We know more about space than about the ocean floor and the ocean floor is ON PLANET EARTH. Space is lonely and boring and cold and the food sucks. Sure stars are pretty, but they look just like planes flying overhead and at least planes are useful.

So, you ask, how can this be the best article you've ever read if it concerns itself with such a terrible, horrible thing-- a thing you absolutely hate hearing about and wish would just disappear? Well, it's because of lines like these:

"The biggest problem is how to conceive, because liquid cannot be spilt under the condition of weightlessness."

"But they do not need a bed in space. They can love each other in the air."

"And what will come out of that? As soon as he touches her, she will fly away in the opposite direction. A bed or at least some fastening device on a wall is more likely to be used."

“Is astronauts’ sexual need taken into consideration during long-term flights?”

“Certainly. In space men exercise on treadmills. In addition, they can theoretically masturbate too. But they should not forget about condoms or other containers, otherwise drop of sperm will be flying chaotically in the cabin and they will have to collect it."

We have not cherry-picked these quotations. They're continuous. See, we love this article because it confirms what we've always suspected: Getting it on in space sucks. Similarly, we enjoy the movie Alien because it clarifies that being in space involves a lot of slime and parasitic alien/human relationships.

Scanner Nicole understands that some people do not agree that space is terrible. Therefore, she speaks only on behalf of Scanner Nicole and not for Scanner Bryan, Brian, or Emily. Trust us, she realizes this is an unpopular opinion and that it makes her seem like hater and a cave girl. She doesn't care.

Today in Architectural Porn: Room Addition

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:43:00 GMT

For those of us who live in cities, space is at a premium. The bedroom is the office is the dining room is the living room. So the idea of an extra room is certainly something to get excited about. Even if the idea of doing anything in a room suspended from cables is a little scary.

[Netorama via Convertible City]

Sperm Rockets Ready for Blast Off

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:30:00 GMT

Isn't it great how this Viagra ad combines our fertility-lust with our space colonization fantasies. We can almost hear the voice over now:

In the year 2007 on the planet Earth, Viagra-fueled rocket sperm launched towarads galaxies unknown with nothing but a hormone and a dream of a better life to guide them.

Looks like science fiction now, sure. But when those giant three-headed babies from planet Zorbot land their space ships in New Mexico, don't say we didn't warn you. (via Copyranter)