Scanner : sloppy seconds

Sloppy Seconds: Free Viagra!

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Spring Awakening—the musical that made more than $57 million in the United States and made anyone who went to see it with his or her parents very uncomfortable—is closing in London after only five months. [FlavorWire]

Um, what kind of high school lets the yearbook team publish an upskirt photo? [BuzzFeed]

A new development in the Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga: Jon may not have been the only one allegedly cheating. Apparently, he had long feared that his wife was having an affair with her married bodyguard. [Us]

Ashley Olsen isn't the only woman modeling men's clothing. [AfterEllen]

Could Johnny Depp play Frank Sinatra in the movies? [Vulture]

Elizabeth Edwards will talk about her husband John's mistress, as long as no one mentions her name. [Yahoo!]

Just because you don't have a job, or health insurance, doesn't mean you shouldn't have your Viagra. Pfizer has s unveiled a new program will let people who have lost their jobs and health insurance keep taking some widely prescribed Pfizer medications—including Lipitor and Viagra—for free for up to a year. [Yahoo!]

Related:

Ashley Olsen Takes Off Men's Clothes to Sell Them

It's Not Looking Good for Jon and Kate

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Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Has Twins

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Vanessa Hudgens is Ready to Get Naked

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Is it really possible to find an adult friend on AdultFriendFinder.com? [BuzzFeed]

We were just wondering what the hell ever happened to Sinbad. Okay, not really, but if you were... [FlavorWire]

This seemingly drug-induced gibberish is the best recap of last night's Gossip Girl we've read yet. [Gakwer-Defamer]

Hey, remember Eminem? He's trying to help out Detroit's auto industry. [FadedYouth]

Funny Maya Rudolph is knocked up with another probably funny baby. [People]

Katy Perry is thinking of giving it all up to settle down and have babies, but we don't see that happening any time soon (for her or for us). [FameCrawler]

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on getting naked: "Right now, I would feel comfortable doing it, but, like I said, when the time's right, if it's an amazing movie that I'm really passionate about and that's what it calls for, then we'll see," she continued. [Us]

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

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Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 22:36:00 GMT

Check out this badass panda ripping some guy's jacket right off his back.

The days of pervy conservatives keeping an eye out for Splash Mountain topless photos are over. Flash away!

What do we think of this list of the Top 10 reasons men don't want sex? (We thought all ten would be "They're not attracted to you.")

Heidi Montag says she'll stay married to Spencer Brat forever. We give it six months, or one more season.

Mia Farrow is still going strong with her hunger strike, which is now at Day 11.

NYC teens are furious Bristol Palin, the "hypocrite," is in town promoting abstinence, which she had said was "unrealistic."

Screengrab picked the ten worst movies of all time-- and almost none of them were on MST3K.

"There is no such thing as a bullet-proof bra!"

Don't forget: passport rules for Mexico and Canada go into effect at the end of the month, not that anyone can afford a vacation these days.

And Will Smith wants to play a black James Bond. Great, just what we need-- pass over Idris Elba for a Hollywood action star-- that's just what the franchise needs.

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

Sloppy Seconds: Trent Reznor's Love

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Dom DeLuise, actor, chef, all-around awesome dude, is dead at the age of 75. [The Feed]

The NIH is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on "the prevention of HIV" by studying patrons and proprietors in gay bars in Argentina. FYI: Next time the NIH wants to do a study on drinking and sexual promiscuity, we're available. Hit us up at Scanner@nerve.com. Buy us a drink and we'll give you whatever information you want. [CNSNnews]

A Kansas City newscaster interviewed Guy Fieri, that annoying guy from the Food Network, during a Royals game last night. Except it wasn't Guy Fieri. Oops. [Kansas City Star]

Scanner Crush (we know Scanner Brian is with us on this one) Jeff Tweedy, frontman of Wilco, is being sued by an ex-bandmate. Jay Bennett, who played with Wilco from 1994 to 2001 wants $50,000 for five albums he recorded with the band. [BBC]

Trent Reznor has decided to tie the knot with girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig. [The Inquisitr]

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Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:20:00 GMT

Scottish poet Carol Ann Duffy was named the U.K.'s first female Poet Laureate. She's also the first openly gay person to hold the title. [TIME]

Okay, Megan Fox is hot. But Megan Fox eating a hamburger is even hotter, right? [VIDEO: Esquire]

Oprah gave someone else a talk show (hint: it wasn't us). Jenny McCarthy already has her own blog on Oprah.com and now she's getting her own show. How do we get a blog on Oprah.com? [People]

Robert Duvall vs. Wal-Mart. We don't have to tell you whose side we're on. [Yahoo!]

We can all stop worrying about Swine Flu because something else is going to kill us first. Time to beware of Raccoon Ringworm, or Raccoon Roundworm or whatever the hell you want to call the parasite that has blinded a teenager and made an infant brain dead. How the infant came in contact with raccoon feces we don't now. [The Inqisitr]

Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Sloppy Seconds: Get Gay Married in New Hampshire?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:03:00 GMT

As of this morning, federal officials had confirmed 91 infections of swine flu in 11 states. Time to freak the fuck out, people! [Baltimore Sun]

In her new memoir, Elizabeth Edwards said she vomited after learning of her husband, former democratic presidential candidate John Edwards', affair. [Us]

Liev Schreiber used to resent girlfriend and baby mama Naomi Watts' fame. But he's learned to live with it. [FemaleFirst]

Porn star Joanna Angel talks about how the recession has affected her end of the sex industry. [FlavorWire]

The New Hampshire Senate yesterday voted 13-11 to approve gay marriage. The bill has been sent back to the House for changes and if the bill becomes law, New Hampshire will be the fifth state to allow same-sex marriages. [Boston.com]

Just in time for the first gay American Idol? [Reuters]

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Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Parker Posey's New Man

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:28:00 GMT

Did you catch Tracy Morgan shirtless in real life on 30 Rock last night? [Defamer]

Britan's Got Talent singing phenomenon Susan Boyle got a little makeover. [Yahoo!]

One thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A flaming bag of poo. Another thing we would not like to find on our doorstep? A live shark. [CBS13]

A sequel to Clueless!? Count us in! Well, as long as his you know what isn't crooked. [BuzzSugar]

We hate to admit we're also pretty excited about the prospect of Chace Crawford taking on Kevin Bacon's role in the remake of Footloose. [Us]

If Parker Posey was dating Keanu Reaves, that seems to be over, because now she's being spotted around town with graphic designer and sculptor Scott Lenhardt. We endorse this because 1) Keanu Reeves doesn't seem so smart and 2) artist boys are totally hot. [DailyIntel]

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Sloppy Seconds: Another Woman We've Never Heard of is FHM's Sexiest Woman in the World

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Waterboarding: Bad. Waterboarding Sean Hannity? Eh. For charity? Ahhh, maybe?No. No. Waterboarding is bad. [Huffington Post]

Vice, most recent employer of the Hipster Grifter, has launched a new series on the Vice Broadcasting System called "Beyond the Pages of Vice." It's basically filming them working on their articles, and the first is a look at the, uh, dangers of mixing aerosol hairspray and fire. No word yet on whether or not the Hipster Grifter or her boobs will make an appearance in future episodes. [VBS]

We were just thinking about switching to a bra without underwires, because, well, we don't have much to hold up. But not now. A Detroit woman's underwire actually deflected a bullet! [2News]

Miley Cyrus may be a bratty little Southerner who loves little baby Jesus, but she also loves the gays (her new fanbase?). [AfterEllen]

Last year, when FHM named Megan Fox "Sexiest Woman in the World," we were all "WTF?", the 'W' standing for "who," of course. We're singing the same song for this year's winner Cheryl Cole. May she find the same, uh, fame as Fox in the coming year. [FHM]

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

Related:

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

Breast Milk: To Suckle Or Not To Suckle

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Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Smile, or You'll Get Divorced

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

Related:

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Sloppy Seconds: In Which We Consider Michael Chabon's Sexuality, Again

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

Do you have what it takes to put together lists of the hottest women in the world (eyes, the ability to count to 100 with or without the help of a computer)? Then you might be in the running toward becoming FHM's next top editor-in-chief. They're looking. [Brand Republic]

Levi Johnston: proof that even if you're a teenage father you can still dream big. Johnston's dream? Becoming a model or actor, of course. [Gawker]

Howard Stern is now Twittering. Well, really it's the Howard Stern Show, which probably means there's a ghost Twitterer. And he is following no one. Jerk. [Twitter]

Half of the female contestants on Bravo's new show "Top Chef Masters" are "chefbians." Er, um, chefs who also happen to be lesbians. [AfterEllen]

What's Prince up to these days? Oh, just singing about Salma Hayek's curves. [Us]

How in the hell did we miss Gay Clay Aiken on America's Next Top Model? [People]

Having read the majority of Michael Chabon's published work, we always questioned his sexuality. We were not the only ones. And apparently we missed that thing he wrote about the time he slept with a man. [Queerty]

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Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

At Least Amy Winehouse Has Good Taste in Underwear

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

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"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

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Sloppy Seconds: Michelle Obama Does the Unthinkable

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:41:00 GMT

MSNBC has finally discovered fuck buddies. And that college students have them. [MSNBC]

Will items off of the Chipotle value menu have fewer calories? We sure hope so. [Yahoo!]

We always wonder why people who spend lots of money to have signs, boxes, etc. printed don't get copy editors. An Oregon company probably could have used one before printing a phone sex number on their cereal box. [Google/AP]

Starting next month, same-sex couples can be legally married in Sweden. [BBC]

More "celebrities" blogging about their relationship woes. Meh. [People]

Madonna is already celebrating the adoption of a child she has not yet officially adopted. [Us]

A man in China swallowed a pair of scissors. And survived! [Telegraph]

For the first time in 57 years, the Queen of England publicly hugged someone (sort-of). And that someone was Michelle Obama. And then Obama hugged the Queen back (sort-of)! Apparently, this is a big deal. [DailyMail]

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Sloppy Seconds: 'Saved by the Bell' Reunion

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:02:00 GMT

We would like to preface these very sloppy seconds by telling you we think these things are true. But you know how media outlets like to play April Fool's jokes. Ugh.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has been voted off of "Dancing with the Stars." [Yahoo!]

Chris Brown has an entire women's basketball team to beat up. [Us]

Mariah Carey celebrated her 40th birthday with husband Nick Cannon. In other news Mariah Carey is 40! [People]

Kim Kardashian is taking legal action against the porno "Keeping Up With the KardASSians." [FadedYouth]

Jimmy Fallon planned to reunite the entire cast of "Saved by the Bell" (yes!) but failed (noooo!). [Vulture]

Sloppy Seconds: Female-Friendly Porn

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:17:00 GMT

Fifteen employees have been fired from the Kaiser Permanente hospital where Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets after they snooped through her medical records. What a way to go. We probably would have done the same thing. [Us]

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, one of "The Real Housewives of New York," has separated from hubby Count Alexandre de Lesseps. But she's keeping her title! [Yahoo!]

Here's your chance to win a free copy of a young-adult novel with the best title ever: "My Parents Are Sex Maniacs." [Annick Press]

Jennifer Hudson's three dogs will be a part of her wedding to David Otunga. [People]

The ladies at MarieClaire have rounded up what they consider to be the most female-friendly porn sites. We, of course, have been doing a lot of bookmarking today. [MarieClaire]

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