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Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:49:00 GMT

We know it's hard to quit Facebook, the awful and unreadable website that networks socials.

But it may be advisable not to post status messages of any kind when you're on sick leave... my Mom works for an insurance-fraud investigation company and the first thing they check is your Facebook page-- to see if it says something like "Back home from the hospital, kicking back and playing Nintendo Wii with both of my broken hands!"

This dumbass should've known better...

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A NEW WINDOW AND THE LARGER PHOTO

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

We're Over Facebook, And Here's Why

Sex is the New Airborne

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

How bizarre is it that Fox News has become our go-to source for information on medical breakthroughs involving sex? Oddly enough, the famous conservative news source was the first outlet to tell us about a new study (ah, yes, one of those) showing all the many wonderful things sex does for the body. Some of them may actually surprise you-- and just because this is Fox we're talking about here.

Fox took their info from The Daily Mail, while we, in turn, mercifully condensed the epic story down to the most useful quotes. The article spotlights doctors at Nottingham University who want you all to have sex for the good of your health. And not the usual, "It clears the sinuses, you'll lose weight!" obviousness we've been digesting for decades. Among the benefits mentioned:

...increasing longevity to reducing the risk of erectile dysfunction and even heart attack...

Well, yes, one would think successfully completing intercourse decreases the risk of erectile dysfunction, but we see the point:

[M]en who kept up a regular sex life in their 50s were also at lower risk of developing prostate cancer
American research found that menopausal women who had sex every week had estrogen levels twice as high as their abstaining counterparts.

'This may provide some protection against male osteoporosis.'
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu.
One of the largest studies on longevity and sex - conducted on Welsh men - found that those who had sex less than once a month had double the risk of dying prematurely than those who had sex twice a week.

There's bad news for us twenty- and thirtysomething sex fiends:

(Conversely, they found 'too much' sexual activity - more than 20 times a month - in the 20s and 30s could increase the risk.)

Guess we won't be getting laid tonight... not that we were planning on it anyway.

Via the Daily Mail.

Diddy Tweets His Tantric Sex Sesh

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

Rape Simulation Game: Wheee!

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:30:00 GMT

This is the most disturbing game I've ever seen. RapeLay is a Japanese rape simulation game which was for sale until recently on Amazon (view the cache image here).

Amazon's description: "Rapelay is an offshoot of the Illusion series, Interact Play. You, like in previous installments, play as a public nuisance that gets away from captivity and starts scouting for new targets. This time around you find a family of a single mother and her two daughters. You quickly begin your hunt and capture each woman one by one. The gameplay involves an amusing training/disposition system with which to break each respective target to your liking. Watch where you blow your load, or you might get them pregnant!"

But a user review quoted in the Belfast Telegraph describes it further, and it gets even sicker. "If she does become pregnant you're supposed to force her to get an abortion, otherwise she gets more and more visibly pregnant each time you have sex. If you allow the child to be born then the woman will throw you in front of a train!"

Amazon removed the game after the Telegraph brought it to their attention. But a search on Amazon currently for the game brings up a passage in the book Japanamerica: How Japanese Culture Has Invaded the U.S., arguing that anyone taking offense to this game just doesn't understand Japanese culture: "of course, it does not make fantasy a reality, any more than tenticle porn subjects real Japanese women to rapists who look like octopi or attack with tree limbs."

Tentacle porn?!

Here's a screen shot from the game, where you'll see the graphic artists had as good of a grasp of female anatomy as that evidenced when my friend and I found her younger brother's drawings of naked ladies back in high school. In the video beneath that photo, you'll see these super-extendo breasts are apparently made of Jello, because they don't stop moving.

UPDATE: This video has since been removed from YouTube. The following video shows characters from RapeLay in a different game.

Related:

We Need to Come Up with a New Word for "Rape Fantasy"

Do Rape, Don't Tell: Women in U.S. Army More Likely To Get Raped Than Killed

Today in WTF? Flirting Women Blamed for Rape

Via I Am Bored

Today in the Apocalypse: the Caylee Anthony Doll

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:32:00 GMT

We don't even want to know the name of the person who came up with the idea of a "tribute doll" for a murdered girl, a doll being sold for profit, because then we might have to commit serious crimes. Since there's no such thing as hell, if we send this doll's creator enough bad vibes, voodoo-style, maybe he'll suffer a miserable fallout from this idea.

And by the way, before you leap to his undeserved defense, the doll is retailing for $30, with a "portion" "possibly" going to an undecided charity. Nice try, assface.

Asked about whether it's appropriate for his company profit on Caylee's death, Salcedo said he is anticipating critics.

"I think that that is going to come up," he said.

Salcedo said the public does not understand what it costs to make the doll, ship it, import it, and his company's expenses. [Orlando Sentinel]

Hey, Salcedo (now we know your name), no one's forcing you to do anything.

Related:

Today in WTF: Drunken Negro Face Obama Cookies

Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:52:00 GMT

When she was admitted to the hospital, one Australian girl was described by a doctor as "the sickest girl I've ever seen" and was running a temperature of 42 degrees Celsius. (For those of you keeping score in crazy America land, that would be about 107 degrees Fahrenheit.) Her mouth was peeling, black, and she could barely breathe thanks to her throat being stuffed with pills.

Now that she's confined to a wheelchair and suffering from brain damage, the eleven-year-old girl's father is off to six months in prison. But what is his crime?

According to various sources, it's not stuffing the pills down her throat or even waiting so long to take her to a doctor. It's the fact that he used alternative medicine-- in the form of widely discredited supplements called Mannatech, which aren't even supposed to treat anything. They're basically vitamins, according to the product's official website, which notes the pill is designed to optimize "skin, weight [loss], physical fitness and general health." When the girl's mother learned of her ex-husband's drug of choice, she decided not to intervene, lest he attempt to take away her custody.

Dad's lack of understanding of basic medicine, however, does not explain why he didn't take her to the hospital when her condition grew grave. The media is forgetting that it isn't the alternative medicine that's the biggest culprit here-- it's the parents' neglect. And before you say it's all Daddy's fault (he is mostly to blame, to be sure), let's not forget Mom worrying more about what's best for her and not gambling a bit of future paternity to intervene with, say, the police.

Related:

Boy Dies From Urinary Tract Infection While Parents Pray

What Do Women Fear Most?

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Under Attack

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Apparently, bisexual men enjoy The Rock.

What are these parents going to tell their kids when they get beat up because they insist, even into their later years, that they clearly remember going to the North Pole, where they met Ronald McDonald and Santa Claus?

The producer of Don't Look Now's unforgettable sex scene clears up the "did they or didn't they" debate:

“My company had made it and it was the most beautiful lovemaking scene with Donald Sutherland [and Julie Christie.]

“[It was] beautiful visually and beautiful emotionally because it is in fact about a married couple who have gone through a terrible tragedy and they are trying to get themselves back together so it was a very strong, important part of the picture.”

However, Deeley insisted that contrary to popular belief Sutherland and Christie were merely acting.

As usual, Hollywood's shitty fare fell flat on its face at the box office this weekend.

At 33, Tara Reid finally checked into rehab.

A teenage girl had her party crashed by an obnoxious Facebook group. On the plus side, it might lead to a modeling contract for her.

And George Bush was nearly assaulted by two flying shoes at a press conference. They were thrown by an Iraqi journalist, who said something like "This is the end, you dog" and wanted to insult Junior.

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

New York Mag News Flash: Women Drink Like Men, Except Not

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Have you guys become addicted to the STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE blog yet?

You should-- they have hilarious features, including one that we are about to pirate and use as a basis for our own list of "Hilarious Deaths." That list should be called ironic deaths (such as the one where the only non-lifeguard at a party of lifeguards, all of whom were celebrating their year without a single death on the job, drowned in the swimming pool), although there are a few that don't make the cut.

You'll thank us or (is it forgive us?) for removing Eric Clapton's son's tragic death and some of the other, unfunny and more offensive choices:

1) JOHANN UNDERWALD, Swiss math genius, in a 1999 bungee-jump gone wrong. The problem? He made himself a "300-foot bungee cord to make the 250-foot leap."

2) BOBBY Leach, an American folk hero and early pioneer of the daredevil schtick later appropriated by Evil Kneivel, made some incredible leaps and bounds of his own before finally succumbing to his death after slipping on a banana peel.

3) "PISTOL" PETE MARAVICH, one of the greatest basketball players of the mid-20th century and the all-time leader in NCAA Division I, died of a heart attack during a pickup game. (The bloggers neglect to mention he was a retired alcoholic by then, and the cause of death was related to a heart defect that should have killed him years earlier.)

4) DR. ATKINS. You all saw this one coming: his fad diet was again taking the country by stor, crushing sales of bread and other carb-heavy food, when a 250-pound man was found dead. That man was Dr. Atkins.

5) Same with the founder of PowerBar and the pro jogger who died while jogging. Ironic but not that funny.

6) Maybe not ironic but at least not too morbid: VICTOR VILLENTI, a well-known jogger was killed "—while jogging—after being struck by an eight-pound frozen leg of lamb that had fallen from someone’s third-story window."

7) One more health nut death:

...JEROME IRVING RODALE, massively successful publisher of health-food books and Prevention magazine. After having boasted that he was going to “live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” Rodale appeared on The Dick Cavett Show in 1971. When it appeared that Rodale had fallen asleep in his chair, Cavett asked him, “Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?” If so, he had been bored to death, since he died of a heart attack while the show was filming. Sadly, the show never aired.

8) We all remember WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON, who, as the Simpons remind us, died in 30 days. Harrison gave his inaugural address in the freezing cold. But to show everyone what a "man" he was, he neglected to wear a coat. The President came down with pnuemonia... and the rest is history.

9) In Arizona,

DAVID GRUNDMAN thought it would be cool to grab his shotgun and go out “cactus plugging” with a friend one day in 1982. He plugged a 26-foot Saguaro, a huge prickly slab of which fell and smashed him to death.

10) JENNIFER LEE STRANGE had a strange death of her own: she died while holding her bladder in a "Hold Your Wee For A Wee" radio contest. Jennifer, it's a $250 item-- not worth dying over.

There are more, but some of them aren't that ironic (being killed by bears after staying with them for more than a dozen summers is not irony, it's invevitability.) You can check out the rest here.

Running in Heels: It's Hard Enough Just Walking, Moscow

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Ladies, we have to give it to you-- there's no way we'd be able to walk around in those things for more than thirty seconds without massacring an entire post office full of people in a blind rage. They probably look as uncomfortable to us as they are to wear.

That being said... what in God's name is going on with this new trend of street races in heels? We were hoping the one sponsored by Glamour in March was some sort of sick marketing scam/joke, but whatever it is, alas, it's catching on...

Apparently this isn't even the first time. The middle photo is from 2006-- in Russia... and sponsored by Glamour Magazine.

A girl attends a high heels race in Moscow, capital of Russia, July 8, 2006. Girls took part in the race wearing high heels with required minimum height of 8 centimeters to compete for a total bonus of 100.000 roubles (3,726 dollars). The race was held by a Russian fashion magazine.

This year, it went up to a minimum of 9 centimeters. NINE CENTIMETERS! Ladies, would you take 100.000 roubles, excuse us, three thousand bucks to run in heels? Oh wait... nope, no more prize money... it's just...

This year it took place near the GUM store by Red Square. The closeness of shops seemed to have raised the participants' spirits, as the main prize was a shopping certificate.

A crowd of onlookers gathered at the event scene to support the competitors who had spent more than two hours preparing for the race and making sure they look glamorous enough. Whilst some girls were queuing up to get fashion stylist’s service, more experienced racers were taping their shoes to their legs.

Some of the runners fell down and dropped out of the race just three seconds after the start. For the leader, however, it took only 12-14 seconds to reach the finish line.

Luckily, this year no heels were broken.

Via Russia Today.

Related:

What's Wrong With This Picture? Women Racing in High Heels

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Your Friday funnies... a look back at the funniest things John McCain has ever said:

Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno. [1998]
"The nice thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Easter eggs." [1999]
"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?'" [1986]
"The French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it," McCain told Fox News a few years ago.
...he — in jest — referred to a young man who asked about his age as "you little jerk," before telling him, "You're drafted." [2008]
McCain was also recently condemned by the government of Iran for suggesting that increasing U.S. cigarette sales to Iran could be "a way of killing 'em." [2008]
[Charlie Crist, on how much persistent McCain was] “Well, not that much,” Crist began answering. “It was just waterboarding,” McCain interjected. [2008]

Did we miss any? Well, no matter what, this guy has better comic timing than Bush... or Barack Obama. We're just not certain he's helping his campaign by weilding it...

Via Politico and various other sources.

First Bad St. Patrick's Day Joke: Emmy Go Blagh

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:12:00 GMT

We're hopped up on Theraflu and were up most of the night, so you'll have to forgive us for that one. You're probably wondering to yourself, 'Don't you bloggers ever take a day off?' The answer is yes, but only when we have more important things to do than be sick. You see, we have no excuse to not blog when we're under the weather, because sick or healthy, we're at home in bed with our laptops. Though the only thing we can wrap our brains around now is, 'Why didn't we insist the doctor take out our tonsils when we still had health insurance?' We didn't, so instead of posting endless pictures of LOLcats (which is all we really want to do when we're sick), we're going to try and get our mind off of health insurance and into the gutter where it belongs. In about an hour.

Scanner : sick

Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

We're Over Facebook, And Here's Why

Sex is the New Airborne

Miss March Missing Something... Oh Yeah, Nudity

Diddy Tweets His Tantric Sex Sesh

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

Rape Simulation Game: Wheee!

We Need to Come Up with a New Word for "Rape Fantasy"

Today in WTF? Flirting Women Blamed for Rape

Today in the Apocalypse: the Caylee Anthony Doll

Today in WTF: Drunken Negro Face Obama Cookies

Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Boy Dies From Urinary Tract Infection While Parents Pray

What Do Women Fear Most?

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Under Attack

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

New York Mag News Flash: Women Drink Like Men, Except Not

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Running in Heels: It's Hard Enough Just Walking, Moscow

What's Wrong With This Picture? Women Racing in High Heels

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

First Bad St. Patrick's Day Joke: Emmy Go Blagh