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10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:56:00 GMT

We continue our two-part series with some of the screen's top stars... some of whom are still box office draws, despite what the media wants you to believe...

Helen Mirren, 63

Helen Mirren never has to worry about studly husband/director leaving her for one of his younger leading ladies, since none of them can hold a candle to her talent, classiness, sex appeal, and status as an Academy Award-winning screen legend. The above photograph of the star in her bikini last year lit up internet wires across the globe-- for example, our traffic went through the roof the day we posted it. Thank you, Helen Mirren, for being our muse.

Carly Simon, 63

It's been a long time since James Taylor spotted Carly Simon's "incredible long legs" passing by on a summer day in a small Massachusetts town. Since then, she wrote a song about him, "You're So Vain," (or was it Warren Beatty?), won several Grammy's, topped the charts a million times over, and developed a solo career that has long outpaced her (now ex-)husband's. Simon and her gloriously pretty teeth and, we're guessing, still-dynamo gams continue to record and tour... but not often enough.

Susan Sarandon, 62

Tim Robbins whined about not being able to vote as his regular polling site last November, which must've made him feel really ridiculous when he woke up the next morning and realized, "Holy balls! Forget all my troubles-- I'm still sleeping next to the babe from Bull Durham any Playboy's best boobs 1981!" Speaking of those marvelous mams, it's difficult to pull off a dress like that at any age, let alone hers, without causing a media (i.e. tabloid journalism) firestorm, but here she is in all her glory...

Meryl Streep, 59

If anyone out there worries about how their "looks" will hold up at the age of 59, just take a gander at the Before and After photos of Streep depicted above. She is one of the greatest actors of all time, rivaling Olivier and Hepburn, and draws hundreds of millions in box office every year as one of the biggest names on the planet. But more importantly, at least for our purposes here, Streep is somehow more beautiful than even in 1977, when we first saw her in Julia. Can a nude, comic romp in a "getting old and falling in love" movie with Jack Nicholson be far behind?

Pam Grier, 59

Can you believe there's an African-American actress in her fifties who made a major comeback more than ten years ago and is still a major star, albeit on television, as she approaches her 60th birthday? Well, you wouldn't know it from the media. The announcement that she was joining the cast of the Showtime series the L Word was met with little tongue-wagging. Of course, that all changed the moment we saw how drop-dead gorgeous she remains-- not to mention the collective sigh of relief when it turned out the show's writers weren't going to blaxploitate her into irrelevancy. We eagerly await her next career move now that the show is sadly off the air.

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10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:29:00 GMT

With the release of two more Michelle Obama-led magazine covers this month, we started to wonder that, if forty is fabulous, what happened to adoration for fifty-year-old women? Seriously, besides this month's essence, which features 45-year-old Obama and her 71-year-old mother, when was the last time you saw a fifty-plus woman on the cover of an American magazine? (AARP doesn't count, damn it.)

This list sets out to right that ridiculous wrong-- with ten famous women who can still sell magazines into their sixth decade...

By the way, this list is by no means complete-- we could easily do a top 100 over sexy women in their 50s from the land of the famous... and have plenty left over:

Cheryl Ladd, 57

Most recently of the James Caan-led Vegas show, Ladd could easily pass for ten years younger and more. What's extraordinary about her is her refreshing take on women who want to look younger:

I have no problem with plastic surgery. I have a problem with women who are 40 and 50 years old trying to look 20. That's when plastic surgery goes wonky. You can tweak what God gave you and freshen it up and look maybe eight to 10 years younger than what you are, but that's the limit. Otherwise it's just frightening what some woman are doing to themselves. They look masky and strange. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

Diahann Carroll, 73.

This sadly, nearly-forgotten (well, at least by the obnoxious mainstream culture of nipple slips and big-ass-obsessed rap videos) Tony and Golden Globe award-winning actress and dancer, who famously dumped David Frost via her marriage announcement to another man, is without question one of the superficially excellent-looking women of all time. Exhibit A: the above two photos (including the one atop this post.) Exhibit B: notorious (bad dresser) and ragingly assholic Mr. Blackwell, who made one of his few good calls when he dubbed Ms. Carroll "possibly the most perfect woman" and the "all-time best-dressed woman." Amen.

Sharon Stone, 51

Yes, her boobs aren't real and, yes, she's kind of a wacko by all insider accounts from Hollywood, California, but let's not forget-- Sharon Stone is a good-looking fifty-one-year-old woman. We love that she has refused to step off the A-list and accept the usual "housewife or nun" Oscar bait roles and continues to lead major fundraisers for gay rights and other worthy causes. And even when she's in her 70s, we're betting you'll still picture the hottest sex scene in film history when you hear her name.

Nancy Wilson, 55

Nancy Wilson is the ultimate woman. There, I said it. She's a rock and roll badass, still making great music into her sixth decade on earth (take that, pretty much everyone!), became a mom just under ten years ago, and, well, it's irrelevant whether she's still attractive, although she very much is. Wilson will always have a place in our hearts for marrying that big romantic lug Cameron Crowe, who says even today that he cannot quite believe that knockout from Heart wanted anything to do with a Nice, Dopey Guy like him.

Sally Field, 62

Sally Field was once so sexy, she was able to fend off marriage offers from Burt Reynolds at his peak. More importantly, Sally Field is-- and feel free to disagree with me on this one, as I've been told I'm crazy-- she's even hotter now. Did you see her acceptance speech at the Emmy's in 2007? Not only was she jaw-droppingly gorgeous, but her acceptance speech (sorry for the offensive imagery, but it's true) stirred more than one of our body parts: "If the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn wars in the first place!" Of course, FoxNews deleted this portion of the program...

Continue reading in Part Two...

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Younger Men Say "Do Not Want" To Older Women?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:16:00 GMT

The Boston Globe has a story today about a woman who has been failing to successfully organize speed dating events pairing "older" women and "younger" men. The men, it seems, won't even register in numbers great enough to prevent her service from automatically canceling it.

As our resident expert on dating older women, I can safely say that the myth that Demi-Ashton relationships are on the way out can be easily disproved...

First, let's address this chunk of text:

Sure, Demi Moore broke a mold, and I know a few couples - family members and friends of friends - who represent the highly publicized demographic of older women and younger men, but the dating industry will tell you that for the most part that demographic is a myth. Men still seek younger women, especially as those men get older themselves.
"It's the general rules, what happens when people hook up and go into a relationship," said Mark Brooks, an online dating industry consultant who runs Online Personals Watch. "With men dating women, it tends to be up to six years younger but it will only be up to two years older."
And why is that?
"Guys tend to have unrealistic expectations," said Brooks, who bragged that he is one of the mythical Ashton Kutcher-types (he recently dated someone nine years older than him). "Most men are too busy looking at magazines and not busy enough looking in the mirror."

Wait, guys tend to have unrealistic expectations? From looking at magazines?! Please, both sexes have this problem and it greatly affects everything about our relationships. But we're getting off topic...

While it's true that, the older we get, the more likely we are to seek out younger people to reinvigorate ourselves and blah blah blah. However, I started dating older women by default-- in NYC, my first two dozen dates in my "age range" were demanding, had unrealistic expectations, and/or had nothing interesting to say. (In their defense, I was probably wrong about a good many of them, but I digress.) Meanwhile, although the majority of women in New York are interesting, attractive, and intelligent, the ones I tended to come across had longtime boyfriends, guys who snapped them up in college and have been hanging on for dear life.

(Or maybe we're just into them because we want what we can't have. Maybe.)

After putting in a few years trying to pick up and date women in their 20s and having things never work out, I found I more often ended up in relationships with beautiful, passionate, and energetic single women in their 30s and even 40s while I was in my early- and mid-20s. I would gladly date an "older woman" again. Because while some guys may be so superficial as to not even bother with a wonderful woman older than them, there are plenty of others out there who find that, as Lou Reed says about relationships, they're "like a good wine/[they're] better as [they] get older."

Via the Boston Globe.

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Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:03:00 GMT

Every Hollywood action movie has to have a distracting sex scene about 70 minutes into the movie, just before the big, climactic showdown sequence begins-- just ask Sylvester Stallone. We defy you to name one action flick he's done without him rolling around in the sack with a Sharon Stone type, while Enya's instrumental score plays on the soundtrack in time with the snoring of almost everyone.

But, as no dude would feel the film is complete without it, screenwriters and directors keep plugging them in, sometimes ending up with something halfway decent...

Here are our Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies... God forbid you ask us to remember the context these fall in:

5. Cyborg 2. Is that... Good Lord, it is, isn't it? Yep, check out Angelina Jolie's slow-mo boobs in this quintessential pointless action movie sex scene, which was Jack Palance's ridiculously boneheaded followup to winning an Oscar for City Slickers. You can watch a higher quality clip of the same scene here (it's a smaller, non-embeddable frame.)

4. Killing Zoe. Watching this a second time, we realize how hilariously (and obviously) Freudian this is. The clip from the original Nosferatu, where the man springs from the floor, fully erect? Not phallic at all. Neither is the Venus fly trap clamping shut. The more we started thinking about this-- that Julie Delpy is the hooker with the heart of gold who gets Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with a bank robber... ay ay ay... now we know why this fell into obscurity, despite Tarantino's involvement. Goodness starts at the 10:00 mark in the full film (seen below) or just click this link to go directly to the sex.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This obnoxiously bad ripoff of "Prizzi's Honor" at least satisfied one requirement of the Hollywood action genre: a gratuitous, PG-13 rated sex scene. You actually see the moment where Brad Pitt decided to cheat on Jennifer Aniston in this clip.

2. The Terminator. It takes a hell of a director to making these two co-stars look sexy-- which is why James Cameron now has more money than a Fannie Mae exec. No wonder he ended up with Linda Hamilton for many years...

1. 300. Try watching any random section of dialogue in this film. Seriously-- you won't be able to last ten seconds without breaking out in fits of hysterical laughter. But this sex scene will shut you up right quick.

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Today, we conclude our list of the 50 sexiest movies ever made with these five explosive favorites, voted on, in part, by you...

For 10-6, click here.

5. If These Walls Could Talk 2. This sweeping lesbian love saga was a bit too Lifetime Movie Of The Week for our tastes, but the Emmy voters loved it: in addition to giving a Best Supporting Actress statue to Vanessa Redgrave, voters awarded this HBO sequel with three other nominations in leading categories, including Best Made For Television Film. Not only is it a strong and passionate artistic achievement, there are, of course, many sexy moments: from Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams making out in front of a stunned male neighbor to Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres exploring every inch of each other. We mentioned this film and the Sevigny-Williams sex scene in an unrelated post on Friday, with the post and NSFW clip here.

4. Mulholland Drive. When we went to a New Orleans Film Festival advance screening of this film, people were leaving the theater in droves about midway through. It took us a minute to realize they were all going to the bathroom to play with themselves thanks to the film's unbelievably sexy love scenes between Laura Harring and Naomi Watts. See below for a teaser or click here for the full scenes.

3. Secretary. This movie could have been subtitled: "Work and other sadomasochistic activities." Maggie Gyllenhaal is spanked, made to crawl on the floor while carrying paper in her teeth, and to fall in love with James Spader. And, more importantly, she enjoys every minute of it. Depsite the ridiculous Sleeping Beauty-esque climax, it's not the least bit surprising this movie rose above the independent pile-on of the early 2000's to become a mainstream DVD smash.

Secretary - Spanking Scene

2. Basic Instinct. Can you believe that some moviegoers were unsure who the killer was? SPOILER ALERT: It was Sharon Stone, you bleeding idjits. On a lighter note, the most memorable nude scene in move history almost didn't happen-- after all, it wasn't in Joe Eszterhas's infamous screenplay. And whenever you see Sharon Stone on TV telling you she didn't know the camera was going to be right between her legs? Laugh. [Very NSFW clip follows.]

Sharon Stone Crossing the Line

1. Sex & Lucia. Several of you suggested this film-- as if we could've left it off in our right minds! A lonely writer's craziest fan picks him up in a restaurant, takes him home, and gives him the best sex a human being has ever had, then stays faithful to him even after his untimely death-- while a guy with a huge dick tries to get in her pants. The sexual energy of this film is so unrelenting, it's impossible to watch alone without taking off your clothes. Watching as a couple? Forget about it. It'll take at least three viewings to get through the whole two hours. We don't want to spoil any of the raunch, so here's a trailer instead:

Honorable Mentions: The Fabulous Baker Boys, Wild Things, Sliver, Sherrybaby, Damage, Fatal Attraction, Last Tango in Paris, The Blue Lagoon, Nine Songs, Miami Vice, Harold & Maude, Indecent Proposal.

Previously: 10-6, 20-11, 30-21, 40-31, 50-41

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:37:00 GMT

From the Hypocrite Files: Martinez, California prosecutor Michael Gressett with twelve sex offenses, ranging from forced oral copulation to rape, stemming from an incident that took place back in May.

But Gressett says the woman is making up the story in a vengeful attempt to ruin his career.

The counts are as follows:

(3) forced sexual penetration

(4) sodomy by force

(2) forcible rape

(1) false imprisonment

(1) forced oral copulation

(1) some undetermined threatening charge

The victim is basically accusing him of the male version of the Sharon Stone character from Basic Instinct, claiming he used an icepick (and handgun, just for the hell of it) to keep her from struggling. But she was already tied up, so why did he need both a handgun and an icepick?

Something stinks about this whole case, and it's not just the fact that she waited five months before going to the police, which often happens in cases of acquaintance rape. It's just too simple-- a sex crimes prosecutor commits as many sex crimes as are humanly possible in one afternoon and not only ties the woman up, but uses a gun and a sharp object to keep her from fighting back. Then he just lets her leave his house and no one hears about it for five months.

In other words, we wouldn't be surprised if the charges are true, but in this case, we wouldn't be surprised if this woman's story starts to come up apart immediately...

Via Mercury News.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1990s

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 20:25:00 GMT

This could've been a Top 5 Scenes with Antonio Banderas list, he was in so many sexy movies after Mambo Kings broke him in America... but we'll spare you that and only use a few of his films for this, our totally incomplete list of the hottest sex in mainstream movies in the decade that time forgot...

5. Desperado. We're tempted to make an Eagles joke here (something about "coming to your senses and just enjoy the sex for what it is"), but we won't put this one down. Despite the cheesy Cinemax lighting and softcore porn music, it's still memorable... which says more about Salma Hayek's boobs than anything else...

4. Never Talk To Strangers. Here's Antonio again, just coincidentally, we swear. If it wasn't for the cage, this sex scene would be totally laughable. Well, we'll admit it's still eyeroll-enducing... but that never stopped us from enjoying it in all its three-minute glory.

3. The Doom Generation. Although this video is strangely without sound, it's much better than the other clips we've been able to find. (Try searching on YouTube and you'll get the bathtub scene coupled with a Nine Inch Nails song that doesn't help.)

2. Wild At Heart. This is David Lynch's award-winning creeper from the early part of the decade. Would it be redundant then, since we mentioned it's a Lynch film, to mention the sex scene is arousing and somehow weird without even trying?

Video plays automatically, so it's linked here. Don't miss it.

1. Basic Instinct. This is the unrated version of the most famous sex scene of the decade, a version we find surprisingly less appealing. In the interest of full disclosure: this is the best sex scene of all-time. Period. And Howard Stern agrees, so it's not just me...

Runner Ups: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down (would have made this list if we could've found the scene online), Revenge, Sliver (nah), and a few more from the comments section of this post (have at it.)

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:04:00 GMT

If we've learned anything from Hollywood, it's that 30 seconds of sex is enough for people to endure two hours of terrible moviemaking. (Then again, as in the case of The Girl Next Door, if you promise an "unrated" sex movie and deliver no nudity, barely any sex, and two hours of complete crap? You will pay.)

Here are five of our favorites we haven't been able to forget... all from movies we wish we could...

5. Basic Instinct 2. This sex scene is not even in the Top 200 of Good Sex Scenes From Bad Movies, mainly because it's not a good sex scene. It looks like the film was sped up to make it look rougher, faster, and hotter. It only serves to make it look even more idiotic. We're including it here for comic relief. (The clip we're referring to starts at about 1:20.)

4. Friday the 13th. The original put all my friends to sleep at a late-night slumber party when we were kids-- it's that scary. Rent Black Christmas (the original) or even Halloween (also the original) and you'll do much better. But we like this nice little sex scene all the same...

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

3. Reindeer Games. Even Charlize Theron admits this movie sucks. But who doesn't want to see her naked?

2. The Doors. No matter what you think of Oliver Stone and Jim Morrison, you have to admit combining the two should be brilliant... or, at least, the right pairing for a movie. Too bad Stone focused on nothing but the debauchery and made a pointless movie that offered nothing new or interesting about the late singer. That doesn't mean we don't love this ridiculous and ultimately sexy sex scene:

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

1. Original Sin. If not for this "action" sequence, no one would remember Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas' theatrical turd. This is the longest scene on this list and the one most likely to have ended up on Skinemax if not for the presence of A-list stars... it's more than 2 minutes long, complete with an obnoxious orchestral score, and is about as soft-core as it gets. Enjoy.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The leader of the dreaded Taliban in Pakistan is dead. Much to everyone's chagrin, his death is from kidney failure.

This new Dr. Drew sex show isn't going over well. Especially the stuff about Moms and their sons discussing each others' sex lives.

That nonsense about Russia being so close to Alaska? Turns out it's truer than we thought...

Owen Wilson's new addiction? Text messaging.

Sharon Stone is really starting to freak us out. Stop it!

And we were going to wait for the full Esquire feature, but it's taking forever to come out, so we'll just tell you what we know: Anne Hathaway has become the first Hollywood star to publicly praise anal sex:

“Every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing.” She adds that anal penetration makes her feel “feminine in a very special way.”

The actress also spoke at length about the significance selecting a trustworthy partner for first time anal encounters.

Via Pop Crunch.

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