Scanner : shakespeare

Barded Man of the Week: Shakespeare

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

A portrait recently came to light that experts say is the only portrait of Shakespeare painted during his lifetime, and so the only accurate depiction of how he really looked. As a friend who passed this story along observed, "Shakespeare was a babe!" I don't know if I'd go that far, but he does look markedly better in the newly discovered portrait than in many previous depictions, like the above...

The painting has belonged to the Cobbes family for several centuries, but they never realized who the subject of the portrait was until one family member saw a reproduction of his family's painting at a Shakespeare exhibit at a gallery. Now, one expert says they are 90 percent sure the subject of this portrait is Shakespeare, and x-rays and infrared anaylsis confirm the painting was made in 1610, when the Bard was 47. Also, the Cobbes family is distantly related to Shakespeare's only known patron, so it's totally him.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Joaquin Phoenix's "final" acting performance has been getting rapturous reviews, especially from critics who actually believe his recent publicity stunts are real. One writer, however, noted that it would be impossible to watch Phoenix's Letterman appearance back-to-back with the new film Two Lovers and not think he's faking the rap career.

However, the largely negative reactions to Phoenix's new music and public persona have turned people off of Two Lovers, and so producers are hoping Gwyneth Paltrow can sell the movie, in which she co-stars. To do so, they've leaked a phone sex scene in which Paltrow flashes a boob at Phoenix from a window.

It's only about thirty seconds long, but this is the hottest Paltrow has been since Shakespeare in Love. (By the way, numerous idiotic websites claim this is her first topless scene-- they aren't even close. See below.)

Here are some highlights from her past work... that food travel show not included... har har.

Flesh and Bone

Shakespeare in Love

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle

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Fake Shakespearean Actors Stage Colin Farrell Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:07:00 GMT

Have you heard about this live show called Celebrity Biographies where celebrities read from terrible celebrity books, such as Loni Anderson's memoirs? (Kristen Wiig, Rachel Dratch, and Sherri Shepherd are among the usual readers and the show is supposedly hysterical.)

Well, a couple of dudes from who knows where took this idea a step further-- they made this video of themselves putting on Shakespearean airs and reading celebrity sex tapes...

The actual, full sex tape can be seen here. It's not as bad as we thought, particularly once they get down to the actual sex. Here's a screenshot of the hotness if you can't watch it right now:

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Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:15:00 GMT

Ah, the timeless rainy day game... Guess The Penis has been around since the time of Macbeth or possibly McCain... today, we're going to see City Rag's "Moose Knuckle Safari" and raise them one more...

Be the first to name the honorable packages correctly (or name the most) by Monday, 10/6 at 9am and you'll win a bottle of KY, two Durex fun condoms, and a strip of Trojans, all courtesy of The Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles, New York, and Chicago.

1) Hint: if you were reading Scanner last month...

2) Hint: golf isn't the sport we most identify this dude('s balls) with...

3) Hint: a Hollywood star... who likes to show off down South...

4) This little boy lost is an up-and-comer. We're referring to the actor in possession of this penis, of course...

5) Hint: it's "arena" sized...

Your guesses in the comments section.

See more packages at City Rag. Thanks, CB!

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"The Sexxing" Doesn't Hold a Candle to "Clockwork Orgy"

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:50:00 GMT

Over at Panopticist, Andrew Hearst has sniffed out some great adaptation porn to help you all rebound from your long weekend. The first and raunchiest of the clips is from The Sexxxing, an adaptation of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining that bears only a slight resemblance to the original. The main character, Miss Torrence, is watching over a haunted porno distribution office. The creepy ghost twins are bigger, and bustier and do a lot more licking. So it's, you know, very classy stuff.

And now, after the jump, Kurbick inspires yet another imitation with Clockwork Orgy.

We are very big fans of the jumpsuits. Have a feeling this one is better than the original.

Hearst has studied up on all manner of adaptation porn. He is especially fond of Shakespearian skin flicks--A Midsummer Night's Cream, anyone?