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Maxim's Ten Sexiest Women of 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:01:00 GMT

It's that time of the year again, apparently: publicists have bribed, starlets have stripped, dudes have drooled, and Maxim men have spoken: the 100 sexiest women of the year, as voted by guys who equate skankiness with sex appeal, are here for your leering amusement...

10. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Just a few weeks ago, it seems, men were dissing The Ghost Whisperer for her "cellulite thighs." Ah, but how quickly does Photoshop make one forget...

9. Jordana Brewster. She was in the recent Fast & Furious blockbuster sensation. Yep... moving on...

8. Rihanna. Here's a woman we go back and forth on all the time. While she's arguably very sexy at time, we were in a Best Buy recently and caught a live DVD of hers on one of the monitors. Besides Britney Spears, we've never seen a pop star perform so lifelessly and in fitting tribute to how awful her manufactured music is. She could've at least pretended those songs would stand the tests of time...

7. Adriana Lima. The writers don't help their cause by calling Lima hotter than Gisele Bundchen, her Brazillian/Victoria's Secret counterpart. Lima is one hot mama, but you'd have to be crazy to think anyone can compete with Gisele, arguably the last of the supermodels.

6. Eliza Dushku. We predicted, what with the relatively inexplicable press she gets from these men's magazines, Dushku would've topped this year's charts. Guess Dollhouse is going to get canceled after all...

5. Mila Kunis. Here's one we can get behind-- not in that way, sicko. When Kunis stepped away from the shadows of That 70's Show, she was reborn as full-blown, modern-day sex bomb with more than half-a-brain. Thank God, because her sex appeal as the dumpy dippy hippie chick on That Show was a bit overrated...

4. Malin Akerman. Another wise choice, although we much prefered the Watchmen star with the Uma Thurman-in-Pulp Fiction dark 'do.

3. Bar Rafaeli. Without question, Leonardo DiCaprio's paramour (seen at the top of this post) is the breakout modeling sensation of 2009. In just the last five months, she's graced the cover of The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, created one fake "cheating" scandal, and landed in the top 3 of Maxim's countdown, all without a single mainstream media interview or mention in an SNL skit. However, we're predicting she's a token choice, to be replaced next year by the next manufactured sensation.

2. Megan Fox. You knew last year's #1 would be this year's #2-- that's just the way it goes... they wouldn't sell any magazines if it was the same old used-up 18-year-old every time, right? (Kidding.) Obviously, the polls closed prior to yesterday's announcement that Fox has officially called herself "bi-sexual," as that might have skewed the vote from that, uh, demographic.

1. Olivia Wilde. "The pulse-quickening internist played by Olivia Wilde on House, M.D. is named Thirteen (which we presume is out of 10) and has a terminal illness that causes her to dabble in drugs and casual sex." Maxim then tries to make a case that "ah, we see her first!" by citing a series of walk-on roles in shows like The O.C. They should have used her real name to excite themselves over instead: "Olivia Jane Cockburn." By the way, believe it or not, but Wilde is only 25 years old-- doesn't she look much more mature, in a good way, of course?

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While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

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Oh, So They Really Weren't Kidding About Carrie Prejean Being Topless

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:50:00 GMT

At last... we have Carrie Prejean boob photos.

There are far more than the originally-promised ten, these are definitely pre-implants, and they are all professional shots of Carrie Prejean topless-- all of which disputes her initial assertion that there was only one photo, they were when she was 17 (you can tell by her face that she's old enough), and these weren't some casual bathroom pics given to a friend's talent scout or whatever.

Unfortunately, some moron released them to TMZ instead of us (or at least The Dirty), so they are all censored like the one above.

By the way, Donald Trump will announce... well, right around the time you're probably reading this... whether or not Carrie gets to keep her crown.

Via awful, lame-ass TMZ.com.

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Miss California's Dad: "All Men With Moustaches Are Gay"

Carrie Prejean May Lose Her Crown, Keep Her Free Opposite Boobs

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Now you know why we voted for him (at least in part): Obama is redirecting all of the abstinence-only money, some $138 million, to the actually-effective methods of sex ed.

Agree with almost every word of this list of the thirteen people/things that ruined it for everyone else, although Jersey could only have been helped by a show as great as the Sopranos.

Fleshbot makes a case for those Rihanna photos-- the ones her people are so upset about-- being fakes.

Susan Boyle did Oprah-- is she ever going to sing another song or just wave to photographers and do sparse interviews? She also turned down a makeover.

An Iraqi journalist who isn't exactly on board with the Palin campaign met with the Governor yesterday and said only that her voice was "annoying in person."

The adorable fawn and bobcat seen above are best buds after being rescued from the Santa Barbara wildfire. Ellen Degeneres and others are raising money for the animal rescue efforts, which are already overwhelmed with the number of cases.

Figleaf's Real Adult Sex has some good advice for those-- including, possibly, Rihanna-- who were the victims of someone "posting 'sexually incriminating' information against their will."

And Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is apparently outed with a slew of evidence in a new film released over the weekend, announced he will run for Senate.

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Miss Rhode Island Jumps Into Nude Photo Scandal, As Third Prejean Pic Surfaces

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Right-wingers have been crying foul on this Carrie Prejean hate-wave happening all across the 'net. They say, "It's unfair to attack Carrie just because she disagrees with you." Who's attacking her? These were photos she shot for her modeling career and so should have no problem with their being leaked. And if she didn't lie to the pageant people, she shouldn't have to worry about losing her crown over them, right?

Now, they're trying a different tactic: "Wait a minute-- there's a double standard here. Miss Rhode Island has also posed partially-nude-- why don't liberals care about them?"

As always with this ridiculous scandal, Miss Rhode Island's photos are only mildly NSFW...

Miss Rhode Island 2009, by the way, is one Alysha Castonguay, a Maxim magazine star for one month in 2008. We're betting good money that you haven't heard about Castonguay during this brouhaha because she may have actually read her contract with the Miss USA folks and warned them she'd recently posed for the magazine... or some other similar scenario. Prejean's real problems only began, you'll recall, when he told her superiors that a) the photos were basically child porn, which it now seems they weren't and b) there should only be one of them out there. As you can see below, that's not true either:

(And by the way, we're getting real sick of The Dirty for dragging this near-non-story out for so long. If all these photos are virtually identical, it's a huge dramatic letdown when they appear after such epic waits. Pic #4 better be a real naked shot and it better come out sometime before the year 2047.)

As for Miss Rhode Island, it turns out she was a New England Patriots cheerleader for two seasons, which included a stint as the cover girl for the team's swimsuit calendar, and the Maxim shoot was actually in conjunction with two of her teammates:

As always, click each photo for a new window and enlarge from there.

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Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

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Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Boobs Pull Double Breasted (Burger) Ad

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 18:30:00 GMT

The Australian fast food chain called Nando's has offended the nation's sensibilities once again with a demeaning ad that involves boobs, French fries, "funny accents," and boobs. There are also boobs.

A complaint that the ad encouraged discrimination against women was upheld, meaning that the ad - for the “Classic Double Breast Burger” has been pulled.

ASB CEO Fiona Jolly said: “While the Board recognised the intended humour, it also considered a significant proportion of the community would be offended and find there was an element of sexuality and objectification of women that was concerning.”

In Nando’s submission, the company claimed it had behaved with “sensitivity to the relevant audience”. It added: “As a company, we are very proud of our irreverent brand nature.”

Nice try, sexist pigs, you are hereby banned. Or: your ad is banned. Or: you get more publicity for being banned than any stupid fast food ad in which someone's boobs play a prominent role ever could have done for your chicken sandwich special.

Here is the ad that is no longer in question, due to the almighty Advertising Standards Bureau, aka the Bureau, n. "a chest" of "drawers":

What do you think? Harmless, hilarious, hideous?

Via mUmbrella.

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Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 14:46:00 GMT

After days of torture, America's nightmare drought of covered-up topless photos of hypocrtic beauty pageant losers/winners is finally over: TheDirty put up a photo of Carrie Prejean, which we have here (you're going to be disappointed, we guarantee it), which immediately resulted in ridiculous controversy...

Our first reaction: isn't this just a reverse image of the first one? But no, it's from the same session... but remarkably horrible quality, especially when paired up, as above, with the initial photo. This might have something to do with why no one's sure about its validity:

But a rep for Prejean told Access Hollywood the photo is not her. The rep acknowledged that photo shows Prejean’s head, but that “it appears to have been Photoshopped.”

The rep went on to say that Prejean maintains that one photo was taken during that session, “as far as she can remember.” Her rep noted that the photo was taken four years ago and “her memory might be faulty.”

Prejean’s rep also told Access the photo was taken by a friend of Prejean’s, who sent it to an agent, but that she “can’t remember his name.” The rep said they believe the agent might be responsible for releasing the photo to TheDirty.com.

According to her rep, Prejean has contacted the Web site and asked them to stop using her photo.

TheDirty claims it was never contacted by Prejean, has not spoken with anyone's "agent," and the photo is not Photoshopped. On that last one, we have to ask how can they be sure? The quality is beyond atrocious-- it could be a fake, a very good one at that, for all anyone knows.

But one thing is for sure-- if there are more of these to come, Prejean's claims that a) she was 17 at the time, making these child porn (she sure doesn't look 17-- although, wow, it's safe to say the woman pictured above is 20 times better looking than cross-eyed and fake-breasted Miss California) and b) she only had one photo taken? Those kinds of claims are going to help TheDirty's case and the pageant officials in their quest to strip you of your crown.

P.S. Honestly-- who takes off their top for a modeling photo and only takes one shot? She is definitely lying.

Via The Dirty.

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Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:52:00 GMT

Megan Fox doesn't have anything to promote these days, but that never stops "gentleman rags" from running hot photos of her in an effort to "boost" their "circulation."

This time, however, her appearance on the cover of Esquire, and subsequent shots of her in her underwear, have something to do with Fox's promotion of the semi-new Red Cameras...

Here's what Esquire had to say about using the RedONE on this shoot:

For the first time in Esquire's history (and, we imagine, magazine history in general), a cover image was shot as a video. Using the RedONE, a video camera that captures images at four times the resolution of high-definition, photographer-director Greg Williams recorded ten minutes of loosely scripted footage with Fox — getting out of bed, rolling around on a pool chair, inexplicably lighting a barbecue. "It allowed her to act," Williams says. "She could run scenes without being reminded by the sound of a shutter every four seconds that I was taking a picture. As in still photography, a lot of it is capturing unexpected moments. This takes that one step further."

This, by the way, is the same camera that Che, Angels and Demons, and My Bloody Valentine 3D were shot with. It is rather revolutionary... despite the conventional use of Megan Fox to promote it.

Via Esquire-- these photos will be available on May 10th on newsstands everywhere.

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AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33:00 GMT

John Paul Mitchell, 30, teaches yoga and is studying for his doctorate at the University of Sedona. He is not your typical Republican candidate, particularly since he is running against a newly-ascended state leader, Jan Brewer, who took over for Democrat Janet Napolitano when Napolitano accepted a cabinet post. He also isn't your typical politician-- he maintains a Flickr account, which he updates with campaign and personal photos on the same page.

Normally, this would be no big deal... until a photo of a topless woman appeared on the page.

Mitchell claims that the photo, which was deleted before we could at least see it and tell you what it looked like, is of Mitchell's female roommate. The candidate, who has a girlfriend, says the flatmates share an account on the site and that she posted it and meant to make it private, but forgot to. Or something. It all sounds a bit suspicious-- too many lapses in judgment for that to happen. Obviously, it sounds like he took an illicit picture of his roommate, a woman he admits to sleeping with in the past, and posted it to what he thought was a private, blocked-off area of his Flickr account. Not saying she didn't consent, but that's possible.

In any case, he had to play damage control in the news media all day yesterday:

Why would she post topless photos to the Flickr account?

Because she has hundreds of photographs on there. She uploads pictures from family gatherings, to vacations, to self-taken pictures. What she does in the privacy of our home or elsewhere is her personal business.

Again, the picture was meant to be flagged as private and not viewable by the public.

Why do you have a shared account?

Because I initially set it up for my use, but later allowed her to use the Flickr account to have an online storage space for her photography.

Did you and the woman ever date or have a romantic relationship?

Yes, at one point, we were involved romantically. However, we made a mutual agreement that it was best we remain only friends. Our friendship is going on its sixth year and we consider each other best friends.

At this point, the woman has yet to speak out. One has to wonder what her take on all this is-- is she embarrassed into silence or being asked by the candidate not to comment, for fear of keeping the story going? Or is she secretly furious about the photo ending up on his Flickr account? His account, by the way, can be seen here.

Via AZ Central.

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While You Were Sleeping: Nudist Hotel

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:19:00 GMT

A new series on Hollywood film directors appears tonight and it looks pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing.

Donald Trump says a decision on Miss California will come today-- as The Dirty prepares to followup with a second topless photo.

The X-Men movies are being spun off into a new series of stories starring, ugh, Ryan Reynolds.

Ladies, where were you? Nate Silver went to a party and had to stand there... all alone.

A forty-five-year-old woman may become the oldest person to have a boxing championship title.

Germany is planning its first nudist hotel.

Feministing discussed the attacks on Carrie Prejean and whether they are justified or just mean ol' "slut shaming."

Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with misdemeanor assault for head-butting a designer who decked Brooke Shields.

And Katy Perry once got (fake) married in Vegas.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

Hot or Not: Playboy's 10 Sexiest CEO's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:28:00 GMT

We're not sure how Playboy's (sadly) Safe For Work list of the ten "sexiest" female CEO's in the US qualifies as "sexiest" or even "sexy." Maybe it's the fact that these women probably make lots of money that appeals to the writer.

Even if you think these are ten incredibly hot babes, it's hard to see what's so appealing about seeing them on the Playboy site in their ~~birthday~~ business suits.

For example, check out the standouts:

Who she is: Julie Smolyansky [see above photo]
CEO of: Lifeway Foods; makers of kefir and other specialty dairy products
Age: 33
2008 revenue: $38.7 million
Year founded: 1986
Website: lifeway.net

Why she’s on top: Julie became CEO, treasurer and president when her father, the founder, died of a sudden heart attack. She went back to work the next morning, and under her direction the company more than quadrupled its stock price. A fitness junkie, she ends every day with a trip to the gym. It's obvious to us that all her investments are yielding impressive returns.

What, no lingerie photos or mock-Got Milk? shots from her session? And no punning remarks?

This one has the lingerie connection and a porn star's last name, but... no luck:

Who she is: Claire Chambers
CEO of: Journelle, a lingerie retail company
Age: 29
2008 revenue: $2 million
Year founded: 2007
Website: journelle.com

Why she's on top: After spending a few years in the buttoned-up worlds of management consulting and investment banking, she slipped into something a little more comfortable: lingerie. Now she spends her days letting women everywhere know that sexy and sophisticated underthings aren't just for special occasions, they're the kind of luxury they should indulge in every day. We couldn’t agree more.

This one's more like it... but... still lacking in the NSFW department:

Who she is: Kerry Knee
CEO of: Flirty Girl Fitness, a fitness lifestyle company
Age: 38
Number of employees: 120
Year founded: 2005
Website: flirtygirlfitness.com

Why she's on top: A former IT exec and calculus major from Toronto, Kerry—and her sister Krista—opened Flirty Girl Fitness as a social club where women can sweat hard in classes like Hottie Body Boxing and XXX Power Strip, then play hard at the "Flirty Girl Bar" afterward. We're burning calories just thinking about it.

See all 10 of the women at Playboy.com.

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Most Bizarre Stakeout Ever Ends in Penis Severing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:02:00 GMT

You would think the most bizarre thing about a woman biting off her boss's penis would be the part where the woman bites off her boss's penis.

You obviously haven't been reading Nerve for very long...

An unidentified 30-year-old female in Singapore will probably never give oral again-- and her boss never receive it-- after this disturbing incident. While the married lady was going down on her superior in a park car, a van crashed into them, similar to that scene in The World According to Garp where the cheating wife is blowing her young student and Robin Williams pulls into the driveway and... ow.

The most bizarre part of the story is that the lovers were found by the private detective that was spying on them on behalf of the woman's husband.

The woman ran from the scene screaming, her mouth covered in blood, but ultimately accompanied her man (no, the other one) to the hospital, where he was treated but probably not fully repaired.

Via Metro.

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We Missed Out on National Penis Day 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Damn it, tipsters, you're supposed to keep an eye out for all the bizarre news coming out of Japan. It's no easy task, we'll admit, since the rate of crazy news to "Beavers Build Dam in Creek"-type boring news is probably 50,000-to-1. But those of you pervs who scour the pages of various websites looking for words like "peen" and "wangs" to amuse yourselves should have caught this one...

Culled from various reports:

National Penis Day. Also called Hounen Matsuri.

When I asked a Japanese friend of mine why we don't deserve one here in the United States, he told me, in America, they call them Politicians instead of a Penis. It figures.

Every year a new wooden phallus is carved from a cypress tree that has been purified. The newly carved phallus will then be the main focus of the procession that at its end will be placed into a shrine.

Thought to be benefical by by many Japanese and obscene by many Westerners, Hounen Matsuri is held on March 15th every year in the small town of Komaki, which is just outside of Nagoya.

This Hounen festival and ceremony, which has been going on for around 1500 years, celebrate the blessings of a bountiful harvest and all manner of prosperity and fertility and the all are welcome.

Here's a link to some of the more bizarre photos... or check out our favorites below:

On top of that, we also missed the more-recent National Penis Day in New Zealand, which is much less "National" and more like "radio station gimmick." It turns out a DJ tried to raise awareness/money for charity by having naked people strip in public and form phallic symbols.

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Victoria's Secret Suit

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:18:00 GMT

Hey ladies-- and gents who like that sort of thing-- do your Victoria's Secret bras bother the living hell out of you?

You're not alone, as we found out from this story out of Cleveland, Ohio...

It turns out there's a big class action lawsuit in the works, with up to 2,000 pairs of boobs claiming damages, brought about by a guy who makes the ambulance-chasing John Travolta character from A Civil Action look like John Paul the Second. (He's quoted as saying about the tit-tarnishing: "All of the women's breasts looked alike," said attorney John Climaco of Cleveland. "It brought tears to your eyes. They're scarred.") What brought tears to this po' countray boy's eyes is described as a rash in the cleavage that irritates the bejesus outta the ladies.

The lawsuit accuses the retailer and its Columbus-based parent company, Limited Brands Inc., of misrepresenting the safety of their products, failing to warn customers of problems and concealing knowledge of defective merchandise.

The women seek in excess of $5 million combined, plus compensation for medical expenses, pain and mental anguish.

At first, [plaintiffs] Ritter and Climaco attributed her afflictions to formaldehyde, a chemical used in clothing manufacturing to help retain shapes. But that strategy fell through after independent tests failed to find formaldehyde in Victoria's Secret bras and concluded that Ritter was not allergic to the chemical.

Whoops. If you have the same symptoms, you might want to start your own case-- we're better this is going to get tossed in no time.

Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

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Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:50:00 GMT

First, there were breastaurants. Now, New Zealand has started a new trend-- dudes dressed like Chippendales dancers waiting on you, hand and foot, in a dining establishment...

They even have a company name that's too absurd to be true, so, of course, it is: Strip of Meat. Man meat, of course. The two gents pictured above are in charge of the waiter-for-hire operation, which is sort of like when Park Avenue socialites called up a Rent-A-Beatnik service in Greenwich Village in 1958 and amused themselves by listening to bad, "deep" poetry. Except with more pecs.

"I wasn't even wearing an apron, just a pair of underpants and a bow tie.

"It was a bit raunchy and made me realise there is a market out there."

The topless waiters were definitely not strippers and would normally be dressed in black trousers with an obligatory bow tie, he said.

Strip of Meat had already done a few hen's nights in Wellington but were also available for baby showers, dinner parties and even corporate functions.

Sign up now, ladies and (gay) gents, as the national news media has already ensured they'll be booked for the next 26 years, until they're all flabby from garbage-mouthing foie gras in your kitchen.

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Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Kelis is divorcing Nas, even though she's seven month's pregnant with his baby.

If you're (still) a Tori Amos fan, get her new single via free download.

Ladies, you should (apparently) be washing your bras more than every-other-month, okay?

The world's oldest Benedictine month finally got bored of this world at the age of 108.

Milla Jovovich's nude past has been unearthed. Again.

A male lawyer who let his female client work off her debt to him via sex has been disbarred.

How nice it must be to be the son of two celebrities: Redmond O'Neil will not have to go to jail for heroin possession, DUIs, and other charges.
There's a two-year-old girl in Mensa, thanks to her 156 IQ.

And Gavin Newsom's wife's porno (we wish it was really a porno instead of a B-movie with some chaste sex scenes) is back in the news again thanks to the SF Mayor's Gubernatorial run.

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BBC's Topless Ambition

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Kirsten O'Brien just did a documentary called Kirsten's Topless Ambition for BBC3, which is all about her boobs. More specifically, the documentary discusses the question that has been bugging women in the entertainment industry for years: should I take my boobs out for a wank mag like FHM or keep getting stuck in this Grade-Z TV rut?

O'Brien had been working as the host of a kids show for over 10 years when she took a look around her and realized that all of her female friends in the business were making it big and she was being left behind. As O'Brien told the British press:

"Over the years, it's something I've watched women do, and it's fascinated me.

"Now I'm at a career crossroads and that's the usual point in which women do a shoot, when they say 'I want to get out of kids telly, what do I do? I know, I'll get me swimsuit on and get me la las out'," she says, laughing raucously.

Instead of taking her, uh, "la las out," O'Brien had herself tailed by a camera crew and debacles like this one were captured for posterity:

She dances for the nightclub owner in an attempt to prove she can stop laughing long enough to look good on the podium.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well.

"That was quite interesting! I embraced the challenge of it, there's no point forming an opinion on something unless you've explored it a little bit," she explains.

"The girls I met were lovely too, really friendly and helpful. That's not to say I could do anything by the end of it!

"What's not explained in the documentary is when you see me run upstairs to do my dance for Peter Stringfellow, I've got the most ridiculous tutu on. I was trying to figure out what to wear, and someone said 'Peter's here and he can't wait' so I had to run upstairs, wearing the tutu, but still with with my jogging bottoms on underneath.

"I did want to try properly, I didn't want to mess about, so when Peter started laughing at me I was upset," she continues.

"There was one point when I shouted at him, 'Peter, man, you're not taking this seriously' but he carried on laughing. So much so that I decided to stop.

"I did genuinely try, although it might not look like I did!" [Chester Chronicle]

Sounds like going naked isn't for everyone. Then again, we need some girls-next-door that aren't taking their clothes off to develop crushes on. We can't have all the girls be half-naked because that would take the fun out of wishing they would all get naked.

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Even Shoe Companies Want in On the Nude Ad Bandwagon

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The Oregonian, rapidly becoming the preeminent source of nudity news in the Pacific Northwest, alerted us to a new Nike campaign that involves butt-naked runners.

Butt naked, of course, except for their Nike Free running shoes, which are, of course, very far from "free..."

Apparently, everyone is on nikerunning.com watching the video, so we don't have it for you, but it goes something like this: a bunch of people run around naked (except for the stupid product they're supposed to be promoting, of course) at Bear Butte Training Camp. Now, where's my drum hit?

Some are very fit extras; the rest, Nike-sponsored athletes who train in Oregon. [Ed. note: Although the ad was filmed in California, where runners say the heat made stripping off their workout clothes no big deal at all.]

Holding a strategically placed guitar, U.S. 5,000-meter champion Lauren Fleshman discusses the Bear lifestyle. Nick Symmonds, a national 800-meter champion, bends to lace his shoes and gushes, "If you want to be a super-natural runner, you've got to train like one."

So, in other words, Nike is encouraging people to streak in order to become sort of demon dasher, a "super-natural runner?" Well, that we would love to hear about from the Oregonian.

Nike

The Oregonian

And here's a video from The Remore Island of a pole vaulter who lost his Nike sponsorship and took to the streets naked... with only his pole.

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Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:43:00 GMT

If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you.

And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are...

Theirs is a Top 5 list, beginning with the only entry for an ocean beach in the continental United States: unfortunately, it's in Miami...

1. Haulover Beach, Miami. Apparently, this is the only nude beach in Flordia and arguably one of the country's finest of any kind. Pro: Lots of good looking people. Con: It's in Miami, for God's sake. Not only that, it's a mob scene virtually from the crack of dawn to after the cops toss everyone off the beach.

2. Hippie Hollow, Austin. We were surprised to learn there was a nude beach in Austin and even more surprised to learn that Texas police haven't raided it with rubber bullets yet. Pro: "Over a hundred swimming holes, a gay-adored beach, and impressive climbing crags beckon from the star of Texas." Con: "The gay section is about 15 minutes walk to the left from the parking lot." Then again, that kind of distance between you and the rest of the local bathers could be a "pro."

3. Hanlan’s Point, Toronto. We don't often think "nude beach" and "Canada" go together, but this entry convinces us. Pro: The fifteen-minute ferry to the beach has an amazing view of the city and, at 6.50CA, is the only thing you'll have to spend money on to get to the sand. Also, water quality is monitored constantly and is usually excellent. Con: You have to wait for it to get hot enough. In Canada.

4. Little Beach, Makena, Maui, Hawaii. Up a trail in the hills of Maui, this island hideaway has one major catch: it's illegal to go naked anywhere in public in Hawaii. Pro: Bragging rights about going naked in Maui-- is there anything that can make your Facebook friends more jealous than to read that status update? Con: Having your hands cuffed behind your back when you're naked-- and not getting any S&M out of it.

5. Wreck Beach, Vancouver. Man, who knew there were so many opportunities to take your clothes off in Canadia Land? Pro: "Naked vendors ply the beach offering water, beer, sandwiches, and a surprising array of narcotics. Ask any student how to get to the access paths that lead down to the water." Better yet, ask a student while you're naked doing a snort of coke off your boyfriend's umbrella tip. Con: Absolutely nothing that we can think of...

By the way, if you're over in the UK, you should know that the country's oldest nude beach will close after this summer, thanks to coastal erosion (i.e. global warming.)

Via OutTraveler.

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"You Traitor Pig!"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:34:00 GMT

Yesterday, we showed you why it's important to avoid Facebook when you're pretending to need a sick day from work.

Today, we'll show an even more dangerous trap users can fall in to-- especially if those users are planning on having a wild bachelor party...

A guy, known in the media as Antonio M., was tagged in a photo on the social networking site-- the photo, it so happens, featured what appears to be a naked stripper behind him. (In the first place, nudity isn't allowed on the website-- so why did he even bother?) Instead of yelling at him for hanging out with naked women, his fiancee flipped the fuck out: she and a friend printed hundreds of posters (see above) and tacked them up around their Italian town, particularly near his office, the homes of their mutual friends, and other places of interest during their relationship. She called him a "traitor pig" for cavorting with this young woman, although there really isn't any evidence he did anything but have a stripper at his bachelor party (or attend a strip club or something similar.)

It doesn't matter-- 28-year-old Valerie A. signed the letter "your former betrothed bride and the 548 guests of our wedding."

Via Metro.

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The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

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How to Write A Great Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

Suite101 is one of those websites that gets everyone to write for them for free and then tries to pay them for their large traffic contributions with royalties for miniscule ad sales. Fortunately, though, many of the writers rise above their position on the internet ladder and churn out excellent pieces.

One recent addition to the lineup is "How to Write A Sex Scene," and it's quite interesting...

Writer Nina Munteanu hits five keys points in her article and, curiously enough, they would all work as tips for having a better sex life:

Tie Scene to Emotion

Describe Indirectly

Savor the Lead In

Less Is More

Use Sensual Language

Be more emotionally invested in the sex itself, don't be so obvious about what you want so that it's more playful, savor the foreplay, don't over do it, and talk dirty if it sounds like it'll work. Yep, that pretty much covers it.

Read the full text of her points at Suite101. [We're having embedding problems, so make sure you right click and ask to open in a new tab/window.]

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

All week, Real Housewives of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi has been at war with offensive website/blog The Dirty over photos the webmaster has been plastering his pages with. The questionable pics include two of Rossi on the toilet and another of her flashing an unnamed photographer, who happened to be operating a motor vehicle at that moment.

Rossi decided free speech has its limits and called in the sheriff...

Here's what The Dirty posted a few hours after that last photo went up:

**Update: Gretchen Rossi has called the Costa Mexico Police Department on me. The best part is that she lied to the Costa Mexico PD stating that someone stole her camera (again). Gretchen, Tune In Tokyo- it’s not your camera.- nik

Of course, it wasn't just the photos that pissed Rossi off to the point of police intervention. It may have had something to do with this:

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, it seems like Gretchen Rossi has a history of ripping off “older men”. Apparently, she has been named in a law suit where she took advantage of an “older man” in a real-estate transaction, that happened 3-4 years ago. Is this true? Sounds like the same thing that her ex’s family is saying as well, “she is a complete fake and preys on the older guys…..” The story continues with her, the truth will come out!

Can someone email me Michelle’s phone number, Jeff’s ex-wife. I need answers, the DIRTY ARMY needs the truth.- nik

She's probably upset, the Dirty suggests, because the topless photo was taken by one of her many rumored lovers... although, of course, the website offers no conclusive proof.

Via TMZ.

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Russians Like Big Butts, You Can't Deny

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:53:00 GMT

Russians always gotta be different. Sometimes they even take things that Americans love, like binge drinking, and escalate them to absurd levels of worship.

Case in point-- the new sexting craze that is taking Russkies by storm doesn't involve pornographic images (necessarily.) They have, however, taken their love of gigantic backsides to a whole new level of devotion...

After one girl, under the handle VILena, posted the below photo on one of the country's premiere social networking sites, a major cultural trend was born overnight:

This is the photo, which came our way in this censored form, that sparked the following mania:

Wait, what the fuck?

We promise to continue to ~~get to the bottom~~ stay on top of this, now known as Vilena, and other emerging sexual trends.

The call it “to make Vilena-style photo” - Vilena that’s the name of the first girl. By the way, this name has a Soviet origin. After the Communists took over in 1917 and their leader Lenin was a national hero many Russian young parents called their boys and girls after him using his initials and second name. Lenin’s full name was “Vladimir Iliich Lenin” - so new boyish name appeared “VILen” and girlish one two: “VILena”. There were also such names like “Vladlen” or “Vladlena” after “Vladimir Lenin”. [English Russia]

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:14:00 GMT

This video is too sexy and scandalous (even with all the MTV censorship) for the front page of Scanner.

You'll have to trust us when we say it's well worth the click and 3:38 of your time...

Lessons Learned

We'll be eternally grateful to the person who gives us the full lowdown on all the obvious questions of the video-- who shot it, when, were these paid extras, was anyone arrested, etc. See, we told you it was worth your 3:38, damn it.

Sure beats the bejesus outta that Alanis Morissette charmer from 1998, doesn't it?

More from MTV Buzzworthy.

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While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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Nintendo DS Boob Cover So Cute, We Want To Cover Everything With Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:48:00 GMT

We don't really understand the need to spend four hours a day playing video games, as many people who own video games do. But then to take a portable gaming device on the subway to play it all the way to 86th St.? That's just excessive.

Playing video games by oneself has always seemed kind of pathetic-- what, real life sports or conversation isn't stimulating enough that you want to play a fighting game alone?-- but now the Nintendo DS has gotten a whole lot sexier, thanks to one unidentified artiste.

The following boob-related cover for the DS makes the gaming device almost sexy and appealing... we said "almost."

Unfortunately, it's not for sale.

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