Scanner : sexy

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

Face it, there are some people who are sexier than you will ever be. It is possible that this sexiness only exists in their own minds, but you know what? We'd rather occupy brain space thinking about how sexy we are than about how we're 20 pounds overweight and unattractive to the opposite sex. Luckily, the Sexy People blog (which we haven't visited in quite some time) brings all of those, well, sexy people together in one place for us to laugh at look at. We've included a few of our favorites (and even our own very sexy snapshot) after the jump.

Related:

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Scanner Survey: How Often Do You Have Sexy Time?

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:31:00 GMT

There was a time when Mel Gibson was a sexy man. That time was long ago. In fact, it was probably around 1980 when he married his wife Robyn. While all (perceived) sex appeal went out the door for us when he went all crazy Christian warrior a few years ago, Robyn was able to hold out a little longer. But she, too, has her limits.

After 28 years of marriage, Robyn GIbson filed a petition for divorce in Los Angeles citing irreconcilable differences. The petition doesn't give any details about the break-up and according to Yahoo!, Mrs. Gibson is only seeking jewelry, other property and joint custody of their 9-year-old-son.

Apparently, not even the Passion of Mel Gibson is enough to keep a marriage alive. But whatever, Mel is born. Mel is risen. Mel will come again.

Related:

Bearded No-No of the Week: Mel Gibson's Chin Pubes

Take a Costa Rican Holiday with Britney and Mel Gibson

Sloppy Seconds: What Are Britney Spears and Mel Gibson Doing with a Cigar?

[Image]

Pin-Ups for Sneakerheads

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:27:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Every straight male sneakerhead's fantasy has just come true.

Click below for more photos from Playboy's "Hot Chicks, Cool Kicks" feature:

Read more...

PapSmeared: Justin Timberlake Sees You

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:59:00 GMT

Related: Zac Efron's Sexual Awakening

[Image]

Is Dora The Explorer's Weight a Thing?

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Earlier this month, our minds were semi-blown when the newly slimmed down Miss Piggy appeared as a guest on The View, and now it seems even Dora the Explorer is bringing skinny back to Saturday morning cartoons.

Here's a look at the new, sexier Dora...

Read more...

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

This would be surprising considering the fact that all (most?) of her babies were conceived via in vitro fertilization, but Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman might have a very sexy future awaiting her.

Suleman has been offered one million dollars from Vivid Entertainment to star in a porno. If you're not familiar with Vivid, the company apparently has worked with Pam Anderson, Kim Kardashian and former Miss USA Kelli McCarty.

So now we must ask: Crazy Baby Lady in a porno, hot or not?

[Via The Frisky]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Crazy Husband Lady Left Lonely

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Spider-Man Wants To Get Into Your Pants

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:12:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Literally, I mean:

If You're Doing Anything For the Next Ten Minutes...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

...get lost in this extraordinarily adorable, funny, sexy, and entirely delicious stop-motion film starring muffins, limes, squash, and other edibles.

The internet doesn't get any better than this, folks. More of this lady's animated mastery is on exhibit here.

This Week in Hot for Teacher News: Another Sexy Teacher Gets Sexy With a Student

Colleen Kane — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Oh, sexed-up teachers. When will you learn? The latest inappropriately hot teacher to (allegedly) get inappropriate with a student is Hope Jacoby, who is an athletic trainer at Tustin High School in California.

Hope is facing charges of sexual behavior with a 14-year-old student including oral copulation. And how was this found out? Alleged inappropriate cell phone photos.

Now that these scandals are so popular, how about some lessons for ye olde Lesson Planne:

1. If you're a teacher, don't have sex with students.

2. If you're a teacher having sex with students, definitely do not take photos or video of said activities.

3. Even if you don't look as good as Hopey, you can always do much better than a 14-year-old boy.

4. She was orally copulating him? Who's in charge here? You, the teacher, must take control.

Ignore these lessons, and FAIL.

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

See why after the jump.

As Emily noted in yesterday's Sloppy Seconds, some idiots over in the UK (rapidly become the near-police state we have across the pond) think it's wise to give blogs ratings. If so, we'll circulate a petition saying every blog will agree to rate themselves XXX, rendering the internet entirely useless for most people until a law is passed abolishing the ratings.

We've always hated the concept of blog, movie, or even video game ratings (for one thing, way to give away what we're going to see-- "Rated R for strong graphic violence and sexual content" and there hasn't been any of that in the first forty minutes? Well, we know how this is all going to wrap up, see?) However, we were unable to resist One Plus You's attempt to rank blogs in advance.

Here's how Scanner stacked up:

So, wouldn't a religious (wacko's) site railing against pornography, abortion, and women actually enjoying sex be NC-17 as well? Gotta love indiscriminate censorship...

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:46:00 GMT

A Swedish court handed down a decision last week acknowledging that The Madonna of Orgasm Church (the other Madonna) had a right to registration as a faith organization, which, according to news reports, is some sort of slap in the face to Christians...

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

What, because of the word Madonna? Man, those freaks need to get over themselves.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Bebeacua says his church has a few hundred followers, but we beg to differ: it's more like hundreds of millions, all of whom would probably welcome climaxing via landscape, if only we could figure out how the hell that's going to happen...

Via the Local.

Related:

Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Christian Nymphos: Giving It Up in the Name of Jesus

Sloppy Seconds: Giving Vibrators To Teenage Girls

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:05:00 GMT

You get a bonus 6th video this week, thanks to our being unable to decide between the two best scenes in a certain David Lynch movie...

5. Gia. Angelina Jolie rocketed to (semi-)stardom following her Golden Globe win for this hugely successful TV movie. There are many, many sex scenes in this film (could that be the reason it wasn't released theatrically?)-- we picked this one at random, but they're all worth checking out in their own ways.

4. Wild Things. This is more like an entry for "Top 5 Orgy Sex Scenes" or something, but there is some nice girl-on-girl, even if Matt Dillon does get in the way.

3. Better Than Chocolate. We almost included the jailbait-y Thirteen in this list, but nah. This is softcore porn for lesbians, sort of the cinematic L Word. We think that'll give you some idea of what's to come in this 4-minute clip, with the sexy stuff starting about a minute in...

2 (tie). Mulholland Drive. Still arguably the best movie so far this century, this scary-as-fuck freakshow grips you from the first frame to the widely-discussed last. Part of the reason is unquestionably these two sex scenes, one of which is our second favorite of all time. (We think you can guess which.)

1. Bound. Yeah, yeah. You saw this pick coming as soon as you saw the word "Lesbian" in our headline. Good for you. Now, settle down... we're trying to enjoy this...

Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly Lesbian Scene - Click here for more amazing videos

Runners Up: High Art, Thirteen, Monster, Showgirls and the Hunger (which we covered in our Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s list), plus whatever you nominate in the comments section. Hell, we will probably end up doing a Part Two somewhere down the road...

Related:

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Some of the Hottest Women in the Country All Got Naked Together

Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn"

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Lizzy Caplan, Not To Be Outdone By Anna Paquin, Takes It Off For True Blood

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:03:00 GMT

We mean costumes celebrities wear, because obviously a straight couple dressed as Sam and Lindsay is too obvious.

And by celebrity costumes we mean "besides the costumes they wear to premieres and when getting out of cabs without underwear." The Halloween kind of costumes...

Liv Tyler and her gang... but seriously, who wants to see these pictures...

...let's make this a Top 5 Sexiest Celebrities In Halloween Outfits list instead...

5. Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin

Okay, we're half-joking about this selection...

4. Lauren Conrad "put on a pretty little sailor suit and cap," although she won't get that reference.

3. Someone needs to tell Heidi Klum there won't be a Catwoman sequel for her to star in...

2. Christina Aguilera and Some Dude play doctor

1. Lindsay Lohan tied with... Lindsay Lohan

Remember: it's the costume, not the celebrity, that makes these hot. By that same page, who can tell when Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are wearing costumes?

If anyone can send us links to at least five decent sexy male celebrities (we couldn't really find any in Halloween costumes, although some decent sex tapes did pop up), we'll do a Part Two.

Pics via Cityrags, the World of Isaac, and other sources

Related:

Hot or Not? Heidi Klum's Got Milk Ad

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Bill Murray Becomes His Character From Rushmore

The Confessions of St. Colbert

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:43:00 GMT

A Baltimore cult starved a 19 month old to death for not saying "amen" before eating dinner. His mother, who was a member of 1 Mind Ministries, has been charged with first-degree murder, which suddenly seems insufficient for prosecuting criminals of this magnitude.

Jason Statham was physically removed from the Playboy Mansion, but it's not for stealing Hugh's stable of blonds...

The members of Velvet Revolver may have chosen their new frontman...

...we hope the rumors of Lenny Kravitz being spotted in a recording studio with the band turn out to be totally untrue.

Is this condom ad too bizarre to be sexy or what?

Let's hope Scarlett Johansson doesn't try another cover album.

This woman lost part of her lawsuit settlement because she'd had some amount of alcohol, any amount of alcohol, at the time she was sexually assaulted.

And not to make light of the above, but we conclude with Carmen Electra's stripping tips, some of which include:

"There's a little trick that I've learned from a few dancers, if you wear thigh-high boots, then you don't hurt your legs as much if you're doing pole work. If you do it, you've got to let go and just feel it. It's okay to sort of learn the steps and know what you're going to do with your movement, but once you get there you just have to let it all go. Don't fake it," she said...

Related:

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The Best Review of the Worst Movie Ever

Scarlett Johansson's Music Video, Scanner Nicole Responds

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

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Top 10 Songs To Strip To, As Voted By Guys

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:36:00 GMT

It's missing "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Randy Newman and "Pasties and a G-String" by Tom Waits, but otherwise, we can generally agree with this I-Village list...

"Pony" by Ginuwine

"Eyes Without a Face" by Billy Idol

"I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears

"Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls

"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

"She's Always In My Hair" by D'Angelo

"Sex (I'm a)" by Lovage

"Hot In Herre" by Nelly

"Justify My Love" by Madonna

"Cream" by Prince

What do you think: Would you pick a different Madonna song or a different Prince song? What's the song you strip to... or you wish someone would strip to for you?

Via I-Village.

Top 5 Sexiest Daily Show Moments

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:48:00 GMT

Don't miss Ed Helms teabagging Tom Cruise! Or the moment Kristen Schaal realizes she'll have to remove all of her clothing. Or... well, we don't want to ruin #1 for you...

We're really surprised Comedy Central bucked the censors and allowed correspondent Ed Helms to attach a nut-cam to himself. (Yes, we're kidding. Not about the nut-cam, though. Check that out.)

Is it wrong to drool over a piece on sexism?

Well, if nothing else, Stephen Colbert can write for the Penthouse Letters column after Fox buys Comedy Central. This is one of our favorite Daily Show clips of all time-- watch as both Colbert and Jon Stewart lose their shit toward the end...

Gay hockey players, boob flashes, grab ass... this one's got it all.

And now... your Moment of Zen.

Well, there you have it: our five favorite sexy moments from The Daily Show. Check out the full list of 25 on the Comedy Central blog, which includes some shots of Jon Stewart that make him look ten years younger.

Oh shit, has he been on that long already?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart?

Video of the Day: Rush Plays Rush... In Rock Band

Funniest, Most Cringe-Worthy Video of the Day

Jon Stewart As Guest Blogger (In A Roundabout Way)

320 Bikini Girls Attempt To Break Pointless World Record

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:53:00 GMT

320 women showed up on a single British beach in attempt to a break Guinness World Record for the Most Bikini-Clad Women Photographed At The Same Time (or something similar.) Although they failed in their attempt, they did do one thing right...

The fundraising event, organised by the Middlesbrough Erimus Rotary Club, failed to beat the current Guinness World Record, set in September last year on Bondi Beach, in Sydney, Australia, when 1,010 women posed together in their bikinis.

However, it is still expected that the record attempt will have raised thousands of pounds for the Great North Air Ambulance Service, through £5 entry fees and sponsorship.

And, although a far cry from the sunny climes of Sydney, the sun did put in an appearance in Redcar today as thousands of people lined the beach to watch the women, aged from 16 to 81, taking part in the challenge.

"We had one lady of 81, we had one lady who came from Surrey purely to do this, lots of ladies from all over the north east, all shapes and sizes. Exactly what we wanted."

That's what we like: all kinds. Here's another shot from the beach:

Via the London Paper.

Is it me, or is Brad Pitt not as hot as he used to be?

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:39:00 GMT

And it's definitely not the dad thing; we get boners for men with strollers. Is it the goofy hat? The shaved head? Maybe it's the fact that he's on the American Idol stage (even if it is for charity)? It could just be that we strongly believe most men look better with facial hair.

Blood is nice, too. We prefer to remember Brad like this.

If you do think he looks sexy in that silly hat, you can catch him like that on Idol Gives Back, tonight at 7:30 on Fox.

[Idol Gives Back]

[Top image via popsugar.com]

John Conyers: On Our To Do List

Katie Halper — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

John Conyers is one sexy beast of a congressman. This civil rights activist is a rainbow lover and shows much love for Americans, Albanians and the people of Darfur. Conyers speaks the universal language of love and his website whispers sweet ~~nothings~~ significant things in English, Arabic and Spanish. The Congressman is a giver-- not a taker, who would love to spoil you, the American people, rotten. He wants to lavish you in health care coverage. And he's going to give you tips on avoiding uncomfortable premature housing ejaculation. This "congressman with benefits" is all about getting you benefits. His long, righteous voting record shows how much he loves women and jazz, a killer combo.

The Congressman knows how to spice things up, play rough, and give tit for tat. Watch a coy Conyers humiliate a bodacious blond after the jump.

The congressman has so much love, it's no surprise that he was the one who introduced the bill to make MLK Day a federal holiday. When Conyers criticized McCain for waiting 25 years to apologize for opposing MLK Day, an MSNBC anchor said, "silly, old, angry, black congressman. Don't you know that McCaine apologized for opposing MLK day! Or are you too old to hear or see that?" (I paraphrase)

The insatiable Conyers responded by tearing McCain a new one and teasing the anchor, all the while maintaining his composure and debonair, dapper, glasses-in-mouth demeanor:

Well look. I’m happy. That was in 1983, he didn’t make any apology, he didn’t make any apologies in 1987, so I guess I’m thrilled and forgiving that finally when he’s running for President he remembers to apologize. No, that’s great.

Congressman Conyers gave it hard and rough to McCain. So we have no choice but to give Conyers the props he deserves by putting him on our "To Do" List.

Mac Users Sexier than PC Users

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:27:00 GMT

And we're not just talking about how much hotter Mac users are.

According to adult toy seller Lovehoney's web stats, Mac users spend more time on their site than PC users. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that Mac users are more comfortable with their sexuality? Either way (as if we needed another reason) we feel even more validated for spending so much on our sleek MacBook. And yes, we know there are plenty of good looking people who use PC's—we just don't happen to know any of them as we live in the land of MacBooks and skinny jeans.

[Macbook: Mac owners officially sexier than Windows]

Today in Sex: Headaches

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:50:00 GMT

No longer can housewives across the country use "honey, I have a headache" as an excuse for not having sex. Thanks to today's Today show, everyone now knows that orgasms make your headache go away. Unfortunately, for those stuck with jarring, chafing non-orgasmic sex, it just makes it worse. But at least you'll still burn some calories.

[Today: Video: Sex and its health benefits]

Harvard Kids Think Science is Sexy.. And So Can You

Emily Farris — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Oh, those Harvard kids. While college students across the country were getting drunk with old high school friends in their hometowns, the Ivy Leaguers founded an organization to give the public image of science a makeover. The Zing, as the group is called, wants to spread the message that "science is sexy," and they plan to launch with a February 14 "LoveFest," detailing the science of attraction. We see lots of "E" in their future.

[The Harvard Crimson: Students Look To Bring 'Sexy' Back to Science]