Scanner : sex toys

Babeland Offers Tax Relief in the Form of Free Vibrators

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:29:00 GMT

When we were impressionable youths, our curfew wasn't so much a time we needed to be home as a time we needed to call and negotiate the rest of our evening. Would we be sleeping on the couch of that 20-something guy who always hosted high school parties or crashing with a girlfriend? Did Mom need to come pick us up from the Quick Trip parking lot? Or would we be home in 20—no, make that 30—minutes?

Perhaps this lax upbringing is what caused us to be so bad at turning anything in on time and what made us, well, bad Americans. For April 15 is not the day on which we file our taxes—no, it is the day that we file an extension (or have our accountant do it for us). Yes, yes, we know that all we're really doing is putting off the inevitable: paying taxes on the money paid to us for those stories we turned in so very late. Also, it turns out that this year we're missing out on free vibrators.

Tomorrow—yes, tomorrow is Tax Day, slacker!—Babeland is giving out free Gold Digger vibrators (pictured above) to the first 100 people to go into any of the three locations and tell the sales associates you've filed a tax return (we assume they're going on the honor system) and they're giving out the same gift for the first 100 web orders of the day.

But we haven't missed out completely with our tax FAIL. Babeland is picking up the sales tax on all purchases made in the stores or online tomorrow. So at least we can take that hard-earned money we should be using to pay our taxes and buy some tax-free sex toys. Score!

Babeland Online

Three locations in NYC:
Babeland SoHo, 43 Mercer Street
Babeland LES, 94 Rivington Street
Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen Street

In Seattle:
Babeland Seattle, 707 E. Pike Street

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Sloppy Seconds: When DIY Sex Toys Do You Wrong

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Women, would you cry at work? And do you think it would be good or bad for your career? Five women weigh in. [MarieClaire]

Men: if you want to live long enough to have sex in your old age, don't get fat. And no, it's not because women will find you less attractive. [CreativeLoafing]

Here's the trailer for "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." [SeriousEats]

We are all about high-powered sex toys, but attaching one to a saber saw (similar to a jig saw)? That just makes our vagina cringe in ways we never knew possible. Note to everyone: saws will saw through sex toys! Ouch! [BoingBoing]

Bruce Willis married his girlfriend Emma Heming in a private ceremony. [Yahoo!]

Matt Lauer was absent from the "Today" show this morning after an ill-fated run-in with a deer. Apparently, the NBC personality was riding his bike over the weekend when a deer jumped into his path, causing him to flip over the handlebars. [NYDN]

[Image]

Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?"

The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on.

In 1992, Steve Charlton was a 23-year-old recent college grad, trying to make his way in the field of biology. One night, he and some friends decided to buy a birthday girl a giant dildo as a present.

His original plan was to drive the dildo to Chicago after the girl left it behind. However, when he realized his parents (who lived there) might see it, he hid it in his car and forgot about. One night, many moons later, he was having his car serviced and, after leaving it at the mechanics, realized what the dudes in the garage were going to find.

Charlton decided to get cash from an ATM and pay under an alias in order to hide shame from his family. Somehow, this also lead to him buying five lotto tickets from the place hosting the ATM, due to some sort of guilt over not making any purchases there.

And the rest is history.

But where is the famed dildo today:

He ended up using his biology degree after all: For five years he's worked in soil and groundwater sampling for an environmental services company.

How he won the lottery doesn't come up too much any more. When it does, Charlton said it's a story best told over beers.

As for the, um, adult toy?

Charlton has it. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it's in a plastic tote in his basement. [Des Moines Register]

Basically, that dildo is worth $2 million, cash. If Charlton isn't using it, we'd like to try it out for good luck.

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

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[Image]

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

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Equation: Naughty Knickers

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:54:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST

Read more...

The Pink Dolphin Sounds a Lot Dirtier Than it Really Is

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:33:00 GMT

The pink dolphin is popping up again.

Do not adjust your, um, monitor? From The Telegraph:

The world's only pink Bottlenose dolphin which was discovered in an inland lake in Louisiana, USA, has become such an attraction that conservationists have warned tourists to leave it alone.

Charter boat captain Erik Rue, 42, photographed the animal, which is actually an albino, when he began studying it after the mammal first surfaced in Lake Calcasieu, an inland saltwater estuary, north of the Gulf of Mexico in southwestern USA.

Capt Rue originally saw the dolphin, which also has reddish eyes, swimming with a pod of four other dolphins, with one appearing to be its mother which never left its side.

He said: "I just happened to see a little pod of dolphins, and I noticed one that was a little lighter.

"It was absolutely stunningly pink.

"I had never seen anything like it. It's the same color throughout the whole body and it looks like it just came out of a paint booth.

"The dolphin appears to be healthy and normal other than its coloration, which is quite beautiful and stunningly pink.

"The mammal is entirely pink from tip to tail and has reddish eyes indicating its albinism. The skin appears smooth, glossy pink and without flaws.

[Telegraph: Pink dolphin appears in US lake]

[Blue Dolphin via Babeland]

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

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More Secret Sex Toys

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

(Says Scanner Emily: I need this!)

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Yesterday, I showed you a lamp, and a fish bowl that secretly hid sex toys. Today, as you can see above, a designer has gone ahead and developed a paper towel holder that is ALSO a secret sex toy. Since this seems like a fun game, herewith, a couple of secret sex toys I've developed:

Read more...

5 Disturbing Products from Harriet Carter

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

I recently got a new catalog for olds called Harriet Carter. It's along the lines of your Fingerhut (which now sells vibrators and other adult products! Who knew?), or Lillian Vernon, although those standbys are shorter on the ridiculous products lately than they used to be. So I delved into this catalog, and was not disappointed.

Harriet Carter has bizarre products and gimmicky gadgets galore! (And in spite of myself I want a number of the items for sale in this catalog, and already own one, the appropriately named ShamWow!)

Above, silicone concealers, or as the catalog calls them, "modesty petals." Just imagine what it's like to wear these all day. Sweaty nips, never knowing if the concealers are aligned evenly, or if they're making an outline of their own, thereby creating the illusion of oversize, misshapen aereolic protrusions.

Next, the modesty panel: This "enhances low-cut necklines," i.e., hides cleavage, so nobody's pacemaker gets going too fast.

A dumb T-shirt.

Never mind the T-shirt. What is this creature's deal? Like, what is he? Is this a brunet Ken doll come to semi-life?

Below, What my family should know. You know: what they should know when you die. Because you're old.

Who's depressed?

No matter, because right here is the reason for the whole post.

Hair Cutting Umbrella.

No words neccessary.

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John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:20:00 GMT

Mike Walker's National Enquirer column reported on a visit made by Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer to L.A.'s Pleasure Chest sex toy shoppe, where supposedly they made some purchases and did a little play-acting. Like Jen's movies and John's music, it sounds about as middle-of-the-road as can be, so maybe this bit of celebrity gossip, attributed to unnamed "spies," is true.

"Jennifer Aniston sashayed into The Pleasure Chest, Hollywood’s elegant sex shop, with hunky Young Stuff John Mayer in tow - and it looked like sparks were flying, romance-wise. As Jen smiled demurely at intriguing items offered by the naughty fun emporium, say My Spies, John fanned the flames by selecting: A bedside lock-box containing a copy of the Kama Sutra; handcuffs; a G-string with matching candy bra; and a “Dare Me” coupon book. As the love stud headed to the checkout counter, Jennifer slipped outside for a quick puff - then stepped back in, sidled up to John like he was a total stranger, and purred huskily: 'Do you shop here often?'…. Not missing a beat, the crooner crooned: 'No, but I’ve noticed a lot of beautiful women shop here.'… Totally into the role-play, he asked Beautiful Stranger: 'What are your plans for the day?' Smiling sweetly, she replied: 'I’m going to a children’s party.' He grinned. 'I’m great with kids.' Then, playing it brilliantly, he asked to carry her bags! The star-crossed strangers left the store together."

On second thought, the play-acting might be more comparable to John's comedy moonlighting career.

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via CeleBitchy

The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Seeing as how your weekend is about to get very, very sexy (assuming you did Smiths Speed Dating or are having dinner with Judah Friedlander or have a significant other that knows romance always ends with great, sex-toy-involved sex), we present you with a few more sex toys for you to check out in time for tomorrow.

Yes, yes, we know we've done about 85 of these V-Day sex (toy) stories, but there can never be enough...

1) The Acuvibe, seen above.

Seen on Oprah Winfrey, the Acuvibe is a strong, user-friendly vibrator, perfect for women just starting to explore self-stimulation. Many women prefer the contoured shape of the Human Touch Acuvibe to the Magic Wand, but both vibrators are of equal quality.

Another website claims its webmaster(bator) was able to reach orgasm in under a minute using the old standby. Hey, you can get off while your fiancee is having a pee in the bathroom down the hall and he'll never know...

2) The Babeland Odyssey Tickler, a vibrator from Babeland, is for the couple that likes to joke around as much as fool around. Or, of course, you can have with it on your own time...

3) Big Daddy's Cock Ring. We laughed when we saw this advertised on Love Honey as being one of their most popular items, but the reviews are stellar, with the customers approaching euphoria or, um, orgasm in their recommendations.

Oh my god a cock ring that works !!!, 01 Dec 2008

Reviewer: Poseiden99, a Married Straight Male

Not being someone who would normally write a review but having used the other reviews to decide which cock ring to buy I thought I would add one to this fantastic cock ring.
I purchased this recently while shopping for a new toy for my wife, having tried a few cock rings that were all failures I was reluctant to waste money on a new one.
This cock ring is excellent and yes it really does work, yes it does make your erection stronger and harder, and yes it does make your cock more sensitive.

4) The Remote Butterfly. Despite somewhat disappointed reviews, this awesome vibrating panty is averaging four out of five stars. Perhaps it's easy to thrill customers who purchase a vibrating panty that can be operated via remote control-- something this ridiculous is bound to please whoever is nutty (or daring) enough to plunk down $100 on this toy...

Check it out at Babeland, where many of the above products are sold.

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Calling All Vintage Vibrators

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:54:00 GMT

Meet Super Douglas, labeled both as a "heavy duty massager" and "vibrator," 120 volts, 30 watts, manufactured in good old Jersey City and purchased at one of my favorite NJ rummage sales for a few bucks. (The old man running the electronics section didn't seem to understand why I was so enthused to find SD...?)

Super Douglas is here today for show and tell because Babeland is looking for your antique vibrators, for possible inclusion in a TV segment about the history of sex toys.

Here's how to submit.

If you have old or antique sex toys that we could borrow, or that you might want to bring on the show, please send us a description of the toy and attach an image to be considered (.jpg preferred). Thanks for your help!
Please email your photo and description to funstuff@babeland.com by Wednesday, February 18.

Best,
Rachel + Claire
Babeland Co-Founders

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Via Feministing

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:26:00 GMT

Prepare yourself... Valentine's Day is coming, which means you'll be subjected to 10,824 posts about it between now and the weekend.

You can bribe us into near silence, though, by buying and sending us one of these sexy V-Day gifts...

The old cliche/joke here at Scanner is that we're all secret lesbians, so it's only natural we would turn to GO Magazine, the monthly publication for gay ladies in various American cities. This month, they've published a multi-page portfolio of the greatest of this year's V-Day sex toys and other treats we've been too naughty not to receive:

1) The Forever Yours Vibe

2) The Pink Kink Kit. Says Babeland:

Bondage beginner? You’ll find sugar and spice and everything naughty in our super-sexy, non-intimidating Pink Kink Kit, making bondage affordable, fashionable and very appealing. An innocent pink mesh bag holds a heart-emblazoned, comfortable leather blindfold, an adorable pink leather 11” whip with a teasing sting, and a snap-to-fit leather collar that reads SEXY (as if it weren’t obvious!).

3) Two-Person Home Sauna. Ever had sex in a sauna? We're not sure if that one time was a daydream or the real thing, but either way, it wasn't worth this $3,000 price tag. Although, hey, if you're buyin'...

4) Dirty Dolls Lingerie

Check out all 23 pages of selections from GO Magazine.

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Next in Virtual Sex: The Real Touch Porn Device

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:56:00 GMT

At the Adult Expo in Vegas earlier this month, everyone was talking about The RealTouch, basically a masturbation device for the virtual reality era, which, if we're not mistaken, was in 1992.

While this item is of questionable modern day relevance, we had to share it with you because of its revolutionary combination of internet porn, sleek design, and Sasha Grey... seriously.

Developed by a guy who used to work for NASA (or so he claims-- the space people aren't talking), the RealTouch is best described by its manufacturer. (Warning: Porny language and offensive, arguably derogatory comments about women.)

Simply connect the USB cable to your computer and in just moments you're synched up to the hot sex on the screen. Feel every flick of her tongue, every clinched muscle, and every tremble of her body as she comes. No other product captures the delicate nuances of the female body quite like RealTouch. Whether you prefer amazing blowjobs, fucking a tight ass, or a wet pussy, the revolutionary design of RealTouch lets you break all the rules without breaking any promises.

One blogger notes: "Cleaning seems a bit problematic (and questionably hygienic) as the unit cannot be submerged in water or placed in your dishwasher."

For all this gooey greatness (if this is your thing, that is-- for us, we'll stick to actual sex, thanks), you'll be paying $150. For that, they'll throw in Amy Fisher, Gianna Michaels, Jada Fire, Jenna Haze, and Sasha Grey, to name a few, all of whom appear in virtual reality-style porn point-of-view flicks that apparently come with the device. (This hasn't been made clear and the site doesn't yet allow for purchases.)

We'll also satsify your desires [says the girl in the introductory video] with a walk on the wild side: try trannies, midgets, or well-hung shemales!

Good luck and please do not let us know how it worked for you.

Via RealTouch.

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Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Hmm, something tells us this "Revirginator" might be a fake. What do you think?

According to this blog, they're very popular in China... among scam artists...

On the Chinese city streets everywhere, you will find these ads:

"Your virginity back in 5 minutes"
"The product of high-technology! Your unspeakable secret will be erased!"
"Get your virginity back for 260 RMB!"
"No surgery, no shots, no medicine, no side-effects. Only 260 RMB!"

Then we received an e-mail, ostensibly a promotional link but arguably straight-on spam. Emphasis added and all spelling/typos/grammatical errors are theirs:

Wow! Artificial Virginity Hymen, for ladies! Now you can let your man experience the first night again and stay virgin always. To get back your first night, insert this Artificial Virginity Hymen to your pussy, carefully, then it will expand a little and you will feel a little tight. When penetrate, this thing will ooze out a realistic blood. Yeah, with some groan and moan (o oh oOo. Oh oh yeah!), you will pass through undetectable. Please remember to clean your vulva after sex.

“The Artificial Virginity Hymen is created from Kyoto back in 1993 then firstly used by the local and soon got famous in Thailand in 1995 and now in south east asia, south asia and middle east countries. The Artificial Virginity Hymen is made of natural albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation which have no side effect.” [Link]

There were large-sized pics to go with the link, but the description is gross enough. Blogs are picking this story up now and running it straight. How much you want to bet not even a virgin guy would believe his female partner was still a virgin if she used this?

Warning: Do NOT purchase.

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Stuff Your Stocking With Fleshbot's Top Sex Toys of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:33:00 GMT

There's the Bo, the We-Vibe, the Curve, and something called the Babeland Nubby G.

These and six other sex toys round out Fleshbot's list of the Top 10 Sex Toys of 2008...

The full list includes: 10) The We-Vibe, a vibrating cock ring; 9) The Bo, a silicone cock ring, seen in the above-right photo; 8) The Babeland Nubby G, which had some problems back with toxic chemicals, is reborn in a bang-for-buck model; 7) The Curve, which Fleshbot calls one of the best dildos ever; 6) The Mia, seen in the above left photo, "could pass for a USB device" and is therefore recommended for air travel; 5) The Vibe, despite its imperfect "navigation system"; 4) The Jollie, a dildo of massive girth, and not to be confused with the Jolly Ol' Saint Nick or Angelina Plus 400 Pounds; 3) The Eleven, the $300 dildo for those of you not hit by the economy in any meaningful way; 2) We dated a Gigi in high school-- let's just say we'll order one of these for ourselves. And... #1...

The Sasi. You may recall we announced its release in terrified tones just four short months ago:

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:
1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself
2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website.

See the full list here.

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Cops Stripped Of Duties After Wild Hooker Party

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Imagine you're a cop in Australia. How is it possible you're able to carry out your duties with the high-quality gene pool there?

Who could blame the cops in the country's Northern Territory for growing restless while on patrol and stopping off at the Hooker Ball for a grope and grind?

According to the local media in Darwin, NT, the two cops were removed from street work after compromising photographs turned up from an annual pimps-and-hoes-themed costume party in the sleepy capital. They were supposed to be checking the club for crime, drunken antics, and proper licensing, but instead got a couple of lapdances and delivered one or two spankings. What, does Darwin want its cops to be asexual or-- worse-- un-fun?

As these pictures prove, the coppers had no other choice. They should be exonerated.

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Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped our attention. Maybe because it was published on a day we had more important things to worry about...

On Halloween, the Telegraph published a story that began:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in
Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Wait, stop right there. We can understand the cucumber (obviously), the deodorant (shapely), even the carnation (we never thought of flowers as automatically phallic or even stimulating, but to each his own-- and you know the carnation incident was a "his"), but how in the Christ-- pardon my language, vicar-- do you fit a Russian doll up your ass?! Was it just the doll's arm? If so, it's an inflatable arm... how could that have been enjoyable? All that plastic and air?

Look at that. The Telegraph's bizarrely unfinished reportage caused us to be distracted from what should have been the lead heard 'round the world: A RELIGIOUS FIGURE STUFFED AN UNCOOKED (?) POTATO UP HIS OWN ASS, THEN CLAIMED HE FELL ON IT WHILE IT HAPPENED TO BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON A TABLE, THEREFORE FITTING INSIDE HIS TIGHT BUTTHOLE.

See that's the part that gets us-- his cover story might almost be believable in a giving-him-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way, but he still can't explain why, if the potato was laying on a table, it was able to fit head-first in his bunghole.

Image: We don't remember where we found it, but we've been trying to use it in a story for ages. Our apologies if you were expected a potato there and are very disappointed...

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Meet Aiko: She'll Love You Long Time (And Do Your Taxes)

Ina Maier — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:19:00 GMT

Meet Aiko (left) and her inventor/life-partner Le Trung (right). Aiko, who is "in her twenties", is a $28,000 fem-bot that Le Trung created in lieu of "[having the] time to find a real partner." She's got the body of a ~~real-life~~ robot Barbie (32-23-33) and knows how to clean. So what else can Aiko do? Well, we've got video!

She knows 13,000 different sentences in English and Japanese and remembers Le Trung's favorite drink. Oh, and she'll also slap you if you get, uh, fresh with her.

That said, while Le Trung claims he did not build Aiko to become his sexual partner, he's pretty quick to explain that it wouldn't be too hard. “Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm and reacting to touch as if she is playing hard to get or being straight to the point...I want to make her look, feel and act as human as possible so she can be the perfect companion."

Well, you can watch her play hard to get in the video below. At about 1:06, she "claims" to not like it when Le Trung cops a feel. Sure, Aiko, that's what all the sexy robot ladies say.

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Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

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Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Over the past few days, China held one of its "wildest" sex fairs, the Guangzhou Sex Culture Festival highlighted cultural artifacts like "condoms" and "sex toys" to the bafflement of many attendees...

Seriously, it sounds like your typical sexfest, except for a choice word that threw us for a loop:

This year's festival features activities ranging from talks on birth control such as condoms to sex toys, a photo show on sexual health and eugenics, forums on sexology, quizzes and lingerie shows.

Ahead of the festival, sexologists gave a series of lectures to middle school and college students, as well as migrant workers. The goal was to improve sexual knowledge and awareness of safe sex, said Zhang Feng, chief of the Guangdong Provincial Commission of Population and Birth Control.

By the way:

eugenics
–noun (used with a singular verb) the study of or belief in the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population, esp. by such means as discouraging reproduction by persons having genetic defects or presumed to have inheritable undesirable traits (negative eugenics) or encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics).

We were a bit disturbed by the inclusion of eugenics, but what should we have expected, seeing that this is China we're talking about?

A six-month survey of 65 such workers found 45 unmarried people aged 18 to 25 had premarital sex. The study also found that the migrants changed sex partners more frequent than local urbanites, said Zheng Lixin, deputy head of the Guangdong Provincial Institute of Birth Control Science and Technology.

"Migrants showed greater tolerance toward sex and were more liberal with sex partners," Zheng said.

Isn't it the same in the US? The unwashed masses are the liberals, with their babymaking and welfare moms, and the pristine conservatives having exactly 2.5 children and waiting until their affairs to have intercourse?

Promiscuity among migrants, which had caused sexual and reproduction problems, was endangering the reproductive health of this group of people, warned Zheng, who didn't elaborate.

Yes, because promiscuity among the upper classes never cause sexual and reproduction problems. Keep on keepin' on, China....

Via China Daily.

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Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:28:00 GMT

Ben & Jerry's... Starbucks... or Toys in Babeland?

Which establishment will you hit up first with your "I Voted" sticker on? All three are offering delicious giveaways in honor of tomorrow's Electoral Grudgefest...

According to your favorite islamofascist news network (MSNBC!), Babeland is giving away $15-20 in sex toys, for starters:

Babeland, with stores in New York, Los Angeles and Seattle, is offering a pair of self-gratifying incentives for voters who present their registration cards, ballot stubs or “word of honor” that they voted next Tuesday.
The rewards are no-so-subtle reminders of this year’s campaign rhetoric. For men, it’s the “Maverick,” a "sleeve" for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, “He’s always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo.” Women can choose the “Silver Bullet” mini-vibrator, which is “a magical solution to difficult problems” and “a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!” The promotion lasts through Nov. 11.

Meanwhile, Starbucks is giving away "a free brew" (you only need to enter into the honor system for that) and Ben & Jerry's is giving out free scoops from 5-8pm, with no indication of voting requirement.

So, vote in the morning, get a free coffee, work (or, better yet, GOTV), then hit up Ben & Jerry's at 5, swing by Babeland for the Silver Bullet (kind of a creepy name for a Presidential election, but whatever), and have a fun evening no matter who wins.

Via MSNBC.

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That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:16:00 GMT

We've received a slew of tips for this one, from reader Elissar to former Nerve contributer James Frey (thanks all!), which shows you how alarmed people are.

It seems that Ann Summers, seller of sex toys and other goodies in UK stores, has recalled Chocolate-flavored body spreads and/or Chocolate-flavored penis and nipple spreads due to contaminated contents. The products are spiked with melamine, the same chemical that killed at least four Chinese babies in recent weeks, thanks to its inclusion in milk powder products. (No one is deliberately posioning anyone, at least we don't think so-- melamine, which is non-toxic in small amounts, is sometimes used illegally so products will pass protein requirements, among other less-nefarious reasons.)

The British Food Standards Agency (FSA) said melamine had been found in Chinese-made "I Love You" sets, sold at Ann Summers sex shops, containing chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavoured penis and nipple spreads.

"This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on 'willy spread' -- chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," the FSA said on its Web site...

Via Reuters.

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Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:58:00 GMT

We've always wondered what it must be like to work in a porn or sex toy store. Does it mean you get so desensitized to sex that it doesn't interest you anymore?

We wouldn't blame this gal for going celibate after what she's seen... and, more importantly, been forced to touch...

In a rant and rave on the Raleigh Craig's List message board, an anonymous "Adult Store Clerk" gives her pointers on what not to do when shopping for porn or sex toys. We'll give you the short version:

1. "If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people fucking in them."[Hilariously, the employee goes on to point out if you don't like the pictures on your DVD's box, try a different box!]

2. Don't return movies with... uh... anything extra attached. "I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty-ass son of a bitch."

3. Don't have sex in the dressing rooms.

4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it.

5. "Don't hit on me or any of my coworkers. That is desperate and gross. Also, you're standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me agreeing to go out with you? Nope, didn't think so."

6. "Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate."

7. "If I ask for your ID, don't give me grief. Take it as a compliment..."

8. "And finally, if you are someone who brings your child into the store, you fail at parenting and at life."

The full post is worth checking out, if you have the time...

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Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:01:00 GMT

And you thought Boston Bruins fans were brutal.

This 34-year-old Swedish hockey star now has another reason to regret the release of his own sex tape: opposing teams capitalizing on it and bombarding him with one of the tape's most prominent props...

The rundown: After player Jan Hukko had his cell phone stolen, a sex tape which had been on the phone's memory was uploaded to the internet. Then Hukko returned to play a game against his former team, AIK... and things took a bizarre turn, according to The Local:

Ahead of Tuesday’s match against Leksand, the website for AIK’s unofficial supporter group had instructed fans to bring dildos to the match to remind Huokko of the sex scandal which plagued him earlier in the year, according to the Expressen newspaper.

But back in June, Huokko’s reputation for “scoring” took on a different twist when a sexually-charged video clip featuring the 34-year-old blueliner and his girlfriend ended up on the internet.

These photos from the event say it all: dildos thrown on the ice, a giant inflatable penis (ah, we've seen bigger), and a nasty banner met Hukko upon arrival.

Big surprise: Hukko's team lost the game, 3-2.

Via The Local.

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Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:57:00 GMT

Whether or not you agree with his politics, you have to agree that Barack Obama is sexier than John McCain. And while he probably won't have a Bill Clinton style sex scandal while in office, the Senator from Illinois is nonetheless the object of many a young woman's fantasy.

A new website has presented us with the only chance we're likely to have to have sex with Barry...

Here's a 3-D version to help you visualize what we're getting at:

So... anyone out there actually going to buy this frightening/hot/hilarious/bizarre sex toy? (If you are, by the way, it's available here, via Head O'State.)

According to its manufacturer, it's been given high praise from Sarah Palin ("Drill, baby, drill!") and Dick Cheney ("I've had one stuck up me since '82.") Plus, it's only $21.95... an affordable way to work off stress and pent-up frustration over this tumultuous election season...

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Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Sex toy manufacturer Touche calls this dual-action vibrator-shaver the Womaniser (ooh, touche.)

But what do the Brits who have already tried it out think of this strange new invention? The Womaniser, which lasts for about forty minutes per battery charge, has not gone over so well with Love Honey's customer reviewer:

It really is a case of form over function. The packaging is amazing, all sexy and black and sophisticated.The shaver and vibrator are at different ends and the shaver is hidden behind a ‘safety cap’. Now this is where we have our first problem. This is NOT a safety cap. It’s a lump of silicone with metal inside that loosely cover[s] the shaver. I spent ages trying to ‘click’ the cap shut, thinking I must be an idiot, but I have come to the decision that there is no mechanism to keep the top on. The shaver seems to snag the hair and is just not sharp enough when under cover of the comb. It can tidy you up a bit but no more than that.

Now onto the vibrator... the battery compartment and button stick out, there’s no way you can use this inside the vagina... it seems designed to be used as a g-spot stimulator as well, yet can’t be.

Crucially, she goes on (well, we're assuming it's a "she"), the vibrator fails as a masturbatory device as well, due to its weak vibrations. Apparently, setting your Nokia phone to shake and shimmy would be a better option. And, as we know from personal experience, since Nokia's tend to capture hair off our heads while we're talking, it might work as a shaver while we're self-satisfying, as well...

Via Love Honey UK.

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The 10 Best Things About Vibrators

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:45:00 GMT

Our substitute blogger, Byron Dafoe, writes in: "Scanner Brian's tongue-in-cheek post about 'fearing' a partner-eliminating vibrator may have given the mistaken impression that we are anti-vibrator. Quite the contrary. In order to celebrate Babeland's new ROBORUB 3000 (or whatever it is) we present our top 10 reasons why we love the vibrator."

10. You can lean back and enjoy the beauty of a woman’s orgasm with the same studied intensity you bring to your crazy friend's gallery opening.

9. Norwegian Dildo Parties?

8. Tag ‘em in and take a break: it’s sandwich time!

7. An ample substitute for bachelor parties too poor to hire a stripper (?!)

6. Remote Control Torture Fun

5. Enjoy double-penetration without the awkward run-ins at the next party.

4. Eggs. Need we say more?

3. As much as you may not want to admit it, everyone’s ass is just loaded with nerve endings. Male or female, you too can enjoy every single one of them.

2. Orgasm. Times 10.

1. See #2 again, and again, and again.

-by Byron Dafoe, whose work has appeared in Playboy and many other publications and is filling in for Verena this week

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Sloppy Seconds: Hillary Clinton's Latest Theory

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Women in Nigeria are walking naked in the streets to protest the questionable circumstances surrounding a monarch's death.

Two wrestlers from the University of Nebraska are under investigation after it was reported they are both gay porn stars.

Some dudes in Sweden have lodged formal complaints against pharmacies that sell sex toys, complaining that most of these shops discriminate against men with their female-focused stock. Wait, they have sex toys in pharamacies over there? Hell, you can't even buy Plan B at pharmacies in the States!

Did John McCain copy his speech today from Wikipedia?

Salma Hayek is planning a wedding reality show. Judging by how few people cared about our post about her singledom, the show should do real fine...

Selma Blair thinks Americans are deluded.

Hillary's team's 845th theory as to why they lost: the media's lack of investigation into the Edwards affair rumors when they first surfaced.

And Daniel Craig may be getting married. Although since when does a man buying champagne mean he's getting married and not a very lucky, soon-to-be-drunk friend?

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