Scanner : sex offenders

Facebook Full of Refugee Pervs From MySpace?

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:19:00 GMT

MySpace revealed today that they removed 90,000 registered sex offenders from the site over the past two years. But it's not like that can stop them from using social networking sites -- and where to go next? How about the social networking site that has profiles of everyone and their mothers: Facebook.

John Cardillo, a former NYC cop has the job of helping MySpace, Bebo and others identify sex offenders. One article says Cardillo calls Facebook a safe haven for these preverts. With an initial search, he's already found close to 8500 registered sex offenders on Facebook.

Facebook was not pleased with these accusations, and the above-cited article has already been updated twice with their responses:

"We have devoted significant resources to developing innovative and complex systems to proactively monitor the site and its users, including those not on a sex offender registry, for suspicious activity (such as contacting minors or users of predominantly one gender).
We also have established a large team of professional investigators to evaluate any reports of potential abuse, including those surfaced by our systems or from our users. We have been working proactively with states’ attorneys general to run their lists of registered sex offenders against our user base. Our team uses various internal tools to automatically find matches. Any potential matches are evaluated more fully by our internal team of investigation professionals.

If we find that someone on a sex offender registry is a likely match to a user on Facebook, we notify law enforcement and disable the account. In some cases, law enforcement has asked us to leave the accounts active so that they may investigate the user further."

Still, new parents might want to think twice before posting those baby and toddler pictures as viewable to the general public.

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While You Were Sleeping: Kirsten Dunst Off the Deep End

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:49:00 GMT

A very lame-looking Jim Carrey movie based on a superior autobiography opened with a mere $18 million.

Teachers can't keep banging teenagers.

A registered sex offender volunteering at the post office is the reason the Letters to Santa operation was suspended last week. It will be up and running, in a modified version, with enough time for this week's mailings.

The brand of shoe thrown at Bush has since big numbers since the incident.

CNN killed the crawl.

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and back out on the streets.

Why is Saudi Arabia forcing an eight-year-old girl to remain married to a fifty-eight-year-old man?

And Kirsten Dunst is, according to the Superficial, trying "to fill the void left by Tara Reid," who recently checked into rehab.

[S]omeone has to become Hollywood's once-aspiring actress who can't keep her face out of the drink. Enter Kirsten Dunst. Here she is drunkenly leaving Bardot last night with her male companion The Cosby Sweater Bandit.

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No Legal Remedies for "Upskirting" and "Downblousing"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Technology definitely progresses faster than the law and the perves are taking advantage of the loop holes. Snapping a picture with a cell phone up a woman's skirt ("upskirting" ) or down her blouse ("downblousing") has become a world craze. Japan now requires cellphone cameras to come with a shutter sound to announce a picture is being taken.

Salon reports:

A keyword search for "upskirt" on the photo-sharing site Flickr turns up 36,368 hits. One user has taken 48 candid shots of women's stockinged rears walking up stairs in the Paris Metro subway station. The vast majority of these photos, however, are not upskirts at all, but close-ups of women's body parts taken in public places like the subway, parks and street corners. Some Flickr members specialize in these types of shots, many with a particular area of expertise: breasts, bums, nipple slips, whale tails (the top of a thong peeking over the waist of a woman's pants), camel toes, legs or feet. Amazingly, one user has amassed 1,455 photos of disembodied, hastily framed shots taken with a cellphone camera of various body parts -- feet, breasts, butt and legs -- that could belong to any woman, really.

This is creepy and unsettling stuff that has yet to be resolved by U. S. lawmakers.

The question of where to draw a line between artistic street photography and fetishistic candids that reduce a woman to her toe cleavage is like that ever-unreliable definition of pornography: I know it when I see it. John Morris, general counsel for the Center for Democracy & Technology, puts the reality simply: "If you don't want to be photographed walking the street, don't walk down the street -- it's a public street."

It's a tough issue to define while respecting art and first amendment rights, but seriously, they can't figure out a better way to defend the privacy of an individual than, "don't walk down the street... " What are we, in Saudi Arabia?

In the meantime, watch out for the new cellphone sex operators.

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Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:55:00 GMT

The Sun reports today on the case of a 46-year-old Perth, Australia mom (well, until they take the daughter away from her, of course) who allegedly videotaped a 29-year-old man having sex with the mom's thirteen-year-old daughter.

And the video might have stayed under wraps, had the man not blackmailed another woman, a victim of his internet stalking...

Cops allege the girl's mother was also involved in the video and will appear in court next week.
She faces 19 sex offence charges.
The man has appeared before magistrates accused of having sex with the 13-year-old and recording the acts.
The man has been charged with more than 150 counts of distributing child pornography and having sex with an underage girl and was granted bail today.

Good Lord, did some Billionaire put up an island as collateral? How the hell was his bail low enough that he was able to meet it? One hundred and fifty counts-- and this doesn't even include the stalking, it seems.

The crimes came to light when early last month police say they received a complaint from another woman who said she was being stalked on the internet.
Perth policeman Sgt Greg Lambert said: "An unknown person was sending her emails that contained naked pictures of herself in the shower."
"The woman was threatened that the pictures would be posted on the web if she reported the matter."

When the po-po dropped by the idiot perv's house to check his computer, they found his exploitative video and probably beat the shit out of him. At least, we hope they did... although, if not, we're sure his future inmates will know what to do with this creep.

Via the Sun and News.com.au.

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Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Now, you must be asking yourselves, how did she know he was a rapist if she blasted him as he's merely coming through the front door? Couldn't he have been a burglar or Robert Downey, Jr., searching for her daughter's bed?

Turns out the woman, a 57-year-old resident of St. Louis, Missouri, knew it was the same man who had raped her just a few short days earlier. The man, who was killed with a single shotgun blast, was 47-year-old Ronnie W. Preyer, a convicted sex offender, and identified at the scene by his victim has having, indeed, been the right man. Turns out, it was a simple repetition of tactics that gave him away: Preyer had broken her window to get her to come out of the house the night he raped her; when, after 2:00am on the night he was killed, he broke the very same window, the woman knew it had to be the same guy coming back for more.

She grabbed her shotgun and waited in the doorway. And it was Preyer's own fault he was killed-- if he hadn't turned off the electricity, the prey would have been able to call 9-1-1 and perhaps scare him off by loudly informing him the police were on the way. Instead, Preyer crashed through the locked front door and the victim had no choice but to blow him away.

Of course, the victim will not be charged, while the dead man's grave is being spit on (figuratively, of course) in the St. Louis Post-Dispatches' comment section following the story.

Good for her. He got what he deserved.
Why would he even go back for her again? What an idiot. Oh well, that's besides the point.GOOD FOR HER! Preyer deserved to be shot and should be thankful she didn't shoot him right in his(you know what). His last name even being,"Preyer" is a coincidence to me considering he preyed on this poor lady.
I'm glad it took several hours for him to die. He needed to suffer after what he did to that women. And who says we need gun control?

It's hard to argue with that. To think she may have been raped a second time is too much to even think about...

Via the Dispatch.

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Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Three guesses as to what Republican Chris Ortloff, a former member of the New York State Assembly, is facing life in prison for...

1) Ortloff served twenty years in the State Legislature before he was appointed to the parole board by Gov. George Pataki, a position he retains to this day.

2) Ortloff discovered the cursed internet, invented by his nemesis Al Gore, and decided he liked it. Well, he liked the part about being able to e-mail (what he thought were) 11 and 12-year-old sisters in hopes of arranging hotel sex.

3) The perv went to a hotel with "condoms, lubricants, a vibrator, and a camera" to capture the illicit sex with the underage girls. Of course, the underage girls were actually cops who were legally allowed to kick his door down and haul his ass downtown, which is exactly what they did.

4) Now Ortloff faces ten years to life in the slammer for his attempted night of sin. He's due back in court today for a bail hearing. Good luck with that-- see you at your first parole board hearing, dumbass!

Via Newsday.

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No Surprise Here: Democrat Who Defeated Mark Foley Is A Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Tim Mahoney, who only won his Congressional seat because Mark Foley's name was still on the ballot, is already in danger of losing it because of his own boneheaded sex scandal...

As we reported earlier, Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who defeated "Mark Foley" (another Republican would have taken Foley's seat had folen been re-elected) in 2006, is rumored to have cheated on his wife on multiple occasions... with a staff member. Oh, but it gets way better...

1) Mahoney, a married man, was campaigning on an ethics platform in 2006 when he met Patricia Allen and began having an affair with her.

2) When Allen recently discovered that Mahoney was having sex with other women (other than his wife, that is), she threatened to sue his dumb ass.

3) Mahoney agreed to pay the woman $121,000 to go away. Plus, he threw in a guarantee of two years of a $50,000 annual salary at an ad agency that was involved in his campaign.

4) When all this hit the press, Mahoney staffers denied it and said Allen resigned "of her own accord." Of course, they didn't comment on the allegations, all of which are (as yet) unproven.

Thanks a lot, Tim... Foley handed us the only chance we may ever have of turning that seat blue and you fumbled...

Photo via.

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Seminole Casino Solves The Economic Crisis... With Strip Poker

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:46:00 GMT

According to About.com, "gambling in Florida is legal at Indian Casinos, Greyhound dog tracks, horse racing tracks and off-shore casino cruises."

No wonder all the old people, card sharks, and sex offenders are moving down there! And this is before they found out that their local Indian casino, which the state Attorney General wants to shut down, thought of an ingenious way to "boost" our "economy..."

The Seminole Casino Hollywood in Hollywood, Florida is expanding its operations to include a strip poker game. They call it a "promotion," which is disappointing, but it may catch on and become a permanent fixture.

The casino, the old bingo hall known by locals as "Seminole Classic," spread across one wall an image of a female and male model, and each are covered with envelopes containing playing cards.

Contestants pick five envelopes to reveal not only the model, but a poker hand. A royal flush pays $75,000, a pair pays $750 and hands in between pay $750 to $5,000.

The drawings are only on Friday-Saturday nights and from 6 to 10pm, but hey, at least it can serves as comic relief after losing ten g's on the roulette wheel when your idiot savant brother proves unable to predict anything...

Via Action (the South Florida gambling blog.)

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Sex Offender Running For VT Senate Seat

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Every day, we read more than one hundred stories from around the globe and eventually concentrate on four or five that really stand out.

This is not only the most unusual, interesting, heartbreaking, and, ultimately, frightening tale we've come across in months, but it also may been too good for a simple blog post... but we're going to try...

Larkin Forney (his real name) was born in Virginia. When he was nine years old, he was struck by a car traveling at approximately 50 MPH. The accident put him in a coma for weeks and caused a traumatic brain injury (TBI.) He spent the next several years catching up on the previous nine, since they were all but erased from his memory. Predictably, his grades plummeted and he ended up broke, unemployed, and playing out the role everyone else cast him in.

Cut to the early 21st century (Larking was born in 1977) and Larkin is arrested for sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl. Larkin claimed in court that he was guilty but that he was ignorant of the girl's real age, since he simply took her word for it. Soon after, despondent and confused, he set fire to himself and, ultimately, a room in his parents' home; badly disfigured, he survived, only to wind up charged with arson and reckless endangerment-- talk about adding insult to injury. (We don't dispute the state's right to prosecute him on this one, just the necessity of doing so.)

Normally, a story like this would jump to today's news, about Forney's run for the State Senate on his own party's ticket, Justice For Vermonters. However, in the course of our research into Forney's background, we dug up a little more dirt (from October 2004) that shows, regardless of Forney's injuries, the fact of the matter is he may be more dangerous man than sympathetic sinner:

Defendant has been incarcerated since July 2003 when he failed to post $50,000 bail after being charged with arson and misdemeanor reckless endangerment... Defendant has other charges pending against him because of acts he allegedly committed while he was released on bail prior to his trial on felony counts for a third DWI, and a refusal to take an evidentiary breath test for a third DWI. While on release from the DWI charges, defendant initiated a consensual sexual relationship with a girl whom he met on the internet and whom he allegedly believed was of age. A police investigation conducted after defendant and the girl had been hospitalized for drug and alcohol overdoses revealed that the girl was under the age of sixteen, and that the two allegedly engaged in sexual intercourse on two occasions. These revelations led to two charges of sexual assault on a minor... Defendant could not post bail and as a result was briefly incarcerated until bail was raised. While out on release, defendant was charged with violating the condition that he not use the internet. Finally, out of frustration with his predicament, defendant apparently attempted to commit suicide by dousing himself in gasoline and setting a fire in his room at his parent' s house. The ensuing fire badly burned defendant and left his face and arms visibly disfigured. The fire also seriously damaged his parent's house. As a result, defendant was charged with arson and misdemeanor reckless endangerment of his mother, and the high bail was set.

When we first sat down to write about this guy, the post we had in mind was more along the lines of "this piece of trash thinks he can run for public office? Anybody can run for public office, but not a sick perverted idiot sex offender." Now, we're not so sure that's how we feel. Is the fact that he's obviously brain damaged, possibly mentally incompetent, and a prime candidate for psychiatric treatment enough to overshadow the fact that he's clearly-- pardon the term-- a "menace to society?" Moreover, does he have any business running for elected office either way?

"I want to be a senator because I think I could bring integrity and honesty back to the justice system which I believe is failing us because I have been a victim of false reports and false accusations," Forney said.

He spent 21 months behind bars for his sex crime conviction... And he says he will address the hot topic of the day-- dealing with sex offenders.

"I agree that there should be tighter restrictions for sex offenders who are real predators... a danger to society. I had testimony from professionals that I am no predator or a pedophile," Forney said.

That's something you don't see every century: a convicted sex offender running for office on a tough-on-sex-offenders platform. What do you think? Is this guy too scary to be on the streets or should we just incarcerate where he'd never be heard from again... such as the Vermont state government?

More on his run here, via WCAX. Campaign website is here. His brother's plea to treat Larkin with respect. And the court papers.

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Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:59:00 GMT

The Brew Board website wants to buy this guy's killer a beer. We couldn't agree more that, if ever there is a case where someone needs to be put down for someone else's self defense, this is arguably the one...

Apparently, in the wee hours of this morning, wanted sex offender David T. Meyers was found dead in a relative's hallway in Indianapolis, his killer still clutching him by the neck. Police soon learned that Meyers, who was found wearing rubber gloves and carrying rope, condoms, had climbed into the bedroom of a 17-year-old girl whose family is renting the house. The girl immediately screamed-- Meyers ran for it and was tackled in the hallway by the girl's father, Robert McNally. At some point, McNally wrapped his arm around Meyers' neck, eventually draining the life out of him.

The police have not ruled out a heart attack as the cause of death, although we hope that whatever way Meyers died, he suffered all the way.

"If a person breaks into your home, you are justified in using deadly force in defending your family," said Mount. "In this situation, I don't think he was trying to kill him, he was trying to hold him down."
Meyers had served 10 years in prison for criminal confinement and sexual deviate conduct and was wanted in Boone County for failure to register as a sex offender. He was registered as a sex offender in Marion County. [Fox IN]

The story adds that one observer noted that Meyers had family of his own, and therefore it was a lose-lose situation. Our response: fuck him. He gets no sympathy from us... although we are sincerely sorry for his family's loss. Seriously. They shouldn't have had to go through any of this.

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Arkansas Televangelist Busted For Child Sex Acts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:12:00 GMT

The leader of a Jonestown-like cult, who once served four years in prison for tax evasion, is in jail again today after being arrested for transporting minors across state lines for sexual purposes. (Warren Jeffs, you've got a friend.)

Tony Alamo, who was celebrating his 74th birthday when the cops stormed his hotel room, who got his start on the streets of L.A. in the late 60s, is believed to have filmed and/or molested a series of underage women on videotape, one of which came forward to accuse him this week. The Feds also removed a group of 10 to 17 year old women from the Alamo ministries headquarters. Alamo, by the way, has said the age of consent is "puberty."

The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups, describes the ministry as a cult. Alamo's church rails against homosexuals, Roman Catholics and the government, and Alamo has preached that girls are fit for marriage once they are sexually mature.

"Consent is puberty," he said in an interview with The Associated Press last week from a telephone registered in the Los Angeles area while agents raided the compound. He denied any involvement with pornography.

The rest of the highlights:

1) When Alamo's wife Susan died, he left her body out for six months so mourners could pray for the resurrection he promised them.

2) Bill Clinton wrote in his autobiography that Alamo got involved with a young lady shortly after his wife's death. "Lo and behold, God spoke to him again and told him Susan wasn't coming back after all, so he took her out of the glass box and buried her."

3) Alamo's real name is Bernie Lazar Hoffman. Yep, he was born Jewish.

Via AP.

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While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:41:00 GMT

Remember that story last week about the bride and groom that got into a fight with their guests and ended up in jail? (Twice?) Well, a couple in Scotland may have taken us literally when we joked it sounded like a great party.

Three people have been arrested for attempting to assassinate or at least wound Senator Obama during his outdoor speech, scheduled for Thursday night.

Speaking of Obama: isn't voting for McCain after you backed Hillary Clinton the same as voting for Bush after you backed Bill Bradley?

As frustrated Democrats converged on Denver yesterday, some began chanting "caucus fraud," while others shouted the word "sweetie," a reference to the time Obama called a female reporter by the same name. One Clinton supporter who spoke to ABC News said Obama couldn't be trusted. Another said, "He's shifty and untrustworthy." [ABC News]

We're not sure why every media outlet did a story on the reason Facebook blocked Scrabulous. Thanks, but we figured it was Mattel's doing all along.

Songwriter Karen DioGuardi, who looks like someone who'd play Paula Abdul in a Lifetime movie, and author of hits for Carrie Underwood, Pink, and Kelly Clarkson, is bringing her brand of sass to American Idol. Now the show just needs someone who can actually sing and we might watch it.

A father and son, who have been separated for 22 years are finally reunited: in prison, where both are serving terms for the same sex crime.

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16 Year Old Boy Figures Out How To Rip Off Sex Offenders, Get Rich

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:09:00 GMT

A teenage boy in Sweden has it all figured out: he can make a quick killing ripping off online perverts utilizing the same methods cops use to bust predators: posing as a gateway to underage girls.

Except sometimes dumb people actually report him to the police...

1) The boy advertised the services of young women, who would pose for paying customers on webcams should the customers fork over their bank accounts and, for no apparent reason, their access codes. Unsurprisingly, there were plenty of idiots who actually agreed.

2) Here's the best part: the unnamed boy then decided to double-punk their punk asses, writing from a separate account that he was a police investigator and that there had been some suspicious, sex offense-related activity on each customer's account. The customer was then asked to once again hand over his (or her?) bank info-- again, with the access code-- so the "investigator" could check for nefarious activity. Why anyone at this point would not have learned to not hand over their info, we'll never understand. Why ever would anyone give someone they think is a cop, who e-mails them, their bank info so a cop can go and confirm that, yes, they have paid for underage girls to strip for them... well, that's just beyond us. (Perhaps they thought the girls were really 18? Even so: idiots.)

3) The boy makes off, this time, with about ten grand U.S. from his devoted fanbase.

4) We're not sure how it happened, but somebody must have tipped the police off, again risking their own arrest ("Hello, headquarters? Yeah, you're gonna love this... got a guy here who says he was trying to buy a subscription to a website that claims to have underage girls doing live peep shows. His money was taken by some kid who's laughing his ass off with me now. What do you wanna do with him? No, not that kid... the guy who got caught trying to watch underage strip shows?")

5) Anyway, the kid got 80 hours of community service even though he was convicted on ten counts of fraud. We're guessing the judge secretly wanted to just pat him on the back and turn him loose...

Via The Local.

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Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:44:00 GMT

It began at a church summer camp (!) and ended when fellow school employees spotted naked photos of the 16-year-old on the aide's cell phone.

Melody Ybona Gawliu was a 24-year-old teacher's aide at El Camino High School in South San Francisco when she began having oral sex with an underage female student. Perhaps no one would've ever found out this was going on if Gawliu hadn't made three key, boneheaded mistakes...

First, she showed up at school with a massive amount of balloons for the girl's 17th birthday, which apparently first aroused the suspicions of fellow teachers and teacher's aides.

Next, she saved those nude photos of the jailbait girl on her phone, which snooping teachers later discovered.

And finally, she made the classic mistake of putting the relationship in writing, by texting the girl and telling her to keep quiet about it. Stupid!

Gawliu was initially charged with two counts of digital penetration with a person under age 18, attempting to dissuade a witness and felonious possession of sexual images of a person under age 18.

Digital penetration? Does this mean if we have virtual reality sex with Alicia Silverstone we're committing a crime?

Anyway, Gawliu does not have to register as a sex offender under her plea deal, which also limits her prison term to less than a year.

Via Current and Dumbass Daily.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:45:00 GMT

Miss USA fell down during the evening wear competition at the Miss Universe pageant.... for the second year in a row. USA! USA! USA!

A student protester in Iran was beaten, tortured, and imprisoned there after appearing on the cover of The Economist. Two things: People actually read The Economist? And how did the guy get from Iraq to America? The followup doesn't say-- he just escapes from Iran, then makes it to Iraq and... the next thing you know, he's here. Does anyone smell another Bush Administration manipulation here?

Kate Moss, topless on vacation, is apparently trying for the Amy Winehouse-Doing-Kate Moss look these days. Make it stop!

Princess Anne apparently enjoys something called "lighthouse bagging." We read the whole article and still can't get our original idea of what that means out of our heads.

A twenty-eight-year-old female sheriff's deputy has to register as a sex offender in Colorado after getting it on with a prisoner. Who was a man. A man, as in, he was well over the age of 18.

Best spam headlines of the day: "Moulin Splooge," "Tiffany accessories at never before prices," and, from a Capt. Mr. Chidpong: "ASSIST ME OUT OF IRAQ URGENTLY." Good luck, Captain, but I think George Bush wants you there until we die of old age.

And then this:

The topless women from animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) were arrested on Monday afternoon while protesting outside the CBD restaurant over KFC's alleged treatment of chickens in factories and slaughterhouses.

The women - naked apart from lacy, yellow bikini bottoms - were inside a large cage, holding signs that read "Chicks Agree: Boycott KFC".
One of the protesters claimed they were "roughly-handled" by police...

Not that we're condoning police brutality, but is anyone surprised that a bunch of cops manhandled (what a sexist term) a bunch of naked activists?

CO-ED Magazine's "Hottest Female Sex Offenders" List Too Bonkers to Ignore

Bryan Christian — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:00:00 GMT

We've complained about CO-ED Magazine being a worthless pile of sexist internet poo before, and frankly we thought that they'd never show up in our pages again. But we will be goddamned if with their latest listacle, they ain't finally done something so enthusiastically and intriguingly wrong that we're kind of impressed. (Actuallly, yeah: we probably will be damned by God.)

It has to be said: female school teachers are the new male Catholic priests.
Sexual offenses committed by female teachers is at its peak, much like the libidos of the accused. While male teachers are (rightfully) lambasted for their sexual misconduct, women seem to get off much easier - literally and figuratively. And why, you ask? The answer is simple: older woman seducing younger men is part of our culture, like it or not.

Oh... where do we start? The grammatical incompetence of the second graf or the empty and offensive "insight" of the first? Doesn't matter, because what we really want to get to is this:

Check out 18 of America’s Sexiest Sex Offenders after the jump and vote!

And they ain't kidding. Not only do they have pictures of them all -- Mary Kay LeTourneau, Debra LaFave, and a bunch of other fairly attractive gals that we'd never heard of with surprisingly porny names (Cameo Patch, anyone?) -- but you can vote on your favorite. As we type this, it's a tie between LaFave and Amy McElhenney, a former Miss Bexar County (Texas represent!) who looks so together in her photo that it sort of breaks our heart.

And thus we arrive at today's moral dilemma. Do we link to this article -- which with its bold and unapologetic immaturity both saddens and delights us -- and give traffic to a "magazine" that we despise? Apparently, the answer is yes.

See ya in Hell!