Scanner : sex addict

Purity Boot Camp

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Yep, it's Purity Booty Camp. We're not talking about the "you must stay a virgin until married aka procreation time" brand of purity; this purity camp attempts to correct to another way homo sapiens are bad for being sexual: porn addiction.

A Minnesota ministry called "Every Man's Battle for Sexual Purity" is an event now drawing 300 "soldiers," where parishoners dress in camoflauge and dog tags, to emphasize discipline in a free-for-all age. Church organziers say based on surveying the men 16 weeks after they swear off pornography, the program is 92 percent effective, and they report an increase in marital satisfaction.

The program uses scripture and real-life testimonials from men who have struggled with sex addiction, including Pastor Dr. Irv Woolf, director of the National Coalition for Purity.

At the end of the event, after confessing his sins, each man has to plant a "white flag of surrender" at the foot of the cross on purity hill.

Wheee! Who wants to sign up?

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While You Were Sleeping: David Duchovny Can't Keep It Together

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is it wrong too arrest a man in a wheelchair... for driving while intoxicated?

Playboy cut 80 jobs thanks to the terrible economy.

Britney Spears is on top of the world again...

...she's back on top of the U.S. charts thanks to a record-breaking sales week. The singer's "Womanizer" tune has scored the biggest chart jump to number one in Billboard Hot 100 history after rocketing up 95 spots from last week's 96 to get there. [The song still blows. -Ed.]
It's the first time Spears has been on top since her debut single "...Baby One More Time" hit number one at the beginning of 1999. [Starpulse]

Today in Politicians Who Apparently Have Nothing Better To Do: the idiot in Nebraska who filed a lawsuit against God has seen his dreams shattered.

Janet Jackson was apparently suffering from vertigo, is back on tour, and likes loud goddamned explosions.

Strip clubs have turned to the "free flu shot" gimmick to attract business. (Or is it the other way around?)

David Duchovy and Tea Leoni apparently could not work it out. A spokesperson admitted the two have actually been separated for months, with no signs of a turnaround.

Related:

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

Sam Rockwell Too Busy Having Sex With You To Learn Your Name

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:39:00 GMT

Sam Rockwell, who stars in this weekend's newest well-hyped movie, Choke, gave a very revealing interview to Parade Magazine in which he discussed his sex life (or lack thereof?) and uttered this immortal phrase:

"I personally didn't have time to get nervous. I was so busy having sex."

He was so busy having sex, it seems, that he only had enough time to greet the girls before he boned them, and nothing more. Of course, we're talking about the sex scenes in Choke here.

"A lot of them were there just for one day to do a sex scene with me so it was like, 'Hi," and then the director would be saying, 'Let's go. We've gotta do this.' And it was over and then it was on to the next one."

O to be a movie star! Among the articles other stunning revelations about Rockwell:

"Well, I don't think I've ever been one [a sex addict], so it took some work," he jokes. "I couldn't really identify with what my character was doing at first. I went to some sex addict rehab meetings just to find out more about what these people are all about. I went anonymously and I think I was only outed one time. Thank goodness TMZ didn't see me."

Click here to read the full interview, which ends with Rockwell discussing his next film, to be directed by David Bowie's son.

Mick Jagger: "Performing is Like Sex"

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

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The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (30-21)

The XXX Files: Mulder Loves Poon, Porn, Or... Scully?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:22:00 GMT

This post was written by Sean Flanagan, our guest blogger, and Brian Fairbanks

As Scanner Brian told you this morning, David Duchovny joined the League of Hollywood Horndogs and has now entered rehab for Bill Clintonitis: sex addiction...

Please, look up at the picture now.

Him?

To have rehab worthy addiction, and to assume a public embarrassment, one must assume that he was wanting it (and maybe even getting it) so much that sex became detrimental to his family life and career.

Him? That guy with the cup over his balls? He's married to Tea Leoni. We don't blame him for having sexual addiction. (Unless, of course, this is really all about homey having a hooker habit. That or he couldn't stop rubbing up against his co-workers. Or the corner of tables and desks to get off. Or... or or or...)

Mulder, please get better. We would really like to see an X-Files 3, one that would actually answer any of the convoluted plot points that the series ended on instead of a mediocre stand-alone story that was basically a rip off of Silence of the Lambs with Frankensteins.

Which sounds cool on paper, I don't blame you for doing it. But the world is supposed to end in 2012 and you were on the run from Super Soldiers. What happened?

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Red Hot Chili Peppers Sue Showtime For Besmirching Their Sterling Reputation

Porn Poll: How Do You Like Your Porn?

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Wonderful: right as Michael Lohan is tearing his daughter's life apart, his father dies. Maybe Michael will reassess his values now that the guy had to go out right in the middle of an embarrassingly public family dispute.

We missed out on Michael Phelps giving swimming lessons at the Y.

Is David Duchovny having an affair of just trying to promote his show, Californication, with this latest shocking report?

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. [His reps] declined to elaborate further.
Duchovny plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series...

In Other News:

John McCain will announce his VP today in a bad to take Obama down a notch after last night's historic speech.

Talk about historic: a man proposed to his lady at Mile High, right as Al Gore took the stage-- and Wonkette was sitting right behind them!

BREAKING: The RNC is considering delaying the start of the convention because of Hurricane Gustav... they don't want a reminder of Katrina hanging over their convention... Scott McClellan thinks this will allow Bush to blow off the convention unnoticed, since he is a political liability anyway... read more at the Washington Post.

By the way, this is the greatest post you'll read all day. Even if you don't agree with its politics, you'll certainly (we hope) agree that sicko religious zealots should be laughed out of stadiums everywhere:

Y'all remember the AP report of a "short video produced by Focus on the Family Action shows a man with an umbrella talking about his wish for rain as he stands in front of Invesco Field [before Obama spoke there]. The man in the video explains his desire for rain by saying he's against abortion and gay marriage and says he's "just an ordinary guy" who's looking for people to pray for rain?"

And y'all remember how hurricane Katrina was supposed to be God's punishment for New Orleans sinful ways?

So what will y'all think if next week's Republican Convention (yawn) is eclipsed by landfall in the US of not one but two hurricanes?

Y'all think there's a lesson in there somewhere? [End of post - Ed.]

A school district near Atlanta lost its accreditation, the first such case in 40 years, mainly for ethics violations by board members.

And Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potsmoker movies, is doing his first stripping/naked/sex scene-- or something like that. He's "stripping off for"

his first sex scene for Cherry Bomb and is excited about the flick.
'I loved the script,' he tells The Metro. 'It was quite a challenge.'

Getting naked is nothing, Rupert. Hell, Daniel Radcliffe does that every night. (PS: Hmmm... Cherry Bomb, you say? How can we be sure it's not some Virgin Teens Dot Com movie or something?)

Image via AOL.

Related:

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Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Mick Jagger: "Performing is Like Sex"

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Top 10 Places To Have Sex... This Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Although the list on Playboy concentrates on the Top 10 Places To Have Sex Before You Die, we gotta say, "Why are you spreading these out over the rest of your life? You should do all ten of these this week."

Besides that, the Playboy list is kind of lame, with many obvious choices (and it begged the obvious #11 and #12 additions on Digg: "In the ass" and "in the boobeez.") We came up with our own list, which is based on experience...

10. On a kitchen table-- anybody remember Bull Durham? What about the scene in Fatal Attraction on the counter? You know why we remember these? Because they were fuckin' hot.

9. In a car... a moving car... that you're driving-- while we don't encourage this kind of behavior, it has apparently worked for several of our readers. And Charlie Sheen.

8. In a limo-- roll up that screen... unless you get off on the chauffer watching in the rearview mirror.

7. In the subway-- there's always a chance the train is going to stop in the next station and a top of up-all-night tourists are going to step into your previously deserted car. But that shouldn't stop anyone from having a quickie!

6. In an abandoned house-- not like a crack house or anything. (Although we're not against sex anywhere.) Do you have a kind of ghost town, such as the Salton Sea, near you? Drive out to a rundown motel and find a bizarre place to have sex-- a bizarre room to have sex in, that is, funny guy.

5. In the jacuzzi-- just don't let the other bed and breakfast guests catch you. Remember: it's hot when you do it, gross when someone else does it.

4. On the floor-- this would be obvious, except when there's a bed nearby, 99.9999% of the time, couples will choose the bed. Hey, live a little...

3. At a stadium event-- if you're at a Miley Cyrus concert, there are going to be so many teenagers getting it on, you won't even be given a second glance.

And, ah, what the hell... two we agree with from Playboy's list:

2. On the beach-- although if you haven't already done this, this should be your next one to try out: you have one more weekend of summer left, after all...

1. At the mile high club-- just make sure Ralph Fiennes isn't already lurking in the loo and this should be a good time.

How Young Is Too Young?

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans Join The Mile High Club

Can I Have A Window Seat In The Non-Masturbating Section?

Sex on the Beach: In Dubai, That's 6 Years in Prison

Nine British Women In Beach Bust After Oral Sex Contest

Top 5 Kate Winslet Sex Scenes

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:37:00 GMT

Christopher Plummer told PageSix a sex story so bizarrely hilarious that we were forced to lift our own ban on linking to the New York Post to share it with you...

The movie star has a new autobiography out in which, according to the gossip rag we love to hate, he tells the following story about gearing up to play Henry V on stage in 1956, a role for which William Shatner was the understudy. (Note that just before the excerpt begins, Plummer has just had a wild one night stand with an unnamed woman...)

"I woke up alone the next morning... (pain) all around my groin and lower abdomen... I started to whimper like a whipped dog. 'So this is what syphilis is like?' I thought. 'I suppose I deserve it, but Christ, how the hell was I to know?'
But instead of being struck down by the disease, Plummer had dislodged a kidney stone and had to undergo a medical procedure with a surgical wire to resolve the problem.
He adds, "It began to sink in... Shatner, my understudy, would have to go on... (It) instantly brought back the pain. I screamed for a nurse who jabbed me with more morphine.
"I knew then that the S.O.B. was going to be a 'star.'" [WENN-- see, we avoided the Post]

Ooh, scandalous! It almost would make more sense of Plummer had contracted syphillis because it would explain his insane assertion that William Shatner became famous for a 1950s stage play by Billy Shakes. Everybody knows it was his rockin' version of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds."

Right?

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Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Scanner reader and Debonair Magazine writer John De Feo alerted us to this very interesting survey of global sex trends.

Did you know more people are Googling for lesbian sex in Louisville than in any other US city? Well, at least on the internet.

Among the article's most interesting findings:

Lesbian Sex

Average Daily Search Volume – 56,024
Most Popular In - Prague, Czech Republic
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

TEEN SEX:

Average Daily Search Volume – 54,139
Most Popular In - Delhi, India
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

Again, Czech Republic leads in several worldwide findings, including Anal Sex, Hardcore Sex, and Gay Sex, while Louisville also leads statewide in Gay Sex. (Virgina, meanwhile, has the most people looking for Anal and Animal Sex, although not necessarily in the same search bar)

Several cities in India are on the board, all of them for web-based bestiality hunts: Horse Sex and Dog Sex. Yum.

Check out the rest of his preliminary findings here.

Google Thinks You're All Perverts

McCain To Find His VP On Google

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 18:59:00 GMT

A well-known Las Vegas TV personality was summarily fired Monday after multiple Craigslist ads surfaced showing the dude in the buff, seeking a guy or a girl for he and his girlfriend to go to town on.

But it wasn't the fact that Jeff Gradney had put up a personal (sex) ad that had people so upset... rather, the ad's photographic content saw to that...

While the offending ad has apparently been removed, we found a nearly identical one on the same Craigslist page, this time seeking women instead of men for a menage a trois:

We are a hot, intensely passionate couple looking for a hot woman to play with. You must be comfortable with yourself, playing with a man and a woman, and being watched by the woman while you use his cock! We'd LOVE to make YOU CUM OVER AND OVER!!! If you like having your feet played with that's a definite PLUS! We don't have a specific type so please send pics... and one of feet would be nice! We will respond within 24 hours, can't wait to hear from you!

Here are the photos that got Gradney canned:

It's the bottom right photo, allegedly of Gradney sticking it to the (wo)man, that upset everybody at the local ABC affiliate:

Gradney, who joined the ABC affiliate three years ago, was dismissed Monday, after a disgruntled employee sent management and staffers a Craigslist ad, a source said, that appeared to show the reporter having sex with his girlfriend. The ad read: "hot, intensely passionate couple looking for a cool guy to play with." [Review Journal]

It should be pointed out that we discovered the Craig's List ad without anyone's prompting and that it may not necessarily be the couple, although a photo (which has also been removed) from the ABC website, purportedly of Gradney, seems to match the shirtless gym shot from the above images.

By the way, doesn't this all seem a little silly? So what if the guy put up a teeny, tiny pic of himself, even if he is having sex in the photo? Because he's a news reporter, it's an automatic "no no"? And who's this person who narc'd on him?

See the ad here... until they take it down.

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What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

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Sex Blogger Fired From Lesser Sex Blog

Principal Fired For Convincing Student To Run Away With Him (Oh, And He's Charged With Rape, Too)

What Not to Do in a German Hotel: €7,000 of Phone Sex

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:01:00 GMT

If you're gonna get up to making extremely expensive phone sex calls, probably best not to do it from a hotel where you're staying--you gotta make those calls from grandma's house.

This German man did not get the message.

The 22-year-old man has a history of staying in hotels and calling sex phone lines day and night, but being unable to pay the bills, a police spokesman said.

A hotel worker called the police after the man, who had taken amphetamines and cannabis, admitted he could not pay the €7,197 phone bill, nor the costs of his six-night stay.

€7,197 of phone sex in six nights! We'd give money just to find out what they were talking about the whole time. Hopefully she wasn't giving him financial advice.

Related:

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Charity Director Busted for Paying Woman For Sex Just Doing His Job (Duh)!

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Woman Fined By Her Town After Two Great Years Of All-Night Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 19:30:00 GMT

We spent an hour looking for a good, non-pornographic photo of a couple banging a headboard, then gave up.

It was probably worth the couple hundred English quid this woman paid for her 24-month-long run as the neighborhood's loudest sex fiend...

1) Kerry Norris is a 29-year-old with a boyfriend named Adam Hinton, who is probably bragging his ass off every night at the local pub. (Yes, he's actually named in the news article, which we thought was against the media's better judgment most of the time.)

2) Kerry lives in a three-story apartment building and spents her nights banging the hell out of herself and her boyfriend. Sometimes, their sex sessions last until six o'clock in the damn morning.

3) Neighbors have been complaining to the town for years, mentioning that Norris sunbathes topless even when there are workers doing construction on neighboring apartments. Apparently, Norris and Hinton bang their headboard so loud that their neighbors had to discontinue using the room on the opposite side of the wall for sleeping. (And, here's the real kicker: the girl who was sleeping there now wets the bed and has "nightmares.) For some reason, nothing has come of it. Until now.

4) Norris had only this to say to inquiring media minds:

"I have a normal sex life.”

Via the Asbury Park Press.

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"Please Have An Affair With My Husband"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:16:00 GMT

Who knew the Delaware State Police was a hotbed of swingers activity, so much so that one woman had to file a sexual harassment suit to put an end to the sexual madness?

1) Diane Miller claims a State Police Captain badgered her into an affair... with an assist from his swinging wife, who actually first broached the idea with Miller.

2) She was also sexually harassed by another male police officer, who groped her, hit on her incessantly, and even threw pieces of paper in between her cleavage.

3) Miller

charged that top brass failed to protect her from the unwanted sexual advances of Capt. John J. Laird even after she expressed concern about working for him. Along with the state police, Miller sued its parent agency, the state Department of Safety and Homeland Security.
According to Miller's lawsuit:
Laird and his wife befriended Miller after she began working for him at Troop 2 in Glasgow in June 2006. The couple often visited her home, sometimes spending the night. Laird made repeated advances toward Miller and Cissy Laird urged Miller to have an affair with her husband. One night, while Cissy Laird slept in another room, her husband had intercourse with Miller.

4) At this point, our instinctive reaction was: Wait, you slept with the guy and now you're suing him for harassing you? This better get better... and it does:

Cissy Laird also planned a July 2007 vacation for the trio at Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where they stayed in the same room and Cissy encouraged the extramarital liaison, the lawsuit said. But Laird's wife soon became jealous and the trip ended in acrimony, with both badgering Miller to keep quiet about their activities, the lawsuit charges.

5) This is the part where Miller had to put up with the guy from incident #2 (see above.) She was transferred out of this guy's unit and told she was now working for... yep, Mr. Laird.

And in February 2007, while she recovered from surgery, Laird allegedly stopped at her home in full uniform, then grabbed her breast and tried to kiss her, saying, "It's OK. ... Cissy knows that I am here."
Not long afterward, Cissy Laird sent Miller a photograph of her husband in a bathing suit.
Also that month, the couple began visiting Miller's Dover home, often bringing food and wine. Cissy Laird reminded her that her husband had helped her and "had needs also," the suit said.
On one night when the couple spent the night, Cissy Laird slept in a spare room and her husband in Miller's bed where the two had sex, the suit said.
When the three went to Mexico that May, the two women were supposed to stay in one room, and Capt. Laird in another, the suit said. But upon arrival, Miller learned all three were booked in one room with a king-size bed. She expressed her displeasure, but Cissy Laird insisted she would sleep on a pull-out sofa because this is "what HE wants," the suit said.

6) This goes on and on... with no hint that Miller is unhappy with any of this. Until...

Miller and Capt. Laird later met at the Smyrna rest area, where he begged her to keep quiet about the trip. If she did not, Capt. Laird allegedly warned, she "better watch her back." She took his words as a threat, the suit said.
She soon hired an attorney and in August, after getting transferred to the Dover academy for recruits, filed a sex discrimination complaint with the State Department of Labor, Miller's suit said.
Martin said his client, who is in her 40s, felt she had no choice about having the affair.
"This is about a troop commander hitting on a subordinate," the lawyer said. "She felt a lot of pressure to give in to Capt. Laird."

There it is, folks. The chronology does not get into emotional feelings, just the facts, which is probably why we don't get a sense Miller is in any way dissatisfied with this arrangement. But looking back on it, it is clear that she is uncomfortable, at least, and it really doesn't matter in a sexual harassment case: if the advances are unwanted, it just takes a victim's say-so to make it valid.

Meanwhile, Laird was forced into retirement following the allegations. Meanwhile, Diane L. Miller is still working for the agency, as a $36K-a-year data processor...

Via Delaware Online.

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What STD? I'm STFree!

Ina Maier — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:15:00 GMT

We've got good news for condom-haters everywhere...

Thrillist, that bastion of frat boy helpful hints and sexual service items has really come through this time. In today's newsletter, they shine a spotlight on Brooklyn-based STFree, a company dedicated to avoiding those awkward condom or no condom moments.

And how, exactly, does this wittily-named service avoid what is seemingly inevitable? Well, by providing the member with a glossy, wallet-sized card that reads, "I'm so clean, the condom should wear me." (Who wouldn't fall for that line!) But, basically, subscribers sign up online, download a clinic verification form, get tested, and voila! When the awkward conversation arises, you hand the girl (or guy!) the card, whisper your secret code oh-so-seductively, and watch as they dial the 1-800-number, hear the dates and results of your last tests, and then drop trou right then and there.

Unprotected sex has never been easier. Thanks, Thrillist! We owe you one.

[via Thrillist]

ED NOTE: Scanner by no means endorses unprotected sex. We're just here to be helpful.

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Ex-Diplomat On Trial For Child Sex: It's Okay To Have Sex With Kids

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Gons G. Nachman, which he swears is his real name, pleaded guilty in Virginia a few months back to possessing child pornography. Now his trial has taken an interesting twist after he made what some people think is an outrageous claim...

[The] ex-diplomat convicted of having sex with teenage girls in the Congo and Brazil and taping the encounters is asking a judge for leniency, claiming that cultural differences in those countries make sex with girls more acceptable.
[H]e had sex with 14- to 17-year-old girls while serving as a consular officer in Brazil and Congo and documenting the encounters in pictures and videos.

Of course, before anyone gets too pissed off, remember that 14**, 15, 16, 17 are all ages of consent in various American states. (Although, it should be pointed out, these laws are mostly designed to protect teenagers who have younger sex partners from prosecution; in other words, in most states, adults over 18 cannot have sex with a person under 18; whereas, for example, a 14 year old guy can have sex with a 17 year old girl in some states and neither one will be charged.)

The trial is postponed while Nachman undergoes a psychiatric evaluation. We doubt a Federal judge is going to go easy on a guy just because "things are different in [his] country." That argument has never worked before, but this is the American justice system we're talking about....

Via News-Observer.

**technically, although in this case it would probably be illegal

Priest Busted For Groping Beach Patrol Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 17:26:00 GMT

A California pastor has been sentenced to three years of probation and community service for attempting a six-some with two of his friends and some undercover beach patrol five-oh...

Cuevas was one of three men arrested July 18 at the Pirates Cove parking lot on sex crime charges after he reportedly groped an undercover male deputy.
A priest at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church in Nipomo, Cuevas will remain on administrative leave until a separate church investigation is complete, a representative for the Diocese of Monterey said in a brief statement Monday afternoon.

The man, whose first name is Geronimo, is

a priest at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church in Nipomo... Cuevas will remain on administrative leave until a separate church investigation is complete, a representative for the Diocese of Monterey said...

Because being convicted after a police eyewitness testifies against you certainly isn't investigation enough. Not that we're saying he should be kicked out-- after all, if he groped a woman, we all know he would be the 2012 Democratic nominee for President...

UPDATE: Somehow the word "nude" was accidentally deleted from the above. Yes-- it was at a nude beach. A priest. Groped an undercover cop. At a nude beach. In California. Just wanted to make that clear... the world keeps turning, as it were...

Via San Louis Obispo.com.

Jessica Simpson: I'm So Bloated, I Thought I Was Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:16:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson is so much funnier in real life than in any movie she's ever miscast in.

According to the soulless Julia Allison's equally-soulless employer Star, Jessica Simpson lied about having a little pee-pee problem last month. It was actually more like an IV tube of Southern Comfort running 24 hours a day, pumping straight to her esophagus.

Reps for the singer said she was being treated for a "kidney infection," but an insider tells Star it was more than that. Jessica's health problems were "brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol," says the source. "She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a [snicker, snicker] urinary tract infection."

She sure did have a bladder problem. Between bonking Tony Romo so much that he couldn't even play flag football with his doomed Cowboys if he wanted to. (Didn't anyone ever see "Raging Bull"?)

"She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she's very conscientious about the calories," [said the source.]

We are pretty sure the part about Jessica cutting down on the carbs is true-- after all, she was making up for lost sexual time and her gut was becoming more pronounced. It's only natural that everyone thought she was pregnant when she was probably just trying out the Britney diet.

People, this is exactly why you're not supposed to wait until marriage to have sex. Because after losing your virginhood to a dirty old man like Nick Lachey, you will end up sleeping with every guy who comes along, every night of the week, after any amount of imbibing. (If you do, we won't judge. Unless you're Jessica Simpson.)

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Don't you love the sacreligious pic, via PhotoDisc?

Created in 1997, the site covers topics like anal, oral and phone sex; masturbation and role-playing; fetishes; bonding; and spanking.

No, they're not talking about Nerve, silly. It's actually the website of Pastor Paul Byerly of Salem, OR, entitled TheMarriageBed.com. And it's just the latest sign that Christians are opening up to the idea of exploring sex and enjoying some hot anal action in the name of Lord Jesus...

Among the highlights of this astonishing article from ABC News (all right, we're grossly exaggerating):

On Pastor Paul and his wife Lori: "The couple talks openly about their inability to enjoy sex because of Lori's history of sex abuse and his involvement in pornography." Wait-- Pastor Paul was involved in pornos?! Please explain, ABC! (Alas, someone didn't do their follow-ups.)
These loveable old Christian weirdos even have some wit left in them at their age: "As pastor of the 15,600-member, nondenominational church -- one of the largest in the nation -- [Reverend Kerry Shook] recently delivered a popular sermon titled 'How to Make Your Marriage Sizzle.'" The witty part? "We were cooking beef burgundy with a reduction sauce." Get it? Sizzle fo' shizzle-- zing!
Shook: "One of the things we cover in scripture is how to meet each other's needs in bed." Damn! Who knew the Bible was dirtier than the Kama Sutra. (Proabably someone who's actually read it, unlike us.)
"Folks who are married and people of faith tend to have more sex, more often than people who are swingers." Sign us up for this crazy Christian nonsense if there is any proof whatsoever it'll work!
Dallas psychotherapist Melanie "is also critical of Christian attitudes toward premarital sex, which she argues encourages teens to marry young out of guilt. She also veers from the standard position on homosexuality." Is she single, perchance?

Okay, enough. Just read the damn thing-- although we've already spoiled all the best parts.

Mick Jagger: "Performing is Like Sex"

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Sixty-four-year-old Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger says performing is as addictive as sex—which must be why he's been doing it so long.

"Performing is like sex - it's an addiction. It is why we are out there doing it. But you do have to be careful. To do it well, you can't do it all the time. It has to be the right time.

"It's like when you are young you think you should be having sex all the time. If you are reading a book all you are thinking is, 'Why am I reading a book - why aren't I having sex? I'm wasting my time if I'm not having sex.'"

Hm. We've never thought, that, actually. Maybe we should be reading less? Even though we feel like we should be reading more. But not everyone can be a sexual machine like Mick Jagger.

Oh, and have you ever wondered why Mick is so skinny? In addition to burning all those calories performing in bed and on stage, Mick says he owes it to his diet as a "war child."

"I do some preparation a few months before we go on tour, but nothing special. I think my fitness levels are down to being a war child. That diet was meant to be the best - hardly any fat or sweets."

[M&C: Stage addict Mick Jagger]

[Image via proud.co.uk where you can buy the uncropped print of Mick]

The Governor's Love Child? The Post Thinks It's Real

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:47:00 GMT

And you thought the big news of the day would be Governor Richardson giving Barack Obama a crucial late endorsement? Nope.

According to Politics1:

The New York Post and the New York Sun are both spending serious resources chasing a story that newly sworn-in Governor David Paterson (D) possibly fathered an illegitimate son years ago with a woman who is today a Republican District Leader in New York City. According to the rather wild allegations, Governor Paterson convinced his brother Daniel to claim fatherhood of the boy to protect his political career. Reporters this week dogged the young man, 24, to Boston where he is a college student -- but he refused to comment. The mother has likewise refused interview requests so far. The young man was present for Governor Paterson's swearing-in ceremony this week. Paterson acknowledged to reporters this week that both he and his wife have each had several affairs during their marriage. Our guess is that the story goes nowhere -- and that nothing will surface proving these claims -- but it is sending reporters on a wild goose chase.

Paterson dismissed the allegation as nothing but a “sporadic rumour in Albany that I had a love child.” And with a Republican politician? Man, this guy may turn out to have more juicy shit on him than even his predecessor possibly could However, other than the above, we have no further information at this time.

We'll update as more gossip rolls in.

Photo: New York Times

Another Intern Scandal: Will New York Never Learn From Bill Clinton's Mistakes?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

We're blogging from the wilderness in Connecticut today, where apparently no one has heard of wireless internet. (We got some funny looks from the neighbors who still think cell phone users are all terrorists trying to set off atomic bombs.) They've also obviously never heard of The Law of Bill Clinton out here-- or in New York: if you're a politician with a penis, and you use that penis, you will end up being made fun of on the internet.

New York and Connecticut, neighbors and fellow travelers in lechery, are racking up the perv exposures:

1) While investigating municipal corruption, the FBI discovered phone records and pictures of [Waterbury, CT Mayor Vincent] Giordano with a prostitute named Guitana Jones, as well as with her 10-year-old niece and her 8-year-old daughter. He was arrested on July 26, 2001 and, in March 2003, was convicted of 14 counts of using an interstate device, his cell phone, to arrange sexual contact with children. He was also convicted of violating the girls' civil rights. He was sentenced to 37 years in prison. In July 2007 his motion to reduce this sentence was denied by a federal judge. [Wikipedia]

2) Up until just a few years ago, New York legislators would go "window shopping" for interns at the start of every legislative session. The eager young people would be corralled at a newsstand so legislators could pick their help based on looks, not resumes. A former district attorney in Albany says that unfortunately, many of the people who seek public office "are flawed people to begin with." (Canadian Press)

No wonder we didn't get that political job we've been groveling for: we, ridiculous as it may sound, thought our record of experience would inevitably carry us all the way to the Big House. (Yeah, even we've begun to sound like the broken Hillary Clinton record.)

3) Match the state to its legislator's foul misdeed! a) Colorado b) Washington c) Arkansas; 1) Fondled 17-year-old girl at his home 2) Allegedly made fresh remarks and showed off his wang to a female lobbyist in a bar 3) Allegedly picked up a man at an adult book store (while he was married, to a woman), and the man tried to blackmail him. [Wonkette]

More about the lecherous statehouses of America at Wonkette.

Image via Bob From Accounting.

This Week in Gayness: Ben Affleck Comes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:00:00 GMT

The above-pictured transgender patient is a prison inmate who is suffering through some painful shit while the lawsuit against her warden is slogging on. Michelle, nee Robert Kosilek, is serving a long, long sentence for the 1990 slaying of his wife, which he claimed was in self-defense after she poured hot water on his balls.

We realize that's not really related to homosexuality, but we couldn't figured out where else to put this story, which is from Gay.com. We said it, it's here, now let's move on to the other craziness:

Scanner Bryan alerted us to this one: Producer Scott Rudin thanked his partner during his Oscar acceptance speech (Best Picture - No Country For Old Men), but saw that part mysteriously excised from the official transcript.

That stupid bastard who accused Obama of having gay sex with his stupid bastard self failed a lie detector test. Meanwhile, Obama is buying gay ad time in the upcoming primary states.

Outrage over the story of a bankruptcy judge was busted in New Hampshire for drunk-driving and rear-ending a vehicle. A local newspaper is taking flak for assuming the suspect was dressed in drag. Why? Um, maybe it had something to do with this quote, from the arresting officer: "He had a difficult time locating his license in his purse."

And Ben Affleck came out of the closet on that other late-night show that nobody watches. (Someone please tell me Carson Daly has been cancelled.)

Evil Anti-Gay Video of the Day:

Report: Bill and Hillary Did It In A Voting Booth

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:01:00 GMT

"I feel good," Bill Clinton said. Asked whether the race would continue beyond today, he said "I don't know. I just wanted to get it on."

Bill and Hillary were in an elementary school in upstate New York, where they are both carpetbaggers. Bill at first tried to corner one of the oversized teachers, but eventually had to settle for his wife.

In other news, Obama voted in Illinois, Romney voted in one of his states, and Huckabee is sleeping one off.

You think I'm kidding about Bill and Hillary doing it in a voting booth in Chappaqua? You cearly did not hear about what happened just after that, on the wild suburban streets.

Lindsday Lohan: Off the White Horse, But on to Reverse Cowgirl?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 14:30:00 GMT

Merry Christmas, Lindsay. Your rehab boyfriend Riley Giles sold you out to the press yet again. While we're sure he wants to let people know how serious sex addiction really can be, we think he just wanted the world to know he can go for hours:

“We once did it four times in a row straight. That was crazy. Lindsay was insatiable. She’d demand sex again and again. We’d go at it for hours. She’d have worn out most guys.”

And he's smart, to boot:

“When you orgasm, your endorphins shoot up and it becomes a massive natural high. If you have an addictive personality like Lindsay you need that to replace the highs you got from taking drugs all the time. Sex became a key part of her recovery.”

Wow. They must have really had something special.

[Via popcrunch.com]

Sloppy Seconds: Barbie Parts Make the Cutest Necklaces

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 20:00:00 GMT

Earrings fit for an A.M. Homes story: Jewelry made of Barbie bits.

Russell Crowe's gone baptizin'.

Mitt Romney would have liked to see Adam and Eve wearing bigger leaves.

David Byrne on IKEA: "Like entering a videogame world."

The church lady sex addict