Scanner : sex

Kama Sutra Chocolate

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:47:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: What is it about chocolate and sex that go so well together? Never mind, I think I figured it out.

Anyway, want the Kama Sutra in chocolate form? So do I, but this solid milk chocolate bar only comes in one Kama Sutra position of your choice. Which is too bad, because there's an even better, naughtier version of the Kama Sutra in Chocolate:

Read more...

We Repeat: Smart Women Have Better Sex

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 19:06:00 GMT

We seem to recall a study like this popping up about a year ago, but we're happy to repeat it: intelligent women have better sex.

Apparently, women who have high levels of "emotional intelligence," or the ability to express their own feelings and read others', have more fulfilling sex lives.

[Researcher Tim Spector, of King's College London] quizzed more than 2,000 female twins, aged between 18 and 83, about their sex lives.

The women were asked to rate their ability to reach orgasm on a seven-point scale, ranging from 'never' to always'.

They also filled in a questionnaire designed to gauge their emotional intelligence and covering traits like self-expression, empathy and contentment.

Those most in touch with their feelings also had the most orgasms, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reports.

Lead author, psychologist Andrea Burri, also of King's College, said: 'Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women's sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner.'

Perhaps this is also because we know that it is not hellfire that makes us burn in between our legs?

[Daily Mail: Bad luck bimbos: Intelligent women have better sex, study reveals]

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Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

Bristol Palin Has a Job and You Don't

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:16:00 GMT

How is it that we have a ton of smart, talented, over-educated friends who can't find jobs while unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin just scored a great one?

B-Pal has just been appointed as one of the Candies Foundation's Teen Ambassadors, working on the Foundation's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy.

“I feel that I could be a living example of the consequences of teen pregnancy. If I can prevent even one girl from getting pregnant, I will feel a sense of accomplishment.”

Well, that's something.

No word on if she'll be taking home a fat paycheck, or if she'll be taking home a paycheck at all, but if so we recommend she invest in some condoms and birth control pills. (And she could send some our way if she'd like. Our monthly pack of Yasmin was one of our recession sacrifices and now our face is totes broken out).

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Sloppy Seconds: Bristol Palin's New Gig

[Source]

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:08:00 GMT

Last year, a 1992 book about sex for kids, written by Narelle Wickham, was re-released with little notice.

That's all changed now that Focus on the Family has found out it contains positive messages about same sex marriage, artificial insemination, and a whole host of other "adult" issues. Oh, and it's being marketed for toddlers...

One ad for the book describes it this way:

It includes simple age appropriate descriptions of sexual intercourse, donor insemination, In Vitro Fertilisation and Gamete Intra Fallopian Transfer, as well as pregnancy, birth, adoption, surrogacy, and same-sex parented families. A pioneering book when first published to wide acclaim in 1992, this new edition is now printed in full colour and includes updated content.

That's not how Focus on the Family, America's greatest source of disturbing press releases, sees it:

The controversial publication, Where Did I Really Come From?, also features a drawing of two gay men holding a baby, in a chapter about surrogacy.

The publisher's marketing spruiks the book, which includes in-depth descriptions of sexual intercourse, as suitable to be read to two-year-old children.

"It devalues the traditional family unit and at the very least desensitises us," Focus On The Family spokeswoman Deb Sorensen said.

In a chapter on assisted conception, the book tells children: "Sometimes, a woman really wants to have a baby but she doesn't want to have intercourse with a man. Some women want to bring up a baby by themselves, or with another woman, so the baby gets two mums.

"A woman may go to a doctor who will arrange to get some sperm for her, or a special man she knows may agree to give her some of his sperm."

The book was... relaunched by Learn to Include [publisher of books with positive gay characters and messages.]

Learn to Include's website says the book's "simple, non-judgmental explanations of sexual intercourse, assisted conception, pregnancy, birth, adoption and surrogacy are "suitable for 2-12 year olds". [News.com.au]

The best part of this entire book are these lines:

A woman and a man hug and caress each other, and the woman accepts the man's penis into her vagina. After a while lots of sperm come out of his penis and into her vagina.

Of course, the book does not get into what happens when the man cannot make sperm come out of his penis. Because that would be too much for a two-year-old's brain to process.

Med Student Dies From Legal Party Drug

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

Long Live the New Flesh

Drew Grant — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:29:00 GMT

There's much in life that I can abide by. Bad music, shitty beer, boys that don't call you back despite the 18 messages you leave them on their voicemail. But there is one teeny tiny thing that I loathe with every fiber of my movie snob being: I hate crappy remakes. And even there, my limits are pretty relaxed. I'm no purist: Does Rob Zombie wants to remake Halloween? Sure, knock yourself out. Debbie Does Dallas Part: Deux? Whatever floats your boat. But the news that Universal would be remaking David Cronenberg's 80's cult classic Videodrome nearly killed me. Who the hell do these people think they are?

Videodrome, for the uninitiated, is a difficult plot to explain. Lets see: James Wood works for a local tv station that traffics in weird porn. He's sleeping with Debbie Harry, who is also into weird porn. One day, an employee of Wood's starts getting pirated TVsignals from god knows where, which brings in images of the weirdest BDSM dungeon ever, "The Videodrome." Soon, the tv signal is screwing with Wood's head, making him imagine a giant vagina in his stomach where evil-doers insert videotapes that turn him into a killing machine. Meanwhile, Debbie Harry has disappeared inside the Videodrome, and Wood's desperate attempts to save her, blah blah blah, weird sex, weird sex, weird sex.

Now, not only is this movie one of the most disturbing in Cronenberg's oeuvre (along with The Fly and Naked Lunch), but caused such a public outcry at the time of it's release that it immediatly became one of those midnight cult classics, along with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Eraserhead, that you'd have to sneak out in the middle of the night from your parents place in order to see. It's graphic, it's distasteful, it's downright disgusting. And it's one of the best films to come out of one man's obsession with Marshall MCluhan.

So why would a remake suck? Because whoever ends up directing this project (certainly not Cronenberg, although he's still alive and making films) will tone down the gross factor? Almost certainly not: We live in the age of the Splat Pack, where Eli Roth and the Saw films guarantee an unnecessary amount of gore even if they don't deliver on a coherent dialogue. But Universal is hoping to change the concept of the film to "infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller."

Um, no. The original film is so rooted in Cronenberg's personal style of combining the sexual and organic with the inanimate and mechanical (and the disgusting, pseudo-erotic meshing that occurs whenever a typewriter turns into a giant cockroach that talks out of its ass) that any sort of over-the-top CGI gross outs added will ruin the point of the film: Our bodies are not our own, they are machines made out of flesh and meat, subject to the whims of our sexual desires and the media's glamorization of violence. Please explain to me how turning this movie into a sexy version of Transformers will top the purely visceral experience of James Wood's vagina-stomach in the origanal.

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Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys, And Freaks Out On Ewan McGregor

If These F-ing Hippies Would Have Gotten The Swine Flu Shot in The 70's Maybe We Wouldn't Be In This Mess

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:01:00 GMT

We're starting to believe that this swine flu business is really just a giant hoax created by the media to save media jobs. And if that's true, well, we can't really blame anyone. But if it turns out to be a real threat, we have only our parents to blame. The pig virus reared its ugly pink snout back in the seventies, and if those damn hippies would have just taken the time to eradicate it with a simple vaccine, maybe we wouldn't have crazies running around New York in masks and schools closing in Texas. But no, they were too busy making free love and taking magic mushrooms. Now we're all going to die. Thanks, you f-ing hippies, for not being scared enough by this 1976 swine flu PSA.

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ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:07:00 GMT

We've never really understood why Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow/SlapChop guy needs that little headset—until now. He wears it so he can rap while he slaps (prostitutes) and wows.

If only all infomercials were this hilarious and culturally relevant... we'd probably have a lot more shit we don't need.

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Would You Pay $13,000 For Her Virginity?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Alina Percea is and eighteen-year-old student from Romania now residing in Germany. Recently, she put herself up for auction with a Buy It Now sort-of price of $75,000. That didn't go so well-- Percea ended up settling with an anonymous Italian man for the equivalent of about $13,000 US.

She says she's giving away her virginity in order to help stabalize her family's financial situation. Our question is-- would you, even if you were dirt poor, sell your virginity for so little? Or would you go for even lower? And guys, would you pay $13K for her time?

Percea's case is interesting because the recent virginity auctions, such as that of Natalie Dylan's, involved at least six or seven figures in American dollars. Perhaps Percea should've called the New York Post before the sale ended, as now she's getting the kind of publicity that would've bumped up the bids:

The auction was hit by controversy three weeks ago when a teacher at Alina's former school claimed she was not a virgin.
But Alina, who had already undergone a medical examination, was seen by a second doctor, who confirmed at a press conference she'd never had sex.
'I'm glad it's all over and I'm excited that soon I'll be meeting the winner,' she said. 'I'm not too nervous, because I know I'm doing the right thing for my family.' She admitted: 'Ten thousand euros is not so much money, even in Romania. But it will be enough. 'I hoped I'd be able to have an apartment in town. But now I will live with my parents while I go to university. I hope to find a good job with the police, so I can support my sister and brother through college too.' [Daily Mail]

She wants to find a job in law enforcement?! A rather interesting choice, one must admit, for one who sold herself over the internet...

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This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

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Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

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While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

The latest victim of Fox is Pedro Almodovar?

It's almost impossible to get a perfect score on the SAT-- how impossible would it be to get perfect scores on the PSAT, ACT, and SATs?

We wonder why this worm sign fail isn't as common in Louisiana. And, by the way, we had a great first weekend of Jazz Fest.

David Letterman wants to see Lauren Conrad's rumored/long-awaited sex tape.

That meanie Miss California is now a folk hero among ignorant religious bigots.

The latest worldwide fad: that fun-lovin' swine flu thing.

90% of teenagers have cell phones these days, effectively making the previous generation the last one to prefer the physical presence of their friends.

Madonna is the hardest workin' mama in the biz.

Does Facebook have something against lesbians?

The TV couple you hate the most were legally married on Saturday in Pasadena.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 20:53:00 GMT

Please right-click links and open them in a new window.

Evidence has emerged (finally) basically proving Masters & Johnson faked their "gay conversion" evidence.

A man who killed a transgender woman he was dating for not telling him she was born a male has been sentenced to life in prison in Colorado. Congress started work on a bipartisan hate crimes bill this week, one that gay groups have been pushing for many years.

Gavin Rossdale apparently had a gay lover before Gwen Stefani came along.

The gay marriage fight now moves to Maine.

Gavin Newsom announced he is officially running for Governor of California.

Was Marie Nixon canned from her day care center job for her lesbianism?

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No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:50:00 GMT

If you think that's fake, know this: we once had a capatcha on Ticketmaster that read "penile imploder."

I know it's hard to believe, but I have been picked up on Facebook before. (I'll let Colleen, Emly, and Ina weigh in on their own success, if they want-- but this is speaking strictly for myself.)

It doesn't happen very often, and certainly not since I removed "Single" from my profile, but it's entirely true that Facebook is a hotbed of sexual activity. According to this interesting chart we just came across, everyone is surfing Facebook after midnight in the hopes of getting laid and ending up at least claiming to have succeeded...

The graph charts the rise and fall of users claiming to have had sex-- after a drop around the end of last year, everyone is now saying "had sex" in their status updates, prompting the recent two-month-long spike on the readout. Whether these people had sex or just asked everyone else, desperately, "Hey Jamie-- had sex last night?" remains to be seen. Or doesn't-- since it's not like anyone's doing a formal study. (By the way, check out everyone getting laid in the fall/winter of '07/'08. Hot damn, where were we?)

Which leaves it up to us to ask-- are you getting laid thanks to Facebook?

Via Metro UK.

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From Scanner HQ

Maine Wood Frogs More Despreate For Sex Than We Are

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:59:00 GMT

It turns out that a colony of wood frogs in Maine are more desperate for sex than we are. The 2 to 2 1/2-inch frogs that quack like ducks are in some serious trouble. You see, once they come out of hibernation, the little guys and gals have what they call "Big Night." It's their annual spring mating ritual, and it generally coincides with the first warm spring rain. But up in northern Maine, their favorite orgy pool, "Club Amphibian" is still iced over. And it gets worse.

Unlike some of us who eat too much to make up for the fact that we haven't had sex in, say, five months, wood frogs cannot eat until they've mated.

"There's a little, little bit of open water around the edges, so the animals usually hang out around the edges, waiting to get in," Aram Calhoun, a University of Maine associate professor of wetland ecology and a wetland scientist for Maine Audubon in Orono, said. "Isn't that something? That must be depressing for a cold-blooded animal. You get to the edge of the pool, and the whole bloody thing is frozen and they're probably saying, 'I told you it was too early to go.' There will be a lot of salamander divorces this time of year," she said.

Salamanders, however, apparently have many years to breed while wood frogs need to make it happen. Now. "Wood frogs are explosive breeders, yet they only live 3 to 5 years, so they only have a couple of times, if that, to breed," Calhoun said. "So, they're very anxious. Much more than the salamanders, which live 15 to 20 years."

This might explain why wood frogs are so damn horny:

Salamanders gather congress-style - they all get in the pool together - and do a little courtship dance, and no one gets hurt. With wood frogs, it's not good to be a female. "It's not uncommon for the females to drown, because she has three or four males on top of her," Calhoun said.

Wood frogs are the only frogs she knows of that attempt to mate with non-frog species.To illustrate just how crazy wood frog sex can be, Calhoun's graduate student, Kevin J. Ryan, who is working on his study site in Canterbury, Conn., photographed a wood frog trying to mate with a salamander."We've had wood frogs mating with our data loggers," Calhoun said. "The data loggers, they're in little plastic containers and they're mating with the containers. They don't care. It's just something to put your arms around. It's been a long winter, you know?"

Oh, we know. It has been a long winter.

But back to the frogs... if "Club Amphibian" doesn't thaw soon, they'll most likely move onto a new orgy pool, which, as Calhoun points out, could result in many squished frogs in the road.

Godspeed, little wood frogs!

[Sun Journal: Driven to mate, frogs on the move to orgy pools]

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Chimps Will Put Out for a Piece of Meat, And So Will We

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:09:00 GMT

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED THIS STORY WHEN SCANNER COLLEEN DID IT A WEEK AGO (BECAUSE SCANNER EMILY DID—FLUCK!)

And by piece of meat we don't mean that beefcake from the elliptical machine—or the nearest tree if we're talking about chimps. No we mean delicious, bloody, iron-filled, gets-stuck-in-your-teeth meat.

Researches recently found, after following around 20 adult chimpanzees in Côte d’Ivoire's Taï National Park, that female chimps put out more often for males that shared food with them than for those who didn't.

Now, the chimps aren't going on dates, exchanging meat for sex that night. The barter happens over the course of weeks or months, with the males "accruing credit" by supplying the lady chimps with meat from multiple hunts.

"They can keep track somehow of what they have received or given in the past," said one of the anthropologists involved in the study. "It doesn't mean they're aware of this. It could be emotional. In humans, you don’t even really know how many coffees someone has bought for you in the past, you just generally feel that this person is nice to you. It creates a positive feeling toward that person."

Makes sense. If a guy was constantly bringing us steak sandwiches, steak frites, juicy hamburgers and street meat, we imagine it'd only be a matter of time before we'd want to get our hands—and mouth—on his meat. And if that makes us no better than a monkey, well... we'd rather be a monkey with a steady stream of steak and sex than a respectable human without either.

[FOXNews: Chimps Exchange Meat for Sex, Study Finds]

Related:

Chimps Pimp Selves Out for Meat

The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens

Arby's is Not Even Trying

Oil Paintings of F*cking US Presidents

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:28:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: There are almost no words one can use to describe this series, where artist Justine Lai painted herself having sex with every US President. She's painting the series in order, so she's only up to Ulysses S. Grant right now. But I bet that's more Presidents than you've banged.

Check out plenty more, TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK paintings:

Read more...

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:07:00 GMT

We liberal athiests can talk all we want about the fact that virginity pledges and purity rings don't really work, but even with statistics, it's just us against them. But when Christian bloggers start writing about it, we have to ask: I can haz sex education?

Mark Gungor, a writer for the Christian Post writes:

A recent survey showed that teens who take abstinence pledges are just as likely to have sex and are less likely to take precautions against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Many in the faith community are disheartened by such study results, but I can see how this happens. And it’s not a problem with the kids; it’s a problem of parenting. Parents assume because the church is doing something like having the kids make abstinence pledges and wearing promise rings, they don’t have to do anything. Parents are not taking their responsibility to parent and raise these kids; they get them to take the pledge and then take their hands off. They allow these young men and young women to spend inordinate amounts of time together alone and think that a purity ring on their finger is going to be the magic force field of protection. Listen, for teenagers to have sex, they have to have the opportunity to have sex and poor parenting is giving them the opportunities.

Unfortunately, he goes on to advocate for less privacy for teens. You know, don't let your kids hang out alone in the basement. But hey, at least he uses the word boobies:

I am stunned at how blatantly stupid some Christian parents seem to be when it comes to sexual things. They let their kids watch all kinds of blatantly sexual images in movies and on television with little thought of how those images and messages can affect them. I know of a pastor friend who allowed his young daughter to see the movie Titanic at least 11 times. This same pastor was all worried about anything she saw that he deemed to be satanic, like Harry Potter, but not at all concerned about his 14 year old daughter learning the lessons found in a movie like Titanic. And the lessons are very simple: If you really like a boy you can let him see your boobies and he can draw pictures of your boobies, and if you really like him, you can have sex with him two days later…

Look, the chances of your teenage daughter wanting to jump on a broom and fly around the room are pretty low. But, the chances that your daughter’s boyfriend will want to touch her boobies, well… I’d give that a pretty big chance, wouldn’t you? Talk about straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel! We need to get our priorities straight.

What he forgot to mention are the chances your daughter will want to dry hump the hell out of that broom. And parents: let her do that.

[Christian Post: Abstinence Pledges Fail]

Related:

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

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Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

Sloppy Seconds: When DIY Sex Toys Do You Wrong

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Women, would you cry at work? And do you think it would be good or bad for your career? Five women weigh in. [MarieClaire]

Men: if you want to live long enough to have sex in your old age, don't get fat. And no, it's not because women will find you less attractive. [CreativeLoafing]

Here's the trailer for "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." [SeriousEats]

We are all about high-powered sex toys, but attaching one to a saber saw (similar to a jig saw)? That just makes our vagina cringe in ways we never knew possible. Note to everyone: saws will saw through sex toys! Ouch! [BoingBoing]

Bruce Willis married his girlfriend Emma Heming in a private ceremony. [Yahoo!]

Matt Lauer was absent from the "Today" show this morning after an ill-fated run-in with a deer. Apparently, the NBC personality was riding his bike over the weekend when a deer jumped into his path, causing him to flip over the handlebars. [NYDN]

[Image]

This Belly-Button Ring Gives You a Total Boner

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Belly-button rings have been known to cause arousal (of the sexual kind) in some people, but how often does it cause the wearer to "rise to the occasion"? When you have this:

Read more...

Today in Architectural Porn: The Sex Bookshelf

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Some designer named Arun Kumar Francis wants to make reading sexy.

Apparently, it also involves Obama and a bunch of bound dissertations... full, awful (?)/awesome (?) photo after the jump...

This bookshelf really needs a copy of Nerve: The First Ten Years... hell, at least Casserole Crazy.

Via the Design Blog.

Related:

Bill O'Reilly's Dirty Talk Express

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A round-up of those who are about to die. On TV, of course. [EW]

Is South by Southwest is a pointlless party? [Gawker]

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson apparently came this close to joining the mile high club on a recent Virgin Atlantic flight. [Mile High Club Book]

Researchers say a compound often found in cosmetics and foods like ice cream could help prevent the spread of HIV when used in lube. [CollegeNews]

When we find out a guy we think is cute can't spell, we get really disappointed. Same goes for Joanna Angel. But hey, she Twitters some pretty great stuff. [Twitter]

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks her buddy Joaquin Phoenix needs some street cred if he's doing to keep rapping. She thinks he should take a trip to the projects. [People]

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Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Another South by Southwest Interactive talk on sex, another live blog from Scanner Emily. I'm still getting used to love bloging so try to bear with me. This one will be good: sexual exploitation with blogger Violet Blue. From the description:

Sexual exploitation and sexual expression are inherent in everyone's online experiences, whether intentional or not. Bloggers, community site users, community managers, web celebs -- everyone will eventually face a sexuality-related crisis where knowing the difference, and how to protect yourself is crucial. From the personal to the professional, we will demonstrate and discuss instances, legal realities and tactics for survival and success. We'll also cover the import and impact of the Lori Drew/MySpace Suicide trial (where Drew was convicted of a federal misdemeanor for violating MySpace's terms of service in order to bully a teenager), Missouri and California's new cyberbullying laws -- and how it all applies to sexual expression and sexual attacks for individuals and social network websites.

6 PM EST
Violet Blue needs no introduction. Asks if anyone knows anoyone who's been stalked or harassed on line or in person.

How do people express themselves sexually online? ? Sex blogging. Personal ads. Creating a dating profile. Taking provocative self portraits. Using a sexy image on a social networking site. Looking for hook ups in chat room. Twittering sexy things. All intentional self expression. Two of her friends twittered a silmultaneous orgasm, in all caps.

Unintentional: Other people putting things about you in a sexual context online? Pictures? Tweets? Blog posts? Wow. Huge foot fetish groups on flickr? Your feet might appear there and you have no control.

VB says clicking a gender box (say in Facebook) it makes you a target for a certain kind of attention. Once you say you're a woman (or man) you get SPAM. True that. You get unintentionally sexualized doing just about anything. VB points out it depends on context.

6:04
She asked what does sexual harassment look like? I brought up that I hate it when men tell me to smile. A man says he tells people to smille all the time. He doesn't think of it the way I do. He's from the south.

6:06
VB asks what it looks like online? Comments on photos. People asking inappropriate questions about your sex life online. "We hate..." Facebook groups. Trolls. Comments positive or negative can be unintentional sexualization, one man says. Say: a woman posts about tech or politics and gets comments on how beautiful she is.

6:10
Idea of anonymous blogging comes up again. I really am going to have to write at length on this.

6:13
Lots of "punishing" happens online when relationships go sour. Terrorizing people.

6:13
VB consulted a HR expert to see if she could apply what sexual harassment looks like at work to what it looks like online. What structures are in place to make sure these things don't happen online?

6:16
Online and offline. Both bleed into real life. Points out "Jefferson" a sex blogger in New York who was married, openly bi, very active in the queer community. They had two kids, got divorced and as a new divorcee started blogging about his life. Wanted to interweave it all. Old sex life, new sex life, being a dad. Blogged about everything. The ex wife found it, put pieces together and decided she was going to use it against him in court to sue for full custody of their children. Him being seen as a bi male and a "dirty sex blogger" is turning him into a sexual minority in this case. Conservative judges. It's working. He's forced into therapy, sreening. All to see if he's fit to raise his children.

6:18
Guy asks, what's the moral of that story. VB says intentional online sexual exporation being used to get back at/ get at people. Man (co-moderato) points out in general sexual exploitation online is being used to hurt people.

6:19
VB brings up the Megan Meyers (sp?) case. The Missouri girl who killed herself after the mother of another young girl harassed her online. Local prosecuters tried to find a way to punish the mom, but no laws fit because it was indirect from the Internet. (Same thing came up at anonymous blogging conversation Saturday: there's no regulation online, so there are not really any laws.) Prosecutor find a way to prove she violated hacking laws using fake name when signing up for MySpace. It was a violation of the TOS.

6:24
VB telling personal story of transgendered friend who had one identity online one in the real world (as a teenager). Happens a lot with MySpace, I think. Co-moderater says no regulation works because it's a safe space for teens to do things like come out, but the no regulation also makes it a dangerous space.

6:26
Guy in argyle points out people will say worse things when they can hide behind fake/no identity. Same reason I think anonymous blogging is a bad thing (mostly). Woman asks what if it's an actual boy who was flirting with her then turned her down, would Megan still have killed herself? So now we blame social media? Man notes had the mother sent paper notes through the USPS would the prosecution have been the same?

6:30
Woman points out for teens, social networking is the only way they really communicate. For adults it's something to play with. Previous woman says: is this a good reason for parents to monitor what the kids do on social networking. I pointed out that because parents don't know the internet, how can they talk to their kids about staying safe on the internet? Another woman pointed out: AND what if they don't know how to talk to their kids about sex? A man thinks it will get better as time goes on. I agree. After the first generation of Internet kids (I guess mine?) start having kids, they should hopefully be able to talk to them about safety/sexuality on the Internet.

6:32
VB points out laws are not catching up with what's happening with technology. Uses Twitter as an example. No policy for stalking, harassing, sexual attacks. Woman had a stalker, would leave terrible Tweets, but then would delete them (even though they still show up in RSS). Co-mod says Twitter's TOS say no user can harass another online, but Twitter decided not to help this woman because there was no definition for a situation like this. WTF?

6:36
VB asks, when you come under attack sexually, what is your goal? How do you handle it? Can you remove yourself from it? Is there recourse? Do you have a hard time talking about it if it's a "sex thing?" What if some of it is true? "Remember that a lot of what's going on with the attack is you at the computer.... remove yourself from the situation and look at it objectively."

6:39
"One thing you can choose to do is ignore it." Determine the threat level. Will it hurt you in real life or is your harasser trying to get a rise out of you. She tells a personal story about her "trolls," ones who edited her wikipedia page and added untrue facts. (This is being recorded, by the way. Will try to get a link.)

6:45
VB points out that Hearts (publishes the Chronicle, where she has her column) is very complicated, and conservative. Some there stand behind her "1,000%" and try to keep her safe from "trolls."

6:47
Her ideas to fix it (if the first doesn't fix it go to the next):

1. ignore
2. report
3. record (everything! take screen caps so you have it even if your "troll" deletes the harassing words/pictures/etc.. VB publishes her death threats on her website with full headers. ballsy, but nice.. one woman asks if that puts her at fault if a fan were to do something to that person... good question)
4. strike back? (on her list, we haven't discussed it yet.. probably publishing threatening emails with headers, it's recording and striking back)
5. get help?
6. protect yourself

6:56
Another woman suggests getting social support (could fall under #5: get help) even if it's just friends, other bloggers, etc.

6:59
How do you protect yourself? VB points out there really is no such thing as 'unpublish.' Whatever is out there will end up archived somewhere. Even if something goes up for just a second, you can never take it back. VB says: If you have something sexually to hide, if you feel like someone is going to out you over, the best course of action is to out yourself first because then you have control over the situation.

7:01
VB talks about a lover she had who didn't want to be outed. Then she got an email from Gawker. Decided to out herself first "in a polite, objective contex" in hopes of not harming her lover, Xeni (from BoingBoing, who is apparently pronounced "Jenny," I did not know this). Valleywag was all over it.

7:05
Discussion still going but I have to run to a food blogger party. Hopefully there will be a link to the audio online soon!

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Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

After three days of trying, I finally made it to South by Southwest Interactive. While I'm here I get to sit in on some great panels and discussions about geeks, love and geek love. On today's schedule a conversation about the sex lives of the microfamous (think Julia Allison... who is here, I wonder if she'll make an appearance). I've been Twittering most of my adventures and misadventures in Austin, but I figure this one is worth live blogging. From the description:

What kind of person talks about their sex and dating life on the internet? Someone desperate for attention? Or someone who already has lots of it? For the microfamous, having a relationship in public is as much a potential career boost as it as a vulnerability.

So far, in these discussions I've felt like it's been me against the room (including one where people thought bloggers have every right to be anonymous). For this one I'll talk less and blog more, but I must apologize in advance: our painfully slow server can take up to fifteen minutes to update, so until the end of the discussion, the posts will be sporadic at best.

4:30 EST
Nick Douglass (moderator and director of BuzzFeed) introducing himself. People who never thought they'd be blogging their personal lives were sharing lots of personal details on Facebook and Twitter, moving away from live blog.

Talk about how people deal with having relationships and a sex life when everyone can see a running feed of what you're doing. How do people handle seeing your relationships play out in real time.

4:35
First topic open to the room: talking about pictures with other people. When they show up on Flickr or Facebook, do people ask you about it? Who were you with?

4:36
Melissa Gira Grant (co-moderator, Nick's girlfriend, apparently) "refreshing the page is not going to give me any answers." Pick up the phone.

4:38
How many people have unfriended an ex? I told my story! I deleted my ex from all of my social networking lists, and rejected his friend request a year later. I'm not the only one.

4:48
As a blogger, or public person, do you talk to the person you're seeing or about to see about how much of your personal live(s) will end up on the blog? For me (Scanner Emily) it's hard, but I try only to mention antecdotes in passing if they relate to a story I'm writing (e.g. I once dated a guy who wouldn't go down on me, blah, blah).

4:43
Author of The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild, Not Away talking about her personal experience, being transparent about a few things, not all.

4:45
Nick says bloggers (even Gawker) might not always be so cruel to the Microfamous, but the commenters are. (So are some of you Scanner commenters!)

4:46
Man points out more revelation done in the comments than on the actual websites.

4:47
Melissa says she made a vow to not look at comments for the first two weeks when she started writing at Valleywag. I (Scanner Emily) almost cried the first few weeks I was at Scanner. Man, you guys hated me! She points out that as a woman writing about sex, people will sexualize her. Also, I'm confused. She talked about coming out, being queer, but I thought she was with Nick. Maybe not?

4:50
Woman says if you put yourself in public, that's the rules of the game. People will comment and say mean things. There's nothing you can do. Melissa says there is: call them on it. Another woman asks if writers/bloggers have a tendency to write about their relationships and people they interact with. (Yes, we do. Though some of us try to be discreet.) She points out that because of Google she feels blocked. She has a No-Google policy when she first starts dating someone: I won't google you, don't google me. I (Scanner Emily) do that with people I start dating, too. Especially if I meet them online. But, she says she told someone "I could tell you this story, but why don't you go read about it on my blog?"

4:45
Woman with awesome pink hair says that people who come to see her (in unnamed public format) leave horrible comments about her. Digital format into her real life. She chooses not to read them because they're terrible. See commeters, words can hurt us!

4:55
Woman says by default she does not blog the name of the person she's seeing. Duh. I never would either. Guy she's seeing not okay with pictures either. Totally understandable. She says we take pictures and tag them in media world, that's what we do to be nice to each other here (SXSWi, media world at large) but people not in media don't see it that way.

4:57
We're talking about writing about lovers. One woman says it's a tool for telling the story about who you are. I (Scanner Emily) think it's fine as long as you aren't specific (or, well, if the person will never read it... bearded bartender dad).

4:59
Woman asks, what about the microfame component? People who write about themselves and their sex lives to reach a level of notoriety? Turn it into job opportunities, traffic, etc.

5:02
Melissa wants to talk about "leveraging who you fuck to get ahead." Woman who works in music industry says if she sleeps with someone at work she becomes "that girl." She says Facebook is great for making things private but it takes a lot of time.

5:04
One sex blogger said to her lover "your name on my blog will be Johanna." Another woman asks if this is negotiating a contract. Melissa says if she gets written about on a dating sex blog, she wants a linkback. So many different levels of privacy, and everybody wants a different one. So hard to navigate.

5:05
Guy brings up we're publishing everything so we'll live forever on the Internet. I (Scanner Emily) wonder if my grandkids will read my Twitter feed someday? Or Scanner? Never thought about that.

5:06
Melissa says it's impossible to put your whole life on the internet. She says a lot but there's a lot she doesn't say. (Me, too). I brought up finding my grandmother's letter about losing her virginity. It will be on such a larger scale when we're dead. Our kids and grandkids and great grandkids will know everything!

5:09
Older man (oops David Carr, thanks Rachel Sklar) points out, "historically, there is nothing kids find less interesting than their parents' sex life."

5:12
Woman who works in TV doesn't believe in monogamy, wonders how much she has to be transparent about those things... Wonders if her sex life will be shocking or will it help her to control it later on down the road?

5:14
Rachel Sklar says when you add a public element, and things aren't going well, you self edit, you add a PR element. Ha. We're our own relationship spin doctors. How does this affect the relationship, though?

5:17
Woman asks if Tweeters worry about stalkers? I think if you're worried about that you should lock your Twitter or not blog specifics of where you're going. Again, it's the different privacy levels thing. I only Tweet my location at SXSW so my friends here can find me here. But when I was in New York? No way. If I have a stalker and he wants to make his way to Austin and buy a badge to find me in meeting room 5, I at least owe him a handshake and a smile, right? Okay, not really but you know what I'm saying.

5:23
Melissa says it's an ongoing process of curating what's on the web about us. Amen.

5:24
How many of us are happy with our top result on Google? I'm okay with mine, but I bet it won't stay there forever. Nick points out you need your side of the story showing up. Try to get it up to the top. Luckily, my site(s) show up first most of the time/so far. But it will probably change someday.

5:25
Woman from How Not to Get Fucked as a Blogger discussion talking about how she was outed after she wrote a book based on her sex blog. All anonymous (until she was outed of course). She believes bloggers should be anonymous. I do not. Maybe I'll write about it at length later. She says be careful what you say but try to have power in other mediums so you can have some control over what's out there about you. She has dealt with the British press, though. Apparently those guys and gals are first-class fuckers.

5:28
Two minutes to the end of the panel and "doucebag" is finally used. Thanks, Rachel Sklar.

5:29
Guy warns about updating FB relationship status. I took all alerts off of mine. And it does not say my relationship status. Won't. Don't want to do that to myself or anyone else. Ever.

5:30
Melissa points out tools that seem inoffensive make us share more and more of our lives. And that everybody is blogging about sex, whether we're doing it intentionally or not. Of course, it's all we think about. Well for me sex and food. And shoes. And how broke I am. But still. Closing words "be brave, take up space and let the douchebags look like the douchebags they are."

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Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Who Does Depression Hurt? Everybody Except Women Taking Semen Vaginally, Says a New Study

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 22:35:00 GMT

Women are diagnosed with clinical depression in higher numbers than men. This doesn't mean women are more prone to depression, only that they go to the doctor and get a diagnosis more often than men. But now a new study claims to have found the miracle cure for female depression: semen!

As women, our moods are especially dependent on hormones and, as you might expect, semen is chock full of them. So if birth control supposedly works better when inserted directly into the vagina, like vodka tampons (!?) wouldn't a straight shot of semen right in there work better than say, popping a semen pills, partaking in a Creamy Cum Crepe or even taking a shot of it orally? Yes, say the authors of the study who reported that women who did not use condoms during sex showed lower depression scores than women who used condoms or were not sexually active.

Our first thought, of course, was that women who were not using condoms were probably in long-term relationships and having regular sex, and more often. And sex, as we all know, puts one in a good mood. The authors, however, were less forgiving of women:

The authors acknowledge that there are lots of issues with the study. The women who didn't use condoms could be less depressed just because they are having sex more often. They could also be more likely to engage in risky behavior, though this trait doesn't appear to correlate with depression or lack thereof.

Other interesting results of the study:

Not only that, people who used condoms the most often were also the ones most likely to report having attempted suicide. Whether or not people were in relationships at the time had no effect. Interestingly, they also found that oral contraceptives did not have a significant effect on depressive symptoms. Finally, they found that women who did not use condoms had sex almost twice as often as those who did.

Still, the study concluded that women who have sex without condoms—not women who have more sex—are less depressed. Too bad AIDS is such a downer.

[Neurotopia: Friday Weird Science: Feeling down? Have you tried...semen?]

Related:

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Gmail Scans and Semen Tanks

Image via ebarney's flickr

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:29:00 GMT

We here at Scanner are in no way medical professionals. So why in the world would we seek medical advice from others who are? Instead, we like to ask our friends what's up. That's right, we asked a boy who has no medical training whatsoever to break down female birth control for us, because that's how we roll. Okay, really, we are always interested in getting different perspectives on things and when Andy started opining about birth control one night, we thought it would make for an interesting post. But you know, before taking any of this advice in pill or shot or patch or plastic form, consult a medical professional first, please and thank you.

Hello Readers. While I'm new to this blogging thing, I've had a slew of relationships, and like most people I hate condoms and eschew them whenever I get into a long-term relationship. Needless to say, I've learned a bit about birth control in my 31 years. And over a beer, while helping Scanner Emily pack up her shit for a long move (and somewhat relentlessly hitting on her [Ed note: I liked it]), I got into a discussion about my own preferences in birth control devices. Out of said conversation came the idea to post these preferences, just to see if any of you agree or disagree. I preface these by saying that if you aren't in a mutually exclusive thang, and you aren't wearing a condom when you have sex with any one of your anonymous partners, well that's just fucking retarded. But if you are, read on.

The Pill
First, which pill? There seem to be a million now, with cute names like Yazz and shit like that. But my experience has been uniform with the pill, which is to say I've learned to expect the unexpected. Some women are entirely unaffected; some turn into a post-apocalyptic fascist state. And speaking of Yazz and mood alterations, don't trust commercials, ever. The good folks at Bayer and their DTC (direct to consumer) marketers have made a point of suggesting that their pill reduces PMS symptoms (remember the conservatively dressed, thin women kicking words like "irritability" while listening to a vomitously chick-pop version of Quiet Riot's "We're Not Gonna Take It?"). Well, the FDA made them pull the ads for BLATANTLY LYING TO AMERICA. The drug was approved for mildly alleviating some symptoms associated with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), classified as a psychological disorder whose side effects include "severe depression" and "extreme, persistent anger." PMDD is a serious condition affecting only 2-10% of menstruating women; PMS is very, very common. My friends think I get it sometimes, and I have a penis. Anyhow, by the time the ad was pulled, millions of women had already seen it and gone to their doctor thinking that Yazz would get rid of their PMS. Hell, I tried to get a prescription for it; those chicks in the commercial looked so empowered, kicking things in pant suits.

So be careful; the truth of the matter is, PMS is a fact of life for many women, and nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from. In my house growing up, it meant that for two days a month I was to bring my mother and sister a box of chocolate, head to my bedroom, and shut the fuck up. And I was a kid; if I can figure that shit out at age 8, the men in your life can certainly do the same. So according to me and the FDA, don't take birth control pills to alleviate the symptoms of PMS; in my experience you're replacing one hormonally charged mood swing with another. Instead, take birth control pills because you want to have unprotected sex all the time (in a monogamous relationship), occasionally in weird positions, with a guy whose penis you enjoy. That said, from our side, the pill is easy. You're the one who has to take it, and remember to take it. We rarely see you take it, and being men, are not going to remind you to take it, and so it requires a significant amount of responsibility on your part, and trust on ours. This can create the kind of Oedipal relationship the Freudians would have a field day with.

The Diaphragm
No hormones involved, I can understand how women would certainly want that. However, this stupid little rubber thing ruined my last long term relationship, and has for countless others completely removed all spontenaiety from the sexual act. No more pulling over on the side of a highway in the afternoon to nail each other by a road median; no more throwing each other into stairwells during parties, or quickies in restaurant bathroom stalls. Even in the comforts of your own bedroom, sex suddenly requires forethought, and putting something obtrusive and jelly filled inside you. Yeah, yeah, a real loving relationship is about more than sex, right. But if you can't accept that sex is a big part of it, then why are you going on birth control in the first place?

Wow, that was cathartic. Moving on...

The Nuva Ring
This thing is wonderful; that is, until you need to use your vagina. The "small, unobtrusive plastic ring" is indeed obtrusive; when I'm inside a vagina, I like to be the only one inside it. Two's a crowd. Still, it makes for an interesting game of "Operation," trying to hook your finger or tongue around the thing and pull it out without taking her out of the moment. If accomplished, it can be removed for upwards of 3 hours, no harm done. So you have plenty of time to get back into it, if your skills at Operaton are not quite acute.

Depo-Provera
This is the creepiest form of birth control ever. My college girlfriend used it. Psychologically, I didn't notice any changes, but then again, she was always batshit crazy anyway. Physiolgically, you get a shot, once every three months, and then your body literally stops menstruating. The lining of your uterus becomes an unfriendly place for egg cells, your cervical mucus thickens (which is a strange phenomenon for those of us who enjoy going down on a woman first thing in the morning), you lose bone density, and overall, your body simply stops having a period. If you can deal with that, I say go for it; it is by far the most convenient form for women who, like me, are prone to forgetting things. But if you hate needles, or you see something weirdly unnatural about not menstruating anymore, well, I'd say go with something else.

The Patch
You put a patch somewhere on your body, and it delivers your hormones for you throughout the month. The hormone level is slightly below that of the pill, but higher than the Nuva Ring, so you get somewhere in between on the emotional effects. It also looks like you're trying to quit smoking if you go to the beach, but hey, that's noble enough these days. And one time it got caught in the bed sheets and tore off, which ruined a perfectly good moment. But apart from those small issues, I'd say this one is the winner.

Please feel free to respond with any of your own birth control tales, or to mention any of the ones I might have missed. For example, I didn't mention the IUD—never had a girlfriend who used one, and honestly, I don't really have an opinion about it. —Andy

Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sometimes, when we read Wikipedia we think to ourselves "why don't they just call a spade a spade? What's the point of mis-educating the public?" But that's what the Urban Dictionary is for we guess, and also, apparently, Wikipedia audio, which offers an enlightening tutorial on "mammary intercourse."

[Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse]