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Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots.

It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie.

First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal in Vermont?

A good way to figure out how to meet people is to find out how other people are meeting people.

Blake Fielder-Civil apparently knocked up his mistress.

This photo of a woman getting chewed on by a polar bear is scary and one of the strangest we've ever seen in a major news story.

It took long enough: the porn industry is working on a Seinfeld "parody."

A truly awful story keeps getting worse: parents of a ten-year-old who was killed while offroading by a highway are suing the driver who hit her, a man who was already cleared of wrongdoing.

It may be time to attempt an intervention: Suri Cruise is going to attend Scientology school.

And Roger Federer got married.

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Jamie Bell's First Sex Scene Marred By Boner

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:06:00 GMT

Remember that movie Billy Elliot that all the critics said we were going to love and we never got around to seeing? The adorable child actor from that film, Jamie Bell, is not only legal for our nefarious sexual purposes, but he's also legal to ply with liquor first!

Maybe some brandy (or eight margaritas) would've helped his first on-screen sex sequence run more smoothly...

We'll let Jamie's uninterrupted quote do the talking:

Someone get this boy a fluffer! Or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. For God's sake, don't let his penis shrivel like George Costanza's... the ladies are counting on you, David the Director...

Related:

We Boiled Mena Suvari's Sex Movie Down To Its Most Watchable Moments

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

UPDATE: A Plethora of Penis Photos

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:29:00 GMT

The government took over Freddie Mac and Sallie Mae, once again proving that if you bring in enough money, it doesn't matter who you fuck over, there will always be someone willing to bail you out.

That Asian junkie you've been reading about has thankfully kicked his addiction. You remember the story: he's an elephant.

Gisele Bundchen clears up those rumors about her "impending" marriage to Tom Brady:

Don’t place any bets on when Gisele Bündchen might marry boyfriend Tom Brady, says the supermodel. “I’m happy as I am,” she tells the Spanish edition of Vogue in its September issue. “Why is the whole world worked up about my getting married? I’m having a great time and I want to enjoy it.”

The Jerry Seinfeld commercial for Microsoft appears to have stumped everyone. Everyone.

Could the Top Chef: Ultimate Fighting Championship spinoff be far away in the future?

Obama and McCain will honor the victims of 9/11 and speak at Columbia University on the anniversary of the attacks. And yes, they were attacks, not bombings.

Meanwhile, the conservatives in Canada are learning how employ nasty Rovian tactics at home: the Prime Minister dissolved parliament in hopes the third election in just a few months will increase the conservative grip on government.

Between My Sheets polled the Top 100 sex bloggers of 2008. Obviously, we didn't make it because Between My Sheets isn't hip enough, damn it!

And Teri Hatcher has figured out the secret to life. Luckily for guys everywhere, it involves having sex with her:

[She] has motherly advice for her daughter – and the Desperate Housewives star is only too eager to share it. “Have great sex [and] eat the chocolate,” the single mom advises 10-year-old Emerson – and the general reading public – in Hatcher’s October column for Britain’s Glamour magazine.

Related:

Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Quote of the Day: "I molded my ass."

Pure, Selfish, Chocolate-Filled Pleasure

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Sarah Palin is already an historic figure. As the first female on a Republican Presidential ticket, she will never be forgotten... or, when it comes to Democratic bloggers, forgiven.

They have already spread rumors of her having lied about her fifth child's true origins, attacked her fitness to be President, Troopergate, etc. etc. Now the McCain-Palin campaigns deny the following nude photo is of Palin (allegedly from her beauty pageant days):

It's either her or Julia Louis-Dreyfus. In fact, we're pretty damn sure it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who is currently getting her biggest career boost since Seinfeld. In fact the above two photos are both clearly fakes...

The picture emerged hours after Sarah was named as Republican John McCain's running-mate, and has been used by hundreds of websites and blogs.
Sarah’s camp, however, insists that the picture is fake, reports News of the World.
Other forged snaps of Sarah are also said to have also fuelled the frenzy on the net since the relative unknown was pushed into the Presidential spotlight. Sarah, who married her high-school sweetheart Todd and now has four kids, was once a teenage beauty queen in her home state of Alaska. [Sify]

Here's one that we're pretty sure is real. Hot or not?

Related:

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:45:00 GMT

The Coltrane Kids are cooler than we were in the second grade, that's for sure.

A 20-year-old Wisconsin woman was arrested for her overdue library fines. Um, I thought we were supposed to be promoting reading among our youth...

Sienna Miller's house was vandalized last night. Some sicko left the following graffiti:

Jerry Seinfeld is leading a $300 million ad campaign to salvage Windows Vista.

5 Americans were arrested for merely putting up the words "Free Tibet" in Beijing.

A trio of swingers are dead after a triangle went real, real bad.

Jean Reno, star of Leon, aka The Professional, is in the hospital after suffering a serious heart attack.

Coldplay is already gearing up to release another album, produced by Brian Eno, tentatively scheduled for next year.

The equestrian competition at this year's Olympics was thrown into turmoil today following these shocking revelations:

The four horses were found to have been given capsaicin, a substance prohibited because of its pain-relieving properties.
The horse Camiro, ridden by Tony Andre Hansen, was part of Norway's bronze-medal line-up in the team show jumping.
The other three horses are Ireland's Lantinus, ridden by Dennis Lynch; Brazil's Chupa Chup, ridden by Bernardo Alves; and Germany's Coster, ridden by Christian Ahlmann.

These people should be jailed for giving drugs to horses. Jailed in China. (That'll teach 'em.)

Video of the Day: Bill Maher's Religious Movie

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:12:00 GMT

via videosift.com

From Larry Charles, director of Borat, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and much of Seinfeld and political pundit and Real Time host Bill Maher comes the latest attempt by the left to repeat the success of "Fahrenheit 9/11." Hopefully, it will stir up just as much shit and maybe bring real change.

Like "Fahrenheit 9/11" did? Um...

"Would you be willing to kiss everyone at the party?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:32:00 GMT

Uh, if we had enough to drink, maybe.

With the Superbowl upon us, The New York Times explores double dipping and reminds us of the Seinfeld episode that centered around the choice—to dip once or twice?—after a recent study on double dipping was actually inspired by the show. Consensus? Dip once.

“The way I would put it is, before you have some dip at a party, look around and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here? Because you don’t know who might be double dipping, and those who do are sharing their saliva with you.”

[New York Times: Dip Once or Dip Twice?]

(Thanks, John!)