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The 10 Best Things About the New Star Trek

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Haven't seen the new Star Trek yet? You are not alone... in the universe! Ha... is joke.

Seriously, this might end up being the first film in ages to actually draw in significant repeat business-- Trekkies are over the moon, film buffs are racing at warp speed to get home and blog, and we've run out of bad puns already. In other words, don't be left out this weekend...

10. This could be the Star Trek film that breaks the Oscar curse. The series is 0 for 10, mainly in sound and effects categories, and has never been nominated in a category bigger than cinematography. But we would not be surprised, given the quality of movies released this year, that Star Trek pics up nods in screenplay, effects, and even acting categories. You heard it here first.

9. Leonard Nimoy's cameo gives the movie great dramatic weight-- unlike 99.9% of all prequel cameos. Most of the time, when you bring back the star of a film's previous series, it results in mockery and cinematic travesty. For example, Sean Connery's return as James Bond nearly ruined the series, even more so than the casting of Timothy Dalton. Thankfully, this Star Trek is more, say, Diamonds Are Forever than Never Say Never Again.

8. It finally launched little known film director J.J. Abrams's career. Abrams, you probably didn't know, has spent years slumming it as the #1 producer of network television.

7. If this guy hates it, it must be good. The self-described Trekkie fails to see what's great about the movie-- it's Star Trek without all the hokey sci-fi goofing around that turned off so many casual viewers.

6. It makes us want to go watch the first four movies again. (Although, of course, nothing can make us want to watch any of the others.) That's the big difference with this and the Star Wars prequels-- it actually belongs in the series canon.

5. Because J.J. chose quality over a gimmick. Bill Shatner has made no bones (no pun intended) about his disdain for the filmmakers. We see his point-- Nimoy gets a huge supporting role, while Shatner doesn't even merit a walk-on. But Abrams & co. were right to leave that rumored cameo unfilmed-- the scene that would kind-of work, initially slated to follow the climax, could easily have stalled the movie's dramatic momentum and might have sent people out of the theater shaking their heads at the inappropriate side-tracking. Abrams made the very wise decision to not risk the movie's tension-- and it was clearly the right decision.

4. Because it will launch the career of a great young actor, Chris Pine. When we first saw trailers for the film, we kept saying, "Man, the new Kirk looks like a poor man's Ryan Reynolds." And saying someone is anything like Ryan Reynolds is a huge insult where we come from. That "annoying-looking pretty boy model," Chris Pine, turns in he year's best breakthrough performance-- are you listening, MTV?

3. All the ladies agree: Zachary Quinto is the thinking woman's sex symbol for the 21st Century. Spock, as Quinto plays him, is transformed into a studly romantic brainiac badass. Who could've predicted that?

2. This weekend, it will likely become the highest-grossing Tyler Perry movie of all time. Yes-- he's in two scenes and since no one knew he was in the film when it first opened, there were whispers all around: "Hot damn-- is that Madea?"

1. It's just that damn entertaining. We watched the film with a mild fan and two people who had very little interest in the movie-- and all enjoyed it tremendously. They agreed with this reviewer that Star Trek jump-starts a series that had been "mined to exhaustion." Best of all, this weekend, it goes up against Angels and Demons, the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, giving you yet another reason to help keep this atop the box office...

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Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

I often joke about getting a sugar daddy, but underneath the humor lies some honest interest. Making a career out of freelance writing, I've sort-of condemned myself to a life of poverty, or near poverty anyway. I live paycheck to paycheck, pay my bills late most of the time and am not ashamed to admit I like to buy things—clothes, shoes, nice dinners. And the idea of a sugar daddy sounds sort-of great, doesn't it? Especially in this economy. Getting my bills paid, not having to worry about how anyone is going to finance a car for me with my terrible credit, all the clothes I want... and all in return for just showing an old man a good time? Sure, maybe it's a little like prostitution, but like I've always said, any mutually beneficial agreement between to consensual adults should remain between those two consensual adults.

True, there are plenty of reasons not to do it. I can't imagine having sex with someone I'm not attracted to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little concerned with what other people would think. But if I happened to meet an attractive, intelligent, hilarious man who was also loaded and wanted the pleasure of my company now and then, I'd have a hard time turning that down. The one thing I can't bring myself to do is find a sugar daddy online, though I must say it would be surprisingly easy to do should I find myself suddenly unemployed or with medical bills I couldn't pay. In addition to craigslist ads like this one, there are multiple sites like seekingarrangement.com that match pretty young things up with sugar daddys—and sugar mamas. Until I get that desperate, I'll keep pretending credit cards are free money and joking about the day my Sean Connery type comes along.

But what about you? Could you—would you—get a sugar daddy (or mama)? And if so, under what circumstances?

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

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Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

Our personal preference is for Lois Chiles, who plays Holly Goodhead (what's wrong that name? huh?) in Moonraker (seen above), but these ten are unquestionably hot on every level. Together, they make it a tough act to follow for Olga, Gemma and their new movie, Quantum of Solace, which opens today in America....

10. Domino Petacchi (played by Kim Basinger) in Never Say Never Again

9. Lupe Lamora (played by Talisa Soto) in License To Kill

8. Domino (played by Claudine Auger) in Thunderball, who is not only one of her favorite Bond girls but one of the hottest women ever

7. Jinx (played by Halle Berry) in Die Another Day

6. Pam Bouvier (played by Carrie Lowell-- yes, Richard Gere's wife and the cutest of all Bond girls) in License To Kill

5. Plenty O'Toole (played by Lana Wood) in Diamonds Are Forever. While Jill St. John and her totally radical hair were more of a distraction for us while watching this, hearing Sean Connery moan "Oh, Plenty" or Lana's character is the trump card in this Vegas thriller.

4. Pussy Galore (played by Honor Blackman) in Goldfinger. How the hell did they get away with a name like that in the Production Code era? Well, we're all the better for it, somehow. We're not sure how, but anyway, this list isn't complete without her presence... and oh, how we dig that raspy voice...

3. Solange (played by Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale. Perhaps the only complaint we heard about the most recent classic Bond thriller (and it was classic, no question) was that Solange doesn't get laid and (SPOILER ALERT) doesn't make it past her handful of early scenes. We can't argue with that, although the scene featuring Murino riding a horse is pleasure enough for one PG-13 film.

2. Tracy Draco (played by Diana Rigg) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, arguably the best Bond film and the only one starring Australian model/actor George Lazenby as 007. This is one hell of an entertainment-- Telly Savalas as the villain, a bunch of exercise vixens as brainwashed assassins, Bond gets married, and the tragic finale are not nearly as memorable as watching Miss Emma Peel in the throes of passion with James Bond.

1. Honey Ryder (played by Ursula Andress) in Dr. No. There's a reason Bond became famous... and it's not Sean Connery. Well, okay, it's Sean Connery, the whole "Bond, James Bond" line, some decent movies, and so forth. But would Dr. No have been the massive hit it was if Ursula Andress had not come out of the ocean in that bikini? We think not....

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Chelsea Clinton: No Comment On Barack

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:36:00 GMT

We were involved in our first paparazzi chase on Monday night on the way to our birthday dinner, when TMZ's cameraman almost knocked us over to get video footage of Chelsea Clinton talking about her mother's rival...

We can't embed the video (fucking TMZ), but the point isn't the video. It's 42 seconds and Chelsea uncomfortably tries to avoid commenting on Barack Obama. What, you can't say, "while I wish my mother had won, I'm behind Senator Obama 111%?"

By the way, we can tell you that everybody-- and we do mean everybody-- on the streets of New York's Soho neighborhood stopped and stared as the parade of photographers raced after, encircled, and lunged at Chelsea Clinton, while TMZ's guy kept asking her whether she'd support Obama. We hadn't seen a spectacle like that since Sean Fucking Connery sat by a window eating Japanese food in a restaurant on the Upper East Side. He literally stopped traffic.

Anyway, it was a nice birthday present to myself-- after all, everyone knows I have a thing for Chelsea (see below.) Let's just hope she stops avoiding supporting Obama (which her parents will probably do) and do what needs to be done for the country: get a Democrat, any Democrat, into the White House.

Previously: I Hate Myself For Loving You, Chelsea Clinton

Sloppy Seconds: Why Should The Gays Thank Tila Tequila?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 22:22:00 GMT

(This is the image we took down.)

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Sean Connery wrote a memoir. If only books could have sexy Scottish accents. [Yahoo!]

Verne Troyer, perhaps better known as "Mini Me," is still mourning Heath Ledger's death. So are we, Mini Me. So are we. [Us]

Teenage girls in Michigan attacked a lesbian classmate. [Queerty]

One percent doesn't really seem like a lot of anything until you realize that one percent of Americans are in jail. [Radar]

Boy George will serenade New York City sanitation workers to show appreciation for their friendly manner during his community service sentence. [People]

Reality *&$%^ Tila Tequila is certain that she played a major role in California's legalization of gay marriage: "[The legalization of gay marriage] is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal." [MollyGood]

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Some Approximation of 8-Year-Old Sean Connery Had Some Approximation of Sex

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:20:00 GMT

Sean Connery told Page Six he got started with the sexy times at the very young age of 8 years old. Considering how hard it is to imagine Connery at 8 and anyone having sex that young, we'll assume this is, how do you say...exaggeration. Then we'll watch Connery on SNL after the jump.

SNL- Jeopardy: Bjork, Dave Matthews, Sean Connery

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