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Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

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Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

[Image]

This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Australia is regressing into the past more and more every day: in addition to proposing a block on all terrorism-related websites (what, they don't have journalists in that country?), they want to block a lot of gay content.

John Kerry wants to reunite a gay couple. The Massachusetts Senator asked Attorney General Eric Holder to bring back a deported Brazilian man who was raped in his home country. A federal judge had said the rape was basically no big deal and he faced no danger in South America.

Rascal Flatts is telling people their new single, "Love Who You Love," has a pro-gay message.

A London elementary school has been teaching students that it's okay to have homosexual feelings and relationships. The best part of this is that when parents pull their kids from the school to avoid them hearing the lessons, the kids are marked truant. Of course, Fred Phelps heard about this and is bringing the Westboro Baptist Church over there to mess with them.

A federal judge ordered the state of Louisiana to put the names of both adopted fathers on a baby's birth certificate.

Chuck Schumer has finally come out... to back same-sex marriage.

And meanwhile, the Vermont Senate turned their gay civil unions into gay marriages. Woo-hoo!

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13-Year-Old Boy Watched That Paris Hilton Video Too Many Times

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

These kids today... first, they stage circle-jerk sessions and give out hand jobs in class. Next, at least in Connecticut, they give blow jobs in class.

But one Cincinnati, Ohio teenager decided that these were not enough to satisfy his adolescent cravings. Now, he's made national news for "pandering obscenity," a ridiculous and unconstitutional law that another Ohio resident, one Larry Flynt, has been messing with for decades...

Here's the full news report (no other information is known as of this writing):

A 13-year-old boy is charged today after police say he made a sex tape and showed it off at school.

Middletown police say the boy videotaped himself with another middle school girl. The tape was apparently made at the girl's house. The boy showed the video to his classmates at Vail Middle School.

The seventh grader is charged with pandering obscenity.

Dude is in seventh grade, Ohio, cut him some slack! And, as usual, there's no mention of the girl in the case-- did she wish to have herself filmed? Did she encourage or even promote the distribution of said sex tape? Or is she a victim of hidden camera work? (Obviously, he's at least a dumbass for showing it to his friends-- especially at Middle School, during class, knowing full well by the age of thirteen that the rumor mill is a vicious beast with no secrets.)

We'll have more on this if we ever hear about it again. Chances are, we won't.

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50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

James Franco Is Sleeping His Way Through Grad School

Ina Maier — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:27:00 GMT

And we've got the photos to prove it...

[via]

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While You Were Sleeping: Principal Walks In At The Wrong Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Rush Limbaugh is at it again: he's predicting Ted Kennedy is going to die soon.

This cat amuses the bejesus out of our stupid asses.

M.I.A. denied naming her baby Ickitt... but hasn't convinced us of this yet because she won't say what she did name the lil' thang.

Questions remain: will Specter switch to the Democrats? Will Howard Dean join the Cabinet? And is Al Franken ever going to be named Senator?

Moby says what we're all thinking: the weather is too harsh up here in the winter and it's time to migrate elsewhere... at least from October through May.

Wanna be Bruce Lee?

Live in Sweden and want to hire a teenage babysitter? You might reconsider that after reading this.

Rihanna is trying to focus on "new music," which is easy when your boyfriend/husband is busy with the trial for beating you up, spends his nights drinking illegally, and has a soon-to-be-condemned album of his own to work on.

And a school principal in Arizona is gouging his eyes out after walking in a student getting it on with a teacher.

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

MSNBC has a terrifying little advice column called Sexploration that we were recently alerted to.

This week's questions included one of the funniest and most disturbing the website has ever run...

Is it natural for a man, as he ages, for his penis to become smaller? Can anything be done to stop the shrinkage?

When I was in third grade, the school's top female student informed me, with casual sincerity and absolute conviction, that a boy's penis falls off at age 13, whereupon a new, puberty-ready penis, complete with hair and larger testicles, would eventually emerge in its place.

Thankfully, I took her warning with a grain of salt, thinking that at least it would be cool to not have to pee for a time while I waited for my dick to grow back. Had I believed her-- as I should have, given her status as the resident smarty pants-- it may have been a two-year period of terror and constant underwear inspection.

I bring this up because, seeing that question, I had that same momentary panic I suffered at the age of eight: Holy God, isn't the penis difficult enough to deal with without this bit of information hanging over us?

Here's how writer Brian Alexander answers-- in our mercifully abridged version, of course:

Like what, for example? Washing only in cold water?
Penis worry is just another indignity you can chalk up to aging, like asking why weird, wiry black hairs are starting to pop out of your ears and why you can’t drink anything after 7 p.m. and without having to rise at 2 a.m. to pee.
But whether or not it actually shrinks is open to debate. You could try taking a tape measure to your gym’s locker room and measuring penises young and old, but German researchers have saved you from being banned for life by doing the work for you...
You’ll be happy to know that mean flaccid length was actually longer in the older men. Mean erect length was slightly longer in the young men, but barely. Erect width slightly favored the kids.
...but then I asked Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “I believe that elasticity of the tunica [albuginea] (and thus penile size) decreases with age,” he said.
Well, penises... work better if you keep them working. [MSNBC]

Something to look forward to, dudes: you'll look better when you're unaroused and naked, a state you're more likely to be (unaroused, that is), as the years roll by...

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Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Instead of an obvious career in modeling or as a child star, McKay Hatch, a 14-year-old boy in California, decided to start a high school group called "No Cussing." Their pledge caught on, quickly garnering over 100 students. When the internet campaign began, the whole country, including Dr. Phil and Good Morning America, took notice. Their message of clean speech eventually spread all over the world, and peaked recently at 10,000 members.

But then the rest of the internet, the pranksters and redditors and Farkers, decided Hatch's campaign needed some pizzazz...

Go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you doing?
Bullshit.

These are just three of the many thousands of hate mail messages Hatch has received since the word got out. Pizzas will arrive at his house at all hours, the phone rings all night long with prank callers. Best yet, the porn magazines consistently fill up Hatch's mailbox.

What do you think? Is this kid asking for it-- saying some words are "wrong"-- or does he have a valid issue here?

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Sex And Drugs And Elementary School

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Dear Mom and Dad,

Elementary school is rad! Sixth grade is going to be the best year ever! I got some merry wanna from a friend of mine who played with the ding-a-ling of our friendly neighborhood drug dealer! Isn't she cool?!

Sorry, we had to slip into the cocoon of childhood for a minute there to be able to deal with this story: according to an Orlando TV station, two sixth graders have been caught up in an investigation involving sex-for-marijuana.

Police said on Friday that a girl at a Palm Bay elementary school traded sex for drugs.
Palm Bay police said they want to know where the elementary school student got the marijuana she brought to school. Yvonne Martinez of the Palm Bay Police Department said their investigation is leading to South Florida and illegal sex with a sixth-grader. [WESH]

A bunch of students, probably jealous of all the laughs the kid was having, apparently narc'd on the 10- or 11-year-old boy, who was busted en route to his home to smoke up. He, in turn, narc'd on a classmate, also ten or eleven-years-old, who apparently had sex with a drug dealer to get the weed. Wait, she's so desperate to get somebody else high that she slept with a grown man?

We're all in favor of smoking marijuana (Disclaimer: Scanner/Nerve is not in favor of smoking marijuana), but this is sick. What happened to getting high on household chemicals before moving up to the illegals?

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Teacher Takes In A 13-Year-Old Boy-- You Know What Happens Next...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:58:00 GMT

Debra LaFavre and the rest of the kooky teacher pervs have nothing on 29-year-old Boston-area teacher Christine McCallum for one simple reason.

They never got to live with their victim and sleep with him more than three hundred times. According to news reports from all over the world, McCallum became a sort-of foster parent to a thirteen-year-old boy after his father was unable to take care of a kid by himself. McCallum and her husband (yep-- seems every perv these days has a spouse of only a few short years) took in the future victim and his brother in late 2005; by early the following year, police allege, McCallum was plying her charge with vodka and seductive attire, leading to makeout sessions and, on February 7th, the taking of his virginity.

This went on for two years-- including sex in the next room while Scott, who was only McCallum's husband for two years when the affair is believed to have begun-- until McCallum and the boy broke up over text messages the boy was receiving from girls his own age. Yes, this is one of those idiots who is said to have given her victim his own cellphone and even wrote incriminating details about their love lives on his MySpace page:

"It's hard to be in love with you and set boundaries for you," she wrote. "It's hard to kiss you and tell you no. It's hard to want someone to take care of me when I have to be the one taking care of everyone else."

You would think someone would've seen that and called the cops-- but it wasn't until a teenage friend of the victim told his own parents what was going on that the police got involved. And the obliviousness doesn't stop there-- McCallum's husband attended court with the accused, never batting an eye, even as prosecutors read damning evidence (most of it in McCallum's own hand) into the record...

Via various sources.

Related:

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

Boy Suspended From School For Having Sex... Guess What Happened to His Partner?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Sexism strikes both sexes in American culture. Note the example shown above...

...and this story, which features a thirteen-year-old boy who learned that it's often considered solely the male person's fault if a man and a woman are caught doing something "sexually inappropriate" out in the real world.

First of all, we have to point out that we now have thirteen-year-olds having sex in school stairwells. Who got any action, let alone after hours, before they were in high school? What's next? Preschoolers having swingers parties during nap time?

Walter Ransome, who becomes one of the first-ever thirteen-year-old boys to be named in the news media for having sex, was busted by a teacher for having sex with a young lady in his Philly-area stairwell. His mother, of course, was livid-- but more upset over her son's punishment compared to his paramour's:

Walter got kicked out of school for the incident. The girl stayed in school. Now, Goss is demanding to know why.
"I'm not going against the school board whatsoever. Punish these children the way they are supposed to be punished, but don't just punish one and not the other when they both were involved. That's not fair," she said. [Philadelphia Daily News]

Damn straight-- why would the boy, who is black, get a ten-day suspension from junior high school while his classmate (ethnicity unknown) returns to her studies as if nothing ever happened?

Has anyone else out there noticed a double standard when it comes to punishing a young male ~~sex fiend~~ busted for doing something sexual with a female of similar age?

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Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

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"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

This eighteen-year-old girl made the mistake we've all had nightmares about: IMing"Dad" when we meant to tell "Darcy..."

Elisabeth Frisinger was on a class trip with all her high school chums from Cleveland, Ohio when she decided to jump on IM.

Lizzy: "OMG! Just had 1st time on beach! Gr8! Wish u were here!"

Jesus Christ, woman, you write texts worse than I IM and you're old enough to lose your virginity? No wonder Dad, whom you accidentally messaged instead of your friend Darcy, is pissed:

We would be convinced of this item's fakery if it weren't for the fact that her classmates took pictures of her misery (which we won't subject you to) and leaked the story in the first place, which Frisinger has yet to deny. And all she had to do was say, "Dad, I meant-- it was my first time checking out the beach on this trip." In this instance, her braindead use of English would've helped her.

Poor thing-- guess this is why you don't add your fuckin' parents to you buddy list-- use the telephone, that way you don't make mistakes like these! Duh.

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Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

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Photo: Wikimedia

Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:13:00 GMT

I got my period at age eleven. I wanted it to come earlier, mistakenly thinking my boobs would come along with it. A few cramps and no boobs later, I rued the day our school ever showed us that stupid development movie and handed out little pink "starter kits," packed with panty liners, maxi pads, deodorant and the dreaded tampon. I didn't quite understand how that was going to go up there comfortably; like my butt, it was exit only (hey, I was eleven!). A few more messy maxi-pad periods later, however, I was ready to give it a try one morning. I was so tense I missed school that day but by about 1:30 I had successfully inserted—well, almost successfully, it took a few more periods for me to figure out I wasn't really supposed to feel it while it was up there—a tampon, what I figure is the best way we have, so far, to deal with Aunt Flow. I'm still waiting on those boobs, but in the mean time, let's take a little walk down Memory Lane with the history of menstrual products.

GURL.com takes us on a tour of the history of menstrual products.

We're all familiar with "the rag."

By the time American cities were bustling in the 1700s, menstruating women were wearing simple cloth rags similar to their babies' diapers. They would wash and reuse these rag pads, which were often embroidered and personalized. Ever heard the colloquialism "She's on the rag"? Well, she literally was.

But what the hell is "menstrual slapping?"

During the 19th century, a custom in many Jewish, Slavic, and Lithuanian families was The Menstrual Slap. A girl's first period (officially called the "menarche") was marked by an immediate slap to her face by her mother.

The slap was meant to usher the girl into womanhood, and possibly to "slap some sense" into this newly fertile girl so she wouldn't become pregnant before she was married. So basically, the menstrual slap was the original form of abstinence-only sex education.

Still seems better than the "menstrual cup," the toilet plunger of periods:

In 1867, a patent was granted for a small reusable rubber cup to collect menstrual blood when inserted in the vagina. The invention didn't receive much attention until 1937, when author Leona Chalmers received a patent for a similar device and introduced it commercially. In the late 1950s, Chalmers joined Robert P. Oreck to develop and market the Tassette (little cup in French/English). Ad campaigns for the Tassette ranged from the incomplete and inexplicable, "Tassette - Not a Tampon, Not a Napkin" (Uh, so what is it?) to the absurd. "New - Monthly Protection as Dainty as a Dew-Kissed Flower."

Unfortunately, the Tassette cup never made a profit and went off the market in 1967 due in part to the fact that women could reuse the same cup for five years at time and because some customers didn't like repeated washing of the product.

All these and more (moon huts?) at GURL.com's History of Menstrual Products.

Related:

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[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Alan Greenspan reveals the man responsible for the grave economic crisis we're facing: it's jazz musician Stan Getz.

Apparently, I, Brian Fairbanks had something to do with that Oregon stripper mayor getting stripped of her duties. We don't understand this link either.

This guy won't be able to accompany his 17-year-old wife to her high school dances...

Five pieces of facial jewelry may be all that is stopping a high school senior from attending any school dances with the 19-year-old man she recently married.
Casey Engstrom, 19, graduated from Hubbard High School in 2007. He has since married Brittany, 17, who is still a senior at the high school. The young couple now lives a stone’s throw away from the high school with Casey Engstrom’s grandmother, but Casey Engstrom will not be permitted to attend any school dances with his new wife. Casey Engstrom has been informed that he is banned from such school functions because of skin-stretching jewelry in his lip and ears. [Link]

Cynthia Nixon got involved in a debate about her kids' school, with video.

Send folk singer Odetta a card-- she's in critical condition in a New York hospital.

A man listed a beat up, useless automobile on e-bay for a few hundred dollars and then all but forgot about it. When the auction closed at well over $200,000, it became clear that the car was only one of six of its kind ever made.

Can someone explain to us why the TRL finale was on a Sunday night? Anyway, it featured a stunning cast of music stars, including Eminem, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.

And Barack Obama had a busy Sunday: he resigned his Senate seat, gave the Democratic radio address, and addressed the nation... all on YouTube.

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Life with the Obamas... in the White House

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:06:00 GMT

Leave it to a British newspaper to give us the lowdown on what life will be like for our next first family...

Plus: the best story about Vice Presidential sex we've ever heard...

The Mirror, England's splashiest tabloid, had a great piece yesterday detailing the family lives of previous U.S. Presidents and how the Obamas would compare. Among the more memorable speculations and revelations:

1) Obama will get rid of Nixon's famous bowling alley (which, we should add, was actually built as a gift to Harry Truman, who rarely used it) and install a basketball court, where he hopes to take on pro ballplayers.

2) Here's one we hadn't heard: at meals outside of the White House, Secret Service agents will take drinking glasses (and possibly dishes and utensils) from the President after he's done with them and destroy them elsewhere.

3) The President and his family are billed for their own meals and dry cleaning, a fact Nancy Reagan found out after a full month into her husband's administration.

4) Obama will not be allowed, at least by the Secret Service, to bicycle around D.C., which he enjoys doing, and will have to stick to shooting hoops, playing pool, or working out in the exercise room.

5) Sasha and Malia may attend the same private school Chelsea Clinton did and bring slumber parties to the White House.

6) Best of all, Obama and Mrs. Obama will have distress signaling systems.

Obama will be given a set of panic buttons: One for his pocket, one on his desk and one beside his bed. They are credit card-shaped and simply have to be squeezed to summon a posse of agents.

At one time, the President and Vice-President were given three-inch-high models of the Washington Monument to put beside their beds. They had simply to knock them over to summon the guards.

But the models were abandoned after Vice-President Dan Quayle - noted for being clumsy - knocked his over late one night while making love to his wife.

In seconds, the door burst open, the lights went on and Mrs Quayle was thrown out of bed to the floor as bodyguards flocked around her husband to ensure his safety.

7. And, according to People Magazine:

Besides the all-weather tennis court on the South Lawn and the grand piano on the second floor, [Sasha and Malia] will have their own pastry shop, swimming pool, bowling alley and movie theater – complete with a popcorn cart.

The White House also comes with a staff of ushers and pastry chefs to ensure birthday parties will never be the same. They plan slumber parties and scavenger hunts that no Supermom can hope to rival.

More via the Mirror.

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Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Here's one for the ages: a thirteen-year-old boy has been busted for possession of child pornography after a female classmate sent him a nude cell phone photo...

The boy, a student at Sanger Middle School in Denton County, Texas, was arrested, kept in a detention facility overnight, and suspended from school after he received the unsolicited message. As one parent put it, "He doesn't know what a felony means. He doesn't understand what pornography means." His mother added, "He's a 13-year-old child. He's in middle school. He's supposed to be out there having fun, hanging out and playing football, which he loves to do. Instead, he's having to sit at home with mom and dad."

Notice Mom isn't at all concerned, it seems, about the fact that her son is getting nude photos from middle school girls he knows. Of course, if he doesn't know what porn is, he's probably not having sex either, so maybe their lack of concern is appropriate. (However, and though we'd rather defend than prosecute this kid, he probably should have deleted the photo right away, especially since school officials caught on and warned everyone to delete any inappropriate photos immediately. After all, he does live in Texas-- we wouldn't be surprised if he was tried as an adult, sentenced for four hundred years in jail, then watch as the sentence is "commuted" to immediate execution by firing squad. Just kidding.)

Read more about the case here. UPDATE: Just to be clear, the above photo is of a model for a porn site... at least, that's what a porn site has claimed. See my comment below...

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Go Have A Jolt Cola And A Sandwich, Kids, We Want To Have An Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:17:00 GMT

My, these middle school teachers sure seem to be getting laid a lot more often than we are. Unfortunately, the ones you're hearing about in the news are all sleeping with underage students or, in the case of those teachers at a school in Augusta, Georgia, with fellow staffers... during lunch...

According to News 12 in Richmond County, the school system has launched an investigation into whether Spirit Creek (damn hippies!) Middle School faculty engaged in noontime orgies:

The allegations include accusations that faculty members were having sex with each other here on school property during school hours.

The accused include teachers, members of the administration and a former school public safety officer.

"Wow. Wow. That's shocking. That's really shocking." Bonita Blocker's daughter is a seventh grader at Spirit Creek Middle School. "Anything like that should not be going on in the school system expecially with the testing scores that we're putting out here -- everything that thay do here should be concentrating on the children."

Is it wrong that we can't stop laughing about the above paragraphs? First, there's the image of teachers, administrators, and a safety officer unable to resist their sexual urges for each other, like that Peter Jackson movie Dead Alive, where the virus (or whatever it is) turns all the zombies, including a priest and a nurse, into sex fiends. Anyway, enough about that. What's even better is Bonita's reaction ("Wow." Pause. "Wow") and the use of the word "expecially" while discussing test scores.

People, you can't make this shit up. Read the rest of the madness here, but honestly, we've given you all you need to know.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is there any reason to shoot yourself in the arm? For one man, not getting laid is reason enough.

If you happen to spot a tour bus belonging to The Kills, please contact the Feds.

And the verdict on the Apple iTunes store's fate...

Bowing to mounting pressure from the multimedia giant, the Washington, D.C.-based Copyright Royalty Board declined a request from the aforementioned NMPA to increase song royalties from 9 cents to 15 cents on songs purchased through iTunes and other digital retailers, according to CNN.com.
The decision was the board's first on digital downloads and will set royalty rates for the next five years.

A spokesperson for Apple had hinted that the company thought the six-cent hike would mean the store would operate at a loss and that Apple would close it down if that occurred. How much of this was talk, we'll never know...

Apparently, CHANGE stands for Come Help A Nigga Get Elected... according to one racist assmunch of a teacher in Florida. (His words, not ours.)

Drunk driving isn't funny. Except when it's a local newscaster intentionally playing Demolition Derby with parked Acura sedans and refusing a police order to get out of the car with your open bottle of vodka.

In related WTF news, a woman was kicked out of a Mothers Against Drunk Driving booth... because the injuries she received thanks to a drunk driver were too disturbing.

Looks like Mike Myers and Brad Pitt are the stars of Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. This'll either be genius or terrible, as there's no way it can be in between.

Speaking of Brad Pitt, his wife Angelina Jolie appeared in public for the first time since giving birth to the celebrity baby seen above. Apparently, she's suffering from post-partum depression, but was "all smiles" at a film premiere in New York last night.

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While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:54:00 GMT

Flea is taking a break from the Chili Peppers; he's headed for higher ground at USC.

A judge tossed the infamous lawsuit that alleged New York's Ladies Nights discriminate against men..

Is The View falling apart? Barbara Walters has called a staff meeting on account of... who else?

With the rumor mill buzzing that a discontent Elisabeth Hasselbeck may vacate her cushiony seat on The View for the cool, hard Eames chair of Fox News, it's up to den mother Barbara Walters to restore order on the set of her chat show. True to form, Walters has eschewed hugging it out in favor of a more clinical approach; according to the Chicago Sun-Times, she's had to schedule a staff meeting to deal with the increasingly hot-under-the-collar Hasselbeck. [Defamer]

If this e-mail rumor turns out to be true, it would mean Barack Obama will win the Presidency.

Jesse Ventura's new reality show? Yep, the man who was last seen speaking at Ron Paul's RNC counter-rally, is working on a show about conspiracy theories.

Even bears don't want to go anywhere near hospital waiting rooms these days.

Heath Ledger's insurance company is not letting this thing go quietly.

And Janet Jackson "fell ill" during a soundcheck in Montreal last night and has been in the hospital, with an undisclosed or undiagnosed ailment since then. No other details have been made available. Janet is 42 years old...

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"I Seem To Have Forgotten To Bathe For Two Days"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:47:00 GMT

The man who has been anointed to run the public schools in good ol' Miami-Dade County has just had his entire affair, in the form of raunchy e-mails, splashed across the front pages of everything from his local paper to Gawker.com.

Normally, we wouldn't make a big deal of a guy or gal having an affair, even if one of them is in Alberto Carvalho's esteemed position, but we'll make an exception for how perfectly insane these messages are...

Former Miami Herald reporter Tania deLuzuriaga, pictured above, now a 27-year-old staffer for the Boston Globe, met Carvalho when she was covering education for the Florida paper. Soon after, source and confidant got personal:

From: Tania
Subject line: “Fuzzy.”
“It occurred to me while I was riding that I seem to have forgotten to bathe the past two days. I also haven’t shaven since I left Miami. Thought you might like that image. If you say you’d still go down on me I’ll call you a liar. Hope your day is wonderful. I love you.”
Subject line: "Re: Fuzzy"
“Don’t shave. Wanna are it." [His Blackberry meant to say "Wanna see it," but this is way better.]

If you think that's TMI territory, wait'll you check out her next one:

“Will you be completely offended if I leap into your arms the next time I see you (place permitting)? Like in the movies, with arms and legs wrapped around. Like what I wanted to do Thursday and didn’t and when I said I wanted to you asked why I didn’t…love, love, love you xoxoxo.”

Oy vey... is this 44-year-old married man that much of a mess that he thinks a happy then-26-year-old who is naked in front of him doesn't want him? By the way, you might be wondering how all these e-mails leaked... and why... we're betting Carvalho's wife found them and went to the press just to humiliate him and gain the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Or something else. What do you think?

Via Miami New Times. Photo by Jonathan Wiggs.

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This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:17:00 GMT

Besides Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan finally admitting their obvious gayness, there were a couple more newsworthy stories floating out there this week:

A teenage boy has been condemned to die in Iran because he is a homosexual.

The gay marriage fight in DC is nearing its end, as the City Council is almost ready to pass a bill making it legal.

Ian McKellen will tour British schools to teach kids about tolerance. And elves.

I’ve been busy at quite a few schools recently. I went to a wonderful co-ed faith school in Harpenden.
'They were Christians and absolutely determined that their pupils did not discriminate.
They invited me to come and give prizes to 13-year-olds in front of the parents and to talk, partly, about being gay.

'I said that we are all part of a minority group – be it for being short, or tall or fat or thin, or having red hair or whatever. I said hands up who thinks they are part of a minority group and all the hands went up.

A Queensland city agency has ruled a pro-gun, anti-gay nutjob is guilty of inciting hatred for a sticker he displayed that read: "Gay Rights? Under God's law the only rights gays have is the right to die."

A Lousville, Kentucky McDonald's employee is being investigated by the state's Human Rights Commission after the following incident:

Ryan Marlatt, Teddy Eggers, and three other friends had stopped for lunch at the McDonald's restaurant on July 26, 2008, while visiting Louisville for the weekend. While they waited for their food to be prepared, an employee behind the counter referred to them as "faggots" to another employee. Marlatt and Eggers asked to speak with a manager. As they waited for the supervisor on duty to appear, the employee who had called them "faggots" started arguing with them, repeatedly calling them "faggots" in front of other customers and calling one of them a "cocksucker" and "bitch."

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New Zealand Teacher In Hot Water For Her Other Job As A Hooker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:04:00 GMT

A teacher in Auckland, New Zealand is in danger of losing her job after it was reported that she was streetwalking after class. (Only way this story could be better: if the stool pigeon was a john and the father of one of her charges.)

But there's, as always if we're bothering to report the story, a twist, if you haven't figured out what it is already...

The woman, who was not identified in news reports, is completely within her legal rights to work as a prostitute, since hooking is legal in NZ. Of course, that never stopped a crusading school board:

The newspaper, which did not name the teacher or her school, said a parent told the teacher's principal, who was balancing a possible negative reaction from parents with the woman's right to work in a job which [is legal.]

The teacher, as you may have imagined, told the school board it's none of their damn business what she does with her time. Better yet: she's a primary school teacher. Would the kids even care? And best of all: she's in her 30s and the (single?) mother of two children. Great, School Board People, your possible decision to fire her wouldn't affect her or her family at all...

Via 3 News.

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Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Ashley Herzog is a college student at Ohio University and a blogger for Town Hall, one of the last bastions of conservatism in a medium overrun by liberal outlets like the New York Post, the Washington Times, the Utah Herald Journal, and, of course, those Commie pinko queers at Fox News.

Herzog is atypical of college students-- and we mean besides the fact that she doesn't support lowering the drinking age to 18 (or 12, as we've always favored.) Here's part of her recent post about Back To School stuff:

When school starts in the fall, many college students will be paying exorbitant tuition to universities that offer a silver platter of worthless courses: classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music. While some of these classes are easy to spot as non-educational, others masquerade under legitimate-sounding names in mainstream academic departments.
As an Ohio University senior who has sat through plenty of college junk courses—many of which were required for graduation—I’ve compiled a list classes for incoming freshmen to avoid.

Well, we're pretty sure classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music were not required, you nitwit. And we're pretty sure even a liberal warhorse like, um, Ohio University has one or two classes up your conservative alley.

So, what are those classes we thinking people should avoid, Ash?

Don’t register for English classes that revolve around the writings of some allegedly oppressed group, such as “Gay and Lesbian Literature” or “Women and Writing.” These classes typically have nothing to do with great, or even good, literature.
Avoid classes that teach American history not as it actually happened, but as the professor thinks it should have happened. Check out the required texts before registering. If the professor uses books like Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States (which claims that American leaders orchestrated the Civil War to halt the impending socialist revolution), don’t waste your money

Well, having read that book we can say the reason you're upset with it is because it doesn't present the world the way the conservative movement would like to see it. And sorry, Ashley, but sometimes that's the way things go...

Read the rest of her Drudge Report audition here. PS: The "Ow, My Eyes" thing refers to not her looks but her words.

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I Love Myself For Hating You: Paul Dano

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:28:00 GMT

This post was written by Sean Flanagan, who is filling in for Verena...

I hate Paul Dano, straight up. I’m sorry, kid's a douchebag.

I have had the unfortunate experience of sharing two classrooms with Paul Dano, star of There Will Be Blood and other recent hits. The kid is a shitbag, and film classes at Eugene Lang College in New York? Not exactly the biggest stressor I have ever encountered. More like, if you have seen enough movies, you have the basis to geek out and talk about it.

Paul Dano, though, sucked the life out of the room. Then when he had to do reshoots for Little Miss Sunshine, he was forced to skip finals. Not only was he passed along, with his finals taken care of for him, he got several EXTRA credits for being a working professional.

Another semester, roughly one year later, it happened again. Instead of midterms or attending class, he had to go to L.A. for the Academy Awards.

Then the Nylon (for Guys) article came out. Maybe the writer is a shit, but it begins in the largest sense of douche I’ve ever read:

A street corner in New York’s unassuming Tompkins Square Park isn’t the first place one would expect an actor to suggest meeting for an interview, but then, Paul Dano isn’t what you would expect of an actor.

Seriously. Hipster Manhattan Bar zone... is a surprise? They go on to meet in… a coffee shop. And discuss the pressures of impending fame.
Now, Paul Dano has added another modern film “genius” to his resume: Ang Lee is joining the roster of Spike Jonze, Paul Thomas Anderson, Todd Solondz and Richard Linklater.

Taking Woodstock is the next film, A comedic period piece (what Ang Lee seems to do best) regarding how the famous Woodstock festival came to be.

Rolling Stone defines it as being the true story of

Elliot Tiber [Demitri Martin], who inadvertently played a pivotal role in Woodstock when he offered his family’s Catskills hotel to organizers as a home base, while his neighbor Max Yasgur (Eugene Levy) offered his farm”

I was supposed to work on this film. The day I didn’t get it, Paul Dano was cast. Meanwhile, Todd Solondz was about to cast a friend of mine in his next film, Life During Wartime; he went with Paul Dano. Dano has worked with, and quite often sucked the oxygen away from some of my favorite actors (Gael Garcia Bernal and Michelle Williams come to mind.)

So, Paul Dano, who has also joined a band in apparent lack of ability to express himself, you are my archenemy. You are joining the ranks of Gwen Paltrow and Morgan Freeman. Stay out of my way and don’t career cock block me and I will try to stop telling everyone I meet how useless of a human being you are.

DISCLAIMER: I am aware that a fraction of this anger is jealousy. I would love to have his career and work with the people he has met. However, I also do not think he has deserved all of these blessings and would rather give these chances to an actor like Ben Foster.

DISCLAIMER #2: Opinions of our guest bloggers do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Scanner bloggers, Nerve, or the world at large.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Wonderful: right as Michael Lohan is tearing his daughter's life apart, his father dies. Maybe Michael will reassess his values now that the guy had to go out right in the middle of an embarrassingly public family dispute.

We missed out on Michael Phelps giving swimming lessons at the Y.

Is David Duchovny having an affair of just trying to promote his show, Californication, with this latest shocking report?

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. [His reps] declined to elaborate further.
Duchovny plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series...

In Other News:

John McCain will announce his VP today in a bad to take Obama down a notch after last night's historic speech.

Talk about historic: a man proposed to his lady at Mile High, right as Al Gore took the stage-- and Wonkette was sitting right behind them!

BREAKING: The RNC is considering delaying the start of the convention because of Hurricane Gustav... they don't want a reminder of Katrina hanging over their convention... Scott McClellan thinks this will allow Bush to blow off the convention unnoticed, since he is a political liability anyway... read more at the Washington Post.

By the way, this is the greatest post you'll read all day. Even if you don't agree with its politics, you'll certainly (we hope) agree that sicko religious zealots should be laughed out of stadiums everywhere:

Y'all remember the AP report of a "short video produced by Focus on the Family Action shows a man with an umbrella talking about his wish for rain as he stands in front of Invesco Field [before Obama spoke there]. The man in the video explains his desire for rain by saying he's against abortion and gay marriage and says he's "just an ordinary guy" who's looking for people to pray for rain?"

And y'all remember how hurricane Katrina was supposed to be God's punishment for New Orleans sinful ways?

So what will y'all think if next week's Republican Convention (yawn) is eclipsed by landfall in the US of not one but two hurricanes?

Y'all think there's a lesson in there somewhere? [End of post - Ed.]

A school district near Atlanta lost its accreditation, the first such case in 40 years, mainly for ethics violations by board members.

And Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potsmoker movies, is doing his first stripping/naked/sex scene-- or something like that. He's "stripping off for"

his first sex scene for Cherry Bomb and is excited about the flick.
'I loved the script,' he tells The Metro. 'It was quite a challenge.'

Getting naked is nothing, Rupert. Hell, Daniel Radcliffe does that every night. (PS: Hmmm... Cherry Bomb, you say? How can we be sure it's not some Virgin Teens Dot Com movie or something?)

Image via AOL.

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