Scanner : scarlett johansson

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

Who Is Vanity Fair's Most Beautiful Woman in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

People Magazine has The Sexiest Man Alive. Maxim has its Sexiest Woman of the Year. Vanity Fair, desperate to singlehandedly save Conde Nast, has just announced the winner of its Most Beautiful Woman in the World poll. Of course, the press release makes no mention of a followup contest involving men, since that wouldn't sell at the newsstand.

First of all, is their #1 choice the right one or was ~~Kate Beckinsale~~ ~~Kate Winslet~~ ~~Scanners Emily/Colleen~~ unfairly snubbed?

7. Queen Rania of Jordan. Are we crazy or is the only media outlet in the world that even mentions her starts with a "V" and ends with an "anity Fair?" They must be bestfriendsforver with the Queen, because Graydon Carter's staff mentions her every chance they get.

6. Bar Rafaeli. This girl's agent is seriously working overtime-- he got her a date and (probably) a fake relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio, the cover of Sports Illustrated, and onto this list without anyone even knowing who she is. That's not to say we dislike her-- seriously, we're impressed with her sudden success.

5. Jennifer Connelly. Jennifer Connelly is too skinny to be as beautiful as she was even five years ago. End of story.

4. Penelope Cruz. While our comments above could hold weight here, we decided not to diss Penelope after all. She is thin, yes, but she's not hideous for it-- and she couldn't be more beautiful the way she is now.

3. Scarlett Johansson. Arguably the most desirable woman in the world, Scarlett Johansson has seemed a bit less appealing lately. That has nothing to do with our getting used to her beauty and everything to do with her vicinity to Ryan Reynolds

2. Giselle Bundchen. She was our pick for #1, if only because she's on the cover of Vanity Fair this month. Apparently, that wasn't enough to put her over the top... meaning there's a surprise winner...

1. Angelina Jolie. Agree or disagree?

Via Vanity Fair.

Who Would You Rather: Brad Pitt vs. Every Other Man in the World?

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Trend Alert: Women Leaving Men For Other Women

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Happy National Cleavage Day

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:01:00 GMT

To celebrate this Wonderbra-sponsored holiday we will not push our own meager girls up, or even try to pretend we can make them look any bigger than the little apples they are. Instead we take look back at some of our favorite boob/cleavage/nip slip stories over the years. Enjoy. And you're welcome.

Beer-Crushing Breasts Get No Respect [October, 2007]

Happy Halloween! Your 10-Year-Old Is Showing Cleavage. [October, 2007]

Who is Katie Price and Why is Her Nipple All the Way Over There? [February, 2008]

Yes, Christina Aguilera Has Humongous Breasts [April, 2008]

The Open-Source Boob Project: How to Get Your Grope On Sci-Fi Convention Style [April, 2008]

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra [April, 2008]

The Life-Saving Power of Breasts [May, 2008]

Yes, Christina Aguilera Has Humongous Breasts [May, 2008]

Me, Myself and My Breasts [June, 2008]

34FFF Breasted Sheyla Hershey Stacks Another Boob Job On There [June, 2008]

Coffee And Nuts Will Give You Manboobs [September, 2008]

Co-Ed Magazine Picks The 52 Best All-Natural Breasts... [October 2008]

Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It [November 2008]

Amy Fisher Has a New(de) Pay-Per-View Special [January, 2009]

Arby's is Not Even Trying [February, 2009]

Woman Gets Breast Cancer, So Workplace Finds An Excuse To Fire Her [February, 2009]

eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant [March, 2009]

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

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Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Is Not A Slut

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Doctors have figured out how to prevent a large number of miscarriages.

Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell are in talks to play villains in Iron Man 2.

If Jeremy Piven turns out to have lied about his mercury poisoning, he could be in deep sheeeeiittt:

According to the New York Post, many involved with the production are pushing to have Piven's high mercury claims examined by a non-musclebound, non-teevee doctor, and they're hoping the result may "squeeze some money out of him."

[U]nder the Actors' Equity contract, the producers are entitled to have Piven's medical records examined by another doctor. If they suspect fraud, they can sue him. [Defamer]

Scarlett Johansson wants to open a brothel... in a movie.

Paris Hilton claims she's only slept with a few guys. In other news, "a few" is now "less than eight hundred."

Isn't there anyone besides Nicole Richie who could star in the Gossip Girl season finale?

Guy Ritchie's heist movies have such brilliant robbery ideas, these dudes decided to plagiarize one.

And Oklahoma introduced legislation to prohibit the teaching of evolution in schools. You'll know America has emerged from the dark ages when laws start getting passed that prevent anything besides evolution from being taught as possible fact.

And Ione Skye (star of Say Anything and River's Edge) and Ben Lee (ex-boyfriend of Claire Danes) married in India.

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Sloppy Seconds: What Pete Wentz Likes Even More Than Taking Pictures of His Penis

Going On a Manhunt in the 1980's...

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Deep Throat died. No, not Linda Lovelace, silly.

Senator Norm Coleman is now down to a six vote lead over Al Franken, with more troublesome decisions likely to go his opponent's way.

This is a family that truly deserves coal in their stockings: a 21-year-old woman and her father have sued the victim of the car crash that killed her boyfriend, which she caused while driving drunk. The woman served only four months in prison and is lucky to be alive-- but that's not enough for her. Now, she's suing everyone in sight to somehow come out ahead in all this. Disgraceful, despicable, and (we wish) deport-able.

Check out this eye-catching ad for How I Met Your Mother, which is in the form of photographic reenactments of 2008's most memorable moments.

U2's next album will be out on March 3rd.

How'd you like to grow up in this (nut)house? An Arkansas family just welcomed their 18th child.

The Scarlett Johansson snot rag is selling for over 2 million dollars... if you believe anyone is actually going to pay for this auction.

And HBO greenlit a show starring Thomas Jane that revolves around a man and his massive dong. We're dead serious.

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

Scarlett Johansson Sells Snot on Ebay

Scanner Matt — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:43:00 GMT

The stuffed-up Scarlett Johansson, who claims she has Samuel L. Jackson's germs, thinks her liquid mucus is liquid cash. What a jerk.

Both Leno and Johansson were so amused with themselves on the Tonight Show last night, it was more sickening than actually watching Johansson blow her nose and look at it before she packages it up for an Ebay auction, which can be found here.

Related:

Leaked Photos: Jessica Alba Airbrushed, Before and After

Damsels in Distress

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The Day Hugh Hefner Almost Swallowed a Sex Toy

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:03:00 GMT

Plugging his new book "Mr. Playboy" in an interview with Extra, Hugh Hefner opens up about his split with Holly Madison, who he would like to pose for playboy and the day he nearly choked on a sex toy.

We're not all that surprised that Hefner wants Angelina Jolie and/or Scarlett Johansson to pose for his magazine or that he was "blindsided" by his break-up from Madison, but we will now most certainly buy the "Mr. Playboy" based purely on what he claims is its "most shocking revelation."

“Probably an incident that occurred back in the late seventies where I almost swallowed a sex toy.”

We can't imagine a better way to sell a book. Seriously, Hef, you know how to leave a crowd hanging. What was going on when you almost swallowed it? Did you choke? What kind of sex toy? And, most importantly, what were you wearing? (Imaginary scenarios encouraged in the comments section!)

Yet another book to add to our grown-up Christmas list.

[Faded Youth: HUGH HEFNER: “I ALMOST SWALLOWED A SEX TOY”]

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Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

Who Will Play Playboy Hugh Hefner in the Story of His Life?

Naked Pamela Anderson and Old Hugh Hefner: Unblurred

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Hugh Hefner's Teenage Twin Girlfriends: Girls in the Cell Next Door

Naked Pamela Anderson and Old Hugh Hefner: Unblurred

Sloppy Seconds: Will the Real ScarJo Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:44:00 GMT

Contrary to earlier reports, some speculate that Guy Ritchie will not let Madonna walk away from their marriage with her entire fortune intact. Apparently, Madge has settled with Ritchie for "at least 50 million pounds." [PerezHilton]

A blogger accused of leaking Guns 'n Roses' "Chinese Democracy" has plead guilty. He will now be forced to drink lots and lots of Dr. Pepper while listening to "November Rain" on repeat. (Not really.) [Yahoo!]

Can we just name this damn recession already? [NYT]

We weren't even aware that people still watched Survivor, or really that it was even still on the air, but if you are one of the few who cares here's a spoiler. [People]

Gentlemen beware, apparently there's a fake Scarlett Johansson wandering the streets... and she's giving interviews to magazines. [MSNBC]

E! Names Another Obscure Woman as the Hottest in the World

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:35:00 GMT

And, what the hell, you won't have heard of their #2 choice either...

Lingerie model Karolina Kurkova has been voted the world's sexiest woman by E! entertainment television, beating sultry actresses Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson for the honor.
Czech Kurkova, ranked by Forbes magazine as one of the world's highest paid models, was dubbed by E! as "she of the mysterious belly button" due to media speculation about what appears to be an unusually smooth navel.

Of course, if you're a devoted reader of Scanner, you may have actually heard of this woman before. Remember this, from back in June?

Does this woman look "fat" to you? Well, according to one Brazillian newspaper, the #6 highest-paid supermodel in the world isn't ready for the runway, and other outrageous statements for which "WTF?" seems too polite a reply.
According to several sources, none of which named the "local paper" in Brazil that made the alleged comments about Karolina Kurkova during Sao Paolo Fashion Week, the Victoria's Secret hottie, who made $5 million last year, was derided for having
back fat, love handles, and cellulite.

Sympathy vote? Or just a random asshole who thought he'd get himself some free publicity from attacking the (future) hottest woman in the world? Either way, we don't care.

The #2? Leo DiCaprio's old flame Bar Rafaeli:

Super-Thin Supermodel Attacked For Being "Fat?"

Yes, We'd Like A Lifetime Supply of Pronto Condoms, Please

64-Year-Old Woman's Nude Picture Sells For 10,000 Euros

Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

Hot or Not? Cindy Crawford at 42

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

While You Were Sleeping: Winona Ryder OD'd

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:27:00 GMT

Scarlett Johansson doesn't mind that "I Kissed A Girl" is a bland Jill Sobule ripoff. Hell, she's flattered to be the inspiration for the song.

Joe Biden's son Beau is on his way to Iraq... and possibly the Senate in 2010.

Twilight is getting some disappointing reviews ahead of its Friday release.

The funny, lively banter -- the way in which Edward and Bella teased and toyed with one another about their respective immortality and humanity -- is pretty much completely gone, and all that's left is a slog of adolescent angst." [AP via EW]

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are planning a low-key wedding, probably for fear that Maxim readers don't find out where it is and try to sabotage it.

A guy who wrote two Marx Brothers movies and parts of The Wizard of Oz has died.

And the world's dumbest rapper has received 20 years in prison after bragging about a shooting in his own rap song.

Winona Ryder took too many Xanax to combat her fear of flying and ended up in the hospital. Rumor has it she repeatedly collapsed in first class before the plane landed...

Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

And Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Is...

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Sloppy Seconds: What Does LiLo Have Against ScarJo?

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:09:00 GMT

We love Brian Williams and we love food courts (our first job was at Chinese Delight in the Independence Center, yo) so it should come as no surprise that we really love that NBC's Brian Williams loves to eat in food courts. [Parade]

Disney meal ticket Miley Cyrus was killed by a drunk driver over the weekend. Except totally not at all! [MTV]

Michael Jackson is being sued by the future king of Bahrain after Jackson supposedly backed out of a recording contract. [Radar]

How much fashion is really involved in the Victoria's Secret fashion show? Because we just see lots of skin. [NY Daily News]

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson was the inspiration behind Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl?" [People]

Could that be why Lindsay Lohan is no fan of Scarlett Johansson. Probably not. Two years after LiLo wrote some nasty words about ScarJo on a New York bathroom stall, Johansson still has no idea why LiLo hates her. [Us]

Feet Magazine So Gross, Even Foot Fetishists Will Puke

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:32:00 GMT

(No) thanks to the reader who alerted us to the gross/amusing oddity that is Feet Magazine.

The blog, which features unseemly extreme close-ups of toes and cuts on the feet of Hollywood stars (including this one of Denise Richards.)

The pictures on Feet Magazine are about 20 times larger than this one, of Scarlett Johansson's toes, ankles, and a very blue carpet. If you want to see what we're talking about, just start browsing here.

Why do people even want to see extreme close ups of feet? An ex-girlfriend who worked in brain mapping in DC explained one general theory: that in the map of your brain, the feet are right next to your sex organs on your sensory map. Some people, if we remember the argument correctly, have the feet part overlapping the genitals part and so they are extra-excited by feet. (It doesn't, to our mind explain why someone else's feet would be so thrilling, versus having your own feet caressed.) Perhaps we'd better let an expert explain this phenomenon:

From a review of the book Phantoms in the Brain, about research conducted on people who could "feel" their lost limbs and even experienced iches in nonexistent nooks that drove them crazy.

[O]ne of the more memorable examples was the woman who developed sexual feelings in her phantom foot. It turns out the parts of the brain that process sensory information for the feet are adjacent to those for the sexual organs (according to the Penfield map). Assuming that the latter brain area expands thanks to the sensory vacuum created by the missing leg, it seems reasonable to think that the feeling in the phantom limb might be a mixture between the two. This may also account for foot fetishes. Interesting.

Spray Away Your Premature Ejaculation

Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

New Lady Gel is Going to Make Your Mom Feel Funny "Down There"

Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Some of the Hottest Women in the Country All Got Naked Together

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The guy who ate the last mango in Paris passed away in Key West. (By the way, to get the song out of your head, listen to it here.)

See, raising a public stink does send the right message sometimes: a baby born in India to a surrogate mother was allowed to leave with her Japanese father, even though the law says her mother was supposed to accompany here.

Guess who helped Ryan Reynolds at the New York City Marathon? And no, it wasn't Scarlett Johansson...

"(During the race) I thought a lot about my father [who had Parkinson's] and Michael and the 500,000 other people afflicted with this awful disease in the United States alone. I ran for those who can't...

"When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so."

It's possible a man with the last name of Kennedy could have just set George W. Bush's public disgrace in motion...

A judge has ordered the Justice Department to produce White House memos that provide the legal basis for the Bush administration's post-Sept. 11 warrantless wiretapping program.
U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy Jr. signed an order Friday requiring the department to produce the memos by the White House legal counsel's office by Nov. 17. He said he will review the memos in private to determine if any information can be released publicly without violating attorney-client privilege or jeopardizing national security.

Kennedy issued his order in response to lawsuits by civil liberties groups in 2005 after news reports disclosed the wiretapping.

Paris Hilton says men used her for sex. That's just not true, dear, we love you for your brilliant intellect.

Circuit City is going to close more than 150 stores, rumor has it.

The more we hear about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie, the better it sounds. Check out where he ended up yesterday. By the way, the above photo is of Governor Ahnuld getting accosted by Bruno and the Bruno film crew: some say it was staged for the film, which is entirely possible, although Schwarzenneger has not made a cameo in years. We, however, want to remind you that the Governor of California could never act well enough to make the above, very-convincing "distress face" on cue...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Third Iron Man

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A while back, we told you about the man in Duncanville, Texas facing trial for operating a swingers club out of his home. He was convicted yesterday of misdemeanor charges that had accused him of operating a sex "business."

Now Playboy is selling off its art collection to help stay afloat.

An anonymous blogger for The Frisky talked about her labiaplasty:

My unruly butterfly wings—otherwise known as my labia—interfered with my sexual activities. Riding a bike for more than 15 minutes? Painful. Camel toe? Obvious. Intercourse? Lube did little to relieve all that smooshing, pulling, stretching, especially when condoms were involved.
And then there were the unsolicited anatomical editorials that I’d received over the years, ranging from the respectfully observant, “You’re very floral,” to the horrifying, “Damn, girl. You got a fat p***y!,” to the complimentary, “Actually, I like it full and lippy ... That’s my thing.”

Obnoxious jerks that we are, we thought only dudes had problems with bike seats. Meanwhile...

This is a very interesting rundown of Senate and Congressional races in the A through H states.

Britney Spears will have her financial and business affairs permanently overseen by Papa Spears.

Michael Caine and Scarlett Johansson will host the Nobel concert on December 11th, featuring Diana Ross, Feist and others.

The Iron Man crew is doing The Avengers as well? Then we're suddenly excited for that one...

And Steven Page of Barenaked Ladies fame is not going to have to do hard time.

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You Know, You Look Just Like...

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Apparently, I have "one of those faces." Or so everyone likes to tell me. People I meet always tell me I look like someone. Strangely, more than a few people have told me I look like their best friend from elementary school (does that mean I have a baby face?) but most often, there are the celebrity comparisons. They have changed over the years, with my hair color and weight fluctuations. While they started as not so bad, there were a few years in there when I wanted to scream, and lately I've been really happy when someone says, "You know, you look a lot like...."

From about age 8 to 14, I had long, straight dirty blonde hair. I parted it down the middle and wore baggy t-shirts. I was always told I looked like Veda, from "My Girl," played by Anna Chlumsky.

As I got older, and a little fatter, a certain intern was sleeping with a president. So, especially considering I wore too much make-up at the time, it took me a few years to live down "a blonde Monica Lewinsky."

When I moved to New York at 18, I lost the hair and kept the weight. "The Osbournes" was incredibly popular on MTV and a comparison to Kelly was inevitable... and painful.

Eventually, I let my hair grow out, lost some weight and stopped wearing so much make-up. At that point, I had (and believe me, I counted) four people (including my chiropractor) told me I looked like Scarlett Johansson. I still treasure this comparison, and though don't see it, I'll take it!

Now that "Mad Men" is so popular, and I've taken to wearing red lipstick again I hear "Joan from Mad Men" (played by Christina Hendricks) at least twice a week. I'm obviously very okay with this comparison. But it's amazing what a hair style, the right make-up and a few pounds will do. I don't think I actually look(ed) like any of these people... well, except maybe Veda. Even I saw that one.

Who do you look like? Or who have you looked like over the years? The good, the bad and the ugly. Bring it.

Sloppy Seconds: Where Joe Biden Stands on Prop8

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:22:00 GMT

Attention Mad Men fans, the show has been renewed for a third season. [Radar]

Lil' Wayne is expecting an even lil'er Wayne in just a couple of days. [MTV]

Maybe it's just the hair in this picture (and the bad facial hair and hats in other pictures) but are we the only ones who think Brad Pitt is not getting better with age? [People]

Scarlett Johnansson will host the 15th Annual Nobel Peace Prize Concert on December 11 in Oslo, Norway. Set to appear are Diana Ross and Feist. [Faded Youth]

Apparently Sarah Silverman is not so popular in the U.K. [BBC]

Our Internet was out for most of the day, so we watched a lot of television and we heard it with our own ears: Joe Biden said he'd vote "No" on Proposition 8 if he lived in California. So, just because he may think personally that a marriage should be between a man and a woman, he doesn't want to inflict that on other people. And we can at least live with that, we guess. Also, we're pretty sure he kissed Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the lips.

Sloppy Seconds: Has Colin Powell Finally Made Up His Mind?

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Would Like You to Schlep Your Jew Ass To Florida and Save the F*cking World Already

[Image]

Co-Ed Magazine Picks The 52 Best All-Natural Breasts...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:52:00 GMT

...in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, of course. Gotta love the shameless ploy...

Here are our ten more-or-less SFW favorites... in no particular order, mind you.

Rosario Dawson

Scarlett Johansson

Monica Belluci

Elizabeth Hurley

Bridget Bardot

Salma Hayek

What, no America Ferrera?

Unfortunately, the 52 listed all big breasted babes. You know what they say about variety, guys: we could have used some smaller boobs on that survey. And another thing: we heard Keeley Hazell's boobs are, in fact, silicone, so we ruled her out even though Co-Ed included her (and at #2!) Read the rest of their list here, which contains NSFW images galore...

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Coffee And Nuts Will Give You Manboobs

Pamela Anderson's Boobs Did Not Kill Hugh Hefner

Boobs for Barack

For Every Action, There Is An Equal And Opposite (Man Boob) Reaction...

Cooking With Your Balls

And Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Last year, Esquire used the above photo to tantalize readers about its upcoming Sexiest Woman pick. That woman turned out to be Charlize Theron, who doesn't repeat her win in 2008.

...thankfully not Lindsay Lohan. Or even Megan Fox. (Did you miss our announcement yesterday, thanks to Scanner Emily? Don't worry, we reveal it now, with glorious celebratory photos, below.)

Nope, this is a blast from the past, thank God. (Thank God, that is, we actually knew who this woman was before today's revelation...)

According to our friends at CNN.com, the winner had this to say for herself:

"I don't know exactly what it means, but being 42 and having just had a baby, I think I'll take it..."
"Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being," she says. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments."
"I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment," she says.

Figured it out yet? Too late now, you've probably already peeked below...

No, that's not a young Alicia Keys... that's a wham-bam-thank-you-mam hot Halle Berry almost ruined by Esquire's product placement... but really, has there ever been a photo where Halle Berry didn't look 100% fantastic?

Photos via Just Jared. Story via CNN.

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Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

Breakup of the Week: Wave Goodbye to Halle Berry's Glorious Pregnancy Breasts

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture?

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:59:00 GMT

Melissa Etheridge plans to marry her long-time love, Tammy Lynn Michaels. [Us]

Phish will reunite for a 2009 tour. We didn't know they broke up, but yay for Phisheads. [MTV]

If, like us, your invitation to Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds' wedding got lost in the mail, you can read all about it here. [People]

And apparently Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are planning to marry, too. [FadedYouth]

Not only is Robert Downey, Jr. the perfect choice to play Hugh Hefner, he's apparently also perfect to play Sherlock Holmes. [Yahoo!]

Watch Sarah Palin play the flute. Or not. [Radar]

Or, watch Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Barbara Walters argue over Palin. Honesty, it's more fun. [MollyGood]

We hate cigarettes as much as—or more than-the next guy (or gal), but we're a little miffed that the cigarette was removed from this iconic image of Bette Davis from "All About Eve" for her postage stamp. [NFDHD]

Related:

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Bette Davis Eyes: 41 Cents

The Miramax Telethon: Has Anything Good Ever Won An Oscar?

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Is there even more "Sex and the City" in our future? [Us]

If you're just dying to hear Britney Spears' new single "Womanizer," here: [Radar]

Thank the God in heaven (who we don't really believe in): Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View (that we don't really watch) for Fox News (which we absolutely don't watch). [PopCrunch]

Is there trouble in Olsen Twin paradise? But not double trouble (har, har). [MollyGood]

Cynthia Nixon is very pleased with Brad Pitt these days. [People]

"It would be a disgrace and a humiliation if Barack Obama does not win," according to Woody Allen. [Yahoo!]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's Rock Star Performance

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

This is not a joke or a rumor we're trying to start about Sarah Palin, but apparently her personal email account (that she used to conduct government business) has been hacked. [techPresident]

Is it bad to laugh at this headline? [Naked Man Running Through Traffic Dies]

Okay, but we can laugh at this one, right? [R. Kelly says he was betrayed during porn probe]

Whatever you do, do not send Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx your happy endings. [Defamer]

Dane Cook has five sisters and he's still a douche. Interesting. [People]

Think what you will about her intelligence, style and talent, but Jessica Simpson's new album debuted at the top of the Billboard country chart. [Us]

Finally! We'll learn a little something about Carrie Bradshaw before she made her way to (and in) the Big Apple. [FadedYouth]

Scarlett Johansson would like you to recycle your old cell phone. Um, okay! [TeamSugar]

FLWLF (First Lady We'd Like to Fuck), Carla Bruni-Sarkozy rocked out with The Kings of Leon and Metallica on the BBC. [Yahoo!]

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:07:00 GMT

When in Atlantic City, it's probably best not to approach total strangers about marijuana purchases:

Police said the drug deal went sour when the man took them to a desolate road in Egg Harbor Township near the Atlantic City International Airport, pulled and gun and forced them to strip before dumping their purses and robbing them.

Every time Obama speaks, an angel... has an orgasm?

How does Hugh Hefner choose his Playboy bunnies?

“We don’t go for glamour — what we are looking for is a very natural girl-next-door look,” he told Pop Tarts. “I think that’s what set things at the very beginning — what set the Playmate centerfolds apart.”
“Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie,” he said [are the hottest women in the world.]

Damien Hirst sold a painting of a pickled shark for almost ten million pounds. We're not sure what a pickled shark is, but it sounds mighty tasty!

Comedian Al Franken is tied with incumbent Senator Norm Coleman in Minnesota's hottest (not in the "sexy") race.

Speaking of SNL, Amy Poehler is not returning to the show after her planned maternity leave.

And what do we think of Katherine McPhee's outfit? Hot or... dreadful?

Photo via Egotastic.

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Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Rachelle Leah Is Playboy's November Cover Girl

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:43:00 GMT

A Baltimore cult starved a 19 month old to death for not saying "amen" before eating dinner. His mother, who was a member of 1 Mind Ministries, has been charged with first-degree murder, which suddenly seems insufficient for prosecuting criminals of this magnitude.

Jason Statham was physically removed from the Playboy Mansion, but it's not for stealing Hugh's stable of blonds...

The members of Velvet Revolver may have chosen their new frontman...

...we hope the rumors of Lenny Kravitz being spotted in a recording studio with the band turn out to be totally untrue.

Is this condom ad too bizarre to be sexy or what?

Let's hope Scarlett Johansson doesn't try another cover album.

This woman lost part of her lawsuit settlement because she'd had some amount of alcohol, any amount of alcohol, at the time she was sexually assaulted.

And not to make light of the above, but we conclude with Carmen Electra's stripping tips, some of which include:

"There's a little trick that I've learned from a few dancers, if you wear thigh-high boots, then you don't hurt your legs as much if you're doing pole work. If you do it, you've got to let go and just feel it. It's okay to sort of learn the steps and know what you're going to do with your movement, but once you get there you just have to let it all go. Don't fake it," she said...

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The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Sloppy Seconds: Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:20:00 GMT

A screen capture from the new Woody Allen film. By the way, that's Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz.

Morgan Freeman that may have had his mistress with him in the car crash that caused him serious harm: it turns out he is also going through a divorce.

British model Katie Price has Olympic fever: she's gearing up for 2012.

Twenty six Texas cheerleaders tried to break a pointless record by stuffing themselves into one elevator. Can you guess what happened?

The elevator successfully descended from the fourth floor to the first, but the doors refused to open.

The panicked girls managed to wiggle a few cell phones free to call for help. But it took about 25 minutes before a repairman was able to fix the door, police said.

Can you picture Toni Braxton or some other sometime A-listers on "Dancing With The Stars?"

Quentin Tarantino is reportedly in talks with Britney's reps about her playing a lesbian stripper in his remake of "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"

Scarlett Johansson dismisses reports her makeout scene with Penelope Cruz is gonna be bonerrific. Learn more about this story in The Screengrab.

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:14:00 GMT

Rumors of tension between He's Just Not That Into You co-stars Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly have been flying around the tabloids and Internets. But another co-star, the super-cute Ginnifer Goodwin, claims the rumors are "absurd."

You know we like to stir things up around here, though, so we have to ask, which He's Just Not That Into You Jennifer would you rather, Aniston or Connelly?

[Us: Aniston Vs. Connelly? Costar Calls Feud Rumors 'Absurd']

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Who Would You Rather, Father-Son Edition: Jakob Dylan vs. Bob Dylan?

Hero of the Day: NJ Citizen Traffic Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Not this guy.

We were in the middle of beating the heat (sounds so dirty) by scarfing down buckets of Yolato gelato yesterday, when we happened to catch this guy on the five o'clock news...

It was on ABC 7 (NY/NJ/CT): a man in what appeared to be a wife beater t-shirt, directing traffic without being asked when the east coast heatwave knocked out area traffic lights. We wish we had a better picture than the one above, but ABC 7 apparently moved on to the latest triple murders and molesting teachers and the wonderful video is not on their website.

Reasons we love the lone man against the traffic guy (the closest America's going to come to the lone student against the tank in Tiananmen Square?):

1) He had absolutely no reason to help. It was hotter than an Eva Mendes-Scarlett Johansson sex tape yesterday and yet he stood out there in the bright sun, making sure other people made it home in one piece.

2) Could have been killed. After last week's story on the hit-and-run in Hartford, we're afraid to cross traffic, let alone stand in the middle of it.

3) Honking, middle fingers, and revving engines. There was no sound from the scene during ABC's broadcast, so who knows if drivers were polite. If they weren't, it may have gotten ugly out there. If it did, our loner only seemed more encouraged as the video guys on, excitedly waving and stopping, motioning and halting.

4) He's probably drunk. It's the middle of the day and he's walking around Northern New Jersey with just an undershirt and apparently has nowhere to be in a hurry? Yeah, he was blitzed out of his gourd. Nonetheless, bonus points for keeping it together.

And for that, he's our Hero of the Day. Every day.

PREVIOUS: Today in the Apocalypse: Hartford Hit and Run

Image via Flickr.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Paris Preggers?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:49:00 GMT

A new abstinence magazine for teenagers. Awesome! We hope it's full of really useful articles like how to get the most pleasure out of your lollipop. [HLA via Jezebel]

Billy Ray Cyrus apparently thinks Annie Leibovitz—who famously shot the infamous photos of a half-naked Miley Cyrus—"is a paparazzi." [MollyGood]

Alanis Morissette wishes her ex-fiance, Ryan Reynolds, well with his new fiance, Scarlett Johansson, but probably still wonders if she'll go down on him in a theater. [People]

Robert Downey Jr. credits Burger King with his sobriety. "I have to thank Burger King. It was such a disgusting burger I ordered. I had that, and this big soda, and I thought something really bad was going to happen." And then what? [GabbyBabble]

Senator Ted Kennedy is resting at home after surgery to treat a brain tumor. [Us]

Supermodel/mean person Naomi Campbell says she wants a baby. [FameCrawler]

But is that worse than the fact that Paris Hilton might be pregnant? Oh please, God, no. [FameCrawler]

Image via famecrawler.com