Scanner : scanner roundtable

Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

I often joke about getting a sugar daddy, but underneath the humor lies some honest interest. Making a career out of freelance writing, I've sort-of condemned myself to a life of poverty, or near poverty anyway. I live paycheck to paycheck, pay my bills late most of the time and am not ashamed to admit I like to buy things—clothes, shoes, nice dinners. And the idea of a sugar daddy sounds sort-of great, doesn't it? Especially in this economy. Getting my bills paid, not having to worry about how anyone is going to finance a car for me with my terrible credit, all the clothes I want... and all in return for just showing an old man a good time? Sure, maybe it's a little like prostitution, but like I've always said, any mutually beneficial agreement between to consensual adults should remain between those two consensual adults.

True, there are plenty of reasons not to do it. I can't imagine having sex with someone I'm not attracted to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little concerned with what other people would think. But if I happened to meet an attractive, intelligent, hilarious man who was also loaded and wanted the pleasure of my company now and then, I'd have a hard time turning that down. The one thing I can't bring myself to do is find a sugar daddy online, though I must say it would be surprisingly easy to do should I find myself suddenly unemployed or with medical bills I couldn't pay. In addition to craigslist ads like this one, there are multiple sites like seekingarrangement.com that match pretty young things up with sugar daddys—and sugar mamas. Until I get that desperate, I'll keep pretending credit cards are free money and joking about the day my Sean Connery type comes along.

But what about you? Could you—would you—get a sugar daddy (or mama)? And if so, under what circumstances?

Related:

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Scanner Roundtable: All the Single Ladies, Would You Date a Guy (or Gal) With Kids?

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Scanner Roundtable: All the Single Ladies, Would You Date a Guy (or Gal) With Kids?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:24:00 GMT

Since moving back to the Midwest, I've encountered something I never had to deal with in New York: dating dads, including one very cute very bearded bartender and multiple suitors from online dating sites. I wrote more extensively on this over at The Frisky last week, but I wonder what the Scanner crowd has to say about it? Could you date a guy with kids? Would it depend on whether he had them full time or not?

Related:

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone. My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

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Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:14:00 GMT

The question posed by our headline is the very question the United Provinces of Canadia is dealing with today, thanks to a case involving the practice that is heating up in the country's courts. Two men linked to Warren Jeffs, the nutso Utah sect leader, currently facing serious jail time, are each of accused of having multiple wives.

Their argument is simple...

Blackmore’s lawyer, Blair Suffredine, said during a telephone interview that marriage standards in Canada have changed.
“If (homosexuals) can marry, what is the reason that public policy says one person can’t marry more than one person?” said Suffredine, a former provincial lawmaker. Canada’s Parliament extended full marriage rights to same-sex couples in 2005. [Canoe]

Before you go and get all excited, remember this: we are creeped out by these Jeffian cultists as much as the next person, but should we promote gay marriage while also saying, "Oh, but yeah... we don't condone that totally medieval practice?" Are we any better than those wacko Republicans who claim gay marriage in America will open the floodgates for people to marry their pet snakes, underage relatives with eight heads, and horny lepers.

P.S. Ironically, it was one gay couple's battles with the legal system reminded them of what polygamists must go through, and that thinking led to their HBO series Big Love.

Related:

Ellen and Portia's Wedding Video Makes Us Cry...

Who Says Homosexuality and Polygamy Are The Same Thing?

Big, Big Love Gone Real, Real Bad

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So today is pretty much the biggest day in all our lives (except for falling in love and having babies and all of those other things other people do). What are you doing to commemorate it?

Over the weekend, Scanner Sister and I went to an "Inaugural Ball" at a local bar and grill. And tonight I'm having people over for a Ball/Potluck. Everyone has to wear either formal attire or dress like an iconic American. I'm DVR'ing CNN and CSPAN all day so we can watch everything all over again tonight. I even got a fancy Nancy Reagan-like vintage gown to wear. I might wear with cowboy boots.

How will you celebrate?

(And are you staying home all day to catch all the festivities on CNN/CSPAN?)

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:27:00 GMT

According to John DeVore, over at The Frisky, it is.

It is surprising to us that he actually opens his story with the line "Blow jobs are overrated," because we've never come across a man who didn't love them, or at least pretend to love them.... oh, sort-of like we've totally pretended to looooove so many of the lukewarm oral sex acts that have been performed on us! But we see it this way: if you're sleeping with someone you have no intention of being in a relationship with, while you might technically owe it to the rest of womankind to tell the guy what he could do better next time, there's really no point in putting out his fire.

But back to blow jobs: we'd like to think—and have been told—we are particularly skilled at such things, but we would imagine that to most men any wet mouth on your hard penis is a wet mouth on your hard penis which is, "like totally amazing," right? Right?

Can a bad blow job be equated to cold pizza (a blow job is a blow job is a blow job, sometimes they're just better one way than another) or should everyone in the world go back to Oral Sex 101?

To Devore, though, skill is irrelevant.

"Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.

"I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all."

Call us old-fashioned, but we sort-of agree with DeVore. As we've told too many people after too many cocktails too many times "~~We'd~~ I'd rather be fucked any day."

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Scanner Roundtable: Facial Hair

Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

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How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:13:00 GMT

The Frisky and Divine Caroline posted a somewhat obnoxious story yesterday about the vagina. (It would've been much better without trying to be cutesy and likable.)

Never mind that-- although it did give us the idea to ask the ladies how they keep their hair down there... and if dudes on Scanner prefer it trimmed, hairy, or-- um-- waxed to the skin at all times. Ouch...

Here's a scenario for you to start with: We asked a ladyfriend if she wouldn't mind trimming a bit, mainly because of access and hair-in-mouth issues during oral sex. But considering we'd rather a woman had little hair there at all than a rain forest to rival the Amazon, we confess to having ulterior motives as well. It just looks hotter this way to us, sorry. (We're also strongly against hair on the legs and under the arms-- sorry again.) Are we totally out of line on this? On the asking and/or the secretly wanting almost no hair there at all?

Just so you know, we fully admit to this very airbrushed/Hollywood/male chauvinist mentality (or whatever you want to call it) about what we're turned on and off by when it comes to a woman's body hair. But try to find a woman that likes a hairy back and ass on a man...

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Ad Agency Sex Scandal Claims One Victim: The Cameraman

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy - the Sequel

Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Your Next Significant Other Should Be...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:12:00 GMT

The Frisky had a post the other day called Your Next Boyfriend: The 100 Qualities He Should Possess.

It created a bit of controversy, mostly blowback from guys who were upset about Entry #13, of course: He "…will be tall."

This, along with some of the other more questionable nominations, got us thinking: what do you want in your next girlfriend, as a response to the Frisky's list, and what should have been on the list or what do you agree/disagree with on the Boyfriend list?

First of all, let's start with Pipi's response:

I think that trying to make a list like this and look for a guy who has all of these qualities will leave you depressed and alone forever. No girl, let alone guy fits all 100 of these things. Id be surprised if I even did half of the things on this list.

And compiler Amelia's reply:

Oh no, it’s not that the guy has to possess everything on this list. It’s that he should possess the qualities on this list that are important to you.

So, keep Amelia's original intentions in mind: what are important qualities to you? We'll start things off:

...will give us the male equivalent of "pampering" once in a while

...will be respectful of our guy friends, even if they don't have the same taste as you, and to not assume all our female friends are ex's

...will give us the benefit of the doubt when we say "no, really, it's just been a rough day."

...will find a city rooftop a pretty romantic place to spend a sunset

And so on... in the comments section, please...

Check out the original story, via the Frisky, before you write in.

Related:

Note to Disney: Stop Hiring Future Porn Stars

Lindsay Lohan is in Love With a Woman But Not a Lesbian

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 15:23:00 GMT

Our friend and her very new boyfriend, who she's not ready to call her boyfriend, are dressing up as Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson for Halloween. While we tried to convince her that if she's dressing up with a guy, and especially as a couple, he's absolutely her boyfriend, we were also thinking about what fun Halloween costumes for couples can be. Dressing up alone is fine, but playing off of someone else makes it even better.

The most creative we ever got was dressing as a mouse while an ex-boyfriend dressed as a cat. It made for some fun later in the night, but it was pretty boring and overly cute as far as couple Halloween costumes are concerned.

So what do you think? Will the streets be filled with Brangelina wannabees this year or do any of you have amazing couple costumes in mind?

A few ideas, both good and bad, after the jump.

Related:

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

**Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes**

Cute Overload Keeps the Pets in Costumes Coming

MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

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Scanner Roundtable: Facial Hair

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Yes, we've discussed this before, but as the temperature drops, more and more men are thinking about facial hair to keep warm. And if they're not, they should be—because other than a big ole' beard we can only think of one more thing to keep that face of yours toasty this winter, and we're saving ourselves for Jim James.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that we love us a man with a beard. But we totally dig mustaches, too. In fact, there are only two kinds of facial hair we are opposed to: the goatee and the chin strap. But, to each his own, so we ask you, Scanner Readers, what's your favorite kind of facial hair (if any) and why?

And it's totally okay if the answer is, "because my dad had a beard." We think.

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Does Stubble = Sex(ier)?

Come Grow With Me and Mustaches for Kids!

New Planned Parenthood PSAs Have A Little Too Much Moustache

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Scanner Roundtable: Could You Date a Bisexual Man? (A Question for the Ladies)

Emily Farris — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:04:00 GMT

Yes, yes. I know this is the plot of an early Sex and the City episode, but it's an issue that's reappeared in my online dating life. A few men who openly identify as "bisexual" have shown interest, but I'm not interested. Perhaps it's because I have one too many gay ex-boyfriends (hey, I was in musical theater in high school) and am too insecure about the whole thing?

But enough about me—ladies, could you date a bisexual man? And homosexual men, how do you feel about dating bisexual men?

["I couldn't help but wonder..."] why are women so much more uncomfortable dating bisexual men than men are dating bisexual women?

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:25:00 GMT

Have you heard of purity rings? Neither had we until this morning, after all the hullabaloo about them at the VMAs last night, but apparently they're what all the cool kids are wearing these days (think Jonas Brothers and American Idol Jordin Sparks). They're like chastity belts, except they're rings. More like a symbol of your chastity, or your marriage to God. And technically, you could even wear a purity ring while fucking. Hell, you could finger someone with the very finger that the purity ring is on. But you won't, of course, because a purity ring stands for something. Take this testimonial from purityrings.com, for example:

I cannot thank PurityRings.com enough. Your company is truly amazing. I bought a purity ring for my daughter - it is stunning. It came to the house within a few days packaged in very nice gift box. Along with the ring there was a beautifully done Purity Certificate (which my daughter signed, we framed and hung on her bedroom wall) and a Prayer and Pledge card. I was a little nervous about how to give her the purity ring, and the people on the telephone at purityrings.com were very helpful with some special ideas and suggestions. I know with God's strength and my daughter's passion to trust Him - she is going to do great in her quest to stay pure and live a Godly life. Thank you - thank you!

Yeah, that girl will have her pants around her ankles in the back of a Chevy Suburban in no time.

When we were 13 we said we were waiting until we got married to have sex. We're 26 and unmarried. That is all.

So yeah, purity rings. What do you think? Completely ineffectual or sweet for the time being?

Previously:

The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?

Scanner Roundtable: What Counts As Cheating?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:15:00 GMT

A Tango story this morning gave us an idea: what do Scanner readers consider cheating? A kiss? A blow job followed by six straight months (but nothing shorter) of sex in a hotel room? What do you think?

We have been taught that the definition of cheating starts with a kiss, and that a physical tryst is the ultimate betrayal. But a lot of other flirtatious behavior can cross into the gray zone. Anything from sexy text messages and phone sex to a lap dance from a stripper and intense lunches with a coworker may not be immediate cause for a break-up, but these acts may be enough to make people re-evaluate what constitutes being unfaithful.

Take Eva, 25, a curator who lives in Chicago. Knee-deep into her relationship with her boyfriend, Rob, she started to feel restless. The sex with Rob was passionless and infrequent. Eva still loved him, but felt a need to jumpstart her love life. One day, she found a three-word email from an ex-boyfriend in her inbox: “How are you?” What started as innocent catch-up emails escalated into graphic reveries about their racy sexual past. Eva felt a thrill she hadn’t felt for months in her relationship with Rob. The ex-boyfriend lived in Italy, so the exchanges never resulted in a face-to-face meeting. Late at night, though, she wondered, “Am I a cheater?”

Damn, if sending e-mails is cheating, we're surprised no one's branded us with a bright-red "A" across our collective chests. But maybe you have a different opinion... let's hear from you in the comments.

Via Tango.

Russian "Cheatr" Photo Group Best, Most Dangerous Photo Group Ever

Nice Girls: Susie Bright on the Compulsion to Stand by Your Man

CBS News Correspondent Embroiled In Career-Defining Sex Scandal

Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

We thought we'd spice up your Friday with the Scanner equivalent of jalapeño peppers.

1) Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

With this post, we swear, we didn't plan it in advance or have any knowledge what would happen would happen.

2) This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

Apparently, Googling "homosexualmania" does not get you this post. Shame.

3) Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Didn't she try for a decade with Tom Cruise? Hasn't she been trying for years? Aren't celebrities so strange they might fake a pregnancy to a) help their careers and/or b) cover for the fact that they adopted/cradle-robbed/did something else to obtain a baby, thinking that, somehow, their box office will plummet if they don't have a "real" birth soon?

4) Is Batman's Crime-Fighting Simply A Cry For Help?

Scanner Nicole muses...

5) "Just A Fun Loving Nerd!!!" Just The Man For Us

Yeah, but those photos gotta be -shopped, right?

6) Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar?

Some are saying Eartha Kitt.

7) Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

It turns out the original New York article has become the the source of the most letters to the editor in that magazine's history...

8) "I Had Sex With My Brother" One Woman's Blue Lagoon

Some questioned our historical accuracy (Brooke Shields was that dude's cousin, after all), some just questioned.

9) Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

We were setting ourselves up for this one. There's still a debate on legal issues in the comments-- wait, it's interesting, we swear!

10) Watch the Homophobic Snickers Ad Pulled From TV

We're not controversial for posting it, we're controversial for associating ourselves with the fellow countrymen who produced it.

Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:47:00 GMT

Willie Nelson is gearing up for a major concert announcement: he and a bunch of other old country and rocker dudes want to put together first, a show attacking the idea of war with Iran and second, to publicize the 9/11 Truth Movement.

This got us thinking: how many of our Scanner readers, you anonymous folks from all over the country (and beyond), think 9/11 involved bombs and explosions in the WTC Towers? And how many of you think the story is complete bullshit?

Fight it out in the comments. Feel free to link to videos, stories, and other stuff (no spam) you think helps your case...

And remember-- no personal attacks. Unless you're funny!

Scanner Roundtable: Bases

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:08:00 GMT

On the car ride home from the best weekend ever that may or may not have involved us drinking too much whiskey and taking a series of pantsless pictures, we questioned a friend about what exactly happened when two people spent the night in her one-person tent. Of course, the subject of bases came up and there was some serious dissent among the car's five passengers.

As far as we're concerned, it goes like this:

1st Base: Kissing

2nd Base: Heavy Petting, Dry Humping, Hand Jobs, and our favorite term, Fingerbanging

3rd Base: Oral

Home: Intercourse

But apparently, many people believe that anything involving hand-gential contact is third. We've found ourselves Googling this topic on more than one occasion, only to be even more confused (maybe it's changed since the 50's?). We're sure someone out there can clear this up for us, though.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Disappointment?

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Open Thread: What's The Dirtiest Thing You Ever Did at Summer Camp?

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

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Scanner Roundtable: Does Stubble = Sex(ier)?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:35:00 GMT

A new research study has concluded that women 18 to 44 overwhelmingly prefer men with stubble to men who are clean shaven or have beards. The research also goes a long way toward explaining this strange phenomenon and the answer is, well... maybe you already figured it out.

The study was conducted by psychologists at Britain's Northumbria University and concluded that

that stubbly men may offer women the best worlds - not too strongly masculine, but mature and with the potential to grow a full beard.
The researchers carried out the study using computer technology to alter pictures of 15 men’s faces so that they displayed different degrees of hairiness. Five levels of facial hair were used - clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, light beard and full beard.
The pictures were shown to 76 women who were asked to rate them for masculinity, aggression, dominance, attractiveness, age, and social maturity. They were also asked how desirable each man would be as a short-term or long-term partner.

Meanwhile, the study determined that men with beards look approxamitely five years older than they really are, plus are considered the least attractive of the five levels of facial-hair thickness. Clearly, Scanner Emily was not invited to participate in this survey.

[E]xperts in human evolution say that that facial hair may be a signal of aggression because it boosts the apparent size of the lower jaw, emphasising the teeth as weapons.

How bizarre... and, um, interesting. Although we don't recall Mike Tyson having any stubble when he bit Evander Holyfield's ear... or even Russell Crowe as anything but clean cut when he turned that phone into a javelin. Oh well... maybe you can help us understand the whole stubble thing, for starters. Does anyone out there prefer men with stubble? Or prefer men not to have it? Why?

Via the Telegraph.

Crush of the Week: Vivienne Westwood's Bear

Scanner Roundtable: The Worst Sex You Ever Had

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:37:00 GMT

Without being so graphic as to be shot down by our commenter SPAM filter, we want to know about the worst sex you ever had.

Scanner Roundtable: Supreme Court Rules Against Executions For Child Rape

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled, by a 5-4 margin (as usual), that the death penalty cannot be used on rapists who do not commit murder.

This immediately affects a case in Louisiana, but Texas was prepared for this possibility.

The decision does not entirely overturn Jessica's Law in Texas, the statute named after Jessica Lunsford, a Florida girl who was abducted and killed in 2005. The ruling invalidates the Texas death provision, but legislators created a fallback position in the statute: Life without parole would apply if capital punishment for child rape was outlawed.

We're against the death penalty in every form, mainly because the idea of someone rotting in prison, closed up in a cubicle the size of our closet for decades on end seems way more fitting for a murderer than a few years in prison and then a quick, possibly painful death. And we read Dead Man Walking when we were about 13, so that could have something to do with it.

What do you think? Did the Supreme Court make the right call or are they whimps? Should the death penalty be legal at all?

Via the Dallas Morning News.

You Asked for a Penis Poll, You Got It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Yesterday's Scanner Rountable on breasts (with which we're pleasantly surprised so far) inspired many requests for a penis poll — which we are all for. So, ladies and gentlemen, here is your penis poll.

Before you get your jockstrap in an uproar over the options presented, you should know we have only five options when putting together these polls. We know that penises come in all shapes and sizes, which is why we created the "other category." Use it.

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

What's More Distracting Than a Pink Elephant in the Room? A Flying Penis in the Room, That's What.

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

Scanner Roundtable: What's Your Karaoke Song?

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Last night we went to karaoke, and instead of pulling out our fail safe songs — "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor and/or "What's Up?" by the 4 Non Blondes — we thought we'd try something new. We went with "Laid" by James.

We of course sang over the radio edits. "She only sings when she's on top?" No, we know what she does when she's on top.

Sure the ditty would get the 20 to 30-something Brooklyn crowd going, we gave it our all, which is a lot. Instead of energizing the crowd, though, we wasted our energy on a room full of bums (save our friends who gladly cheered us on) and the one bearded man we wanted to impress with our early 90's sex/ obsession/ rock sense went to the bathroom during what we thought would be our killer performance.

So, Scanner readers. What is your karaoke song? And does it get the crowd going?

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

sarahhepola — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:00:00 GMT

Another beer bong, another question for the Scanner team. Which costumes got you laid on Halloween? Boy, turns out, we didn't get laid much. We're signing off for the day, but we wish you a Happy Halloween. And we hope you have better luck than we did.

October 31, 1991 (pictured). I’ve had bad luck with Halloween. My mother made me a kick-ass Cinderella costume in kindergarten, and it’s pretty much been downhill from there. As a senior in high school, my boyfriend and I decided to dress like hippies — a costume that not only reflected our hardwon Southern liberalism but also our parents’ embarrassing closets. I’m not sure it got me laid, though frankly, a garbage bag would have gotten me laid in those days, because my boyfriend was just that awesome. But I do remember switching out my cute Limited Express casuals for that weird get-up and realizing I looked kinda, I dunno… hot? I still own this shirt (and the wide-flare cords I wore with it), and while it will take another Halloween costume to get me to tie a scarf around my hair (perhaps my “Christina Aguilera buying Starbucks in the pages of Us Weekly” costume), I think this is probably my best semi-adult costume. Because sometimes you need to dress like someone else to realize that, in real life, you dress kinda stupid. — Sarah Hepola

October 31, 2000. I have never gotten laid because of a Halloween costume. But in my first year of college, I dressed up as a football player (which was amazing because I am 5' 3'' and about 105 lbs) and for some mysterious, inexplicable reason my male friend I'd always assumed was gay chose that night to declare his love for me. On the couch in the lounge. After we'd watched a bunch of wiccans burn a giant papier mache head in effigy and then streaked across campus. Unsurprisingly, I dropped out of school about a month later. — Nicole Pasulka

October 28, 1995. My girlfriend had just broken up with me and, an hour before our friend’s big Halloween party, I decided I had to win her back. This meant a sexy costume. I’d been something of a slightly reserved nerd up to this point and hadn’t been planning to dress up at all, but in my wretched lust I knew that I couldn’t allow her any time to think about anything other than all the hot getting-it-on we had done and that required a sexy costume. We could figure out the other stuff later.

So, at 9pm on Halloween Saturday, I grabbed a puffy open shirt from my closet (a blouse, really, that I had worn a dozen times in a production of an Elizabethan comedy and inexplicably kept afterwards) and made my way to the Halloween section of the biggest supermarket in spitting distance. In short order, I’d cobbled something together: with a plastic sword, a black Dracula cape, a slightly trimmed plastic robber mask, and that shirt, I would be Zorro. I drove to the party, parked down the street, threw everything over black jeans and boots in my car and, making sure to first puff my newly grown chest hair in my rearview mirror, joined some friends at the keg.

When I at last found my ex-, she didn’t recognize me. In that moment, I knew I had a shot, and a few hours later we left the party early and together. We spent the next year and a half making each other totally miserable. — Bryan Christian

Scanner Roundtable: Our Favorite Horror Movie Stars

sarahhepola — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:27:00 GMT

A question was floated at our regular Scanner beer-bong sessions: Who was the horror film star who, in the words of Usher, made you wanna? Our answers are weird, and varied, and possibly embarrassing. (One of them involves a movie that's not really even a horror film.) Know what? It’s Halloween. We’re dressed as people who don’t give a damn.

Matthew Lillard, Scream: Halloween movies are just NOT about the dudes. Honestly, I’m surprised Hollywood even bothered to cast them, rather than just shelling out for some midgets in masks to push the plot along. Halloween movies are about women--beautiful, shrieking, imperiled women, bosoms heaving (about which you will soon hear) -- and it’s hard to think of any guy who can hold a candle to that kind of white-hot flame. When this question was first posed, my head sort of lurched about: Jack Nicholson in The Shining? Father Damien, the troubled but hunky Catholic priest of The Exorcist? And that’s the pool from which we girls must pluck our Prince Charmings: demon or saint, killer or savior. But if I’m honest, brutally honest and not trying to just look cool, then I will admit I had a throbbing boner for Matthew Lillard in Scream, playing a sarcastic teen who manages to be both of these things at once while also offering up some of the movie’s best punchlines. Eventually, he played Shaggy in Scooby Doo. What can I say? I like the funny ones. — Sarah Hepola

Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween; Sigourney Weaver, Alien: Oh, Jamie Lee Curtis, goddamn you are cute in Halloween. And in the greatly inferior Halloween II and, honestly, in A Fish Called Wanda, but that's a conversation for another time. Today, it's Halloween, and who better to celebrate on Halloween than the woman who consistently escaped Michael Myers' single-minded pursuit for more than 20 years? At one point, she cut off his head, because when the maniac is breathing down her neck, she does not fuck around. Except she's not bloodthirsty or hard-hearted. Laurie Strode keeps it real and has especially nice hair, which is what we look for in a horror movie heroine. BUT LEST WE FORGET: Imagine you're trapped on a space ship with a malevolent, super-powered alien being. Right, we'd all have hurled ourselves into the black abyss of outer space before we could finish reading that sentence. Not Ripley, though. Ripley is as hard as Sarah’s throbbing boner for Matthew Lillard. The Alien is all, "REEEaaaak!," and Ripley is all, "Eat flame thrower, you bitch." That thing is so fucking scary, but next to Sigourney Weaver, it just looks clumsy and kind of stupid. And then, it's time for white panties! Not enough that we get to see her sweat, and fight, and mutter all stressed out and pushed to the limit, after everything's almost said and done, we get to see her take off her clothes. Thank you, Ripley, for taking off your clothes, and for saving Earth from that slimy alien. In case any of you were thinking of setting us up on a blind date sometime, this is our type. — Nicole Pasulka

Terri Garr and Madeline Kahn, Young Frankenstein: The first time I realized Young Frankenstein was full of sex jokes, I was probably 17 and watching it again for the first time in, like, 10 years. I guess my folks knew, correctly, that my young mind would focus on the monster and the pratfalls and never pick up on the intense undercurrent of Victorian horniness that underpins the film, bursting occasionally at the seams like the ripe bosoms of its female leads, Teri Garr and Madeline Kahn. But how could this not, on a subconscious level, be the very beginning of my sexual life? Look how doubleplushot they are: Kahn, her lush frame wrapped tightly in suits until being let loose hungrily in the film’s climax; and Garr, her Swiss Miss outfits and pert, cheery availability causing me even today to paw longingly at my TV. Dr. Frankenstein, you fool! I don’t care how you pronounce your name! Get rid of that monster and find a hot tub and a bottle of Schnapps, stat! — Bryan Christian