Scanner : scanner emily

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Trent Reznor's Love

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Dom DeLuise, actor, chef, all-around awesome dude, is dead at the age of 75. [The Feed]

The NIH is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on "the prevention of HIV" by studying patrons and proprietors in gay bars in Argentina. FYI: Next time the NIH wants to do a study on drinking and sexual promiscuity, we're available. Hit us up at Scanner@nerve.com. Buy us a drink and we'll give you whatever information you want. [CNSNnews]

A Kansas City newscaster interviewed Guy Fieri, that annoying guy from the Food Network, during a Royals game last night. Except it wasn't Guy Fieri. Oops. [Kansas City Star]

Scanner Crush (we know Scanner Brian is with us on this one) Jeff Tweedy, frontman of Wilco, is being sued by an ex-bandmate. Jay Bennett, who played with Wilco from 1994 to 2001 wants $50,000 for five albums he recorded with the band. [BBC]

Trent Reznor has decided to tie the knot with girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig. [The Inquisitr]

[Image]

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

Face it, there are some people who are sexier than you will ever be. It is possible that this sexiness only exists in their own minds, but you know what? We'd rather occupy brain space thinking about how sexy we are than about how we're 20 pounds overweight and unattractive to the opposite sex. Luckily, the Sexy People blog (which we haven't visited in quite some time) brings all of those, well, sexy people together in one place for us to laugh at look at. We've included a few of our favorites (and even our own very sexy snapshot) after the jump.

Related:

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Scanner Survey: How Often Do You Have Sexy Time?

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Reminder: Catch Me In The Flesh Tonight

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:28:00 GMT

Hey Scanners, I'm off to get a 90-minute massage before I scramble to finish my essay for tonight's In the Flesh erotic reading series, so this will be my last post of the day. Be nice to Scanners Brian, Colleen and Ina. And if you're in New York, I hope to see you at Happy Ending later.

In The Flesh is proud to present its second annual Virgin Night, featuring new authors and first-time readers. Texan Jenny Block reads from Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blogger and co-author of Beyond Heaving Bosoms Sarah Wendell shares the sexy side of romance, memoirist (I'm Perfect, You're Doomed) and ex-Jehovah's Witness Kyria Abrahams talks about losing her virginity, Jehovah's Witness style, while Nerve.com Scanner blogger Emily Farris delivers a sex story and erotic romance novelist (Stranger, Dirty) Megan Hart reads her steamy prose, along with Gideon Levy of Kinky Jews and Sugarbutch Chronicles blogger Sinclair Sexsmith, and first-time reader Nicolette Dixon. Books will be available for sale by Mobile Libris. Free giveaways include a body massage candle by JimmyJane and the word game SexySlang (formerly PervArtistry). Hosted and curated by Rachel Kramer BusselThe Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb, Spanked). Free candy and cupcakes, as well as cookies courtesy of Ravenous Romance, will be served.

More details after the jump.

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Gothamist, Nerve.com and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Kyria Abrahams is the author of the memoir I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales From a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing. She is a 34-year-old standup comedian, spoken-word poet, and web producer. She lives in Queens, New York.
www.kyriaabrahams.com

Jenny Block is the author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, June 2008), which has been nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. She writes a weekly column for the Dallas Morning News publication Quick called “Sex Talk with Jenny Block” (quickdfw.com) as well as for a variety of other publications and websites, including huffingtonpost.com. Her essay “And Then We Were Poly” is included in Rebecca Walker’s book, One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry,Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love (Riverhead Hardcover, February 2009), which received a starred review from Kirkus. Jenny holds both her BA and her MA in English from Virginia Commonwealth University and taught college composition for nearly ten years.
jennyonthepage.com

Rachel Kramer Bussel is an author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a former sex columnist for The Village Voice. She’s edited numerous anthologies, most recently The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories, Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories, Best Sex Writing 2009, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, and Spanked. Her writing been published in publications such as Clean Sheets, Cosmopolitan, Fresh Yarn, Huffington Post, Mediabistro, Newsday, New York Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Tango, The Village Voice, and Time Out New York, and in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006. She has hosted In The Flesh since October 2005.
rachelkramerbussel.com

Nicolette Dixon is very excited to be reading her first erotic story at In The Flesh. She is a performer and a theater artist hailing from San Diego, but has left her mark all over California and therefor decided to give life on the east coast a go. She can also be seen clowning with the sketch comedy troupe Peer Pressure. She has a fascination with all things related to travel and transit.

When Emily Farris was an impressionable youth her mom told her that people who talk the most about sex are the ones having the least of it. In Emily's case this has, unfortunately, turned out to be true. This makes her pretty good at her job, as editor of Nerve.com's culture blog, Scanner. She also takes her sexual frustration out in the kitchen and her first cookbook, Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven was published in 2008. Having recently escaped New York, Emily now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.
eefers.com

Megan Hart began writing short fantasy, horror and science fiction before graduating to novel-length romances. In 1998, now a stay-home mom, Megan took up writing in earnest, attending her first writing conference and getting her first request for a full manuscript. In 2002 she saw her first book in print, and she hasn't stopped since. She's published in almost every genre of romantic fiction, including historical, contemporary, romantic suspense, romantic comedy, futuristic, fantasy and perhaps most notably, erotic. She also writes non-erotic fantasy and science fiction, as well as continuing to occasionally dabble in horror. Megan's goal is to continue writing spicy, thrilling love stories with a twist. Her dream is to have a movie made of every one of her novels, starring herself as the heroine and Keanu Reeves as the hero. Megan lives in the deep, dark woods with Superman and two monsters...er...children. Her books for Harlequin Spice include Stranger, Tempted, Broken and Dirty.
readinbed.com

Gideon Levy is a loud and proud, native Brooklynite who makes his living sharing the stories of New York as a City Tour Guide with his family tour company Levy's Unique New York, the Tenement Museum, NY Water Taxi, and about half a dozen other outfits who probably still owe him money. He enjoys the finer things in life like a nice three-piece suit, a well-balanced cocktail, a well-written and drawn graphic novel, and tying up and spanking beautiful, naughty girls, especially through his organization Kinky Jews (www.kinkyjews.com). Not published yet, but trying, Gideon is currently working on a 22nd century Superhero Political comic book, an early 20th century Lower East Side Crime Drama, and tonight will be reading from a recently completed novella called "She & I.

Sinclair Sexsmith was named 2008's #1 Top Sex Blogger for Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series and the forthcoming Femmethology, Mr. Sexsmith enjoys whiskey, topping, the serial comma, political activism, and has been known to get on his knees in order to fix the strappy sandals of a queer femme. Sugarbutch Star chapbooks are available, if you ask nicely (and have five bucks).
Sugarbutch.net

Sarah Wendell is a transplanted Pittsburgher currently living in New York metropolitan area. By day she's mild mannered and heavily caffeinated. By evening she dons her cranky costume, consumes yet more caffeine, and becomes Smart Bitch Sarah of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. The site specializes in reviewing romance novels, examining the history and future of the genre, and bemoaning the enormous prevalence of bodacious pectorals adorning male cover models. Sarah is co-author of the seminal monument to all things romance: Beyond Heaving Bosoms: the Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels.
www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com

Related:

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Amazon Rank Fail

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: Feb 12, NYC

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:17:00 GMT

Hey, Scanners. Thanks to all of your votes, my missed connection won the Missed Tees t-shirt contest, which means I'm $200 richer and I owe you a good leg humping. It also means you can buy my t-shirt, printed on American Apparel of course, at the ridiculously cheap price of $13 (see? everything is cheaper in the Midwest) and for the rest of eternity, I get 10% of every sale. So if you buy it, it's almost like you're my sugar daddy, or mama.

[Missed Tees]

Related:

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

New York Scanners: Catch Scanner Emily in the Flesh

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:43:00 GMT

No, don't worry. I'm not going to traumatize you with my pale-purplish nekkidness. Instead I'll be reading a yet-to-be-completed "sexy" story at Rachel Kramer Bussel's erotic reading series called "In the Flesh" Thursday night at the Happy Ending Lounge. It's virgin night, meaning we're all first-time readers, and I'm a little nervous. But I'm in good company:

In The Flesh is proud to present its second annual Virgin Night, featuring new authors and first-time readers. Texan Jenny Block reads from Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blogger and co-author of Beyond Heaving Bosoms Sarah Wendell shares the sexy side of romance, memoirist (I'm Perfect, You're Doomed) and ex-Jehovah's Witness Kyria Abrahams talks about losing her virginity, Jehovah's Witness style, while Nerve.com Scanner blogger Emily Farris delivers a sex story and erotic romance novelist (Stranger, Dirty) Megan Hart reads her steamy prose, along with Gideon Levy of Kinky Jews and Sugarbutch Chronicles blogger Sinclair Sexsmith, and first-time reader Nicolette Dixon. Books will be available for sale by Mobile Libris. Free giveaways include a body massage candle by JimmyJane and the word game SexySlang (formerly PervArtistry). Hosted and curated by Rachel Kramer BusselThe Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb, Spanked). Free candy and cupcakes, as well as cookies courtesy of Ravenous Romance, will be served

More details after the jump.

VIRGIN NIGHT
April 16th at 8 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.comIn the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Gothamist, Nerve.com and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Kyria Abrahams is the author of the memoir I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales From a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing. She is a 34-year-old standup comedian, spoken-word poet, and web producer. She lives in Queens, New York.
www.kyriaabrahams.com

Jenny Block is the author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, June 2008), which has been nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. She writes a weekly column for the Dallas Morning News publication Quick called “Sex Talk with Jenny Block” (quickdfw.com) as well as for a variety of other publications and websites, including huffingtonpost.com. Her essay “And Then We Were Poly” is included in Rebecca Walker’s book, One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry,Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love (Riverhead Hardcover, February 2009), which received a starred review from Kirkus. Jenny holds both her BA and her MA in English from Virginia Commonwealth University and taught college composition for nearly ten years.
jennyonthepage.com

Rachel Kramer Bussel is an author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a former sex columnist for The Village Voice. She’s edited numerous anthologies, most recently The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories, Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories, Best Sex Writing 2009, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, and Spanked. Her writing been published in publications such as Clean Sheets, Cosmopolitan, Fresh Yarn, Huffington Post, Mediabistro, Newsday, New York Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Tango, The Village Voice, and Time Out New York, and in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006. She has hosted In The Flesh since October 2005.
rachelkramerbussel.com

Nicolette Dixon is very excited to be reading her first erotic story at In The Flesh. She is a performer and a theater artist hailing from San Diego, but has left her mark all over California and therefor decided to give life on the east coast a go. She can also be seen clowning with the sketch comedy troupe Peer Pressure. She has a fascination with all things related to travel and transit.

When Emily Farris was an impressionable youth her mom told her that people who talk the most about sex are the ones having the least of it. In Emily's case this has, unfortunately, turned out to be true. This makes her pretty good at her job, as editor of Nerve.com's culture blog, Scanner. She also takes her sexual frustration out in the kitchen and her first cookbook, Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven was published in 2008. Having recently escaped New York, Emily now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.
eefers.com

Megan Hart began writing short fantasy, horror and science fiction before graduating to novel-length romances. In 1998, now a stay-home mom, Megan took up writing in earnest, attending her first writing conference and getting her first request for a full manuscript. In 2002 she saw her first book in print, and she hasn't stopped since. She's published in almost every genre of romantic fiction, including historical, contemporary, romantic suspense, romantic comedy, futuristic, fantasy and perhaps most notably, erotic. She also writes non-erotic fantasy and science fiction, as well as continuing to occasionally dabble in horror. Megan's goal is to continue writing spicy, thrilling love stories with a twist. Her dream is to have a movie made of every one of her novels, starring herself as the heroine and Keanu Reeves as the hero. Megan lives in the deep, dark woods with Superman and two monsters...er...children. Her books for Harlequin Spice include Stranger, Tempted, Broken and Dirty.
readinbed.com

Gideon Levy is a loud and proud, native Brooklynite who makes his living sharing the stories of New York as a City Tour Guide with his family tour company Levy's Unique New York, the Tenement Museum, NY Water Taxi, and about half a dozen other outfits who probably still owe him money. He enjoys the finer things in life like a nice three-piece suit, a well-balanced cocktail, a well-written and drawn graphic novel, and tying up and spanking beautiful, naughty girls, especially through his organization Kinky Jews (www.kinkyjews.com). Not published yet, but trying, Gideon is currently working on a 22nd century Superhero Political comic book, an early 20th century Lower East Side Crime Drama, and tonight will be reading from a recently completed novella called "She & I.

Sinclair Sexsmith was named 2008's #1 Top Sex Blogger for Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series and the forthcoming Femmethology, Mr. Sexsmith enjoys whiskey, topping, the serial comma, political activism, and has been known to get on his knees in order to fix the strappy sandals of a queer femme. Sugarbutch Star chapbooks are available, if you ask nicely (and have five bucks).
Sugarbutch.net

Sarah Wendell is a transplanted Pittsburgher currently living in New York metropolitan area. By day she's mild mannered and heavily caffeinated. By evening she dons her cranky costume, consumes yet more caffeine, and becomes Smart Bitch Sarah of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. The site specializes in reviewing romance novels, examining the history and future of the genre, and bemoaning the enormous prevalence of bodacious pectorals adorning male cover models. Sarah is co-author of the seminal monument to all things romance: Beyond Heaving Bosoms: the Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels.
www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com

Related:

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Amazon Rank Fail

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: Feb 12, NYC

In The Flesh logo by Molly Crabapple

Girls and Boys and Beer With Mustaches

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:58:00 GMT

Friday night we broke free from the confines of our ginormous Midwestern apartment, took the first shower we'd had in days and ventured out to a place we were certain would be stocked with hairy men: a mustache contest hosted by the Ozanam Guild. We were really excited when we got asked to judge, but our excitement quickly faded when we realized we were wrong about the whole plethora of hairy men thing. However, we made a very important discovery: women in mustaches are sort-of hot.

Perhaps there is something in the Kansas City water that prevents men from growing facial hair:

This is the best the men of Kansas City could do. Four men competed in the "real" 'stache contest. The guy on the left won and the guy in the Adidas t-shirt got second place because this was his first 'stache and he was super excited about it. See that guy in the sweater? His facial hair may have been better than T-shirt Guy's but he said he was going to shave it as soon as he got home. Mustache FAIL:

While the mustachioed men had a weak showing, the women of Kansas City let all their hair hang out:

And the women who won rocked these sweet flavor savers:

And of course, we had to rock our own Scanner 'Stache:

Naturally, we suggested the Ozanam Guild have a beard competition next time.

Related:

Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Three More Days to Pledge in Support of Scanner Bryan's Sweet Sweet 'Stache

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

"Fairbanks Man Gets Plea Deal, Wedding"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:22:00 GMT

It's always disturbed me to open a link someone sends me to read this on a newspaper's website: "FAIRBANKS-- A man charged with sexual assault is getting married." Thanks, but I'd rather not have either of those crimes attributed to me in dictionary definition form (i.e. FARRIS-- A woman charged with maintaining a stable of bearded men received probation today.")

Seriously, though, check out "my" quote in the paper today: “I’m dumbstruck to even have my name put in this situation,” he said. “This doesn’t begin to describe the caliber of man I am.” That about covers it. It also reminds us of the time we e-mailed Anton Newcombe, he the famed frontman for The Brian Jonestown Massacre about his having been convicted of murder in Australia. (It's true-- a man named Anton Newcombe is a convicted murderer.) His entire response: "Woah. Trippy."

Anyway, the actual story out of Fairbanks, Alaska is bizarre enough to warrant its own post, even without my name:

A 32-year-old man was charged with forcing his girlfriend to have sex with him by knifepoint. The three felony accounts were reduced to three misdemeanors after a strange and unforseen twist: the girlfriend says she's "hazy" on the events and never said that the act was nonconsensual. Even these are not uncommon. What really shocked the judge was this:

The woman, who asked not to be identified, briefly spoke at Thursday’s hearing and announced that she and Pignataro plan to get married soon.
“It’s very unusual for someone at sentencing to announce they’re getting married,” Downes said. “That’s the first time I’ve heard that for 40 years I’ve been doing this.”

Pignataro briefly spoke, attributing the charges, his only run-in with the law, to problems with alcohol. He vowed to stay sober in the future.

So, there you have it folks. How did the Judge fall for that ol' trick? Slash your girlfriends tires, force her to have sex with her, and then make her tell the judge you're going to marry her "one of these days" so he can get off with time served. It's the Fairbanks way.

More on this case via Daily News-Miner.

Related:

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Erykah Badu's Stalker

Important Music Trend: Olds Backed Up by Cutes

From Scanner HQ

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Just a few friendly reminders from the Scanner business office:

1. Yesterday Colleen and I (Scanner Emily) were named among the Sexy Twitterati. Are you following us yet? @scanneremily and @colleenkane.

2. Will you be Nerve's friend—er fan—on Facebook! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Just think how cool you'll look to all your other friends.

3. I'm still in the lead to win $200 for my dog-humping-leg missed connection, but to lock it in I could really, really use your 10 stars. It's just two clicks (one to get there and one to vote) and you have no idea how much $200 is to a blogger (like $2,000 to a normal person with a real job).

4. And just in case you've forgotten, you can now reach Scanner directly by typing dailyscanner.com into your address bar.

That is all. Happy Friday.

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

[Image, Image]

Support a Scanner or Two

Colleen Kane — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

There are certainly beggars on the street who earn more in a day than Scanner Emily and I will today. And with that, a little begging: won't you vote for Scanner Emily's missed connection so she can win $200? She needs an average of 10 stars and right now she's up to 9. That one literally takes one second to do.

My favor takes more like 30 seconds, but the stakes are so much higher: if I get around 500 more votes in this photography contest by Friday, I'll be in the top 20, then will hopefully be selected to win $50K! The contest is called Name Your Dream Assignment, and here's mine: Main Street, Exiled: Disappearing Downtowns. You just have to sign in with a real email to prove you're not a robot, then click on PIC IT to vote.

Thanks lovies!

Related:

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:09:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. Still trying to win $200. You can still help. You can also help Scanner Colleen win lots more money than that. Well, not so much win as "earn."

Do you know how lucrative professional blogging is? Not very. Which is why we have to enter silly contests like this one in hopes of winning $200—especially now that we live in the Midwest and are forced to pay way too much to finance a car because we have bad credit from nine years of living in New York. So, we've entered Missed Tees' missed connection t-shirt contest. All you have to do is click here and give us ten stars (no registration necessary). If you do, we'll totally hump your leg.

[Vote For Scanner Emily's Missed Connection]

More Shameless Self Promotion: I'll Give You a Cookie if You Buy My Book

[Image]

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:29:00 GMT

Do you know how lucrative professional blogging is? Not very. Which is why we have to enter silly contests like this one in hopes of winning $200—especially now that we live in the Midwest and are forced to pay way too much to finance a car because we have bad credit from nine years of living in New York. So, we've entered Missed Tees' missed connection t-shirt contest. Our missed connection is above. All you have to do is click here and give us ten stars (no registration necessary). If you do, we'll totally hump your leg.

[Vote For Scanner Emily's Missed Connection]

[Image]

Riches are Wasted on the Rich

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:11:00 GMT

Dorothy Parker once said, "I hate almost all rich people, but I think I would be darling at it." As with many DP quotes, I have to give an AMEN! If I were rich, I would do things like wear really cute outfits, get my hair cut more than once or twice a year, and like, help animals and stuff.

Not so for this 18-year-old priveliged son, who is the artist of the phallic rooftop graffiti seen above.

Apparently the 60-foot painting has been there for a year, and his parents only just found out. They say their son will have to wash it off when he gets back from travelling. Oh really? Whenever he gets around to returning to the million-pound Berkshire mansion he defaced? How about cutting off his credit cards? That would get him back sooner.

Oddly enough, this post comes a year to the day from when Scanner Emily posted about a very similar prank in Arizona.

Weenie Royale! WEENIE ROYALE!

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

SXSW In Review: The Best Worst Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

Scanner Colleen is a spoiled brat. That's all we're going to say about this photo, which we reluctantly captured for her.

After a week in Austin, we're at Scanner Emily's in Kansas City, Missouri, en route to New York. You can practically smell the burnout on our clothes-- or maybe that's the three-day-old B.O.

Either way, we're exhausted for a 12+ hour drive through most of the state of Texas, all of Oklahoma and Kansas, and finally a quick hop over the Missouri border into Kansas City. Amazingly, Emily drove every inch of the way, including several stretches without the coffee IV in her arm. Along the way, we listened back to all the free music we'd obtained-- and here's what we discovered...

To me, at least, these were the five best acts and/or shows we stood through during Austin's South By Southwest 2009 Music Conference.

Richard Swift - we had just arrived at the Bust Party when this up-and-coming crooner/rocker took the stage at the Mohawk. We all planned to hit the bar and clean them out of Lone Star and/or Shiner Bock when Swift kicked into high gear. (Watch a song from his performance here.) Speaking for myself, I forgot my original first priority and the fact that Bishop Allen were playing next and just stood on the balcony, transfixed by the funky, sweet, and tightly-wound opening performance.

Harlem Shakes - We were at Maggie Mae's, thinking We Were Promised Jetpacks were playing. As the Jetpacks hit the stage, our first thought was, "Man, I think I had them confused with another band-- they're rockin', but something's different. A new lead singer?" It turned out, I had misread the Maggie Mae's poster and I was actually seeing Harlem Shakes, which I only realized after standing through the entire set, knowing I was seeing a true breakthrough performance. I'm glad I did.

M. Ward - Years ago, we saw M. Ward open for Cat Power at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. It was altogether-- and to this day-- the worst concert we've ever seen. Ward played a droning series of piano ballads and seemed lost. Chan came out later on and actually was lost-- wandering into a Jim Morrison-like abyss from which she finally emerged a few years later to become the great stage presence we heard through the hair in her face that night. So, it was with great reluctance that we attended BrooklynVegan's party headlined by Ward, lately of She & Him. Within seconds, we had realized two things: 1) Ward continues to distance himself from his audience and 2) the echo added to his vocals, the catchy new songs, and, most of all, the choice of acoustic guitar over piano made for a dramatic about-face from the 2003 (?) show in New York. Check out his latest record and the instantly catchy "For Beginners."

Ken Haddock - for most of the week, we enjoyed free lunches at Latitude 30's British Music Showcase. None of the performers we saw topped our first show-- that of a group of ragtag Belfast folkies hoping for their own little Once deals. Haddock was our favorite, and someone would be wise to cover his songs ASAP.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - I actually missed their show in the park, but Emily filled us in with some mp3s yesterday. The band, which isn't as (yet) popular as their tour mates Rilo Kiley, seem tighter and more focused than that other California band. Perhaps Thao isn't as distracted by solo projects as Jenny Lewis. Perhaps-- hate to say it-- their music is just better.

There were plenty of notable bands and memorable moments: our friends the Crystal Stilts... the surprise of seeing Dinosaur, Jr. for free at 1:30am at the Bust party... even saving Sylvain Sylvain's cell phone before he was to play with the New York Dolls. But those five artists mentioned above are the ones we came away with expecting we'll be bragging about for the next 12 months.

You should check out their music and do the same.

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Hot Naked Chicks

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Scanner Emily's Suitor

While You Were Sleeping and We Should Have Been: Scanner Emily's Suitor

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:18:00 GMT

Last night we went to BUST magazine's SXSW party at the Mohawk, where the surprise headliners were Dinosaur, Jr. Emily was just saying that she better not leave Austin without at least making out with someone, so we split off from Scanner Brian, who she was calling BF and who might be mistaken for her bf. And that's when she caught someone's eye, big time.

Meet Emily's suitor, "Jose." Jose was smitten with Emily from first sight. In fact, I overheard him say "Who is that? Is she a writer?" As we passed him, before he approached us, then zeroed in on Emily and proceeded to tell her how pretty she is. Over and over. For a lot of the night. Jose was a very sweet, but a very intoxicated gent, bless his heart. (That's a phrase I picked up on this trip to Texas.)

I overheard him saying, "You make me want to go to Missouri all the time."

Emily tried to politely extract herself, but Jose kept finding her again, and despite us telling him that she ass rapes babies and that she has boob herpes, his ardor never waned. We also heard him tell his friends that Emily was his girlfriend.

This photo, taken by Scanner Brian, sums it up.

The best was this exchange:

Scanner Emily: "What have I been telling you all night?"

Jose: "That you're a super hot model."

Oh, Jose. But as Emily summed up, at least we got free beer. (One each. Jose's a gentleman.)

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Last night, all of us Scanner types at SXSW finally met up in person. This photo is about how it went. Emily was calling that dangling bit her phone's penis. I thought she looked rather like a blow-up doll in this shot, so that's going to be her Halloween costume this year.

This is Emily stepping up to the guy from the New York Times. In the background is Fairbanks acting scandalized.

But then everybody made up.

We ended the evening at a karaoke night, where Emily danced with her new boyfriend here, who was then dumped a moment later when we pursuaded her to leave.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Found on the Road: Four-Flavored Condom?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

I've been pretty much living in Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the past 36 or so hours. After waiting eleven hours in an airport yesterday, I rode a Greyhound for four hours to quite possibly also spend today in another airport. Anyway, one great thing about a bus ride? Truck stops! I love shopping at truck stops. And yesterday, while squatting over a disgusting toilet, I looked up to find the condom machine. Four flavored condoms for 75-cents? What a deal! I knew it was finally time to pop my condom-machine cherry. Unfortunately, it turns out it wasn't such a good deal after all.

Either it is one four-flavored condom (WTF?) or, more likely, it is one of four flavors. Will it be banana? Chocolate? Strawberry? Or mint (marijuana??)?

Only you can tell. FInish this sentence:

If I had a ____-flavored condom I'd ______________________ Fox News.

and send it to scanner@nerve.com. The best answer will be posted here and the winner will receive this mystery condom via the USPS. The Springfield, MO airport may not have fresh coffee or hot food but it has to have a post office. Right?

More goodies from my travels coming next week.

(For the very interested among you, I'm Tiwttering my misadventures. The less sleep I get—I'm working on four hours in three days—the better my Twats, it seems.)

Related:

Thirtysomething is the New Stupidsomething

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Condoms: Saving Lives 18,500 at a Time

Schoolgirl's Double Life as High-Payin' Ho Betrayed By Bag of Condoms

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:29:00 GMT

We here at Scanner are in no way medical professionals. So why in the world would we seek medical advice from others who are? Instead, we like to ask our friends what's up. That's right, we asked a boy who has no medical training whatsoever to break down female birth control for us, because that's how we roll. Okay, really, we are always interested in getting different perspectives on things and when Andy started opining about birth control one night, we thought it would make for an interesting post. But you know, before taking any of this advice in pill or shot or patch or plastic form, consult a medical professional first, please and thank you.

Hello Readers. While I'm new to this blogging thing, I've had a slew of relationships, and like most people I hate condoms and eschew them whenever I get into a long-term relationship. Needless to say, I've learned a bit about birth control in my 31 years. And over a beer, while helping Scanner Emily pack up her shit for a long move (and somewhat relentlessly hitting on her [Ed note: I liked it]), I got into a discussion about my own preferences in birth control devices. Out of said conversation came the idea to post these preferences, just to see if any of you agree or disagree. I preface these by saying that if you aren't in a mutually exclusive thang, and you aren't wearing a condom when you have sex with any one of your anonymous partners, well that's just fucking retarded. But if you are, read on.

The Pill
First, which pill? There seem to be a million now, with cute names like Yazz and shit like that. But my experience has been uniform with the pill, which is to say I've learned to expect the unexpected. Some women are entirely unaffected; some turn into a post-apocalyptic fascist state. And speaking of Yazz and mood alterations, don't trust commercials, ever. The good folks at Bayer and their DTC (direct to consumer) marketers have made a point of suggesting that their pill reduces PMS symptoms (remember the conservatively dressed, thin women kicking words like "irritability" while listening to a vomitously chick-pop version of Quiet Riot's "We're Not Gonna Take It?"). Well, the FDA made them pull the ads for BLATANTLY LYING TO AMERICA. The drug was approved for mildly alleviating some symptoms associated with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), classified as a psychological disorder whose side effects include "severe depression" and "extreme, persistent anger." PMDD is a serious condition affecting only 2-10% of menstruating women; PMS is very, very common. My friends think I get it sometimes, and I have a penis. Anyhow, by the time the ad was pulled, millions of women had already seen it and gone to their doctor thinking that Yazz would get rid of their PMS. Hell, I tried to get a prescription for it; those chicks in the commercial looked so empowered, kicking things in pant suits.

So be careful; the truth of the matter is, PMS is a fact of life for many women, and nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from. In my house growing up, it meant that for two days a month I was to bring my mother and sister a box of chocolate, head to my bedroom, and shut the fuck up. And I was a kid; if I can figure that shit out at age 8, the men in your life can certainly do the same. So according to me and the FDA, don't take birth control pills to alleviate the symptoms of PMS; in my experience you're replacing one hormonally charged mood swing with another. Instead, take birth control pills because you want to have unprotected sex all the time (in a monogamous relationship), occasionally in weird positions, with a guy whose penis you enjoy. That said, from our side, the pill is easy. You're the one who has to take it, and remember to take it. We rarely see you take it, and being men, are not going to remind you to take it, and so it requires a significant amount of responsibility on your part, and trust on ours. This can create the kind of Oedipal relationship the Freudians would have a field day with.

The Diaphragm
No hormones involved, I can understand how women would certainly want that. However, this stupid little rubber thing ruined my last long term relationship, and has for countless others completely removed all spontenaiety from the sexual act. No more pulling over on the side of a highway in the afternoon to nail each other by a road median; no more throwing each other into stairwells during parties, or quickies in restaurant bathroom stalls. Even in the comforts of your own bedroom, sex suddenly requires forethought, and putting something obtrusive and jelly filled inside you. Yeah, yeah, a real loving relationship is about more than sex, right. But if you can't accept that sex is a big part of it, then why are you going on birth control in the first place?

Wow, that was cathartic. Moving on...

The Nuva Ring
This thing is wonderful; that is, until you need to use your vagina. The "small, unobtrusive plastic ring" is indeed obtrusive; when I'm inside a vagina, I like to be the only one inside it. Two's a crowd. Still, it makes for an interesting game of "Operation," trying to hook your finger or tongue around the thing and pull it out without taking her out of the moment. If accomplished, it can be removed for upwards of 3 hours, no harm done. So you have plenty of time to get back into it, if your skills at Operaton are not quite acute.

Depo-Provera
This is the creepiest form of birth control ever. My college girlfriend used it. Psychologically, I didn't notice any changes, but then again, she was always batshit crazy anyway. Physiolgically, you get a shot, once every three months, and then your body literally stops menstruating. The lining of your uterus becomes an unfriendly place for egg cells, your cervical mucus thickens (which is a strange phenomenon for those of us who enjoy going down on a woman first thing in the morning), you lose bone density, and overall, your body simply stops having a period. If you can deal with that, I say go for it; it is by far the most convenient form for women who, like me, are prone to forgetting things. But if you hate needles, or you see something weirdly unnatural about not menstruating anymore, well, I'd say go with something else.

The Patch
You put a patch somewhere on your body, and it delivers your hormones for you throughout the month. The hormone level is slightly below that of the pill, but higher than the Nuva Ring, so you get somewhere in between on the emotional effects. It also looks like you're trying to quit smoking if you go to the beach, but hey, that's noble enough these days. And one time it got caught in the bed sheets and tore off, which ruined a perfectly good moment. But apart from those small issues, I'd say this one is the winner.

Please feel free to respond with any of your own birth control tales, or to mention any of the ones I might have missed. For example, I didn't mention the IUD—never had a girlfriend who used one, and honestly, I don't really have an opinion about it. —Andy

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:26:00 GMT

We were rather disturbed by how many of you claimed to be in a sexless marriage after Scanner Emily's post yesterday.

Moreover, we were worried you all are going to end up miserable and/or divorced, if this survey conducted by a U.K. wedding site is to be believed...

3,000 Britons were queried about surviving a marriage, and those who have lasted ten or more years responded with these tips:

Having sex three times a week;

Kissing four times a day;

Cuddling thrice on a daily basis;

Sharing two hobbies, and;

Holding two romantic dinners a month.

Having sex three times a week doesn't seem totally unreasonable and neither does kissing four times a day. But how many chances are you really going to have to cuddle? (When you first wake up, on the couch after dinner, and before bed can work, in our view.) But Jesus, isn't it hard to find someone to fall in love with who is interesting enough to have two hobbies you also enjoy, has time for two romantic dinners per month after many years together, will remember to kiss you four times a day, and can arrange for three separate cuddles in a 24-hour span... not tomention sex every other night?

Not saying we're against it or that it's impossible, but now we're beginning to understand why so many marriages end in divorce.

CBC via Confetti.

14-Year-Old Divorcee Officially Back on the Market

Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Hey Ladies: That Pesky Period May Help Prevent Parkinson's

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

I am scared to death of developing Parkinson's Disease. And the reason is pretty ridiculous, I admit. I resemble no one in my family but my paternal grandmother Ruth, whose middle name I also share. We ~~have~~ had the same hands, the same feet and recently my aunt gave me a picture of Grandma Ruth in her 20's. She could be my twin. In her 50's she developed the degenerative neurological disease and by the time I was old enough to communicate, it was full blown. She was shaky, her tongue was always hanging out of her mouth, her speech was slurred and slow. For a while, I was actually sort-of afraid of her. So, regretfully, I never really got to know one of my grandmothers. It was only last year that I learned she was an English teacher (I knew she taught history, but not that she also taught English; this explains why my dad had me quoting Shakespeare at the age of three). And as much as my dad tells me he thinks the factors leading to her Parkinson's were environmental, and no genetic link has been proven, I still worry that someday, I will be shaky Grandma Emily, unable to communicate with my grandchildren.

A new study at least makes me feel a little better about all of this.

Research out of Beth Israel Medical Center in New York found that longer exposure to the body's own hormones, including estrogen, may help protect the brain cells that affected by Parkinson's.

The disease occurs almost twice as often in men, and the study reports that women who menstruate for 39 years or longer are 25% less likely to develop Parksinson's, compared to women who were fertile less than 33 years. (For once, I am sort of glad I got my period at 11, now if I can just keep it going until I'm 50, I'll be golden.)

The study also found that women who have four or more children (like my Grandma Ruth) are at a higher risk for Parkinson's, possibly because "the post-partum period, which is typically one with lower levels of estrogen, subtracts from a woman's total fertile lifespan," according to the study's co-author Sylvia Wassertheil-Smoller, Ph.D., professor of epidemiology and population health and the principal investigator of the WHI study at Einstein.

Of course, this is one study in probably a million and a study tomorrow could say exactly the opposite, but, hey, it makes me feel a little better.

[Science Daily: Naturally Produced Estrogen May Protect Women From Parkinson's Disease]

Related:

Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Graydon Carter Won't Say the M Word

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Bearded Men On Craig's List: Or, How We'll Get Scanner Emily To Move Back To NYC

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:42:00 GMT

We're recovering from public nudity burnout after this morning's news and for some idiotic reason, decided that a sane refuge would be the Craig's List Missed Connection section.

Based on what we've come across in the w4m section, a mysterious brand of man has taken over the city of New Amsterdam...

...the beard-o. Jim James, pictured above, the lead singer of Kentucky rock band My Morning Jacket, is rumored to have made the city a second home. The hipsters in Williamsburg have all seemingly realized that, though they live in an urban area, the ladies will overlook the flannel shirts and generally disheveled appearance... as long as the dude's got a beard.

beardo stare - w4m (union pool)

ten thousand dollar stare, what was the even? giving someone "the look" for so long that they begin to fear for their life certainly works, but when you don't follow up with at least a half crack of a smile it still just leaves them fearing for their life.
let's do this rattlesnake dance, you angel.

ps. one hundred bones says your clothes smell like campfire.

When we read the part about one hundred bones, it kind of freaked us out. Maybe it's because we were listening to Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy," with its deliberately goofy melody and the terrifying lines: "And he dug up her grave/and made a cage with her bones/excitable boy, they all said."

L train making eyes and a laugh - w4m (brooklyn)

...Your beard was new, a month tops-- more like a shadow than a beard. ...I noticed you staring at me i think at Bedford. I stopped actually reading my magazine so i could see if you were still glancing at me at Graham. Surprisingly, you were still on the train at my stop at Myrtle-Wyckoff. we smiled and you watched me leave the train. I turned around twice and you were still looking. you seem fun. i liked your eyes. and i want to know how that book is. are you a Halsey stop guy? Want to go on a hike? I think my camelbak and your hiking boots will get us far enough in the treacherous terrain of Mccarren or Central or Prospect Park.

More choice beard sightings:

I was the brunette with my hair up in a bun, wearing a colorful yellow & pink scarf and long black coat, talking to my friend. you sat next to her and it seems like you kept looking over at us, maybe at me? you had a beard and a hearing aid, were in sneakers and carrying a sports bag. I think I've seen you on the train before.

You were the cute guy with the reddish-brown beard and a stocking hat (that looked like maybe a chicago or cleveland team??) who got on the F... I was the brown eyed brunette sitting a few seats away in a black peacoat and rain boots reading a magazine. We caught eyes when you got on and kept sneaking looks until I had to get off....

Piece of advice: if you aren't 100% sure which team it is your potential dude favors, best to refrain from even mentioning it. Haven't you people seen Diner?

Although all is not lost for you dudes without beards... as this lady suggests, you could always... grow one. (Otherwise, forget it.)

hey bud.. i was sitting to your left while you smoked a hookah at the bar... could not stop thinking about how sexy you'd be with some scruff or a full on beard. you have the hottest "bear" potential. hit me up!

Scanner Emily, better hurry back-- all these enterprising ladies are staking all the bearded territory...

Via Craig's List.

Did You Hear? The Beard is Back (File Under: No Sh*t, MSNBC)

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone. My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

[Image]

My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

And Then Ryan Gosling Reached Down to Take Off Scanner Emily's Wet Panties...

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

What ever could we be talking about? Only the best idea we've seen yet for a Valentine's Day present.

We've seen our share of craptastic Valentine's Day presents in the last couple of weeks (and a few cool things) but the customized erotic novels might be our favorite. How does it work?

While you can't get it in time for Valentine's Day (it takes a week) you can print an excerpt from the website.

Also, you can order same-sex novels!

[UStar via NYT]

Related:

Dr. Ruth Has Something Sweet for You This Valentine's Day

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Radio Station Gives Away Free Divorce for V-Day

Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.

F*ck Yeah, Ryan Gosling!

Takin' Care of Business

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:31:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder from the Scanner Business Office that:

1. you can reach us quicker on your phoneputer at our direct URL, dailyscanner.com.

2. Scanner Emily is now Twittering, as is Scanner Colleen.

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

I don't really like doing shots. I can get out of them pretty easily by recounting what happened last time I threw back tequila from a tiny glass: "I tried to make out with a girl and threw up in a cab." But I have nothing on Andy Dick who took bodily functions in automobiles to a whole new level when he was wasted.

“When I drink I turn into a moron,” the former comedian tells Entertainment Tonight. “I think I’m being funny and clever, but I look back on the video tape and I border on retardation. People see me as a very easy target and they just make fun of me. It’s horrible, actually. It’s like making fun of a mentally handicapped person, because I am when I have that much alcohol inside of me.”

So when did he “hit bottom”? “Sitting in the back of the cop car urinating all over myself, crying, blowing my nose into my own shirt,” he recalls. “It was incomprehensible demoralization. I also had in one day, my agent, my manager and my publicist say ‘Sayonara!’ That still didn’t stop me.”

[Via Faded Youth]

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