Scanner : scanner blog

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

From Scanner HQ

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Just a few friendly reminders from the Scanner business office:

1. Yesterday Colleen and I (Scanner Emily) were named among the Sexy Twitterati. Are you following us yet? @scanneremily and @colleenkane.

2. Will you be Nerve's friend—er fan—on Facebook! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Just think how cool you'll look to all your other friends.

3. I'm still in the lead to win $200 for my dog-humping-leg missed connection, but to lock it in I could really, really use your 10 stars. It's just two clicks (one to get there and one to vote) and you have no idea how much $200 is to a blogger (like $2,000 to a normal person with a real job).

4. And just in case you've forgotten, you can now reach Scanner directly by typing dailyscanner.com into your address bar.

That is all. Happy Friday.

Today in Sh*tty Emails from Publicists Who Don't Read Scanner: Diet Cookies

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:45:00 GMT

If there's one thing we hate more than publicists sending emails to our personal addresses, it's publicists sending emails about celebrity diets to said email addresses.

Today's offender is Danielle Mayer from the repeat-offending firm 5WPR. The subject line: "Story Idea: American Idol Stars Drop the Pounds by Eating Cookies!"

Anyone who actually reads this blog knows that while we do love cookies, we don't give a fuck about American Idol and the only pounds we like to drop are on a Big Mac when we visit London. And the worst part? She didn't even offer us any damn cookies!

Hi Emily,

The newest item to hit the celeb “weight loss” airways is Dr. ******’s C**KIE DIET. Recently seen all over the news, many celebs such as American Idol Stars, Jennifer Hudson and Kelly Clarkson have been said to have lost weight on this diet. Now becoming the hottest trend amongst celebrity dieting, and with the recent opening of the first ever C**kie Diet store in ******** *****, celebs are flocking to this diet to drop the extra pounds without ignoring their sweet tooth.

Just by eating six cookies a day plus a sensible dinner, the diet that has helped over 500,000 people lose weight effectively, helps to suppress hunger and is now widely available to everyone! I would love to offer you an interview with Dr. ****** himself and/or one of his many weight loss success stories (some of who have lost 120lbs!).

Please let me know if you’d like more information on the diet trend that has entered the lives of your favorite celebs and everyday people! Thanks, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,

Danielle

If you really wanted to get our attention, Danielle, you would have done a little more research, gotten our mailing address and sent us some damn cookies. Or how about "please let me know if you'd like some damn cookies!" Publicity FAIL.

Related:

Amazon's "Girl Scout Cookies"

In Defense of Cindy "Cookie Monster" McCain

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

More Shameless Self Promotion: I'll Give You a Cookie if You Buy My Book

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Takin' Care of Business

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:31:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder from the Scanner Business Office that:

1. you can reach us quicker on your phoneputer at our direct URL, dailyscanner.com.

2. Scanner Emily is now Twittering, as is Scanner Colleen.

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Want to See What We Twat?

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder that Scanner Emily and Scanner Colleen are now on Twitter. We're new to all this and we ~~need~~ want you to follow us so we feel good about ourselves.

Also, we thought we'd let you know that one can Twitter and blog under the comfort of a Snuggie.

Related:

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes (Video)

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

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We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:08:00 GMT

Did you think I was capable of writing only about bearded men and Pete Wentz's penis?

So did I! But apparently that's not the case. I wrote lots and lots of words about how the sex industry is faring in the recession. You should go read it. Here's a little sample:

Even in the midst of Tuesday's joyous inaugural celebration, President Barack Obama turned from his "yes we can" refrain to a chillier "winter of our hardship" line. Pundits and politicians remind us daily that the economy is plunging. As Scanner's lead blogger, I always assumed that the only thing plunging in my vicinity would be necklines. Sex always sells, right? When the stock market collapsed in 1929, people embraced cheap thrills — boozing at speakeasies and visiting brothels — for comfort and distraction. People still hire Scarlett Johansson's breasts to appear in films. Axe Body Spray ads continue to evolve.

But then a struggling alternative weekly turned down my pitch for a sex-advice column. The bunnies Hugh Hefner hasn't fired are fleeing to magicians' hats. I wondered gloomily if Larry Flynt was right that the sex industry was no longer recession-proof.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt said earlier this month in a press release. In an age when two (or more!) equally broke parties can have free, legal casual encounters thanks to Craigslist and other online personals sites, are people still willing to spend what little money they have on sex?

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Bye-Bye Bunnies: Playboy Hops Away From NYC

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Don't get us wrong—we liked Michelle Obama's Inauguration Gown, designed by 26-year-old Jason Wu. We'd be lying if we said we loved it, but still, it was nice. What really struck us about the Obamas last night, however, was the fact that they looked a lot like another First Couple on Inauguration Day.

While men's pants have gotten lower at the waist (thank goodness!), the white one shoulder gown, the white bow tie... it's all very, very similar to the Regans in 1981. Michelle Obama had to have known this going in. Did she care? Did she do it on purpose? Does it matter?

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:59:00 GMT

Because sometimes blogging is more fun when you're drunk...

Highs:

Fuck yeah, Ryan Gosling! Fuck YEAH!

PETA's sea kittens cracked us up in a totally we're-not-taking-you-seriously way. We think.

Boobs. Hilarious, spinning boobs.

Turns out we're not the only ones who haven't seen Star Wars.

We found the funniest graphic ever.

And the hariest bush ever.

We considered the hilarity that would result from Cindy McCain appearing on "Dancing With the Stars."

Mmm. Beards. Bears. Beards and food.

We played a fun little game.

We found the cutest video so far this year.

Or wait, was this it?

Lows:

Turns out we just moved to the worst city for dating, ever.

So then we broke down and twat. What? Yeah.

We were thrilled and creeped out by the Filipino Obama.

Turns out not all Swedes are hot. WTF?

We found our new weight loss strategy: read this every time we're hungry.

We found yet another reason to fight for socialized healthcare everywhere.

We hope we didn't say goodbye to the beard.

We were glad to say goodbye to these Golden Globe hairstyles.

Um, hometown pride?

We experienced the winter blues.

We still don't know what to make of all this.

We got into it with Sarah Palin.

Lower:

Amy Winehouse.

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz's Penis' New Starring Role

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

If you'd like to put all of your personal records and medical history online you should totally use Google Health. [Google Health]

Just in case you didn't catch it the first few times, we're Twittering now. Reluctantly. [Twitter]

More details on yesterday's US Airways plane crash. [City Room]

Kimora Lee ~~Simmons~~ is making more ~~brats~~ babies. [Faded Youth]

Is Tracy Morgan ever out of character? We think not. [PageSix]

Pete Wentz and his penis, er, we mean his wife, will guest star on CSI:NY. [Us]

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Woman Pregnant for 60 Years, Totally Fine

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:59:00 GMT

When a 92-year-old Chinese woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain doctors were, uh, surprised to discover that she'd been pregnant for 60 years.

Huang Yijun suffered a (presumably late-term) miscarriage in 1948. When her doctors told her it would cost "more than the whole family earned in several years" to remove it, she decided to just leave it in there.

Dr Liu Anbin at Qingshen hospital said: "I couldn’t believe my eyes when I discovered she had a baby in her belly. I’ve been a doctor for more than 40 years and it’s the first time I have seen something like this."

That baby has been in her belly longer than he's been a doctor! Medics are now doing tests to determine if Huang needs an operation to remove the baby.

Consultant Xu Xianming, director of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department at the hospital, said, "Normally a dead foetus would decay. It’s very rare that Huang can be so healthy."

Um, yeah.

[The Sun: Pregnant for 60 years since 1948]

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

You Know You're Too Young to Be Pregnant When You're Not Too Old to Be Grounded

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:10:00 GMT

Cause I did it.

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course I did. While you check out the list (after the jump) to find out where your city ranks, I'm going to head over to Petfinder.com to see about getting a few more cats.

Worst Cities for Dating

   1. Kansas City, MO
   2. Wichita, KS
   3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
   4. Detroit, MI
   5. Louisville, KY
   6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
   7. Atlanta, GA
   8. Pittsburgh, PA
   9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Best Cities for Dating

   1. Austin, TX
   2. Colorado Springs, CO
   3. San Diego, CA
   4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
   5. Seattle, WA
   6. Charleston, SC
   7. Norfolk, VA
   8. Ann Arbor, MI
   9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

A glimmer of hope: It should be noted, and noted yet again, that this study was conducted in conjunction with AXE Body Spray (from the Methodology: "AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise...").

Again, if you know any nice bearded men, please send them to Scanner Emily c/o Kansas City, MO.

[Via Plog]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Hey Dudes, Please Think Twice Before Busting Out the Axe Body Spray and Thong

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

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Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Over the past few weeks, I've developed somewhat of an Intercestuous relationship with Rachel Kramer Bussel.

In mid-December, I happened upon Rachel's Facebook page after a mutual friend had RSVP'd for the Cupcakes Take the Cake (Rachel's cupcake blog) anniversary party. As you know, I get a little too excited by food, especially cupcakes. I knew I'd heard her name elsewhere and after poking around her profile I realized that she's also an editor at Penthouse, has edited and contributed to a bazillion erotica anthologies and that she should be my new BFF (though I took no action to make this happen).

Days later, in a fascinating turn of small-world events, I was assigned a piece by SXSW World, the official magazine of South by Southwest. The editor said I was to profile none other than one Miss Rachel Kramer Bussel, who will host a food panel at SXSW Interactive. By the time we met for our interview the following week, she had already purchased my book, and made a recipe from it. She showed up with a copy of her most recent book, Best Sex Writing 2009 (for which I'm currently working up my Amazon review), and a cupcake. Insta-girl crush. (Men, for future reference: shower women with literature and cupcakes.)

Since our meeting, I've interviewed Rachel for an article that should appear on the Nerve homepage any day now, and she added me to the April lineup for her erotic reading series, In the Flesh (it's virgin night!).

Anyway, all of this is a really long explanation to say that she has a great column this week over at The Frisky where she explores the dealbreaker that is The Too Big Penis. Also, in writing this post I hope to coin the term "Intercest."

Okay, time to get to work on that article...

Related:

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes**

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Image by Hilary McHone

We Think Your New Year's Resolution Should Be to Comment More

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:22:00 GMT

Hey, you. Scanner Emily, here. Now that we've put 2008 behind us, let us all resolve to communicate a little more. It's true that some of you have left such awful comments I've been up all night with anxiety. I think someone even made me cry once, many moons ago. But my skin, and the skin of my fellow bloggers, has thickened, plus I've hopefully sent enough threatening emails to the assholes to weed out the worst.

So, come, share, talk amongst yourselves. And if you see something you think we should be writing about, send us a tip.

Thanks and happy new year.

Related: Commenting Will Get You Laid

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PapSmeared: Britney Left Her Bra in 2008, Picked Up a Shirt From 1997

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:28:00 GMT

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Caption This: Bill and Hillary Ring in the New Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

[Image]

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

As you may have noticed, we're cleaning house today in preparation for a radically inventive new year, free of server crashes and other taint.

One way of wrapping it up is a post that covers just about everything you missed in 2008 here on Scanner. And while a Best of the Year list is still to come, we want to make sure you get an overall summation of what went down here in the past 365...

In January, we revealed a new study that indicated abortion rates are plummeting, coinciding with the release of Juno. Our readers claimed the real reason is because there are no more abortion clinics. The same month, I, Scanner Brian and Bobby Tisdale mutually invaded the Nerve offices to demand jobs, neither of us realizing what the hell we were doing. The next thing we knew, we were both blogging here and even making a bit of cash (yes, we get paid to write this garbage! Ha ha ha, suckers.)

In Februrary, Scanner Nicole returned from opening for the Stones and we became a bit too obsessed with Valentine's Day, which will happen again in 2009, despite the economy. Scanner Emily threw a party, at which Katie Halper did a bit about her crazy dating life, which lead to a brief stint blogging for Scanner. (We have a higher turnover rate than an American Apparel secretary pool.) We felt better about the younger generation after hearing about this t-shirt protest and became afraid for the future of England after this one.

The Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March and our obsession with Ashley Alexandra Dupre began. The only other story we can recall about March was our Name That Bush contest. The big story would've been the Lindsay Lohan sex tape or the lost frog, had we ever actually found either.

In April, we ruffled some feathers with this misinterpreted post about some photos of Neve Campbell's boobs. Luckily, everyone was distracted by the blog about the passive aggressive notes or some other bullshit.

May saw the beginning of the end of the Democratic primary, although all we cared about is this totally hot actress with the worst outfit on the planet, even this totally nude non-actress was way more memorable. We also began fixating on vegetables with penises, a problem that continues into the current week at Scanner.

In June, Scanner Bryan (my spelling is the correct one, damn it) left us to for a Remote Island, causing total anarchy and a lack of James Lipton jokes. Scanner Nicole interviewed the owner of the Real Dolls and we... well, we couldn't land any interviews with porn stars so we could kickstart our "regular" feature. Most memorably, a woman was seriously injured by her Victoria's Secret thong and, in our then-biggest story ever, a kid died as a result of a urinary tract infection while his prayed. Yikes.

Then Scanner Emily took off for summer camp in New Hampshire and we were left holding the bag... of flaming shit! Just kidding-- our July was a smash success, mostly thanks to Michael Phelps's peen and other deliberately nude Olympians. Meanwhile, the Naked Lady rode again.

August was the month of stupid people. The stupid people who gave out their bank info (to a teenage boy undercover!) in order to access what they hoped would be a library of child porn. Each day's Sloppy Seconds was chock full of idiocy and weirdness, while Highs and Lows, as is the case with the two previously-mentioned August posts, was all about Sweden, the greatest country for sex, nudity, and nutjobs in the world.

In September, Emily returned from her hot (not very), wet (not in that way), American summer. Scanner was on the floor for Sarah Palin's night at the RNC and got involved with a police-led riot. Speaking of Palin, Scanner Emily wrote about virtually nothing else that month-- and we joined her, only because we couldn't resist posting these Photoshop classics.

As for Halloween, we were already talking about (slutty) Halloween costumes on the third day of October. Meanwhile, Hayden (our former love) pretended to support John McCain on Funny or Die. (By the way, more costumes posts here and here.)

Mid-November, we welcomed Scanner Matt and Scanner Emily started some shit with some Facebook Mormons. (We actually first wrote that as "Facebook Morons" and almost kept it.) At Thanksgiving, we were thankful for getting laid, Arlo Guthrie (not by Arlo Guthrie, thank God), and sweeet 'tater not pie.

Over the last month, there have been many brilliant posts, all of them written by myself, of course. Seriously, though, if you missed out on the last month, start here and read back. (Or just read Scanner Colleen's most beloved post.) This has taken us a century to write as is.

See you next year, sucka!

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

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TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

[Image]

See You Next Year, Suckers!

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:14:00 GMT

Tomorrow I, Scanner Emily, will take advantage of my ~~God~~ Rufus-given day off—well, my two Rufus-given days off—to drink too much and then recover from drinking too much (which may involve drinking too much again). However, there's no need to panic; as I've mentioned before, Scanner Brian needs to blog at least every other day to survive, so you'll be spending tomorrow with him. But when that lovemaking is all said and done, what will you do?

Do you plan to pay a ridiculous cover at some scene-y bar with the high hopes of having crazy New Year's bathroom sex? Or will you, like me, refuse to even step out the front door? Considering that The Ghost of New Years' Past has taken me on so many exciting adventures*, I'm happy to cozy up with a few close friends and more than a few bottles of bubbly. Perhaps it will still end in crazy bathroom sex. Wouldn't you want to have sex in this bathroom?

See you next year... when I'll hopefully tell you all about how the Kahlua ended up in the clawfoot tub.

*2001: On I-70 leaving the crappiest New Year's party ever
2002: Hugging a four-pack of Charmin on the D train, crying
2004: Getting punched in the vagina
2008: Passed out while the cat peed on me because I had closed off the litter box during my "party"

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Hey You, Happy New Year

Back in Two and Two

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

You probably know Jon Favreau, the actor, screenwriter, director and all around guy we'd like to have over for breakfast. You may or may not be as familiar with the new Jon Favreau on the block: president elect Barack Obama's 27-year-old speech writer.

We'd go for the funny bearded (though we realize the error of the goatee in this case) burly guy over the Brad Pitt-esque suit any day—except today. The country is wet for Obama, and so are we. Fucking Obama's speech writer probably falls somewhere along the lines of making out with your crush's roommate in college. It gets you close enough to what you want and at least keeps you satisfied until you get it, or realize you're never going to get it.

So, who would you rather? Jon Favreau or Jon Favreau?

See their dueling Wikipedia entries here and here.

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