Scanner : scanner

Oh, Happy Day! Or, Time to Update Your Bookmarks

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:14:00 GMT

Hey there, Scanners.

Scanner Emily here with some news you can use: we have updated our software. Yes, when you jump, you'll jump to the correct place, when you click "back" you'll end up where you were before. Can you even believe it?! Neither can we. But this means if you want to keep getting your daily dose of WTF, you must update your bookmarks and blog readers to this link.

You hear? There will be no more posts at this URL —no more Scanner Emily, Brian, Colleen, Ina or Drew. You'll just look at this post forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. So please, please, please visit the NEW and IMPROVED Super Scanner and update your bookmarks and blog readers accordingly.

Go there now. We'll see your sexy ass when you get there.

Thanks and love,

Scanner Emily

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Today in Sh*tty Emails from Publicists Who Don't Read Scanner: Diet Cookies

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:45:00 GMT

If there's one thing we hate more than publicists sending emails to our personal addresses, it's publicists sending emails about celebrity diets to said email addresses.

Today's offender is Danielle Mayer from the repeat-offending firm 5WPR. The subject line: "Story Idea: American Idol Stars Drop the Pounds by Eating Cookies!"

Anyone who actually reads this blog knows that while we do love cookies, we don't give a fuck about American Idol and the only pounds we like to drop are on a Big Mac when we visit London. And the worst part? She didn't even offer us any damn cookies!

Hi Emily,

The newest item to hit the celeb “weight loss” airways is Dr. ******’s C**KIE DIET. Recently seen all over the news, many celebs such as American Idol Stars, Jennifer Hudson and Kelly Clarkson have been said to have lost weight on this diet. Now becoming the hottest trend amongst celebrity dieting, and with the recent opening of the first ever C**kie Diet store in ******** *****, celebs are flocking to this diet to drop the extra pounds without ignoring their sweet tooth.

Just by eating six cookies a day plus a sensible dinner, the diet that has helped over 500,000 people lose weight effectively, helps to suppress hunger and is now widely available to everyone! I would love to offer you an interview with Dr. ****** himself and/or one of his many weight loss success stories (some of who have lost 120lbs!).

Please let me know if you’d like more information on the diet trend that has entered the lives of your favorite celebs and everyday people! Thanks, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,

Danielle

If you really wanted to get our attention, Danielle, you would have done a little more research, gotten our mailing address and sent us some damn cookies. Or how about "please let me know if you'd like some damn cookies!" Publicity FAIL.

Related:

Amazon's "Girl Scout Cookies"

In Defense of Cindy "Cookie Monster" McCain

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

More Shameless Self Promotion: I'll Give You a Cookie if You Buy My Book

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Life-Sized Barbie Dream House: I Want to Go to There

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We give Barbie a lot of shit here at Scanner—for her tramp stamp, for being too skinny, for not acting her age and even for making a skeezy porno—but you know what? Fuck that. Barbie brought us a lot of joy back when we were wearing Kissing Coolers and thought that Sesame Street was our "soap opera." Yeah, maybe we'd give her spiky hair cuts and put crazy colors in her spiky platinum 'do with washable markers, but she still loved us and we loved her. And when we were growing up in a government-subsidized townhouse in the meth capitol of the world, you can bet your ass there was nowhere we'd rather have lived than Barbie's Dream House. So forgive us if we're a little too excited about the life-sized Barbie Dream House that opened in Shanghai on Friday.

The House of Barbie, a six-story, hot-pink shrine to the doll—who turns 50 today—boasts a chandelier made of blonde hair, a closet stocked with 100 pairs of pink patent-leather pumps and a kitchen that exists solely for the purpose of baking cupcakes.

Of course, this Barbietopia is also a retail location. And the China market is one reason Mattel chose Shanghai for the flagship store.

Here, dolls range in price from $10 to $200 — for a Barbie in a Vera Wang wedding dress. But is Barbie too blond, too expensive for the China market? At a Shanghai primary school, opinion is divided.

"She's really pretty," says Wang Yiqi, looking longingly at Barbie's pink frilly miniskirt. The 11-year-old is a marketer's dream: she recognizes the specially designed $35 Shanghai Barbie and can't wait to go to the store. Others aren't quite as positive.

"I've got one just like this at home," says 7-year-old Yang Fangchen, "and it only cost $3, and she has a set of extra clothing."

Mrs. Wu, who's picking up her granddaughter, is horrified to hear of the price. "People of my generation find that really expensive. It's definitely not worth it."

In China, Barbie's world is likely to be full of impersonators. Xu Quanning, secretary general of the Shanghai Toy Trade Association, says that Barbie look-alikes for just $1 or $2 were far outselling the real doll.

But don't worry, there is no mass-market Chinese Barbie at the House of Barbie, though Mattell created a special doll which their calling "a pan-Asian likeness" (above right) for the store's opening.

[NPR: Mattel Hopes Shanghai Is A Barbie World]

Related:

The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:29:00 GMT

We here at Scanner are in no way medical professionals. So why in the world would we seek medical advice from others who are? Instead, we like to ask our friends what's up. That's right, we asked a boy who has no medical training whatsoever to break down female birth control for us, because that's how we roll. Okay, really, we are always interested in getting different perspectives on things and when Andy started opining about birth control one night, we thought it would make for an interesting post. But you know, before taking any of this advice in pill or shot or patch or plastic form, consult a medical professional first, please and thank you.

Hello Readers. While I'm new to this blogging thing, I've had a slew of relationships, and like most people I hate condoms and eschew them whenever I get into a long-term relationship. Needless to say, I've learned a bit about birth control in my 31 years. And over a beer, while helping Scanner Emily pack up her shit for a long move (and somewhat relentlessly hitting on her [Ed note: I liked it]), I got into a discussion about my own preferences in birth control devices. Out of said conversation came the idea to post these preferences, just to see if any of you agree or disagree. I preface these by saying that if you aren't in a mutually exclusive thang, and you aren't wearing a condom when you have sex with any one of your anonymous partners, well that's just fucking retarded. But if you are, read on.

The Pill
First, which pill? There seem to be a million now, with cute names like Yazz and shit like that. But my experience has been uniform with the pill, which is to say I've learned to expect the unexpected. Some women are entirely unaffected; some turn into a post-apocalyptic fascist state. And speaking of Yazz and mood alterations, don't trust commercials, ever. The good folks at Bayer and their DTC (direct to consumer) marketers have made a point of suggesting that their pill reduces PMS symptoms (remember the conservatively dressed, thin women kicking words like "irritability" while listening to a vomitously chick-pop version of Quiet Riot's "We're Not Gonna Take It?"). Well, the FDA made them pull the ads for BLATANTLY LYING TO AMERICA. The drug was approved for mildly alleviating some symptoms associated with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), classified as a psychological disorder whose side effects include "severe depression" and "extreme, persistent anger." PMDD is a serious condition affecting only 2-10% of menstruating women; PMS is very, very common. My friends think I get it sometimes, and I have a penis. Anyhow, by the time the ad was pulled, millions of women had already seen it and gone to their doctor thinking that Yazz would get rid of their PMS. Hell, I tried to get a prescription for it; those chicks in the commercial looked so empowered, kicking things in pant suits.

So be careful; the truth of the matter is, PMS is a fact of life for many women, and nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from. In my house growing up, it meant that for two days a month I was to bring my mother and sister a box of chocolate, head to my bedroom, and shut the fuck up. And I was a kid; if I can figure that shit out at age 8, the men in your life can certainly do the same. So according to me and the FDA, don't take birth control pills to alleviate the symptoms of PMS; in my experience you're replacing one hormonally charged mood swing with another. Instead, take birth control pills because you want to have unprotected sex all the time (in a monogamous relationship), occasionally in weird positions, with a guy whose penis you enjoy. That said, from our side, the pill is easy. You're the one who has to take it, and remember to take it. We rarely see you take it, and being men, are not going to remind you to take it, and so it requires a significant amount of responsibility on your part, and trust on ours. This can create the kind of Oedipal relationship the Freudians would have a field day with.

The Diaphragm
No hormones involved, I can understand how women would certainly want that. However, this stupid little rubber thing ruined my last long term relationship, and has for countless others completely removed all spontenaiety from the sexual act. No more pulling over on the side of a highway in the afternoon to nail each other by a road median; no more throwing each other into stairwells during parties, or quickies in restaurant bathroom stalls. Even in the comforts of your own bedroom, sex suddenly requires forethought, and putting something obtrusive and jelly filled inside you. Yeah, yeah, a real loving relationship is about more than sex, right. But if you can't accept that sex is a big part of it, then why are you going on birth control in the first place?

Wow, that was cathartic. Moving on...

The Nuva Ring
This thing is wonderful; that is, until you need to use your vagina. The "small, unobtrusive plastic ring" is indeed obtrusive; when I'm inside a vagina, I like to be the only one inside it. Two's a crowd. Still, it makes for an interesting game of "Operation," trying to hook your finger or tongue around the thing and pull it out without taking her out of the moment. If accomplished, it can be removed for upwards of 3 hours, no harm done. So you have plenty of time to get back into it, if your skills at Operaton are not quite acute.

Depo-Provera
This is the creepiest form of birth control ever. My college girlfriend used it. Psychologically, I didn't notice any changes, but then again, she was always batshit crazy anyway. Physiolgically, you get a shot, once every three months, and then your body literally stops menstruating. The lining of your uterus becomes an unfriendly place for egg cells, your cervical mucus thickens (which is a strange phenomenon for those of us who enjoy going down on a woman first thing in the morning), you lose bone density, and overall, your body simply stops having a period. If you can deal with that, I say go for it; it is by far the most convenient form for women who, like me, are prone to forgetting things. But if you hate needles, or you see something weirdly unnatural about not menstruating anymore, well, I'd say go with something else.

The Patch
You put a patch somewhere on your body, and it delivers your hormones for you throughout the month. The hormone level is slightly below that of the pill, but higher than the Nuva Ring, so you get somewhere in between on the emotional effects. It also looks like you're trying to quit smoking if you go to the beach, but hey, that's noble enough these days. And one time it got caught in the bed sheets and tore off, which ruined a perfectly good moment. But apart from those small issues, I'd say this one is the winner.

Please feel free to respond with any of your own birth control tales, or to mention any of the ones I might have missed. For example, I didn't mention the IUD—never had a girlfriend who used one, and honestly, I don't really have an opinion about it. —Andy

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

We're closing down shop a little early today because we've reached that point in the week when we can no longer put words together. Well, we reached it a few hours ago and realized, 'hey, we have a job that allows us to drink while we work,' so that helped us put these words together. A little. Also, this picture is the first thing that's made us laugh all day, so shut up.

Highs:

We made a promise that we will keep if you can provide the right conditions.

This made us laugh. Out loud.

So did this guy.

We learned that dating is not dead.

We considered moving to California.

While Scanner Brian considered moving to Maine.

And Scanner Colleen decided she won't be moving to Jamaica any time soon.

And he asked who should pay on a first date.

We found out there was a nip slip at the Oscars after all (and we have the one picture to prove it).

You were as confused and strangely pleased by this video as we were.

We discussed Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Lows:

Scanner Brian made us realize, yet again, how lucky we are not to have a penis of our own to play with.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We (hopefully only temporarily) lost our boner for Seth Rogen.

We found out we have some serious competition.

Scanner Brian told us something we probably could have told us if he'd ever bothered to ask.

We were forced to think about Rush Limbaugh for the first time in a long time.

We misspelled the name of a prosthetic dog testicle company. Oops.

We learned that perhaps it's time to mess with Texas.

We developed a healthy fear of household appliances.

The Crazy Baby Lady got an offer to do porn.

Then a counter offer not to.

We wondered if we had a dating problem or a drinking problem. (We think we know the answer now, thanks).

And then we found the last thing in the world we need.

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Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 22:56:00 GMT

In this week's New York Magazine, prediction guru Nate Silver made some oddball predictions, choosing mathematical calculations done on his computer instead of using common sense. We were baffled by one of his chooses, while he wisely stayed away from all of the categories in which the race is too close to call.

We are going to be a bit more courageous here and will take on the crazy Academy in the only way how: by thinking like an Academy voter, a person who doesn't see any of the nominated movies and just vote for whatever the hype machine tells them to. (Hint: This isn't Josh Brolin's year.)

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire, easy. Nate Silver agrees. Will anyone even be tuned in at 4:30a.m. Monday when they finally get to this predictable category? They might've been, if this wasn't the worst and most uninspiring crop of best movie nominees since Titanic faced off against... what were those other ones again?

Best Director: Yawn. Gus Van Sant loses again.

Best Actress: Does Meryl Streep really need a third Oscar statue? Has anyone even heard that Doubt is any good, let alone seen it, loved it, and thought Meryl the best of this year's many great leads? Give it to Kate Winslet, for God's sake-- she's long overdue, especially for Heavenly Creatures, Sense and Sensibility, and that Poseidon Adventure remake-- no, no, the other one.

Best Actor: When you strip all the hype away, Sean Penn might've had the better performance in Milk. But you will lose the Oscar pool this year if you bet against Mickey Rourke...

Best Supporting Actress: Here's where Nate Silver cannot possibly be right. He calls it for Taraji P. Henson for Benjamin Button, in a role that might be described as "a one-dimensional stock African-American female overworked, 'oh Lawdy' character that went out with the Civil Rights era, and a hideously offensive caricature even in the 1930s, when this type first showed up on our screens."

Penélope Cruz, who won the BAFTA for her role in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, would seem the logical default. But computer sez: Benjamin Button’s Taraji P. Henson! Button, which looks like a shutout everywhere else, is the only Best Picture nominee with a Supporting Actress nod, and Best Pic nominees tend to have an edge in the other categories.

That's not thinking like a racist (sorry, but it's true) Academy voter-- there are two black women nominated in this category and only has hype on her side: Viola Davis for Doubt. Meanwhile, Penelope has all the hype, buzz, momentum, whatever you want to call it. Oh, and she's famous-- that can't hurt.

Best Supporting Actor: Apparently, there's some guy named Heath Ledger nominated for one of those Hollywood action movies. The oracle says he may pull off an upset here...

And on to the really competitive categories, which Silver doesn't dwell on:

Best Documentary: Either the Academy didn't consider Waltz With Bashir a documentary or it thought the print was "too loud." That leaves Man on Wire and Encounters at the End of the World, plus longshot Trouble the Water, to duke it out while you head for a bathroom break. While we'd rather hear a long-overdue Werner Herzog acceptance speech (until now, he was the best director never nominated for an Oscar in any category), it looks like Philip Petite will walk a tightrope to the podium with the makers of the documentary about his high-wire act between the Twin Towers. While Man on Wire is a fascinating, even riveting film, it left many unanswered questions, like the typical suspense-thriller it's styled after. Encounters was a tighter, more focused, and ultimately more rewarding experience. Of course, there's something to be said for Trouble the Water, basically a home movie about Katrina that's taken the festival circuit by storm... but we're getting sidetracked.

Best Foreign Film: Waltz with Bashir. France dropped the ball on The Secret of the Grain (we're pretty sure it was in the running to be the country's official selection for the Oscars), choosing to promote the unfulfilling and pointless school drama The Class as its movie of the year. That officially doomed their chances of taking home a trophy-- Waltz will waltz home with the prize.

Here is Silver's original rundown, plus indieWire's superior list of predictions along with a "who should win" for each category that we agree with almost 100%.

Leo's Girlfriend is a Sports Illustrated Cover Girl

And the Critics Choice Award Goes To...

PapSmeared: David Hasselhoff is Hooked On an Alcohol-Induced Feelin'

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:47:00 GMT

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Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Want to See What We Twat?

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder that Scanner Emily and Scanner Colleen are now on Twitter. We're new to all this and we ~~need~~ want you to follow us so we feel good about ourselves.

Also, we thought we'd let you know that one can Twitter and blog under the comfort of a Snuggie.

Related:

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes (Video)

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

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We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:08:00 GMT

Did you think I was capable of writing only about bearded men and Pete Wentz's penis?

So did I! But apparently that's not the case. I wrote lots and lots of words about how the sex industry is faring in the recession. You should go read it. Here's a little sample:

Even in the midst of Tuesday's joyous inaugural celebration, President Barack Obama turned from his "yes we can" refrain to a chillier "winter of our hardship" line. Pundits and politicians remind us daily that the economy is plunging. As Scanner's lead blogger, I always assumed that the only thing plunging in my vicinity would be necklines. Sex always sells, right? When the stock market collapsed in 1929, people embraced cheap thrills — boozing at speakeasies and visiting brothels — for comfort and distraction. People still hire Scarlett Johansson's breasts to appear in films. Axe Body Spray ads continue to evolve.

But then a struggling alternative weekly turned down my pitch for a sex-advice column. The bunnies Hugh Hefner hasn't fired are fleeing to magicians' hats. I wondered gloomily if Larry Flynt was right that the sex industry was no longer recession-proof.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt said earlier this month in a press release. In an age when two (or more!) equally broke parties can have free, legal casual encounters thanks to Craigslist and other online personals sites, are people still willing to spend what little money they have on sex?

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Bye-Bye Bunnies: Playboy Hops Away From NYC

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Don't get us wrong—we liked Michelle Obama's Inauguration Gown, designed by 26-year-old Jason Wu. We'd be lying if we said we loved it, but still, it was nice. What really struck us about the Obamas last night, however, was the fact that they looked a lot like another First Couple on Inauguration Day.

While men's pants have gotten lower at the waist (thank goodness!), the white one shoulder gown, the white bow tie... it's all very, very similar to the Regans in 1981. Michelle Obama had to have known this going in. Did she care? Did she do it on purpose? Does it matter?

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:59:00 GMT

Because sometimes blogging is more fun when you're drunk...

Highs:

Fuck yeah, Ryan Gosling! Fuck YEAH!

PETA's sea kittens cracked us up in a totally we're-not-taking-you-seriously way. We think.

Boobs. Hilarious, spinning boobs.

Turns out we're not the only ones who haven't seen Star Wars.

We found the funniest graphic ever.

And the hariest bush ever.

We considered the hilarity that would result from Cindy McCain appearing on "Dancing With the Stars."

Mmm. Beards. Bears. Beards and food.

We played a fun little game.

We found the cutest video so far this year.

Or wait, was this it?

Lows:

Turns out we just moved to the worst city for dating, ever.

So then we broke down and twat. What? Yeah.

We were thrilled and creeped out by the Filipino Obama.

Turns out not all Swedes are hot. WTF?

We found our new weight loss strategy: read this every time we're hungry.

We found yet another reason to fight for socialized healthcare everywhere.

We hope we didn't say goodbye to the beard.

We were glad to say goodbye to these Golden Globe hairstyles.

Um, hometown pride?

We experienced the winter blues.

We still don't know what to make of all this.

We got into it with Sarah Palin.

Lower:

Amy Winehouse.

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz's Penis' New Starring Role

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

If you'd like to put all of your personal records and medical history online you should totally use Google Health. [Google Health]

Just in case you didn't catch it the first few times, we're Twittering now. Reluctantly. [Twitter]

More details on yesterday's US Airways plane crash. [City Room]

Kimora Lee ~~Simmons~~ is making more ~~brats~~ babies. [Faded Youth]

Is Tracy Morgan ever out of character? We think not. [PageSix]

Pete Wentz and his penis, er, we mean his wife, will guest star on CSI:NY. [Us]

[Image]

Woman Pregnant for 60 Years, Totally Fine

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:59:00 GMT

When a 92-year-old Chinese woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain doctors were, uh, surprised to discover that she'd been pregnant for 60 years.

Huang Yijun suffered a (presumably late-term) miscarriage in 1948. When her doctors told her it would cost "more than the whole family earned in several years" to remove it, she decided to just leave it in there.

Dr Liu Anbin at Qingshen hospital said: "I couldn’t believe my eyes when I discovered she had a baby in her belly. I’ve been a doctor for more than 40 years and it’s the first time I have seen something like this."

That baby has been in her belly longer than he's been a doctor! Medics are now doing tests to determine if Huang needs an operation to remove the baby.

Consultant Xu Xianming, director of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department at the hospital, said, "Normally a dead foetus would decay. It’s very rare that Huang can be so healthy."

Um, yeah.

[The Sun: Pregnant for 60 years since 1948]

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

You Know You're Too Young to Be Pregnant When You're Not Too Old to Be Grounded

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:10:00 GMT

Cause I did it.

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course I did. While you check out the list (after the jump) to find out where your city ranks, I'm going to head over to Petfinder.com to see about getting a few more cats.

Worst Cities for Dating

   1. Kansas City, MO
   2. Wichita, KS
   3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
   4. Detroit, MI
   5. Louisville, KY
   6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
   7. Atlanta, GA
   8. Pittsburgh, PA
   9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Best Cities for Dating

   1. Austin, TX
   2. Colorado Springs, CO
   3. San Diego, CA
   4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
   5. Seattle, WA
   6. Charleston, SC
   7. Norfolk, VA
   8. Ann Arbor, MI
   9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

A glimmer of hope: It should be noted, and noted yet again, that this study was conducted in conjunction with AXE Body Spray (from the Methodology: "AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise...").

Again, if you know any nice bearded men, please send them to Scanner Emily c/o Kansas City, MO.

[Via Plog]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Hey Dudes, Please Think Twice Before Busting Out the Axe Body Spray and Thong

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

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Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Over the past few weeks, I've developed somewhat of an Intercestuous relationship with Rachel Kramer Bussel.

In mid-December, I happened upon Rachel's Facebook page after a mutual friend had RSVP'd for the Cupcakes Take the Cake (Rachel's cupcake blog) anniversary party. As you know, I get a little too excited by food, especially cupcakes. I knew I'd heard her name elsewhere and after poking around her profile I realized that she's also an editor at Penthouse, has edited and contributed to a bazillion erotica anthologies and that she should be my new BFF (though I took no action to make this happen).

Days later, in a fascinating turn of small-world events, I was assigned a piece by SXSW World, the official magazine of South by Southwest. The editor said I was to profile none other than one Miss Rachel Kramer Bussel, who will host a food panel at SXSW Interactive. By the time we met for our interview the following week, she had already purchased my book, and made a recipe from it. She showed up with a copy of her most recent book, Best Sex Writing 2009 (for which I'm currently working up my Amazon review), and a cupcake. Insta-girl crush. (Men, for future reference: shower women with literature and cupcakes.)

Since our meeting, I've interviewed Rachel for an article that should appear on the Nerve homepage any day now, and she added me to the April lineup for her erotic reading series, In the Flesh (it's virgin night!).

Anyway, all of this is a really long explanation to say that she has a great column this week over at The Frisky where she explores the dealbreaker that is The Too Big Penis. Also, in writing this post I hope to coin the term "Intercest."

Okay, time to get to work on that article...

Related:

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes**

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Image by Hilary McHone

We Think Your New Year's Resolution Should Be to Comment More

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:22:00 GMT

Hey, you. Scanner Emily, here. Now that we've put 2008 behind us, let us all resolve to communicate a little more. It's true that some of you have left such awful comments I've been up all night with anxiety. I think someone even made me cry once, many moons ago. But my skin, and the skin of my fellow bloggers, has thickened, plus I've hopefully sent enough threatening emails to the assholes to weed out the worst.

So, come, share, talk amongst yourselves. And if you see something you think we should be writing about, send us a tip.

Thanks and happy new year.

Related: Commenting Will Get You Laid

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PapSmeared: Britney Left Her Bra in 2008, Picked Up a Shirt From 1997

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:28:00 GMT

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Caption This: Bill and Hillary Ring in the New Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

[Image]