Scanner : saturday night live

Sloppy Seconds: Vanessa Hudgens is Ready to Get Naked

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Is it really possible to find an adult friend on AdultFriendFinder.com? [BuzzFeed]

We were just wondering what the hell ever happened to Sinbad. Okay, not really, but if you were... [FlavorWire]

This seemingly drug-induced gibberish is the best recap of last night's Gossip Girl we've read yet. [Gakwer-Defamer]

Hey, remember Eminem? He's trying to help out Detroit's auto industry. [FadedYouth]

Funny Maya Rudolph is knocked up with another probably funny baby. [People]

Katy Perry is thinking of giving it all up to settle down and have babies, but we don't see that happening any time soon (for her or for us). [FameCrawler]

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on getting naked: "Right now, I would feel comfortable doing it, but, like I said, when the time's right, if it's an amazing movie that I'm really passionate about and that's what it calls for, then we'll see," she continued. [Us]

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:12:00 GMT

We don't know how we missed this when it aired (and we can't believe no one sent it to us!).

Saturday Night Live is all about the Cougars this season. So it's no surprise they'd cash in on Barbie's 50th birthday. Cougar Barbie comes with dream Botox and she pole dances to the smooth stylings of Steve Perry.

Related:

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

[Via The Frisky]

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

In the last twenty-four hours, we were sent two videos that happened to have been filmed in 1985. We hadn't seen either of them before-- one involves Saturday Night Live, the other a real commercial that might as well have been a parody on that show-- and they're both hysterical for different reasons.

Your day cannot possibly get more entertaining than this...

First, from the Best of SNL DVD's bonus material (or so we're told), here's Phil Hartman's SNL audition. God, is there anyone like this operating today?

And this is a commerical for "The Music Vest." We would explain what the hell that is if we only could figure out what it was... besides the obvious...

Hope you enjoyed yourself.

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

Keenan Thompson's Real, Live Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hon

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:33:00 GMT

Three days later we're still laughing about Keenan Thompson's 'Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop' skit on Saturday's SNL. Tell us, dear readers, what is more genius: that he shows every picture to his pet anaconda or the two-for-one sale aptly named Ugh, Double Up, Ugh, Ugh?

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Hillary Clinton is the New "Black"?

Simpsons Trying to Be All Hip Again, Gets All Change-y

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:45:00 GMT

With last year's episode in which Homer tries to vote Democrat and has his machine insist on switching his vote, The Simpsons carried a biting political message four years too late. Now, as The Daily Show, Colbert Report, and even Saturday Night Live steal the Biting and Relevant Comedy mantle from Matt Groening, the show's producers have tried a new opening title sequence to celebrate their first episode in high definition.

What do you think? Is the Simpsons still a great show?

Related:

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:02:00 GMT

Sure, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, it means nothing, and you are forced to give some token of affection to the significant other or face the wrath. That's just the deal. But that token doesn't have to be something generic like flowers, chocolates, or those pathetic stuffed animals that no one wants (certainly not any grown woman I know).

To give something more memorable, the secret ingredient is effort. First, you must find out something about the lady you are buying a present for. Is she your girlfriend/wife or are you stalking her? (If the latter, skip this post and step away from everything.) What exactly does she like to put in her belly, accept into her ear-holes or eye-holes, put in her house, put on her body? (It's not specific enough, for quality gift-buying purposes, to simply know that she puts "clothes" on her body. If you need assistance, you can always try consulting one of her friends.)

The following suggestions won't work for everyone, but might provide some inspiration.

* Instead of the default roses, pick her favorite flowers, or plant them for her, or put them in a vase that's her style, such as the glorious Misfits number pictured above. (Also available in KISS, AC/DC, and Thrasher models for way too much $$$ from LeGaragePierreBlanc.com -- it's even French, so, bonus romance.)

* Does she enjoy the sex? How about a gift card to Babeland? They're available in denominations from $20 & up, their business and web store is so woman-friendly, and whatever she chooses could very well become a gift that keeps on giving.

* Can't stand to be apart from each other? Has she always wanted a Love Toilet, as seen on Saturday Night Live? Desginer Sebastian Brajkovic has designed something similar, but without the toilet part.

It's probably really really expensive and you should just duct tape two kitchen chairs together. (Don't do that.)

* Does she have a favorite food treat found only in a faraway land? Is it shippable (or pick-up-able, by you) without causing a gastronomic catastrophe? Deliver it yourself or have it shipped in for Feb. 14 and you will be the PIMP! Some restaurant/bakery websites, such as the often-craved by this writer Babycakes, list shipping info on their website.

YUM

* This is probably the most potentially budget-friendly option: choose from thousands of items on Etsy.com, where you can buy her something that's handmade and likely one-of-a-kind or limited edition (or vintage, or custom-made), like this cool silver and gold branch pendant ($36).

And check Etsy's blog for Valentine-themed items like this sweet card ($3).

Related:

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Holiday Gift Guide: Personal Submarine

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

[Image]

9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

[Image]

8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

[Image]

7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

[Image]

6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

[Image]

5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

[Image]

4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

[Image]

3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

[Image]

2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

[Image]

1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

[Image]

*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

Related:

Top 10 Rich People Who Look Poor

Top 10 Things We Didn't Need to Waste Time Doing This Year But Did Anyway (File Under: Facebook)

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Crush of the Week: Adele

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Who's That Boy?

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:34:00 GMT

No, this isn't a hipster who has come to Williamsburg to upset the throne of Girl Talk (too fat for Wmsbrg). But this lad is coming to claim a throne alarmingly soon.

It's Jimmy Fallon, pictured above doing the "Sears catalog" pose. Hard to believe, but he'll be taking over the Late Night slot in less than a month-- March 2!

Why, I remember when he was just the cute guy who couldn't hold it together on SNL.*

Wait. That isn't what he looked like then. But that is a much-younger Jimmy. His caption, from the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon website:

"I look like a five year old in an 18 month old’s clothes. Go ahead, say something about my saddle shoes mother f****r."

Unfunny Hipster Who Couldn't Get Through "Weekend Update" Competently To Replace Conan O'F*cking Brien

*Scanner Colleen is a longtime Conan devotee and is being very fair by not judging Jimmy's hosting skills before seeing them in action.

Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:47:00 GMT

We refused to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but that doesn't mean we won't see the movie. Julia Roberts is set to play the memoirist/author Elizabeth Gilbert. [Reuters]

An arrest warrant has been issued for Joe "Boobies" Francis and he faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted on charges of tax evasion. Which reminds us, we need to get our taxes done so we can afford to keep our meager boobies safe from Francis. [Yahoo!]

Is naked Obama riding a unicorn officially a meme? [Jossip]

We're not really fans of fake retro anything. But Shaun of the Dead is one of our favorite movies, so we're really excited about this 1960's paperback book cover artwork. It's sort of reverse adaptation. [LaughingSquid]

Staten Island's groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (known by locals as Staten Island Chuck) bit Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference today. We bet that's the last time Bloomie gets on a Ferry. [Star Gazette]

Are we the only ones who don't find the MacGruber SNL skits funny? [Vulture]

Unless you're really cool (we're not) you probably didn't know who Sam Ronson was before she started dating Lindsay Lohan. And according to FOXNews's ever-reliable sources, that's exactly why Sam would never leave LiLo. [FOXNews]

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

[Image]

Going On a Manhunt in the 1980's...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:27:00 GMT

There are about twenty-five laugh-out-loud moments in this video for us, which are all funnier than anything Andy Samberg has done since Chris Parnell stopped making SNL parodies with him.

From Everything is Terrible and via The Frisky, your day is now complete...

1) The part where the woman appears to be touching herself while thinking about "a pint of ice cream and Dallas"

2) "A book with an usual title" and "a stuffed animal" are two conversation pieces which may even cause us to flee from Kate Beckinsale or Jennifer Connelly

3) "Your mother may have taught you that it's rude to stare." But then they have a guy stop at a park bench and leer at a woman for a full ten seconds before deciding to move on. And that's supposed to be a good example of a male prototype!

4) "You know, somebody oughta come up with a newspaper that only has good news in it." Oooh, girls, don't let this stranger talking to you on the same park bench get away, he's an American original...

What are your favorites?

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

Sexy Priest: The 2009 Calendar... From the Vatican

Eliza Dushku Set For Fame Thanks To This Sex Scene

Amy Poehler's Last Show Saved By Blind Man

Ina Maier — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

We have to say that after last week's huffy and puffy exhortation of SNL, we were decidedly disappointed with this past Saturday's showing. Despite the fact that it was Amy Poehler's last show, Kanye sucked and every almost funny skit went on about 4 minutes too long (the opening sketch, as an example, ran for over 9 minutes). There was, however, one bright spot to the evening and it was, shockingly, not Hugh Laurie.

It was Fred Armisen's appropriately un-PC and physically hilairous potrayal of New York's blind but comically-inclined Governor David A. Paterson.

The best part? When Amy attempted to say her tearful goodbyes and got the big-headed box-out from Armisen's daftly wandering Governor.

To be fair, Hugh Laurie made the best of what he was given - which in some sketches was very little, namely: Poehler and Rudolph's Bronx Beat reunion - but we can't help but wish that Amy had been given a little funnier of a farewell.

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

New York Governor Admits Affair. (Yes, the New One.)

Which New York Governor Would You Rather?

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

Ina Maier — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:48:00 GMT

So, not to jump all over the bandwagon or anything, but I've got some pretty important opinions to add to the "SNL is actually funny!" discourse. Namely, that SNL is actually kinda funny! Sometimes. Not always, but often enough to make it finally worth watching. The reasons, none of which have anything to do with Tina Fey, Sarah Palin, or the election, (and videos!) after the jump.

5. Justin Timberlake

Love him or hate him, he's here to stay. He's like the Where's Waldo of SNL: you never know when he's gonna pop up, and somehow it's always funny when he does. See:

Also:

4. Digital Shorts

Made famous from last year's geniusly catchy "Dick In A Box" (Also: Justin Timberlake, see above) and perfected with Extreme Activities Competition (starring, of course, Kristin Wiig; see below), Andy Samberg's Digital Shorts are quickly becoming the skit to reblog on Sunday morning. In honor of said tradition, here's this past Saturday's "Jizz In My Pants".

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

3. Kristin Wiig

Kristin Wiig is by far and away the most underrated cast-member of SNL, if only because her star was briefly (but not briefly enough) dimmed this season by Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impression. Anyone else think that Wiig's would have been better? Anyway, here's my personal favorite, Sue Surprise.

2. The Creepy Factor

Remember back when people actually said SNL was funny? And all the skits were just really random and super strange, but somehow hilarious? Kinda like the Season One original, Chevy-Chase in shark costume, Land Shark skit? Well, they're kinda heading back that way. Or at least trying to. From Paul Rudd's blood-n'-gore filled show to Malkovich's star-turn as Gertie, SNL is going back to it's decidedly strange roots.

1. DVR It's a long show. I know that. It's also on at 11:30 on Saturday nights. And like I said, it's not all funny, only some funny. But with the dawning of the robot-age and everyone and their mother having DVR, you can totally watch it in under 40 minutes flat. I promise. And you can even fast-forward through all the un-funny stuff and, most importantly, the musical guests.

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

If You Like Fey and Poehler and Palin and Clinton, You'll Love Them as Couric and Palin

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:23:00 GMT

You love Tina Fey now, right? But would you have loved her when she was not really fat but considered fat by Hollywood's standards? According to her and Maureen Dowd, and possibly Steve Martin, maybe not.

We haven't received our Vanity Fair in the mail yet, and we'll admit, we just skimmed the online version of Maureen Dowd's profile of the funny lady to find the quote about her famous scar. But the kids over at Daily Intel, who are much more diligent than we are, went through the article and pulled out all the quotes regarding Fey's previous, er, heaviness. And, well, fuck.

• "Her food-obsessed doppelgänger on 30 Rock, Liz Lemon, longs to … go home and eat a big block of cheese."

• Fey's husband describes her in what Dowd calls "her pre-glamour-puss days, back in Chicago. 'She was quite round,' he says, 'in a lovely, turn-of-the-century kind of round — that beautiful, Rubenesque kind of beauty.'"

• "Her true vice is cupcakes. I’ve brought her a box [Ed: Is Maureen Dowd being kind of a bitch here or is it us?], one frosted with the face of Sarah Palin. She chooses that one, which is bigger, joking that it’s O.K. if she gains weight before her Annie Leibovitz photo shoot in a few days, because 'Annie’s going to photograph my soul, right?'"

• "When it comes to her looks, she’s both forgiving and self-deprecating. 'The most I’ve changed pictures out of vanity was to edit around any shot where you can see my butt,' she says."

• "'I really wasn’t heavy in high school,' Fey recalls over lunch one afternoon at Café Luxembourg, where she dutifully switches her order from a B.L.T. to a salad."

• “I’m five four and a half, and I think I was maxing out at just short of 150 pounds, which isn’t so big. But when you move to New York from Chicago, you feel really big.”

• "She saw herself on an SNL monitor as an extra, 'and I was like, 'Ooogh.' I was starting to look unhealthy. I looked like a behemoth, a little bit. It was probably a bad sweater or something. Maybe cutting from Gwyneth Paltrow to me.' She wanted to be 'PBS pretty' — pretty for a smart writer. She called Jeff, who was directing a show at Second City in Chicago, and said, 'O.K., I’m starting Weight Watchers.'"

• "I got to that thing that’s so enjoyable where people tell you, 'Oh, you’re thin, you’ve gotten too thin.' Lorne was like, 'Please, please make sure you’re eating.'"

• "[Adam] McKay recalls Fey telling a story about her heavier days. 'Steve Martin walked right past her at the coffee table, and then, after the makeover, he was like, 'Well, hel-looo — who are you?'"

While we haven't had breakfast yet, this makes us just want to skip it all together so...that... people will love us?

Plus, she didn't look that fat, she was just wearing bad pants. Really bad pants.

[NY Mag: The Secret to Tina Fey’s Success]

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Tina Fey?

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

(Thanks, Nicole!)

Solved Mysteries: Tina Fey's Scar

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:41:00 GMT

We all like to pretend we don't care too much about Tina Fey's scar. But maybe you, like us, have conducted a few or more Google searches... only to settle for reading about the origins of Padma Lakshmi's scar instead.

Now your feeble fingers can take a break. Fey's husband spilled the beans to Vanity Fair.

Liz Lemon [Fey's character on 30 Rock] favors her right side. That’s because a faint scar runs across Tina Fey’s left cheek, the result of a violent cutting attack by a stranger when Fey was five. Her husband says, “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up, and she just thought somebody marked her with a pen.” You can hardly see the scar in person. But I agree with Richmond that it makes Fey more lovely, like a hint of Marlene Dietrich noir glamour in a Preston Sturges heroine...

Fey herself rarely mentions the episode. “It’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it,” she says. Did she feel less attractive growing up because of it? “I don’t think so,” she says. “Because I proceeded unaware of it. I was a very confident little kid. It’s really almost like I’m kind of able to forget about it, until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever. Everybody’s got a better side.”

Okay, but we wonder if she'll write about it in her book. Guess there's no need now...

[Vanity Fair via Gawker]

Related:

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

If You Like Fey and Poehler and Palin and Clinton, You'll Love Them as Couric and Palin

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Tina Fey?

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Image via Vanity Fair

Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

Related:

Porn Star or American Apparel Model?

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Porn Stars: They're Just Like Half of All Adults (By Age 50)

Libertarian Dude, Star of "Predator" and Porn, Is Running For Senate

Ali Lohan: Future Lindsay? Future Porn Star? Is There a Difference?

Marie Claire Writer: I Saw My Sister In A Porn Mag

Photo: Wikimedia

The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

This had better be a fake, dude...

From the Toronto Craigslist's m4w section comes the personal ad of the century. This guy must've received hundreds of responses-- yeah, from guys playing a joke on him...

Check out his ad, titled

"INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)"

(really, no need to read further, especially after he capitalizes "intelligent.")

Hello ladies of the internet! [Translation: Hello Nerve readers making fun of me!]
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. (Honestly, we had no idea people refer to nighttime hours as "the 'even.") As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

Really, that whole last sentence is redundant-- we figured out hours ago you were an "avid gamer," probably somewhere around the word "Asian" in your headline.

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them. [Trying... not to die... laughing...]
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage [As if you weren't picky enough already, guy]
- Large collection of animé and manga [...reducing the list of available women who meet these guidelines to zero]
- Glasses [sort of factored in if you're into manga and video games]
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying [why do we get the feeling his idea of roleplaying is different from ours?]
- Traditional Ladies' education [What, like Miss Porter's School For Girls?!]

Let us reiterate: this has to be a fake. If it's not, whoever whipped it up is sharper than any writer for Saturday Night Live, especially for their brilliant inclusion of the following photo with the ad:

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Hey, Pegasus or whatever your name is: if you're out there, let us know how it's going... in the non-computer generated world, of course...

Via Craigslist.

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:37:00 GMT

When we first heard that Maya Rudolph would play Michelle Obama on Saturday Night Live, we got got pretty excited. Not as excited as we did when we knew Sarah Palin would make an appearance (we actually went home to watch the entire episode), but excited enough (we looked it up online).

Unfortunately, Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen failed to evoke their subjects and while the skit was centered around the Obama campaign playing it safe, it appears the SNL writers were playing it safe—or were just plain lazy— and refused to use anything even remotely negative they had on the Democratic candidate for satire. But hello? Ashley Todd????

A shame after what a good job they've been doing with Sarah Palin. Not that we're not guilty of the same thing here at Scanner.

As usual, Kristen Wiig was funny...

Related:

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Video of the Day: SNL "Annuale" Skit You Missed While Busy Changing Your Tampon

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Just before we wrapped up for the day on Friday, we heard about a man accusing the NYPD of sexually assaulting him by sticking a walkie-talkie up his ass. We're not sure we buy the guy's story, but he did end up in the hospital after being arrested, so that may mean something's up.

Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney is so scared for his political future, he backed out of a debate with his Republican opponent with barely any notice. Meanwhile, we applaud his wife for sticking up for herself by filing for divorce from this pig.

In a bizarre turn of events, Amy Poehler didn't show up for her Saturday Night Live scenes this weekened, although she gave a fairly reasonably explanation:

[H]er former co-stars were celebrating when the show was aired on Saturday night, telling a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby."
Poehler won't return to SNL after her maternity leave - she is planning a spin-off series to the hit U.S. version of The Office.

Aw, man... it's a case of "poof and she's gone." The show won't be the same without you, Amy.

Meet us in St. Louis: "Sex, Politics, and You," an art exhibit, has set up shop in Missouri.

A sixteen-year-old boy asked the Times if they thought it was "unhealthy" that he wants to try on his Mom's lyrca leggings.

What not to do if you are afraid to get married: set a hotel on fire so you can ruin the ceremony. (By the way, his reason for not getting married? He already is married... to somebody else.)

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

Guests at the hotel were evacuated and no one was injured when he set the fire in the early hours of Sunday morning at the resort hotel... west of Tokyo.
Tatsuhiko Kawata and his fiancee had been set to get married before 80 guests. He was arrested after suddenly cancelling the event and behaving suspiciously, the Yomiuri said.

And Jennifer Hudson's sister has pleaded for the safety of her son after Jennifer's mother and brother were murdered in their Illinois home. Jennifer, meanwhile, has offered $100,000 as a reward for the boy's safe return.

Related:

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Fans of Maya Rudolph and Michelle Obama: your political comedy wet dream just came true. [Vulture]

A 23-year-old man died during an eating contest. [SNAFU-ed]

Guy Ritchie has been hitting the town with Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. We can't wait to see what kind-of trouble these three get into. [Us]

George Bush's former press secretary and fame whore Scott McClellan is publicly supporting Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Earlier this week a woman claims she was attacked by an Obama supporter for having a McCain sticker on her car. She said the man carved the letter "B" into her face with a knife. Now, she admits, the story is completely false. [KDKA]

Crush of the Week: Adele

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:09:00 GMT

We had never heard of Adele before Saturday night. It's probable that most of the 17 million people who watched Saturday Night Live to catch a glimpse of Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin last weekend hadn't either. Lucky for Adele, and for us, she happened to be on the most watched episode of SNL since 1994. And we were absolutely blown away by the British songstress.

Adele, who sounds like a sweet, controlled Amy Winehouse, studied at the same school as Winehouse (and Kate Nash). Except, she doesn't appear to be a crack head and she's absolutely gorgeous.

But we're going to shut up now and let Adele do the ~~talking~~ singing.

Video of Adele performing "Chasing Pavements," the first number she sang on SNL, after the jump.

[Adele on MySpace]

The Amy Winehouse Comeback Begins...

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

[Image]

Caption This: Todd Palin's Baby Mama

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:16:00 GMT

[Image]

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:28:00 GMT

Okay, we lied earlier this week when we said other than Tina Fey there was no one better to play Sarah Palin than Kristen Wiig. Boy, were we wrong!

It appears that Ms. Alaska herself will make an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Word has it Palin will be on the show THIS WEEKEND. Considering we don't have TiVo, we're canceling all of our plans, putting on our prettiest pretty, pretty princess dress and the tiara that our friend, the homecoming queen, gave us to wear to prom, and sitting down with a big bowl of moose jerky to watch this shit.

Please, sweet baby Lord Jesus Christ, let her re-enact the swimsuit competition. Please!

Related:

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Little Heaven Into Our Lives

[Image, Image]

In This Particular Case, We Don't Wish Kristen Wiig Well

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

We like Kristen Wiig. Nay, we love her. But there's a lil' part of us that hopes she'll be out of a job come November 4. And here's why.

You see, Tina Fey does a great job playing Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live." But she already has a job, and if the Republicans win next month, SNL will need someone to play the beauty queen turned Alaska governor turned Vice President for at least four years. And who better to play that than Tina Fey? No one. Who better to play it should Tina Fey be tied up with "30 Rock?" Well, Kristen Wiig, that's who.

Straight from the mouth of the ~~Lord~~ Lorne:

'[Fey]’s gone' after the election, said Michaels. 'She has a full-time job' as the creator and star of the NBC comedy '30 Rock,' which returns Oct. 30. Michaels added that “SNL” cast member Kristin [sic] Wiig would likely play the Alaska governor should the need arise past Nov. 4."

You know, with a blonde wig she'd also make a lovely Jill Biden.

[Defamer: Should Sarah Palin Win, 'SNL' Has a Non-Tina Fey Plan B]

Related:

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If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

**Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t**

**"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts**

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:17:00 GMT

Until Tina Fey played Sarah Palin, no SNL skit made us shoot ~~milk~~ whiskey out of our noses like Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box." While we wish Timberlake would re-appear on the show, perhaps putting his dick in a box all over Tina Fey's Sarah Palin in a bikini, this little rendition of "Vote in a Box" with Scanner Nicole's girl crush Jessica Biel dancing alongside JTimb will have to do.

Rumor Mongering: Did Justin Timberlake Impregnate Kate Hudson?

Justin Timberlake Makes Us Kinda Like Sports

Why the Hell Isn't This Our Hand on Jessica Biel's Ass?

This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

The Only Way We'd Love Cheetos This Much Is If They Had Jessica Biel's Ass

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Holly Madison talks about her break-up with Playboy papa Hugh Hefner. [FadedYouth]

When will Tina Fey be back on Saturday Night Live? The suspense is killing us! [Yahoo!]

Mark Wahlberg is getting married to his girlfriend and baby mama, Rhea Durham. What a funky bunch! [People]

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? Probably. Do we care anymore? Not really. [Us]

We have a sneaking suspicion that Hank Williams, Sr. wouldn't be too happy about Hank Williams, Jr. finally giving the Republicans their damn song. Especially because it's the worst version ever of an already sort-of bad song.

Related:

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Crushes of the Week: The Ladies of Mad Men

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:24:00 GMT

We tried to watch Mad Men once and were, have to say, bored to tears. Perhaps we should have first fallen in love with Jon Hamm (who, by the way, is hosting SNL on 10/25, the night Sarah Palin is due to appear and come off slightly more sane), Elisabeth Moss (so much hotter in real life), and the rest of the studs and secretaries that populate this award-winning war on sexes...

Although clearly the hotter look for her, those conservative fifties outfits definitely have something going for them...

...well, maybe not that one. Then there's Christina Hendricks, cover girl of this weekend's Page Six Magazine...

On her character, Joan Holloway:

“Joan is a person I sometimes wish I could be. She’s a presentation. I don’t think she ever lets anyone see who she really is. She’s very confident and pulled together.”

On not being a size 2:

“No one will send me dresses. Designers loan size 2 or 4 samples to actresses, but I’m not that size. It’s like I’m a freak because I’m curvy and I can’t squeeze into those things. I’ve had some problems with that.”

Well, Christina, we don't have any problems with it... or you. And that's why you and Peggy and, hell, even Don Draper are our Crushes of the Week...

Via PageSix.

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Baton Twirlers Busted For "I Kissed A Girl"

The Wire: We Was Robbed (of an Emmy Nomination)

We Didn't Watch The Emmy's, Here's What We Missed...

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:01:00 GMT

We try our best to avoid the painful comedy that is the Tonight Show With Jay Leno. But Wednesday night's show, with Dana Carvey, was the best we've come across in years.

Leno is best when things either go wrong or when he loses the cymbals-crashing punchlines. The other night, he was loose, off-the-cuff, and on a roll... and then Dana Carvey took over...

Now we realized why we missed him so much since he left SNL and the spotlight...

via Hulu.

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Do we sound like your mother when we say that Kirsten Dunst looks so much cuter without a cigarette attached to her face? [Faded Youth]

Clay Aiken addressed his seemingly homophobic Claymates—he's the same old Gay Aiken he's always been. [MollyGood]

We want to eat Suri Cruise. Really. She's so fucking cute. [INF]

Remember when we said chastity belts were bad? Paris Hilton wants kids. Now. [People]

We're not the only ones watching Saturday Night Live just to see what Sarah Palin skit Tina Fey will do next. [Yahoo!]

In case you missed it, here's a clip from Saturday Night Live. Is this our reward in Heaven? [NBC]