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Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate was an unqualified disaster. Not only did voters flee from the novel idea of a female vice President (at least-- this potential female vice president), but they abandoned the Republican Party in greater numbers than ever.

Since the election, Sarah Palin's continued quest for the spotlight has further doomed the Party's chances for taking the White House. There was that whole incident with the turkey and the reenactment of that scene from Fargo. There is that whole string of ethics scandals. And, at last, the Bristol-Levi shotgun wedding sham was finally given up, since the voters no longer cared if the kids "did the right thing."

About the only successful enterprise involving Sarah Palin seems to be Naylin' Paylin, the Hustler-sponsored porn film. Now, Larry Flynt and company are shooting a sequel, which promises to keep Palin in the public eye for a lot longer... if only in the eyes of bugging-out pervs...

From Fleshbot (and via AVN):

Hustler cashed in on the election hype with a quickie follow-up called Obama's Nailin' Paylin, featuring a bonus scene with Guy DiSilva as President Obama.
Why another Palin movie now?
"We'll keep doing it as long as we can get away with it," said Hustler exec Jeff Thill.

Lisa Ann, a.k.a. "Serra Paylin" (why bother to change the spelling at all when the name is pronounced the same way?) is on a strip club tour that stops in Hardeeville, South Carolina next month and other locations TBA. Meanwhile, Hustler is gearing up for Hollywood's Nailin' Paylin, a semi-sequel to their smash of last year.

We're guessing the plot involves Paylin going to Hollywood to seduce rich megastars (of the porn world) in the hopes they will back yet another one of her doomed bids for higher office. Wait, sorry-- did we say plot? It's probably just going to be a whole lotta this:

Related:

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

"Don't Mess With My Governor" Turkey Guy From Palin Video Speaks Out

Scanner Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:15:00 GMT

We should probably call him “Brian the Turkey Slayer.”

Brian Tomes, the man slaughtering turkeys behind Sarah Palin in the infamous video that has earned itself over 2.2 million hits on You Tube alone (PETA must be proud), has finally been hassled by the media.

If you haven’t seen Palin interviewed while some guy nonchalantly murders turkeys in the background yet, watch it now.

The hard-hitting bastion of high journalism that is Inside Edition got to him first:

Brian Tomes says he was just doing his job and "things happen."

That’s very informative.

Tomes was going about his gruesome task of slaughtering turkeys as Palin gave a TV interview, talking about her Thanksgiving plans.

Wherever animals are suffering, she’ll be there.

The farmhand told INSIDE EDITION he didn't realize he could be seen as Palin was speaking."I thought they had panned in on her face…I did try and block the process," he says.

We figured as much.

This is our favorite part:

He says Palin is being unfairly criticized over the video. "The only thing I can say is, 'Don't mess with my Governor!'"

Related:

Video of the Day: Sarah Palin Talks to the Press, Picks Out a Bloody Turkey

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Photo / Inside Edition

Video of the Day: Sarah Palin Talks to the Press, Picks Out a Bloody Turkey

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:14:00 GMT

Earlier this week former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave an interview to a local TV station. Do you think she had any idea that turkeys were being slaughtered right behind her and in full view of the camera?

Video after the jump...

Related:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

David Sedaris On Undecided Voters: Chicken or Sh*t?

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:44:00 GMT

In this week's New Yorker the always hilarious David Sedaris gives us a little analogy to help us all understand where America's undecided voters are coming from.

"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

Amen, David. Amen!

[The New Yorker via Jezebel]

Related:

Obama Draws 75,000 In Oregon By Advertising Hannah Montana Concert

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

Republican To Steal Election For Obama By Running Against Him

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:47:00 GMT

Apparently, just putting a pair of glasses on a porn star and handing her a very powerful gun is enough to convince people she looks like Sarah Palin.

Nonetheless, Larry Flynt's "Nailin' Paylin'" (yes, they spell her name differently, as if there's any mistaking who the subject of the film is supposed to be) has some promising elements, based on this ridiculous photo spread from The Superficial...

While Lisa Ann is fine for an adult film star, we really wish someone would make Tina Fey an offer she can't refuse (as in forty bajillion dollars or more-- if there's any hope she'd say yes) to star in this movie instead...

Here's a link to the above photo's NSFW version, which features nipples described as so fearsome, "they could win their own war on terror."

Based on these photos, does anyone actually want to see this when it comes out, probably two days before the Election, thus sealing a Republican victory?

Related:

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison By Un-American Tampa Court

While You Were Sleeping: The Porn Collage

What's Wrong With This Picture... Of Her Hand?

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:14:00 GMT

You've seen the swimsuit competition, and the talent portion of the Sarah Palin beauty pageant, but nothing prepares a woman for an inaugural ball like a strut across the state in a sparkly evening gown. And when you combine strutting, sparkles and speaking... well, you've got yourself executive material right there. Especially when she speaks to the goodness of our creator, Lord Jesus Christ:

“God has made us this promise: If we will commit our works to Him, we will succeed. Our lives can be enhanced by applying this, and by thinking optimistically. In Alaska we have mosquitoes. We also have the most beautiful mountains in the world. The choice is ours as to which we’ll focus on.”

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture?

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: It's a Cold, Black Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:55:00 GMT

Last night's vice-presidential debate was the highest rated, televised VP debate ever. [Yahoo!]

Even Hillary Clinton had some nice things to say about Palin's performance. [Faded Youth]

And we kind-of hate Sam Ronson a little right now. [People]

“Nailin’ Paylin” is a “naughty adventure to the wild side of that sexy Alaska governor,” featuring “girl-on-girl lovin’,” “nailing the Russians, who come knocking on her back-door,” and a younger Palin getting seduced by her creationist college professor who “will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!” [The Frisky]

Things are just as exciting, but less fun at Gawker Media where 19 people are about to lose their jobs. [Gawker]

Just in time for the bailout to be approved by Bush. [NYT]

An “expressionless” seven-year-old boy broke into a zoo, bludgeoned to death giant lizards and fed them – and other live animals - to a crocodile named Terry in Outback Australia this week. What the hell is going on in the world!? [MollyGood]

[Image]

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

[Image]

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 19:50:00 GMT

This is a slightly censored photograph of a nude portrait of Sarah Palin on the wall of Chicago's Old Town Ale House. The Ale House is famous for its wall art -- featuring portraits of Albert Einstein and Chris Farley, to name a few -- and last Thursday they unveiled a portrait by the bar's co-owner and resident artist Bruce Elliott of Palin in the buff.

And so, we have, after the jump, Palin in the buff on the wall of the Old Town Ale House via Brian Boyer:

If it isn't odd enough that the painting exists at all, check out Elliott's reply, when asked about the moose:

The moose is there because it realizes she’s going to turn around and blow his brains out.

Uh, intense. Maybe true. Definitely weird. And, since we know by now that there aren't any actual nude or bikini photos of the VP nominee, who served as Elliott's figure mode?

His daughter, Grace.

Sarah Palin's nomination as the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate was the greatest thing to happen to the genre of nude photography and portraiture in the recent history and as a subject, she's quite an inspiration.

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:36:00 GMT

~~Hootie~~ Darius Rucker, front man of Hootie and the Blowfish, has bumped Jessica Simpson from the top of Billboard's country chart. Um, is Hank Williams rolling over in his grave? [Us]

Heather Mills gave hamburgers to poor kids in the Bronx last weekend. Except she didn't exactly tell the kids the burgers were vegan. [Gourmet]

We imagine 13-year-old Christian girls (and their mothers) with no taste in music and boys are about the only ones not happy about Clay Aiken coming out. [People]

Yes, we were right. [Radar]

Will you buy Blair and Chuck's albums? We will not. Though we also said we would not watch "Gossip Girl".. sigh. [MTV]

Just as you should not go to George Clooney with a medical emergency (save something stuck in your vagina), you probably shouldn't go to Michael Douglas in times of financial crisis. But hell, nobody else is doing a good job of fixing it, so maybe the "Wall Street" star can offer some hope? [Yahoo!]

If what The Enquirer says is true (hey, they were right about John Edwards) then Sarah Palin used to fuck a snowmobile dealer named Brad Hanson, yet another business parter of poor Todd Palin. [Wonkette]

Crush of the Week: David Kernell, The Palin Hacker

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:06:00 GMT

Meet David Kernell, he's the son of Tennessee Democratic state representative Mike Kernell, a University of Tennessee student and the man (the boy?) accused of hacking Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account last week.

He's also kind-of hunky.

We don't necessarily advocate computer hacking. After all, we wouldn't want to be hacked (lord knows after doing this job we have some scandalous shit cached here). But we do respect the kid's desire to be involved in the political process.

Imagine what the world would be like if all twenty year olds were this politically aware? The hacking incident did shed light on what many suspected, that Palin does a good job of mixing business with pleasure, as the Yahoo account was a personal one she used for Government business.

For that, David Kernell is our crush of the week.

Of course, considering we crushed on (and later went out with) the guy who got expelled for 90 days for selling acid in high school, it's no wonder we have a crush on lil' David Kernell.

[Wired: No Indictment Tuesday Against Palin Hacker]

Related: