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Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate was an unqualified disaster. Not only did voters flee from the novel idea of a female vice President (at least-- this potential female vice president), but they abandoned the Republican Party in greater numbers than ever.

Since the election, Sarah Palin's continued quest for the spotlight has further doomed the Party's chances for taking the White House. There was that whole incident with the turkey and the reenactment of that scene from Fargo. There is that whole string of ethics scandals. And, at last, the Bristol-Levi shotgun wedding sham was finally given up, since the voters no longer cared if the kids "did the right thing."

About the only successful enterprise involving Sarah Palin seems to be Naylin' Paylin, the Hustler-sponsored porn film. Now, Larry Flynt and company are shooting a sequel, which promises to keep Palin in the public eye for a lot longer... if only in the eyes of bugging-out pervs...

From Fleshbot (and via AVN):

Hustler cashed in on the election hype with a quickie follow-up called Obama's Nailin' Paylin, featuring a bonus scene with Guy DiSilva as President Obama.
Why another Palin movie now?
"We'll keep doing it as long as we can get away with it," said Hustler exec Jeff Thill.

Lisa Ann, a.k.a. "Serra Paylin" (why bother to change the spelling at all when the name is pronounced the same way?) is on a strip club tour that stops in Hardeeville, South Carolina next month and other locations TBA. Meanwhile, Hustler is gearing up for Hollywood's Nailin' Paylin, a semi-sequel to their smash of last year.

We're guessing the plot involves Paylin going to Hollywood to seduce rich megastars (of the porn world) in the hopes they will back yet another one of her doomed bids for higher office. Wait, sorry-- did we say plot? It's probably just going to be a whole lotta this:

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Scarlett Johansson Sells Snot on Ebay

Scanner Matt — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:43:00 GMT

The stuffed-up Scarlett Johansson, who claims she has Samuel L. Jackson's germs, thinks her liquid mucus is liquid cash. What a jerk.

Both Leno and Johansson were so amused with themselves on the Tonight Show last night, it was more sickening than actually watching Johansson blow her nose and look at it before she packages it up for an Ebay auction, which can be found here.

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Joe the Plumber: McCain Made Me Feel "Dirty"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, not to be confused with Sloth from Goonies, spoke out in a radio interview with giant toddler, Glenn Beck, about being "appalled" at what went on inside McCain's bus.

In a walk down campaign memory lane Joe said of John McCain, “I asked him some pretty direct questions... Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive — they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Yikes! So why didn't you get off the bus, Joe?

“...honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

Well put.

Wurzelbacher explained he felt “dirty” while “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

But in the end there was a silver lining to the political rain cloud Joe had endured, “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal.”

And Joe knows about being, "the real deal." He also seems to confuse a candidate's qualification's with his own horniness:

You know, I only got to spend a short amount of time with her but, you know, it was been asked if I felt any presence when I was with John McCain or Barack Obama. You know, with Sarah Palin, I don't want to say I felt a presence but she definitely had energy... You know, she wants to serve us.

If you're still looking for a Christmas present this holiday, Joe, the master of eloquence ("it was been asked if"), is coming out with a riveting new book.

Full story at Politico and complete radio interview here.

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**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

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Stop Saying the New Tina Fey Catchphrase

Scanner Matt — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 18:39:00 GMT

It's not the Palin-inspired, "You betcha!" but likely a line Fey came up with herself. We've overheard the phrase used 3 times in public already while unintentionally eavesdropping in New York City.

In the lastest episode of 30 Rock, Tina Fey has a one-liner she likes so much she uses it later on in the show as well. "I want to go to there," spoken with a robotic childlike intonation intentionally putting the accent on the wrong words in the phrase for comic effect while referring to something silly that inspires personal longing. It works when Tina does it, but the amateur impressionists are getting annoying. Here's the original (in the last 10 seconds of the clip):

For example, we heard it in a boutique in Brooklyn on Saturday:

Random Lady (referring to a handbag): Oh, look at that bag!

Random Lady's Lame Friend (walking toward the handbag in a faux trance): I want to go to there.

(Shared naughty giggling follows)

Bleck.

We hope this isn't going to sweep our nation of pop culture parrots. It's reminiscent of the nauseating Jim Carrey retort, "All righty then!" from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective when everyone attempted to reproduce this brand of sarcasm in agressive and obnoxious barks, constantly.

Please stop it. You're embarassing yourself.

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[Image]

Presidents Who Smoke: A Photo History

Scanner Matt — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:52:00 GMT

An unscientific study (we conducted ourselves) has proven 61% of all U. S. presidents smoked tobacco or are still smoking it. We have compiled pictures and information from various presidential websites, historical societies and a very helpful article we dug up from an old issue of Cigar Aficionado (we also stumbled across an interesting compilation of political cigar boxes at Cigar History) to discover more presidents than not take part in one of America's favorite (though fleeting) past times: Smoking.

This shouldn't come as a suprise. Several presidents of the last century were notorious smokers who lit up constantly in the White House even while regulating tobacco themselves (like Spitzer's crusade against prostitution,--we'll get to Clinton in a bit). As the legendary story reveals John F. Kennedy gave orders to Press Secretary Pierre Salinger to round up as many Corona cigars (JFK's favorite) before signing the Cuban trade embargo. Salinger later reported 1,200 Coronas in his possession. It was not until the Clinton administration when an absolute no-smoking policy was implemented in the White House and Hillary happily removed all the ashtrays from the premises. So where might Barack Obama sneak a smoke? It's rumored that Willie Nelson fired up on the White House roof when invited to spend a night, though we doubt it was tobacco he was smoking.

The Smokers:

2. John Adams, 1797-1801 A cigar man

4. James Madison, 1809-17 Also a stogie-lover

6. John Quincy Adams, 1825-29 Yet another cigar man

7. Andrew Jackson, 1829-37 Liked a cigar, but more so chewing tobacco

8. Martin Van Buren, 1837-41 All about the pipe

9. William Henry Harrison, 1841 Pipe guy too

10. John Tyler, 1841-45 Cigars

12. Zachary Taylor, 1849-50 Cigars too

17. Andrew Johnson, 1865-69 Liked cigars

18. Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-77 Cigar fiend, rumored to smoke 20 stogies a day

21. Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-85 Cigars

22. Grover Cleveland, 1885-89 Chew

23. Benjamin Harrison, 1889-93 Cigar

24. Grover Cleveland, 1893-97 Continued to chew

25. William McKinley, 1897-1901 Obsessive secret smoker of cigars behind closed doors

27. William Howard Taft, 1909-13 At 300 hundred pounds he quit cigar smoking when he reached office, which may have resulted in even further weight gain

29. Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-23 Cigars

30. Calvin Coolidge, 1923-29 Liked to use cigars as a prop to punctuate political discussions

31. Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-33 Incessant smoker of high-end cigars

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-45 Finally, a cigarette guy and our first chain smoker president

34. Dwight David Eisenhower, 1953-61 Cigarettes

35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-63 Cigars and cigarettes (loved Cubans) and it's reported Jackie O went through 3 packs of Salems a day

36. Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-69 Cigars and the occasional rolled cigarette

37. Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-74 The occasional cigar

38. Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr , 1974-77 Nonstop pipe smoker

42. William Jefferson Clinton, 1993- 2001 Yeah, you know it

43. George W. Bush, 2001- 2009 There's no proof of W. smoking but come on, the guy was an alcoholic who must have puffed something, yet with no proof we couldn't include him in our survey

44. President Elect Barack Obama - Now we all know this guy was and maybe still is a smoker, but that picture passed around the internet was a fake:

Related:

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"Don't Mess With My Governor" Turkey Guy From Palin Video Speaks Out

Scanner Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:15:00 GMT

We should probably call him “Brian the Turkey Slayer.”

Brian Tomes, the man slaughtering turkeys behind Sarah Palin in the infamous video that has earned itself over 2.2 million hits on You Tube alone (PETA must be proud), has finally been hassled by the media.

If you haven’t seen Palin interviewed while some guy nonchalantly murders turkeys in the background yet, watch it now.

The hard-hitting bastion of high journalism that is Inside Edition got to him first:

Brian Tomes says he was just doing his job and "things happen."

That’s very informative.

Tomes was going about his gruesome task of slaughtering turkeys as Palin gave a TV interview, talking about her Thanksgiving plans.

Wherever animals are suffering, she’ll be there.

The farmhand told INSIDE EDITION he didn't realize he could be seen as Palin was speaking."I thought they had panned in on her face…I did try and block the process," he says.

We figured as much.

This is our favorite part:

He says Palin is being unfairly criticized over the video. "The only thing I can say is, 'Don't mess with my Governor!'"

Related:

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Photo / Inside Edition

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:47:00 GMT

Apparently, just putting a pair of glasses on a porn star and handing her a very powerful gun is enough to convince people she looks like Sarah Palin.

Nonetheless, Larry Flynt's "Nailin' Paylin'" (yes, they spell her name differently, as if there's any mistaking who the subject of the film is supposed to be) has some promising elements, based on this ridiculous photo spread from The Superficial...

While Lisa Ann is fine for an adult film star, we really wish someone would make Tina Fey an offer she can't refuse (as in forty bajillion dollars or more-- if there's any hope she'd say yes) to star in this movie instead...

Here's a link to the above photo's NSFW version, which features nipples described as so fearsome, "they could win their own war on terror."

Based on these photos, does anyone actually want to see this when it comes out, probably two days before the Election, thus sealing a Republican victory?

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Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:14:00 GMT

You've seen the swimsuit competition, and the talent portion of the Sarah Palin beauty pageant, but nothing prepares a woman for an inaugural ball like a strut across the state in a sparkly evening gown. And when you combine strutting, sparkles and speaking... well, you've got yourself executive material right there. Especially when she speaks to the goodness of our creator, Lord Jesus Christ:

“God has made us this promise: If we will commit our works to Him, we will succeed. Our lives can be enhanced by applying this, and by thinking optimistically. In Alaska we have mosquitoes. We also have the most beautiful mountains in the world. The choice is ours as to which we’ll focus on.”