Scanner : sarah palin

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean: A Beauty Pageant Publicity Stunt Made in Hell

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Remember that mockumentary Drop Dead Gorgeous with Kirsty Allie and Kirsten Dunst, directed by Michael Patrick Jann (who was that one weird-looking member of The State who never had any lines?). That movie was basically a real-life doc on this story about Sarah Palin and Miss "I Hate Homos, but I love Stripping for Cash" California, Carrie Prejean:

Now Palin has said (and I quote), that she too knows the sting of "the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks." Um, what? Sorry, we couldn't hear you all the way up there in your state of irrelevance. But maybe if you and Prejean decided to team up and do some kind of nude reality show/beauty contest...

In Light of Recent Boob Photos, Trump Lets Prejean... Stay?

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Son of the Montauk Monster!

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Now you know why we voted for him (at least in part): Obama is redirecting all of the abstinence-only money, some $138 million, to the actually-effective methods of sex ed.

Agree with almost every word of this list of the thirteen people/things that ruined it for everyone else, although Jersey could only have been helped by a show as great as the Sopranos.

Fleshbot makes a case for those Rihanna photos-- the ones her people are so upset about-- being fakes.

Susan Boyle did Oprah-- is she ever going to sing another song or just wave to photographers and do sparse interviews? She also turned down a makeover.

An Iraqi journalist who isn't exactly on board with the Palin campaign met with the Governor yesterday and said only that her voice was "annoying in person."

The adorable fawn and bobcat seen above are best buds after being rescued from the Santa Barbara wildfire. Ellen Degeneres and others are raising money for the animal rescue efforts, which are already overwhelmed with the number of cases.

Figleaf's Real Adult Sex has some good advice for those-- including, possibly, Rihanna-- who were the victims of someone "posting 'sexually incriminating' information against their will."

And Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is apparently outed with a slew of evidence in a new film released over the weekend, announced he will run for Senate.

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

Related:

Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

You Can Take the Boy Out of Chelsea...

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

Crazy "Opposite Marriage" Lady Strikes Back

Colleen Kane — Tue, 05 May 2009 20:10:00 GMT

Sooo, turns out Carrie Prejean was none too pleased about those leaked photos of her that we, and many others around the Internet, mentioned this morning.

It just goes to show, according to her, that sites who ran this story are intolerant haters using intimidation tactics to silence her opinion. Her statement follows after the jump.

On April 19, I chose to answer a question during the 2009 Miss USA pageant in an honest and personal manner that expressed my views of the long-established definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. Yet my comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street.

I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.

She addresses the site the photo appeared on, TheDirty.com, "that openly mocks me for my Christian faith."

I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. But these attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive. While we may not agree on every issue, we should show respect for others' opinions and not try to silence them through vicious and mean-spirited attacks.

She may have a bit of a point; there are some ugly remarks on that post with the photo, but that's the Internet. If you're a public figure and you have nude photos, they'll turn up on the Internet whether you support gay marriage or call yourself a Christian or not. But yes, this is a way to point at her and go "na-na-na-na-naaaa naaaa" for being holier than thou.

But Crazy Opposite Marriage Lady will not let this controversy bring her down. She says she will "continue to support and defend marriage as the honorable institution it is. I will continue to stand with the overwhelming majority of the American people and the voters of my home state of California."

"If this whole experience has taught me anything, it is our precious right to speak freely, and how we as Americans can never allow anyone or any group to intimidate or threaten us to keep silent."

Wow, what a courageous freedom fighter. Palin/Prejean, 2012?

Miss California Carrie Prejean Appears In New Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

How To Piss Off Perez Hilton

[Us]

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:51:00 GMT

The famous Calendar Girls are back... and sexier/older than ever, of course.

Lindsay Lohan talked to saintly Ellen Degeneres about her breakup with Samantha Ronson.

The verdict against The Pirate Bay has been thrown into question after the defense was able to tie the judge to "the copyright lobby."

The Weekly Vice had three stories yesterday that caught our attention: one was about a teacher who sent a turd home with a student who may have taken a dump in her class, and the other two were about teachers have sex with underage students. Our kind of news day.

Defamer wonders whether the titan of independent film is going out of business.

As if True Blood needs anymore sex appeal: Evan Rachel Wood is joining the HBO series.

Maybe the wedding is real after all: Spencer Pratt reportedly spent a quarter of a million dollars on his bride-to-be in the lead up to tomorrow's (fake?) wedding.

Sarah Palin has had to set up a legal defense fund to help fight all the ethics complaints against her.

Here's your dumbass of the day: a woman broke into a minimum security prison to have sex with her boyfriend, proceeded to have a loud argument with him the alerted everyone to her presence, and was arrested at the scene after her boyfriend escaped.

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Levi Johnston

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The IMF says we'll have to stick it out one more year before an economic recovery.

Japanese boy bands are all growing up and getting naked and drunk and arrested.

The third Twilight film will be directed by a man. Man, woman, Werner Herzog-- no matter what gender is at the helm, it's still going to blow.

Mel Gibson's alleged mistress is keeping a sex diary comparing all the different men she's slept with.

Rick Ross claims rapper 50 Cent is finished. Woo hoo! Can we finish off the rest of these no-talent top 40 artists along with him?

Levi Johnston has gone from being the #1 puppet in the Palin VP campaign to the biggest threat to her 2012 chances.

The new American family: Dad robs people, Mom drives the getaway minivan, and the kids play inside the car.

This sounds like one kickass documentary.

"Dog" the Bounty Hunter was nearly killed in Colorado after a suspect shot at him during an attempted arrest.

And Lindsay Lohan is dating dudes again-- this time, Brits are on her hit list.

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

How far is too far in the quest for employment? If you're still unemployed, then you haven't gone far enough.

We're glad PETA is using the lovely and highly intelligent Alyssa Milano in their ad, but we kinda wish they had made her show more skin.

Miss Maryland USA 2004 was busted for drugs. No, not for doing drugs... selling drugs.

Friends with benefits relationships account for 60% of college couples.

We're going to put a Dylan bootleg mix CD together for Senator Feingold.

The 2009 Pillow Fight in New York City was held outside the Stock Exchange as some sort of protest.

What exactly was a UK regulator thinking when it fined the Playboy Channel thousands of pounds for broadcasting sexual content? What did everyone think they were going to broadcast?

Vote for the next star of PG Porn.

We already mentioned Levin Johnston on Tyra. What we didn't mention was that he said that the loving couple stayed over at the Governor's house on several occasions and that Sarah Palin "probably knew" her daughter had an active sex life. This woman is the very personification of "fail."

And if Regina Lynn's blocked on Southwest's in-flight wifi, so must we...

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Attention, ladies: Gerard Butler's next movie features the actor in a nude scene.

Bruno has been slapped with an NC-17 rating for pervasive sexxx.

Josh Hartnett is in the hospital for stomach pains. Cue gerbil allegations in three, two...

The weirdest (but maybe most interesting) story in ages: the woman who starved her 1-year-old son to death because her cult would not let the boy eat unless he said "Amen" pled guilty in the most unusual plea deal we've ever heard of. Prosecutors claim that the only way they could get her to take the deal was to promise-- and this they had to do in open court-- that, should the child be resurrected (as his mother claims he will one day), the charges are withdrawn. God bless Baltimore, baby.

A boy (age unknown) won a $2.3 million negligence settlement against the physician who botched his circumcision. I wouldn't do it for anything less than moving the decimal point two places to the right.

Oprah Winfrey's famous South African school is seeing its second sex scandal in as many years.

Sarah Palin has to pick a Democrat to fill a state Senate seat in Alaska. So, of course, she has a Republican switch his voter registration, say that there was something "wrong" with it, and take the seat. This is totally excusable politics, except for the fact that they're so sneaky and lie about their reasoning, the Democrats who have to accept this will never do it. Can Governor Palin do anything right?

A bunch of Somali pirates attacked... a decoy ship filled with troops looking for pirates to capture. Nice.

And Holly Madison claims to have insisted on "minimal" Photoshopping at Playboy during her time there.

Sloppy Seconds: What Do Sarah Palin And Tom Cruise Have In Common?

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:55:00 GMT

Natasha Richardson's autopsy report has been released and the cause of death is an epidural hematoma, in other words: hitting her head. Remember kids, please wear a helmet!

Speaking of advice, watch out for spiders in Whole Foods. Apparently the world's deadliest kind like to hang out in the produce section.

Signs the economy is really in the crapper: Tom Sizemore steals cell phones and a Rhode Island strip club is hosting a job fair.

Cheer up, though -- at the very least, you're better off than Project Runway's Kenley Collins, who is hanging out in a Brooklyn jail after attacking her sleeping ex-fiance with "her pet cat, water, several apples and laptop."

You can also sleep more soundly than Collins' ex-fiance because cellar monster Josef Fritzl has been found guilty on all counts and will be spending the rest of his life in a psychiatric unit.

Lastly, and somewhat most terrifyingly: Sarah Palin is seeking the advice of an OT-VII level (the cult's second most powerful level) Scientologist in preparation for her 2012 presidential run. Yes.

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Woman Gives Her Laptop to Cops in Hopes They'll Bust Her Ex...

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate was an unqualified disaster. Not only did voters flee from the novel idea of a female vice President (at least-- this potential female vice president), but they abandoned the Republican Party in greater numbers than ever.

Since the election, Sarah Palin's continued quest for the spotlight has further doomed the Party's chances for taking the White House. There was that whole incident with the turkey and the reenactment of that scene from Fargo. There is that whole string of ethics scandals. And, at last, the Bristol-Levi shotgun wedding sham was finally given up, since the voters no longer cared if the kids "did the right thing."

About the only successful enterprise involving Sarah Palin seems to be Naylin' Paylin, the Hustler-sponsored porn film. Now, Larry Flynt and company are shooting a sequel, which promises to keep Palin in the public eye for a lot longer... if only in the eyes of bugging-out pervs...

From Fleshbot (and via AVN):

Hustler cashed in on the election hype with a quickie follow-up called Obama's Nailin' Paylin, featuring a bonus scene with Guy DiSilva as President Obama.
Why another Palin movie now?
"We'll keep doing it as long as we can get away with it," said Hustler exec Jeff Thill.

Lisa Ann, a.k.a. "Serra Paylin" (why bother to change the spelling at all when the name is pronounced the same way?) is on a strip club tour that stops in Hardeeville, South Carolina next month and other locations TBA. Meanwhile, Hustler is gearing up for Hollywood's Nailin' Paylin, a semi-sequel to their smash of last year.

We're guessing the plot involves Paylin going to Hollywood to seduce rich megastars (of the porn world) in the hopes they will back yet another one of her doomed bids for higher office. Wait, sorry-- did we say plot? It's probably just going to be a whole lotta this:

Related:

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:39:00 GMT

We all had fun making fun of Bristol Palin and her baby daddy Levi Johnston during the election. Maybe even too much fun. But now that the couple's engagement has ended, teen weeks after their child was born, the New York Times asks, should we just leave Bristol Palin alone?

[It] speaks to the larger question of where the private becomes the public and whether, once the line is crossed, it is possible to go back....

Once the McCain-Palin ticket lost and the spotlight faded, so too, apparently, did the romance. The baby came along at the end of December and a wedding never materialized. Ms. Palin recently made a cheery statement that Mr. Johnston was a “hands-on” dad. But on Wednesday he confirmed to the Associated Press a Star magazine report that he and Ms. Palin mutually decided “a while ago” to call things off. They then moved on to public recriminations, with Ms. Palin issuing a statement suggesting that her former betrothed and his sister had been trying to “cash in” on the Palin name.

From [Kitty] Dukakis [who battled alcoholism] to Betty Ford, the families of politicians have watched their lives become tabloid fodder; some politicians, from Bill Clinton to former Senators John Edwards of North Carolina and Larry E. Craig of Idaho, have created the fodder themselves. In the past, when a campaign or term in office has ended, the families, at least, have been able to go back to their private lives. But that seems harder now in the 24/7 media culture and will probably be difficult for Ms. Palin, whose mother is still governor of Alaska and has hinted at a future run for national office.

It's not Bristol Palin's fault that she's getting all of this seemingly unwanted attention. But it's not necessarily the media's fault either. As Tina Fey as Sarah Palin said: “I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.”

[New York Times: Canceled Palin Wedding Becomes a Public Matter]

Related:

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:25:00 GMT

The National Abstinence Education Association is lobbying on Capitol Hill all day today, seeking continued funding for their ineffective, inaccurate, and downright dangerous agenda.

You know what we say here at Scanner, as does Sarah Palin's daughter Trapper Keeper (or whatever her name is): Abstinence -only education makes the belly grow rounder. If you agree, here's what you can do today to fight the power.

Send a letter to your representatives in seconds using this form on Amplify Your Voice.

Related:

Sex Ed is Rotten in the State of Texas

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

Abstinence-Only Tip Of The Week: A cup of Bleach A Day Keeps The AIDS Away

via Feministing

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

This weekend's election in Spain went well for European conservatives, who routed the socialists in this strangely-headlined story.

A rape crisis center raised a few eyebrows by featuring a nearly-naked dancer as its headliner for a fundraiser.

The Jonas Brothers didn't have the world's greatest weekend...

U2 played one of their famous rooftop gigs.

The pointless CPAC straw poll went in favor of Mitt Romney, with Jindal in second and Palin in fourth. (Remember, John McCain finished fourth last time...)

Glen Hansard wants you to hear this classic Van Morrison record.

Lily Allen hates the New York Times because the "cheap skanks" did something she didn't appreciate.

Siegfried and Roy performed a farewell show... with their tiger. Yeah, that tiger.

A woman about to marry a Royal is featured topless in an upcoming movie.

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

More of Those Gloriously Painful Celebrity High School Yearbook Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 20:17:00 GMT

It's true: like a good wine, we're better as we get older.

These ancient yearbook photos of national politicians and movie stars will reassure you that your looks improve with age, and not the reverse. In a society that's becoming increasingly focused on and obsessed with cultural figures that are seemingly younger every year (look at the top names in the music business right now-- Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Taylor Swift), it's practically life-affirming to see, for example, how ridiculous Cameron Diaz looked in high school...

At the top: Paula Abdul. Date unknown, but obviously-- wow-- pre-nose job.

Yes, the above two are Sarah Palin. We swear.

Does the superlative for Most Likely To Become Famous go to Madonna or what?

Via ten different websites.

Related:

Celebrities Make Us Feel Better About Our High School Obsession

While You Were Sleeping: The Fox News Child Porn Bust

Why The New York Times Thinks It's Impossible To Live On $500K

Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

[Image]

9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

[Image]

8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

[Image]

7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

[Image]

6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

[Image]

5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

[Image]

4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

[Image]

3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

[Image]

2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

[Image]

1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

[Image]

*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

Related:

Top 10 Rich People Who Look Poor

Top 10 Things We Didn't Need to Waste Time Doing This Year But Did Anyway (File Under: Facebook)

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Crush of the Week: Adele

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Memo to morons: setting someone's lawn on fire is not a "prank."

What kind of person tells her daughter she doesn't love her, then makes the girl pose for a photo for an article about how unloved she is?

The rumors are flying about why Caroline Kennedy is out of contention for the Senate seat.

Here's the resume help we all sorely needed.

Katy Perry on that whole celibacy vow thing: "I'd rather die!"

A guy is suing his ex-wife over having funded their daughter's life. The problem? DNA tests have proved the ex-wife was impregnated by another man.

And you thought your landlord's a shithead.

Cate Blanchett is so well-respected in her native Australia that she's going to get her own postage stamp.

And Sarah Palin appears to have hired a lawyer in preparation for a major book and or television deal. GO AWAY.

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

The Vivienne Boys Show a Little Bum

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Today Page Six claims their "impeccably placed source" says, "Just before Thanksgiving, Cindy McCain started talks with producers to appear as a dancer on the show (Dancing With the Stars)."

Really?

This impeccably placed source also claims, "She wanted to do it very badly." But this week, Sen. McCain "put the kibosh on it."

Booooooooooo

What is this, Footloose? (If you haven't noticed the giant movie poster we published with this post)

Related:

John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

Drug Charges, Palin Family

Did You Get Your Money's Worth at College?

John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

Scanner Matt — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

It was a fairly quick relationship, though more than just a roll in the conservative hay. She sometimes embarrassed him in front of his friends and he never really listened to what she had to say. Sometimes things aren't meant to be, but when your ex is invited to one of the biggest parties of the year and you didn't get an invitation, the pain is new all over again.

Mother Jones reports:

On the night before Barack Obama is sworn in as the nation's 44th President, his inaugural committee will host a series of dinners honoring public servants it deems champions of bipartisanship. To be feted are Vice President-elect Joe Biden, Colin Powell, and John McCain... introduced by one of his closest Senate confidants: Senator Lindsey Graham. But McCain's No. 1 booster during the last year will not be among those hailing McCain. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, his controversial running-mate, will not attend the dinner.

But no one will say who's snubbed who. Was it a McCain request to keep her away or the presidential inauguration committee's doing? Or is Palin ignoring them? Palin's spokesman claims, "I don't know if she was invited?" We find that hard to believe.

This is so classic John and Sarah.

Related:

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Drug Charges, Palin Family

Video of the Day: Fox News Infighting, Bill-O Gets Trashed

Video of the Day: Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits or Republican Porn

[image]

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

Photo of Taylor Momsen via Gawker.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Kanye West On SNL: Can't Sing, Won't Sing

[Image]

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:25:00 GMT

You knew the world was in trouble when even prostitution and pornography were suffering from the financial crisis.

Porn may have been the hardest hit-- sales and rentals are down (it's not like you can find DVDs anymore, what with all the stores being forced to close), while free porn sites have reported a jump in web traffic since the downturn began. Hell, even Naughty America, among the most popular of web porn makers, is closing offices and laying (off) employees. But instead of salvaging what remains of America's two oldest professions, Congress instead rewarded banks, institutions that already have all our savings, with all of our tax dollars, too.

Larry Flynt has a much better and far more entertaining solution to the crisis...

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

Right here, thanks to the most honest and amusing, Zen-like press statement in history, is reason enough to give Larry and co. all the money Obama was going to set aside for things like Federal highways and, you know, gas for Air Force One.

"...the US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people."

"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly." [CNN]

God bless Larry Flynt, producer of last year's "Nailin' Paylin"-- without him, one would lose hope in humanity's ability to goof on everyone and everything in the most offensive and/or hilarious ways imaginable. Just check out these (NSFW language!) video highlights:

Video of the Day: Sharon Osbourne Attacks Sexy Reality Show Moron

RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think...

Knox, a 21-year-old from Seattle (her current address is in an Italian prison), was living with fellow student Meredith Kircher at the time of Kircher's horrendous murder, which involve a slit throat and, according to the prosecution, an agonizingly slow demise. Knox claims that smoking a bit of hash that evening has made the events somehow confusing, although she claims to remember hearing Kircher's screams, during which a "scared" Knox covered her ears.

Actually, claim the authorities, Knox was the one causing the screaming, while her boyfriend and another friend cut the innocent girl's throat, as part of some sick manga-inspired experiment. Helping the state's case are the books found on the suspects, the contents of which include a passage about killing vampires. (Kircher had dressed as a vampire for Halloween 2007, which had taken place the night before.)

So, apparently, Italy has no famous women of its own (what happened to the hot model auctioning off her own virginity?) and must select visiting psychopaths. And really, is she so hot they couldn't have gone with the obvious #2, Sarah Palin, instead?

Scanner : sarah palin

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean: A Beauty Pageant Publicity Stunt Made in Hell

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Crazy "Opposite Marriage" Lady Strikes Back

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Levi Johnston

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Sloppy Seconds: What Do Sarah Palin And Tom Cruise Have In Common?

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

More of Those Gloriously Painful Celebrity High School Yearbook Photos

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year