Scanner : sarah michelle gellar

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Vampires are all the rage these days. With the popularity of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, HBO's True Blood and the Sweedish vampire movie Let the Right One In, kids everywhere are appropriating vampire culture. No big deal, right? Well, it's no big deal unless you're a real vampire. And in that case, this fake vampire business is some bullshit.

Peter Rugg, from Kansas City's alt weekly, The Pitch, sat down with a few Midwestern vampires and learned that people who consider themselves real vampires actually drink blood (O negative "tastes like a dessert wine!"), that the consumption of blood is better when it's an erotic experience, and that these kids in their Hot Topic trench coats R DOIN IT RONG.

"A lot of people think they're vampires now," Sylvere says.

"I will say, though, reading those books True Blood is based on, they did their research," Lisa allows. "They even got the flavors of the blood types right."

"There are flavors?" I ask.

Lisa begins. "They got it right that the best one is ... "

"O negative!" they yell out in unison.

"Why is that good?"

"It's hard to describe," Lisa says. "It's sweet. It's like a dessert wine."

"How about AB positive?" I ask, curious if my own blood type — I'm the universal recipient — is any good. Lisa's smile freezes, and she rolls her head from side to side as if searching for a polite way to tell me that I'm unpalatable.

Sylvere scoffs. "Tastes great, less filling."

Most also describe the process in erotic terms. "It doesn't have to be sexual," Sylvere explains. "But it helps if it is, because then you're producing a lot more energy." Sylvere's needs are met more simply. She says she sups bits of energy here and there. For a truly satisfying feed, she requires that they be creative people willing to let her hover above them awhile. Writers and artists are good. Musicians are best....

Though they call themselves vampires, not all drink blood. They tell me that there are different classifications of people who genuinely believe they need more than food. The most common are psi-vampires, such as Sylvere, who say they drink in the energy from surrounding people and willing donors. Then there are the real blood drinkers, called sanguinarians. As they explain blood classifications to me, I wonder if their way of life would sound more acceptable if they presented it as a fetish rather than a health issue.

And just as there are people who are convinced they are vampires, there are people who are convinced, that they, like Buffy, are vampire slayers. This obviously creates some tension in the online vampire communities. While they use online threats in lieu of garlic and kung-fu, according to one Kansas City vampire, "Those people have problems. I don't even want to deal with that."

As for all those kids in their trench coats and plastic fangs? Lisa, a 21-year-old vampire is worried about them:

"I worry about them. They all have this romantic notion of what it's like. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't give it up for the world — it's who I am — but it's not all candlelit graveyard dances. If I don't feed, it doesn't kill me, but I feel constantly fatigued. Several times, I've slept for 12 hours without feeling rested. Not all of us are as nice as I am, and I worry that others could be taken advantage of — if not by one of our less reputable members, by a more human kind of predator using the persona to his advantage. Even excluding that, the number of blood-borne diseases is staggering. Would they think of having donors provide medical proof of health? Would they sanitize their knives? Would they remember that blood is precious? I don't know."

While we still don't crave anything beyond a bloody Mary, we are now more inclined to finally bust out the first season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer that a friend gave us. We know, we know. That's totally DOIN IT RONG.

[The Pitch: True True Blood]

Related:

True Blood's Anna Paquin In First (True) Nude Scene

Comic Book Buffy Gives Body, if Not Heart, to Fellow Slayer. LADY Slayer.

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

While You Were Sleeping: The Porn Collage

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is eugenics still being practiced in Louisiana? A politician there wants to give women $1,000 to tie their tubes in order to reduce the welfare rolls.

Although Shia LaBeouf's license is going to be suspended, he won't be charged with a DUI in his recent car crash.

Which American celebrity is Damien Hirst's latest, humiliated subject?

A well-known British artist who has made collage portraits of President Bush and Paris Hilton out of porn magazine images is exhibiting the pictures at a gallery in New York.
A gallery spokeswoman says Jonathan Yeo's portrait of Hilton was bought by the artist Damien Hirst ahead of Thursday's opening.

Hirst is offering Hilton a cut of the sales because she never received "royalties" from her sex tape. Huh? Whatever.

Will Sarah Michelle Gellar return to television? For HBO?!

You thought it made sense for that woman to sleep with a cop to get out of a speeding ticket? This guy would have to have marry the cop to get out of his two million bucks in parking tickets.

Some gas station owner in Michigan dropped prices and made up the difference selling T-shirts.

JP Morgan will buy Washington Mutual.

Planned Parenthood doesn't quite understand how, but it's getting thousands of donations in Sarah Palin's name. It wouldn't be so weird if, um, Sarah Palin supported anything PP stood for.

Related:

Top 5 Most Offensive Commericals We Can Think Of At The Moment

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Sloppy Seconds: Is Lindsay Lohan High on Drugs or Love?

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:53:00 GMT

A few weeks back, Scanner Brian was perplexed by the fact that FHM had named a woman we'd never heard of as its sexiest woman in the world. This month, Maxim pulls the same trick (even though we have heard of her, but only from one of our own).

And the winner is...

Marisa Miller.

Should we know who she is? Probably. Do we? Only because of Scanner Bryan. Is she the hottest woman in the world? She's definitely hot, but enh.

Scanner Bryan, you're welcome to disagree. So are the folks at Maxim who say she "embodies the official return of the all-American supermodel... Not since Cindy Crawford ruled the catwalk has a pinup born and bred on U.S. soil so thoroughly captured the imagination of the American male."

Also on the list: Scarlett Johansson (No. 2), Jessica Biel (No. 3). And in the top 10: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elisha Cuthbert, Eva Mendes, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan (who topped last year's list) and Ashley Tisdale.

How much do you think these women's publicists pay to get them on the list?

No, you know what? Fuck this list. We're taking nominations for Scanner's Hottest Women in the World in the comments section.

[People: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel Make Maxim's Hot List]

[Image]

This Week in Gayness: American Idol Is Queer

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:40:00 GMT

THIS WEEK IN GAYNESS

March 6, 2008:

The gay penguins book is back on elementary school bookshelves.

Soap opera fans are apparently so into gayness they'll raise a whole heap of stink when they don't see more of it.

"Do me a favor," coos Buffy the Vampire Slayer to her naked lover in a new comic, "Don't mention this to anyone." Scanner Bryan has more.

NASCAR is picking up some non-straight white male supporters, thanks in part to star driver Evan Darling. Seriously-- a gay man named Evan Darling? We didn't see his "coming out" coming, did we?

Great Britain is withdrawing three specific gay porn titles after questions were raised about the risks of unprotected sex. Jeez-- welcome to the 1980s, slowpokes.

Canada and the UK want to bump off homosexuals by deporting them to awful places like Iran, Malaysia, and Kansas City.

Canada is sure to welcome this tour: Cyndi Lauper, the B-52's and... Rosie O'Donnell?

Is America ready for a gay "American Idol"? Apparently, America has forgotten everything it never knew for sure about Clay Aiken.

As promised, the scary-ass video about the 2nd Amendment. It's by open-minded, Jesus-loving, open-armed, sweethearted gay bashers:

Google Image Search Knows "Nicole" When They See Her

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:40:00 GMT

According to Cracked's Google image searches of the top 10 female names Jennifer is a whore and Mary is a prude. Fair enough. We've done this on Flickr before and learned that sometimes Nicole is a girl who really likes to drunkenly make out with other girls in front of a camera. But after we saw the article, we had to try our own names in Google image search. Unsurprisingly, Anna Nicole Smith represents for "Nicole." But Sarah, Sarah is a different story. Tell us, have you ever seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer's head on a spread-eagle girl's body? No? That's funny, we have.