Scanner : republicans

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

Related:

Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

You Can Take the Boy Out of Chelsea...

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:42:00 GMT

Kim Capello, a 56-year-old man who used to be the Mayor pro term of Novi, just outside of Detroit, was arrested last month for indecent exposure.

While it's always news when a politician is arrested for whipping out his boner (Kim is currently the Oakland County Commissioner-- see above), there is more to this story than simple indecency...

On the morning of April 18th, police respond to a complaint about two people getting randy against a wall near a strip of bars and restaurants in town. Upon arriving, the cops found Capello and a 37-year-old woman having sex in the middle of the sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by and presumably fleeing in horror. It should also be noted that Capello is Republican family man-- he has been married for 21 years to his law partner wife, with whom he shares an office, according to the local news. The couple also have three kids.

Strangely enough, the woman has not been charged with any crime, while her lover faces up to three months in jail when he appears in court next month.

Via ClickOnDetroit.

Related:

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Politician Probably Should've Taken Down Scandalous Facebook Profile First

AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Rachel Maddow Talks Teabagging (Video)

Colleen Kane — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Who knew conservatives were so into teabagging? Well, Larry Craig probably did...

Related:

What We Learned About on Wikipedia Today: Teabagging

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Rachel Maddow 2012, or Anyone But Sarah Palin, Actually

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:04:00 GMT

At the top of The View this morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck shared some very, very breaking news.

She's pregnant... again!

What's this, baby number 18 in three years or something? We can't believe she'd actually bring a baby into a world where a liberal Black man is president. But maybe she's trying to start her own little Ayran militia here in the States.

What are we saying? We're jerks. What we meant to say was: every baby is a blessing from God. Congratulations, Hasselbeck!

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Caption This: "The View" Gets Political

RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

Related:

GOP Senate Candidate's Son In Hot Water For Racist Facebook Profile

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Porn stars and politicians have two things in common. 1. They know how to rock mustaches. 2. They get paid to screw us (sorry, but they do).

But can you tell the difference between a porn star and a politician based on his lip service?

The folks at 23/6 want to know if you can. Unfortunately we can't embed their video Guess the stache-Democrat or Porn Star? here. But you should go play. Now.

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

Crush of the Week: Vivienne Westwood's Bear

Retired NYPD Officer Has Mustache of the Year

There's a Mustache Party and You're All Invited

Mustaches For Kids NY Was a Big Success!

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Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:06:00 GMT

More than six in ten Americans have an unfavorable view of the Grand Old Party, according to a Gallup poll released today.

But that's not even the worst part of the survey, which should have Republicans scrambling faster than the Dems did after getting trounced in 2004...

One thing the party has largely avoided, to much unity and success, is a clear image, set of goals, and ideology. Not so anymore, according to CNN's reading of the Gallup numbers:

As the debate rages within GOP ranks over where to take the party, the poll might offer some guidance.

Most Republicans — 59 percent — want the party to become more conservative, according to the poll. Another 28 percent want it to remain about the same ideologically, while only 12 percent would prefer to see the Republican Party become less conservative.

Independents are split on whether the party should track left or right: 35 percent of independent voters say the GOP should become more conservative, and 35 percent say less conservative.

Not only are independents evenly divided on what it would take to rope them into the fold, the party itself isn't holding it together either: while the country and the newest generation of voters want the country moving to the left on Iraq, gay marriage, healthcare, and so on, Republicans want to-- forgive the expression-- cling to guns and religion. (And making abortion a top issue, which won't go over well with us youth types, either...)

What do you think? Can the GOP bounce back? Will a faltering economy doom Democrats in 2010 and bring back a Republican movement?

Via CNN.

Related:

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Is there anything scarier than thinking that Elisabeth Hasselbeck might win?

Highs:

We remembered most of what we learned in the fifth grade.

And if that's not enough of a time suck...

We realized we live in a pretty sexy neighborhood.

We were more proud of our home state than we've ever been.

We looked at some rad art.

Bra recycling, anyone?

More girls said "yes" to Obama.

We proposed to Ryan Gosling (and still haven't heard back).

We got some shit on John McCain. We think.

We like vaginas made out of just anything, so what?

Lows:

We learned that Google's Mail Goggles are of no use to us anymore.

After all of the great Fey-Palin skits, SNL had a huge fail.

We wondered if we're bad feminists.

Did we actually, finally overload on cute?

Um, no.

We were totally fucking disenfranchised.

We realized that we were relegated to a life of being the crazy cat lady a long, long time ago.

We remembered what fun dressing up as a couple can be.

We presented you with a very scary choice.

Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We're really sorry to do this to you, but it's not like either of these conservative women is conventionally unattractive. So, if you had to pick one, who would you rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Ann Coulter?

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Ann Coulter is a Man, Baby (According to Some Guy and a Computer)

Ann Coulter: Hillary More Conservative Than McCain

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Caption This: Spencer Pratt and His Stupid T-Shirt

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:14:00 GMT

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Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Holly Madison talks about her break-up with Playboy papa Hugh Hefner. [FadedYouth]

When will Tina Fey be back on Saturday Night Live? The suspense is killing us! [Yahoo!]

Mark Wahlberg is getting married to his girlfriend and baby mama, Rhea Durham. What a funky bunch! [People]

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? Probably. Do we care anymore? Not really. [Us]

We have a sneaking suspicion that Hank Williams, Sr. wouldn't be too happy about Hank Williams, Jr. finally giving the Republicans their damn song. Especially because it's the worst version ever of an already sort-of bad song.

Related:

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, and Meryl Streep. Is there any way this cast could kick more ass?

Married and awesome Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones and Samantha Bee are working on a show for CBS. Oh no-- does this mean we'll never see them again?

Guess which show has become such a phenomenon it's getting a Jeopardy! category all to itself...?

On Friday, October 17, Jeopardy! will have an entire Mad Men category of questions. To tide you over until then, Jeopardy! and Mad Men Mad Men-themed online version of the game! have teamed up to create an entire [Jezebel]

Dennis Hopper, a longtime Republican, endorsed Barack Obama.

M.I.A. and Jamie Lynn Spears are pregnant, while Victoria Beckham denies it. It's that time of year, apparently.

If you see a celebrity in the supermarket, please don't try to impress them by making obscure references that could be mistaken for faint praise. Especially if Edward Norton is that celebrity.

Hurry up if you want Ringo Starr's autograph. Ever.

While You Were Sleeping: Leighton Meester's Jail Story

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

Woman Auctions Off Night of Sex, Gets Pregnant by Anonymous

What's Wrong With This Picture... Of Her Hand?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:11:00 GMT

When we ask you what's wrong with this picture of Sarah Palin's hand, we're not talking about the right one...

Check out her left hand in the below, after the jump photo. Does this mean something or do you think it, uh, got dropped somewhere along the way by accident?

She's not wearing her wedding ring. And according to one unconfirmed blog post (even we won't give that any credence), this isn't the first time in recent days she's been photographed without it. If she and Todd are breaking up, why would they do it now and why would they make it so obvious?

There's got to be another explanation, no? (Besides the perennial internet favorite: "it's a fake!") If not and Todd has had enough of her alleged cheating, say goodbye to a Palin Vice-Presidency...

Via 700WLW.

Related:

Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison...

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as...

How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

Scanner Gadgets: What The Hell?

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:54:00 GMT

Whatever could this little device be used for?

Guess before you jump!

It's "Shower Power," bringing you "suction power for bathroom banging."

Fucking genius!

[PopGive: Shower Power Gives You Extra Traction]

(Thanks, Bill!)

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:29:00 GMT

The Canadian Broadcasting Company (CBC) has retracted, and apologized for, an article by blogger Heather Mallick that caused a hullaballoo portraying Palin as appealing to "the white trash vote" with her "toned-down version of the porn actress look."

Though the article has been taken down, we've pasted the entire thing, for your reading pleasure, after the jump.

I assume John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential partner in a fit of pique because the Republican money men refused to let him have the stuffed male shirt he really wanted. She added nothing to the ticket that the Republicans didn't already have sewn up, the white trash vote, the demographic that sullies America's name inside and outside its borders yet has such a curious appeal for the right.
So why do it?
It's possible that Republican men, sexual inadequates that they are, really believe that women will vote for a woman just because she's a woman. They're unfamiliar with our true natures. Do they think vaginas call out to each other in the jungle night? I mean, I know men have their secret meetings at which they pledge to do manly things, like being irresponsible with their semen and postponing household repairs with glue and used matches. Guys will be guys, obviously.
But do they not know that women have been trained to resent other women and that they only learn to suppress this by constantly berating themselves and reading columns like this one? I'm a feminist who understands that women can nurse terrible and delicate woman hatred.
Palin was not a sure choice, not even for the stolidly Republican ladies branch of Citizens for a Tackier America. No, she isn't even female really. She's a type, and she comes in male form too.
John Doyle, the cleverest critic in Canada, comes right out and calls Palin an Alaska hillbilly. Damn his eyes, I wish I'd had the wit to come up with it first. It's safer than "white trash" but I'll pluck safety out of the nettle danger. Or something.
Doyle's job includes watching a lot of reality television and he's well-versed in the backstory. White trash — not trailer trash, that's something different — is rural, loud, proudly unlettered (like Bush himself), suspicious of the urban, frankly disbelieving of the foreign, and a fan of the American cliché of authenticity. The semiotics are pure Palin: a sturdy body, clothes that are clinging yet boxy and a voice that could peel the plastic seal off your new microwave.
'Turn your guns on Levi, ma'am'
Palin has a toned-down version of the porn actress look favoured by this decade's woman, the overtreated hair, puffy lips and permanently alarmed expression. Bristol has what is known in Britain as the look of the teen mum, the "pramface." Husband Todd looks like a roughneck; Track, heading off to Iraq, appears terrified. They claim to be family obsessed while being studiously terrible at parenting. What normal father would want Levi "I'm a fuckin' redneck" Johnson prodding his daughter?
I know that I have an attachment to children that verges on the irrational, but why don't the Palins? I'm not the one preaching homespun values but I'd destroy that ratboy before I'd let him get within scenting range of my daughter again, and so would you. Palin's e-mails about the brother-in-law she tried to get fired as a state trooper are fizzing with rage and revenge. Turn your guns on Levi, ma'am.
Palin has it all, along with being vicious and profoundly dishonest. Just hours after her first convention speech, the Associated Press did a good fast listing of her untruths and I won't dwell on them.
I did promise to watch the entire convention so you wouldn't have to, but I discovered a neat trick. I switched between the convention and the 2003 folk music mockumentary A Mighty Wind on Bravo.
They were indistinguishable. Click on a nervous wreck with deeply strange hair doing a monologue on society today and where it all went wrong. Are you watching Christian belter Aaron Tippin singing Where the Stars and Stripes and Eagle Fly in the Xcel Centre in St. Paul or the actors from Spinal Tap remixing the 1966 version of Potato's in the Paddy Wagon?
Who delivered this line: "To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will." Was it Rev. James Dobson of Focus on the Family talking about Bristol Palin's shotgun wedding or was it a flashback to the Kingston Trio?
The conventioneers are nothing like the rich men who run the party, and that's the mystery of the hick vote. They'd be much better served by the Democrats. I know Thomas Frank answered this in What's the Matter with Kansas?; I know that red states vote Republican on social issues to give themselves the only self-esteem available to their broken, economically abused existence.
Lie works for Palin
But surely they know Barack Obama is not planning to finish off the ordinary hillbilly when he adjusts tax rates. He's going to raise taxes on the top 2 per cent of Americans and that doesn't include anyone at the convention beyond the Bushes and McCains and random party management. So why cheer Palin when she claims otherwise?
Is it racism? I'm told that it is, although I find racism so appalling that I have difficulty identifying it. It is more likely the dearly held Republican notion that any American can become violently rich, as rich as those hedge funders in Greenwich, Conn., who buy $40-million mansions unseen and have their topiary shaped in the form of musical notes.
When Palin and Rudy Giuliani sneered at Obama's years of "community organizing" — they said it like "rectal fissure" — the audience ewww-ed with them. Republicans dream of a personal future that involves only household staff, not equals who need to be persuaded to vote.
So I'm trying to imagine the pain of realizing, as they all must at some point, that it is not going to happen for them. It's the green light at the end of the dock. It's the ship that never comes in, gals, as Palin would put it. But she won't because the lie works for her. It helps her scramble, without compassion, above all those other tense no-hoper ladies in the audience.
American politics isn't short of smart women. Susan Eisenhower, Ike's granddaughter, who just endorsed Obama, made an extraordinary speech at the Democratic convention (and a terrific casual appearance on The Colbert Report as Palin was speaking). The Republican party has already consumed nearly all of its moderate "seed corn," she said aptly. Time to start again.
Eisenhower, a scholar and journalist, has a point. Or am I only saying that because she's part of the thoughtful demographic that I'm trying to reach here? Think, Heather, think like a Republican! The Skeptics, shall I call them, are my base, and I'll pander to them as ardently as the Republican patriarchs tease their white female marginals.
This Week
Mad Men is scaring me (AMC on Sunday nights). What has Matthew Weiner, a writer from The Sopranos, created, a period soap opera about reality and façade or a horror series on a localized war between men and women? Was Episode 6 of Season 2 a costume drama about the Madonna/whore complex or the operatic rendition of one simple thing, human cruelty?
Or maybe I'm seeing too much into it and it's just a sexed-up version of the Republican convention.
Heather Mallick has worked as a reporter, copy editor and book review editor at various Toronto newspapers. Her latest book, Cake or Death: The Excruciating Choices of Everyday Life, was published by Knopf in April 2007. This column is printed with permission from CBC.ca where it first appeared.

From the CBC:

Following 300-plus complaints from readers, and attacks from Canadian and American media organizations, including Fox News, publisher John Cruickshank said the public broadcaster had erred in its editorial judgement and the item should never have appeared on the CBC website.
In an online statement, Cruickshank said reaction to the column has caused the CBC to install new editing procedures that will ensure inappropriate work won't appear.
"We are open to contentious reasoned argument but not to partisan attack," he said in a statement posted on the broadcaster's website.
Despite the vitriolic response to Mallick's Sept. 5 piece, "A Mighty Wind Blows Through the Republican Convention," the CBC had initially stood by the article and said it wouldn't remove it from its website.

Let's hear it for censorsip!

[Rabble Columns via Jossip]

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Crush of the Week: David Kernell, The Palin Hacker

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:06:00 GMT

Meet David Kernell, he's the son of Tennessee Democratic state representative Mike Kernell, a University of Tennessee student and the man (the boy?) accused of hacking Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account last week.

He's also kind-of hunky.

We don't necessarily advocate computer hacking. After all, we wouldn't want to be hacked (lord knows after doing this job we have some scandalous shit cached here). But we do respect the kid's desire to be involved in the political process.

Imagine what the world would be like if all twenty year olds were this politically aware? The hacking incident did shed light on what many suspected, that Palin does a good job of mixing business with pleasure, as the Yahoo account was a personal one she used for Government business.

For that, David Kernell is our crush of the week.

Of course, considering we crushed on (and later went out with) the guy who got expelled for 90 days for selling acid in high school, it's no wonder we have a crush on lil' David Kernell.

[Wired: No Indictment Tuesday Against Palin Hacker]

Related:

Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

Crush of the Week: Jamie Clayton, The Hottest Transsexual

Crush of the Week: Ryan Gosling

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:59:00 GMT

Is it wrong for the gay community to out a private citizen just because he works for a homphobic Presidential candidate?

Blogger Mike Rogers appeared on Michelangelo Signorile's radio show today to reveal that Mark Buse, Senator McCain's chief-of-staff, goes for the guys.

Why is this a big deal? Well, first and foremost, McCain's running with ardently anti-gay Sarah Palin, a woman who scares us more than killer drag queens from outer space.

We don't blame the gays for being angry about Buse and McCain, but is Buse fair game? He doesn't have a blog, doesn't talk about himself on TV, and pretty much stays in the shadows. So... should he have been outed or not?

(By the way, of course, we know very well that if Obama's chief-of-staff was caught having a gay orgy, the religious right would make sure everybody knew about it. But that's beside the point.)

Via Queerty.

Related:

Town Rallies Behind Principal Who Discriminated Against Lesbian Student

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

The War On Sex Rages On...

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Teenage Girl Gets 2 Month Sentence For False Rape Allegation

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

LiLo Snubbed by Obama

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:04:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan has ben an outspoken critic of Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin. She's also a big fan of Barack Obama. Unfortunately, the Obama camp doesn't share Lohan's sentiments.

After reaching out to the Democracts and offering her to help out the Obama-Biden ticket by hosting a series of parties to support the Democratic duo, a campaign staffer said Lohan ''is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us.''

Ouch.

[SunTimes: Barack Obama campaign nixes Lindsay Lohan]

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RNC Delegate, Robbed By Hooker, Speaks Out In Favor Of More War

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 20:29:00 GMT

Have you guys heard about this smarmy, sniveling Republican toolbox who got robbed of "$120,000 worth" of crappy personal effects during the Republican National Convention? Yeah, he deserved it...

Check out this video that's been floating around, thanks to LinkTV, of Colorado schyster Gabriel Nathan Schwartz discussing the foreign policy he'd love to see John McCain enact:

For the sake of sanity, we're hoping he's being satirical. Something, anything.

Anyway, if you haven't heard about this guy's story, here's the rundown: Schwartz, an RNC delegate, met a woman at a bar during the convention in Minneapolis and took her back to his hotel. Red flag #1: she made the drinks. Red flag #2: she told him to get undressed. In case you don't know, these are clear indications she was attempting to subdue, rather than seduce, the dashing young buck.

He's not sure what happened next, since the prostitute (see Red flag #2: she "ordered" him to get dressed, according to his report to the police... sounds like pro talk to us) had slipped some sort of pill in his drink. When he awoke, he was out of the following:

$30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000

Um, yeah. He had a thousand dollar belt and he's worried about his taxes under Barack Obama?! Dude, you better worry about your shopping insanity, first...

Via Minnesota Independent.

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Fun With The Interwebs: Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:39:00 GMT

It was only a matter of time before someone put together a Sarah Palin baby name generator. Click through for our name and how you can make yours.

Scanner Emily's Sarah Palin Baby Name is Mustache Warthog Palin. Kinda' makes us think we have a chance to really make something of ourselves someday.

Then we tried putting in Scanner, which is already a Palin baby name of sorts, but if Scanner were born to the Palins we'd be Sport Grunt Palin. God, our future would have been so different...

What's yours?

[Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator]

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Are you tired of Sarah Palin coverage yet? Is it better if we just lump it all into Sloppy Seconds?

Above, reader Pat Kearney's very-scary pitbull in lipstick. Pat, are you ready for your spanking from Scanner Brian?

Even though Heart explicitly asked the McCain-Palin camp to stop using their song "Barracuda," on the campaign trail, they haven't. Nancy, don't you know they can do whatever they want? They don't have to listen to you. Duh! [MTV]

Why would Wasilla, AK be the worst place in the country to get raped? Because Palin would make you pay for your own rape kit. [HuffPo]

Oh shit, does she think this election is the big pageant? That would make so much more sense. [MollyGood]

"Don’t get me wrong. I love Bristol. She’s fine. But I sure as shit didn’t think this is where I’d end up when we snuck off into the woods all those nights and she finally let me do what I felt in my bones God had intended for us to do. Maybe God did want us to have this baby. That’s what Mrs. P keeps saying, and hell if I’m gonna disagree with that nasty kootch. She’s the kinda lady who’ll saw your nuts off with a rusty hunting blade while she’s baking cupcakes for Sunday chapel." [The Morning News]

[NY Press: Beyond the Palin]

Market This: Sarah Palin Action Figure

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:25:00 GMT

We know we mentioned this yesterday, but we were in such a hurry to get one, we failed to show you the picture.

[Image]

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:49:00 GMT

"What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" Sarah Palin asked at the RNC. "Lipstick." We disagree; she's more of a Spaniel or a Terrier, but nevertheless, this inspired the design geeks here at Nerve to put together this Pitbull With Lipstick image.

Our first thought: this is really sexist. Our second thought: this is really ugly. Our third thought: as much as we hate to admit it, this is kind-of hilarious, but they could have made her look a little prettier.

If you think you can do better, and perhaps paint Ms. Palin's Pitbull in a more flattering light, send your Photoshopped images to scanner@nerve.com. We'll post the best ones for you to vote on next week and the winner will get something good. Perhaps a spanking from Scanner Brian?

"We Support George McCain For President"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:32:00 GMT

For our last post about the RNC (thank The Lord Jesus That Watches Over Conservatives for that!), we wanted to show you a video that we think summarizes the feelings on the floor of the entire convention. Those feelings, conveniently, can be melted down to one line: some Republicans are staunch in their support of Bush and McCain, while others just wanted America to forget about Junior...

This video is one in which I, Scanner Brian, must, in the interest of full disclosure, admit I was participant (I got Dennis Hastert to say how much he loved Bush and McCain and to take a sticker-- he was by far the nicest GOP power player we met in the Twin Cities.)

We recommend watching it on YouTube in high quality, but it's not important. Anyway, don't miss the ending, in which Senator Norm Coleman is asked what his feelings are on the Bush legacy:

Q: I just want to know how you feel about the last eight years of George Bush.
A: Well, uh... bleheelyelylelyelyylellelelalalelela... [not an exact transcription]

Also, although it's not in this video, the woman who puts the sticker on her forehead was ultimately completely unable to say why she supported Bush (or McCain) and, in fact, called her husband on camera to ask him for her talking points. ("He says we don't believe in wealth redistribution." Genius.)

Via YouTube.

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No Wonder Sarah Palin Wants Kids to Stop Reading Books

Emily Farris — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:58:00 GMT

You really can't swing a limp dick around the Interwebs these days without hitting some news about GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

While we're looking forward to the Palin coverage dying down (hopefully along with her popularity), today BoingBoing brings us two wonderful little tidbits: one, the unfortunate cover of this children's book and two, the news that when Palin took office as mayor of Wasilla, AK, she approached her town librarian to find out how she could ban books from the library.

[Former Wasilla mayor] Stein says that as mayor, Palin continued to inject religious beliefs into her policy at times. “She asked the library how she could go about banning books,” he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. “The librarian was aghast.” The librarian, Mary Ellen Baker, couldn’t be reached for comment, but news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire her for not giving “full support” to the mayor.

Yes. Because books like "One, Two, Three Pull," can lead to things like teenage pregnancy. Oh, wait, she was concerned with language. Yeah, let's get rid of books so we can have better vocabularies.

[TIME via BoingBoing]

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RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

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RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Last night, we were sitting in the press section at the Excel Center in Minneapolis, wondering if the woman sleeping next to us had been flopped out in that chair since the night before. A woman with a large cup of coffee greeted us while jerking her head up and down. On stage, a droning religious figure mumbled through some sort of sermon. The general vibe on the floor was, "How soon will this be over?"

That all changed when Sarah Palin took the stage. All of a sudden, the arena was jam-packed: the concession area cleared out, the press stopped answering their cell phones, and the crowd was on its feet more often than not. To say Palin was well-received was like saying Hillary Clinton would've been only lightly toasted at the stake. Okay, that sounds harsh, but it was clear that there's a new #1 female American political figure on the scene and that, no matter what happens in this election, Sarah Palin will not soon be forgotten.

With her relentless attack on Barack Obama, Palin proved she has the anger and determination necessary to offset attacks on her ethics, family problems, inexperience, and radically conservative positions. The mood at the RNC went from fear that this was the beginning of the end to "how will Barack-Biden top this?!"

We ran into Ron Paul outside. He said he doesn't know which candidate he'll back... but definitely not McCain.

Palin's triumph was not so much one of oratory or intelligence or originality, but rather of carefully-calculated political maneuverings masquerading as a speech. Kudos to Palin for her many devastating one-lingers. Kudos to her for realizing the soccer mom angle is going to play very well, and playing it up to the max.

McCain could clearly be seen to be glowing with vindication as he took the stage. (He had to come out a night early-- after all, Obama did the surprise appearance thing last week and McCain has never been one to allow a preemptive one-upping.) His advisers were downplaying our expectations for the speech tonight, although that's utter nonsense: John McCain can real knock a public appearance out of the park if he has a script.

And, after hearing Palin's fiery words, we're pretty sure McCain's is going to be packing a wallop...

All photos by the author.

Related:

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:35:00 GMT

The media would love to tell you all about what's going on onstage (boring) or what Sarah Palin fake photos were put up online today (been there, failed that), but we have something better: photos from our day embedded with the locals, the cops, and the crazy Christian pornographers roaming the streets...

The above young lady was dressed as McCain riding a big blue elephant (an elephant sponsored by the oil companies, of course)... here are some other photos from Flickr and other sources that we loved:

Meanwhile, just to throw in some insider gossip: sources inside the convention are telling us that although, at least publicly, Sarah Palin is still defended to the death by the Republican Party, the campaign is considering asking her to withdraw sometime next week. As far as the election and the ballot goes, an RNC point person told us privately that since "we make the rules, we can change them to accommodate a switched running mate."

The change would be announced as due to "family obligations," of course, but the Republicans would release talking points saying sexist and mean-spirited liberals, especially in the blogosphere, would be blamed...

Via Flickr.

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