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As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

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Teacher Who Called Creationism Religious, Superstitious Nonsense Loses His Case

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 19:40:00 GMT

Check out this forward-thinking decision: a court ruled today that a public school teacher who casually dissed creationism during a discussion of European history has been found to have violated a student's First Amendment rights. How did a teacher exercising his First Amendment right to offer an opinion impair someone else's First Amendment rights?

You've already guessed correctly, we're sure.

[Student Chad] Farnan sued in U.S. District Court in 2007, alleging that [James] Corbett violated the establishment clause of the First Amendment by making repeated comments in class that were hostile to Christian beliefs.
The lawsuit cited more than 20 statements made by Corbett during one day of class, all of which were recorded by Farnan, to support allegations of a broader teaching method that "favors irreligion over religion" and made Christian students feel uncomfortable.

During the course of the litigation, the judge found that most of the statements cited in the court papers did not violate the First Amendment because they did not refer directly to religion or were appropriate in the context of the classroom lecture.

But Selna ruled Friday that one comment, where Corbett referred to creationism as "religious, superstitious nonsense," did violate Farnan's constitutional rights.

Remember, you might make Christians uncomfortable by calling a stupid belief in stupid creationism "stupid." You will also get sued (and lose) on the grounds that you are not allowed to have freedom of religion if your religion (atheism, say) violates someone else's freedom of religion. It makes sense on paper, but the Irony Police are banging their heads on their desks and Charles Darwin is rolling over in his grave, as he has done every day for the past century or two...

Via Fox News.

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Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

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Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be.

Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)

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Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?

Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”

"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”

Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.

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Who Knew There Were So Many California Doctors Against Gay Marriage? [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:39:00 GMT

You know all of those anti-gay commercials featuring "real" people who are concerned for their children, their faiths, their professions, because the gays are about to infect everything and ruin the perfect lives they've created for themselves? It turns out they're not average people who happen to be super awkward in front of the camera—they're just really bad actors. And we have their audition clips.

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Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

I don't quite understand what's up with Missouri lately. Last year, we elected a Democratic governor while somehow still going for McCain in the presidential election. Here in Kansas City we're trying to recall our mayor and now legislators in my home state want to make sure that women are never coerced into abortion—because if a woman could choose such a terrible thing, she must have been coerced, right? And if you are guilty of coercing a woman into abortion, you could receive felony conviction. Yes, a new bill being passed through the legislature creates the vague crime of "coercing an abortion."

[I]f a woman has experienced threats of having a scholarship for higher education at a public or private institution revoked because she is pregnant; threats of employment discrimination or termination if she continues her pregnancy; stalking, assault or domestic assault. Many of the people with whom I discussed HCS HB 46 & 434 were initially supportive until they looked beneath the surface. The bill would make physicians and anyone assisting them criminals for helping women obtain an abortion "with knowledge" that the woman has been "coerced" and would prohibit the woman from consenting to an abortion as the "victim of a coerced abortion."

Here's an example of this proposed law in action.

Consider a woman who is pregnant as the result of rape who, with her doctor, decides that an abortion is the best course of action. Imagine that rape survivor also mentions to her doctor that her boyfriend agrees with her decision, but has been aggressive with her about it. With HB46, now the doctor must turn the situation over to the government which mandates that the doctor label that rape survivor a "victim of coerced abortion" who "lacks the consent required by law."

Wait, what? Next thing you know, women will be sent to jail for coercing themselves into having abortions. But if they can't manage send us to jail, at least they can go to sleep knowing we're going straight to hell.

[RH Reality Check via Jezebel]

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[Image]

The Rest of the Week Can't Possibly Top This Mr. T Infomercial

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

This video is so gigantic in its awesomeness, the Scanner homepage cannot contain it. But trust us, it's well worth clicking the Read more... for the video goodness.

We were taken aback by the sight of Mr. T without his chains and gold-plated iPhones, but one YouTuber points out that T gave these up when he decided to become a Serious Christian, which made him somehow crazier.

Speaking of "somehow crazier," how is it possible that the man is, indeed, more insane looking without the chains? Kind of like when Prince became "The Artist," T is only drawing attention to his egomania by suddenly being "too good" for only one of many ridiculous aspects of his personality. In other words, he ain't exactly calling himself Laurence Tureaud in his press releases...

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We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:46:00 GMT

We don't specifically set out to attack the Catholic Church, Catholicism itself, or any specific religion or practice. But when we see hypocrisy or any other repulsive public behavior, we'll call it like we see it...

A nun in India, like the ones pictured above, is speaking out about what goes on in her country. Sister Jesme claims that when she joined the Church in Kerala, she discovered priests were forcing the "novices," or new nuns, to have sex with them. She also says she was forced to have a lesbian relationship with another nun because, that way, nobody would get pregnant and be expelled.

Apparently, her Church wasn't the only one engaged in "unpermitted sex": a priest whom she met while traveling the country showed her there was an orgy of heavy petting going on in his backyard, then took off his clothes and demanded she join him, according to the Independent.

The allegations are not the only controversy to rock the Catholic Church in Kerala. Last summer, a 23-year-old novice committed suicide and left a note saying she had been harassed by her Mother Superior. Reports suggest there have been a number of similar suicides. And in November, police in Kerala arrested two priests and a nun in connection with the killing of Sister Abhaya in a notorious 1992 murder.

Sister Jesme recently resigned as the principal for a Catholic college and has written a book entitled Amen, in which she details all the alleged sex, sexual harassment, and general distaste that she experienced in the Church. Church leaders tried to get her committed to a mental institution but she ultimately prevailed and her book is too widely publicized to be supressed.

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Sex Ed is Rotten in the State of Texas

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:03:00 GMT

A report came out today evaluating sex education in Texas, where teaching abstinence is the norm, and the findings are not promising.

After two years of studying instructional materials from 990 school districts, the watchdog group Texas Freedom Network determined that abstinence-only is taught in 94 percent of Texas schools, and that schools use shame, shame's bff religion, and scare tactics to discourage students from having sex, and some schools are reinforcing negative gender stereotypes.

Furthermore, 41 percent of materials used for teaching about condoms and prevention of STDs in Texas schools contain factual errors. One school district is teaching eighth graders that when used properly, condoms are only 80 percent effective in preventing pregancy. The actual effective rate is more like 97-98 percent.

"Most examples share a common purpose and likely effect -- discouraging young people from using condoms," says the report.

Some of their findings are outright baffling. One abstinence-only source, Wonderful Days, used in three districts contains this quotation: "If a woman is dry, the sperm will die, if a woman is wet, a baby she may get!"

Holy moly. The full report and executive summary are available on the Texas Freedom Network website.

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Monk Sex Scandal Proves Forced Celibacy Won't Work

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:46:00 GMT

A reader alerted us to a sex scandal we missed out on: a Thai monk who resigned from his monastery after getting caught having sex, after a wild teen sex and booze extravaganza at his place.

Even weirder: it's a gay Thai monk sex scandal... and you won't want to miss these comments in the Bangkok Post...

Our story starts with an unnamed abbot, the head father/monk in Nakhon Si Thammarat, whatever that is. One night, when his male lover is indisposed for an undisclosed reason, Father Anonymous hosts a large gang of unruly teens for booze and innuendos involving trying to "one-up the Catholic Church." The teens leave, but the next day, there is a large cum stain on the abbot's bed sheets. (We don't even want to get into how weird it is that someone would leave a cum stain lying around-- but then again, maybe they don't have Kleenex in Thailand.)

Assuming the worst-- that this stain wasn't the result of a masturbatory session run amok-- the abbot's lover took him to task, started a fight, got smacked around, and reported daddy-o to the police.

The abbot fled and quit the monkhood to avoid arrest and forced disrobement.

Yes, but he may have enjoyed a "forced disrobement."

By the way, some of the many comments on this story are priceless. Many of these people don't know what "a Buddhist monk" means or what the hell they are talking about.

Do realy anybody in Thailand follow buddist rules. Is it not like that,- if somebody close to you, or yourselves have benefit of it,- you may do what ever you want without breaking the rules?
Big deal. There are sexual affairs going on in monasteries.
[Columnist] Khun Sanitsuda is right. Thai Buddhism needs a major overhaul. However, moaning and groaning about it is not very useful. She should offer constructive idess as to how this can be achieved.
Stop making donations to the monks,they run to buy mobile phones, wigs and run for sex at night.
The human sex drive is as natural as eating food or breathing air. Sexual desire is the reason the world is over populated. The only way to make a man live a lifetime without sexual desire is to surgically his eyes and sex organs at birth
It is really unnatural to let men and women abstain from sex in the name of religion. If you see in Islam the Prophet Mohammad married 12 ladies in his life. Islam never allows religion to overpower basic human instints. This is the reason a Muslim man if can do justice can marry four ladies at a time.

It gets nuttier and more profound, sometimes simultaneously, from there. Read the rest via this link.

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Atheists in Italy Learn That God Hates Them

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:04:00 GMT

The atheist bus campaign rolls on.

Its latest victims and champions can be found in Italy, where the city of Genoa was supposed to be rewarded for its long ties to some small religion (it apparently involves worshiping an old kook in a big pointy hat) by facing off with the greatest of all evils: a billboard ad.

This time, however, the controversial slogan went unseen by the brainwashed/enlightened masses, thanks to either define intervention or faulty mechanics...

According to the UPI, the first bus to feature a hotly-contested ad ventured out into the streets this morning, only to be confronted by a dying battery. Within minutes, the public transit vehicle was back at headquarters for repairs, and Catholics (and, well, other religious people) were laughing and praising their Lord.

By the way, this is far from the end of the story. The bus should be back on the streets again soon, having survived only the latest of rounds in a long-running dispute. It originally was going to feature an ad reading "The Bad News Is God Doesn't Exist. The Good News Is You Don't Need Him," a much harsher version than the original atheist bus ad running in various parts of the world ('There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.")

The new bus reads: "The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression," which gives the impression we're going out with a whimper... and not with a big bang.

Via UPI. Photo via Flickr.

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Florida Pastor Wants Us to Have Sex!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

This guy is a Pastor and he believes people should have sex-- and not the unprotected, married kind of sex that may result in 14 babies. The other kind-- the kind that people actually want to have!

"You tend to hear about the 'Thou shalt nots,' " Underwood said. "We want to talk about the 'Thou shalts.'"

In a story in today's Palm Beach Post, Pastor Ray Underwood explains why he's chosen to feature sex advice in his Sunday sermons for the past several weeks (and through March 1st.) Among the choice excerpts:

"I think we should be more aggressive and upfront about talking about critical issues in people's lives. In the past, I think we were embarrassed and unsure about ourselves."
Underwood gave his first sermon, "Hot Monogamy," a PG-11 rating and suggested that parents take kids under that age to the child care center. A video projected on the church's big screen said, "so ... sex in church? Are we really going to talk about this? We need to." Though it could be kind of weird, the video warned — "like seeing a nude scene with your parents."
"We try to stay real, but this is a little more on the edge," he said. "Hopefully we won't fall off a cliff."

We personally hope you succeed, Pastor Ray, for if there's one thing religion needs, it's more sex. No, seriously-- perhaps if people were happier about their love lives, they'd leave the gays, Democrats, and other religions in peace.

And if anyone's going to make that happen, it's this guy:

Underwood often preaches in jeans, and the church's services feature video, drums and electric guitar. Though the church's style is edgy, he said, its message is more conservative.

Via the Palm Beach Post.

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Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Last month's story about the atheism bus and subway ad campaign is far and away the most-visited post we've ever run. Fools on both sides of the aisle are still debating the merits of the anti-God argument and every other aspect of the article. As of now, there are more than 80 comments (hey, that's a lot for us) and no end to the debate in sight.

Now, comes word that the Christians are striking back publicly, with their own counter-campaign to the counter-campaign...

After more than 150 complaints about the above-pictured slogan from whiners who had no problem with the original campaign, a pro-Christian God-loving and in-your-face bus ad, the Christians decided that public momentum was on their side. They've decided to strike back with this new marketing strategy: a bus ad.

"There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life."

Wow-- what, was "I know you are, but what am I?" already taken? Golf clap for creativity, guys, just taking the original slogan and changing the words to fit your own opinion. That kind of thinking is why Democrats gave it up to loser candidates like George Bush and Saxby Chambliss. ("No, terrorists are not going to kill you" "no, we will not raise taxes on the middle class," "no, John Kerry is not Herman Munster," etc.)

Then again, this is all just preaching to the choir-- almost literally. No one will be persuaded by either of these arguments, but it was admittedly refreshing to see an ad that didn't use scare tactics (that means you, "show up to church or God will punish you" billboards in the American South) to express a religious message.

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Today in WTF: An Iranian Cleric's Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:32:00 GMT

Iranian soap opera star Zahra Ebrahmi (seen at right) has been embroiled in a sex tape scandal for more than two years now, with the controversy threatening her acting career and personal freedom.

However, at long last, another sex tape is poised to knock her out of the headlines, one that is potentially more sensational...

The following video is a clip, unfortunately not a very helpful one, offered up by the Daily Beast, of an Iranian cleric committing adultery on an office floor. (If you can find a better, more complete version, please feed us the link in the comments.)

“Nobody saw you come in, did they?” says the unidentified government employee. “Want to do some Nasnas?” Which is Iranian for "wanna bang?"

According to the Beast, this video was leaked during an investigation into the cleric's sex life-- as you know, having a sex life in the Middle Eastern country is considered "immoral," because that would mean people are free to make their own decisions. We'd like to add that the hidden camera is, we're guessing, part of a scheme to blackmail and/or remove a political rival, as was the recent Atlantic City sex tape.

Whatever the reason, this is just a tease... we want the rest, damn it.

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All Aboard the Atheism Bus

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The biggest story in Britain right now is the "Atheism Bus" campaign, which involves the rental of 800 billboard-size spaces on the sides of London's double deckers. The backers raised more than $200,000, most of it in just four days, and are now moving in to subway advertising, which we were lucky enough to get a full preview of.

“I think it’s dreadful,” said Sandra Lafaire, 76, a tourist from Los Angeles, who said she believed in God and still enjoyed her life, thank you very much. “Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I don’t like it in my face.” But Sarah Hall, 28, a visitor from Australia, said she was happy to see such a robust example of freedom of speech. “Whatever floats your boat,” she said. [NY Times]

(Of course, Lafaire wasn't asked if she minded having the other, pro-Christianity signs in her face.)

That's the bus ad, obviously. Here are three of the four or five subway posters that are about to launch:

Meanwhile, activists all over the world have taken up the call and people in other countries should expect to see atheist messages on public transit as early as Monday. Meanwhile, claiming the ads "discriminate" against religious people (again, that didn't stop them from running pro-religious ads), a Tasmanian transportation company withdrew plans to allow for a similar campaign, and is now facing a lawsuit to reverse that decision.

Australian partners, unsurprisingly, also face tremendous public opposition to their plan:

They hoped to put adverts on the back of buses with slogans stating "atheism – celebrate reason" or "atheism - sleep in on Sunday mornings".
But the proposed campaign was rejected by APN Outdoor, the country's biggest outdoor advertising company.
David Nicholls, president of the Atheist Foundation of Australia, said: "I am flabbergasted. This is extremely disappointing and a severe blow to freedom of expression in Australia. [Telegraph]

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FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

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Muslim In Red Dress Controversy Responds

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 20:18:00 GMT

Last week, we brought you the story of Fata Lemes, a Bosnian woman living in England who is suing her former employer (a bar) for forcing her to wear a "revealing" outfit.

As we suspsected, the sensationalized Telegraph exclusive story about Lemes was, of course, sensationalized... and that Lemes would respond with the real story...

An anonymous commenter, possibly Fata herself, directed us to Fata's blog over the weekend:

The case has nothing to do with any religion.

Do you want your sisters looking like whores serving men?

Not necessarily, no, but we're not sure the dress was "whorish" either, even by the conservative movement's extreme standards. However, the problem with these kinds of cases is that one person's skank is another person's Sunday best-- and suing an employer for having a uniform that, for example, shows a slice of a person's back, is going to baffle most people.

So, Ms. Lemes, you'll forgive us for not siding with you immediately on this one-- until now, when we read your side of the story, which the Telegraph embellished beyond all recognition. Here's how Lemes's story conflicts with the original:

1) Her anger, refusal to wear the dress, and ensuing lawsuit had no connection to religion at all. She hasn't "felt religious since 1989."

2) It was not until her fourth shift that she was given an alternative uniform and asked to wear it. When she was hired, she had a simple black shirt to wear and it was accepted. If this is true, then no wonder she was offended-- that's a clear bait-and-switch reversal of the agreement she entered into with her employer and she had every right to refuse for any reason.

3) She only took action against Rocket (the bar in question) after they allegedly refused to pay her for her four shifts. Lemes insists she isn't likely to have brought suit against the establishment had the simply followed the rules and sent her a check.

You can read the rest of Fata Lemes's response on her blog, which appears to have been created specifically for this purpose.

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That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into a trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around...

(Remember-- there are no gods, curses, angels, miracles, Chicagoan saviors, or legitimate fortune tellers. If ever a man approaches you and offers to remove "a curse," tell him "that's the worst pickup line you've ever heard," kick him squarly in the groin, and take off running before the police arrive.)

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Frances Psichogios and her husband Tony Golossian tricked at least two women into having sex with them over a period of several years in order to "cure" the woman of a supposed curse. When the women's lives didn't seem to turn around, they went to the police, who arrested the voodoo king and queen for forced non consensual sex.

We'd like to know what it was that these women were trying to get rid of. A painful breakup? An STD? Or did it have absolutely nothing to do with sex at all? Scary stuff in any case...

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Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped our attention. Maybe because it was published on a day we had more important things to worry about...

On Halloween, the Telegraph published a story that began:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in
Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Wait, stop right there. We can understand the cucumber (obviously), the deodorant (shapely), even the carnation (we never thought of flowers as automatically phallic or even stimulating, but to each his own-- and you know the carnation incident was a "his"), but how in the Christ-- pardon my language, vicar-- do you fit a Russian doll up your ass?! Was it just the doll's arm? If so, it's an inflatable arm... how could that have been enjoyable? All that plastic and air?

Look at that. The Telegraph's bizarrely unfinished reportage caused us to be distracted from what should have been the lead heard 'round the world: A RELIGIOUS FIGURE STUFFED AN UNCOOKED (?) POTATO UP HIS OWN ASS, THEN CLAIMED HE FELL ON IT WHILE IT HAPPENED TO BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON A TABLE, THEREFORE FITTING INSIDE HIS TIGHT BUTTHOLE.

See that's the part that gets us-- his cover story might almost be believable in a giving-him-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way, but he still can't explain why, if the potato was laying on a table, it was able to fit head-first in his bunghole.

Image: We don't remember where we found it, but we've been trying to use it in a story for ages. Our apologies if you were expected a potato there and are very disappointed...

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The dumbest (tabloid) question of the day: "Does a woman's short haircut mean she isn't interested in sex?"

Hitler was "the perfect boss," according to his maid. We'll, uh, refrain from wishing he was still of this world, thank you very much.

Keanu Reeves' agent must have a mortgage to pay off or something if he's actually considering this...

Movie executives at 20th Century Fox are reaching out to Keanu Reeves to reprise his Jack Traven character for a third Speed film, according to Internet reports.

That shy-weird-studly actor from Twilight is starring in a new movie with Matthew McNulty about the possibly nonfictional love affair between Salvador Dali and Federico Garcia Lorca. IMDB says it is "Rated R for sexual content, language and a brief disturbing image." Let us guess-- Robert Pattison's dong?

The worst show in television history (tied with about a hundred other sitcoms and America's Funniest Home Videos, of course) may make a return, thanks to its star, John Stamos:

Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! Magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweeten. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

Sarah Palin declined to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps because Oprah would ask her if Africa was a country.

And Christian nutjob Rick Warren favors assassination. Thankfully, so far he's only named a foreign leader to his list.

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Sexy Priest: The 2009 Calendar... From the Vatican

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:59:00 GMT

While we have so far been able to track down a reputable online source for the 2009 Men's Rugby calendar we wrote about the other day, perhaps this will make up for it.

Or perhaps not. Priests-- hot or not?

We're surprised Ratzinger signed off on this one, even though it isn't the least bit offensive, sacreligious, or, well, stimulating. Of course, since treating celibate religious figures as sex objects may not be in keeping with the Vatican's puritannical mindset, we're betting whoever produced these for the tiny nation's gift shop snuck the supply in under the radar...

The above twosome feature in this year's edition of the 2009 Calendario Romano, available via this e-mail address. And although this website's Scanner-worthy English describes the calendar as "the most typical souvenir from Rome," we think this is most decidedly a venture only Vatican City could have undertaken...

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Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

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Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:46:00 GMT

A Swedish court handed down a decision last week acknowledging that The Madonna of Orgasm Church (the other Madonna) had a right to registration as a faith organization, which, according to news reports, is some sort of slap in the face to Christians...

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

What, because of the word Madonna? Man, those freaks need to get over themselves.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Bebeacua says his church has a few hundred followers, but we beg to differ: it's more like hundreds of millions, all of whom would probably welcome climaxing via landscape, if only we could figure out how the hell that's going to happen...

Via the Local.

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This Week In Gayness: Wanda Sykes Has Something To Say

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:55:00 GMT

Anti-Prop 8 rallies, in pictures. Meanwhile, grade-A pollster Nate Silver claims seniors are to blame for the initiative's success.

A mother with a five-year-old in Catholic school was forced out of the PTA after it was revealed that she had protested at one of those rallies.

Ellen Degeneres referred to straight man Chris Matthews as "grope-y."

Prince is pissing everyone off these days: his neighbors are upset that he wants them to join his religious cult, while the gays are miffed that he said homosexuality is not okay in God's eyes. Pretty much every blog and media outlet has made the same joke about "how could Prince hate the gays, with the way he dresses-- and that mustache!"

Our favorite story of the week, by far: female koalas in Australia no longer want to mate with males and are having lesbian orgies, with up to five partners, to the horror and/or amusement of everyone.

"In the future, if a gay person in California wants to get hitched, he'll have to do it the way God intended, to Liza Minnelli" - Stephen Colbert

Wanda Sykes is so pissed about Prop 8 passing, she came out of the closet. Speaking of pissed off people-- workers at Focus on the Family must be furious to find themselves laid off after the ministry spent so much money to carry Prop 8 over the finish line.

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Prince Has Something He'd Like to Talk to You About

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:07:00 GMT

We are bursting with the news that Prince has been knocking on his neighbors' doors to spread a message near and dear to his little purple heart.

What could possibly be so important that Prince would put down his guitar and talk to strangers?

The word of the Jehovah's Witnesses, what else? According to Page Six, Jehovah's Witness Prince has to go door to door just like everyone else.

"Sometimes people act surprised, but mostly they're totally cool about it," says Prince. The "When Doves Cry" singer adds that he sees his conversion as more of "a realization. It's like Morpheus and Neo in 'The Matrix.' "

Not gonna lie, if Prince came to our door, we would totally convert, or "realize," or whatever. But only on the condition that he let us try on his clothes and have a photo shoot. For God, of course.

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Because it's real damn difficult to find a picture of a female in a sexy vicar's costume...

The Church of England has barred the Reverend Teresa Davis from practicing her craft for 12 years, following a tribunal that found her to have violated her vows.

The Reverend made the terrible mistake-- not of going to France and participating in a swingers weekend, not of showing up drunk at her church on a Sunday-- rather, for telling everyone she could get ahold of about all of it...

Mrs Davies was said to have told two church colleagues at a Christmas lunch in 2006 that she and her husband had spent holidays without their children in the South of France, in an area that she said was noted for “the casual exchange of sexual partners”.
The tribunal also heard that Mrs Davies, 37, and her husband had posted under the name “Tess and Mick, Daventry” on swinging websites.

Having sobered up enough to have a moment of clarity, Davies told another member of the clergy that maybe she had said too much. And indeed, although she admitted to the whole thing while facing the London tribunal, they were unforgiving.

The tribunal said: “Clergy who commit sexual misconduct have to be dealt with firmly and in a way which would protect those who could be harmed if the respondent were otherwise allowed to remain in ministry.”
It added that she still had no appreciation of the seriousness of the findings against her, or of the damage caused. [Times Online]

Come on over stateside, Reverend. They'll love you in Middle America...

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While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:57:00 GMT

Your daily dummmy: guy who tried to pay for a lap dance with a bag of coke. The stripper was more insulted, it seems, by the fact that stuff was only worth $20:

Tualatin police arrested a man who allegedly paid for a lap dance with $20 and a baggy of cocaine.
Police spokeswoman Jennifer Massey said officers responding to a call from a bouncer found Jose Angel Bruno Melgar outside Jiggles Tavern and he acknowledged giving cocaine to the dancer.

The 19-year-old from Cornelius has been charged with cocaine possession and lodged in the Washington County jail. Massey said Monday the cocaine has a street value of $20.

This woman is a true hero. She went to a house auction to help her son purchase a home and ended up sitting next to another woman, who was crying hysterically. Turns out the crying woman's home, now foreclosed, was up for sale. The stranger bought the woman's home for 30 big ones and handed it back to her.

Did Richard Dreyfuss just say he hated working with "fascist" Oliver Stone? Actually, that's what everyone who works with Stone says about him.

A man is in jail after for hitting a cop with a beer bottle and leading the police on a high speed chase, which ultimately led to his own tasing and arrest. The best part? Laughing it off, he told the cops he didn't give a shit, since his crime was "a misdemeanor." It need not be said he is charged with several felonies.

Shut up, Dina Lohan.

You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later: a robocall done by what sounds like a sex line worker.

And one Fark headline claims "Evangelicals have sex earlier-- and more of it-- than any other religious group." Read the full story in this week's New Yorker.

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