Scanner : recession

Prostitutes In Russia Make Lateral Career Movement to Therapists

Drew Grant — Mon, 04 May 2009 13:18:00 GMT

Mixed feelings about this Washington Post article claiming that Russian men hiring nightly escorts are no longer looking for sex, but rather a shoulder to cry on.

On the one hand: Hey, it's these dude's money, and it's probably awesome for these women to take a break from the endless, cold, har Siberian sex to make ends meet, and to just sit and be a good listener for 45 minutes.

On the other hand: Really? You're going to a prostitute to complain about your shitty economic condition? You know these women aren't just handing out blow-jays because they're bored in the Motherland, right?

Sloppy Seconds: Get Gay Married in New Hampshire?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:03:00 GMT

As of this morning, federal officials had confirmed 91 infections of swine flu in 11 states. Time to freak the fuck out, people! [Baltimore Sun]

In her new memoir, Elizabeth Edwards said she vomited after learning of her husband, former democratic presidential candidate John Edwards', affair. [Us]

Liev Schreiber used to resent girlfriend and baby mama Naomi Watts' fame. But he's learned to live with it. [FemaleFirst]

Porn star Joanna Angel talks about how the recession has affected her end of the sex industry. [FlavorWire]

The New Hampshire Senate yesterday voted 13-11 to approve gay marriage. The bill has been sent back to the House for changes and if the bill becomes law, New Hampshire will be the fifth state to allow same-sex marriages. [Boston.com]

Just in time for the first gay American Idol? [Reuters]

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Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

I often joke about getting a sugar daddy, but underneath the humor lies some honest interest. Making a career out of freelance writing, I've sort-of condemned myself to a life of poverty, or near poverty anyway. I live paycheck to paycheck, pay my bills late most of the time and am not ashamed to admit I like to buy things—clothes, shoes, nice dinners. And the idea of a sugar daddy sounds sort-of great, doesn't it? Especially in this economy. Getting my bills paid, not having to worry about how anyone is going to finance a car for me with my terrible credit, all the clothes I want... and all in return for just showing an old man a good time? Sure, maybe it's a little like prostitution, but like I've always said, any mutually beneficial agreement between to consensual adults should remain between those two consensual adults.

True, there are plenty of reasons not to do it. I can't imagine having sex with someone I'm not attracted to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little concerned with what other people would think. But if I happened to meet an attractive, intelligent, hilarious man who was also loaded and wanted the pleasure of my company now and then, I'd have a hard time turning that down. The one thing I can't bring myself to do is find a sugar daddy online, though I must say it would be surprisingly easy to do should I find myself suddenly unemployed or with medical bills I couldn't pay. In addition to craigslist ads like this one, there are multiple sites like seekingarrangement.com that match pretty young things up with sugar daddys—and sugar mamas. Until I get that desperate, I'll keep pretending credit cards are free money and joking about the day my Sean Connery type comes along.

But what about you? Could you—would you—get a sugar daddy (or mama)? And if so, under what circumstances?

Related:

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Scanner Roundtable: Boobies

Scanner Roundtable: All the Single Ladies, Would You Date a Guy (or Gal) With Kids?

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Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

Related:

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

Breast Milk: To Suckle Or Not To Suckle

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The Squeaky Wheel Gets (Some of) the Grease

Colleen Kane — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:45:00 GMT

I'm not sure if it's related or pure coinky-dink, but after I posted about Plenty magazine's delinquent freelancer payments yesterday, I heard from former Plenty editor Mark Spellun.

He sent the following letter proposing a new deal, along with a release.

Math has never been my strong suit, hence my less-than-lucrative career in the wild world of publishing, but one thing I remembered from math class was how to figure out percentages, so I made my little proportion and cross-multiplied, with furrowed brow, head scratching, and tongue poking out the corner of my mouth. Twenty-seven minutes later, I had my answer.

Turns out they're paying me 75% of what was owed for the last two months of 2009.

I could get involved in some legal battle, or I could sign the release. So I signed it, and supposedly the check is in the mail. I'm pretty sure it's not an April Fools' joke.

Bye-bye, 25%! But all is not lost. If I get enough page views on this post, I can potentially recoup most of that loss. Thanks for clicking through.

A Comparatively Respectable New Gig for This Girl

Sloppy Seconds: Portia de Rossi Apologizes for Getting Gay Married

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A court in Los Angeles has issued a restraining order against a man who is apparently obsessed with "Dancing With the Stars" contestant and former Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson after he tried to break into the set of the show. [NYT]

Newly-single Madonna plans to adopt another Malawian child. [Us]

Nicole Kidman has joined the cast of the new Woody Allen film. [Yahoo!]

Yet another magazine has folded. This time it's the music mag Blender. [AdAge]

Portia de Rossi has publicly apologized for her gay marriage. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, of course. [The Remote Island]

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Holds Out, Won't Put Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

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The Gays Won't Save the Economy Either

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:11:00 GMT

Gay couples don't all live in fabulous bungalows in California, spacious lofts in Chelsea or cozy one-bedrooms in Park Slope. Still, many of us, when we imagine the lifestyles of same-sex coupes—especially those who don't have children—think about all of that disposable income they must have. This dear readers, is the "gay affluence myth."

While it is true that many gay couples in major metropolitan areas are more well off than their straight counterparts, a new study reports that same-sex families, as a rule are poorer.

From the study:

-One in five children living in a same-sex household is poor compared to one in 10 for children in opposite-sex married families.

-Nationally, 24 percent of lesbians and bisexual women are poor compared to 19 percent of heterosexual women.

-15 percent of gay and bisexual men nationally are poor compared to 13 percent of heterosexual men.

The study's authors theorized that gays and lesbians might be more vulnerable to poverty because of discrimination (employment, insurance and other rights and benefits).

[The Desert Sun: Study: Gay families are poorer]

Related:

Gay Marriage is Good for the Economy, Stupid

The Gay Marriage Debate Rages on in California

Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?"

The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on.

In 1992, Steve Charlton was a 23-year-old recent college grad, trying to make his way in the field of biology. One night, he and some friends decided to buy a birthday girl a giant dildo as a present.

His original plan was to drive the dildo to Chicago after the girl left it behind. However, when he realized his parents (who lived there) might see it, he hid it in his car and forgot about. One night, many moons later, he was having his car serviced and, after leaving it at the mechanics, realized what the dudes in the garage were going to find.

Charlton decided to get cash from an ATM and pay under an alias in order to hide shame from his family. Somehow, this also lead to him buying five lotto tickets from the place hosting the ATM, due to some sort of guilt over not making any purchases there.

And the rest is history.

But where is the famed dildo today:

He ended up using his biology degree after all: For five years he's worked in soil and groundwater sampling for an environmental services company.

How he won the lottery doesn't come up too much any more. When it does, Charlton said it's a story best told over beers.

As for the, um, adult toy?

Charlton has it. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it's in a plastic tote in his basement. [Des Moines Register]

Basically, that dildo is worth $2 million, cash. If Charlton isn't using it, we'd like to try it out for good luck.

Another Reason Why You're Fat: the McGangBang

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

Eat Me Daily recently chronicled the entire known history of the culinary phenomenon known as the McGangBang. It is quite possibly the reason why you are fat and why America is collapsing. But on the plus side, it only costs $2.16! Recession food!

The McGangBang is not on the McDonald's menu, although some employees have caught on that it means a McChicken sandwich inside of a double cheeseburger. Since both items are from the dollar menu, it totals just over two bucks, and it could be heralded as economical innovation in the face of adversity. But really, the total amounts to more than that, as expressed in this cautionary quote describing the McGangBang experience:

It's kind of like having a threesome with two ugly chicks. While it's happening you're stoked, because hey threesome!!! But once you're finished it kinda sinks in about what you've done.

Variations include the Burger King WhopGangBang (invented after three unsuccessful attempts to get a McGangBang), and the McWhitey, which is a Filet-o-Fish patty between two McChicken patties with Filet-o-Fish sauce. (Scanner Colleen, who once made chicken-fried veggie bacon, might have to fix herself the first veggie GangBang.)

The piece on Eat Me Daily has the McGangBang-related links and videos.

My Milkshake Brings All the Lard to My A*s

Your Parents Made You Fat, But Not How You Thought

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West Dresses Better Than the Gays

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

It turns out T.R. Knight isn't the only actor leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Katherine Heigl is on her way out, too. [Defamer]

Rihanna, who was allegedly beat-up by her boyfriend Chris Brown, has been released from the hospital but is postponing a show she's set to play in Malaysia. [Yahoo!]

We're totally onboard for the Michael Phelps backlash-backlash. [Jossip]

Want to know what the hell kind of fertility clinic would inseminate a 33-year-old single mother of six with eight fucking more babies? [SNAFU-ed]

Britney Spears took her assistant back from the Jonas Brothers. Damn straight. [Us]

Media outlets are looking for sugar daddies to get them through the recession. Come to think of it, we wouldn't mind one, either. [DailyIntel]

Guys, Kanye West is just really secure with his manhood, okay? "There's a lot of gay people that I dress way better than." [MTV]

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MSNBC Needs a Lesson on Panties

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 22:10:00 GMT

A hard-hitting MSNBC video expose on a trend in sales of panties-- namely, that sales of thongs are down in the economic downturn in favor of "granny panties"-- reveals an oversimplified, antipodal view of panties. According to newscaster Lauren Petty of WVIT, there are only two kinds.

Can we just review the range of other readily available categories, all of which are more comfortable than thongs and less ugly than granny panties?

String bikini.

Bikini.

Boyshort/ hipster cut.

Vintage-style high-waisters.

Just sayin'. And to watch that news video, it's here.

Scanner Survey: Hot or Not, Granny Panties?

Sloppy Seconds: Panties for Peace

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

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Single Ladies (Put a Used Ring on It)

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:24:00 GMT

While there are a few things we will always buy new (vibrators!), these days, we're getting most everything second hand: furniture ($50 Craigslist couch!), clothes and cookware (vintage Pyrex!). And if we ever got engaged, we imagine we wouldn't mind a second-hand ring, especially if we could verify that said ring had a conflict-free diamond.

So when someone from I Do Now I Don't—an eBay-like auction site for wedding and engagement rings—wrote us, we thought it was a great idea. Sellers post their rings and bidders get better-than-retail prices. But then superstition kicked in and we wondered why anyone would want to wear a ring from a broken marriage or engagement.

Mara Opperman, of I Do Now I Don't, answered that question for us.

As Mark Twain once so eloquently put, “It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.”

You know the old saying, “one person’s trash is another person’s treasure.” Someone’s bad luck could be someone else's good luck. Also, what many people fail to realize is that chances are the ring they are wearing was on somebody else’s finger at some point. People return jewelry to stores all the time. When you are buying a ring at Tiffany’s for example, who's to say that ring wasn’t once returned. You just aren’t aware of it.

Then for the increasing number of brides that are focusing on keeping green, the good news is that diamonds are recycled all the time. Pop out a stone and put it in a new setting and most people couldn’t say whether the diamond was first cut 20 months or 20 years ago.

Finally, rings with history have value. Let’s not forget that rings get passed down through families. These rings are obviously “used” as well. And some of the most beautiful rings have been polished with love.

All in all, our site is a great way to make things affordable for people in these tough economic times.

As for our conflict-free concern, Opperman said most rings will come with a certificate or proof. But our favorite part of the site, really, is the page that helps us understand what all that karat business is about.

[I Do Now I Don't]

Related:

Holiday Gift Guide, Your Doomed Marriage Edition: Diamonds

Diamond Dave Assteroidz!

New Titty Mag at Harvard Has the Worst. Name. Ever.

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Charmin Ultra Strong

Meanwhile, in Iceland...

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 22:29:00 GMT

Has anyone paid attention to Iceland this week? Their banks collapsed on Monday leading to a government fail, their currency went down, and it's generally a wreck. Tear gas was used at protests for the first time in the country in half a century. It's sad times for a great little progressive country, but things may be turning around.

Iceland's new interim prime minister is Johanna Sigurdardottir, who will be the first femle prime minister. She's an openly gay former flight attendant, and the only minister whose approval rating went up in the past year. New elections will be held in May, and Johanna may not remain in office, but here's hoping a positive change has also come to our neighbor in the Atlantic.

Related:

Seminole Casino Solves The Economic Crisis... With Strip Poker

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

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From the Archives: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:53:00 GMT

We ran this almost a year ago, but we're reposting it because this shit is getting depressing. We need some kind of silver lining.

Do recession woes have you down? Are you worried about losing your job and/or your yipster lifestyle? As terrifying as doing your own laundry and switching from Americanos to drip coffee may seem, the recession could do wonders for your love life. And as we learn from Caitlin MacRae, economist, sexologist and Nerve intern, life as a normal person affected by the recession is a lot like life as a blogger.

10. Fine wine will once again be for stuffy rich people.

These days, everyone’s expected to be able to select the correct boujolais from a leather-bound list of hundreds, adding anxiety to an otherwise pleasant date. When the economy tanks and you’re forced to go back to meeting up at the kinds of bars you don’t find in Zagats, the two of you can relax and do shots of Jim Beam while wistfully reminiscing about your vintage merlots – and your vintage careers.

9. Lack of disposable income will force you and your date to engage in exhilarating illegal activities.

Before you had a job, before you were old enough to get into bars, you lived a romantic existence free of any sense of social propriety or personal accountability. Instead of planning extravagant outings, you figured out how to skulk around verboten locales, pool-hopping late into the night and making out in the backseats of unlocked cars. Just because you’re all grown up doesn’t mean you can’t still indulge in such shenanigans, and shimmying up to top of that water tower together is free, unless you need to post bail.

8. Bars are filled with the unemployed by three p.m., drunken hookups will be in progress by five.

When everyone works till seven, happy hour doesn’t really get going until eight, which doesn’t leave much time to get tanked and slur pickup lines at strangers before a responsible working-person’s bedtime. With more free time, you can look forward to those midday drink specials and the afternoon bouts of poor judgment they produce.

7. You’ll find out if those coffee shops really are hotbeds of early-afternoon sexual tension.

Your freelancer friends have long regaled you with stories of giddy midday coffee-shop flirtations, making their wayward life sound like Prince’s Black Album incarnate. You’ll soon find out if this secret holy land of semi-employed sexual tension actually exists, since you’ll be parked in this alleged paradise of furtive glances all day while Craigslisting for gigs.

6. Breakfast will replace brunch.

Somewhere between the lemon-pepper-vodka Bloody Marys and the sea-salt-and-pesto poached eggs, we lost sight of the real magic of weekend mornings: sloth-like apartment lingering. Instead of showering, throwing on a jaunty scarf and skipping down to the chirpy, overpriced brunch nook, you and your significant other – or last night’s trick -- can shuffle around in ancient pajama pants, fry up half a pound of bacon, and have morning sex without waiting for an overworked server to bring you the check.

5. Museum dates will be unaffordable.

Like an Alzheimer’s patient, we return to the $20-per-ticket Museum of Modern Art again and again for an ill-conceived date with someone we don’t know very well and already feel awkward around. The museum date is a clumsy murder-suicide: the two of you shuffle from sculpture to painting while acting like pretentious eggheads as you try to discuss art that you don’t understand. Catch a discount matinee instead, and grope in the dark.

4. Library-sex will make a comeback.

Combine America’s declining interest in knowledge, free admission, and sultry, stuffy sex-maniac librarians, and suddenly you have an accessible, sparsely populated impromptu orgy club. The public library, with its many dim corners and unlocked “reading rooms,” is a recession-era Plato’s Retreat. Take it from a former librarian: the microfiche room is far from obsolete when reappropriated in the right fashion.

3. That romantic getaway to a Costa Rican eco-lodge will become a sordid roadtrip to a dingy Niagara Falls motel.

Never underestimate the beautiful sleaziness of vacationing on the cheap. After spending several hours in traffic, then bundling up in twelve layers to go stare at a plummeting body of water, you’ll be eager to trundle back to the seedy Fairway Motor Inn for an evening of basic cable, vending-machine dinner and the sickest, hottest sex you’ve had since your first three months of dating. Splurge for the room with the mirror on the ceiling – we can’t even begin to explain how worth the money this is.

2. Tinier apartments lead to accidental sex.

Since rents never seem to drop with the rest of the market, you’ll need to downgrade from that sturdy loft to a tiny railroad apartment whose walls seem to actually amplify your neighbors’ late-night viewing choices. Might as well seize the opportunity to accidentally on purpose touch one of your five roommates’ breasts while reaching around her to grab your coffee mug in the morning. With everyone unemployed and starved for a little human contact – and the unpaid electric bill shrouding you in darkness -- you can get away with more than usual.

1. More dates take place in the cheapest available venue: the bedroom.

Pirated movies on your laptop, cheap take-out and some PBR serve the exact same function as the overpriced museum, the brunch spot, and the wine bar - and none of those places have the advantage of being right where you want to be in the first place. Happy poverty!

—Caitlin MacRae

Originally Posted March 8, 2008

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The Other Long Goodbye: Magazines

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:31:00 GMT

Now that that clown W is out of office, it's time to turn our attention to the other long goodbye. The slow and agonizing death of magazines in general isn't necessarily the domain of Scanner, but the sputtering gasps of this particular title that laid off editors last week is.

Yep.

Et tu, Penthouse? Conde Nast Portfolio announced that seven Penthouse employees were let go last week, although their CEO Marc Bell called it a downsizing and relocation.

We hope it ain't so that the title is in danger, but the future remains uncertain.

Today in Page Six: Naomi Campbell, Prince, Joe Francis, Unnamed Penthouse Pet

Penthouse Model Gives Us an Excuse to Write About the Fox Business Network

Sloppy Seconds: Penthouse at the Nursing Home

The End of Masturbaking?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Another victim of the economy bites the dust: the New York Press' blog reported that the East Village Cajun eatery Old Devil Moon has closed its doors. This is bad news not just for fans of their Cajun-style food, but for fans of cupcakes shaped like boobs, and let's not forget cakes shaped like penises: Masturbakers was headquartered in the ODM premises as well.

What is to become of the city's best-known purveyor of penis pastries?

The Masturbakers website is down and the New York Press reports they're on hiatus as they look for a new location, but if anyone's having an emergency for which the only solution is a weiner cake*, email masturbakers@hotmail.com.

* Scanner Colleen is just sayin' that "tit's" her birthday today. (Tit really 'tis.)

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Boobies? No? How About Boobs?

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Big Brother Has Boobs and Our Attention

Something Useful We Hope You Don't Need Much in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:42:00 GMT

For too long now, when discussing bad news amongst friends, I have punctuated that verbally with the traditional sad horn sound: [wah-wahhhhhhhhh]. But now, just in time for the news in Gawker's "Great Magazine Die-Off" category that one of my regular freelance outlets is folding their print magazine, my old man stumbled across a newer and slightly updated handy push-button sound effect online, with an awesome url as a bonus.

You might recognize this sound of dismay from The Price is Right. It's the "you fucked up" sound.

Bombombomwooooo.com

It can easily be applied to "we're all screwed" and "oh crap I missed the credit card bill due date again so now my APR will be like 35%" and all sorts of similar sentiments. I know this is going to get a lot of use in my household, but lets hope none of us needs to use it too much.

Related:

The Public Distracted, McCain Runs Campaign Into The Ground

A Comparatively Respectable New Gig for This Girl

Blog, Bloggier, Bloggiest: An IM Exchange About Gawker

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Juggs "Tops" List of Indestructable Magazines

Colleen Kane — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:23:00 GMT

At the end of a year when magazines folded left and right, Jossip named five indestructable titles, and five more flies you can expect to drop in the next year.

Proving once again the continuing popularity of boobs, particularly the large sort, Jossip does not expect Juggs to fold in 2009.

Their other die hard titles included fogie favorite Parade, Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, Cigar Aficionado, and Details. Read why here.

On the doomed list: Maxim (following the falls of its laddy bretheren FHM and Stuff), City (what's City anyway?), The Advocate (basically useless in the Internet age), Glamour (or any other in the glutted field of lady magazines) Life & Style (or any in the glutted field of celerity gossip rags).

Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

Porn Poll: How Do You Like Your Porn?

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Boobies? No? How About Boobs?

Image: Wonderclub.com

Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Emily Farris — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:41:00 GMT

The nearly naked girl Michael Phelps has been spotted with his not his girlfriend. Mmmkay? [Us]

Another one (of our potential future husbands) bites the dust. Sam Talbot, ~~winner~~ runner up from Season 2 of Top Chef got married in a secret ceremony last month, further increasing my chances of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. [People]

If you're selling pictures you took of Amy Winehouse smoking crack, it's possible you were also smoking (or selling) crack and might go to jail. [Radar]

What does Harvey Weinstein have to say about yesterday's Golden Globe nominations? [Vulture]

Just in time for us to go all batshit on it, Facebook is now totally legit! Donald Graham, chairman and chief executive of the Washington Post Co, has agreed to join the board of directors. [Yahoo!]

Kanye West is looking for an internship. No, not an intern, an internship. [FadedYouth]

White House officials turned down Barack Obama's request to move into The Blair House—where incoming presidents usually stay before inauguration—early so that his daughters, Sasha and Malia could start school on time. We hear the Red Roof Inn is really nice, though. [NYT]

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More Shameless Self Promotion: I'll Give You a Cookie if You Buy My Book

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:03:00 GMT

This is just a friendly reminder that I wrote a cookbook about casseroles. This is also a friendly reminder that soon we're all going to be poor and we'll only be able to afford to eat casseroles so you might as well buy the book while you can still afford to at least buy books, right? Plus, people love it so far.

[Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven]

Image by Emily Wilson

Today in Jobs You Probably Don't Want Right Now: Senior Publicist for Dow Jones

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 20:11:00 GMT

Dow Jones (which is down 202 points today) is seeking a senior publicist. Number-one requirement they didn't want to post? You must be non-suicidal.

If you can handle that, you might just score yourself a job. Description after the jump.

Position Description:

This is a key role within the Corporate Affairs team at a key time for Dow Jones as it extends its market-leading brands to new markets and new audiences. You will work with senior managers to conceive, execute and implement communications plans at the corporate level. This is a job for someone who can offer strategic counsel as well as traditional PR skills. You will be supporting major corporate projects for both internal and external audiences. Expect to be a writer, preparing press releases and other correspondence for senior executives. Expect to plan events to support the company’s priorities. Media relations are part of the routine. So is managing content on internal and external Web sites.

Position Requirements:

Successful candidate should have three or more years experience in public relations in a corporate or agency role. Strong written and verbal communication skills are a must as this job demands an effective and confident writer. Strong competence with standard software used in contemporary communications such as PowerPoint is also required. Events-planning experience helps. College degree is preferred as is knowledge and experience in the media industry.

[va MediaBistro]

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Video of the Day: Where is My Bailout?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:13:00 GMT

Pixies + Fight Club + Huge Economic Crisis = Pretty Great Video Remix. It's rare we say we wish a video was longer... even if it is viral marketing.

Sloppy Seconds: Matilda Rose Ledger's Big Gift

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Britney Spears sex tape. Excuse us while we go throw up the twelve pounds of crab cakes we ate in Baltimore this weekend. [MollyGood]

The economy may be falling to shit, but at least we can still afford Photoshop. [DailyIntel]

The New York Sun (where Scanner Emily got her journalistic start in New York many moons ago) was supposed to close for good today but will put out another issue tomorrow. Maybe, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus. And he loves conservatives. [Reuters]

Country singer Mindy McCready is headed back to jail. [Us]

Lawyers for Heath Ledger's estate are suing over a $10M life insurance policy they claim has gone unpaid since the actor's death. [AP]

However, when everything is settled, Heath's entire estate will go to his daughter with Michelle Williams, Matilda. [People]

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

It started out as a gag, a way for one anonymous man, allegedly in debt, to get back at Capitol One, but it quickly escalated into an internet sensation in Britain. The man posted the transcripts of his calls on an online forum devoted to money saving tips, where other users him on for several days. Then in March, a twist in the proceedings allowed the debtor to turn the tables on his tormentors and have the last laugh...

For the past two months, a poster under the name of "zincoxide" has been writing on the Money Saving Expert forum about his conversations with representatives of Debitas Legal Services. Debitas, which purports to be a debt collection agency although is in fact itself operated out of Capitol One, has been harassing "zincoxide" with up to 17 phone calls per day about his debt. What debt, says "Mr. X"? His card, he claims, "was used fraudulently" and he doesn't owe them a shilling. The fighting quickly turned ugly-- and off-the-wall funny, as per the below:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: 25/12/00
Debitas: Sorry
Me: 25/12/00 - I am Jesus
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: That's Ok, I forgive all sins
Debitas: Is this Mr X
Me: You are speaking to Jesus
Debitas: Urm.....(hangs up)

No two calls are ever the same, nor does Mr. X/"zincoxide" ever repeat his characters, such as the old man who has lost his hearing aid:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: I don't really want to
Debitas: If it makes you feel any better, these details are available to the public on the electoral role
Me: Great! Why don't you confirm my details there and call me back!!
Debitas: How is that confirming your identity?
Me: Speak up
Debitas: (shouting) How is that confirming your identity?!
Me: I don't need to confirm my identity - I know who I am
Debitas: You are not helping yourself and you'll learn this in the future
Me: Oh dear - are you gonna send the boys around?
Debitas: A bailiff may be sent around
Me: Oh I hope he's the rugby type - does he have a firm bum?
Debitas: Keep your mobile on Mr X (hangs up)

Sometimes Debitas tries to call him back instantly to throw him off, but X always brings his A game. In one conversation, they ask him who he is and he replies, "the burglars." When they try to catch him faking by asking him to repeat his address, he deadpans, "I don't know, but there was a window open." The idiots amazingly continue to play along with his charades on every call. (Don't miss page 5, in which X pretends to be a Debitas operator that the Debitas rep has called by accident.)

Mr. X has tormented his equally anonymous callers by badly crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; answering under the guise of the STD helpline and inquiring as to the intensity of the caller's "burning sensation"; and forcing callers to mimic his mock-flamboyant "wassssupp" before answering any of their questions (they actually comply!) For 16 of the thread's 27 webpages, the two forces duke it out call by recorded cellphone call, until one side grudgingly admits defeat:

Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment

But Mr. X would not go gently into that good night. No, at this point, he'd gone from being upset to looking forward to their harassing calls, just so he could have a few laughs. He had to have one more, lest the whole thing ended with a whimper:

I decided that I would invoice Debitas for each call & text message I received after asking them to reply by letter ONLY. I have charged then £50 per call or text message and was amazed to find that it comes to £2450!! [Ed.: Note that this is far greater than Mr. X's debt.]
[T]he invoice... [gives] them 15 days to pay - after which time they will be charged interest at 8% per MONTH and I have also informed them that I am prepared to pass the invoice to a debt collection agency should they fail to pay.

Has anyone else out there turned the tables on collection agencies, telemarketers, or just your boring old neighborhood "breather"?

Recession Special: What Businesses Can Learn From Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:18:00 GMT

Are you a small business owner? Do you like porn? If you have a pulse and therefore answered yes to either of these questions, you should check out the Dirty Writer's 10 Important Business Lessons From the Porn Industry. The article/list shows how the adult film and photo industry continues to increase its profits every year-- mainly through no-holds barred selling tactics and, um, ass. We can all learn something in these trying times:

8. Provide samples.
Provide the illusion of getting something for free. The more attractive and valuable the sample appears to be, the more interested they will be in the real product.

There's also a list of Top 10 Things To Do In A Recession, which is utterly irrelevant to the above, but worth noting for #10:

10. Catch up on your internet porn. Don't bother paying; you can waste hours a day just checking out the free stuff.

Previously: 10 Reasons The Recession Will Rock Your Love Life.

10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:24:00 GMT

[Image via]