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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:51:00 GMT

The famous Calendar Girls are back... and sexier/older than ever, of course.

Lindsay Lohan talked to saintly Ellen Degeneres about her breakup with Samantha Ronson.

The verdict against The Pirate Bay has been thrown into question after the defense was able to tie the judge to "the copyright lobby."

The Weekly Vice had three stories yesterday that caught our attention: one was about a teacher who sent a turd home with a student who may have taken a dump in her class, and the other two were about teachers have sex with underage students. Our kind of news day.

Defamer wonders whether the titan of independent film is going out of business.

As if True Blood needs anymore sex appeal: Evan Rachel Wood is joining the HBO series.

Maybe the wedding is real after all: Spencer Pratt reportedly spent a quarter of a million dollars on his bride-to-be in the lead up to tomorrow's (fake?) wedding.

Sarah Palin has had to set up a legal defense fund to help fight all the ethics complaints against her.

Here's your dumbass of the day: a woman broke into a minimum security prison to have sex with her boyfriend, proceeded to have a loud argument with him the alerted everyone to her presence, and was arrested at the scene after her boyfriend escaped.

While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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German Pop Star Arrested for Spreading a Little HIV With Her Message

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:51:00 GMT

A member of one of the most famous girl bands in Germany has been arrested on suspicion that she knowingly spread HIV to at least one man.

Nadja Benaissa (pictured second from the left), a member of the band No Angels, is accused of sleeping with at least three men, sans condom, full-well knowing she was HIV positive. At least one of those three men has tested positive for HIV, supposedly as a result of sleeping with Benajssa over a period of a few weeks in 2004.

Benajssa was arrested at a nightclub on Saturday night where she was set to give a solo concert and is now being held in a one-person cell in a women's prison.

Under German law, knowingly infecting another person with HIV qualifies as "grievous bodily harm" and can result in six months to ten years in prison. However, if Benaissa can prove she did not know she was HIV positive, the infection will not be considered a crime.

The organization German AIDS Help believes that the way in which her status was made public was unacceptable. "This case fits fantastically into the tabloid and media landscape," said Jörg Litinschuh, spokesman for DAH. "It centres on a famous woman, sexuality and possible guilt. It's a form of modern witch-hunting and I hope it's not an indication that the politics of dealing with HIV and Aids is becoming more restrictive."

Yes, but remember kids: no matter what that boy or girl says (and no matter how famous he or she is), you need to see those STD test results before the condom comes off.

[Guardian: German singer in jail after ex-lover claims she infected him with HIV]

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[Image]

With Most Teachers Already In Jail, Principals Getting In On The Student Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:10:00 GMT

Yes, we're exaggerating a bit when we claim "most" teachers are in jail for sleeping with their students (or other underage kids.) But it's no great lie to say that it feels like at least twice a day now that we're hit with another rough set of allegations about teaching staff going hog wild in locker rooms, parked cars, or on classroom desks.

Brookann Collier, a 32-year-old from Santa Maria, California, decided that she would be one of the few to get away with it...

Collier is was a principal at Tunnell Elementary School in town, which is where she met a 14-year-old that she slept with for almost five years. The victim, now 20, since graduated from both the elementary school and a nearby high school, but that doesn't mean Collier was off the hook. While many grown men claim they "wish" something sinister like this had happened to them in their glory days, there's an usual twist here:

The victim is a girl. The rumor is she wasn't a lesbian at all and continued the relationship under force. Either way, Collier is charged with child molestation because the victim was under 15 at the time of the first sexual assault. The accused posted the $100,000 in bail and is now out on the street.

Image via here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

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14-Year-Old Girl Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

A fourteen-year-old New Jersey girl faces up to 17 years in prison and lifetime membership into the Sex Offenders registry after police found her to be in possession of child pornography, including some graphic, full-frontal nude photos.

Of course, there's much more to the story than just that...

A message like the one seen above now takes up most of the unidentified girl's MySpace Pictures folder. It is believed, based on early reports, that the teen posted more than two dozen nude photos of herself to her profile, mainly for her boyfriend to see. How anyone could still think they're going to get away with this with all the buzz about people being arrested for sexting is beyond us. Why anyone would post the photos on a public profile with the intent of one person seeing them is way beyond our capacity of understanding. Which is why the only explanation is that this girl is too young to know any better, and therefore, she should not be going through this:

The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography. She was released to her mother's custody.
If convicted of the distribution charge, she would be forced to register with the state as a sex offender under Megan's Law, said state Attorney General Anne Milgram. She also could face up to 17 years in jail, though such a stiff sentence is unlikely.

You'll note that Milgram is not saying, "Wait a minute, the pictures are of herself? And she's only 16? Um, yeah, we'll be knocking this down a misdemeanor, no question." Idiot.

Meanwhile, the mother whose daughter is the basis for Megan's Law said the girl should absolutely not be prosecuted. This is really a no-brainer, New Jersey. Taking the photos down and giving her a severe reprimand would have been enough...

More via the Associated Press/Google.

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This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:36:00 GMT

Ha ha-- Ken Starr is now forced to argue "whether it's legal to divest rights from a group of people." In this case, straight, married Californians.

Married Massachusetts lesbians made national news this week when one, clearly intoxicated, attacked the other with a turkey baster allegedly containing the attacker's brother's "sperm," in an attempt to impregnate her by force.

The religious wacko Obama appointed is meeting with Concerned Women for America and the Family Research Council-- guess who they're concerned about?

In a bold move yesteday, 38 graduates of West Point Military Academy came out of the closet to help support the gay movement in the army.

Bob Dylan's new album comes out at the end of April. Until then, we can only stare at that surprising, teasing cover and its already-famous gay kiss.

Nigeria, instead of fighting ripoff artists, wants to focus on punishing married gays and lesbians with three-year prison terms.

There were was an all-inclusive St. Patty's Day Parade in NYC over the weekend.

Aubrey O'Day may have come out of the closet to MTV.

Ending on a positive note as usual, the high school lesbian who was banned from wearing a tux to her prom will get her wish after all.

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Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

Here's one of our favorites from Detroit Mayor (excuse us, ex-Detroit Mayor and now ex-felon) Kwame Kilpatrick:

6/23/02
Kwame (11:16 p.m.): I wand you to talk to me while I do you. ------- I want you to focus on making me make you come! ERASE.

We wand you to click hard on the Read more... for the rest of these golden sext messages...

1) 2/24/03
Kwame's Wife (4:47 p.m.): Had a bad dream last night...that you had a girlfriend. So of course I woke up pissed!

Kwame to wife (4:52): LOL. I have one Girlfriend...My Best Ever and lastly My Soulmate! SLEEP WELL!!

Kwame to girlfriend (10:28): THIS IS FOR U! LOL. I have one Girlfriend...My Best Ever and lastly My Soulmate! SLEEP WELL!!

2) 9/08/04

Kwame (11:56): You TOLD ME. Ok, I SOLD WEED IN COLLEGE!

Girlfriend (11:58): WHHHHAAAAATTTT! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!!

Kwame (12:01 p.m.): LOLOLOLOL! YEP! ME AND TIM

3) 8/30/04
Kwame (5:25 p.m.): CAN I GET SOME SUGAR LATER?

Girlfriend (5:36): NO QUESTION!!!

Kwame (5:37): THANK YOU MAM!

4) 7/23/02
Kwame (2:51 p.m.): I REALLY BELIEVED THAT I HAD NO CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU. I've WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 17yrs OLD. I BELIEVED IT WAS MY ONLY OPPORTNITY[sic]. AT THAT TIME I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A TEENAGE FANTASY COME TRUE! NOW I KNOW DIFFERENT.

5) 6/10/02
Girlfriend (8:28 p.m.): Hey, would you be mad if I found another man/husband between now and sometime in the next two years? Lou Beatty and I might not make it and I need to find a new husband!

Kwame (8:50): I WOULD BE MAD AS HELL! STAY WITH LOU. I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DUDE.

Wait, his girlfriend was married as well? We didn't know that and, in a way, it does make this whole affair slightly more sordid. Thanks to Talking Points Memo for finding these five gems in the official transcripts, which contain over 6,000 messages between Kilpatrick and his then-chief-of-staff, Christine Beatty. Both were eventually arrested for obstruction of justice and perjury charges stemming from a simple $25,000 lawsuit, ending an administration marred by police officers murdering whistleblowers, Kilpatrick's wife assaulting strippers, and bribery allegations.

So, if you are starting to feel bad for the former Mayor because we're mocking him and exposing his hypocrisy, just think about that...

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

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This Guy Thought It Was OK To Sign Stepdaughter To Sex Contract

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

An Australian man has been sentenced to a mere eight years in prison for molesting his stepdaughter, who consented to be his love slave in a signed contract. The contract, which is totally illegal, of course, is just one of several bizarre twists in this agonizing, widely-publicized trial.

For starters, her mother was well aware of the goings-on...

The girl's mother, who, like the others involved in this case, remains unidentified, was sentenced to a mere six months in prison for encouraging the sixteen-year-old daughter to have a baby with the mother's own husband. The contract, which was partly her idea, called for the daughter to keep all the "baby bonuses," whatever those are. ("Having to wake up in the middle of the night all the time," "having to give birth to your stepfather's child and drop out of school"-- something along those lines?)

The woman talked her way out of a harsher sentence by claiming that she only wanted to have another child and because her two children have Hirschsprung's disease, the lovely couple decided to the sixteen-year-old girl should carry the kid. (Have these people ever heard of adoption or surrogate motherhood or sexual abuse laws?) The mother may or may not have known the real truth: that her husband had been molesting the girl since she was 12, which throws his whole pathetic argument out the window.

PS The contract at the top of this post is unrelated to the case, but you should really click on it for the larger pic.

You can read more about the conclusion of the court case here.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

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Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:57:00 GMT

If you've just been paroled after a somewhat lengthy prison stay, one that featured no conjugal visits and no reported sex with any female administrative assistants, you're probably about forty times hornier than the average male, who is, on average, forty times hornier than Jacques Casanova after three hits of ecstasy.

So, it's almost-- almost, we emphasize-- understandable that Jason Leroy Savage did something unspeakable with an inanimate object after his release...

It was October 16, 2008, in Thomas Township, Michigan, and the Fill-N-Wash Car Wash (no pun intended, of course) was open for business. According to reports, a police officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" at the business at about 6:45am. Upon arrival, he immediately noticed Savage standing in an "awkward" position near a coin-operated car vacuum machine. As he approached, he noticed Savage's pants were at his ankles and that he was receiving a literal "blow job" from the vacuum cleaner. Savage shrieked, "Oh shit!" and tried to explain... although he mainly ended up just apologizing for his embarrassment at having been caught having sex with a machine.

Savage was apparently on parole for a drug charge, among other minor crimes. He pleaded no contest yesterday and will face sentencing in March.

Original reports are here and the followup is here.

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Someone Should Really Name This Johnny Cash Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:41:00 GMT

Two of the most memorable moments in the life of Johnny Cash occurred during the last week of February, one in 1969 and the other in 1932.

Can you guess what they are?

1) Today would've been Cash's 77th birthday. Happy birthday, old soul, wherever you are.

2) On February 24th, 1969, Johnny performed at San Quentin Prison in California, a concert that resulted in his second successful live album in a row and his biggest hit single of all-time, A Boy Named Sue, a novelty song by Shel Silverstein. Inmates were treated to songs by Carl Perkins, the Statler Brothers, the Carter Family, and Johnny, who played with a revolving cast of musicians from those groups, including wife June Carter. He debuted a new song, "San Quentin," which went over so well, he immediately played it again. (Some have speculated that the rapturous reception was "added" to the recording, since the inmates had remained unwilling to support a song attacking the possibly vindictive guards, but then why would Cash play it a second time right away?)

About halfway through the show, Johnny tried out "A Boy Named Sue" on the inmates, who are seen in this video lapping it up, guffawing all the way. Now that's a captive audience.

The song would hit #1 on the country and #2 on the pop charts. Miss you, big guy.

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Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Life in prison for consensual sex with a 16-year-old boy? That's a big WTF.

North Dakota fired another salvo in the war against the morning after pill and other "abortions": they passed a law stating that life begins at conception.

Speaking of conception, it's the reason a big celebrity couple recently broke up...

Hayden Panettiere's relationship with Milo Ventimiglia apparently wasn't strong enough to survive the always-fun pregnancy scare. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup." [The Superficial]

Here's a new way to keep paranoid tabs on your significant other: the Driving Activity Reporter, which tracks, maps, and saves your car's movement history.

Have you heard about the crazy cafeteria occupation at NYU? Two girls decided to take to the streets without their clothes on and Fleshbot has the pictures.

Rihanna has wisely decided to refrain from public comment about Chris Brown. Smart gal.

Two stories left over from earlier this week: the New York Times says women know when men are turned on because the smell of the man's sweat will change.

And, in men, "the part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples' emotions and wishes shut down after looking at [sexy bikini] pictures."

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Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Porn: it's where your tax dollars are going. [KMBC-TV]

A Rod—or that dude Madonna was fucking, depending on what kind-of news you follow—has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. You know, for baseball. [Jossip]

It has been confirmed that Rihanna was the woman Chris Brown assaulted on Saturday, resulting in both of their absences at yesterday's Grammy Awards show. [FadedYouth]

How many times does Jodie Sweetin have to tell you she's no longer a Meth addict? [People]

A 16-year-old prisoner was found in the back of a judge's car. Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as it sounds. [The Macomb Daily]

Dude! The Dalai Lama is Twittering! [Yahoo!]

So is David Lynch! [Twitter]

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

If you were to read only that headline, you would be forgiven for mistaking this tale for one of those "heartwarming" Good Morning America segments about the teens that turn their jewelery hobbies into multimillion-dollar online businesses.

Unfortunately, that's decidedly not the case with this creepy story...

According to a local AP report out of the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area, an eighteen-year-old boy named Anthony Stanci is in cuffs today, charged with "five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, repeated sexual assault of the same child, and making a bomb threat."

And what did he do, except for that last charge, to warrant such a rap? He started a Facebook account and pretended to be a hot teenage girl, then got more than 30 (that is, 30 known) male victims to send him nude photos of themselves. When they did so, he stayed in character and threatened to take the pics to the proper adults-- and/or forward them widely over the internet-- if they did not comply with "her" demands to see the boys have sex with another boy-- Anthony Stanci, as it turns out.

Several of the boys actually went through with it. This went on for several months, until Stanci took things too far-- he concluded this sick sexual game wasn't enough to get back at his high school, so he called in a bomb threat that shut down classes. That's when the cops decided to snoop into sicko boy's background.

The maximum penalty if convicted on all charges is nearly 300 years in prison. [AP]

Stanci is facing a very rough life in prison, regardless of the length of his sentence-- an eighteen-year-old homosexual convicted of raping boys is about the worst imaginable setup for an inmate...

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While You Were Sleeping: Mickey Rourke's Wrestling Career

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:59:00 GMT

This Mom threw such a hardcore kegger for her son and his friends that the cops found the air at her residence was running a .03 alcohol level.

The members of the Atlanta band The Black Lips are lucky to not be rotting in an Indian prison.

The truth about Joaquin Phoenix should have been obvious to everyone: he was in character for a mockumentary by Casey Affleck.

Buy an LCD TV instead of a plasma one, if you care about the environment.

The post office is considering cutting one day of service if its budgetary demands go unmet. It's time Netflix started its own shipping company and took over the world...

The A-Team really is going to be a movie. Boycott all remakes!

Someone should do a 90-minute documentary on what goes on when these cops strike for an hour-and-a-half.

Let's all get jobs at Canon in Japan so we can receive work-sanctioned early release for sex.

And Meryl Streep told Alec Baldwin she'll do 30 Rock, yay!

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Cringeworthy Story of the Day: Inmate Tries to Cut Off His Own Penis With....

Emily Farris — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:09:00 GMT

A convicted murderer in Santa Ana insists that he is "a good person who made some really bad choices." In addition to murdering a Newport Beach couple in order to steal their yacht and slashing another man in a "murder-for-money" scheme, Skylar Deleon tried to cut off his own penis while in prison. You might be thinking, 'but prisoners can't have knives or scissors.' And you're right.

In 2007 a locked-up Deleon tried to cut off his own penis with a razor because he believes "it doesn't belong there."

"As far back as I can remember, I always knew something was not quite right," Deleon said. "It's kind of weird, I mean I like girls, but I also always felt like a girl."

While the story didn't state what kind of razor he used, it pains us to be realistic enough to believe it was probably a single-blade disposable razor, which—to the best of our knowledge/Google searching—is the standard shaving device for inmates.

Deleon probably could have dug a hole to China in the time it would have taken to remove his own penis with a Bic razor, but luckily other inmates alerted deputies who rushed his cell and, uh, nipped the operation in the bud.

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This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:01:00 GMT

As we've already mentioned, Boy George was sentenced to 15 months in prison for having sex with a male escort.

Strangest headline of the week: 'No son, your school can't have that new computer because gay people eat soup'

Stan Lee supports the gays... once more.

Speaking of comic books, was Tintin gay?

The above photo is of Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey about to kiss in-- believe it or not-- the true story of two men who fall in love in prison.

"I Love You, Phillip Morris" is not the only gay-themed movie sweeping Sundance. Next up is "Humpday," a movie about a "bromance" that turns into gay porn, and which has already been sold.

The Reverend Al Sharpton lambasted the Mormon church for supporting California's Proposition 8.

And Dan Savage is going after Rick Warren in the same manner he did with Rick Santorum. Anyone up for some saddleback tonight?

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Sloppy Seconds: Ellen Degeneres is on the Prowl

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Ellen Degeneres is set on finding Anne Hathaway a new boyfriend. Um, can she find us one while she's at it? [People]

Oh! R. Kelly was married? Could have fooled us. [Us]

What did Martha Stewart say when she walked in on some lesbians having sex in prison? [DailyIntel]

We love this new PlanB commercial. Conservatives? Not so much. [AdAge]

Aaaaaaand the guy who lost the Minnesota state Senate seat is suing him. [Radar]

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The Facebook Pages of the Italian Mafia

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:29:00 GMT

We always suspected La Cosa Nostra had infiltrated Facebook from prison but, until now, we haven't had the proof...

Bernardo Provenzano, seen above, also known as The Tractor for "mowing people down," started out as an enforcer in Corleone, Sicily, after the second World War. After whacking his boss, the heat from the cops and other mafioso caused him to go into hiding, where he remained for more than forty years, thanks to rumors of his demise being greatly exaggerated. When he finally turned up, Provenzano was living in a farmhouse outside Corleone, not far from his wife and children. Thanks to having been sentenced in absentia to life in prison, he spends his days reading Dante and, according to this story in today's Telegraph, updating his Facebook profile.

Here's Provenzano's fan page and his regular Facebook profile is linked on this page-- you have to add him as a friend to see the full profile. The same goes for fellow gangster Salvatore "the Beast" Riina, who has a fan page here and a regular profile, linked here. Both men claim thousands of "friends" and fans, who leave comments like "fuck the government" and "we love you, you're great." Provenzano has a page in which supporters petition for his canonization-- even if you love the Mob, you still have to wonder what these people did to deserve sainthood. (Contrary to other news reports, the Facebook profiles for Messina Denaro, the current "boss of bosses," all appear to be fakes.)

Meanwhile, Mafia Wars is the most popular new Facebook application...

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Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Here's your dumb criminals of the month: not only were they caught preparing for the robbery, chased out of the targeted store by a woman with a flyswatter, but after being tackled by a random security guard who was on to them before they even put on their "masks," one of them realized his Mom was one of the gawking bystanders.

The weirdness continues below...

1) Herman Sakaria, a local security guard, was heading toward his car when he noticed two sixteen-year-old males covering over their license plate. Sensing something was up, he lurked in the shadows and watched as the youths put plastic bags over their faces (!) and pulled out steak knives.

2) The youths ran into a store and demanded cash. For some reason, Stuff.co.nz's version of the story insists upon describing the store's proprietors as a "a Korean man and woman" (while, at the same time, ignoring the ethnicities of the culprits and their captor, depicted above in a censored photo taken by an onlooker.)

3) The shopkeepers chased the kids out without using a weapon, apparently, although the woman did beat one of the kids with... a flyswatter. Meanwhile, Sakaria was waiting for the robbers and tackled them as they left the premises.

4) Sakaria held the boys down until police arrived (in America, the story would've gone: "he eventually was forced to release the boys after twenty minutes because the police hadn't respond to the 9-1-1 call, assuming someone had dialed it at all.") While one of the boys was moaning and groaning under the guard's knee, he looked up and noticed a woman walking by. "Oh shit," he said, "There's my mum."

5) The boys could received up to 14 years in prison apiece.

Coda) The bizarrely-written story concludes:

"Police say the incident is a reminder for Rodney residents to batten down the hatches during the Christmas and holiday period to divert potential robberies and burglaries."

A reminder based on what? This incident, which closer to theater than crime, is a reminder that someone might burglarize our apartments? Whatever you say, coppers...

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Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:52:00 GMT

When she was admitted to the hospital, one Australian girl was described by a doctor as "the sickest girl I've ever seen" and was running a temperature of 42 degrees Celsius. (For those of you keeping score in crazy America land, that would be about 107 degrees Fahrenheit.) Her mouth was peeling, black, and she could barely breathe thanks to her throat being stuffed with pills.

Now that she's confined to a wheelchair and suffering from brain damage, the eleven-year-old girl's father is off to six months in prison. But what is his crime?

According to various sources, it's not stuffing the pills down her throat or even waiting so long to take her to a doctor. It's the fact that he used alternative medicine-- in the form of widely discredited supplements called Mannatech, which aren't even supposed to treat anything. They're basically vitamins, according to the product's official website, which notes the pill is designed to optimize "skin, weight [loss], physical fitness and general health." When the girl's mother learned of her ex-husband's drug of choice, she decided not to intervene, lest he attempt to take away her custody.

Dad's lack of understanding of basic medicine, however, does not explain why he didn't take her to the hospital when her condition grew grave. The media is forgetting that it isn't the alternative medicine that's the biggest culprit here-- it's the parents' neglect. And before you say it's all Daddy's fault (he is mostly to blame, to be sure), let's not forget Mom worrying more about what's best for her and not gambling a bit of future paternity to intervene with, say, the police.

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Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Emily Farris — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:41:00 GMT

The nearly naked girl Michael Phelps has been spotted with his not his girlfriend. Mmmkay? [Us]

Another one (of our potential future husbands) bites the dust. Sam Talbot, ~~winner~~ runner up from Season 2 of Top Chef got married in a secret ceremony last month, further increasing my chances of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. [People]

If you're selling pictures you took of Amy Winehouse smoking crack, it's possible you were also smoking (or selling) crack and might go to jail. [Radar]

What does Harvey Weinstein have to say about yesterday's Golden Globe nominations? [Vulture]

Just in time for us to go all batshit on it, Facebook is now totally legit! Donald Graham, chairman and chief executive of the Washington Post Co, has agreed to join the board of directors. [Yahoo!]

Kanye West is looking for an internship. No, not an intern, an internship. [FadedYouth]

White House officials turned down Barack Obama's request to move into The Blair House—where incoming presidents usually stay before inauguration—early so that his daughters, Sasha and Malia could start school on time. We hear the Red Roof Inn is really nice, though. [NYT]

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Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:46:00 GMT

Have you heard about the insanity that's going on in Atlantic City?

And no, we don't mean the usual drug-related shootings, OD'ing schoolkids, or half a dozen brothels being raided. We're talking about the City Council corruption scandal, which is finally over, having exposed ministers getting blow jobs from prostitutes, backroom deals, and entire families going down in an amusing public bonfire...

Here are the facts:

A Baptist minister was secretly filmed getting a blow job on a hotel room's hidden camera (which was inside a clock radio, creepily enough.) It turned out the minister was City Council member Eugene Robinson and it quickly became apparent that he was being set up for blackmail by the Council's President, Craig Calloway, who apparently didn't have enough power at #1. Even more strange: Calloway was busted by a DJ who received a copy of the tape from a man wearing something of a Mr. Potato Head getup: ridiculous glasses, fake facial hair, and protective gloves.

Now Calloway has been convicted of corruption and a conspiracy that involved two of his brothers, and will serve three years in a Federal prison. Meanwhile, the city is suffering financially as even casinos can't make a profit in these trying times. It also doesn't help that the most recent ex-mayor of A.C. famously went AWOL last year, resurfacing only to admit to a painkiller addiction and resigning.

In other words, if you miss the 70's Las Vegas and its pre-legalized prostitution underworld, buses leave for Atlantic City leave every 15 minutes from New York's Port Authority...

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Sloppy Seconds: Divorce for Amy Winehouse?

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:57:00 GMT

Be sure to go outside tonight. And then look up: A slender crescent moon, just 15-percent illuminated, will appear in very close proximity to the two brightest planets in our sky, Venus and Jupiter. Pretty! [Yahoo!]

This article, exploring the best age for sex, rubs our inner fuddy-duddy the wrong way: "And here's another bombshell the survey uncovered with which Mr Hefner might concur: ditching your long-term partner for someone new when you turn 40 is said to guarantee that you'll cash in on the sexual revolution. In other words, by getting a new brawn when you're about to experience a mid-life crisis means you'll be happier in the sack than you ever were before." [Sydney Morning Herald]

Is 30 Rock completely out of good guest stars? Let's let Larry King be the judge of that. [Vulture]

Y'all: Britney Spears' family didn't fuck her up. Her break-up with Justin Timberlake did. [Us]

Yes, Virginia, there is a liberal media. And yeah, it may have favored Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Blake Fielder Civil, otherwise known as Blake Incarcerated or Mr. Amy Winehouse, thinks it might be time to let his lady love go. You know, for her own good. [People]

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