Scanner : pornography

Oldest Piece of Art Determined to Be Pornographic

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:22:00 GMT

Archeologists may have found the oldest piece of "art" in existence: A sculpture of Venus de Milo dating back 35,000 years ago. That's approximately 5,000 years before the next Venus knockoffs! So what were the standards for a perfect woman back in the day?

The short, squat torso is dominated by oversize breasts and broad buttocks. The split between the two halves of the buttocks is deep and continuous without interruption to the front of the figurine. A greatly enlarged vulva emphasizes the “deliberate exaggeration” of the figurine’s sexual characteristics, Dr. Conard said.
(...)By modern standards, he said, the figurine’s blatant sexuality “could be seen as bordering on the pornographic.”

Luckily, artistic cavepeople weren't hindered by the Moral Majority Coalition telling them that their statues were sexually deviant pieces of trash.

(Via)

Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

Dog Sh*t Art Piece Floats Away, Lands In Children's Home

Give a Steamy Goodbye to CraigsList's Erotic Services

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:39:00 GMT

We didn't think it was really going to happen, but the Powers that Be at CraigsList have folded under pressure to remove "erotic services" from the site.

In place of "erotic services" will be a new category called “adult services," which the site's employees will vet for activity that violates CraigsList's terms of service. Each posting will cost $10, with a $5 reposting fee. While this may satiate some state's officials, who have been urging the site to close the section since the CraigsList Murder last month, New York's attorney general is calling the concession "half baked."

“Rather than work with this office to prevent further abuses, in the middle of the night, Craigslist took unilateral action which we suspect will prove to be half-baked," Mr. Cuomo said in a statement.

But according to Jim Buckingham, chief executive of Craigslist, legal pressure had nothing to do with the change.

“In striking this new balance we have sought to incorporate important feedback from all the groups that have expressed strongly held views on this subject, including some of the state A.G.s, free speech advocates and legal businesses who are accustomed to being entitled to advertise,” Mr. Buckmaster said.

Perhaps a few good things will come of this, including the fact that San Francisco-based CraigsList is going to have to hire new staff to peruse the ads. Hmm...

[NYT: Craigslist Makes Changes to Sex Ads]

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Erotic Services

Craigslist Erotic Services Aren't Going Anywhere

Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Quickie: Is Free Porn Killing Off The Industry?

Drew Grant — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:44:00 GMT

Playboy is reducing it's frequency in publishing, and throwing tamer parties. Gay titles such as Mandate Playguy, Torso, Honcho, and Inches have gone off to the great porny heaven in the sky. Turns out getting naked for pay isn't as lucrative as it once was (unless you are in Bible college), and just as it goes in the rest of the media, it's because the "Democratic" web has allowed us access to too much free content that we'll no longer consider paying for it. Even celebrities can't make money off their cleavage anymore; not when any anon tipster with a camera can spread your boobs around faster than any porn producer could have on his casting couch. And that's just sad.

Related posts:

Like Wal-Mart for Boobies, Porn.com Now Open for Business

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

X-Rated Industry Can't Keep it Up

Porn Industry Rethinks HD, Putting the "Blue" Into Blu-Ray

Businessman in Japan Giving Porn Voyeurs a Bad Name

Ron Jeremy and Vivid Video Are Out to Destroy YouPorn

Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

The Flavor of Love Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:54:00 GMT

Hoopz, the winner of Flava Flav's fake reality show Flavor of Love on VH-1, is open to all offers of free publicity. We haven't seen or heard from the first-season winner of that show since her 2008 triumph on another VH-1 program, I Love Money. She must be enjoying the $250K prize she took away from that little-seen competition and holing up with her boyfriend, James "Boo" Jackson, a basketball player of minor standing, in Louisville, Tennessee.

Now comes a report (and photo evidence, albeit the teasing, censored kind) that Hoopz has appeared in a sex tape with some dude, presumably Jackson, and that a nefarious character plans to release the footage on DVD any day now...

This twerp, who goes by Mr. ZZee, offered us four horribly-blacked-out photos of a woman resembling Hoopz, who is seen acting out what can only be described as "obvious porn moves." In the video excerpt (also censored), linked below, Hoopz acknowledges the camera, leaving us to wonder: was this staged for private use or, as it seems from the photos, deliberately designed to work as a full-blown porn movie, complete with the various positions seemingly required by all modern grade-Z adult films?

WARNING: Although Mr. ZZZZZZZZZ blacked-out the "naughty bits" in these graphic images, they're still not safe for work...

Here's the link to a 15-second clip-- again, it's almost unwatchable due to black-box blackouts.

Related:

Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape For Sale

Goldie Hawn Keeps Career Alive... with a Nipple Slip?

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Scandal Star Fights Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:34:00 GMT

Bob Dylan has the #1 record in England, making him the oldest musician to ever hold that spot. Although he has had many more top 5 records there than in the United States, it's his first chart-topper since 1970.

Angela Merkel... in her undies?

An eight-year-old girl was finally allowed to divorce her middle-aged husband.

Here's an in-depth look at Masters and Johnson, who may have faked those "gay conversion" studies, as we reported last week.

A look at life under "socialist" European government.

Donna Rice Hughes was half of the sex scandal that doomed Gary Hart's 1988 Presidential campaign. Now, she's back in the spotlight, fighting pornography.

Wanna see someone get waterboarded?

And the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction case drags on.

Related:

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Long Live the New Flesh

New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

While You Were Sleeping: Bartering Sex for Debt Reduction

Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

Is Pornography the New Tobacco?

Colleen Kane — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:00:00 GMT

An article from Stanford's Hoover Institution think tank compares today's widespread acceptance of pornography to the early-1960s' acceptance of cigarette smoking. In the generations since the surgeon general's 1964 "Report on Smoking and Health," smoking has nosedived to become socially stigmatized, and this article in the Policy Review asks if the same might not happen to porn.

These thinkers at Stanford do of course bring up the fact that no one dies from looking at pornography online (other than proably a few mishaps reported here on Scanner) and loads of other factors that frankly we're too lazy to read on this springtime Friday afternoon. But should you be so inclined, it's all here in Is Pornography the New Tobacco?

College Students in Maryland Barred From Ever Seeing Porn

How The World Watches Porn Now

Read Porn In Public

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:49:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: You know that old trick where you'd be reading a comic book in class, and put it in your math book so "no-one" would know what you were doing? Time to take it to the next level:

Read more...

While You Were Sleeping: The Accidental Porn Screening

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:57:00 GMT

Another day and another story indicating Al Franken is closer than ever to becoming Senator from Minnesota... five months after his election.

The pedestrian who died of a heart attack during the G20 protest in England is seen in a video just moments before his death being assaulted by police for the crime of not walking away fast enough.

Tommy Lee's porn-star-loving pilot had his license officially revoked after the Judge saw that blow job video...

Costa Rican police are investigating allegations made by the paparazzi that they were chased away from the Gisele Bundchen-Tom Brady wedding by gunfire.

David Allen Grier was voting off that dancing show about B-list stars getting their big break.

Fidel Castro asked how he can help Barack Obama's Presidency.

Meanwhile, Kal Penn has been hired by the Barack Obama Presidency.

A substitute teacher accidentally showed the regular teacher's porn tape during a geography class.

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

We have never known the Irish to be prudish or disapproving about sex (and have certainly not been affected personally by it) but get this: some guy in Ireland has been trying to register the domain names "porn.ie" and "pornography.ie" for four years and his application keeps getting denied. The reason the Irish Domain Registry (IEDR) gives him is "the proposed domain name must not be offensive or contrary to public policy or generally accepted principles of morality."

Right. Because there is nothing offensive on the Internet.

Anyway, the domain registry organization has no say over the content of the domains, just the names of them. So what they're declaring offensive here are two synonymous nouns. Your man tested this by registering "orn.ie" and then providing pornographic content at "p.orn.ie," which was not deemed objectionable by the IEDR.

The pornographer in question thought it was so absurd that those words were deemed offensive that he took the IEDR to court.

At first, the IEDR denied any knowledge of these domain names being refused. When proof was produced, they responded with mentions of child pornography, but generally didn't seem interested in discussing the matter. Nonetheless, the pornographer lost the case.

They found that the words "pornography" and "porn" were not in themselves offensive, however:

Both Parties recognise that the Respondent is a body carrying out functions of a public nature, and is the only body that administers the public resource that is the .ie Internet domain. It would appear therefore that there is no other candidate for the role of arbiter of public policy in respect of the .ie domain space except the Respondent itself.

For reasons given above, in the absence of any other source of public policy and while the logic may appear cyclical, the public policy that this tribunal must apply is the policy of the Respondent. It would not be appropriate for this Appeal tribunal to take upon itself the role of arbiter of public policy.

It follows that this tribunal must also conclude that the registration of either or would be contrary to the public policy governing the .ie domain space as found in the Respondent’s policies.

In short, the IEDR are the law when it comes to domain names, and what they say goes. The denied pornographer ends his posting on sex.ie (which apparently is OK with the IEDR) with this: "Who says Catholic Ireland is dead?"

Related:

Porn Poll: How Do You Like Your Porn?

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Today in WTF: PG Porn

College Students in Maryland Barred From Ever Seeing Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:15:00 GMT

Right-wing politicians, who only seem to care about freedom when it involves grandstanding patriotism or a shot at an NRA endorsement, will do whatever it takes to stop pornography from being shown to anyone, including adults.

So, we're not the least bit surprised that Republican State Senator Andrew Harris in Baltimore County threatened to basically destroy the University of Maryland if he did not get his way on a screening of "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge." Harris put forward an amendment that said any state school showing porn would lose its funding. Basically, this would've ended the university's $424 million deal if they were to carry on with this weekend's screening, which was almost sold out. Of course, Harris didn't say how he was prove in a court of law that something was "pornography"-- perhaps the "I know it when I see it" argument?

By the way, the school wasn't even hosting the event-- the student union was... and they were paying for it through ticket sales... so none of the state funding was even involved.

According to the Washington Post, there was an amusing twist in the debate:

While another senator was pressing Harris about why his amendment did not apply to double-X or single-X films, Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller Jr. (D-Calvert) noticed that a group of third-graders had arrived to watch the action from the Senate gallery.

"Can we move to another amendment?" Miller said. And then: "We welcome the students from Plum Point Elementary School."

As debate on the other issue wrapped up, he told the children: "We're waiting for you to leave the room. We've got to talk about bad stuff."

Later, another senator was citing research that pornography makes men more angry at women who flirt but refuse to have sex. A group from Hollywood Elementary School in St. Mary's County then arrived. [Washington Post]

Representatives from the University, at that point, announced they were canceling the screening. We want to be mad at them, but pornography is not exactly high on our list of "free speech vehicles to defend to the death..."

P.S. Check out a censored Keira Knightley-Pirates-inspired porn comic here.

Is Our Children Learning About Internet Porn?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:21:00 GMT

The Sun, like the rest of us here in the world of serious journalism, has been unable to find anything interesting to talk about from this weekend's wire reports. So, instead, it decided to make up a crisis: "Internet Porn is Ruining Our Childrens' Futures, By God!"

Normally, we see this kind of idiotic rant on a daily basis and pass it by without even consciously registering that we've seen it. However, we're quite glad to have seen The Sun's disastrously funny take on the state of British teenagers... and we haven't even made it halfway yet...

A GENERATION of teens are growing up thinking they should behave like PORN STARS.

You gotta love the Sun for these opening lines. The combination of bold text and random ALL CAPS gives their leads the feel of a CRAZY-ASS New York City SUBWAY BUM POET'S handmade rant signs. ("WoRDSworth isn't worth SHIT. read ThiS!")

It leads to them having unsafe sex, boob jobs and Hollywood waxes. Girls as young as 14 and 15 are even stripping on webcams and sending pictures to boyfriends — who think writhing in front of a lens is the norm.

Oh, now they're called Hollywood waxes? Do you think-- I mean, really-- that girls are getting their pubic hair waxed because Jenna Haze gets it done? Right here, you know this Sun writer is just making this all up 10 minutes before her deadline.

Nearly nine out of ten youngsters aged 14 to 17 have seen porn and nearly one in five are viewing it more than once a week.

Look, Sun writer, I have a confession to make. When I was 14, I saw porn more than once a week. Every single guy I knew saw porn at least as much as I did-- it's called "stealing Playboy's from your uncle when he's drunk." And not one of the guys I knew ever got laid until they were at least 18. At least.

Sixty three per cent of teens surveyed say they do not discuss sex openly at home, while 77 per cent of those who watch porn say their parents are unaware they do it.

This may be the part that blows our minds the most. 77% of teens have been able to keep their porn addiction a secret? Meaning nearly a quarter of British parents are letting their kids get away with it? Wow... those are some cool parents.

You can read the rest of this nonsense here.

Octomom: the Reality Series (Plus Porn Stars)

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 19:56:00 GMT

Octomom is so last month, but she does still exist, as does her sideshow of offspring, and she is still getting offers, so here is the latest.

Vivid, who made Nadya Suleman the first offer to do porn, have concocted another offer: a reality series conveniently featuring Vivid girls. So just how will these porn stars be worked into the series?

Why, they'll be sexy nurses. Of course they will. (Actually they would be nannies, but close enough.)

"Our girls love babies and our very nurturing," wrote Vivid co-chair Steven Hirsch in a letter to Nadya pitching the series. "They are very excited about the prospect of meeting you and the babies and even offering you tips on how to improve your love life."

He's still offering her a million bucks plus health insurance for the babies, and this time he's adding to the pot a custom bus big enough for the whole family.

We're still not sure where this series would fall on the scale of "must-see train wrecks" to "civilzation is definitely collapsing before our eyes." Would you watch Crazy Baby Lady, the series?

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen's Wrecking Ball Rolls On

Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Italian Porn Star Strips at the Milan Stock Exchange

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Man, porn stars are all over the media today. Just head back to the homepage and scroll down-- even Kim Kardashian makes an appearance!

22-year-old Sicilian actress Laura Perego trumps them all-- "walked into the stock market in a black coat which she took off to reveal her body painted in the colours of the Italian flag, naked apart for some tiny underwear," according to the Associated Press.

She accused the government of incompetence in its financial dealings and of leaving Italians with nothing but their underwear after taxes are taken out. Man, this is the spokesperson Michael Steele has been dying for. Fox News is sure to interview her any day now.

Of course, the "family values" motto the Republicans stand behind doesn't really jibe with these pics:

Related:

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Today in Architectural Porn: The Sex Bookshelf

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Kim Kardashian Bares All In Russian Playboy

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate was an unqualified disaster. Not only did voters flee from the novel idea of a female vice President (at least-- this potential female vice president), but they abandoned the Republican Party in greater numbers than ever.

Since the election, Sarah Palin's continued quest for the spotlight has further doomed the Party's chances for taking the White House. There was that whole incident with the turkey and the reenactment of that scene from Fargo. There is that whole string of ethics scandals. And, at last, the Bristol-Levi shotgun wedding sham was finally given up, since the voters no longer cared if the kids "did the right thing."

About the only successful enterprise involving Sarah Palin seems to be Naylin' Paylin, the Hustler-sponsored porn film. Now, Larry Flynt and company are shooting a sequel, which promises to keep Palin in the public eye for a lot longer... if only in the eyes of bugging-out pervs...

From Fleshbot (and via AVN):

Hustler cashed in on the election hype with a quickie follow-up called Obama's Nailin' Paylin, featuring a bonus scene with Guy DiSilva as President Obama.
Why another Palin movie now?
"We'll keep doing it as long as we can get away with it," said Hustler exec Jeff Thill.

Lisa Ann, a.k.a. "Serra Paylin" (why bother to change the spelling at all when the name is pronounced the same way?) is on a strip club tour that stops in Hardeeville, South Carolina next month and other locations TBA. Meanwhile, Hustler is gearing up for Hollywood's Nailin' Paylin, a semi-sequel to their smash of last year.

We're guessing the plot involves Paylin going to Hollywood to seduce rich megastars (of the porn world) in the hopes they will back yet another one of her doomed bids for higher office. Wait, sorry-- did we say plot? It's probably just going to be a whole lotta this:

Related:

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:12:00 GMT

When PG Porn first appeared last year, we attacked it for being just as vulgar and idiotic as the adult films it portended to spoof.

After several consecutive successful viral vids, director/creator James Gunn has finally hit his stride with this: The Bang Bus parody. The inclusion of comic masterminds Craig Robinson and-- gulp-- Bree Olsen can't hurt either.

Check out PG-Porn: Special Ass-sistance (har har) here:

PG PORN: Helpful Bus

PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Today in WTF: PG Porn

Ask a Porn Star a Bunch of Weird Sex Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:38:00 GMT

Are you guys fans of "Ask a Porn Star," the mainstray of the San Francisco Bay Guardian's blog? Sex SF, the sex-positive web corner for the Guardian, has been running these strange interviews for ages, but we've ignored the majority of them until now.

This week, blogger and promising young porn star Stephen Boyer answers your our the interviewer's burning questions about Viagra, boring porn sex, trannies, and getting a foot shoved up your bum...

I tried to do a scene with a trans-woman once and she couldn’t get it up. Then she started to complain that she was sick. After that, she started having all of these negative body issues and eventually broke into tears. A few minutes later, she was saying she wanted to leave the porn world once and for all.
One of the boys had just turned 18 and had recently run away from home because his parents were really conservative. He was struggling to pay rent so he got into porn. The “Survivor” thing was his first shoot and the director wanted him to bottom, but not just for anyone; the director specifically made him bottom for a guy with a 12-inch dick that was also really thick. When the boy’s scene finally came up, everyone was watching because no one believed he could take it. But he did.

We've spared you the next sentence, which involves a serious amount of blood and other gross descriptions. Here are a few other highlights from the life of the budding adult film star:

I have used Viagra before but it isn’t something I practice and do regularly because I don’t need it.
[Does his butthole return to normal after having a foot inside it?] For the most part, yes, it does. But I don’t have anal sex that much, especially after a rigorous scene like that. The first hour or two after the scene, I felt like I couldn’t hold my stomach in, but after a good night’s sleep everything began to close back up. Now, it’s like, I shart but not any more than a normal person. Sharting is still a rare occurrence in my life, if that’s what you’re wondering.

We weren't, but if you're intrigued, you can read the rest of this unusual interview here.

Related:

From the Annals of Boobs...

"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

X-Rated Industry Can't Keep it Up

Women vs. Sexy Sex Ads

Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:32:00 GMT

Yesterday we learned that Ocotmom Nadya Suleman has been offered a stint in porn. Today, coming from the camp of reason and sanity, is the counter-offer for her to please not do porn.

And believe it or not, that counter-offer is coming from the producers of such cinematic masterpieces as MILF Seekers and Desperate MILFS and Housewives.

Kim Kysar, manager of Pink Visual, wrote Ocotmom a letter offering her a year's worth of free diapers--and "not bargain basement diapers," they're offering eco-friendly cloth diapers!-- if she declines the existing million-dollar porno offer from Vivid.

"This might sound strange coming from the head of a porn studio," she wrote, "but there's a great deal of stigma attached to being a porn star. It's not something a mother should take lightly, as this decision will most assuredly affect the lives of your children, and not in a positive way."

We think Octomom already took care of that "affecting the children in a negative way" part herself.

Read the whole letter here.

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

via AVN

Porn Flow Chart Tells Us What We Already Know

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:56:00 GMT

We don't watch very much porn. Or should we say we don't watch enough porn? Either way, we've seen enough clips to know our way around this porn flow chart. Have you?

Full chart after the jump.

Related:

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

"Star Wars" Retold by Someone Who Hasn't Seen it Sounds About Right to Us

[Via Holy Taco]

(Thanks, Little Bill!)

Woman Is Shocked To Discover That Porn Is Disgusting

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:38:00 GMT

We couldn't resist having a laugh at the expense of Mimi Balfour, a Toronto mom who was "shocked" to discover that porn, even those films supposedly geared toward women, were "poorly art directed, poorly shot, it wasn't sexy or intelligent and the guys weren't that attractive."

(Sounds like a spot-on review of most Hollywood movies supposedly geared toward women.)

But Balfour wasn't going to take this lying down. She decided she'd make her own porno, entitled Man of My Dreams...

The Financial Post describes the film as

a collection of fantasy scenarios written, produced and directed by Ms. Balfour, under Cleopatra Productions, is the result of five years of pondering and research, including focus groups with women.

Five years to make a softcore porn movie? Geez, Cinemax used to crank those out every Thursday. And, at a profit, which a five-year-long porn project is unlikely to make...

Each scene is accompanied by music and can be watched in "learning mode," which includes popup fun facts about sex. For example, did you know that orgasms can boost your immune system? Or that a teenage boy's erection can last an hour?

Words cannot begin to describe our shock after having confronted those words.

The scenes are soft but steamy, with enough nudity and variations on subtly simulated sex. Compared with conventional pornography, Man of My Dreams has a clean, bright, cheeky and vaguely wholesome aesthetic.

"My children know that Mummy's making a sexy movie," she says.

Via the Financial Post.

Related:

ABC News Finally Figures Out That the Internet is for Porn

Teen Boy and His Friends Busted for Sending Nude Photos

Mickey Rourke Enjoys the Flasher Groupies in France

Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama Drops the F-Bomb

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Christian Bale is really sorry for his "inexcusable" tirade on the Terminator Salvation set. [People]

Bob Guccione, Jr. thinks there's no danger in porn any more ("It's such a drag now to get sent a link of people eating each other."). But he thinks we can get that danger and erotocism back through art! [BigThink]

We generally don't like celebrity memoirs, but we'll probably read Patrick Swayze's just because we want to hear the story about how Johnny and Baby didn't really like each other off camera. [Yahoo!]

Bret Michaels would totally put a baby in Jennifer Aniston. [Us]

Apparently Eliot Spitzer's sexy time with prostitutes wasn't so sexy after all. In fact, he sounds like he was an asshole in the sack. According to Kristin Davis he...

• was "good for a call at least once a week" from 2004 to 2006
• meant "thousands of dollars of steady income for me and my ladies"
• "was getting rough and too aggressive with the girls — repeatedly pressuring them to do things they didn't want to do"
• "tended to obsess about a girl, would want to see her every day and was pushy and whiny with her"
• "didn't want to use a condom, and "he'd be a real weasel about it, too" [DailyIntel]

Want to hear Barack Obama say "ignorant mother fuckers?" Then click here. Context here.

[Image]

Ron Jeremy On Sex, His Grandma, and Why Porn Was Better in the 80s

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Ron Jeremy may have officially passed John Holmes as the greatest and most famous male porn star in history. If Time Magazine is catching on to the cultural phenomenon that is hipster Ron J worship, then maybe it's time to crown him...

Here are excerpts from the epic and exciting tale of one Ron Hyatt, some waiter dude from Queens who worked in the Catskills and has always had the world's worst mustache. Apparently, he has been in an adult film or two, and got his start by taking daguerreotypes of his wang and sending them to Playgirl by intercontinental pony express, which may have been illegal.

[When] people looked up R. Hyatt in Queens... they were getting my grandmother, Rose Hyatt, who lived downstairs. My poor grandmother was being woken up night and day, mostly by guys. Playgirl likes to think that their audience is mostly women, but no, no, the majority is gay. My poor grandma had to move.
I wasn't getting the liftoff as quickly as they did. It was embarrassing. It's funny because now, years later when I am not taking Viagra and the other guy does, I am still slow to the punch.
We were up in the Catskills, and I had a very good sex life, to the point where when I was once late to dinner and told the maitre d' I was with a girl. He said, and I remember his exact words, "Anybody else I would forgive but with you it's like brushing your teeth. You're late; you're being docked pay."
I just loved acting, doing dialogue. All my friends were still doing theater off-off-Broadway and I was doing film. Yes it's porn, but it still goes into theaters. They still had acting back then. They had big scripts. There were no videos back then, no DVDs, no Internet. I came at a time they called the Golden '80s.
Most of them had been to college. Some have come from broken homes, some from abusive homes. What I tell kids when I lecture in colleges is that porn is largely a microcosm of Hollywood itself. There were kids who wanted to do something goofy and crazy. Some were actors who wanted to go for an acting career, like me, and settled for this...
I just did [a porno] a few days ago, a benefit for a great New York director who has serious colon cancer. We all did a free porn film. I did a sex thing with a sweet girl named Candy, she's actually here because we did a scene and she is staying over. (Giggling in the background.)

Here's the rest.

Related:

Porn Star For Senate

Krasinski and Fischer Sadly Opted Out of "The Office" Porn

In the Blink of a Young Girl's Eye: The Glory Days of Porn Posters

Porn Star For Senate

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:40:00 GMT

David Vitter, the Republican Senator from Louisiana, is still dogged by revelations he had sex with prostitutes and dressed in adult diapers to get himself off. He faces an uncertain battle for re-election in this solidly red state, mainly thanks to a low public approval rating.

One possible challenger: porn star Stormy Daniels...

Her website includes these extremely relevant biographical notes:

In 2004, Stormy’s trailblazing career continued as she became a director for Wicked Pictures and, utilizing her natural writing talents, began penning original screenplays. She has since won numerous awards for her writing, directing, and acting. Stormy’s groundbreaking success in the adult entertainment industry transcended into mainstream entertainment as well. She has appeared in a variety of films, including the 2005 comedy The 40-Year-Old Virgin, starring famed comedian Steve Carell.

In other words, she's probably more qualified than David Vitter to represent the seedy and corrupt state of Louisiana.

It's The Economy, Sexy

Stormy understands the double edge sword of 21^st century technology in a global market environment. And she understands that protecting individual enterprise and production in an info-tech economy is one of the biggest challenges we face in our quest to rescue the free market.
Challenging times call for new perspectives. Stormy Daniels will infuse Congress with the entrepreneurial experience and inspiration needed to meet these challenges with confidence. [Draft Stormy Daniels]

Stormy hasn't even authorized this website about her, so who knows how serious this is. And while this is likely total bullshit, Daniels wouldn't be the first (or even second or third) porn star to run for public office...

Via Draft Stormy For US Senate.

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Tucson Gets the Shaft-- Literally-- During the Super Bowl

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:53:00 GMT

Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only were Arizona Cardinals fans distraught over the last minute victory of their rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, they also had to contend with a sudden interruption in Comcast's service right after the big touchdown.

But it's not the interruption itself that had people so pissed off-- it's what they interrupted the game for...

Just after the Cardinals scored their go-ahead touchdown, Comcast subscribers in the Tucson area had a moment that makes us forget all about boring ol' Nipplegate. Check it out:

Then all of a sudden, the screen freezes up... and this is what we see:

This porn movie features a big dick that's taking forever to come out of this star's pants. We'll spare you the peen, which flops around on screen...

Top Photo: Barton Silverman/NY Times.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

As it does for every cultural phenomenon, the adult film industry has created a XXX spoof the NBC sitcom The Office...

We're not even sure this trailer of the parody film is really NSFW. In fact: there's only one flash of boob, and it's a covered one. Here's hoping the actual film lives up to its promises... now who'll be the first to mail us a review copy?

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In the Blink of a Young Girl's Eye: The Glory Days of Porn Posters

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 21:34:00 GMT

"Well, there was a girl, she lived up the block... back in school, she gave all the boys head..."

Okay, that's not how the song goes, but we're just trying to keep the Springsteen flowing on today, the release of his new record, which has absolutely nothing to do with this post. It's been a very slow news day, so here's an assortment of amazing and hilarious porn posters you can use as your next PostSecret submissions:

Hmm, everything, you say? What about "fart porn?"

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Horat: The Borat Sexy Sex Movie Film Spoof

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:16:00 GMT

Shaving Ryan's Privates. White Men Can't Hump. Jurassic Pork. Hannah Does Her Sisters. And our favorite, The Sperminator.

Add to these great porn movie titles Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan...

The above photos are screenshots from the new, XXX-rated Borat spoof from a group of pornographers whom we're pretty sure have never seen the Sacha Baron Cohen film. Check out their haphazard attempt to amuse us with Kazahkspeak:

My names is Horat. I video reporter from beautiful nation of Kaksuckistan. My country's ministry of health sent me to U.S.of A to learn about western sex culture. In Kaksuckistan, making sexual relations is very the different than in AMERICA. For one, is very common to loose virginity with your own sister or brother. If you do not have sister or brother, you use family livestock instead- usually sheep or goat. [We're rolling in the aisles already.]

I have documented my travels and sexual learnings with video crew from KAKSUCKISTAN. We are very thankfuls to the great people of U.S.of A who take their time to learn us about sex.

Yawn. Let's go to the video evidence. For those of you at work, check our favorite moments from the trailer, which are, well, also NSFW:

Wha?

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Craziest Town Meeting Ever Involves Porn, Sexual Harassment, Vehicular Homicide

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:15:00 GMT

When Anthony Troiano went into a meeting with fellow town selectmen in Hopkinton, MA, he thought maybe they would want to discuss that time he killed somebody, had his license suspended, and was arrested.

As it turns out, Troiano had bigger problems, as the local paper (The Metro West Daily News) breaks it down for us:

1) Troiano has been busted at least twice: once, for committing vehicular homicide (for which he's already been convicted) and for driving with a revoked license five days after having the license taken away in September.

2) Troiano's political enemies looked for other mistakes to help their case to oust him. One turned up a visit to a porn site Troiano had made while using a town-owned laptop in the privacy of Troiano's home. Troiano admitted to going to the site, but came up with a vague excuse involving spam e-mails that caused him to visit it in the first place.

3) Unsure the board would expel their rival, Troiano's opponents then appear to have tried another tactic. One anonymous member filed a claim that their co-worker's visit to a porn site while on a network they all shared amounted to sexual harassment. ("Troiano had created a hostile work environment by using a town computer to look at porn.")

Troiano was booted unanimously, although one board member-- clearly the only one with half a brain here-- abstained from voting, saying it should not become a public matter and could unfairly damage the man's reputation. Too late-- it's now all over the national news and blogosphere, thanks to the October meeting's notes being made public.

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The Porno Oscars

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The Porno Oscars

Scanner Matt — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 18:07:00 GMT

With the 26th Annual AVN Adult Movie Awards just around the corner, we thought we'd share with you some of the nominations.

Our favorite part about this national porn party (there's also a convention) set for Las Vegas is how the scheduling always coincides with the International Consumer Electronics Show (CES). Cause who's a better skin flick aficianado than a lonely techie nerd?

So with nomination categories as mundane sounding as Best Sex Comedy, as expected as Best Oral Sex Scene and as possibly well-meaning but grossly outdated as Best Interracial Release here are a few of our favorites that make us laugh and cry a little for all of humanity:

Clever Title of the Year

America’s Next Top Tranny, Goodfellas/Devil’s Film
Bareback Mount Him, Combat Zone
Charlie Wilson’s Whore, Back End Productions
Daddy! Please Stop Fucking My Friends!, Hustler Video
Get That Black Pussy, You Big Dick White Bastard Mutha Fucka, Powersville/JM
Granny Is Fucking Grampa’s Fanny, X-Traordinary/Legend
Hairy Movie, Zero Tolerance Entertainment
I Was 18 50 Years Ago, White Ghetto Films
Leave It in Her Beaver, Platinum Media
Love Squirts, Adam & Eve Pictures
My Daughter Went Black and Never Came Back, Dirty Laundry/Juicy
Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom!, Chatsworth/JM
Sasha Grey’s Anatomy, Teravision/Vivid
Show Me Where It Squirts, XCartel
Strollin’ in the Colon, Hustler Video

Best Big Butt Release

Big Booty White Girls 5, Justin Slayer International
Big Butt Slutz 3, Jazz Duro/Buttman Magazine Choice/Evil Angel
Big Butts Like It Big, Brazzers/Jules Jordan Video
Big Slippery Brazilian Asses 2, Evasive Angles Entertainment
Big Wet Asses 13, Elegant Angel Productions
Big White Bubble Butts 3, Exquisite Multimedia
Big White Wet Butts 11, Evasive Angles Entertainment
Bubble Butt Barbeque, Black Ice
Freaks Wit Cheeks, DC Cherry Video
Jet Fuel, John Leslie/Evil Angel
Massive Asses, Elegant Angel Productions
My Baby Got Back 44, Video Team/Metro
Phat Ass White Booty 3, Alexander DeVoe/Jules Jordan Video
Pinky's Tons of Buns 3, Black Market Entertainment
White Booty Worship, Elegant Angel Productions

And here's a recent interview the LA Times conducted with AVN Awards co-host Belladonna.

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[image]

Sloppy Seconds: Pornos Will Save Us All

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

A family decided not to report their adopted son missing... for a decade. Think they had a hand in his disappearance?

Is this officially the end of the Bush era? Jeb has declined to run for Senate in Florida, where he would have been virtually unbeatable.

The Josh Brolin-Jeffrey Wright bar brawl case has been resolved...

Cindy Kemp, spokeswoman for the Shreveport City Court, tells E! News that as long as the actors and five others accept "district attorney's probation" and stay out of further trouble, all misdemeanor counts against the group will be dismissed at their next court date, scheduled for March 11. [Yahoo!]

We're a little worried about a TV talking head getting a post in the Obama administration.

A woman was shot in the face by her roommate in New Orleans for being so stupid as to move in with him. Seriously, there's no motive whatsoever-- she hadn't even moved her stuff in yet.

Fleshbot reports that the Atlantic Monthly believes porn will save the economy. Or something equally ridiculous. [NSFW]

And Sean Penn and Josh Brolin had it out over a drunken exchange of words at the New York Film Critics Awards. We think they were kidding.

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Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:32:00 GMT

Chinese bombshell Zhang Ziyi is a strange creature, according to the world's horniest sex blogs. These blogs, including Fleshbot, gently rib Ziyi for refusing to appear nude in her films (she uses body doubles-- so those Google searches are only turning up fakes, people) but going nude in public and fooling around with her boyfriend on a crowded public beach.

Who cares about the debate, really? We just want to know-- is this guy in love with her butt or what?

These pictures have already caused a stir on the internet, for several reasons: 1) Zhang is about to marry this guy, Vivi Nuevo, an Israeli, which isn't going over well in her homeland; 2) Zhang's nude photos are splashed all over China's websites during a period where the country is cracking down on porn; and 3) well, Time just needed a traffic boost.