Scanner : porn

Give a Steamy Goodbye to CraigsList's Erotic Services

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:39:00 GMT

We didn't think it was really going to happen, but the Powers that Be at CraigsList have folded under pressure to remove "erotic services" from the site.

In place of "erotic services" will be a new category called “adult services," which the site's employees will vet for activity that violates CraigsList's terms of service. Each posting will cost $10, with a $5 reposting fee. While this may satiate some state's officials, who have been urging the site to close the section since the CraigsList Murder last month, New York's attorney general is calling the concession "half baked."

“Rather than work with this office to prevent further abuses, in the middle of the night, Craigslist took unilateral action which we suspect will prove to be half-baked," Mr. Cuomo said in a statement.

But according to Jim Buckingham, chief executive of Craigslist, legal pressure had nothing to do with the change.

“In striking this new balance we have sought to incorporate important feedback from all the groups that have expressed strongly held views on this subject, including some of the state A.G.s, free speech advocates and legal businesses who are accustomed to being entitled to advertise,” Mr. Buckmaster said.

Perhaps a few good things will come of this, including the fact that San Francisco-based CraigsList is going to have to hire new staff to peruse the ads. Hmm...

[NYT: Craigslist Makes Changes to Sex Ads]

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Erotic Services

Craigslist Erotic Services Aren't Going Anywhere

Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Quickie: Is Free Porn Killing Off The Industry?

Drew Grant — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:44:00 GMT

Playboy is reducing it's frequency in publishing, and throwing tamer parties. Gay titles such as Mandate Playguy, Torso, Honcho, and Inches have gone off to the great porny heaven in the sky. Turns out getting naked for pay isn't as lucrative as it once was (unless you are in Bible college), and just as it goes in the rest of the media, it's because the "Democratic" web has allowed us access to too much free content that we'll no longer consider paying for it. Even celebrities can't make money off their cleavage anymore; not when any anon tipster with a camera can spread your boobs around faster than any porn producer could have on his casting couch. And that's just sad.

Related posts:

Like Wal-Mart for Boobies, Porn.com Now Open for Business

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

X-Rated Industry Can't Keep it Up

Porn Industry Rethinks HD, Putting the "Blue" Into Blu-Ray

Businessman in Japan Giving Porn Voyeurs a Bad Name

Ron Jeremy and Vivid Video Are Out to Destroy YouPorn

Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

The Flavor of Love Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:54:00 GMT

Hoopz, the winner of Flava Flav's fake reality show Flavor of Love on VH-1, is open to all offers of free publicity. We haven't seen or heard from the first-season winner of that show since her 2008 triumph on another VH-1 program, I Love Money. She must be enjoying the $250K prize she took away from that little-seen competition and holing up with her boyfriend, James "Boo" Jackson, a basketball player of minor standing, in Louisville, Tennessee.

Now comes a report (and photo evidence, albeit the teasing, censored kind) that Hoopz has appeared in a sex tape with some dude, presumably Jackson, and that a nefarious character plans to release the footage on DVD any day now...

This twerp, who goes by Mr. ZZee, offered us four horribly-blacked-out photos of a woman resembling Hoopz, who is seen acting out what can only be described as "obvious porn moves." In the video excerpt (also censored), linked below, Hoopz acknowledges the camera, leaving us to wonder: was this staged for private use or, as it seems from the photos, deliberately designed to work as a full-blown porn movie, complete with the various positions seemingly required by all modern grade-Z adult films?

WARNING: Although Mr. ZZZZZZZZZ blacked-out the "naughty bits" in these graphic images, they're still not safe for work...

Here's the link to a 15-second clip-- again, it's almost unwatchable due to black-box blackouts.

Related:

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Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape For Sale

Goldie Hawn Keeps Career Alive... with a Nipple Slip?

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 14:11:00 GMT

Everyone's saying Obama brought down the house at the "nerd prom," aka the White House Correspondents Dinner, but really, it was Wanda Sykes who killed. She even landed good terrorism and abstinence jokes.

Ashton Kutcher got punk'd.

Star Trek shocked the movie industry by grossing over $72 million in its opening weekend.

Justin Timberlake brought it back to SNL.

It costs two cents more to mail a letter now, as if you still mail letters.

Mel Gibson may have impregnated his mistress. Yes, the guy who directed The Passion of the Christ.

The 9.6 million dollar text message.

Eminem has gone to war against... Mariah Carey?

Steven Soderbergh and Sasha Grey are on tour promoting their movie and are constantly having to defend porn.

Miss California Offered $1 Million for Porn Film

Drew Grant — Fri, 08 May 2009 22:08:00 GMT

Ever since those nude pics of Miss Homophobic USA Carrie Prejean surfaced, the schadenfreude hard-ons have been inevitable. Yeah, she's gotten what she deserves, right? Except that naked pictures of beauty contestants can be worth good $$$, especially if the women in question (see: Vanessa Williams) turn out legitimate careers. Doubtful though, that Prejean will see much work coming her way after these XXX pics and her reputation as a fag-basher. So we think the offer that Vivid Entertainment has made for Prejean -$1 million for a starring role in one of their titles- is the best gig she's going to get. Excluding of course, those NOM anti-marriage ads.

Think about it: The Octomom was offered approximately the same amount for her birthing video from a porn company. And we hate to say it, but Octomommy is way classier than Prejean (at least she didn't start her career calling homosexuality a "choice"), and that video is way more interesting/niche than just another blond taking off her top. Take the money Carrie, they're all going to laugh at you anyway. We already are.

Related:

Miss California Carrie Prejean Appears In New Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

How To Piss Off Perez Hilton

Miss California Carrie Prejean Nude Pics?

XXX Star Penny Flame Flames Out to Find Herself

Colleen Kane — Wed, 06 May 2009 15:06:00 GMT

Adult film star Penny Flame has quit her porn career to reclaim herself, Jennie Ketchum, and she's documenting the journey on her new blog. After realizing she had a problem with intimacy, she realized she also had a problem with alcohol and drugs. She's now sworn off sex for a year and is in AA. Some of this is documented on the upcoming VH1 reality series Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, but it will all be documented on the blog, Becoming Jennie. It's not a platform to hate on her former career:

Just because I am making changes, does not make me ashamed of the life I’ve led. Just because I no longer wish to perform does not mean I want the entire industry to die, or kick rocks. This has been an amazing career for me, and I would recommend being a pornstar to anyone that can momentarily put aside the need to be intimate, and then pick it back up and go on with life. You can make yourself a little nest egg and live pretty (well you used to be able to but the economic state of the biz is so so). But I’d also recommend they quit the moment they can’t pick that emotion back up, the moment intimate becomes a foreign word. And that is what I am doing now. Putting my career down to figure out what intimate actually means. As it turns out, I never knew.

Sounds like a healthy idea. The blog does contain some of the usual self-help/ L.A. mumbo jumbo, but it also a fascinating window into the mind of a porn star reentering the pedestrian world. How do you meet people now without flirting? Here's her take on this new challenge.

How the fuck am I supposed to approach people if I can’t flirt? If I can’t make a dirty joke or two or four, and if I can’t say the word penis or vagina within 5 minutes of initiating conversation? What the fuck do people talk about anyway? “What’s your sign” just doesn’t seem appropriate. “Can I buy you a drink” doesn’t fly in AA, mostly because the coffee is already free. And “Is that windex in your pants cuz I can see myself in them” will only receive raised eyebrows and uncomfortable laughs. No, I need a new approach method, and I need one quick. So I’ve sat in the meetings over the past week in an awkward state of silence. Which suits the newcomer well.

She's also grateful for her dog's farts and the Mexican men she can pick up easily at Home Depot to help her with her heavy lifting.The explanation for that dog fart business can be found on BecomingJennie.com.

HGTV Star Prevented From Talking To Media Because He's Gay... Or Because He's In Gay Porn?

Christina Ricci Was Born To Be A Porn Sta

My Twitter Friends Are Lies

Drew Grant — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:31:00 GMT

Recently, I've been waking up (at noon) with a slew of people following me on Twitter. Jesus, I'm so popular! Someone, deep within the ether of the Internet, has decided I am "cool" and should have many, many followers. Not quite as many as Ashton or Samantha Ronson, but let's just say that I'm hitting the triple digits these days. Of course, I should have realized something was fishy if I had taken the time to look at these own people's Twitter accounts, but this is the 21st century, and who has time for that anymore? Here's a screen shot of one the homepage one of my new admirers led me to.

Blurgh! What happened to her face?! Do all my Twitter friends have what appears to be a giant cloud of bees swarming their head at all times? Why wouldn't you try to cover yourself up to protect you....oh wait, I get it. Twitter is now being bombarded by really unprofessional spam porn.Well, we knew this day was coming. I just didn't know it would be so terrifying.

The Feminist Porn Awards: Not an Oxymoron

Drew Grant — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:34:00 GMT

God bless Canada. The government there gives out so much grant money for creative projects that you can literally (literally!) make a movie about you and your friends who like to have sex with plushie dolls and receive money from your country for doing so. Haven't these guys ever heard of a recession? Luckily, there are some sexy events happening north of the border that get our blood going, and one of them happens to be last month's Feminist Porn Awards.

No, it's not an oxymoron if you are a feminist to enjoys porn, even if you are a hetero woman who enjoys female sub-porn where guys take control. Because why should we have to feel ashamed about our own special fetishes and kinks? If you're both a strong woman who believes in equal rights, and at night likes to get tied up as a power-bottom, that does not make you a hypocrite. But we're talking about the porn industry here: Something that has for years plagued womankind as the most exploitative form of entertainment using women. Between stories of sleazy producers, naive girls coming to California with bad tans and navel rings, its easy to see why alt-porn has a giant hurdle to overcome before being accepted by the feminist community.

Thank Canada then for the 4th Annual Feminist Porn Awards, which requires these three qualifications to be met before it is shown during the festival:

1) A woman had a hand in the production, writing, direction, etc. of the work; 2) It depicts genuine female pleasure; 3) It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes that are often found in mainstream porn.”

Me? I'll stick to my Youporn and crazy Hentai cartoons. But this movement, with essentially recognizes (if not legitimizes) a market for feminist porn that is not necessarily queer porn (sometimes us girls just want to see a cock in it), is a one small step for women, one giant leap for womankind.

@PornStarTweet : What U Doing L8r?

Drew Grant — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:52:00 GMT

The inevitable has finally become evitable (?) as the microblog tool Twitter lends its services in helping some of the porn industry's macrotools get laid. While you may already know that Ron Jeremy and Alexis Texas engaged in tweets and twats, porn producers Naughty Tweet and Immoral Productions are hoping to take the 140+ character service to the neXXXt level by putting "social" back into "social networking."

So what does a porno based on a Tweet look like?

"We threw the first-ever 'PornStar TweetUp' with PornoDan at Blue Moon Nights last month -- while there someone asked me if people actually were having sex on Twitter -- I responded, ‘That's a lot of pressure in 140 characters.' That led to a spirited conversation about what that would look like and, well, here we are going into production," said Pete Housley, Naughty Tweet CEO. "The movie will be a bit tongue-in-cheek, but we have the award-winning Jim Powers involved so you know it's just gonna kick ass -- but it will stay true to the spirit of the Twitterati and we will only use talent who are active on Twitter and PornStarTweet."

Still, we're a bit muddled here about how a Twitter theme can make for a sexy porno. Are the talent just going to breaking out their Blackberries and iPhones every couple minutes to update viewers on what's going on? "Kelly Divine @Justin Long No shit, your name doesn't do you justice, lol! Queef!" Blurgh. This will be worse than that time Aziz Ansari decided to live-tweet Crank 2.

Related:

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

Twitter Gets Hacked, Or: Exactly How Large Is Britney's Vagina?

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

Sloppy Seconds: Get Gay Married in New Hampshire?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:03:00 GMT

As of this morning, federal officials had confirmed 91 infections of swine flu in 11 states. Time to freak the fuck out, people! [Baltimore Sun]

In her new memoir, Elizabeth Edwards said she vomited after learning of her husband, former democratic presidential candidate John Edwards', affair. [Us]

Liev Schreiber used to resent girlfriend and baby mama Naomi Watts' fame. But he's learned to live with it. [FemaleFirst]

Porn star Joanna Angel talks about how the recession has affected her end of the sex industry. [FlavorWire]

The New Hampshire Senate yesterday voted 13-11 to approve gay marriage. The bill has been sent back to the House for changes and if the bill becomes law, New Hampshire will be the fifth state to allow same-sex marriages. [Boston.com]

Just in time for the first gay American Idol? [Reuters]

[Image]

Is Pornography the New Tobacco?

Colleen Kane — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:00:00 GMT

An article from Stanford's Hoover Institution think tank compares today's widespread acceptance of pornography to the early-1960s' acceptance of cigarette smoking. In the generations since the surgeon general's 1964 "Report on Smoking and Health," smoking has nosedived to become socially stigmatized, and this article in the Policy Review asks if the same might not happen to porn.

These thinkers at Stanford do of course bring up the fact that no one dies from looking at pornography online (other than proably a few mishaps reported here on Scanner) and loads of other factors that frankly we're too lazy to read on this springtime Friday afternoon. But should you be so inclined, it's all here in Is Pornography the New Tobacco?

College Students in Maryland Barred From Ever Seeing Porn

How The World Watches Porn Now

Mother-Daughter Clones To Sign Porn Contract Any Day Now...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:25:00 GMT

The first thing you'll notice about this article is that there is no mention of a husband/father figure in the lives of these two women.

The women in question are Janet and Jane Cunliffe, a mother and daughter pair that look almost nothing alike, even after mom spent 10,000 English pounds on plastic surgery to, as she requested, look more like her child. Why would anyone do that?

The questions that remain with us after viewing this disturbing photo:

1) Isn't it obvious to everyone around them that Mom is desperately trying to be like her daughter (and failing?)

2) What kind of person puts their daughter through this photo shoot for a major publication like the Daily Mail?

3) Which one's the daughter?

'It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she's gorgeous. Who wouldn't want to look like her?

'The way I see it is that she got her looks from me in the first place - mine have just faded with age.

'Seeing how attractive Jane is made me want to get my looks back. Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins. I had good genes and good skin, but I needed a helping hand to make me feel better about myself.'

Certainly Janet wasn't always such a head-turner. Just a few years ago, she was a size 14 redhead and felt, she says, dowdy and unattractive.

Not, she insists, that she was ever vain. [Oh, definitely not now, that's for sure. - Ed.] 'I didn't have time for vanity in my 20s as I was too busy bringing up Jane and her brother, Pete,' she says.

Commenters on various blogs had their own concerns:

I imagine the husband is royally creeped out.

I imagine he is no longer the husband.

-I wonder what it would have cost her to look like someone attractive.

-daughter responds by spending twice that much on psychiatric sessions

-How is this news? These women are EVERYWHERE in Texas.

Via the Daily Mail.

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Read Porn In Public

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:49:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: You know that old trick where you'd be reading a comic book in class, and put it in your math book so "no-one" would know what you were doing? Time to take it to the next level:

Read more...

Freedom of (Stump) Speech Challenged by Anti-Exploitation Bill

Colleen Kane — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:42:00 GMT

A bill in Massachussetts seeks to end the exploitation of the elderly* and disabled in pornography, equating it to child pornography. This was intended to address cases where, say, a mentally disabled person didn't know what was being done to them.

“Obviously with the technology evolving, the crimes committed using that technology have increased. That’s clearly the case,” said Northwestern District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel, and one of the contributors to the bill. “All we’re trying to do with these two pieces of legislation is to protect our two most vulnerable populations.”

But equally as obviously, there's plenty of consensual stuff being made, too. This bill kind of implies that most disabled and old people don't know what's going on. Isn't this rather condescending? Or is it just another anti-pornography legislation?

Cases given in the Boston Herald as examples why this legislation is needed mostly cite abuses committed by caregivers of the elderly or disabled persons involved. Shouldn't, then, the law be directed caregivers, and not the easy target of pornography?

Civil rights attorney Harvey Silverglate calls it unconstitutional.

“It seems to be the latest in a long effort to broaden the definition of obscenity,” Silverglate said. “We’ve already got (laws) against coercion. Why is that not adequate?”

*Pictured: Shigeo Tokuda, king of Japanese elderly porn.

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The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Like Wal-Mart for Boobies, Porn.com Now Open for Business

Ask a Porn Star a Bunch of Weird Sex Questions

While You Were Sleeping: The Accidental Porn Screening

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:57:00 GMT

Another day and another story indicating Al Franken is closer than ever to becoming Senator from Minnesota... five months after his election.

The pedestrian who died of a heart attack during the G20 protest in England is seen in a video just moments before his death being assaulted by police for the crime of not walking away fast enough.

Tommy Lee's porn-star-loving pilot had his license officially revoked after the Judge saw that blow job video...

Costa Rican police are investigating allegations made by the paparazzi that they were chased away from the Gisele Bundchen-Tom Brady wedding by gunfire.

David Allen Grier was voting off that dancing show about B-list stars getting their big break.

Fidel Castro asked how he can help Barack Obama's Presidency.

Meanwhile, Kal Penn has been hired by the Barack Obama Presidency.

A substitute teacher accidentally showed the regular teacher's porn tape during a geography class.

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

We have never known the Irish to be prudish or disapproving about sex (and have certainly not been affected personally by it) but get this: some guy in Ireland has been trying to register the domain names "porn.ie" and "pornography.ie" for four years and his application keeps getting denied. The reason the Irish Domain Registry (IEDR) gives him is "the proposed domain name must not be offensive or contrary to public policy or generally accepted principles of morality."

Right. Because there is nothing offensive on the Internet.

Anyway, the domain registry organization has no say over the content of the domains, just the names of them. So what they're declaring offensive here are two synonymous nouns. Your man tested this by registering "orn.ie" and then providing pornographic content at "p.orn.ie," which was not deemed objectionable by the IEDR.

The pornographer in question thought it was so absurd that those words were deemed offensive that he took the IEDR to court.

At first, the IEDR denied any knowledge of these domain names being refused. When proof was produced, they responded with mentions of child pornography, but generally didn't seem interested in discussing the matter. Nonetheless, the pornographer lost the case.

They found that the words "pornography" and "porn" were not in themselves offensive, however:

Both Parties recognise that the Respondent is a body carrying out functions of a public nature, and is the only body that administers the public resource that is the .ie Internet domain. It would appear therefore that there is no other candidate for the role of arbiter of public policy in respect of the .ie domain space except the Respondent itself.

For reasons given above, in the absence of any other source of public policy and while the logic may appear cyclical, the public policy that this tribunal must apply is the policy of the Respondent. It would not be appropriate for this Appeal tribunal to take upon itself the role of arbiter of public policy.

It follows that this tribunal must also conclude that the registration of either or would be contrary to the public policy governing the .ie domain space as found in the Respondent’s policies.

In short, the IEDR are the law when it comes to domain names, and what they say goes. The denied pornographer ends his posting on sex.ie (which apparently is OK with the IEDR) with this: "Who says Catholic Ireland is dead?"

Related:

Porn Poll: How Do You Like Your Porn?

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Today in WTF: PG Porn

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

How far is too far in the quest for employment? If you're still unemployed, then you haven't gone far enough.

We're glad PETA is using the lovely and highly intelligent Alyssa Milano in their ad, but we kinda wish they had made her show more skin.

Miss Maryland USA 2004 was busted for drugs. No, not for doing drugs... selling drugs.

Friends with benefits relationships account for 60% of college couples.

We're going to put a Dylan bootleg mix CD together for Senator Feingold.

The 2009 Pillow Fight in New York City was held outside the Stock Exchange as some sort of protest.

What exactly was a UK regulator thinking when it fined the Playboy Channel thousands of pounds for broadcasting sexual content? What did everyone think they were going to broadcast?

Vote for the next star of PG Porn.

We already mentioned Levin Johnston on Tyra. What we didn't mention was that he said that the loving couple stayed over at the Governor's house on several occasions and that Sarah Palin "probably knew" her daughter had an active sex life. This woman is the very personification of "fail."

And if Regina Lynn's blocked on Southwest's in-flight wifi, so must we...

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:38:00 GMT

Every guy has a childhood story about finding the nudie mags under their friend's dad's bed. Ours involves raiding our best friend's father's Playboy collection, dating back to the mid-sixties, and going over centerfolds ranging from famous rock groupie Bebe Buell to Vicki Iovine, wife of the great record producer Jimmy Iovine.

But we always got bored with the nude women posing in the same exact way. We ended up digging to the bottom for the Victoria's Secret catalog with Elle MacPherson on the cover. To us, the tease was better than the full monty.

With that in mind, here are Five of our Favorite Sex Scenes Featuring Lingerie...

5. Gia. This first surfaced on the internet entitled "Banned Lingerie Commercial." Yeah, right-- even lingerie commericals aren't this hot. Should this automatically be #1 on any list of anything, including lists that have nothing to do with sex? Yes. Are we too lazy to move it to the bottom of this post? Indeed.

4. Two Days in the Valley. Skip to 0:22 to the part where James Spader finally shuts up when Charlize and her long, long, long legs enter the bedroom... and then they both don't shut up. Ever.

3. Mutual Needs. Is this a porno? Rochelle Swanson's in it, so it must be... but who's complaining? If you have five minutes to kill today, this is how you should spend it.

2. Layer Cake. Skip to 1:30 to build on the hotness. Thinking that this PG-13 movie would be lacking in uncomfortable sex scenes, we decided a Daniel Craig action movie might be a good choice for a post-Thanksgiving dinner. Whoops. Sienna Miller here explains why she is able to hypnotize men into leaving their wives-- she just pops in a DVD of this scene:

1. El Beso del Sueno. Maribel Verdu from Y Tu Mama Tambien and... some old guy... in what was obviously her audition for the famous blockbuster Alfonse Cuaron film. Did that movie top this one in her terms of hotness? Of course... but don't miss the close up of Verdu's panties... Cuaron didn't think of that.

Bonus: Lori Loughlin from Full House in what may or may not be lingerie (or is a simple dress?) from Suckers.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Holds Out, Won't Put Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

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PG Porn Takes the Bang Bus

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:12:00 GMT

When PG Porn first appeared last year, we attacked it for being just as vulgar and idiotic as the adult films it portended to spoof.

After several consecutive successful viral vids, director/creator James Gunn has finally hit his stride with this: The Bang Bus parody. The inclusion of comic masterminds Craig Robinson and-- gulp-- Bree Olsen can't hurt either.

Check out PG-Porn: Special Ass-sistance (har har) here:

PG PORN: Helpful Bus

PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Today in WTF: PG Porn

"American Idol" Has Porno Problems

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:37:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: There's a very funny little telephone complication caused by Idol taking Anoop Desai as its 13th finalist...

You see, when American Idol asks viewers to vote for finalists, they generally have them call one of twelve numbers, which range from 1-866-436-5701 to 1-866-436-5712. Pretty straightforward stuff. Except now the show's got 13 finalists. And it doesn't own the number 1-866-436-5713.

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Remember that red-state porn craze we told you about? Apparently, Utah pays for it more than any other state.

Typical: 16 people were arrested following violence at a concert held to promote non-violence.

Hayden Panetierre may be headed toward a nervous breakdown. Yeesh.

We don't get it. Why would the police want Craigslist to boot almost all of its erotic service ads? Isn't this just going to make it harder for them to catch illegal sex activities? Not that we're complaining... legalize everything!

Amy Winehouse's visa was denied, which means she can't perform at Coachella. Is this visa-denial shit still happening for harmless kooks thirty years after Hoover hounded John Lennon?

This Albanian sex scandal would've been worth a post if it hadn't been, you know, Albanian.

Does Eliot Spitzer have to choke a hooker? Apparently, yes... at least, according to the woman in this story, which also features a teasing P.S. about another Governor, not from New York, who was a client of the same madam.

Good Lord, is this weird: NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association-- you know, the pervs) tried to put a hit on New York State Attorney General, possibly the next Governor, for a mere $10,000.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Life-Sized Barbie Dream House: I Want to Go to There

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We give Barbie a lot of shit here at Scanner—for her tramp stamp, for being too skinny, for not acting her age and even for making a skeezy porno—but you know what? Fuck that. Barbie brought us a lot of joy back when we were wearing Kissing Coolers and thought that Sesame Street was our "soap opera." Yeah, maybe we'd give her spiky hair cuts and put crazy colors in her spiky platinum 'do with washable markers, but she still loved us and we loved her. And when we were growing up in a government-subsidized townhouse in the meth capitol of the world, you can bet your ass there was nowhere we'd rather have lived than Barbie's Dream House. So forgive us if we're a little too excited about the life-sized Barbie Dream House that opened in Shanghai on Friday.

The House of Barbie, a six-story, hot-pink shrine to the doll—who turns 50 today—boasts a chandelier made of blonde hair, a closet stocked with 100 pairs of pink patent-leather pumps and a kitchen that exists solely for the purpose of baking cupcakes.

Of course, this Barbietopia is also a retail location. And the China market is one reason Mattel chose Shanghai for the flagship store.

Here, dolls range in price from $10 to $200 — for a Barbie in a Vera Wang wedding dress. But is Barbie too blond, too expensive for the China market? At a Shanghai primary school, opinion is divided.

"She's really pretty," says Wang Yiqi, looking longingly at Barbie's pink frilly miniskirt. The 11-year-old is a marketer's dream: she recognizes the specially designed $35 Shanghai Barbie and can't wait to go to the store. Others aren't quite as positive.

"I've got one just like this at home," says 7-year-old Yang Fangchen, "and it only cost $3, and she has a set of extra clothing."

Mrs. Wu, who's picking up her granddaughter, is horrified to hear of the price. "People of my generation find that really expensive. It's definitely not worth it."

In China, Barbie's world is likely to be full of impersonators. Xu Quanning, secretary general of the Shanghai Toy Trade Association, says that Barbie look-alikes for just $1 or $2 were far outselling the real doll.

But don't worry, there is no mass-market Chinese Barbie at the House of Barbie, though Mattell created a special doll which their calling "a pan-Asian likeness" (above right) for the store's opening.

[NPR: Mattel Hopes Shanghai Is A Barbie World]

Related:

The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:51:00 GMT

The sheriff's department in Chicago's Cook County is suing Cralgslist, claiming the site is the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Um, yeah? [SunTimes]

Dare we pick up Jonathan Littell's 1,000-page Nazi-centered novel "The Kindly Ones" which "manages to be a near-masterpiece of historical fiction and at the same time a bloated, overlong masturbatory fantasia of sex and violence?" We just might. [Yahoo!]

Even Facebook is Twittering now. Sort of. [InformationWeek]

Prosecutors have charged Chris Brown with beating his girlfriend, Rihanna. He could get almost five years in jail if convicted of the two felonies. [Defamer]

Apparently Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman couldn't even keep track of her children when she only had six, as evidenced by the audio of this October 9-1-1 call in which she can be heard screaming "Where's my son?" Sounds a lot like Angelina Jolie in Changeling, no? Except Angelina didn't say over and over again that she was going to kill herself. [Radar]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Introducing Ligerbeat: D1cks for Chicks

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:30:00 GMT

So, some of my friends and some friends I have yet to meet have started up a publishing venture called Ligerbeat, a magazine billed as "dicks for chicks."

And I use the term "ladies" in the loosest sense, and the word "loose" in the sense that these women are both loose and tight. That sentence probably made about as much sense as some of the responses in the recent Ligerbeat interview on the Vice blog, but if you roll with it, they'll crack you up in no time.

Take their responses to "What makes a dick top notch?":

Crackie Treehorn: I like motivated dicks that don't bullshit, know exactly what they want and take it. They’re on some bossy shit. Also, dicks that can make me laugh until I'm fucking crying are great. Your shit could be crooked like a roach leg but if you can make me crack up, the panties will get wet, trust. And it has to be fat or I'm not with it.

Yung Ho: Good dick should be like a good salad. It should fill you up and leave you feeling light and refreshed, ready to tackle your day.

Then my girl Calisha Jenkins tells about the time her friend encountered a dick that was just too small and pretended to fall asleep on it. "What this tells you is: if you get a girl in bed and she immediately falls asleep, your dick is fucking little, son."

Stay assy, ladies.

Full interview with a preview of layouts here, and check out the Liger Beat blog. Issue one coming soon.

Related:

Warner Bros. Took Away Kevin Smith's Dicks

Officer Dicks Says, "Pull Up Your Pants or I'll Pull Them Up for You!"

Frenchmen Either Have the Biggest Dicks... or Are the Biggest Liars

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:40:00 GMT

We should probably preface this by letting you know that the article that sparked this post is called "Horrific beetle sex: why the most successful males have the spikiest penises."

So, why is it that the most successful males have the spikiest penises? A possible answer and a terrifying picture after the jump.

According to the blog, Not Exactly Rocket Science, Mother Nature graced the male seed beetle with that monstrosity to the right—which obviously injures the female seed beetle—because:

It's possible that the injuries directly benefit the males, either because they stop the females from mating again or spend more efforts in raising their fertilised eggs to avoid the strain of future liaisons.

The alternative is that the spikes could give the males an edge in "sperm competitions", where they compete with rivals not through direct combat, but through fertilising as many eggs as possible. In this theory, the spines are important for winning these competitions, and the wounds they inflict are simply a nasty side-effect.

Sounds a little like some men we know: beating up their women so they'll be in no shape for another man. We can't imagine seed beetles care about monogomy, though, so we're going to go with the second "sperm competition" theory. (But what do we know about beetle sex? Absolutely nothing.)

Also, you've heard of a fluffer right? Well, to find out exactly what a bettle penis looked like, two lucky scientists got to fluff some male beetles:

The duo studied beetles taken from 13 countries across the tropics, from Brazil to the USA, and from Nigeria to Oman. The genitals of these different populations are very varied and to study them under a microscope, Hotzy and Arnqvist first had to fluff their subjects. They anaesthetised the males with carbon dioxide, and erected their penises with an "artificial inflater" - a microscopic plastic tip connected to a pump. Under a microscope, they measured the length of the longest spines and the size of the entire spine-bearing area.

Even after examining the males and females, however, scientists are still unsure of why the male beetle has a penis covered in spikes.

Luckily, for the female seed beetle, she can hold her own. She apparently has a huge amount of connective tissue lining her sexual tracts, so that whatever terrible sexual act the male beetle performs on her, she's not affected too badly. And (this is awesome) when she's had enough, she kicks the male until he lets go, it gets him to cum faster and get that spiky shaft the fuck out of her beetle juice.

Related:

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, See it at Zoorotica

Video of the Day: Isabella Rossellini's Arty, Ridiculous, Awesome Bug Porn

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn

Guess Where the Most Online Porn Subscribers Live?

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:00:00 GMT

A Harvard Business student studying the business of online porn crunched the numbers on two years of data from online porn subscribers, which was culled from a company owning over 100 adult websites.

Which state had the most porn subcribers per 1000 broadband users?

Utah, with 5.47 subscribers per 1000 broadband users. The state with the least was Montana, with 1.92 per 1000. Not that big a diff, but still: isn't it always the religious ones crying so much about pornography? Crying all the way to the spank bank!

The entire study is linked here.

Related:

Whorelore: World of Warcraft Porn, It Was Only a Matter of Time

You Can't Drink Beer, Look at Porn and Vote at Home; You Have to Drink Beer, Look at Porn Then GO Vote

Think Your Online Life's Getting Cheaper and More Anonymous? You Wish.

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

This would be surprising considering the fact that all (most?) of her babies were conceived via in vitro fertilization, but Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman might have a very sexy future awaiting her.

Suleman has been offered one million dollars from Vivid Entertainment to star in a porno. If you're not familiar with Vivid, the company apparently has worked with Pam Anderson, Kim Kardashian and former Miss USA Kelli McCarty.

So now we must ask: Crazy Baby Lady in a porno, hot or not?

[Via The Frisky]

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