Scanner : poop

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Programming to Bring You The Best Craigslist Personal Ad of The Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:21:00 GMT

We'll be back in about half an hour.

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

You Probably Shouldn't Read This Around Meal Time (File Under: TMI)

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:04:00 GMT

When my sister and I were little, we made up this word "Boobyteen." At some point we decided it was something we would "cook" and made up a recipe for it. The recipe was (brace yourselves) poop, pee, milk, orange juice and sugar (I am simultaneously cracking up and throwing up in my mouth a little right now). One night, when a nearly immobile old lady was babysitting us, Jo and I decided we would make Boobyteen. There was no actual cooking involved, but we put it in a stockpot and left it on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator (a few years later I pierced my own ears when that same sitter was watching us). We never, ever intended to consume it, in any way, and obviously our mom was really, really mad. But apparently, it turns out we might have been onto something...

A hardline Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release.

The flavor is not yet known, but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer....

"Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," Om Prakash, the head of the RSS Cow Protection Department, told Reuters by phone.

Boobyteen!

[Reuters: They call it Mellow Yellow]

"How Do I Make Myself Squirt?"

Going Too Far? Japan's Poop Museum

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

I don't really like doing shots. I can get out of them pretty easily by recounting what happened last time I threw back tequila from a tiny glass: "I tried to make out with a girl and threw up in a cab." But I have nothing on Andy Dick who took bodily functions in automobiles to a whole new level when he was wasted.

“When I drink I turn into a moron,” the former comedian tells Entertainment Tonight. “I think I’m being funny and clever, but I look back on the video tape and I border on retardation. People see me as a very easy target and they just make fun of me. It’s horrible, actually. It’s like making fun of a mentally handicapped person, because I am when I have that much alcohol inside of me.”

So when did he “hit bottom”? “Sitting in the back of the cop car urinating all over myself, crying, blowing my nose into my own shirt,” he recalls. “It was incomprehensible demoralization. I also had in one day, my agent, my manager and my publicist say ‘Sayonara!’ That still didn’t stop me.”

[Via Faded Youth]

Related:

Andy Dick And Steven Page: Today In C-List Celeb Arrests

**"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts**

Video of the Day: Now That's Some Polar Bear Sh*t

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:46:00 GMT

We don't know why we're so obsessed with this video of polar bear shit (which is the equivalent of asking you to pull our finger), but we'd like to dedicate this video to the memory of Sarah Palin's bid for vice president and to Gina Gershon for reminding us that Sarah Palin thinks global warming is polar bear shit.

Warning: while this is totally safe for work, it's not totally safe for, say, right after lunch.

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

CNN Says "Free Sarah Palin!"

Scanner's Rules for Polar Bear Impregnation

Going Too Far? Japan's Poop Museum

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:48:00 GMT

Anyone who knows us knows there's really no such thing as going too far. We're always the ones to "go there" or divulge just a little bit too much information. We're probably far too comfortable talking about our own poop, and we just bought a fresh copy of "Everyone Poops" to read to the girls in our bunk at camp next week. So we're just as surprised as you are that we're totally grossed out by Japan's poop museum.

According to the blogger who happened upon this place, the above sign says:

Everybody come and play! Come and look! We have poop books!
Rabbit: It’s shit time!
Gorilla: Come and see my shit too!
Elephant: Animal shit is here yo!
See it. Touch it! Smell it! Explore!
Can you guess what animals made this shit? (3 pictures)
Himeji Museum Of Literature, Special Exhibit. April 1st-May 18th

Okay, so we're actually a little less grossed out knowing it's more about animal poop than human poop. Animal poop and baby poop we can handle, but human adult poop? Great that you do it, you can even tell us about it, but we don't want to see it.

See, zebra shit is not so bad:

[Babelhut: Japanese Poop Museum]

Related:

Quote of the Day: "The more you stomp in poop, the more it stinks."

Colonic Irrigation: Everybody's Doing It

Video of the Day: Never Pull Off The Road To Poop

This is Your Sewage On Drugs (And Maybe Your Drinking Water)

Crush of the Week: Veggie Pride Paraders

Somebody's Been Having a Bit Too Much Space Fiber

Quote of the Day: "The more you stomp in poop, the more it stinks."

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Who said it? Vote before you jump!

Billy Ray Cyrus said it about the controversy surrounding his daughter Miley's now infamous Vanity Fair photos.

Watch the video at People.

Related:

Where Was Daddy When Miley Cyrus Was Taking Topless Photos for Vanity Fair?

Miley Cyrus Will Write a Memoir, We Will Rip Our Eyeballs Out

God, Er, Bill O'Reilly Calls for Conference to Discuss Dirty Miley Cyrus Pictures

Video of the Day: Miley Cyrus and Her Dad Get Too Close For Our Comfort

2 Girls, 1 Cup Birthday Cake (That's Totally Chocolate Mousse)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:32:00 GMT

In the cup. Chocolate mousse in the cup. You know, that one cup over the picture of two girls.

And we're just hoping there was at least some re-enactment at this party. While we were a little saddened to learn the cake was for a boy (it would have been so much cooler if it had been for a girl), we are glad to know the people at the bakery were made fully aware of what they were creating:

"so we told the cake place i usually use to make one (www.cakeandart.com), thinking they wouldn't know what it was. turned out one of the dudes there did and had to show the video to everyone at the bakery."

The video inspired the bakers to make a chocolate cake with a "nutty" peanut butter center. Yum.

[Flickr]

Related:

"2 Girls, 1 Cup" Term Paper Gets an F

"Two Girls, One Cup" Auteur Identified -- Just In Time For Oscar Season!!!

"Two Girls, One Cup," The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Somebody's Been Having a Bit Too Much Space Fiber

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 14:03:00 GMT

There are so many news stories we read on a daily basis and think, "Wow, that would really suck, good thing that's not us." While this many not be the most harrowing or the most traumatic of those stories, it sure is shitty.

The toilet at the International Space Station is clogged up.

Imagine being trapped inside a small space, with no windows to open, no option of going out back to pee (or poop), and having your one toilet broken.

This is no laughing matter. The outpost's long-term hygiene and routine comfort are now threatened, unless critical spare parts can be identified, found and loaded aboard the space shuttle Discovery as it sits on the launch pad in Florida. Long a subject of bathroom humor, these high-tech commodes must use fan-driven air flow instead of gravity to transport human waste away from a crew member’s body and into a sanitary receptacle. Early spaceflights didn’t even have this method, but relied on bags with sticky openings — and an emergency supply of such bags is indeed aboard the space station.

So many, many more details about the busted john at MSNBC.

Crush of the Week: Veggie Pride Paraders

Emily Farris — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:09:00 GMT

We should first make clear that aside from one misguided and carbohydrate-loaded year, we do not practice vegetarianism. It's not beyond us to lick the blood from our steak plate, or better yet, sop it up with lard-fried French fries. In fact, we won't even date vegetarians (perhaps because we know they wouldn't want to watch us happily slurping up cow's blood?)

But we've been known to have crushes on plenty of people we probably wouldn't date if given the opportunity, and the Veggie Pride Paraders are some of those people.

We also love superheroes and people who aren't afraid to talk about their poop:

After the walking carrot and pea pod at the front of the procession came a couple in banana costumes, holding hands as they marched, and then a man in a "Super Vegan" costume with a blazing "V" on his chest and a woman waving a hot pink tinfoil pig with a plaintive sign reading, "Save me."
Bringing up the rear of the march were the ecofarmers with a long tube of pink netting representing a meat-eater's colon. It had signs pointing to "butt cancer," "polyps" and a large plastic "colostomy bag" filled with plastic poop.

Because there's nothing we appreciate more (not even butt cancer or superheroes) than people who appreciate their food—whether we agree with their choice of cuisine or not— the hundreds of proud vegetarians and vegans who swarmed New York City's Meatpacking District yesterday are our crushes of the week.

[NY Daily News: Vegetables on march against meat biz]

[Video: NY Mag at Veggie Pride Parade]

[Veggie Pride Parade]

Sloppy Seconds: No Grammys for Amy Winehouse, Musical Condoms and Tyra Banks' "Accident"

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:05:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse will not perform at the Grammys this year—or even show up—because she's been denied a US visa. Looks like she's going to stay, stay, stay right where she is.

A condom that makes music with every thrust? No thanks.

Did Tyra Banks soil herself at Fashion Week? Don't worry, Tyra. It happens to the best of us. Usually when we're hungover or have the flu, but whatevs.

Don't forget New Yorkers, you have a date with us Tuesday night.

For All Your Anal Expensive Friends: Gold Leaf Pills

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:18:00 GMT

Say there! Got a friend who's a little too proud of their BM's? Sure, we all do. Then write down this number: 24... as in "24 karat feces"! That's right, just take one of these wondrous 24 karat gold leaf pills -- made by Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid, so you know they're quality -- and in no time, your crap will be fabulously flecked with the same material that countless scumbags and innocents have died over for thousands of years. Don't believe us? Well, just take a look at the 24 karat outrage over similar items such as the $2,000 ccPhone and the gold-dipped McDonald's coke spoon. Operators are standing by, so don't let this wondrous advance in fecal technology pass you by! Order today!

Sloppy Seconds: Need Something for Your Gym Shorts With Hasselhoff's Face On It?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:28:00 GMT

We've got a bunch of junk we'd like to stuff in Hasselhoff's bag.

Holy shit: New drug sweeping Florida youth is an inhalant made from urine and fecal matter.

Documents detailing exactly how David Copperfield was creepy and predatory released to the Internets.

No. We do not want to see your sex-year-old tango in four-inch heels with glitter sprayed to her face.

Lily Allen to be new spokesperson for Agent Provocateur.