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Hey Everyone, Let's Join the Sex Party

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:20:00 GMT

In November, right after the American Presidential election, we brought you word of an emerging (but subsequently little-noticed) political party in Australia: The Sex Party. Here's what we said:

In response to "moral campaigners and prudish politicians," Australia's open-minded citizens have decided to strike back.
On Thursday, the Great Down Under will announce the only political news worth reporting on: the launch of the fortunately-named Australian Sex Party. And no, it's not that key-exchange game your Mom told you about.

This week, Canada got in on that action with its very own-- and rather different-- Sex Party...

Although they were resoundly defeated in yesterday's parliamentary elections-- as if anyone knew they would be on the ballot-- the Sex Party of British Columbia has only just begun to (fuck or) fight. They have launched a real publicity blitz that is gaining national and, ultimately, worldwide attention, starting with its catchy slogan: "Sex is good. Let's make it better!"

"We're not running to get elected. Obviously it's impossible, especially in a first-past-the-post system that discriminates against small parties," said John Ince, a Vancouver sex shop owner and leader of the Sex Party.
The party's platform touts the benefits of a healthy sex life for personal growth and the betterment of society.
It proposes revamping the provincial education program to gradually encourage students' sexual activity, whereby extensive sexual experimentation would precede first intercourse.
Teens would learn the basics of healthy and satisfying sexual liaisons, such as trust, emotional intimacy, relaxation and verbal communication. They would be offered courses in erotic massage, and taught not to discriminate against gays or lesbians.
Furthermore, the Sex Party would require that all public parks and beaches larger than one hectare (2.5 acres) be designated areas for nudists in a bid "to normalize all parts of the human body and de-stigmatize human sexual organs."

Can you imagine that ever passing here in the next 500 years? Central Park overrun by nudists-- meaning, besides that "nudists" who walk up to you and expose themselves? Never gonna happen... but stranger things have happened in Canada and we'd certainly vote for a Sex Party candidate if we could...

It promises to make it easier for the elderly living in long-term care facilities to have sex, for example, by instituting training for "specialized sexual care nurses."
"Other politicians don't want to discuss these kinds of issues. It's very scary to them," commented Scarlett Lake. The former exotic dancer who now owns an escort service is one of three Sex Party candidates in this election.
She proposes changing Victoria Day, a statutory holiday in Canada that celebrates the birthday of Queen Victoria, who reigned during an era of prudery in Britain, to "Eros Day" for the Greek mythological god of lust and intercourse.

"Specialized sexual care nurses" as part of its platform... ex-strippers/escort Madams-turned candidates... making Victoria Day the Crazy Lust and Greek Sex Orgy day... all that is bound to garner a few token votes. Unfortunately, for now, that's all they're likely to get...

This photo of John Ince, the group's founder, is just begging for a "Caption This."

Via AFP.

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Italy's Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:01:00 GMT

The long national nightmare that is Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's "Bill-Clinton-Multiplied-By-90,000" marriage has finally come to an end.

Today, we'll look back on Silvio's many... many... many reasons for driving his wife to, at long last, file for divorce...

-defended Mussolini as a guy who sent people "on vacation" and didn't kill anybody

-claimed "Communists eat children"

-has been linked on numerous occasions to the Mafia

-"If I wasn't already married, I would marry you right away," and "With you, I'd go anywhere" are quotes attributed to Berlusconi, apparently speaking to Mara Carfagna, the showgirl-turned politician. Berlusconi's wife, Veronica Lario, demanded an apology in an opposition newspaper following the alleged incident

-was accused of making "sexist remarks" when he said right-wing women are hotter than left-wingers (he obviously has never seen Ann Coulter on television.)

-celebrated Obama's election by calling him "handsome" and "even tanned."

-answering a question about rape in Italy and soldiers being sent out to put a stop to it: "We would need as many soldiers as beautiful women and I don't think that would be possible, because our women are so beautiful."

It goes on and on... are you getting a picture? You must be wondering at this point what the final straw was for a lovable wackjobjackass like Silvio Berlusconi. The answer comes to us from the Times Online:

Ms Lario, who met Mr Berlusconi nearly 30 years ago, attacked last week his plans to field young attractive showgirls in the European Parliament elections next month as “shameless rubbish to entertain the Emperor”.

Her fury was fuelled by the revelation that her husband had attended the 18th birthday party of Noemi Letizia, a friend’s daughter, and had given her a diamond and gold necklace. Ms Lario said that he had never attended his own children’s 18th birthday parties.

Sick, sick, sick.

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While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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What Is This Tea Party Thing And Why Is It Stupid?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Billionaires For Bush celebrate tax day with a pimp, April 2005.

First of all, Happy Tax Day everyone. However, if you're one of our more conservative readers, you're probably mighty whipped up about it, thanks to Fox News and their endless attempts to convince you the government doesn't need your money and it would be better to run up incredible deficits so Glenn Beck can stay wealthy.

Then you heard about these right-wing tea parties, which have nothing to do with the Founding Fathers and their fiestas in Boston and everything to do with total idiocy...

This morning, we spoke with Chuck Collins, the famed lefty activist and senior scholar at the Institute For Policy Studies, about these confusing protests. Here is an explanation:

What do you think of the tea party protests?

Protests are healthy in a democracy, but these Tea Parties are a phony grassroots “Astroturf” campaign, orchestrated by anti-tax, anti-government groups.

They are trying to channel the public’s anger toward Wall Street greed toward taxes and the Obama economic plan.

The problem is the Big Disconnect. Most Americans are getting a tax cut this April 15th. People aren’t complaining about their taxes –they are fearful for the economy. They are rooting for President Obama to fix the economy –and dig us out of the horrific mess that he inherited.

Who is behind this?

It's a stunt organized by Freedom Works, a right-wing organization funded by the Koch family, an oil billionaire business. Their agenda is to shrink government, and cut taxes. They are not AGAINST Wall Street greed – they ARE Wall Street Greed. They are pretending to be patriots on tax day –but they are doing the King’s bidding and Wall Street’s program.

Without the Koch millions –and Fox News infomercials, these demonstrations would not gain much ground.

Is there a cause to protest?

Something to protest is the fact that we have two tax codes in this country –one for the wealthy and another for the rest of us. The effective tax rate on the richest 1 percent has declined by 50 percent since 1955. The “great tax shift” has reduced taxes on the wealthy.

For more, see “Reversing the Great Tax Shift: Seven Steps to Finance Recovery Fairly” at IPS.

Media Matters for America President Eric Burns also weighs in on Fox News’ tea party hysteria:

“It is absurd that a news network that claims to be ‘fair and balanced’ is actively encouraging its viewers to engage in anti-Obama political activism. However, this is par for the course for Fox News. The network has been seized by the culture of conservative paranoia that has run rampant since President Obama’s inauguration, with its hosts accusing the president of every ‘-ism’ in the book and making increasingly dire and irresponsible predictions about the consequences that Obama’s policies will have for the country.”

Check out a rundown of background information on Fox News' promotion of these suspicious "tea parties." This site is also chockful of stories about how right-wing fronts are practically bribing people to show up and keep the manufactured momentum going.

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Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:10:00 GMT

This is Scanner Brian-- and Scanner Brian alone-- with a list that needed to be done. Males have something against admitting they are feminists, perhaps because they mistakenly believe the term applies only to women.

Today, I decided to set out to right that wrong-- much as these women (and one man) did over the course of their very interesting lives. The result is pure history-filled entertainment and not meant to be definitive by any means. For one thing, Gloria Steinem, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath should be on a list of the great feminists, to be sure, but I found that so much has been written about them already and decided it was best to spare you my half-assed attempts to say something original about them. (By the way, we excluded Susan B. Anthony from this list because of her staunch anti-abortion stance-- these ten, in no particular order, were the ones we personally appreciate the most...)

Karen Silkwood. In her lifetime, nuclear plant whistleblower Karen Silkwood was not known as a feminist, but that doesn't matter to us. She stood up to those (men) who tried to put her in her place, who told her she couldn't have a romantic relationship with another woman. They told her she should keep quiet about being contaminated by plutonium at the plant where she worked, even though incompetent management had caused the exposures. But she didn't listen, even when there were numerous threats on her life. As you may already know, Silkwood was killed in one of the great unsolved murder cases in American history. Of course, everyone knows she was run off the road by agents of Kerr-McGee and/or the US Government-- although she crashed into a guardrail en route to deliver documents to a New York Times reporter, documents that were missing from the wreckage, damage was also found to her rear bumper, suggesting she was actually hit from behind. Nora Ephron scripted and Mike Nichols film of Silkwood, which was nominated for several Academy Awards in 1984.

Louise Brooks. Brooks was a dancer and movie actress who told the studios to stuff it when they wanted to force her to perform in lame "sound pictures." She ignored the "You'll never work in this town again" threats and decided she didn't need those control freak men in Hollywood. Instead, she moved to Germany and starred in the first film to ever feature a lesbian character, Pandora's Box, now regarded as a classic. Her sexually-charged performances in German cinema were all censored or remained unreleased for years. "By her own admission, she was a sexually liberated woman, not afraid to experiment, even posing fully nude for "art" photography, and her liaisons with many film people were legendary, although much of it is speculation."

Crystal Lee Sutton. A sadly overlooked feminist icon if there ever was one, Sutton is known as "the real Norma Rae." In the early 1970s, Sutton worked at a textile plant in South Carolina, making $2.65 folding towels. She soon got union fever and stood up to harassment and sexism to become the spiritual leader of the entire labor movement in this country. Of course, a few years later, Sally Field starred as a character based on Sutton's early work with the ACTWU.

Kate Chopin. Missouri native Chopin wrote the Awakening at the turn of the 20th century, and it couldn't have been better timed-- from the perspective of history. In 1899, it couldn't have been met with more of an out-of-touch backlash. Chopin's novel about a woman's struggle with societal standards, motherhood vs. self, and "the woman as property" norm took America by storm, with the outcry so great that her publisher delete the book before most members of the public were able to purchase it. Nonetheless, its "unwholesome" attitude toward sex was one of the key factors in sparking the century's feminist movement.

Shirley Chisholm. What didn't this feminist superhero accomplish in her life? (We didn't want you to actually answer that, but if you're looking for a torch-bearer, see Bella Abzug, below.) Chisholm, who would be my Congresswoman were she still alive to represent my district, was the first African-American woman of Congress, the first on a major-party ballot for President and the first woman on the Democratic ticket. Chisholm went on to receive more than 150 votes for President at the 1972 DNC. (The best anecdote about her is one unrelated to her feminism. When racist Governor George Wallace was shot and very nearly assassinated during that same Presidential campaign, Chisholm caused a huge uproar for visiting him in the hospital.)

Continue reading in Part Two.

French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is about to lose his justice minister, the controversial Rachida Dati, who will leave a giant hole in the daily tabloids when she departs in June. (Dati, as you may recall, became a single mother at 42 and then caused an uproar when she attended a cabinet meeting five days later.)

Sarkozy realized France loves its female politicians, particularly much-discussed, attractive ones. So, his next Cabinet minister is going to be Christine Kelly, a woman "known for appearing in her bikini and appearing on TV..."

According to the Telegraph, Kelly was chosen because:

"Mr Sarkozy is hugely impressed that she is not only attractive, but in touch with the modern world,' said a source in the governing UMP party. Ed. Note: Notice he mentioned her looks first...

Yep, those are pretty much the extent of her qualifications, at least according to that story. Sarkozy is well on his way to becoming the next Silvio Berlusconi.

More about Kelly here, if the translation works.

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Leave Bristol Palin Alone?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:39:00 GMT

We all had fun making fun of Bristol Palin and her baby daddy Levi Johnston during the election. Maybe even too much fun. But now that the couple's engagement has ended, teen weeks after their child was born, the New York Times asks, should we just leave Bristol Palin alone?

[It] speaks to the larger question of where the private becomes the public and whether, once the line is crossed, it is possible to go back....

Once the McCain-Palin ticket lost and the spotlight faded, so too, apparently, did the romance. The baby came along at the end of December and a wedding never materialized. Ms. Palin recently made a cheery statement that Mr. Johnston was a “hands-on” dad. But on Wednesday he confirmed to the Associated Press a Star magazine report that he and Ms. Palin mutually decided “a while ago” to call things off. They then moved on to public recriminations, with Ms. Palin issuing a statement suggesting that her former betrothed and his sister had been trying to “cash in” on the Palin name.

From [Kitty] Dukakis [who battled alcoholism] to Betty Ford, the families of politicians have watched their lives become tabloid fodder; some politicians, from Bill Clinton to former Senators John Edwards of North Carolina and Larry E. Craig of Idaho, have created the fodder themselves. In the past, when a campaign or term in office has ended, the families, at least, have been able to go back to their private lives. But that seems harder now in the 24/7 media culture and will probably be difficult for Ms. Palin, whose mother is still governor of Alaska and has hinted at a future run for national office.

It's not Bristol Palin's fault that she's getting all of this seemingly unwanted attention. But it's not necessarily the media's fault either. As Tina Fey as Sarah Palin said: “I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.”

[New York Times: Canceled Palin Wedding Becomes a Public Matter]

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Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.

Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?

A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!

Q. I hear ya.

A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!

Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?

A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!

Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?

A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)

Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?

A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--

A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.

Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?

A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....

[transmission cut]

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Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Sorry, ladies (including Scanner Emily), your #2 Hottie in the White House, Jon Favreau, has taken himself a ladyfriend.

It turns out that Obama's head speechwriter, a dude of only 27 years, is going to give us something to gossip about for the next four years: he's dating Maxim babe Ali Campoverdi.

According to Gawker, Campoverdi is an assistant to one of the deputy chiefs of staff, so it's not like Favreau's preying on the help or sexually harassing his own staff or something. No, this is pure White House sex of the kind a Presidential administration has always longed for-- no interns, cheaters, or coke-fueled swimming pool orgy marathons.

Not yet.

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First Gay Mayor in the U.S. Already Embroiled in Major Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:32:00 GMT

When Portland, Oregon Mayor Sam Adams was running for office back in 2007 (he was sworn in last year), he was dogged by rumors of a love affair with-- you called it-- an intern...

Adams dismissed the rumors by saying that he did not have sex with Beau Breedlove (we thought it had to be bullshit when we heard that name) who was rumored to be 17 at the time of his employment at the Oregon State Legislature back in '05. Now, in a shocking turn of events, Adams has been forced to admit to having had sex with the boy, but denies that the teen was underage at the time. Here's the full text of his remarks, from a press release out of the Mayor's office:

I want to publicly acknowledge a mistake I have made and I want to apologize for it.

In the past, I have characterized my relationship with Beau Breedlove as purely non-sexual. That is not true. Beau Breedlove and I had a sexual relationship for a few months in the summer of 2005 after he turned 18 years of age.

I should have been honest at the time about the true nature of my relationship with Beau Breedlove when questions about my relationship with him first surfaced publicly in October 2007. In fact, Beau encouraged me to be honest about the facts of our relationship. I am deeply sorry that I asked him to lie for me.

I lied at the time because I was afraid that people would believe untrue rumors, being circulated by an undeclared mayoral opponent, that I had broken a law involving sexual relations with a minor. But this is not a good excuse.

It's not clear yet whether Adams, the first openly gay man to head a major U.S. city, decided to reveal the supposed "truth" about his sex life because of an investigation or some other concern. We'll have more on this as it comes in...

Via USA Today.

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Make Your Own Obama Inaugural Address

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Remember Mad Libs? Of course you do-- you received a stack of them for Christmas as a "gag gift," although you won't admit to anyone you plowed through a bottle of wine on Sunday night and filled up all but two of them.

A new website will satisfy your cravings for trying to remember what adverbs and nouns are and then trying to make half-finished sentences funny. They've taken a generic Obama-style speech, removed a word or two from every line, and allow you to plug in your own snark at random.

See what we came up with and try your hand at composition...

Yeah, we kind of rushed through it ourselves in a hopeless attempt to wrap up early today-- we're sure you can come up with more amusing substitutions. Do so here and then check back (no peeking!) to learn what wonderful flights of intellectual fancy we made Barack say:

Barack Obama's Inauguration Speech
My fellow Americans, today is a sexy day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "Lake Titicaca", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually sprint.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces slimy and hot challenges like never before. Our economy is smelly. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for bars. Our healthcare system is goofy. If your anus is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a farmer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a matchstick boner. But running together we can right this ship, and set a course for Butte, Montana.

Finally, I must thank my boneriffic family, my glowing campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank right-wing protofascists for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of bonking the American people. Without your slippery efforts, none of this would have been possible.

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McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Today Page Six claims their "impeccably placed source" says, "Just before Thanksgiving, Cindy McCain started talks with producers to appear as a dancer on the show (Dancing With the Stars)."

Really?

This impeccably placed source also claims, "She wanted to do it very badly." But this week, Sen. McCain "put the kibosh on it."

Booooooooooo

What is this, Footloose? (If you haven't noticed the giant movie poster we published with this post)

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John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

Scanner Matt — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

It was a fairly quick relationship, though more than just a roll in the conservative hay. She sometimes embarrassed him in front of his friends and he never really listened to what she had to say. Sometimes things aren't meant to be, but when your ex is invited to one of the biggest parties of the year and you didn't get an invitation, the pain is new all over again.

Mother Jones reports:

On the night before Barack Obama is sworn in as the nation's 44th President, his inaugural committee will host a series of dinners honoring public servants it deems champions of bipartisanship. To be feted are Vice President-elect Joe Biden, Colin Powell, and John McCain... introduced by one of his closest Senate confidants: Senator Lindsey Graham. But McCain's No. 1 booster during the last year will not be among those hailing McCain. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, his controversial running-mate, will not attend the dinner.

But no one will say who's snubbed who. Was it a McCain request to keep her away or the presidential inauguration committee's doing? Or is Palin ignoring them? Palin's spokesman claims, "I don't know if she was invited?" We find that hard to believe.

This is so classic John and Sarah.

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[image]

Nazi Coffee Bad For Business

Scanner Matt — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 20:10:00 GMT

The coffee company, Tchibo, and gas station chain, Esso, have discontinued a joint advertising campaign in Germany. "Tchibo never meant to hurt anyone's feelings," company spokeswoman Angelika Scholz said, claiming Tchibo and Esso were unaware of their new campaign slogan's old significance.

The campaign slogan was, "Jedem den Seinen" which means, "to each his own" or "to each what he deserves". Guess who also liked this expression? That's right. Nazis. The almost exact expression, "Jedem das Seine" hung at the entrance to the Buchenwald concentration camp, where 56,000 people died.

The signs, which appeared at German gas stations advertising coffee (not gas, that would be unbearably awful), were removed yesterday.

Reuters reports:

Salomon Korn, the vice president of the Central Council of Jews in Germany told the Frankfurter Rundschau newspaper that the campaign reflected either "unsurpassed tastelessness" or "total historical ignorance".

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Famous A-hole Puts His Name Where It Doesn't Belong... Again

Scanner Matt — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:32:00 GMT

Ahhhh, the ol' chest signing. Let's pull out and see who this aggressive breast-signer is (notice the woman's discomfort, the defensive positioning of her right arm, is she all alone?).

Wait for it...

Oh Lord! It's Blago!

Why corrupt Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevick?! Why?! Well, because this guy obviously likes to do whatever he wants.
Gawker contacted CJ Dugan, the man who produced this photo:

"I was clearing out my iPhoto library and found it," he tells us. The photo, he says, is from September 20, 2008; he noticed a crowd gathering at the Cubs game and snapped it as he walked by. And the weird blocked-out portion? "That was just my flash on someone's shoulder."

Let's take a closer look at what's going on here as Blago goes in for the kill.

The woman looks as though she knows she's made the wrong decision, the discomfort in the way she's flaring her nostrils says it all.

The man on the right is either her equally uncomfortable boyfriend (he shares the forced smiled/nostril flare), or he could just be some hopeless Cubbies fan waiting for his other hat to be signed.

But the most amazing part of this picture (if you look at it long enough) is the child between hat and Blago elbow. Yes, that's him, the one with the death-stare, warning us all, angry he must grow up in this world we've created.

Why?

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Who Wants Spam Sushi? Barack Obama Does...

Scanner Matt — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Is this a local delicacy or a bad habit?

According to a New York Times pool report covering Obama's recent vacation in Hawaii, the president-elect likes the stuff.

As for Mr. Obama and his group, a snack bar clerk later confirmed that he purchased two hot dogs, two spam musubi, two passion orange sodas, one Powerade and one coke, for a tab of $17.75. The spam musubi, a local luncheon specialty, consists of spam and a fried egg on a bed of rice, all held together with a dried seaweed wrap.

Hungry? Here's how you make it:

Related:

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Drug Charges

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

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Drug Charges

Scanner Matt — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:14:00 GMT

Oh, that wacky, lovable Palin family... what have they got themselves into this time? Drugs? You betcha!

We never learned too much about Levi Johnston, except for a few gems of info found on his myspace page and the fact that he knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol. Here's an intimate look into his family life. The Anchorage Daily News reports Levi's mom was (ready?):

...arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs -- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

When asked about the arrest, Palin's spokesman, Bill McAllister, issued the following statement by e-mail: "This is not a state government matter. Therefore the governor's communications staff will not be providing comment or scheduling interview opportunities."

And oh yeah, eighteen year-old Bristol Palin is likely due on Saturday.

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Obama Was A Pimp: Or At Least the 80's Made Him Look That Way

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:13:00 GMT

If these were meant to be flattering, why would you leak them to the New York Post, a "newspaper" that despises Obama?

Wait a minute... Time Magazine named Obama Person of the Year, found these photos, and then instead of publishing themselves, let the Post have these before anyone else? For whatever reason they've been appropriated, we'll share them without comment:

These photos, by the way, were taken in 1980 by an acquaintance at Occidental College and locked in a safe-deposit box to ensure they were not used for political purposes during the election. More about the photographer and the photos here (warning: it's a New York Post article, the fuckers.)

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Video of the Day: Fox News Infighting, Bill-O Gets Trashed

Scanner Matt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:01:00 GMT

We know these people are idiots, but it's always fun to see Bill O'Reilly get burned, this time by Fox News anchor and former lawyer, Megyn Kelly.

Watch how in over his head Bill gets when trying to discuss freedom of speech. He is completely uninformed and even throws in the towel by the segments end after Kelly shows him what's what then repeatedly yells at him, "You're wrong!"

And as always he is.

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White House Press Secretary Gets A Black Eye

Scanner Matt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

We assume you heard about the infamous shoe-thrower, Muntadhar al-Zaidi, who flung his soles at George Bush ("This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog!"). And if you read up on it, you learned that they beat the poor guy senseless while in custody.

Muntadar al-Zaidi has allegedly suffered a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding, his older brother, Dargham, told the BBC.

But while Bush got away without a scratch, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino took a microphone in the eye during the melee, which resulted in a nice shiner.

Guess what's after the jump.

Bush's bullshitter took one for the team. AP has the story.

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

George Bush: From White House to 'Whites Only' House

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

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Most Repulsive Christmas Video of the Year

Scanner Matt — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:39:00 GMT

This is absolutely disgusting. We doubt you'll even be able to sit through the video that follows. Apparently this family has been making short Christmas videos about their dog since 2002. We're horrified. Why would someone do something so repulsive? The easy answer is: They're the Bush family.

This is definitely safe to view at work, though we must warn you not to eat anything while viewing the freak show as you are in danger of puking all over the place.

Happy Holidays!

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George Bush: From White House to 'Whites Only' House

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

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While You Were Sleeping: The No Pants Ride

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:09:00 GMT

Idiots are already out with 2012 Presidential election polls. Thankfully, we have 2004 predictions to show you the futility of these fact-finding missions: Rudy Guiliani defeats John Kerry or John Edwards or Hillary Clinton in the 2008 race to the White House.

Meanwhile, the Electoral College named Barack Obama as the President-elect and Kerry is the new head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

A major movie star from the past has turned to blogging to amuse himself...

Post Election
Current mood: hopeful

As you know, I urged the young people to vote. And I'm so gratified that we had the largest number of young people voting that we've ever had. Of course, I was careful not to sway their votes. But I must admit, I'm very happy that our country has made such a historical move. The world will be astounded that the United States has elected a black man to lead them. I never imagined that such an event would be possible during my lifetime. I think our country will now go on a course that permits us to work with other countries.

The comments that I received from other countries all tell me how much people have the same dreams and we must all work together in order to fulfill those dreams.

...so says Kirk Douglas on his MySpace page.

Anthony Pellicano received a whopping 15-year prison sentence.

This interview with Jon Hamm by our Bearded Man of (Last) Week is goddamned funny as hell.

The latest victims of the economic downturn: Marines and the kids they give gifts to.

That Follieri Guy, Anne Hathaway's most recent terrible boyfriend choice, owes $3.6 mil.

And the next No Pants Subway Ride in New York City is January 10th.

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RIP Newspapers

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:50:00 GMT

We apologize for yet another Daily Show segment, but this short video seems to wrap up the fate of gray paper with words printed on it. Take a moment of silence in your blog hopping out of respect for the death of palpable journalism then laugh at this funny video.

We're not sure if the death of the newspaper is truly upon us (yet) or if the age-old news source will just restructure itself according to modern times, but as always the wacky fake anchorman, Stewart, raises interesting questions with his basic cable charm and blue state wit.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Final Edition Edition

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

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**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

Joe the Plumber: McCain Made Me Feel "Dirty"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, not to be confused with Sloth from Goonies, spoke out in a radio interview with giant toddler, Glenn Beck, about being "appalled" at what went on inside McCain's bus.

In a walk down campaign memory lane Joe said of John McCain, “I asked him some pretty direct questions... Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive — they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Yikes! So why didn't you get off the bus, Joe?

“...honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

Well put.

Wurzelbacher explained he felt “dirty” while “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

But in the end there was a silver lining to the political rain cloud Joe had endured, “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal.”

And Joe knows about being, "the real deal." He also seems to confuse a candidate's qualification's with his own horniness:

You know, I only got to spend a short amount of time with her but, you know, it was been asked if I felt any presence when I was with John McCain or Barack Obama. You know, with Sarah Palin, I don't want to say I felt a presence but she definitely had energy... You know, she wants to serve us.

If you're still looking for a Christmas present this holiday, Joe, the master of eloquence ("it was been asked if"), is coming out with a riveting new book.

Full story at Politico and complete radio interview here.

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**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

George Bush: From White House to 'Whites Only' House

Scanner Matt — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:18:00 GMT

In our downward spiraling economy there is one person losing a job for whom we feel no remorse. George W. Bush will be packing his bags this holiday season and moving to a new location as white as the eye can see. No, it's not the North Pole.

Raw Story reports President George Bush will be moving to an exclusive community in Dallas, Texas post-presidency, where the likes of Ross Perot and billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban, reside. Here's the creepy part:

Until 2000, the neighborhood association's covenant said only white people were allowed to live there, though an exception was made for servants.

Enacted in 1956, part of the original document reads: "Said property shall be used and occupied by white persons except those shall not prevent occupancy by domestic servants of different race or nationality in the employ of a tenant."

Home is where the heart(less) is.

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**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Source: Bush Lied 47,519,848,857 Times About Iraq

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Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

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Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:46:00 GMT

Have you heard about the insanity that's going on in Atlantic City?

And no, we don't mean the usual drug-related shootings, OD'ing schoolkids, or half a dozen brothels being raided. We're talking about the City Council corruption scandal, which is finally over, having exposed ministers getting blow jobs from prostitutes, backroom deals, and entire families going down in an amusing public bonfire...

Here are the facts:

A Baptist minister was secretly filmed getting a blow job on a hotel room's hidden camera (which was inside a clock radio, creepily enough.) It turned out the minister was City Council member Eugene Robinson and it quickly became apparent that he was being set up for blackmail by the Council's President, Craig Calloway, who apparently didn't have enough power at #1. Even more strange: Calloway was busted by a DJ who received a copy of the tape from a man wearing something of a Mr. Potato Head getup: ridiculous glasses, fake facial hair, and protective gloves.

Now Calloway has been convicted of corruption and a conspiracy that involved two of his brothers, and will serve three years in a Federal prison. Meanwhile, the city is suffering financially as even casinos can't make a profit in these trying times. It also doesn't help that the most recent ex-mayor of A.C. famously went AWOL last year, resurfacing only to admit to a painkiller addiction and resigning.

In other words, if you miss the 70's Las Vegas and its pre-legalized prostitution underworld, buses leave for Atlantic City leave every 15 minutes from New York's Port Authority...

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House Party 2! Is Bill Headed Back to the Future II (Too)?

Scanner Matt — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:49:00 GMT

I apologize for the lame sequel references, but these movies did come about just around the time Bill Clinton started strategizing for the presidency.

In a recent interview Bill Clinton hinted at a position for himself in Barack Obama's cabinet. We highly doubt Obama would let this happen, but sometimes there is no resisting Slick Willy's hypnotic charm.

As we all know Hillary Clinton is in, and has accepted the position of Secretary of State in the Obama White House, but what's Bill doing these days? He claims, "I'll just try to be a helpful sounding board to her, but I don't think I'll do any more than that," as he told CNN on a trip to Hong Kong.

He spoke about what a tough decision it was for Hillary to leave the Senate (or more likely her original strategy for running in 2012) and the challenges she will face as the new SOS.

But this man works in mysterious ways. He did say he would just hang back unless (UNLESS... UNLESSS... ) Obama "asks me to do something specific, which I'm neither looking for nor closed to."

He's open. All you have to do is say the word, Obama, and the Wonder Twins will activate.

As Doc says to Marty in Back to the Future II, "Be careful around that Griff character. He's got a few short circuits in his bionic implants."

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Photo/Weblogs

Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:06:00 GMT

More than six in ten Americans have an unfavorable view of the Grand Old Party, according to a Gallup poll released today.

But that's not even the worst part of the survey, which should have Republicans scrambling faster than the Dems did after getting trounced in 2004...

One thing the party has largely avoided, to much unity and success, is a clear image, set of goals, and ideology. Not so anymore, according to CNN's reading of the Gallup numbers:

As the debate rages within GOP ranks over where to take the party, the poll might offer some guidance.

Most Republicans — 59 percent — want the party to become more conservative, according to the poll. Another 28 percent want it to remain about the same ideologically, while only 12 percent would prefer to see the Republican Party become less conservative.

Independents are split on whether the party should track left or right: 35 percent of independent voters say the GOP should become more conservative, and 35 percent say less conservative.

Not only are independents evenly divided on what it would take to rope them into the fold, the party itself isn't holding it together either: while the country and the newest generation of voters want the country moving to the left on Iraq, gay marriage, healthcare, and so on, Republicans want to-- forgive the expression-- cling to guns and religion. (And making abortion a top issue, which won't go over well with us youth types, either...)

What do you think? Can the GOP bounce back? Will a faltering economy doom Democrats in 2010 and bring back a Republican movement?

Via CNN.

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