Scanner : photoshop

Crystal Renn: Big and Beautiful in Australian 'Bazaar'

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:49:00 GMT

Crystal Renn is turning heads this month. And not just because she's a plus-sized model appearing in the pages of Australian Harper's Bazaar. It's because editors let her stay that way for their May issue. Unlike stateside fashion magazines like Vogue—whose editors pride themselves for featuring bigger girls and then Photoshop their curves away like they did with songstress and Scanner crush Adele—Aussie's Bazaar left Renn seemingly Photoshop free. And we like it.

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

[Source]

Do These Ads Come Off as Suggestive to You?

Colleen Kane — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 20:45:00 GMT

In Russia, they make milk ads look like bukkake! What a country!

Follow-up question: do you think Photoshop was used in creating these images?

More here.

Related:

Advertising Event Promotes Full-Frontal Nudity As Business Model

Tampon Ad Is Australia's Most-Complained About of 2008

Today in Advertising Porn: Schweppes' "Burst"

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

They'd never get away with this in America: one British high school is making headlines after a teacher showed her sex ed class a parade of naked men and asked them which body parts they wanted to focus on...

The dudes were parading around the school gymnasium for a live camera feed set up by Channel Four's The Sex Education Show, which aims to teach young people healthy attitudes about lovemaking-- you know, not that abstinence garbage. The cameras zoomed in on the body parts in question, examining their remarkable differences and proving no two people are alike, according to this local news story.

Even more incredibly, this was sanctioned by the school and the parents. (In America, they would bring back lynching specifically to deal with these people.) The students thought it helped show boys that not everyone is supermodel thin and there is nothing wrong with the un-Photoshopped body. Hear, hear.

Check out what Assistant head teacher Jo Postlethwaite has to say about the program:

"I think what this has given us is a starting point to revamp sex education. The students really benefited from people from outside the school coming in to talk to them about sex. It can be hard for both students and teachers to go from a teacher being your maths teacher to being your sex education teacher. Maybe it needs to be someone completely different."

We really have nothing more to say about this except "bravo." Meanwhile, Italy is in an uproar over a teacher who discussed genital piercings, bondage, and all that jazz during an off-topic rant about masturbation. This was during a sex ed class being taught to eleven-year-olds, which is apparently not acceptable over there.

Related:

Isabella's at it Again

The Best of the April Fool's Day Sex News

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Our Neighbors to the North Get a Blue Ribbon for Sex Education While we FAIL

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Attention, ladies: Gerard Butler's next movie features the actor in a nude scene.

Bruno has been slapped with an NC-17 rating for pervasive sexxx.

Josh Hartnett is in the hospital for stomach pains. Cue gerbil allegations in three, two...

The weirdest (but maybe most interesting) story in ages: the woman who starved her 1-year-old son to death because her cult would not let the boy eat unless he said "Amen" pled guilty in the most unusual plea deal we've ever heard of. Prosecutors claim that the only way they could get her to take the deal was to promise-- and this they had to do in open court-- that, should the child be resurrected (as his mother claims he will one day), the charges are withdrawn. God bless Baltimore, baby.

A boy (age unknown) won a $2.3 million negligence settlement against the physician who botched his circumcision. I wouldn't do it for anything less than moving the decimal point two places to the right.

Oprah Winfrey's famous South African school is seeing its second sex scandal in as many years.

Sarah Palin has to pick a Democrat to fill a state Senate seat in Alaska. So, of course, she has a Republican switch his voter registration, say that there was something "wrong" with it, and take the seat. This is totally excusable politics, except for the fact that they're so sneaky and lie about their reasoning, the Democrats who have to accept this will never do it. Can Governor Palin do anything right?

A bunch of Somali pirates attacked... a decoy ship filled with troops looking for pirates to capture. Nice.

And Holly Madison claims to have insisted on "minimal" Photoshopping at Playboy during her time there.

Does This Supermodel Look Fat To You?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:30:00 GMT

And even if she did, so what? It's one thing if she were morbidly obese, but she's not even close to overweight-- and besides, we thought this country had better things to do than criticize a woman's weight.

Earlier this week, Heidi Klum was attacked by a publicity-starved designer for being "too fat" to walk a runway. This German designer, who is too big of a douche to be named here, lest we further his career, is well deserving of the tremendous backlash that his comments were met with.

"Wolfgang is obviously trying to revive his sagging career and get press for himself by riding Heidi''s coattails," the New York Post quoted spokesperson for Klum as saying. [Tim Gunn added] "I can wrap my hand around her bicep."

It's a shame Wolfgang isn't a female person, because we could offer a stockpile of "sagging" puns that would, unfortunately, only stoop to ~~his~~ her low. Anyway, Ol' Saggy Nuts is probably just jealous that his fellow German is more famous than he is... and that Seal won't lend her out for any of Max Mosley's orgies.

Here are some photos from Klum's recent shoot for GQ. Even if they are doctored/Photoshopped, how fake could they be? This woman will be hot until the day she dies, or at least age 67, whichever comes later.

Related:

Sasha Grey Completely Naked in New American Apparel Ad

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Hot or Not? Heidi Klum's Got Milk Ad

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Heidi Klum Is Really, Really Good at Guitar Hero

( : 0

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:12:00 GMT

Pardon my being late to the game if this is an old photo. I don't normally peruse this sort of photography on the interwebz but let's just say I have a few sickos on my Twitter follow list who post links to weird things.

Of course this young one-legged woman has every right to look hot, I just wonder how this photo was presented in its original context. But even more, I wonder WTF? and LOL about what is cropped out of the above photo. Complete image after the jump.

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

Hostel-Owning Perv Learns to Shut His Spy Hole

Real or Fake? Katy Perry Nude Photo

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 17:26:00 GMT

This supposed Katy Perry nude candid has been floating around the internet today. Our immediate reaction was "absolutely not her," but then we started to second guess ourselves...

Has the "I Kissed A Girl And I Figured No One Would Remember Jill Sobule" singer had a nose job? That could explain that minor problem. Of course, then you'd have to figure this was taken at least two years ago, maybe three, to account for how her body has, um, completely changed. Normaly, we wouldn't even bother with this if not for the fact that 50% of blog comments we've come across claim "with absolute certainty" that it's the Brit pop artist.

What do you say?

One thing we can say with relative certainty: this was not Photoshopped. And now if someone would please leak the Zooey Deschanel sex tape to us-- you all know it's gotta be out there...

Top photo via CNET.

Creepy Dudes Now Using Sex Tapes To Blackmail You Into... Giving Them Nude Photos?

Scanner Readers Rescuing Vintage Nude Photos For You

Lingerie Football Linebacker Sues Ex For Leaking Her Nude Photos

Scanner Readers Rescuing Vintage Nude Photos For You

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:37:00 GMT

Reader John DeFeo has been restoring vintage pinup photos for two years and he's decided to share some of his rescue efforts with you, his dearest friends...

Here's a sample before and after of the restorative power's of John's hand (or is it his Photoshop?)

Hot damn, indeed. John explains his process, during which each photo was

"blasted with a compressed air treatment, cured with a non-abrasive treatment called Vitafilm, scanned at 5400 dots-per-inch, and retouched to remove stray hairs, dirt, water stains, holes, scratches, and restored to original color..."

View the full collection here. Unrelated top photo via this link.

Related:

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Who Is Katie Green And Why Is She Famous?

In Photo War, Patriots Cheerleaders Outdo Cleveland Cavs Cheerleaders

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Frisky's Ten Best Male Nude Scenes List

What's It Like Having Sex With Leonardo DiCaprio?

Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Rod Blagojevich On The Daily Show: "I'm Positive [I'm Not Gay]!"

Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Britney Spears, No Longer Toxic

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:33:00 GMT

We've spent our fair share of time making fun of Britney Spears. She's an easy target, we admit. But right now, as it stands, she gets the blue ribbon for being the comeback kid. The publicity shots for her new album Circus are not only cute and sexy, we think they're actually real this time.

True, it's a little too airbrushed, but she would have fit in so well at the Nerve & Hendrick's Gin party last month.

Related:

Photoshop Me One More Time

Photoshopped or Not? Britney Spears' Possible Pregnancy Pics

We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

About Last Night: Pictures from the Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Burlesque Party

The Nerve Nerds Know How to Party Pretty, Too

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:31:00 GMT

We're wrapping up early today so we can stay glued to the TV. Check out our election thread here.

The Examiner examined the worst celebrity magazine covers of all time. Guess how many are David Duchovny photos?

Another naked prank went wrong.

How the hell did this end up in a kid's Halloween candy bag?

When their children returned from Halloween trick-or-treating, a couple found suspected methamphetamine and $85 in cash among their 7-year-old son's Snickers bars and Skittles. Lars and Shelly Brosdahl called police, who confirmed that the substance was methamphetamine, worth up to $200 on the street. [AP/Yahoo]

An enraged husband and his two brothers got a drunk and cut off his dick as revenge for a supposed sex act committed with the enraged man's wife.

A man who raped a horse got off easy. (No pun intended, please!)

Brooke Smith's role as Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's Anatomy is over. Do you think it's discrimination? The argument didn't convince us either way.

And the Kate Winslet-Vanity Fair photos Scanner Emily posted yesterday are causing the predictable controvsery. Airbrushed? Photoshopped? Who cares?

Related:

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Gisele Bundchen Finds Another Excuse To Take Off Her Clothes

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Dear Arista Records,

While we know you did some Photoshopping, thank you for not whittling Jennifer Hudson away to nothing on the cover of her new self-titled album.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Scanner Emily

[Yahoo!]

Related:

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

Photoshop Me One More Time

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

Sloppy Seconds: Matilda Rose Ledger's Big Gift

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Britney Spears sex tape. Excuse us while we go throw up the twelve pounds of crab cakes we ate in Baltimore this weekend. [MollyGood]

The economy may be falling to shit, but at least we can still afford Photoshop. [DailyIntel]

The New York Sun (where Scanner Emily got her journalistic start in New York many moons ago) was supposed to close for good today but will put out another issue tomorrow. Maybe, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus. And he loves conservatives. [Reuters]

Country singer Mindy McCready is headed back to jail. [Us]

Lawyers for Heath Ledger's estate are suing over a $10M life insurance policy they claim has gone unpaid since the actor's death. [AP]

However, when everything is settled, Heath's entire estate will go to his daughter with Michelle Williams, Matilda. [People]

Sarah Palin Gets Us All Hot and Bothered

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:13:00 GMT

For the past couple of weeks, I've had this image of Sarah Palin set as my Facebook photo... and in that time I've received more Facebook action than I've had in months. Apparently, Scanner Emily as Sarah Palin is far more attractive than Scanner Emily as Scanner Emily. Scanner Emily as Sarah Palin best of—from someone who grew up near my hometown—after the jump.

Eric [Redacted]
September 27 at 12:19pm
That pic of you is so hot and sexy. Just thought I would let you know

Emily Farris
September 27 at 12:21pm
That's a Photoshopped image of Sarah Palin, the dipshit Republican vice presidential nominee.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Eric [Redacted]
September 27 at 9:53pm
lol oh sorry. i didn't recognize her. oh well. i don't like her anyways

Um... at least he doesn't like her?

We also got an email from the woman who created this image. We'll interview her later this week and hopefully she'll photoshop our faces onto hot bodies, too.

Photoshop Me One More Time

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Which pop star has yet again been digitized to look like a totally "hot" version of herself for her new album?

You might have a hard time figuring it out even after you see the whole thing, but give it a try...

Britney's looking good these days! At least the Photoshopped Britney that's being used to promote her new album, Womanizer.

Okay. We're sure any woman's first hot cartoon is pretty fun. But Poor Brit. How is she ever going to learn to be a normal person, or love herself, or like herself when she keeps being replaced by more attractive cartoons? Hell, not even more attractive, just... skinnier. Much, much skinnier.

[The Sun via Jezebel]

Related:

We Haven't Seen Britney Spears This Animated in Years (Har, Har)

Sloppy Seconds: The Britney Comeback

That New Britney Spears Cartoon Video We've All Been Waiting For (Or Not)

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us.

Highs:

We learned to love Matt Damon. A little.

We helped spread some rumors about the Palin kids. And that was fun.

We did what we could to help the giant penis man.

We got super sappy over Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding video.

We just can't get enough Photoshopped pictures of Republicans.

We found the most ~~inappropriate~~ amazing slide ever.

We know what you're getting for Christmas.

We learned some new ways to talk about masturbation.

Lows:

Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan reminded us that yesterday was September 11. And then it got worse.

We learned the war on sex may last longer than the war in Iraq.

We were completely overwhelmed with nude pictures of Sarah Palin.

We saw our future flash before our eyes, and devised a plan to change it.

Minnie Driver still won't tell us who her baby daddy is. But we have some ideas on the subject.

We sold out on our local Fox station.

[Image]

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:14:00 GMT

We imagine that Rosie the Riveter (or Geraldine Boyle, the Michigan factory worker upon who Rosie was based) would probably not be so pleased that her image is being used to promote Sarah Palin, who many say is a woman not for women (and we sadly have to agree). As the ladies at Jezebel pointed out, it is nice to see her photoshopped into something other than a bikini, but to make us feel a little better about all of the undeniably sexist photoshopping gracing the blogosphere these days, we give you this user-submitted photo of John McCain.

[Deep Glamour: More Sarah Palin Photoshop Fun: Poster Repurpose]

[Jezebel: Palin Supporters Ask Area Teen To Help "Make A Photoshop"]

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

Hey, Don't Accidentally Make Kiddie Porn!

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

No Wonder Sarah Palin Wants Kids to Stop Reading Books

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:49:00 GMT

"What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" Sarah Palin asked at the RNC. "Lipstick." We disagree; she's more of a Spaniel or a Terrier, but nevertheless, this inspired the design geeks here at Nerve to put together this Pitbull With Lipstick image.

Our first thought: this is really sexist. Our second thought: this is really ugly. Our third thought: as much as we hate to admit it, this is kind-of hilarious, but they could have made her look a little prettier.

If you think you can do better, and perhaps paint Ms. Palin's Pitbull in a more flattering light, send your Photoshopped images to scanner@nerve.com. We'll post the best ones for you to vote on next week and the winner will get something good. Perhaps a spanking from Scanner Brian?

We Think That's Nikki Cox Behind Those Lips

Emily Farris — Mon, 19 May 2008 12:51:00 GMT

Ah! There are few things we hate more than Photoshopped celebrities. One of those things is constipation. The other is when a pretty woman injects things into her face that are supposed to make her prettier that really just make her less pretty... and a little scary. We can't even begin to imagine why any woman as young (30!!!) and attractive as actress Nikki Cox would do this to herself, unless she now has more sensation in her lips, or something. Even then, we'd opt for the sensation we already have.

Let's all take a few moments to remember Cox the way she was (however Photoshopped), around the time she starred in that show with the talking stuffed rabbit.

[Image, Image]

Today in WTF: Bend Her Into Beckham

Bryan Christian — Thu, 01 May 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Behold: the bizarre, overly Photoshopped majesty of Victorine Zeta-Beckham.

Which forces us yet again to ask: Seriously? People legitimately think looking like Posh Spice is a good thing?

[Photoshop Disasters via Jossip]

Hey, Don't Accidentally Make Kiddie Porn!

Bryan Christian — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Did you guys know that was even possible? It makes sense: you put the faces of minors on the bodies of adults being adult, blammo. You got kiddie porn. Maybe we just never thought of doing it and so, you know, the technicalities of the law in this instance surprise us a little. Hey, so, next time you start going crazy with the Photoshop, make sure that you know that everyone's legal or there could be hell to pay.

Not that this guy doodled in computer graphics or anything. He was just a straight up freaking perv. Oh, sorry: "freaking Sunday school perv."

A Sunday school teacher is accused of taking pictures of young church and youth group members and pasting their faces on sex images to create child pornography.

Police said Danny Parker, 38, who lives with his parents in Polk County, was arrested after a passerby found about 90 photos of young girls with missing faces in some trash at an egg farm located off of Highway 35-A in Dade City.

An egg farm? What was that guy into?

Piss-Poor Photoshoppers Add Third Arm To Beyoncé

Bryan Christian — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:14:00 GMT

We don't care how bootylicious you are; it's a tough look to pull off.

[Photoshop Disasters, via BoingBoing]

Previously on Scanner: When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:36:00 GMT

Swear to God, we were just watching ex-State, ex-Stella comedian Michael Ian Black on the CW's mildly underrated Reaper -- and now, here he is on the Interweb, desperately trying to get some validation from a girl he fingerbanged at summer camp. And her name is... Emily???

Dear Emily,

Oh my God! I just realized that when I said I "f-ed you" in my last letter, that easily could be read as "fucked you." God forbid your husband or lover (lesbian?) should read that! If that person IS reading THIS letter, I did NOT fuck your wife/lover. I just fingered her. I was just trying to be discreet about referencing it, which is why I used the initial "f" for "fingering." Total brain fart!

Wow, who knew Cracked.com did something other than listacles!

Multi-Hayden-ed Photoshopped Beach Shot Makes Scanner Brian's Gonads Explode

Bryan Christian — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 11:52:00 GMT

Not that we're actually standing next to him or anything; it's more of a guess, really.

Click through for full shot, and link to hi-res version.

[via (click for hi-res)]

Hot or Not: Madonna's Hard Candy?

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:41:00 GMT

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the cover of Madonna's upcoming album, "Hard Candy." Well, part of it, anyway. We're a little perplexed by the title; it seems more appropriate for Miley Cyrus. And Madonna looks younger than us in this image, and she's twice our age. Maybe she's covering up her laugh lines with the black cloth? But wouldn't they have just Photoshopped them out? And does she even laugh? Ah, we're so confused! Mostly because we want to know if a fifty-year-old woman's inner thighs really look like that? Really?

So... we're going with eerily hot in a she-might-fall-apart-when-you-bang-her kind-of way. What say you, Scanner readers?

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:07:00 GMT

I swore I wasn't going to bring this up, but after stumbling upon Photoshop Disasters today, I, Scanner Emily, actually have my own little bone to pick with the photo re-touchers at Time Out New York magazine. I, somewhat embarrassingly, was talked into appearing in the magazine's "Date Our Friends" feature a few weeks back and they photoshopped out one of my nostrils. I got over it, proved to the world I did, in fact, have both of my nostrils and moved on. But in this week's follow-up piece, they photoshopped out something much, much more important...

...one of my boobs! And we all know I already feel inadequate in that department. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the article isn't available online yet, so unless you, like us, have about seventeen free gift subscriptions to Time Out, you won't get to see Scanner Emily in all her Cyclops boob glory. But here's the nostril shot. You'd think they could have Photoshopped out my back fat and left my nostril where it belonged!

[Photoshop Disasters via DidntYouHear]

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:49:00 GMT

We don't know whether we should be offended or relieved that we don't look like this (we don't, do we? you'd tell us if we did, right?), but either way, we're amused. And because we're in Kansas City—which is in Missouri in case you've forgotten—and a reader sent us this, we're going to share "What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri." We will admit that many of these people resemble our friends and family members. In fact, Sarah Jessica Parker actually looks a lot like our mom.

[Images via PlanetHiltron.com]

(Thanks, Tony!)

Catheinize Zightly-Jeliens Hotter, M0re We1rdly Familiar Than Carlizina Jolectron

Bryan Christian — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A few weeks back, Scanner Nicole was quite rightly freaked the fuck out by a computer generated amalgam of foxy actress ladies. (Remember? She looked like an unattractive and skanky version of the in-reality-quite-adorable Polish goomar from The Sopranos?) Well, ScanNic, have a look at the creation of Catheinize Zightly-Jeliens, the bastard child of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Charlize Theron, Angelina Jolie, Keira Knightley, some sort of computer apparatus, and, one presumes, a deeply misused but potentially profitable knowledge of the tricks of the trade. We think she looks pretty good, actually. Actually, she kind of reminds us of someone... Who exactly could it be...

Guess that's not so surprising...

LiLo Deems "Hostel" Director "Too Old" For Serious Cruising, Forgets "Too Hacky"

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

(We thought about using that Marilyn picture of Lindsay, but darn it, aren't we all a little tired of that?)

Say what you will about torture porn auteur Eli Roth: the guy's at least got a sense of humor sometimes. Cabin Fever was a hoot, and so was his retelling of that time Lindsay Lohan deemed him too old to consider for whatever desperate, post-rehab hookup she might be after.

And to cap off the best week ever, I was having drinks with a friend at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, and Lindsay Lohan walked by our booth with a girlfriend, checking us out. She then went out to the bathroom, turned around, came back and walked by us again, and mumbled to her friend "too old," and kept walking. Now - she's absolutely correct - but it was still pretty fucking hilarious. Especially since we were in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel - where the average age is 97. If you look too old in there you're fucked! Time to hit the Botox!

P.S. Now I'm in bed with bronchitis from not getting enough sleep last week. Maybe Lindsay's right!

Can't wait till Lindsay Googles Roth, comes up with this, and thinks it's real. We smell a second chance!

[via IMDB and Defamer]

We Do Not Want to Meet Carlizina Jolectron in a Dark Alley

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:30:00 GMT

So, this is the perfect woman, huh? A computer generated combination of Angelina Jolie's hair and lips, Carmen Electra's eyes, and Charlize Theron's nose. These Photoshopping weirdos are treading into Michael Jackson territory. Some of this shit? Not OK. When people are hacking body parts from Fergie to illustrate female perfection, we are in trouble. How much trouble?

Bride of Frankenstein trouble.