Scanner : perverts

You Parents Were Right About Strangers With Candy

Colleen Kane — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Finally, one of the things your parents warned you about during childhood has come true. Some weirdo in a white van was offering candy to kids in a residential neighborhood in Utah via a sign. Inside the van? Not candy, but a mattress and clothes. Couldn't get much sketchier than that without the prevert himself lurking in there.

Outraged Utah moms contacted police straight away, who found that the perp was...

A college kid playing a prank. The young man was embarassed at the stir he caused, and even drove the van to the police station to show that has van was all de-pedophiled.

Related:

"To Catch a Predator" Actress Just Called Them "Pedophiles," Thank You Very Much

Teen Boy and His Friends Busted for Sending Nude Photos

Via

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Remember that red-state porn craze we told you about? Apparently, Utah pays for it more than any other state.

Typical: 16 people were arrested following violence at a concert held to promote non-violence.

Hayden Panetierre may be headed toward a nervous breakdown. Yeesh.

We don't get it. Why would the police want Craigslist to boot almost all of its erotic service ads? Isn't this just going to make it harder for them to catch illegal sex activities? Not that we're complaining... legalize everything!

Amy Winehouse's visa was denied, which means she can't perform at Coachella. Is this visa-denial shit still happening for harmless kooks thirty years after Hoover hounded John Lennon?

This Albanian sex scandal would've been worth a post if it hadn't been, you know, Albanian.

Does Eliot Spitzer have to choke a hooker? Apparently, yes... at least, according to the woman in this story, which also features a teasing P.S. about another Governor, not from New York, who was a client of the same madam.

Good Lord, is this weird: NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association-- you know, the pervs) tried to put a hit on New York State Attorney General, possibly the next Governor, for a mere $10,000.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

19th Century Women Stuck a Cork in It

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:43:00 GMT

Everyone's heard that urban legend about some girl from their high school and the hot dog. As ancient as that story is, it turns out that women have been inserting foreign objects into themselves much longer that that.

A two-volume set of books from 1880, "A Treatise on Foreign Bodies in Surgical Practice," has gone up for auction on eBay, and its list of objects found in women's vaginas shocked even us.

That list includes ("listed in order of frequence"):

Needle-cases.
Beer-glass.
Goblet.
Box of pomade.
Compass.
Tin cup.

Leech.

Piece of a glass syringe.

At post time, the auction, titled "EXTRACTION OF AN ALIVE LEECH FROM THE VAGINA" (there's an attention-grabber) was up to $46.

Woman Has Stillborn Baby After Putting Drugs In Her Vagina

Eve Ensler Celebrates "Vagina Day" in New Orleans

Via BoingBoing

Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

Mama Bear Made Fantasties Come True For Teen Boys

With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

Related:

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From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

Masturbation: "It's totally safe unless you're inserting food objects into yourself."

Today In Embarrassing Headlines: CNN's "Run, Drink, Vomit"

Today In Headlines We Werent Expecting

Today in Great Headlines: "Great tits cope well with warming"

Publix Parking Lot Blow-Up

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:31:00 GMT

This Florida resident, George Bartusek, acted like a grade-A freakazoid yesterday, grinding on and making out with two blow-up dolls in his car in a Publix parking lot. But as The Smoking Gun points out in the man's defense, he was fully dressed and not harming anyone. So what did the authorities get him on?

Breach of peace.

Huh. So FYI, be careful how you act in public(x) with your blown-up companions.

PETA and the Real Dolls

Sex Doll Crimes Of Passion: One Man Just Can't Get Enough

Teacher Shows Girls His Dick... In Class

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

Unlike Sting, this young teacher was not the subject of schoolgirl fantasy.

Crazy Cat Dude Jason Beaudry, a math teacher at Chicopee Comprehensive High School in Massachusetts, has been arrested after a January incident in which he showed three teenage girls, all of them underage, a picture of his pet.

What's wrong with that? Oh, we get it now... his other pet was in there...

According to the local news in the Holyoke area:

The case started in January when he allegedly invited three teenage girls back to his math class at Chicopee Comprehensive High School. There he showed the girls a picture of his cat on his cell phone, but as they scrolled through the pictures, the content changed.
"The second picture she scrolled through was the defendant, as well as an exposed penis," says Assistant District Attorney James Channing.

Boy Genius went on to ask the girls if they'd come to the "good pictures" yet, thereby eliminating the defense's argument that he never meant for them to see the peen pic. Next thing you know, as his attorney put it, the photo incident "went like wildfire through the school," leading to his arrest and his being placed on administrative leave. Keep collecting those checks, big boy, it's a long waiting list for a fast food job these days...

"The defendant would say, 'Wait until you're 18. If you came back after school I'd be in trouble...'" [CBS 3 - Springfield]

Too late, dumbass.

Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Facebook Full of Refugee Pervs From MySpace?

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:19:00 GMT

MySpace revealed today that they removed 90,000 registered sex offenders from the site over the past two years. But it's not like that can stop them from using social networking sites -- and where to go next? How about the social networking site that has profiles of everyone and their mothers: Facebook.

John Cardillo, a former NYC cop has the job of helping MySpace, Bebo and others identify sex offenders. One article says Cardillo calls Facebook a safe haven for these preverts. With an initial search, he's already found close to 8500 registered sex offenders on Facebook.

Facebook was not pleased with these accusations, and the above-cited article has already been updated twice with their responses:

"We have devoted significant resources to developing innovative and complex systems to proactively monitor the site and its users, including those not on a sex offender registry, for suspicious activity (such as contacting minors or users of predominantly one gender).
We also have established a large team of professional investigators to evaluate any reports of potential abuse, including those surfaced by our systems or from our users. We have been working proactively with states’ attorneys general to run their lists of registered sex offenders against our user base. Our team uses various internal tools to automatically find matches. Any potential matches are evaluated more fully by our internal team of investigation professionals.

If we find that someone on a sex offender registry is a likely match to a user on Facebook, we notify law enforcement and disable the account. In some cases, law enforcement has asked us to leave the accounts active so that they may investigate the user further."

Still, new parents might want to think twice before posting those baby and toddler pictures as viewable to the general public.

Related:

MySpace: Over, Sam and Lilo: Not

Blogger Reveals Facebook is 64% Female; Experience Reveals MySpace is 95% Jackasses

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

While You Were Sleeping: Morrissey Gets Naked For CD Sales

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

Careful when you decide to beat up a guy caught robbing someone's purse-- he may have been in the right.

Morrissey is butt naked!

The Flight of the Conchords are going on tour.

Next in Virtual Sex: The Real Touch Porn Device

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

Today in "The Sun Made This Up": Raccoon Bites Man's Manhood

Colleen Kane — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Scanner is turning into the Castration Station today, what with this story and Emily's post. But what do you expect from monstrous feminists?

So, the British rag The Sun claims that a drunk man was trying to have a go at a racoon. You know, the old raping-the-racoon trick? According to the story, the fiesty raccoon fought back, biting the man's penis.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," according to a pal of the man.

OK, here's a few reasons why this story seems dubious.

--Sex with a raccoon? Wouldn't this drunk man have to catch the raccoon first?

--The man in question, Alexander Kirilov, is conveniently Russian, making it difficult for English-only speakers to confirm the story. A Google News search leads to a handful of stories about this in Italian, Czechoslovakian, and Norwegian, but none in Russian.

--Anyone can alert The Sun to a story tip via text message. Anyone can text message from anywhere, including from a pub whilst pinted up.

On the other hand, here's a reason it could be true: people are dumb.

These Elderly Widows Like Old Movie Plots, the Good Life, and Murder

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

The Whole World Would Get Naked In The Rain For Spencer Tunick

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Last year, there were well over four hundred reported cases of teachers having sex with underage students. So, it should come as no surprise that we're starting to get two of these creeptastic tales per day...

1) A 24-year-old male music teacher, who shuttles between private schools in the boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, was arraigned yesterday for some disturbing sex crimes. Like, this-guy's-going-to-die-in-prison creepy shit. Amos Duque is accused of "five counts of promoting a sexual performance by a child, five counts of possessing a sexual performance of a child, one count of second-degree sexual abuse and one count of endangering the welfare of a child."

Good Lord, we don't even want to know what he did to earn these distinctive charges:

[Duque] allegedly gave his cell phone to the 11-year-old student on Dec. 20, 2008, and persuaded him – allegedly by offering him money – to go into the bathroom and take pictures and make a video of his penis and then later, to allow him to see and touch his penis, according to the complaint. Duque also allegedly referred the boy to pornographic Web sites on the Internet. [MSNBC]

~~Douche~~ Duque faces seven years in prison, but he almost wasn't arrested at all. His victim kept it bottled up and may have suffered for years, perhaps decades, had a friend of his family not noticed something was wrong and got the child to spill the beans.

2) In Lousleazyanna, our favorite state, another 24-year-old teacher, this time a female, has been arrested for unlawful carnal knowledge-- and no, she didn't molest Sammy Hagar. The victim is a fifteen-year-old boy who may have actually been a willing participant. We say this only because of middle school staffer Kendra Hoffpauir's second charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Correct us if we're wrong, but the charge can only be made if it was not a forced sexual encounter-- in other words, the boy would have to have been underage but also a willing participant. If she had been charged with sexual assault, then they would not have given her the second charge. No?

In any case, it doesn't really matter. The boy's parents found out (we always wonder how-- did the kid come home and tell them something horrible had happened to him or were the two caught in the act?) and the cops were called in.

Side note: We found out a little more about Miss Hoffpauir, thanks to social networking sites she belongs to. Hoffpauir is a 2006 graduate of a Baptist college and strongly supported Mike Huckabee in the primaries. Make of that what you will. Also, reports of this incident sparked a major outrage in the community, so much so that the local media grew concerned about a lynch mob or some renegade attack on the suspect.

I just wonder why the Leesville Leader pulled comment board for this article? When controversy errupts the Leader always yanks the boards, Its getting really old. Article had 6 comments this morning now they have completely removed all comments. Thanks Town Talk for putting the stories out and letting the people speak their minds. [Leader]

Another reader accused the Leader of allowing "Democrats" to "Sensor" the message board, which may be the only bright spot in this story...

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers Getting In On The Student Sex Craze

Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Teacher Takes In A 13-Year-Old Boy-- You Know What Happens Next...

Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

All Sara Dye, 27, wanted from Hooters was her job back-- or, if she couldn't have that, the unemployment benefits she was due under Iowa state law. However, her ex-employer fought her all the way through trial, desperate to prevent her from receiving the few hundred dollars (we're guessing) she was owed.

Not only that, but Dye hadn't done anything deliberate that warranted a sacking-- unless you count picking the Boyfriend or Husband From Hell...

Dye was hospitalized, battered and bruised, following several unspecified instances of "domestic abuse," according to The Des Moines Register. Dye met with the Davenport Hooters management and all parties agreed she was not well enough to work-- because of her appearance, of course. God forbid horny perverts see anything other than a bunch of flawless Barbie dolls worshiping at their feet, waiting for wings orders. In fact, it's written in the Hooters manual that a hostess (Dye's job) must maintain a "glamorous appearance."

When Dye was unable to heal fast enough, she was prevented from returning to work. When she asked another employee what the deal was, the employee told Dye she had been fired. Thankfully, a judge sided with the victim and awarded her the benefits. But, good Lord, was it worth it, Hooters?

Our handbook states you have to have a glamorous appearance. It doesn't actually say, 'Bruises on your face are not allowed.' It does talk about the all-American cheerleader look."

Sheedy said Dye could now resume working at Hooters, assuming she maintained a glamorous appearance.

"She told me that she was very badly beaten, she (had been) unconscious, she was in the hospital," Duvall said. "She was like, 'I really want to work next week. ...' I said, 'You need to come in and speak to Gina and let her see your appearance.'"

God bless America.

Related:

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Man Celebrates His 100th Birthday at Hooters

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

Arousal Brings Out the Creep in Many Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:10:00 GMT

We all know that alcohol can make men do stupid things. Now science has proven that boners are even worse for our judgment...

According to Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, a book by MIT professor Dan Ariely, in a new paperback edition, explores "Why Hot Is Much Hotter Than We Realize." We don't even know what that means, since we all but failed high school science classes. We'll let Professor Ariely explain, via a summation on The Book Outline Wiki page:

The author and his partner conducted a series of experiments on Berkeley students (no, not those sort of experiments, silly.) Asking them a series of questions-- first, straight; then, after the undergraduates had worked themselves into a state of arousal.

- The results show that people simply don't realize how different their decision-making is during a state of arousal. A few representative results
  - Can you imagine having sex with a 60-year-old woman
    - Sober: 7%
    - Aroused: 23%
  - Could you enjoy having sex with someone you hated?
    - Sober: 53%
    - Aroused: 77%
  - Is just kissing frustrating?
    - Sober: 41%
    - Aroused: 69%
  - Would you slip a woman a drug to increase the chance she'd have sex with you?
    - Sober: 5%
    - Aroused: 26%
  - Would you use a condom even if you were afraid that a woman might change her mind while you went to get it?
    - Sober: 86%
    - Aroused: 60%
- Implications
  - Someone may promise to just say no, but that promise is less likely to hold up during a state of arousal

Via Book Outline Wiki.

Tampon Man: The Craziest Craziness to Ever Crazy up the Internet

Colleen Kane — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

We at Scanner understand that it takes all kinds. But we at Scanner have not even begun the comprehension process after stumbling upon the following website, or as we like to call it, Blogging Gold. Tampon-Man's World appears to be a primatively constructed website written in Engrish and dedicated to, among other things, "using tampon without the purpose of menses...they may belong to your life style!"

As you may have deduced by the name, it's also written by a man.

But first, let's let the Tampon Man website get one thing straight: "This is not a porn and fetish site!" "However, do not tell anybody about this web site!"

From a review of a Japanese tampon:

"The applicater which succeeds in a very smooth operation, butstar type cut seen from the tip part front may make a beginner memorize an uneasy feeling.
Although it is a highly complete product, it is thought by the small porch that it is the size which is hard to store.
On the other hand, the water gun is resembled and, also comparatively, a child's toy will become."

Here is Tampon Man's review of an OB-type applicatorless tampon:

"It is an unexpectedly small main part.
The surface is finished firmly and its consideration of a delicate portion is desirable.
This article is an object for regular and is suitable for an ordinary quantity of the day.
By this maker, this day with little quantity, first beginner for directions, day with much quantity, and Super type of the sake night and for rests else are prepared."

As far as methods of insertion, Tampon Man says, "I think half-sitting is so popular."

Here's Tampon Man talking to tamponself: "When the Tampon-man went to neighboring drugstore to buy some tampon for sample, that cashiers were all young and cute girls!
My god! Tampon-man was so shy!!!!!
So the Tampon-man ran away from there, and went to distant drugstore...."

We could quote this all day, but see it for yourself. There's no way the site can be real. Or can it? Tampon Man's World's url is located in Japan, so maybe the translation is just really bad/good, and they are into freaky stuff over there, aren't they?

Perhaps the most revealing statement comes from Tampon Man himself: "I suffer troubles variously..."

Related:

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Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Hysterical Regis Philbin Tampon Commercial Buried In Otherwise Crummy SNL Sketch

Video of the Day: SNL "Annuale" Skit You Missed While Busy Changing Your Tampon

Hostel-Owning Perv Learns to Shut His Spy Hole

Colleen Kane — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 21:12:00 GMT

We didn't think it was possible, but hostel showers just got scarier. The owner of a New Zealand backpackers' hostel has been sentenced to 150 hours community service plus probation after filming female hostel guests as they showered.

That isn't even the most disturbing part of the tale.

Philip Anderson, 44, filmed women in the shower and on the toilet through a two-way mirror for a year before his conscience got to him, at which time he destroyed his archive. You know, all except for a two-hour highlight reel of 15 women which he would then watch along with a friend.

According to an article on a New Zealand website, "He watched the tape many times with his friend during pornography nights, says police prosecutor Tim Hambleton." Said friend has a history of very serious sex offenses.

We're just wondering (among oh so many other things), what the conversation was like when two degenerates watched the same naked lady reel for the 50th time.

Related posts:

Jim Beam Peeping Tom Ad Too Naughty, Even For Australia

Tanning Salon Peeping Tom Gives New Meaning to the Term "Phone Sex"

How The World Watches Porn Now

Image: Hulu.com

MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Pretend for a minute that you actually still use MySpace and care about its survival.

After a week that ended with the near vindication of the horrible woman who drove her daughter's enemy to suicide-via-MySpace, you'd be forgiven for just wanting Tom & Co. to pack up and shut the servers down. But you might want to reevaluate the validity of the world's #1 social networking hub in the wake of this hilarious "WTF?" story from California. Today's tale involves two pranksters, a creepy teacher, and the beauty of the internet...

In Petaluma, CA, a 34-year-old teacher named Scott Eugene Dietlin has been arrested for trying to get it on with Jackie, a 15-year-old girl. How did he get caught? It turns out that two local kids created Jackie's MySpace account just for fun, and "Jackie" is a figment of their imagination. When Dietlin deigned to send a message to the lovely young girl, he was met with what he thought was playful resistance. In actuality, the two guys were just having a laugh, seeing if this idiot actually kept contacting "Jackie."

When they realized he wasn't going to stop, the heroic fifteen-year-olds called in the five-oh... and when Dietlin showed up for his date... now has to say bye-bye to his job and, eventually, liberty.

MySpace might be good for something after all...

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

No Legal Remedies for "Upskirting" and "Downblousing"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Technology definitely progresses faster than the law and the perves are taking advantage of the loop holes. Snapping a picture with a cell phone up a woman's skirt ("upskirting" ) or down her blouse ("downblousing") has become a world craze. Japan now requires cellphone cameras to come with a shutter sound to announce a picture is being taken.

Salon reports:

A keyword search for "upskirt" on the photo-sharing site Flickr turns up 36,368 hits. One user has taken 48 candid shots of women's stockinged rears walking up stairs in the Paris Metro subway station. The vast majority of these photos, however, are not upskirts at all, but close-ups of women's body parts taken in public places like the subway, parks and street corners. Some Flickr members specialize in these types of shots, many with a particular area of expertise: breasts, bums, nipple slips, whale tails (the top of a thong peeking over the waist of a woman's pants), camel toes, legs or feet. Amazingly, one user has amassed 1,455 photos of disembodied, hastily framed shots taken with a cellphone camera of various body parts -- feet, breasts, butt and legs -- that could belong to any woman, really.

This is creepy and unsettling stuff that has yet to be resolved by U. S. lawmakers.

The question of where to draw a line between artistic street photography and fetishistic candids that reduce a woman to her toe cleavage is like that ever-unreliable definition of pornography: I know it when I see it. John Morris, general counsel for the Center for Democracy & Technology, puts the reality simply: "If you don't want to be photographed walking the street, don't walk down the street -- it's a public street."

It's a tough issue to define while respecting art and first amendment rights, but seriously, they can't figure out a better way to defend the privacy of an individual than, "don't walk down the street... " What are we, in Saudi Arabia?

In the meantime, watch out for the new cellphone sex operators.

Related:

Don't Ever Lose Your Cell Phone At A McDonald's

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

Photo/Salon

Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:40:00 GMT

The percentage of people trading sex for booze is on the rise in the U.S. and Canada, especially among former Brady Bunch stars.

Now a truly oblivious police department in Sweden wants to warn teens about trading sex for booze... as some guys would like to have sex with you in exchange for the booze. Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious...

Police in Stockholm, Sweden are concerned about what they perceive to be a rise in teenage girls offering their bodies to creepy men who are lurking outside liquor stores, hoping teenage girls will offer up their bodies. Police also say these teens are arranging sex by-- breaking news, people!-- text messages and a newfangled invention called the internet, which is apparently a ripoff of the Bulletin Board System.

Seriously, these cops are freaking out over one case in which a guy convicted of sexual harassment and for possessing child pornography bought three sixteen-year-old girls a stockpile of liquor and then brought them back to their place. No word on whether these teenagers (who were dumb enough to not rip the guy off and just take off running with their booze) were molested, but no matter...

Word to Swedish police: this practice has been going on since the advent of moonshine, and probably even before that. Telling teenagers not to do something only encourages them-- you should instead put up posters of very hairy older men saying, "Yes, we'd love to buy you a six pack... but you'll have to spend an hour in my World of Warcraft sex dungeon first." That should take care of the problem right quick...

Related:

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Bestiality Bust Is Our Favorite Swedish Sex Story Ever

Swedish Boarding School Initiates Sex Games For New Students

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:55:00 GMT

The Sun reports today on the case of a 46-year-old Perth, Australia mom (well, until they take the daughter away from her, of course) who allegedly videotaped a 29-year-old man having sex with the mom's thirteen-year-old daughter.

And the video might have stayed under wraps, had the man not blackmailed another woman, a victim of his internet stalking...

Cops allege the girl's mother was also involved in the video and will appear in court next week.
She faces 19 sex offence charges.
The man has appeared before magistrates accused of having sex with the 13-year-old and recording the acts.
The man has been charged with more than 150 counts of distributing child pornography and having sex with an underage girl and was granted bail today.

Good Lord, did some Billionaire put up an island as collateral? How the hell was his bail low enough that he was able to meet it? One hundred and fifty counts-- and this doesn't even include the stalking, it seems.

The crimes came to light when early last month police say they received a complaint from another woman who said she was being stalked on the internet.
Perth policeman Sgt Greg Lambert said: "An unknown person was sending her emails that contained naked pictures of herself in the shower."
"The woman was threatened that the pictures would be posted on the web if she reported the matter."

When the po-po dropped by the idiot perv's house to check his computer, they found his exploitative video and probably beat the shit out of him. At least, we hope they did... although, if not, we're sure his future inmates will know what to do with this creep.

Via the Sun and News.com.au.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Same-sex heart transplants are the just better. (We'll resist gay marriage jokes here.)

Justin Long: from Drew Barrymore... to Tila Tequila? We're glad neither are divulging the make-out details.

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's aide was arrested for... have you guessed yet?

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. [Wonkette]

Jamie Lyn-Sigler: glad she doesn't have any kids, not as hot as she used to be, still dull.

Russell Brand says not being gay gets him laid. And hopefully he's shooting blanks. (You'll see what we mean.)

There has got to be an explanation for these fetus cookies, but we don't even want to hear it.

How much does a $2,000/hour escort, such as Natalie, seen above, take home? Gawker has the answer.

CNN has photos of two of the three new planets just discovered outside our solar system. They resist Uranus jokes, unfortunately, and don't comment on the fact that the planets are named "b" and "c." Wow.

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Bestiality Bust Is Our Favorite Swedish Sex Story Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

We know Scanner Emily mentioned this yesterday, but it's way to good not to blog about in full.

A 45-year-old father of two was exposed by the Swedish newspaper the Expressen for running a bestiality ring that allegedly includes thirty members. But it's not the sex ring or the fact that a newspaper was the one to blow the lid off this thing (instead of the cops, that is) that caused us to sit up and drop our bagels...

Daddy who, thank God, is not married to the mother of those poor children of his, is a farmer (surprise) who owns dogs, horses, and an internet forum for bestiality lovers. Whoops. Somehow, the Expressen managed to infiltrate his underground harem and, after what must have been an unbearable couple of months, confronted the guy, who remains nameless-- because, well, you'll see...

But the man was quick to defend his relations with a bitch he bought online from a city-dwelling family who said they wanted the dog to have a better life in the countryside.

"Any of the times I did anything with her she was the one who backed into me and provoked it. She was in heat and made herself available. There were also times later when she didn't want to and then I backed out immediately," he told Expressen.

Now you see why we love this story? Who the hell does this guy think he is, with the "she seduced me" argument? Oh, right, he's a leader of a large bestiality ring in Sweden. Got it.

It gets worse/better, depending on how much you're sickened or appreciating this insanity? The Expressen's investigator was forced to sit through a regular group meeting, for which members brought a variety of animals to show off, as well as video recordings of their pets in... never mind. Barf.

By the way, the reason we, the Local, and the Expressen cannot name this name? No, it's not because he's innocent until proven guilty-- he's completely innocent, at least in the eyes of the law, since Sweden has no law against bestiality.

"Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog, in order to allow the dog to lick off whatever is spread on the genitalia?

"Should it be permitted to stroke a bitch's teats with love, or should it be classified as animal sexual abuse?" the minister wondered. [The Local]

Dude, that's the Minister of Agriculture talking. And you thought Sweden was awesome...

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How The World Watches Porn Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:14:00 GMT

Elmhurst, Illinois, you perverts!

Today, we were alerted to Internet Pornography Statistics, a website devoted to compiling mildly outdated info on how the world searches for porn.

Among its most interesting revelations: China makes billions more on porn than the United States does...

1) China made $27.41 billion from porn in 2006, while the United States made $13.33 billion. (The US still beats the Chinese in the per capita category by 17 billion dollars.)

2) These figures are striking:

Every second - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography

Every second - 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography [only 28K?!]

Every second - 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines

Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video is being created in the United States

...especially the part about every 39 minutes. Obviously, this doesn't include sex tapes, which are created every 14 minutes by celebrities.

3) The American city with the most searches for "porn": Elmhurst, IL, followed by Stockton, CA and Meriden, CT.

4) The top search phrase in the porn category was the word "sex." Surprisingly, "adult dating" was second and "porn" a distant third, with a 3% drop from 2005. We wonder what's #1 now? "Kim Kardashian ass," perhaps?

5) More females searched for the terms "Adult dating," "teen sex," and "free sex" than guys did. "Adult dating" and "adult sex" seem to be the search terms females use the most and the percentage of women in each category (18-24, 50+, etc.) spread almost evenly across the spectrum.

6) Guys and girls agree on a few things: the search terms "XXX," "Group sex," "Sex ads," "Sexy," and "Sex chat" were used almost evenly among men and women. There is some hope for us after all...

Read the rest here, via Internet Filter Review.

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Trick or Treat, Give Us Something Good to Eat

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:17:00 GMT

If you could give us one piece of Halloween candy tonight, what would it be, and why?

And when we say "candy," we really mean candy, pervert.

[Image]

What Kind of Sick, Psychosexual Experiment Is Going On at El Modena High?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 15:58:00 GMT

High school teacher Carlie Rose Attebury, a music teacher, was arrested after a sexual encounter with one of her male students.

Unfortunately, there's a lot more to this story than Attebury's alleged conduct and subsequent apprehension...

We're speechless on this one because, it turns out, Attebury is the third staffer to leave the school in bracelets in just five years:

Former Principal Brent Bailey resigned in February 2007 after a misdemeanor charge against him alleging lewd conduct in public. Bailey, accused of trying to engage in lewd activities at a park in Fullerton, pleaded guilty in June 2007 and received three years' probation.

Former band director Jason Cawelti was arrested on Dec. 5, 2003, on charges of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. Cawelti pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse and oral copulation of a person younger than age 18 in June 2004. He was sentenced to 180 days in jail and three years' probation, which he completed in June 2007.

Seriously, what's happening at El Modena High School in Orange County, California? If any school needs to be taken over by the state, this one is it...

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Thing #7,859 Not To F*ck: A Metal Rod

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

You would think it would be a woman (or, if was a guy, then a guy simulating some anal action) that would be the one to try having sex with a metal rod. As insane as the idea is, we'd at least relate to it if someone stuck a long, sturdy tube in their private parts... but only if those parts were the ass or the vagina...

...certainly not if they stuck a long, study tube anywhere else...

We heard about this story last night and thought for sure it would be retracted by now or at least updated to say that actually, the metal rod would turn out to have been used for some other purpose other than this...

"We didn't know what he was doing, but we knew it's not right to have your pants down in a park," says witness Jeff Niemeier.

On scene, deputies found 55-year old Larry Williamson sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis.

Sorry, but we cannot fathom this. The most painful experience of our lives was getting a routine STD test in which a (can't even type the word) was shoved inside (nope, can't finish the sentence either-- it was that traumatizing.) In our experience, nothing is ever, ever supposed to go in there and anytime it does... it causes excruciating pain of the most unimaginable order. Like being tied to a chair naked and getting whacked in the balls by a villain with some sort of eye disease. Yowch.

PS This guy has been busted for this before-- not the metal rod part, thank God-- and was found with:

binoculars, sex toys, male enhancement drugs, lotions, a small dog, candy and bags of cotton candy-things often used to lure children.

Good Christ! What the hell was he going to do with the small dog?! Never mind, the metal rod thing around caused us considerable emotional distress, we don't want to know any more...

Via WEHT.

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No Surprise Here: Democrat Who Defeated Mark Foley Is A Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Tim Mahoney, who only won his Congressional seat because Mark Foley's name was still on the ballot, is already in danger of losing it because of his own boneheaded sex scandal...

As we reported earlier, Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who defeated "Mark Foley" (another Republican would have taken Foley's seat had folen been re-elected) in 2006, is rumored to have cheated on his wife on multiple occasions... with a staff member. Oh, but it gets way better...

1) Mahoney, a married man, was campaigning on an ethics platform in 2006 when he met Patricia Allen and began having an affair with her.

2) When Allen recently discovered that Mahoney was having sex with other women (other than his wife, that is), she threatened to sue his dumb ass.

3) Mahoney agreed to pay the woman $121,000 to go away. Plus, he threw in a guarantee of two years of a $50,000 annual salary at an ad agency that was involved in his campaign.

4) When all this hit the press, Mahoney staffers denied it and said Allen resigned "of her own accord." Of course, they didn't comment on the allegations, all of which are (as yet) unproven.

Thanks a lot, Tim... Foley handed us the only chance we may ever have of turning that seat blue and you fumbled...

Photo via.

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Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Now that boob groping is available for the iPhone, can sex with our cell phones be too far off?

Seriously, yesterday we joked that since our Nokia phones tear hair off our heads when we're speaking on them, it makes sense that they could be equal if not better vibrator/shaver devices than the new vibrator combo. We didn't seriously think that cell phones could be sexual devices... until we saw this:

Well, you knew this was coming (that's what she said)... a Japanese blogger calling himself Technohippy has just introduced the third generation of an iPhone app he likes to call paiTouch (click here to see it in action). The "pai" is short for "oppai", Japanese for "breasts". I bet Steve Jobs never thought it would come to this; then again, he's the uber-geek, so who knows?

No, Inventor Spot, we did not see the iGrope or iBoobs "coming," as you so un-humorously put it. But we're not knocking you-- thank you for alerting us to this free device, which allows for groping while surfing boob pics on your iPhone's Safari browser. The question is, who would ever do this and why?

Of course, that shouldn't stop any of you from trying this out and reporting back immediately...

Via Inventor Spot.

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While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Jude Law's new girlfriend is posing nude for the upcoming edition of Playboy in France.

If this guy keeps winning elections, maybe there isn't any reason to vote.

A conservative Canadian mayor is finding out that just because those nude photos of her made headlines over five years ago, people are still going to bring them up when she runs for higher office. Uncensored photo below:

A man in Monticello, New York is in jail after asking a random thirteen-year-old girl if she would mind posing nude for his camera phone. The reason we're pointing this story out is this: he was apprehended after a bunch of passerby, who heard him propose the same setup to a (legal) woman, became an angry mob and chased him into someone's house.

Perhaps you've heard of them, but we haven't: several English celebrities are posing nude for charity.

Hear about that attorney who had his client pay off part of her debt by doing stripteases? Surprise-- he was a cheapskate.

Speaking of quid pro quo arrangements: a staff member of a Utah high school plead to a reduced charge in his beer-for-nude-photos-of-the-boys-who-wanted-beer scandal.

Detroit's City Council President is now the city's new Mayor, following his predecessor's sex scandal, jail sentence, and eventual resignation.

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Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Hey, just because R. Kelly was acquitted doesn't mean we should all run out and find jailbait to have sex with. More importantly, if we're dumb enough to do all that, we should probably not film the sex with our cellphone cameras.

Well, that's just what one 31-year-old Florida woman did... and was caught because she all but asked to be...

The Orlando Sun Sentinel, which is always fun of delicious insanity (that's probably where we got the story about the guy who robbed his next door neighbor's house and then decided to have a yard sale with all the stolen goods), reports on this dimwit:

Stacey Sheldon of Apopka was arrested Tuesday on charges of sexual activity and use of a child in a sexual performance. She told investigators that it was her idea to video tape their encounter with her phone, according to the arrest report.

Authorities were alerted after Sheldon had accidentally left her cell phone at another teenager's house. The 16-year-old victim told detectives that he met Sheldon in July. They had sex four or five times in various places, including his house and her home.

Let's just go over that again, shall we: you had sex with a 16-year-old boy. You decide, this would be something to videotape, let's film this sumbitchin' good time. Then, somewhere along the line, you decide it's not a big deal to just leave the evidence around for anyone to find.

Bye bye, Sheldon... see you in 40 years...

Via the Orlando Sun Sentinel.

	Every second* - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography*
	Every second - 28,258* internet users are viewing pornography* [only 28K?!]
	Every second - 372* Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines*
	Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video* is being created in the United States*