Scanner : penis pictures

PapSmeared: Jay-Z Protects the Family Jewels

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:04:00 GMT

"Sex and The City" Sequel: Mr. Big is Back!

Emily Farris — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:36:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Sex and The City fans rejoice! Chris Noth is on board. Sarah Jessica Parker, overlord of all things SATC, said so.

SJP also commented on Gilles Marini's involvement in the project. Turns out she could give less of a shit about that shirtless dancing fool.

Read more...

SATC Penis Guy's Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:33:00 GMT

This is Gilles Marini. Like us, you may not recognize the name Gilles Marini. In fact, you might not even recognize his face. But if you saw the Sex and the City movie you probably caught a glimpse of his sizable schlong. Or if you (unlike Scanner Brian) have been watching Dancing with the Stars, you might also have seen his junk—through his dance pants, of course. And you know what? Keep looking. Look all you want. Because his wife doesn't give a fuuuuck. In fact, she's not even worried that his partner is Cheryl Burke, who was rumored* to have been sleeping with her DWTS Season One partner, Drew Lachey. So, why is Marini's wife Carole so comfortable with her husband getting other women all hot and bothered?

Because “she’s French,” said Marini. “The more sexy it is [on the show] the better it is for her. Tonight she told me, ‘I saw that shaking booty stuff, you’re going to have to show it to me [at home].”

“Imagine if you do that job and you have a wife in the house or a husband in the house who is very kind of jealous and possessive, things would collapse,” he said in an interview with the website jenandbarbmomlife.com. “If I don’t have my wife at my side I have nothing. And so she is there pushing me and always kissing me and saying, ‘I am so proud of you.’”

Apparently, she pushes real good. The couple have been married for eleven years and have two children together.

[People: Gilles Marini Says Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

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*We are not trying to perpetuate this rumor, only acknowlede its existence.

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

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Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his PENIS) on the Verge of Falling Out?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were bemoaning the fact that we have to pay higher rates for car insurance because we're unmarried. According to the woman who helped us, insurance companies believe that married people are more responsible. We countered that we are, in fact, more responsible for not jumping into marriage in our early twenties and that we should be rewarded for taking the time to get to know ourselves, and what we want out of life, before starting a life with someone who may or may not be right for us. Unlike Ashlee Simpson, we didn't marry the first guy with a huge penis and guy liner who knocked us up. But because she did, she probably pays less for car insurance. But will her rates go up again when she divorces Pete Wentz and his penis? Because it's looking like things are headed that way.

Yesterday, the New York Post claimed the young couple's marriage just isn't working, and today the Chicago Sun-Times reports that friends of Simpson and Wentz think she is unhappy and he is bored.

Says one "friend": ”Ashlee thinks Pete doesn’t pay her enough attention and is out partying too much. He needs to work on their marriage more.”

Another says: ”Ashlee is feeling a bit neglected [by Pete] in recent weeks… Pete does seem kind of bored lately, and he doesn’t talk about Ashlee like he used to. The gushing has stopped.”

Here's hoping the kids work it out. We sort-of like them together.

[Faded Youth: PETE AND ASHLEE: FALL OUT COUPLE]

Related:

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

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PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz Has His Head Pubes 'Did

Teacher Shows Girls His Dick... In Class

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

Unlike Sting, this young teacher was not the subject of schoolgirl fantasy.

Crazy Cat Dude Jason Beaudry, a math teacher at Chicopee Comprehensive High School in Massachusetts, has been arrested after a January incident in which he showed three teenage girls, all of them underage, a picture of his pet.

What's wrong with that? Oh, we get it now... his other pet was in there...

According to the local news in the Holyoke area:

The case started in January when he allegedly invited three teenage girls back to his math class at Chicopee Comprehensive High School. There he showed the girls a picture of his cat on his cell phone, but as they scrolled through the pictures, the content changed.
"The second picture she scrolled through was the defendant, as well as an exposed penis," says Assistant District Attorney James Channing.

Boy Genius went on to ask the girls if they'd come to the "good pictures" yet, thereby eliminating the defense's argument that he never meant for them to see the peen pic. Next thing you know, as his attorney put it, the photo incident "went like wildfire through the school," leading to his arrest and his being placed on administrative leave. Keep collecting those checks, big boy, it's a long waiting list for a fast food job these days...

"The defendant would say, 'Wait until you're 18. If you came back after school I'd be in trouble...'" [CBS 3 - Springfield]

Too late, dumbass.

Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Doctor Sex is the New Teacher Sex

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:07:00 GMT

In this economy, we care less about grades (because who can afford college, anyway?) and more about taking care of our basic needs, like food, clothing, shelter and prescription drugs. So it was only a matter of time before we'd start to hear of people exchanging their most valuable natural resource (sex) for a basic human need (drugs). It's been happening on the mean streets for years, but now a Pennsylvania doctor has been arrested for violating the drug act. And, of course, sexting.

Dr. Samuel Krakow might not have had too much trouble getting laid. Sure, his hairline was starting to recede, but he was a doctor, a doctor! But instead of good, old-fashioned dating, or even trolling craigslist for sex, Dr. Krakow—perhaps sensing his patients' economic strain—employed the barter system.

In exchange for prescription drugs (Oxycontin!) Krakow offered his man junk, in person and over the phone. Unfortunately, one of his "patients" turned out to be a police officer:

Authorities say, in January, police conducted an undercover investigation in which Krakow engaged in lewd and sexual communications with an undercover officer, and offered to deliver prescription drugs in exchange for sex.

Investigators say Krakow also sent the officer a photo of his penis over his cell phone.

In addition, police say, Dr. Krakow provided the undercover officer with a phone number for his former place of employment so that the undercover officer could confirm his status as a doctor who could provide any type of prescription pills.

Police set up an undercover operation on January 30th, in which they say Krakow agreed to meet and deliver Oxycontin pills in exchange for various sexual acts.

Once the drugs were delivered, the drug task force moved in and Krakow was arrested.

[ABC Action News: Doctor accused of drugs-for-sex scheme]

Related:

Woman With the Best Perv Name Ever to Be Sentenced For, Well, Being a Perv

While She was Sleeping, Woman Got Herself in Another Fine Mess

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers Getting In On The Student Sex Craze

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Reader Round-Up: Penises, Pining and PDA

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 23:02:00 GMT

We get more emails from people we don't know than from people we do, which also means we receive a lot of shitty links. And more times than not, we regret opening most of them... just most of the links we open, that is; we don't actually open all of the emails (word to the wise: we're not going to blog about a restaurant in Brooklyn unless somebody got naked in the kitchen and sacrificed a very important body part to the meat slicer and if you send the same email to Scanner three times with three different greetings we get really annoyed). Sometimes, just sometimes, we get links that make us feel a little dirty, a little warm and fuzzy or a little heartbroken (in a good way). The best of last week's reader submitted links make us feel all those things and more.

Chaca's Penis Drawings
The gift for the person who has everything? The perfect item to fill that empty space on your bathroom wall? Whatever your penis drawing needs, Chaca has them covered.

From Chaca:

Hey hey homies at nerve! My name is Chacha Roux, the dick drawing chick from New Brunswick, and I draw penises and sell them for a ridiculously low price. Thought you pervs might enjoy... ;)

Heres my blog and my etsy. Spread the penis gospel!

Done spread, lady.

The Hug Me Club
We love hugs. We love hugs so much we've considered going to a Cuddle Party, but we always imagine that ending with inappropriate poking. An alternative might be the Hug Me Club, a website started by some guy named Kacper (or so he says) who loves hugs and wants other people who love hugs to wear bracelets saying so, so that when two people wearing the bracelets meet, they can hug and that will be that.

The Heartbroke Daily
Who doesn't love a good story about heartbreak? The Heartbroke Daily is a new-ish blog that follows the love life of Knox Dupree, a fictional character (whose ghost writer appears to be a happily married man) and the women who break his heart. A little sample:

Hannah’s nervous anxiety and my deep rooted depression combined to create the most pleasantly subdued relationship I’d ever experienced. It made me wonder why I’d spent so many years chasing after banshees, hell bent on destroying me. After six months, though, I started to notice a change in Hannah. She was less reserved, more confident. When we went out for drinks with friends, she didn’t just listen quietly, but started injecting herself into conversations. I picked her up for dinner and she wore a strapless dress, a revelation for us both. She even got me to take her out dancing on her birthday, a very unusual request for a chronic wallflower.

It finally began to unravel, when, one night, she confessed that she had recurring fantasies about being unfaithful to me. We were close enough to reveal this sort of inner thought, but still I was stunned. All I could think to say was “I’d prefer if you didn’t cheat on me, but if you really have to, please don’t let me know about it.”

Do you make/do/have something good we should be writing about? Send it in. But it better be good, damnit.

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Caption This: Madonna Finally Learned How to Play the Guitar

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:09:00 GMT

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Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Seth Rogen Dipped His Toes in the Sea of Porn, Decided to Go For a Swim

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Seth Rogen must have had a little too much fun making Zack and Miri Make a Porno (which we haven't seen but our mom just loved), because he's now trying to develop a "porno-based" comedy for Showtime.

Rogen and production partner Evan Goldberg are developing a comedy series for the pay cabler about three twentysomethings who learn about life and love while running a pornography shop.

Rogen and Goldberg will exec produce the as-yet untitled project.

Matthew Bass, who is credited as an assistant to both comedy filmmakers on "Pineapple Express" and "Superbad," will pen the script and co-exec produce.

Wow, what a departure from everything else Seth Rogen has done!

But really, who are we kidding trying to make fun of this guy? We'd do him in a second....

[Variety: Rogen, Showtime team on comedy]

Related:

Trailer: "Zach and Miri Make a Porno"

Does Katherine Heigl Think Judd Apatow is "Sexist?"

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You'll Never Complain About Your Tiny Penis Again

Emily Farris — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:36:00 GMT

Okay, that's not true. And we can't believe we actually sat through this entire video, but slightly-amused misery loves company, so here you have it, ladies and gentlemen: what it's like to have the world's largest dick.