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Transgender Marriage Struck Down By the Great State of Tennessee

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:08:00 GMT

In November 2007, a man and a woman walked into county clerk's office in Davidson County, Tennessee. Both had driver's licenses identifying them as "opposite marriage people"-- or, in logical land terms, a man and a woman. They were quickly married and promptly forgotten about by the state...

...until this past March, when a woman named Jo T. Rittenberry was arrested in a different county for assault and fraud. The police determined that she was actually a man and notified the state's marriage board, which this month invalidated the marriage from November 2007. In their announcement to the press, the state said that it doesn't matter if Rittenberry is male or female-- she was born a male, and thus this was a same sex-marriage, which is illegal...

While we strongly disagree with the judgment by the state-- there are more both-sex babies born in this world than people know and there's no valid reason to stop a gay marriage in the first place-- it couldn't have helped that Rittenberry, well... didn't really have sexual reassignment surgery, at least not successfully:

Rittenberry was born a man but identifies as a woman and claims to have had sex reassignment surgery. Although Rittenberry's Tennessee driver's license and Kentucky birth certificate say "female," both the Montgomery County Jail and the clinic where Rittenberry claims to have had surgery insist that Rittenberry is still biologically a man. [The clinic claims no operation was performed, according to the AP.]
"The marriage is real to me," Rittenberry said in a jail interview. "I could care less about the system. I just wanted me and Jeff to be together. He wanted to marry me and I said 'yes.'" [Leaf Chronicle]

Meanwhile, there's this story out of China:

Fu Shitou met Wei Jinhua through his sister-in-law and eventually the two got married. Recently, after three years of marriage, the couple had a doozer of a fight and Wei stormed out. Wei wandered the streets of Zhechuan in China until, by a series of unfortuate misadventures, she was picked up by police and strip searched! Hmm, that’s when the police discovered Wei was a he and not a she! Oh dear, I don’t know who broke the news to Fu but he was just as surprised as the police. Fu later confessed he had never had sex with his wife. OK, surely the fact that the toilet seat was never down…???? [Friggin' Loon]

Yes, if you're not going to ever consummate the relationship, you should at least peek at her when she's in the shower to find out for sure...

Seriously, though, we don't know what to make of either of these stories... more via the Nashville Post.

Australian Family Association in Desperate Need of Vibrators

Christian Gay Porn Star Going to Hell, But First Will Be Really Really Internet-Famous

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Desperate Living

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:24:00 GMT

Holly Madison rebounded from Hugh Hefner with... Russell Brand?

We have to agree: this or any other ad for the pill is going to piss off the stuffy-butthole-people.

A quick thinking teenage boy saved his 4-year-old sister from being kidnapped when he actually raced after and caught up to the truck she was being driven off in.

Another teenage boy, who needs to spend more time thinking, is going to jail for setting another guy's dick and balls on fire.

This is gonna be grand: Martin Scorsese is making a movie about Sinatra.

Elton John was there for Eminem in his hour of need, helping him through the painful process of rehab.

Emily mentioned this yesterday: Shanna Moakler resigned from the pageant board following yesterday's press conference on Carrie Prejean. Did you know that she was also Miss USA and a Playboy centerfold? Hmmm...

The marriage bra is... uh... useless? A major turnoff? Creepy? Stupid? All of the above and more?

Lindsay Lohan's house is in such shit shape, complete with garbage everywhere, that the police thought it had been ransacked when they responded to a tripped alarm.

Related:

New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Gunning Lesbian

"You Traitor Pig!"

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Do You Like... Jumbo?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.

Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys...

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

My New Favorite Website: Sex Advice With All the Inaccuracies of Yahoo Questions

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Son of the Montauk Monster!

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

Most Bizarre Stakeout Ever Ends in Penis Severing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:02:00 GMT

You would think the most bizarre thing about a woman biting off her boss's penis would be the part where the woman bites off her boss's penis.

You obviously haven't been reading Nerve for very long...

An unidentified 30-year-old female in Singapore will probably never give oral again-- and her boss never receive it-- after this disturbing incident. While the married lady was going down on her superior in a park car, a van crashed into them, similar to that scene in The World According to Garp where the cheating wife is blowing her young student and Robin Williams pulls into the driveway and... ow.

The most bizarre part of the story is that the lovers were found by the private detective that was spying on them on behalf of the woman's husband.

The woman ran from the scene screaming, her mouth covered in blood, but ultimately accompanied her man (no, the other one) to the hospital, where he was treated but probably not fully repaired.

Via Metro.

Related:

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We Missed Out on National Penis Day 2009

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

We Missed Out on National Penis Day 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Damn it, tipsters, you're supposed to keep an eye out for all the bizarre news coming out of Japan. It's no easy task, we'll admit, since the rate of crazy news to "Beavers Build Dam in Creek"-type boring news is probably 50,000-to-1. But those of you pervs who scour the pages of various websites looking for words like "peen" and "wangs" to amuse yourselves should have caught this one...

Culled from various reports:

National Penis Day. Also called Hounen Matsuri.

When I asked a Japanese friend of mine why we don't deserve one here in the United States, he told me, in America, they call them Politicians instead of a Penis. It figures.

Every year a new wooden phallus is carved from a cypress tree that has been purified. The newly carved phallus will then be the main focus of the procession that at its end will be placed into a shrine.

Thought to be benefical by by many Japanese and obscene by many Westerners, Hounen Matsuri is held on March 15th every year in the small town of Komaki, which is just outside of Nagoya.

This Hounen festival and ceremony, which has been going on for around 1500 years, celebrate the blessings of a bountiful harvest and all manner of prosperity and fertility and the all are welcome.

Here's a link to some of the more bizarre photos... or check out our favorites below:

On top of that, we also missed the more-recent National Penis Day in New Zealand, which is much less "National" and more like "radio station gimmick." It turns out a DJ tried to raise awareness/money for charity by having naked people strip in public and form phallic symbols.

More Crap From Japan That We're Losing Our Sh*t Over: The Kung Fu Bear

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

PapSmeared: Jay-Z Protects the Family Jewels

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:04:00 GMT

[Image]

"Sex and The City" Sequel: Mr. Big is Back!

Emily Farris — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:36:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Sex and The City fans rejoice! Chris Noth is on board. Sarah Jessica Parker, overlord of all things SATC, said so.

SJP also commented on Gilles Marini's involvement in the project. Turns out she could give less of a shit about that shirtless dancing fool.

Read more...

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

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Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

Back in February, we advised you to vote for PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door 2009. There were loads of hot men and women in the running, many of them pictured in their underwear with bulges or major cleavage-- but thankfully, never both.

The ~~People Eating Tasty Animals~~ People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals have finally announced the winners and they're not who we expected...

As you may recall, we nominated the following gals: Alexia from New York City; Amy from Port Angeles, WA; Brooke from Ogden, UT; Giselle from Miami, FL; and Sunny from North Hollywood, CA.

Sadly, our advice was ignored and the winner is...

There's nothing wrong with Amber-- nothing wrong, that is, unless you're disappointed that PETA, supposedly secretly a feminist hive, prefers blondes. How original. (Okay, really, we were just rooting for Sunny to take the top prize...)

Amber, a [Minnetonka] Minnesota native, decided to go vegetarian after reading the book Skinny Bitch and doing research on making the switch, and she's thrilled with the results! In addition to feeling stronger both mentally and physically, she loves knowing that her carbon footprint is smaller, thanks to her vegetarian diet. Amber is the very proud guardian of several rescued animal companions, and she spends time volunteering for the Minnesota Boxer Rescue. She even lets her love for animals carry over into her work as a photographer. Check out the cute companion animal gallery on her Web site to see for yourself! Amber's major turn-ons are confidence, bad boys who have a heart for animals, tattoos, and creativity.

By the way, the winner for the Sexiest Male Vegetarian Next Door is... Monty.

Monty, 33, [of Los Angeles, CA] initially switched to a vegetarian diet for health reasons, but after he learned how factory farming affects animals and the environment, his convictions were reinforced, and he recently went vegan! Monty owns a visual-arts firm, and his photos capture the essence of a wide variety of timely issues, including President Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Monty shares his home with Zeus, a Chihuahua he took in after he found him wandering on Hollywood Boulevard. Monty considers analytical minds and compassionate hearts to be turn-ons and is turned off by people who aren't open-minded. He loves to travel and will soon retrace the steps of the man who discovered the North Pole.

Both win separate trips for two to Hawaii. One has to wonder what all the Hawaiians in the running were in it for...

Via PETA.

Related:

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

FYI, Leslie Out-Nakeds the Naked Cowboy

Cloris Leachman Wears Only Cabbage for Her PETA Ad

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

At Least Amy Winehouse Has Good Taste in Underwear

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

SATC Penis Guy's Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:33:00 GMT

This is Gilles Marini. Like us, you may not recognize the name Gilles Marini. In fact, you might not even recognize his face. But if you saw the Sex and the City movie you probably caught a glimpse of his sizable schlong. Or if you (unlike Scanner Brian) have been watching Dancing with the Stars, you might also have seen his junk—through his dance pants, of course. And you know what? Keep looking. Look all you want. Because his wife doesn't give a fuuuuck. In fact, she's not even worried that his partner is Cheryl Burke, who was rumored* to have been sleeping with her DWTS Season One partner, Drew Lachey. So, why is Marini's wife Carole so comfortable with her husband getting other women all hot and bothered?

Because “she’s French,” said Marini. “The more sexy it is [on the show] the better it is for her. Tonight she told me, ‘I saw that shaking booty stuff, you’re going to have to show it to me [at home].”

“Imagine if you do that job and you have a wife in the house or a husband in the house who is very kind of jealous and possessive, things would collapse,” he said in an interview with the website jenandbarbmomlife.com. “If I don’t have my wife at my side I have nothing. And so she is there pushing me and always kissing me and saying, ‘I am so proud of you.’”

Apparently, she pushes real good. The couple have been married for eleven years and have two children together.

[People: Gilles Marini Says Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

[Image]

*We are not trying to perpetuate this rumor, only acknowlede its existence.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

[Image, Image]

Advertising Event Promotes Full-Frontal Nudity As Business Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

For the past several months, we've been reporting on the advertising industry's desperate descent into nudity-focused marketing campaigns. Normally, we would applaud any stripping away of censorship, but marketing agencies have always pissed us off by cynically co-opting all up-and-coming movements, milking them, and so oversaturating the mainstream with their ideas that even outsiders want nothing to do with what they once loved. (Case in point, graffiti-- once Madison Avenue realized hip kids "dug" that fresh style, everything in the 1980s had that awful, fake "tagged" look. Now we want to vomit anytime anyone mentions "taggers.")

Luckily, in Austria, people have a healthier attitude toward the nude form. Of course, that won't stop advertisers from having an event specifically geared toward nudity in hopes more people will pay attention...

We better let the website itself explain their 21st century ideas:

XIPAX - Show us your best bits.
XIPAX.com gives creative people the chance to present their ad campaigns – and of course their best work. The key message of the campaign: Show me yours and I’ll show you mine. The idea: double meanings that encourage people to show off their best work, but also hint at showing oneself in the nude. The kick-off for the campaign: a guerilla promotion at the annual gala hosted by Creativ Club Austria (CCA).

Why they have to do this naked is beyond us-- just sounds like another gimmick. But the video is mighty entertaining... watch as a guy comes up to the stage, drops trou, and holds up a sign promoting XIPAX. How many years before Valtrex tries this at a Dodgers game?

NOTE: We could not embed the video after all, so click here to see the multiple naked people...

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Sasha Grey Completely Naked in New American Apparel Ad

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:00 GMT

We don't watch TV. Period. We download Breaking Bad, watch 30 Rock online, and sneak over to the neighbors when Weeds is airing new episodes. Other than that, there's really no reason to ever turn on the television for anything but DVDs or Nintendo.

But we kind of wish we'd seen this broadcast of Dancing With the Stars because we'd like to think we would have caught it before Deadpsin did...

And the detail that censors missed:

That Johnson (no, the other one) belongs to Marc Ballas (no pun intended), who is suddenly the most famous member (no pun intended) of this pair (really, this is unintentional.) As Deadpsin notes, Shawn is not exactly thrilled with this week's developments-- first, some crazy guy may have tried to kidnap her; then, the above image, which is all anyone wants to talk about from her performance.

Then again, she should have said something to Marc-- doesn't she know what that kind of fabric will do to a guy's Johnson and Ballas?

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

The Tale of the Penis Thief

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

Related:

Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

TSA Shows Some T&A

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

Hasn't the Transportation Security Administration embarrassed us enough by smelling our stinky shoes, emptying all the expired condoms out of our pockets, and pretending to throw away our open containers of beer (which, no doubt, they keep in a separate "recycling bin")?

Apparently not. You're gonna love how much tits, ass, peen, and whatnot the baggage screeners are going to get a glimpse of if these new X-ray machines are put to use...

The first two images are of a female (note the glorious X-ray boobies), while the right two images are of a male (note that weiner.) Here's a detail:

Believe it or not, this doesn't violate our no-genitals policy because, well, we got these from a legitimate news source, via Twitter, the world's finest news source.

By the way, if you want to avoid having one of these TSA searches, don't fly out of the airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, the only place these New World Order strip searches have gone into effect.

Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

[Image]

Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his PENIS) on the Verge of Falling Out?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were bemoaning the fact that we have to pay higher rates for car insurance because we're unmarried. According to the woman who helped us, insurance companies believe that married people are more responsible. We countered that we are, in fact, more responsible for not jumping into marriage in our early twenties and that we should be rewarded for taking the time to get to know ourselves, and what we want out of life, before starting a life with someone who may or may not be right for us. Unlike Ashlee Simpson, we didn't marry the first guy with a huge penis and guy liner who knocked us up. But because she did, she probably pays less for car insurance. But will her rates go up again when she divorces Pete Wentz and his penis? Because it's looking like things are headed that way.

Yesterday, the New York Post claimed the young couple's marriage just isn't working, and today the Chicago Sun-Times reports that friends of Simpson and Wentz think she is unhappy and he is bored.

Says one "friend": ”Ashlee thinks Pete doesn’t pay her enough attention and is out partying too much. He needs to work on their marriage more.”

Another says: ”Ashlee is feeling a bit neglected [by Pete] in recent weeks… Pete does seem kind of bored lately, and he doesn’t talk about Ashlee like he used to. The gushing has stopped.”

Here's hoping the kids work it out. We sort-of like them together.

[Faded Youth: PETE AND ASHLEE: FALL OUT COUPLE]

Related:

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz Has His Head Pubes 'Did

FOXNews Editors Can't Quite Bring Themselves to Use the Word "Penis"

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:51:00 GMT

At least not in headlines, anyway. Remember that huge PENIS that some PENIS drew on his parents' roof? You know, the PENIS pictured above? Well, a few days later FOXNews finally picked up the PENIS story, but they couldn't quite bring themselves to actually use the word PENIS.

Don't they know they'd get so many more hits if they actually used the word PENIS in the headline?

Related:

Riches are Wasted on the Rich

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

China's Last Eunuch

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Sun Yaoting, the last livijng euneuch in China, was living history when he died in 1996. Thirteen years later, his biography is finally coming out, and it reveals things like the sex lives of eunuchs and their emperor, the castrations performed at home, and the resulting incontinence.

Sun cried to his amateur biogapher only when recalling his castration and the time when the pickled remains were later thrown away. He became a eunuch to gain acces to the emperor's Frobidden City, in hopes of avenging stolen property and the buring of their home by a landlord. The description of Sun's home castration is not for the faint of heart or stomach.

His desperate father performed the castration on the bed of their mud-walled home, with no anesthetic and only oil-soaked paper as a bandage. A goose quill was inserted in Sun's urethra to prevent it getting blocked as the wound healed.

OK, that's enough about that. It took him two months to be able to leave his bed, when he discovered the emporer he intended to serve had abdicated.

HIs biographer told Reuters, "He never became rich, he never became powerful, but he became very rich in experience and secrets."

So depressed now.

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Funny Last Names Like Wang On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

Here's a headline we can all appreciate: "Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise."

Normally, a story like that never tops its opening lines, but there are a few glorious quips in here...

A comparison of the 2008 population - using data from a variety of sources - with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls... has fallen by more than 50 per cent.

David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. "'Bottom' names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft' meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name."

So, wangs are on the rise, cocks are shrinking, and balls are hanging at the lower end. Makes sense, sorta.

From the comment section of the Australian, which becomes a word association game featuring places and names of the bathroom-humor variety:

-Being a Hater, I was always teased as a child. Moving to Australia meant I had to call myself Oswald instead of Ozzie for obvious reasons. People still wind me up a bit - but I think it's made me a stronger person.
-Heard of a guy named Bill Stinks, who got teased and laughed at all his young life until he learned in high school that he could change his name by deed poll once he turned 21 years of age. After another 8 years of humilation Bill turned up at the deed poll office right on opening to change his name. He is now called Robert.
-My Grandmother's surname was Winterbottom which got her the nickname 'Frosty Bum.' I'm glad I didn't inherit that surname.

Our parents had a friend called Becky Butts. Our first reaction upon learning this: "And we thought we hated high school."

-Were you aware that in the middle of the last century there were two law firms in Britain that were named respectively 'Glass, Cock and Balls" and "Phibbs and Lyes".

No, but we have retained their services from time to time.

-Try the place names in Britain: I once worked at Braintree, and I once drove past Crinkley Bottom on the way to Cockshoot.

Via the Australian.

Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

The Tale of the Penis Thief

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Hurling anything at a police officer is never a good idea. Hurling a five-foot-long inflatable penis at a police officer's horse? While probably harmless, and not as cruel as, say, a hard plastic dildo, it's still not a good idea.

A man was arrested in Wichita, KS was arrested and charged with battery on Sunday morning after he did just that.

The man was accompanying a group of women on a “Bachelorette party” when two officers on horseback spoke to the group. The man, who had previously been “joking around” with the penis thought it would be funny to hurl it at an officer, but missed and hit the horse instead, spooking the horse.

According to local reports, police arrested the man on suspicion of battery of a law enforcement officer, in this case, the horse. As this occurred, the sister of the man grabbed the officers arm, so she got arrested as well.

But because there’s always more, another woman in the group was arrested when she struck the horse’s head, although what isn’t clear is the why. What we do know is that the horse stood on the woman resulting in injuries that required medical attention, but we don’t know if that happened before or after she struck the horse. To twist the line from Over the Rainbow, you most definitely are in Kansas.

[Inquisitr: Man charged with battery for attacking a police horse with a 5ft long penis]

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Dick Arrested For Pulling Dick Move

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Here's a pop quiz question for you: if your name is Jonathan Dick... and you're a physical education teacher at middle and high schools... what have you been arrested for?

43-year-old Jonathan S. Dick, a resident of the great and now decidedly ashamed state of Maryland, has been arrested for attempting to corrupt a fifteen-year-old boy, who was not one of his students. Dick met the unidentified boy on the WWW, then spent several weeks trying to seduce him via "sexting." According to the boy's parents, Dick didn't put his dick anywhere it doesn't belong, at least not when it comes to their son.

Nonetheless, Jonathan's Dick faces 10 or 20 years in prison, depending on which Baltimore-area news source you believe. Either way, they agree that he's being charged with soliciting sex with a minor.

In an unrelated story, Dick Cheney called a press conference yesterday to remind people he is still available for lampooning.

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This Belly-Button Ring Gives You a Total Boner

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Belly-button rings have been known to cause arousal (of the sexual kind) in some people, but how often does it cause the wearer to "rise to the occasion"? When you have this:

Read more...

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama In Big Trouble

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Scanners Brian, Emily, and Colleen were at the Bust Party at SXSW last night, during which Dinosaur, Jr. made a surprise appearance. Needless to say, blogging will be slow this morning, with more activity later on...

The man himself-- Bruce Springsteen-- did The Daily Show.

This guy didn't realize everyone on the train he was supposed to be operating could see his penis.

Unfortunately, most of the spectators probably enjoyed this "catfight," in which boobs were bared.

We missed out on the news that PETA celebrated St. Patrick's Day in their own special way.

We heard about the topless bar in Austin that was busted for featuring a sixteen-year-old girl.

Seth Rogen calls his own back hair "glorious."

Barack Obama needs to stop making jokes. About anyone and anything-- it's making him sound more out of touch than Al Gore.

And right-wing crazies at WorldNet Daily believe teens are drinking poison to induce abortions. What do you think?

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

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