Scanner : penguins

Gay Penguins Stealing Eggs From Straights

Colleen Kane — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:07:00 GMT

So, a pair of homos in the penguin community just wanna be parents, is that so wrong? We liberal media types at Scanner say no. What is wrong is their methods of obtaining the eggs...

Basically the 'mos go up to to a straight penguin, then gank some eggs while leaving stones in their place. We assume they are also whistling casually all the while.

What would Bob Saget say!? Stay tuned for Farce of the Penguins 2.

Video of the Day: Gays for McCain

This Week In Gayness: Sex Lives of the Gay and Famous

Image: studio2628.files.wordpress.com

Caught on Tape: Seal Molesting a Penguin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We should probably first make it clear that we're talking about a seal, not Seal the singer.

A young male Antarctic fur seal was caught on tape trying unsuccessfully to have sex with a king penguin for at least 45 minutes. While it may not seem so strange at first, it is considering that as far as scientists are aware, this is the first known example of a sexual escapade between a mammal and another kind of vertebrate, like a bird.

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," [researcher Nico de Bruyn, a mammal ecologist at the University of Pretoria in South Africa] recalled today via email.

The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled, rapidly flapping its flippers and attempting to stand and flee, without luck.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

The seal then abruptly gave up, moving to sea and completely ignoring the target of its affections. The penguin apparently did not suffer any injury.

We're glad the little guy was okay and we hope he has a good support system to help him deal with this traumatic experience. If anyone has seen the seal, who is 240 pounds with brown fur and long whiskers, please report him to your local precinct. Do not attempt to restrain him yourself; he is very dangerous.

[MSNBC: Seal caught on tape molesting a penguin]

[Image, Image]

This Week in Gayness: American Idol Is Queer

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:40:00 GMT

THIS WEEK IN GAYNESS

March 6, 2008:

The gay penguins book is back on elementary school bookshelves.

Soap opera fans are apparently so into gayness they'll raise a whole heap of stink when they don't see more of it.

"Do me a favor," coos Buffy the Vampire Slayer to her naked lover in a new comic, "Don't mention this to anyone." Scanner Bryan has more.

NASCAR is picking up some non-straight white male supporters, thanks in part to star driver Evan Darling. Seriously-- a gay man named Evan Darling? We didn't see his "coming out" coming, did we?

Great Britain is withdrawing three specific gay porn titles after questions were raised about the risks of unprotected sex. Jeez-- welcome to the 1980s, slowpokes.

Canada and the UK want to bump off homosexuals by deporting them to awful places like Iran, Malaysia, and Kansas City.

Canada is sure to welcome this tour: Cyndi Lauper, the B-52's and... Rosie O'Donnell?

Is America ready for a gay "American Idol"? Apparently, America has forgotten everything it never knew for sure about Clay Aiken.

As promised, the scary-ass video about the 2nd Amendment. It's by open-minded, Jesus-loving, open-armed, sweethearted gay bashers:

Anti-Gay Video From Your Friends At Focus On the Family

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:45:00 GMT

The anti-gay rights movement is still beating that whole talking point to death. You know the one: "Gay marriage, yuck. What next, my sister can marry my dog?" Yeah, that angle.

Now the fire and brimstone folks at Focus On The Family have released a video basically saying after gay marriage comes, um, children growing up to marry gay penguins? In any case, their humor is lost on us.