Scanner : park sex

Thing #7,859 Not To F*ck: A Metal Rod

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

You would think it would be a woman (or, if was a guy, then a guy simulating some anal action) that would be the one to try having sex with a metal rod. As insane as the idea is, we'd at least relate to it if someone stuck a long, sturdy tube in their private parts... but only if those parts were the ass or the vagina...

...certainly not if they stuck a long, study tube anywhere else...

We heard about this story last night and thought for sure it would be retracted by now or at least updated to say that actually, the metal rod would turn out to have been used for some other purpose other than this...

"We didn't know what he was doing, but we knew it's not right to have your pants down in a park," says witness Jeff Niemeier.

On scene, deputies found 55-year old Larry Williamson sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis.

Sorry, but we cannot fathom this. The most painful experience of our lives was getting a routine STD test in which a (can't even type the word) was shoved inside (nope, can't finish the sentence either-- it was that traumatizing.) In our experience, nothing is ever, ever supposed to go in there and anytime it does... it causes excruciating pain of the most unimaginable order. Like being tied to a chair naked and getting whacked in the balls by a villain with some sort of eye disease. Yowch.

PS This guy has been busted for this before-- not the metal rod part, thank God-- and was found with:

binoculars, sex toys, male enhancement drugs, lotions, a small dog, candy and bags of cotton candy-things often used to lure children.

Good Christ! What the hell was he going to do with the small dog?! Never mind, the metal rod thing around caused us considerable emotional distress, we don't want to know any more...

Via WEHT.

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You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

National Topless Day Is A Gigantic Success

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:09:00 GMT

The GoTopless.org event we told you about last week was a grand success on every level except perhaps for media coverage. You could say there's been a coverup... or not decent exposes... or... or...

Well, thanks to Flickr and other outlets for pervy photographers, we have all the evidence we need to determine the level of triumph these fearless ladies earned by saying "F-U" to the cops, the public, and chauvinists who don't understand what the term "equal rights" means...

Kid, in a couple more years you're gonna realize this is the best moment of your life.

The above photo is from Venice Beach on Saturday, where locals turned out in droves to watch... an even larger crowd participate in the protest...

The below photos are from roughly three hours earlier in Central Park, where a much larger assembly marched across 59th Street and gathered for a victory party...

We'll be updating this with news stories, should any appear. Seriously, was there a media blackout (or should we say "media black tape") over this story? What, just because you're not like us and can show nudity doesn't mean you can't talk about it in print, people!

More images via Flickr.

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Expose The Cover Up-- This Saturday At The National Go Topless Day

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Nude Beachgoers Run Rampant In The Streets... As A Protest, Of Course

St. Louis Nude Bike Protest Points To An Emerging Trend

75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Naked Olympians: Cyclist Rebecca Romero

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

This man, apparently, did not get our memo detailing things you should never, ever, under any circumstance attempt to have sex with.

The list includes:

#15 Bicycles--There are so many more jabby parts than appropriate orifices. Also, depending on who you ask, it might even be illegal.

#103 Horses--So maybe Catherine the Great didn't actually die from fucking a horse. The reason people believe that is because she totally could have.

#256 Your middle school student--If you need this explained, we hope you look good in the color orange.

And yes, another thing you should avoid having sex with is the hole in a metal Hong Kong park bench, cause nobody wants to Crisco up your sausage when you realize your mistake.

Related:

Scanner : park sex

Thing #7,859 Not To F*ck: A Metal Rod

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Don't F*ck With People From Detroit

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

National Topless Day Is A Gigantic Success

Expose The Cover Up-- This Saturday At The National Go Topless Day

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Nude Beachgoers Run Rampant In The Streets... As A Protest, Of Course

St. Louis Nude Bike Protest Points To An Emerging Trend

75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Naked Olympians: Cyclist Rebecca Romero

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Richard Quest Pulls off Magic Trick With Rope That's Not Attached to His Penis

Homeless Woman Narcs On Craig's List Casual Encounters' Couple

A Walk in the Sexy Park