Scanner : paris hilton

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Holds Out, Won't Put Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A 15-year-old student in Florida has been suspended from school for three days because he farted on the bus. [Inquisitr]

Oh, Jesus. Some dude wants to make babies with "angel princess" Paris Hilton. [FadedYouth]

We were sort-of excited (okay, really excited) about "Lesbian Vampire Killers" until we read this: "The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It's a subtle moment, so let's rephrase: The lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword." [Vulture]

Isaiah Washinton, who was fired from the cast of Grey's Anatomy in 2007 for making a gay slur at co-star T.R. Knight (who had not yet come out of the closet) is facing eviction from his Venice home. [Us]

Contrary to earlier reports, Katy Perry and Josh Groban are not dating. People everywhere continue to not care. [People]

Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman still has not accepted any offers to do porn or any offers to do reality shows featuring Vivid girls. (P.S. Thems not enuf diapers.) [The Frisky]

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

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13-Year-Old Boy Watched That Paris Hilton Video Too Many Times

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

These kids today... first, they stage circle-jerk sessions and give out hand jobs in class. Next, at least in Connecticut, they give blow jobs in class.

But one Cincinnati, Ohio teenager decided that these were not enough to satisfy his adolescent cravings. Now, he's made national news for "pandering obscenity," a ridiculous and unconstitutional law that another Ohio resident, one Larry Flynt, has been messing with for decades...

Here's the full news report (no other information is known as of this writing):

A 13-year-old boy is charged today after police say he made a sex tape and showed it off at school.

Middletown police say the boy videotaped himself with another middle school girl. The tape was apparently made at the girl's house. The boy showed the video to his classmates at Vail Middle School.

The seventh grader is charged with pandering obscenity.

Dude is in seventh grade, Ohio, cut him some slack! And, as usual, there's no mention of the girl in the case-- did she wish to have herself filmed? Did she encourage or even promote the distribution of said sex tape? Or is she a victim of hidden camera work? (Obviously, he's at least a dumbass for showing it to his friends-- especially at Middle School, during class, knowing full well by the age of thirteen that the rumor mill is a vicious beast with no secrets.)

We'll have more on this if we ever hear about it again. Chances are, we won't.

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

New Miley Cyrus Photo Scandal Already Exaggerated...

Sacha Baron Cohen Tries to Seduce Ron Paul, Hilarity Ensues

50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

PapSmeared: Paris Hilton is for the Birds

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:41:00 GMT

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Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:02:00 GMT

Because Paris Hilton absolutely needs more puppies. [People]

We've heard that women reach their fertile peak at 27 but maybe that's actually the case for men, too. A new study has shown that children of older fathers have lower IQ scores than those with younger fathers. In contrast, children born to older mothers scored higher on the same tests. This really is the year of the cougar! [Reuters]

Two cheepskate brothers have been exchanging the same birthday card for 36 years. At this point, why even waste money on postage? Just send an ecard, dudes. [Colorado Springs Gazette]

Did Barbara Walters out Whoopi Goldberg on The View last week? Was she already out? Did anyone even notice? Does anyone really care at this point? [VIDEO: AfterEllen]

Related:

Paris Hilton, You and You Alone (and Maybe Nicole Ritchie) Can Stop Puppy Mills

Christian Bale's Rage: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

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Sloppy Seconds: Nicky Hilton Takes the Law Into Her Own Hands

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

What would Mickey Rourke have said had he won the Oscar? Probably that Marisa Tomei is awesome because "not that many girls can climb the pole, y'know?" [Vulture]

A 30-year-old aspiring male model committed suicide in Brooklyn's Prospect Park last week, after stating his intentions to do so on his Facebook page. [DailyIntel]

Ever wonder why boys (in general) don't like pink and girls (in general) do? If the results of a recent study are to be believed, it's because mens' and womens' brains respond differently to "beautiful" objects. Of course, the study was done with paintings and we're just guessing on the pink thing; we don't think pink is that beautiful, really. [Reuters]

What's in the water in this Brazilian town where 38 pairs of twins were born among about 80 families living in a one-and-a-half-square-mile area? [NYT]

We've always thought of citizen's arrest as this weird thing that people don't actually do. To the best of our knowledge, generally they don't. Unless, of course, they're Nicky Hilton. Surprisingly, we're left with only one question: what the hell was she doing at IHOP at 5 a.m.? [Us]

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While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

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AskMen's Top 99 Women

Paris Hilton Freestyles On "Dogg After Dark"

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:35:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Paris Hilton freestyle raps. In Snoop Dogg's "izzle" language. To Snoop Dogg. On his new MTV show. We're soooo embarrassed for her...

Read more...

Arby's is Not Even Trying

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 22:15:00 GMT

This ad ran in the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Ish.

Do you get it? Those burgers are not just burgers! They are also supposed to be breasts!

Isn't this a great idea? After all, anyone looking at the swimsuit issue is already interested in breasts. If they can make customers associate burgers with breats, bingo!

Here are some similar tactics they might try.

* Another ad where the buns are "buns"!

* Paris Hilton suggestively eating a hamburger, only her boobs are also hamburgers

* French fry piles that are somehow also shaped like boobs

* Changing name of chain to Booby's

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

Via Feministing

PapSmeared: Even Paris Hilton is Affected By the Recession (In Her Own Precious Way)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 15:57:00 GMT

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While You Were Sleeping: The 3-D Porn Movie

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Ever wonder what repairing a sex doll is like? Wait, you already knew this job existed?

We're hoping Kanye West is kidding when he says he wants to change his name. We are not amused.

Shockingly, your wife may become upset if you turn out to have a secret Playboy subscription.

Try not to panic-- 71,000 jobs were lost yesterday alone.

The hookers are flocking to Florida for the Super Bowl.

Good God! Molly Ringwald is 40 years old. Oh, and she's expecting twins...

The world's first-ever 3D porno flick (or so the producers claim, probably without having done any research) is all set to shoot. We'll, of course, provide a look behind the scenes, assuming this doesn't go way over budget, as an experiment of this magnitude is bound to do.

And forgive Paris Hilton, for she knows not what the hell she's saying.

While You Were Sleeping: The NY Senate Seat Saga Ends?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

More morning cheer: a baby elephant trying to get up. Doesn't it just make you want to pick it up so you can say "I carried an elephant?" All right, perhaps that's just us.

The sexual harassment suit against Ohio's former Democratic AG has been settled.

Look, we're well aware of the Paris Hilton sex tape sequel rumor. We haven't posted about it because 1) it's just a rumor and the only thing we've heard is that it took place in a cab and 2) if it's not on the internet, it didn't happen.

Did you ever see the creeptastic movie The Boys From Brazil? It's from the same writer as Rosemary's Baby and the original Stepford Wives-- and now that it turns out to be eerily accurate, you should rent it this weekend.

Caroline Kennedy withdrew, then re-entered the running for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. We think her people may have been trying to cushion the blow that will come tomorrow by acting like she didn't want it anymore.

Office Space is coming to BluRay in a 10th-anniversary edition. So there, now you've got the memo.

Wanna hear the new U2 song? Sorry, we didn't even listen to it yet for fear of starting the day out on a disappointment.

And Barack Obama repeated the oath of office to make the right-wing nutsos happy. Memo to those wackjobs: he became President at noon on January 20th, regardless of how badly Justice Roberts and President Obama flubbed the ceremony.

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Hudson's Latest Prize

What Ever Happened to Ione Skye?

Look Who's Talking... About Sex

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:56:00 GMT

Amy Graff, a blogger for the San Francisco Gate, recently had an uncomfortable moment with her daughter in a Castro Williams Sonoma. After her four-year-old asked what sex was, Graff could only equate it to plugging in a toaster. Even if naming her daughter Paris might have been a step in the wrong sexual direction, at least she handled it better than our mom when she asked us if we even knew what sex was.

"Mmhmm. It's when a boy puts his penis in a girl's vagina."

"No," said Mom. "It's not."

Imagine how screwed up we were about sex for the next few years. Instead of doing what our mom did to us (up until the end of sixth grade, we were certain a blow job was something one did to a car), Graff at least tried to fix her wrong and consulted Dr. Shashank Joshi, director of training in Child & Adolescent Psychiatry for some advice on how to handle the situation.

While Joshi's words of wisdom sound quite a bit like the "If you encounter a bear" training speech we got at summer camp ("Keep a measured and relaxed tone and receptive stance") it's pretty sound advice.

What should a parent say to a 4-year-old who wants to know how babies are made? First, take a deep breath! For a young child, something simple like 'A mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way...then it takes about nine months for the baby to grow inside the mommy, before it comes out' can do the trick.
You might consider practicing some responses to common questions with your spouse/partner, or even with a friend or fellow parent, if it helps decrease your anxiety. Also, think of this not so much as an early sex talk, but more as an ongoing discussion about development and life changes. This way the questions about where babies come from and your children's normal curiosity about genitals is seen more in the 'typical' context of their daily lives.
So a 4-year-old isn't too young to begin learning about sex? The sooner the better, if you want to build a trusting relationship around matters that make you a little squeamish. It's best to get over this discomfort early, and avoid taking your first stab at these conversations during the adolescent years. The task doesn't get any easier with a teen. Plus, there is ample research suggesting that early sex education can help to delay the age of first intercourse and early pregnancy.
What about bigger sex-related issues such as contraception and AIDs? When do you bring up this stuff? From a development perspective, most kids will not understand these concepts in detail until the preteen years. You'll need to base the timing of these topics on how ready they seem, or how interested they are. So, consider a more detailed discussion of contraception and AIDS prevention around 10 or 11. However, if they are starting puberty early--for example, for girls as young as 8 or 9 (10 to 11 for boys)--you may need to discuss these issues earlier.
Are there any big "no-nos" when you're talking with your kids? The main ones have to do with your own reactions. For example, try to not show embarrassment, shock, or outrage at their questions. Keep a measured and relaxed tone and receptive stance, no matter what the material.
Should parents be concerned about what kids see on TV? Love scenes, kissing? If the TV is the main source for your children's sex education, be afraid. Be very afraid. Young children are impressionable--so closely monitor what they are watching. Be proactive--don't let the TV or movies do the talking for you. On the other hand, you may want to employ the use of a scene from a show, or a special book to get the discussion going. For a young child, (4 to 8 years old) It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families gets rave reviews from parents I've worked with. As they get older (9 to 12 years old), the next volume in the series is It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends.
Anything else to add? Take advantage of teachable moments. They can happen anywhere--while watching TV together, reading a book, or even at the park. You don't need to make a speech. Keep it simple, direct and relevant. Start by asking what your child already knows. Let your child guide the talk with her questions. Some children may not ask for information if they think you might be uneasy with it. Others might test you by asking embarrassing questions. Talk openly, and let your child know she can ask you about anything. It sets the stage for healthy communication on difficult topics for the long term.
For instance, teaching the actual names for body parts (in addition to whatever names your child likes to call her genitals) during bath times or diaper changes can be a good way to start. Keep in mind that making up names for body parts may give the idea that there is something bad about the proper name. Also, be sure to teach your child which parts are private parts (those covered by a bathing suit). You may decide to teach your child that interest in genital organs is healthy and natural but nudity and sexual play in public are not all right. Also, young children need to learn that no other person, including even close friends and relatives, may touch private parts.
For more tips and information, parents should check out the parent resource guides on the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Web site and the American Academy of Pediatrics Web site, and the online Mayo Clinic article, "Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex." Also, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask) is a great read.

[SF Gate: Let's talk about sex, baby!]

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Let There Be Babybook

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Is Not A Slut

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Doctors have figured out how to prevent a large number of miscarriages.

Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell are in talks to play villains in Iron Man 2.

If Jeremy Piven turns out to have lied about his mercury poisoning, he could be in deep sheeeeiittt:

According to the New York Post, many involved with the production are pushing to have Piven's high mercury claims examined by a non-musclebound, non-teevee doctor, and they're hoping the result may "squeeze some money out of him."

[U]nder the Actors' Equity contract, the producers are entitled to have Piven's medical records examined by another doctor. If they suspect fraud, they can sue him. [Defamer]

Scarlett Johansson wants to open a brothel... in a movie.

Paris Hilton claims she's only slept with a few guys. In other news, "a few" is now "less than eight hundred."

Isn't there anyone besides Nicole Richie who could star in the Gossip Girl season finale?

Guy Ritchie's heist movies have such brilliant robbery ideas, these dudes decided to plagiarize one.

And Oklahoma introduced legislation to prohibit the teaching of evolution in schools. You'll know America has emerged from the dark ages when laws start getting passed that prevent anything besides evolution from being taught as possible fact.

And Ione Skye (star of Say Anything and River's Edge) and Ben Lee (ex-boyfriend of Claire Danes) married in India.

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When Life Imitates Wax

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:29:00 GMT

Most times you see wax figures that look like real people, but sometimes you see real people who look like they're made of wax.

For example, the Paris above is made of wax, which makes it especially difficult to for us to believe that the Paris after the jump is made of real flesh and bone...

Bone, anyway...

Nicky's looking a little dead in the eyes here, too. But as much as we'd like to believe the Hilton sisters existed only at Madame Tussaud's, here they are ringing in the New Year (and so joyously!) in Sydney, Australia.

Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Paris Hilton: A Pedophile with a Message

Wax Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore Now Starring in Our Nightmares

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PapSmeared: Paris Hilton Shops for Her Sunday Best

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:23:00 GMT

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Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:37:00 GMT

What were your favorite and least favorite Nerve essays of 2008? Orly? Then you should go vote for them. [Nerve]

Some of your favorite NPR personalities may soon be gone. Fucking economy. [Gawker]

Why did Perez Hilton have to ruin a perfectly beautiful picture of our future husband Ryan Gosling? [PerezHilton]

Perhaps in a cash crunch like the rest of us, Michael Jackson is selling the gates leading to Neverland Ranch and his infamous glitter glove from the "Billie Jean" video. [Yahoo!]

Speaking of gloves, er, coming off, Tom Cruise is going in for another interview with Matt Lauer. [Us]

Oprah fell off (or onto?) the food wagon, maxing out at 200 pounds. It's just more for us to love, Lady O. [People]

Prince William was invited to Paris Hilton's New Years Eve party, but his "elders at the palace" reportedly do not want him partying with her. [Radar]

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Pammy Forgot to Wear Pants

Colleen Kane — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:11:00 GMT

OMG, I have nightmares like this all the time! I'm out in public and suddenly realize I'm lacking a basic piece of clothing. And then Paris Hilton is there wearing a Mexican blanket and she's like "That's sexy," in her flat, dead voice. And then there's a dwarf talking backwards.

So, why exactly did Pamela Anderson show up at Art Basel Miami Beach this weekend sans trou?

No official explanation was given, although Fox News noted she "seemed to enjoy the jaw-dropping stares" she was drawing.

All jocularity aside, I like Pamela Anderson, she seems very sweet. Appearing in public without pants is something that crazy people do, or people on cocktails of drugs not prescribed by an attentive doctor. Really, there are only three articles of clothing you need to remember to put on each day to join society: top, bottom, shoes. Even underwear is optional now. She forgot one-third of the minimum clothing.

Come to think of it, this isn't such a new phenomenon for her, since her dresses tend to be shirt-length, but let's hope she's doing okay.

Related:

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Image: Gossipgirls.com

PC World Picks The 11 Worst Blogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Strangely enough, there are no LOLCat-related sites on this list... although we'd certainly nominate them.

Bad Hair Day. Seriously, this one's so boring we won't even trouble you with an analysis.

The Senator Ted Stevens Campaign Blog

The Michael Sandecki blog. It seems the answer to every "Who the hell is ____?" question we ask these days can be answered with "American Idol."

The Pepsi-KFC Blog. What ever do they talk about? Whatever it is, it's not interesting enough to research further.

The Adventures of Pat O'Neil. Despite the fact that we are bloggers, we were unaware that fictional historical characters have absurdist blogs.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Jack in the Box has a fucking MySpace blog.

Paris Hilton: A Paris Hilton Fan Blog, which was probably created by Paris Hilton or one of her BFF fembots.

Kim Kardashian's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than any fan blog about Kim Kardashian.

Rosie O'Donnell's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than Kim Kardashian's blog. Ouch.

CheckOut, which is really a big ad for Wal-Mart, according to PC World.

And the winner is... The Dullest Blog in the World. No comment.

Via MSNBC.

Paris' BFF Finale Night: Awk-waaaaard

Colleen Kane — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:02:00 GMT

If you're as unnaturally enthusiastic about the Paris Hilton: Be My New BFF show as us, you surely didn't miss last night's Reunion Special- Finale Show- Aftershow trifecta. And what you couldn't have missed if you did watch the back-to-back BFF attack was how strange it all was. Let us count the ways.

The Reunion Special featured:

A tattooed and guylinered audience apparently recruited from the queue for a My Chemical Romance concert
Action that was edited out when Natasha called video director Chris Applebaum the biggest bitch of all and he immediately left in what might have been a huff (good, that bitch deserved it), then [scene missing] suddenly Natasha is trashing the cardboard Bitch-O-Meter
A contrived revenge sequence in which Baje reveals she swished (pun intended) Onch's lip gloss applicator in the toilet, right as Onch just so happens to be applying his lip gloss. What a coinkydink!
A contrived fight between Zui and Bikini Corrie about how they both take off their clothes for money

The Finale featured:

Bizarre matching Marie Antoinette minidress getups for the two remaining contestants with no explanation until the final scene, which takes place at a masquerade ball
Vanessa asking Brittany to give up her seat next to Paris on the plane so she can stare adoringly at her while she sleeps
Vanessa describing how she and Paris do BFF things together like fall asleep on each other's shoulders, but when they show the footage of said scene, Vanessa had put her head on Paris' shoulder with no reciprocation
Vanessa generally appearing creepier than ever in her psycho-phantic desperation to be Paris' BFF: "Every second counts now. Like, every single second." [crazed smile, crazed eyes]
About 45 minutes of either Paris and Brittany or Paris and Vanessa awkwardly assuring each other what a great time they were having and how happy they are to be getting to know each other

The Aftershow featured:

Nick Swardson, aka rollerhomo Terry from Reno 911 playing his least festive role ever: himself as Paris' friend.
I watched it, but I'm still not really sure what else happened. I think it was a half hour of Paris & Pals lying on a bed talking BFF talk.

Paris Hilton Pulls the Bullshit Train to Toronto

Who Would You Rather... for President: Paris or Palin?

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

Denis Leary can't escape controversy if he tries.

Geffen is blaming Axl Rose for the flop that is Chinese Democracy. Releasing the album exclusively to Best Buy stores and not really promoting that fact may not have been the blockbuster idea of the century either, dumbass.

Someone send these people a lifetime supply of birth control pills, stat: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag want to have children.

Friends guest stars are trying to boost the ratings of just about every show. Now, Courtney Cox is guesting on the January 6 episode of Scrubs.

MTV is feeling the crunch-- and so will its employees.

Iraqi women are back on the road.

Jessica Alba + swimsuits + Campari is an ad campaign we can get behind.

And Paris Hilton's second album may not come out. Pass the Campari, baby!

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Caption This: Sometimes You Feel Like a Boob, Sometimes You Don't

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:14:00 GMT

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Caption This: Somebody Should Tell Paris Hilton PVC is Bad For Her Body

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:43:00 GMT

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Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:43:00 GMT

You ever hear a friend raving and drooling about a celebrity that you check out and say, "Why the hell are you attracted to that person?" (Fess up, Backstreet Boys anti-fans.)

Sometimes it's the media trying to make a hottie out of a starlet or reality show contestant forced on them by an overworked publicist. Or it's a massively successful makeup team turning a Plain Jane/Joe into a model so that the readers of Us Weekly can reassure themselves that they, too, can be prince(sse)s.

First up: the Ladies Edition.

5. Ivanka Trump. The fact that she's even related to the Donald is strike one-- strike two are the similar features to him, which is too creepy for us. Nonetheless, she's classy, self-assured, and apparently without a monstrous ego, which is more than we can say for most people.

4. Angie Stone. Great singer, looks snazzy in a hat, and her music doesn't depress the shit out of us. That's all gotta account for something. But, as with the rest of these choices, we can't decide whether she's attractive or not.

3. Mariah Carey. This would've been a no-brainer if we'd showed a screenshot of her video for the "Fantasy" single (maybe it's being brought up on The Dukes of Hazzard, but we've always had a thing for jean shorts and short shorts), but nowadays, with the fake boobs, terrible movies, and the other fiascos, we're not feelin' it anymore...

2. Nicky Hilton. We're learning toward the "not" on the "Hot or Not" scale of things, but it does help that she has beautiful eyes and is not her sister in almost every imaginable way, which probably makes her more appealing than she would be otherwise.

1. Alanis Morrisette. How many times have you gone out with someone and kept it going because you thought the person was an awesome conversationalist and you didn't want to lose that? That's the likely predicament we'd find ourselves in if we ever ended up dating Alanis-- she's well-read, world weary, and able to hold her own over a couple of vodka cranberry's until the wee hours... which may be why we'd rather best friend her than anything else. (Con: She dated Ryan Reynolds. Ouch.)

(P.S. We didn't include Britney Spears on this list because there's no question that she is not currently appealing on any level.)

What do you think? Are we crazy for not wanting to get it on with all these very pretty women? And who did we miss?

Top photo (of Charlize Theron) via Esquire. By the way, in case you were wondering, Charlize Theron is unquestionably hot.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The guy who ate the last mango in Paris passed away in Key West. (By the way, to get the song out of your head, listen to it here.)

See, raising a public stink does send the right message sometimes: a baby born in India to a surrogate mother was allowed to leave with her Japanese father, even though the law says her mother was supposed to accompany here.

Guess who helped Ryan Reynolds at the New York City Marathon? And no, it wasn't Scarlett Johansson...

"(During the race) I thought a lot about my father [who had Parkinson's] and Michael and the 500,000 other people afflicted with this awful disease in the United States alone. I ran for those who can't...

"When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so."

It's possible a man with the last name of Kennedy could have just set George W. Bush's public disgrace in motion...

A judge has ordered the Justice Department to produce White House memos that provide the legal basis for the Bush administration's post-Sept. 11 warrantless wiretapping program.
U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy Jr. signed an order Friday requiring the department to produce the memos by the White House legal counsel's office by Nov. 17. He said he will review the memos in private to determine if any information can be released publicly without violating attorney-client privilege or jeopardizing national security.

Kennedy issued his order in response to lawsuits by civil liberties groups in 2005 after news reports disclosed the wiretapping.

Paris Hilton says men used her for sex. That's just not true, dear, we love you for your brilliant intellect.

Circuit City is going to close more than 150 stores, rumor has it.

The more we hear about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie, the better it sounds. Check out where he ended up yesterday. By the way, the above photo is of Governor Ahnuld getting accosted by Bruno and the Bruno film crew: some say it was staged for the film, which is entirely possible, although Schwarzenneger has not made a cameo in years. We, however, want to remind you that the Governor of California could never act well enough to make the above, very-convincing "distress face" on cue...

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And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

As part of our continuing obsession with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi('s sex life), we present highlights from the extended New Yorker profile of the high-profile cheater.

There won't be any juicier gossip in your news all day, even if Paris Hilton gets donkey punched by Brad Pitt...

Berlusconi, in his undeniably fascist approach to government, is only remotely concerned with his philandering, bribery, corruption, and other crimes. It makes for uncomfortable and even disturbing reading, although mighty juicy!

Here are a few highlights:

having survived some seventeen criminal trials without ultimately being convicted.
an enormous casting couch that Berlusconi used to grant favors to aspiring actresses and to try to bring down the government
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
a dodering septuagenarian addicted to penis pumps and mysterious injections; supports like to paint him as a tireless Don Juan, capable of satisfying two or three women at once
[a comedian said about Mara Carfagna, a close associate and rumored lover of Berlusconi's] "You can't make someone Minister of Equl Opportunity just because she's sucked your cock!"
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
[Carfagna] has undergone a major makeover since her days on television, when she favored short skirts.... "They've seen my ass even in Germany" [is a popular online video about featuring Carfagna in her showgirl days]
[Berlusconi to Carfagna] "If I weren't already married, I'd marry you!" [he said at a public event, which led to a tabloid-crazed spat with Mrs. Berlusconi, Veronica Lario]
[A note passed to Berlusconi during a session of Parliament, which Berlusconi controls with the same amount of unchecked power as Vladimir Putin or, worse yet, Joseph Stalin]: "Dear [President], we accept romantic appointments only from you."

We'd reveal more, but we want you to enjoy the New Yorker article for yourself. See the Nov. 3 issue for the rest.

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Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:03:00 GMT

We mean costumes celebrities wear, because obviously a straight couple dressed as Sam and Lindsay is too obvious.

And by celebrity costumes we mean "besides the costumes they wear to premieres and when getting out of cabs without underwear." The Halloween kind of costumes...

Liv Tyler and her gang... but seriously, who wants to see these pictures...

...let's make this a Top 5 Sexiest Celebrities In Halloween Outfits list instead...

5. Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin

Okay, we're half-joking about this selection...

4. Lauren Conrad "put on a pretty little sailor suit and cap," although she won't get that reference.

3. Someone needs to tell Heidi Klum there won't be a Catwoman sequel for her to star in...

2. Christina Aguilera and Some Dude play doctor

1. Lindsay Lohan tied with... Lindsay Lohan

Remember: it's the costume, not the celebrity, that makes these hot. By that same page, who can tell when Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are wearing costumes?

If anyone can send us links to at least five decent sexy male celebrities (we couldn't really find any in Halloween costumes, although some decent sex tapes did pop up), we'll do a Part Two.

Pics via Cityrags, the World of Isaac, and other sources

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Democratic State Senator Busted For Stuffing Her Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Not this kind of bra stuffing...

She was an advocate for gay marriage and greater civil rights for black people, but Massachusetts State Senator Dianne Wilkerson automatically sucks now for making us all look bad for even being part of the same cause.

For Wilkerson is accused of stuffing her bra-- literally-- full of thousands of dollars in cash... and that's not even counting what they found in her purse...

According to several local news outlets, Wilkerson took several grand in bribes from a shady dude looking to expedite (or least get) a liquor license. Wilkerson saw in this man a cause as noble as her own civil rights issues (okay, we're kidding here) and called in some favors... or at least put her muscle into a few key people at the state level.

When she was busted, the Democratic State Senator was found with a whopping six grand in her purse-- or, as Paris Hilton calls it, "my penny purse." Her lawyer dismissed this by saying the cash "was for expenses."

Apparently, it was for a down payment on the Sarah Palin wardrobe plan. By the way, in addition to being caught on hidden cameras stuffing a an undercover agent's bribe in her bra, Wilkerson

faces charges of attempted extortion and theft of honest services as a state senator, stemming from a money-for-legislation sting operation, officials said.

A federal criminal complaint alleges that Wilkerson was busted for accepting eight bribes, totaling $23,500, in exchange for her influence on Beacon Hill.

Wilkerson also allegedly used one $1,000 bribe to treat herself to a night of gambling and dining at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut.

We're tempted to make a joke about a thousand bucks not even getting you a buy-in on a game of craps at Foxwoods, but everyone will see that coming...

Via the Boston Herald.

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Ground Control to Paris Hilton: Don't Hurry Back From Outer Space

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:22:00 GMT

We can't get away from Paris Hilton items today.

The New Zealand Herald is reporting that Paris Hilton has paid $200,000 for a seat on Richard Branson's first-ever commercial space flight, Virgin Galactic...but she's not exactly star-struck.

"I'm very scared to do it. What if I don't come back? With the whole light years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'"

Whoa, yeah, Paris, space travel does not equal time travel, but while you're out there exploring other gallexies, don't rush home. If you need to spend 10,000 years in outer space, well then, that's what you need to do. Just get comfy and try to enjoy your time somewhere that isn't pathetically addicted to your boring existence. By the time you get back, the kid in this video might actually be legal.

Paris Hilton: a Pedophile with a Message

Paris Hilton: A Pedophile with a Message

Emily Farris — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:02:00 GMT

In our attempt to track down the entire "Paris Hilton for President" video (because we know you're just dying to watch it), we came across Ms. Hilton's official YouTube page. Front and center was a video from 2006 we've never seen, for a song we've never heard.

Anyway, we found this video. And it's so wrong in so many ways. Watch Paris gyrate on a 12-year-old in his bedroom (er, in his dreams?) while she wears only tightie whities and the message "Dare to Dream" flashes across the screen.

Paris Hilton, You and You Alone (and Maybe Nicole Ritchie) Can Stop Puppy Mills

And Your Little Dog, Too: Attack on Paris Hilton's Pups?

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

Caption This: Paris Hilton Visits An Orphanage

Who Would You Rather... for President: Paris or Palin?

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:35:00 GMT

In a few short days, Paris Hilton's music video "Paris for President" will hit the Interwebs and the air waves. But a sneak peek has been released, and after watching it, we can't help but think that if Palin could do it, why not Paris? True, Palin has a little more political experience than Paris, but we're willing to put money on the fact that Paris wouldn't try to overturn Roe v. Wade.

So, who would you rather have in the in the White House? And by, have, we don't mean "have."

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