Scanner : osama bin laden

This Week in Gayness: Don't Ask... Just Don't Ask

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Good As You alerted us to Focus on the Family's hilariously awful anti-gay conference in Charlotte. They also put a human face on Jeff Johnston, an "ex-gay" who is obviously not human because it's not possible for anyone to change their sexual orientation.

This guy would be Keith Olbermann's worst person in the world if anyone knew who he was: a gay Minnesota Republican who is against gay rights. Paul Koering will vote against "the Marriage and Family Protection Act, a bill that would make Minnesota's marriage laws gender-neutral, allowing same-sex couples many of the rights currently denied by Minnesota statute."

The roles have been cast and the parents approved of the script. And then a high school principal decided to cancel a student production of Rent due to prostitution and homosexual" content. (There are gay characters, but no prostitution.)

To one Utah Republican, the greatest threat to America is: conspiratorial Chinese economists [no], Osama Bin Laden [no], the gays. 12% of ABC.com readers agree.

A young gay Army vet was killed by another young gay man who appears to have been upset at his own sexuality.

First of all, a guy has to go from being a gay porn star to working at Subway. Worse, he has to endure getting fired from his job at Subway when his previous career choice is discovered. Queers United takes up his case.

While most of the country is still stuck in this ridiculous debate about gay marriage, Massachusetts is trying to implement transgender equality.

And, at last, a straight veteran speaks out in favor of abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and letting gays serve openly.

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Al Qaeda Endorses John McCain For President

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:07:00 GMT

We were always a bit perplexed by these Republicans saying that Al Qaeda would welcome a Democratic White House, as if what terrorists want is some sort of laid-back President who doesn't want to fight them. Yeah, Al Qaeda's goal is to be ignored... right. We also recall seeing Rip Torn at the 2004 RNC and being disturbed that he was consorting with two people wearing "9 out of 10 terrorists prefer John Kerry" buttons. And doing so on New York City soil, no less, was twice as disgraceful.

Now, it seems a just reward for those who would exploit 9/11 for political gain that the McCain-Palin ticket has just received a nod from Al Qaeda itself...

Here's most of the text from a message on a terrorist website, which is for members only and is password protected. (We found it here, lest you think we're members or something.) The poster notes that because McCain is likely to continue fighting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Al Qaeda should support him. (Take that, Republican scum, your candidate is the one who actually endangers American lives.)

"This requires presence of an impetuous American leader such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier. Then, Al-Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."
"If Al-Qaeda carries out a big operation against American interests, this act will be support of McCain because it will push the Americans deliberately to vote for McCain so that he takes revenge for them against Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda then will succeed in exhausting America till its last year in it."

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Scandals Clinging To Sarah Palin Like Trig To Her Pantsuit

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:49:00 GMT

Boy, this John McCain guy is pretty repetitive, huh? If McCain's not saying "my friends" every other sentence, now he's referencing a guy named "Joe the Plumber" so many times that everyone ends up just laughing over the rest of his answers.

Meanwhile, thank God Bob Schieffer at least had some decent questions (bringing up Roe v. Wade and thankfully not just asking the candidates to state their opinions about the decision.) All that matters is what the public thought-- and they thought Obama won by another 20+-point margin. Bye bye, Johnny, bye bye...

1) Here's the Joe the Plumber video you've been dying to see. This is the actual guy, who by now has gotten two hundred million phone calls thanks to all the publicity and probably wouldn't vote for McCain in 10,000 years (whether we're still in Iraq then or not.)

2) This was sent by a friend-- Secret Service much?

We don't really have much more to say about this debate. At this point, nothing really matters except this: are the Republican attempts to disenfranchise as many newly registered voters as possible going to offset Obama's lead in the polls. Vote switching and the lack of voting machines in Democratic districts worked in 2004 Ohio, but will it work in 2008 Virgina, with Obama pulling ahead? It's looking very, very bad for John McCain...

We'll leave you with this, from Overheard in New York:

He Refers to Sarah Palin As "Mama Mia" in Private Moments

Little boy: Mommy, John McCain likes Abba.
Mom: Does he really now? Then you two have something in common.
Little boy: Noooooo!

--College Walk, Columbia University

So How's Your Family? And When'd You Get the Dick?

Man: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Woman: I'm sorry, I just had to pee.
Man: Holy shit! I can't fucking believe it. The first time I see my ex-wife in forty years is in a men's bathroom.

--Picnic House Men's Room, Prospect Park

The second one has nothing to do with this post, but we couldn't resist including it because it's absolutely brilliant. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Related:

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

I Wasn't Going to Live Blog the Debate...

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Obama and McCain Supporters Bring Out the Worst In All of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:08:00 GMT

It seems that Republicans are so desperate to win they'll cheat and Democrats are so scared of any potential cheating that they will try to head off a "stolen" election with a few semi-legal or even illegal tactics of their own...

Here's today's insane roundup... scary, scary stuff... it's enough to make you think Bob Barr might pull it off after all...

1) Absentee voters in upstate New York were mailed ballots listing Barack's last name as "Osama".

The Democratic commissioner apologized profusely, stating that it was merely a typo and that three proofreaders somehow missed it! What other words did they have to check? "Vote" and "fill in one of these bubbles, morons?" Come on, this is just rigoddamneddiculous.

2) FoxNews thinks it has uncovered a case of voter fraud in Ohio. A pair of newlywed Obama supporters have been picking homeless people up and shuttling them to the early-voting polls, where they are allowed to register and vote on the spot, even without proof of residence. Power to the homeless, we say, but Fox disagrees:

Volunteers supporting Barack Obama picked up hundreds of people at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and drug-rehab centers and drove them to a polling place yesterday on the last day that Ohioans could register and vote on the same day, almost no questions asked. [Gasp! You mean they didn't ask them anything beyond "are you registered to vote?" and "okay, can you fill this out?" Oh my God! This may be totally illegal-- letting residents of a state who have lost their homes cast ballots anyway!]

Republicans have argued that the window could lead to widespread voter fraud because officials wouldn't have an opportunity to verify registration information before ballots were cast. [Fox]

3) A man was shot in the face, ostensibly for wearing a racially-charged t-shirt. The shirt? Pro-Obama. The shooter? Reportedly made racist comments at the scene of the shooting. The story here? The shooting was in South London.

If you hear any more evidence of voter fraud (besides the usual federal-law-violating voter purges within 90 days of an election, which is going on as we speak), let us know in the comments section.

Related:

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Boobs for Barack

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

While You Were Sleeping: Colbert '08 Is On Again

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:07:00 GMT

We'd almost forgotten that today is the seven-year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center... otherwise known as the cringe-worthy phrase "nine-eleven." Actually, we tried to forget, not that we can get too far away from it. And it's not so much that we want to forget what happened, as that we want to avoid interacting with people who like to take pictures of "Ground Zero" and wear "We'll Never Forget" t-shirts. Unfortunately, we have Us Weekly and Lindsay Lohan (and Sam Ronson, too!) to remind us.

“I am in New York and I would like to remind everybody to take a moment today for those lost in tragedy that occurred on 9/11/01," Lohan blogs.

Ronson adds that "waking up in NYC this morning, seven years later ... feels like just yesterday this city and our worlds were turned upside down."

Ronson recalls what it was like witnessing the attacks.

"Never in my lifetime had I ever believed that I would see such horror - the kind that you see in documentaries set in far off places and read about in text books," she writes.

"Never in my life had I ever thought that I would wake up and fall asleep afraid, watching things on television that felt like a film, walking through a city that felt like a war zone," she goes on.

Adds Ronson, "There were army vehicles on Houston Street, barricades dividing neighborhoods and lines around the block of people waiting to donate blood -- set in front of a backdrop of smoke, filling a space where two of the largest buildings once stood.

"Two buildings that shaped one of the most famous skylines in this country, or in the world... seven years later, and I will never forget," she writes.

"I don’t really know what to say," she says. "To all those we lost, we will never forget, and never take for granted, the sacrifices that you made."

Well, if Lilo and Sam have to talk to Us Weekly about 9/11, we guess that was as good a way as any to do it.

[Us Weekly: Lindsay Lohan Remembers 9/11]

[NYT: The Ceremony at Ground Zero]

Related:

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

This Week In Gayness: Sam Ronson's Gay Tell-All About Lindsay?

Sam and Lilo Sittin' in a Tattoo Parlor... I.N.K.I.N.G.

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Sloppy Seconds: And Just How Will Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Make a Baby?

Sloppy Seconds: The #1 Gay Icon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

The New York Post just learned of alleged naked people in New York City. Congratulations on your eagle-eyed reporting, Mencken.

According to Australian news, there are reports of Chinese tourists possibly shooting donkeys for sport and because

Chinese traditional healers are known to use donkey skins to extract Ejiao. This extract can be used to make Nu Bao, a traditional Chinese medicine which is meant to improve vitality, increase a woman's libido and help with period pain.

Who tops a poll of the #1 Gay Icon Over 50?

Pierce Brosnan has seen off competition from fellow actors Bruce Willis and Richard Gere to land the title of most popular gay icon over 50 years old.

Another Obama Is A Terrorist t-shirt is making its way to infamy online.

St. Louis police looked no further than one of their own for why impounded cars taken in DUI busts have gone missing: the chief's daughter, who has been tooling around drunk in them.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil could be home by Christmas, but no sooner, after being sentenced to more than two years in prison.

And the headline of the Day:

B-52 crashes into Pacific Ocean. TIN ROOF RUSTED

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:13:00 GMT

Chris Kattan (who we always thought was gay, but apparently that was just Mango?), married a model named Sunshine Tutt. [Yahoo!]

What's worse? The fact that Matt Lauer almost accidentally said "Obama bin Laden" or the fact that we got an email about it? [Red Lasso]

Is either worse than Fox News showing footage of a dead model's body? [Huffington Post]

Call Pete Wentz (and his eyeliner) a homo if you want. He can take it. [Jossip]

We used to be sad about the fact that we were a little young to relate to the Brat Pack way back when. But now that Molly Ringwald's new TV role is playing the mother of two teenagers, we feel a little better about the whole thing. [GabbyBabble]

Now that Jessica Biel is blogging, what do we have on her? [People]

Bush: Me Like Book, Me Write Book

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:50:00 GMT

See, no one is going to give this incompetent ass, a born follower, a high-powered position in the private sector when he's finally, finally out of office. Okay, maybe Halliburton will hook him up. In any case, he hemorrhages money like I'm hemorrhaging brain cells after a night of birthday drinking. George Bush knows he'll have to make a quick killing when he leaves the White House, or else he's going to end up a dopey old pauper like Harry Truman, who was so poor Congress made a law saying ex-Presidents were not allowed to be poor again.

"I seriously don't watch TV. You know, I watch sports, but I'd much rather read books. And I do. I read a lot," he said according to a transcript released by the White House.

Name one, dumbo, and "My Pet Goat" and the funny pages don't count. Curiously, George continues to press on with this fool's errand-- the writing of his memoirs, that is. You think it might sound something like a book (ghost)written by Rudy Guiliani? (Imagine Jon Stewart doing George Bush doing the audio book when you read the below...)

It was 9/11. September. September the 11th. It was a cold, cold day in New York. And DC. I had been on vacation, but don't tell anyone that. I was in a school. In Florida, showing off my communications skills. To all the kids. I wasn't worried. I knew everyone in my Administration. Was going after Osama Bin Laden. We were gonna catch him. And then the first ~~bombs~~ planes hit the Twelve Towers. And then I leaped in front of the one trying to blow up the White House, and I took it down with my bare hands. Amen.

In other words, it will be filled with choppy sentences, unfinished thoughts, grammatical and spelling mistakes, and incredible lies. But, of course, the media will champion it as some sort of "redemption" and call it a "heartwarming narrative." Whimps.

Via Yahoo!/Reuters.

Scarf is to Terrorist as Leather Jacket is to Gay?

Katie Halper — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Scanner Emily and Scanner Brian did a great job breaking the Dunkin' Donuts story. But there's a new twist nobody is paying attention to.

Michelle Malkin outed Rachael Ray, as the Jihadi we always suspected she was. But now, thanks to Malkinian journalism, we have the proof: an incriminating Dunkin Donuts ad in which Ray dons a Keffiyeh, a traditional head scarf worn by Arab men.

We still have to be vigilant. Who knows what cell Ray is really with. Since the Keffiyeh is worn in several countries, Ray could be worse than just a Yasser Arafat fan. She could be a Bedouin sympathizer, a Somali apologist, or even a die-hard Laurence of Arabia fan, whether man or movie? In fact, couldn’t the Keffiyeh be Ray’s red herring? Could Ray be hiding Osama Bin Laden? If not, how do we explain this terrorist gesture which was first popularized by Osama Bin Laden?

Dunkin’ Donuts tried to play on Americans’ natural freedom-loving and paisley-loving sensibility by insisting that the scarf was “a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design.” But Michelle Malkin saw through that silk facade and exposed the truth about Ray’s scarf: it’s cotton. And it’s an accessory of mass destruction. Malkin explained the air tight slam dunk intelligence which proved Rachael Ray’s Arab/ Muslim/ Palestinian/ terrorist affiliations:

The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.

We appreciate Malkin’s heightened post 9/11 patriotism. But we were sickened to find incriminating photos of Malkin in a leather jacket. The same woman who vilifies and conflates all Arab men, is actually promoting gay leather subculture. Let me explain:

...a Leather Jacket, for the clueless, is the traditional jacket of Gay leather men that has come to symbolize the homosexual jihad against our values. Popularized by Glen Hughes of the Village People and a regular adornment of Gay liberationists appearing in pride parades and Queen videos, leather has been been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and INTERNMENT-OF-JAPANESE-AMERICANS-DEFENDING RIGHT WING PUNDITS.

Ms. Malkin. I was prepared to boycott Dunkin Donuts, as you suggested. But unless you apologize for mainstreaming gay sub culture and leading a gay jihad, I’ll have to boycott you.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds..., Losers of The Day: Dunkin' Donuts

MSNBC: Obama = Osama

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Barack Obama, known to Wonkettes as Barry Hussein (get it-- his middle name is the same as Saddam's last name), is up against the ignorance that brought us George Bush, chewing tobacc'a, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. In short, he is facing the American electorate in states long ignored by the thinkers and philosophers, and MSNBC is making sure to pander to them, jumping into the pig troughs and throwing the shit at each other to fill up every news hour.

The geniuses who brought you the Pimped Out Chelsea Clinton and other insults directed at her parents, particularly by head jackass-of-all-trades Chris Matthews, have now done themselves one better. On Monday night's Hardball, Matthews was speaking of Senator Obama when a graphic of the other Muslim terrorist appeared (no, not Dennis Kucinich), Osama Bin Laden, that Crazy Liberal from the East:

The other classy American news institution, CNN, committed same error last year, in a way:

Mitt Romney made the same, um, "mistake" during his campaign when blurted out Senator "Osama" when he meant to say "that guy the leader of my party never bothered to catch before or after 9/11."

Yep, above's another winner, Senator Lindsay Graham of one of those Carolina states that still practices lynching and uses different water fountains for Jews and darkies, seen here at a McCain event. They love that alliteration shit-- I guess it's better than literacy, folks! Yuck yuck yuck.

Here are some more gems from the Scanner vaults... yes, we save everything... otherwise, it'll get buried by NBC and their lackeys in the MSM.

The Truth Behind Britney's Breakdown?

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Blogger Kung Fu Monkey may be onto something. Could Britney's very public breakdown be a conspiracy to cover up the most important military mission of all time?

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Date: [REDACTED]
NSA INTERVIEW ROOM #[REDACTED]
PRESENT: AGENT [REDACTED], ASSET CODENAME/TOXIC
Preliminary Interview
Interview already in progress, see Transcript #194BSZ

Agent: Based on this evidence, our profilers believe you have the best chance of getting close to Osama Bin Laden. He is utterly obsessed with you.

(PAUSE / 8 SECONDS)

Agent: Miss [redacted]?
Toxic: Anything for my country
Agent: We're not going to lie to you. You're America's pop princess. There's no way he's going to believe you just decided to "hook" up with him. No way he's got a chance with you at the height of your fame and power. We need --
Toxic: -- to ruin me.
Agent: A downward spiral. Very public, very messy. This is deep cover, Miss [redacted]. Not everybody comes back.
Toxic: What's the timetable?
Agent: To make it convincing? Years. At least. Sham marriage. Alcohol and drug abuse, multiple psychological problems. We need to go completely over the top, too, to make it convincing. And then ...
Toxic: Then what?
Agent: You contact any one of these paparazzi we've had under surveillance. They're all of Middle Eastern or Muslim descent. Begin a relationship. Our profilers feel that at that point, Bin Laden will figure he has a chance, and will make the call.
Toxic: What do I do when that happens?
Agent: You'll receive weapons training.
Toxic: I understand.

We'll suspend belief for a little while; we know that Osama bin Laden is actually totally obsessed with Whitney Houston. But Brit did say in Fahrenheit 911 that you should believe and follow your president. We know, it's kind-of like letting yourself believe that daddy really is working late because you want mommy to believe it, too.

[Kung-Fu Monkey: Operation In The Zone]

Osama Bin Lantern Proves Inherent Goodness in Man, Pumpkin-Carving

sarahhepola — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:17:00 GMT

Someone is using that fancy liberal arts education for the important things in life. The Osama Bin Lantern. Or wait, is that Scanner Bryan? (Thanks to Jo.)