Scanner : oral sex

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Has Twins

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Most Bizarre Stakeout Ever Ends in Penis Severing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:02:00 GMT

You would think the most bizarre thing about a woman biting off her boss's penis would be the part where the woman bites off her boss's penis.

You obviously haven't been reading Nerve for very long...

An unidentified 30-year-old female in Singapore will probably never give oral again-- and her boss never receive it-- after this disturbing incident. While the married lady was going down on her superior in a park car, a van crashed into them, similar to that scene in The World According to Garp where the cheating wife is blowing her young student and Robin Williams pulls into the driveway and... ow.

The most bizarre part of the story is that the lovers were found by the private detective that was spying on them on behalf of the woman's husband.

The woman ran from the scene screaming, her mouth covered in blood, but ultimately accompanied her man (no, the other one) to the hospital, where he was treated but probably not fully repaired.

Via Metro.

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O Canada! Teen Girls Trading BJs for Merchandise

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Here's the lead of a story in the Toronto Star about the kids today:

Middle-class Canadian girls are giving oral sex after school to pay for sweaters and handbags.

Well, that got my attention, how about you?

According to filmmaker (and former Toronto Star columnist) Sharlene Azam, oral sex has become so normalized among teens that, for some in her film Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss, it's being used as a barter tool.

So how has prositution developed in middle-class schools? Azam calls those teens who recruit fellow teens into prostitution "a new kind of predator."

Girls she spoke with for the film would speak casually about blowing five guys in one night.

"The reason they speak about it unflinchingly is because it has become as benign and as acceptable as kissing. This is what our culture has become. Think back to the '80s when girls would blush when talking about their first kiss. We are way past that point with blowjobs. The real question is, 'What's next?'"

Heather, 16, outright states she associates pleasuring the boys with power. Which begs the question, has feminism failed the girls?

"We failed our girls. What's happened to our girls? We have let Girls Gone Wild and the media culture define them."

Commenters on the interview with Azam are divided about whether parenting has failed, or this is nothing new and Azam is making a mountain out of a couple of run-of-the-mill high-school sluts. What do you think?

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Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

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Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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Broken Blogger: Scanner Emily

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone. My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

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NYU Boys Learn How to Clean Up Down There

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:33:00 GMT

Last week NYU's paper, The Local introduced a new sex advice column, aptly named "Sexy Time." The editors encourage students to write in ("use a phony email address if need be") with their burning questions. This week: a young lad who has "received a fair amount of head" and apparently has never heard of manscaping.

Dear sex writer,

So a few days ago my roommates were talking about girls with big bushes and how they like a girl to be properly manicured and I’m sitting on my bed thinking of the episode where Samantha gets her pubes shaved into a lightening bolt. I then tried to make some funny joke about “eating girls out” because it makes my roommates squeamish when I use hetero lingo. I then said, “Yeah, thank god dudes don’t have to deal with that shit” and then they yelled back, “YOU DON’T TRIM?!” I mean, I did a few times in MIDDLE SCHOOL, but that shit got mad itchy. Also, I’d like to say that I have received a fair amount of head and have never heard, “Hi, your pubes are too long.” So, Merry, what is the deal with male (gay or otherwise) pube trimming?

Thanks,

Desperately Seeking Scissors

Well, DSS, I’m quite happy for you that this confusion has not drastically impacted your ability to score a BJ, but we need to have a little talk. I’d have thought that your Sex and the City knowledge would have taught you better.

People generally don’t want to stick their face in long, gnarly hair (that easily traps fluids, litter, discarded newspaper, Starbucks cups, etc.) when they’re doing something as nice and lovely for another as giving oral pleasure (except, of course, for the people who do love burying their face in long gnarly hair, and they’re loved too). Boy pubes, granted, don’t present quite as much of a logistical problem as girl pubes, but that doesn’t mean they go unnoticed. I conducted a very scientific survey on your behalf, and the results say that by far most boys keep it trimmed with scissors. Some guys (straight and gay) even go and get waxed.

I’d say it’s standard to keep your pubes relatively short and under control. If there’s a particular guy in your life, ask him what he thinks. There are probably some in the world who you would make very happy if you got out a razor or some bikini wax, and others who would be perfectly glad to see you with a big man-bush. Neat and trim, though, is the standard of decency—start there.

This is in your personal best interest as well—a really sexy blow job can involve licking in all kinds of places, which would be much, much hotter if he doesn’t have to pause to pull long, curly hairs off his tongue.

All of this advice, by the way, goes for the straight boys too.

Scanner readers, what do you think? You should know by now we're a fan of hair, in general, but a neat trim is always appreciated. We once had a boyfriend, however, who refused to go down on us until we shaved it all off. Obviously that relationship didn't work out too well.

[The Local: Desperately Seeking Scissors and the Male Grooming Dilemma]

Related:

Manscaping: Friend or Foe?

What Do 60% of Men Allegedly Trim?

"O glorious pubes!"

Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Photo by Flickr user Jeremy Brooks used under the Creative Commons

If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:27:00 GMT

According to John DeVore, over at The Frisky, it is.

It is surprising to us that he actually opens his story with the line "Blow jobs are overrated," because we've never come across a man who didn't love them, or at least pretend to love them.... oh, sort-of like we've totally pretended to looooove so many of the lukewarm oral sex acts that have been performed on us! But we see it this way: if you're sleeping with someone you have no intention of being in a relationship with, while you might technically owe it to the rest of womankind to tell the guy what he could do better next time, there's really no point in putting out his fire.

But back to blow jobs: we'd like to think—and have been told—we are particularly skilled at such things, but we would imagine that to most men any wet mouth on your hard penis is a wet mouth on your hard penis which is, "like totally amazing," right? Right?

Can a bad blow job be equated to cold pizza (a blow job is a blow job is a blow job, sometimes they're just better one way than another) or should everyone in the world go back to Oral Sex 101?

To Devore, though, skill is irrelevant.

"Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.

"I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all."

Call us old-fashioned, but we sort-of agree with DeVore. As we've told too many people after too many cocktails too many times "~~We'd~~ I'd rather be fucked any day."

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This Week in Hot for Teacher News: Another Sexy Teacher Gets Sexy With a Student

Colleen Kane — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Oh, sexed-up teachers. When will you learn? The latest inappropriately hot teacher to (allegedly) get inappropriate with a student is Hope Jacoby, who is an athletic trainer at Tustin High School in California.

Hope is facing charges of sexual behavior with a 14-year-old student including oral copulation. And how was this found out? Alleged inappropriate cell phone photos.

Now that these scandals are so popular, how about some lessons for ye olde Lesson Planne:

1. If you're a teacher, don't have sex with students.

2. If you're a teacher having sex with students, definitely do not take photos or video of said activities.

3. Even if you don't look as good as Hopey, you can always do much better than a 14-year-old boy.

4. She was orally copulating him? Who's in charge here? You, the teacher, must take control.

Ignore these lessons, and FAIL.

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

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Ryan Gosling, Will You Marry Me?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:33:00 GMT

Um... am I the only one who wants to lick the center of my monitor right now?

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24 Things Guys Do That Keep Them From Getting Laid

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:19:00 GMT

#21: see above tan.

Megan, who is guest blogging on Jezebel these days, has been stirring up the comment section's hornet nest over there, starting with her post "Men and Sex: A Guy's Guide to Getting It On." The list is almost totally spot-on... although we always have to wonder where girls find these guys... and why there weren't red flags before the guys made these glaring faux pas...

Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

The post caused an immediate sensation that even woke up the cultural latecomers at the New York Times. Yesterday, Megan posted a followup that defended her choices:

It also inspired a response from The Times' Sathnam Sanghera, who said that "modern man is an impossible position when it comes to seduction." Um, actually, that's sort of the point. Seduction, is after all, by definition the act of convincing a woman to do something she doesn't want to do.

We thought, in a show of solidary with Megan and to add a voice to the communication meltdown that's threatening our very civilization, that we should round it out at a solid two dozen...

21. See above tan. If you look like that, go back to Square One and regroup.

22. Quit while you're ahead. If she's going for you, take it easy, settle in and enjoy the evening. Don't over do it.

23. Don't discuss the bill for more than two seconds. As Megan puts it, some people want to pay, some want to be paid for. With that in mind, feel her out on the check, then accept whatever vibe she's giving off.

24. Avoid creating controversy just to keep things interesting. Bringing up politics for the sake of keeping the conversation going ties back to 22.

Via Jezebel.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:30:00 GMT

There we plenty of great sex scenes in the 80s... we will certainly be doing a sequel to this list at some point, since there about 1,187 equally worthy clips to show you just from those ten years... hell, even Porky's had a couple of good ones in there...

5. The Hunger. Some will argue this is one of the best sex scenes, period. We can't get over the terrible direction and distracting, awful music. But, hey, it's hard for this not to be hot...

4. Angel Heart. The decade's most controversial sex scene involved-- gulp-- Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet, which caused her TV Dad Bill Cosby to attack her in the media.

3. Devil in the Flesh - known mainly for its inclusion on those memorable lists of legitimiate theatrically-released movies featuring actual on-screen sex, this film is very difficult to find except from Mr. Skin and whatnot. We've seen it, but we didn't want to pay to download it just for this post, so here's a link and, below, a screenshot:

2. Cat People... with six-and-a-half minutes of clips from the movie... no graphic sex here, although there is some in the film (if only we could find it on the 'net.)

1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. As if this needs an intro... you already know which scene we're referring to...

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Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:21:00 GMT

A woman in Ohio has been sentenced to five years in jail for having oral sex with her daughter's underage female friend.

Oh, but it gets so, so much better...

Becky Jo Tatum, 42, was arrested recently for going down on the girl at a wild, drug-fueled party for her teenage daughter at their home in Bexley. When police raided the party, they found a shotgun, cocaine, and an underage female who had been Tatum's sex partner. (The age of consent in Ohio, by the way, is 16.)

Tatum was booked for posession of cocaine, sex with a minor, and on weapons charges. Tatum is not allowed to own or carry guns because she had prior drug and prostitution convictions on her record. Wow. These must've been some parties...

So, we're guessing, that might be why she ends up with a whopping five years behind bars-- it ain't just the oral sex that brought down her empire...

Via WTVN.

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

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I No Want Your Porn Burger

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 14:34:00 GMT

You knew it was only a matter of time before somebody lampooned (lam-POONed!) Scanner Emily's favorite website...

A lot of the captions are predictable, but buried in ICanHasPornBurger (nice try on a title there, but keep at it) are a few choice photos. Here are some of our favorites since the relaunch yesterday:

Via icanhaspornburger.

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Today in WTF: Belgian Sex Ed PSA

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Harvard Student Publishes Porn Mag... Featuring Only Himself

Click the Scanner banner above to continue reading...

Today in WTF: Belgian Sex Ed PSA

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:42:00 GMT

This bizarre sex ed PSA, apparently the work of Belgium's wonderful people, reminds us of that fake J.C. Penney's ad that condoned, nay encouraged, promiscuous teen sex.

Whether it's real or not, it's either hilarious or hilariously bad... you decide...

Video of the Day: JC Penney Wants Your Kids to Have Sex?

Ask Scanner: Sexy Statistics

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Sloppy Seconds: Levi Johnston's New Tattoo

Swedish Boarding School Initiates Sex Games For New Students

All Right, Fine... We'll Show You Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:14:00 GMT

This is almost an exclusive, actually. For months, we'd been hearing about this Ray J-Kim Kardashian sex tape, which was briefly sold by one online distributor before being pulled. The only real footage that surfaced on the web was in the form of an almost safe-for-work trailer.

Then we found a couple of five-minute excerpts on Megarotic... making this sort of like Three Pornos In Search Of An Editor, but anyway...

First, the "trailer." Warning, it's incredibly annoying:

Next, the best version we've been able to find of the tape, a three part version. Most of these, you'll spend on fast-forward, but the third one is pretty nice once the slow motion bullshit is over...

1) Ray goes down on her, then there's some pointless footage of Kim's crotch... while she is in public... wearing jeans:

2) Next up, more sex, beginning with Kim saying she's too shy to show herself off... before showing off her ass and poonannananany... and boobs... and Ray J's dick...

3) At last, we come to the XXX finish... well, if you fastforward to the last two minutes, that is..

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

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Swedish Boarding School Initiates Sex Games For New Students

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:22:00 GMT

Have we mentioned how much we love Sweden? First, many of its young ladies enjoy having sex with one another. It's also in Europe, somewhere, so that's helpful.

Seriously, this new story from Sweden, which involves boarding school students, sex games, bananas, and chocolate make take the, um, cake...

It seems that for the new autumn semester of Riksbasket Gymnasiet, a boarding school for students who are more focused on basketball than school books, the new students got a welcoming party they hadn't bargained for.

“In one game boys had their upper bodies covered in chocolate and the girls had to lick it off,” said Ewa Lundström, principle for sports high schools in Luleå, to Sveriges Radio.
“In another game the girls were lying on the floor with a banana in their mouth while the boys did pushups on top of them and ate the bananas,” said Lundström.

Of course, school officials are ruining all the fun by launching a full investigation into the serious, serious matter. Students, meanwhile, are probably realizing that they need to tighten the ranks to the most trustworthy friends, who aren't likely to snitch, and then at least try to get more creative about their initiation methods.

We recommend ice cubes on a hot day, a la Do The Right Thing.

Via The Local.

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You Oughta Know: The Rumors About Dave Coulier and Alanis Morrisette...Totally True

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Dave Coulier-- or Uncle Joey, as most of us know him-- has confirmed that Alanis Morissette's 1995 hit "You Oughta Know" was about him. This is totally weird and as we've always feared and suspected. Just to recap, the lyrics to "You Oughta Know" go something like this:

Is she perverted like me/
Would she go down on you in a theatre/
Does she speak eloquently/
And would she have your baby/
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother/

etc., etc.

These are not things you should be saying to Uncle Joey. But, apparently, Uncle Joey is exactly who Alanis was saying them to.

[Coulier] says he was driving when he first heard the tune.

"I said, 'Wow, this girl is angry.' And then I said, 'Oh man, I think it's Alanis,'" Coulier tells the Calgary Herald. "I listened to the song over and over again, and I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.'"

Inundated with press calls, he says he tried to get a hold of her — and eventually got through.

"I said, 'Hi. Uh, what do you want me to say?'" he recalls. "And she said, 'You can say whatever you want.'"

Aw. Man. This is totally some dumbass conversation two people who'd just broken up and shit on each other would have over the phone. Especially if those two people were former Canadian Children's TV stars. In case you've forgotten the connection-- Alanis was on You Can't Do That On Television at sort of the same time Coulier hosted Out of Control. Lots of clips and outrage at Video Gum.

[photo via US Weekly]

The 10 Best Things About Vibrators

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:45:00 GMT

Our substitute blogger, Byron Dafoe, writes in: "Scanner Brian's tongue-in-cheek post about 'fearing' a partner-eliminating vibrator may have given the mistaken impression that we are anti-vibrator. Quite the contrary. In order to celebrate Babeland's new ROBORUB 3000 (or whatever it is) we present our top 10 reasons why we love the vibrator."

10. You can lean back and enjoy the beauty of a woman’s orgasm with the same studied intensity you bring to your crazy friend's gallery opening.

9. Norwegian Dildo Parties?

8. Tag ‘em in and take a break: it’s sandwich time!

7. An ample substitute for bachelor parties too poor to hire a stripper (?!)

6. Remote Control Torture Fun

5. Enjoy double-penetration without the awkward run-ins at the next party.

4. Eggs. Need we say more?

3. As much as you may not want to admit it, everyone’s ass is just loaded with nerve endings. Male or female, you too can enjoy every single one of them.

2. Orgasm. Times 10.

1. See #2 again, and again, and again.

-by Byron Dafoe, whose work has appeared in Playboy and many other publications and is filling in for Verena this week

Give the Gift of Life This Holiday Season: A Vibrator

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

Quite Possibly the Best Christmas Gift Ever: The Everlasting Vibrator

Vibrating Mascara: Because You're Worth It

Holy Papaya, Batman! That's a Vibrator!

Top 10 "Happy Earth Day" Sex Toys

Hey Everybody, I Just Pummeled My Vagina!

Babeland Launches The Erratic, Dangerous, Man-Eliminating Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Truth be told, our title was written in retaliation-- in fear, really, since if this thing actually works, it would mean the virtual end of the need for females to have sexual partners...

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:

1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself

2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website:

The SaSi is the closest (and we mean very close) you’ll get to cunnilingus from a vibrator, thanks to the undulating nub under the vibrator’s skin.

3) pleases the eye with its "iPod inspired interface."

It's availabe exclusively (in North America, at least) from Babeland. This NSFW video will perhaps tempt the ladies some more... and possibly lead to dismissive remarks from their lovers in the comments section...

Via Babeland.

Scanner Highs And Lows: But If You Are In The Mood...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

...maybe your sex drive isn't as high as it should be. Maybe you're burnt out from fantasizing about lingerie models. Or maybe you've just been mauled by a crazed grizzly bear.

In any case, you need some refreshment...

Highs:

CNN solved that sex drive problem, ladies. Sort of.

The Daily Show's five sexiest clips turned us on, for sure.

Anne Hathaway, as viewed from the side, caused total computer hardware failure. From drooling on the keyboard.

At least she didn't pick herself: Naomi Campbell named the last true supermodel, and we have to agree with her on the sexiness factor.

Lows:

Snickers didn't bring on a bout of the chuckles.

Ashley Alexandra Durpe couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. We mean... never mind.

Viewed from a distance, Brad Pitt is a) just as sexy or b) a lousy father?

The man eating bears had nothing to do with sex, but they, um, scared the pants off us. Does that count?

The 9/11 thing... got us hot and bothered? Nice try, but not really... mainly just bothered.

There's a 17-year-old girl stripping in Iowa. 17: not acceptable. 18: here's a dollar for your humiliation.

If engaging in fellatio this weekend, take this girl's advice: "Do Not Swallow!"

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Nine British Women In Beach Bust After Oral Sex Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Nine British women, as well as twelve remorseless British and Greek men were busted on Laganas Beach, just off the west coast of Greece yesterday. The women were participating in a blow job contest that was being filmed for internet sales.

Check out what the two sexes were separately charged with...

The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said.

The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior. [Rather than soliciting prostitution. Ah, the Greeks. Meanwhile, the women were charged with prostituting themselves. Hmm... what do you think? A fair deal? Guess if it had been filmed indoors, they could have just said it was an adult film exception-- isn't that how American porn gets away with it? - Ed.]

In recent years, Laganas has established itself as one of Greece's most popular destinations for twenty-something holidaymakers and is known for its wild party scene.

Around 15 million people -- a fifth of them British -- visit the eastern Mediterranean country each year, drawn by its soaring summer temperatures, azure waters and sandy beaches.

You forgot to mention rampant blow jobs, handed out for free like the condoms no one probably used, under that beautiful sky in your ad package.

Via Reuters.

We Will Not Make Oral Sex Jokes About the Knee Pads on Lindsay's Lohan's Leggings

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:04:00 GMT

And it has nothing to do with the fact that we're pretty sure she's in a happy lesbian relationship, because lesbians can totally pleasure each other on their knees.

No, no. It's because, well...

...well, we kind-of like Lindsay now. In fact, no, we really like her.

Maybe part of it is that we feel sorry for her because her family is insane and terrible, and maybe it's also because now that she seems to be in a happy relationship, she seems more likable.

But, we still hate the leggings.

The style is called "Mr. President" (you'll never guess who inspired them) and they cost $132.

We are laughing at the leggings. Not Lindsay.

[ShopIntuition via MollyGood]

Related:

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Michael Lohan: The Only Person on Earth Who Won't See Lindsay Lohan's Breasts

Samantha Ronson and Her Trusty Fingers Take Care of Lindsay Lohan

We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe: UPDATED

Welcome To The Wonderful World Of Naked Rugby

Ina Maier — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Yup. Naked rugby. For some reason, the Daily Mail decided this was news and who are we to judge? Anyway, more photos (you can almost see peen!) and an explanation after the jump.

According to the Daily Mail, "Members of the All Blacks, New Zealand's national team, took part in a nude rugby game at St. Kilda Beach on July 12, 2008 in Dunedin, New Zealand." Was this for charity, you ask? We have no idea. So, really we were lying when we said there was an explanation after the jump. That said, who cares? Especially when you've almost got full frontal. Can you spot the oral sim-and-stim-ulation?

Also, ever wondered what a streaker at a Naked Rugby game would look like? We've got the answer, thanks to the Daily Mail and their oh-so-helpful news-you-can-use captions.

"A fully clothed "streaker" interrupts the action."

We'd make a pun about the nutso nudity of these rugby players, but the Daily Mail already beat us to the punch. ("Naked rugby players did little to dispel their reputations as nuts over the weekend." ) We'll get you next time!

More photos and less explanation at the DailyMail.com.

Related:

The One Time Streaking Wasn't So Funny

Infamous Naked Lady Parades Topless On July 4th

All photos courtesy of The Daily Mail and/or Ross Land/Getty Images.

Yeah, Um, We'd Rather Not Read About Laura Bush And Oral Sex, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Can someone please read American Wife, the new Primary Colors-style fictionalized account of the life and marriage of First Lady Laura Bush, and let us know the juicy details? Because we'd rather not have to read anymore than we already did...

"He bent his head to kiss my sternum, my navel and belly … to open me up, and he brought his face in and was licking me, he was licking me firmly and repeatedly, and it seemed both difficult to believe (Charlie Blackwell’s face burrowed between my legs?) and also entirely inevitable: beyond logic and language and decorum…. His cheeks between my thighs, his bobbing head, and his earnest assiduous lapping—very quickly, it was too much to bear, and I gasped and cried out. It was like tremors, and I felt my thighs clenching around his head, and when he came up a few seconds later and kissed my forehead, I said, ‘I hope I didn’t suffocate you,’ and he said, ‘I can’t think of a better way to go."

Don't worry, it's not another one of those lovely Scooter Libby or Bill O'Reilly porn books, but... oh donkey spank, it's way worse:

[The] sex scenes, like the one of Bush — sorry, Charlie — finding himself between his wife’s legs. Reading it makes us very uncomfortable, because we like our president unethical and stupid, not horny and giving of himself.

We don't like our President at all, but that might be part of why we don't want to hear about his three-inch boners. Apparently, this is not even the least controversial aspect of Curtis Sittenfeld's book:

Her main character, Alice Blackwell, is a librarian whose husband Charlie finds himself manning the Oval Office. Blackwell learns her grandmother is a lesbian (this is taboo), kills her high school sweetheart at 16 (sort of like Laura did when she was involved in a fatal car accident), sleeps with his brother, finds herself in a family way, and aborts the fetus (this would anger pro-life types, like Laura Bush).

More via Radar/Jossip.

Malaysian Opposition Leader Accused of Sodomizing Male Aide

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Anwar Ibrahim, longtime opposition leader in Malaysia, fled to the Turkish Embassy yesterday following revelations he is being investigated for having sex with his male aide, a charge that ruined his career once before.

According to CNN:

Anwar, a charismatic politician, was once part of the ruling establishment, rising to the post of deputy prime minister and finance minister in then-Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad's government in the 1990s.
But it all unraveled in 1998 when he was accused of sodomizing his driver and abusing his power to cover up the deed. Mahathir fired him from the government and had him jailed. Anwar was subsequently convicted on both charges but Malaysia's highest court overturned the sodomy conviction and freed him in 2004.
Anwar insists he was framed to prevent him from challenging Mahathir for power. After a decade in political oblivion, Anwar revived his career with this year's electoral success.

Anwar is eligible to run for Prime Minister again soon, although his life may be in danger, which is why he a) claims to have to hide at the Turkish Assembly and b) why these accusations are appearing now.

In his blog statement, Anwar said he recently obtained evidence that the national police chief, Musa Hassan, and the attorney general, Abdul Gani Patail, fabricated evidence against him in 1998.
"These actions are being repeated today to undermine the forces of reform and renewal which were unleashed in the March 2008 elections," he said. In an earlier statement, he said the new accusation was engineered by "interested parties" to prevent him from exposing Musa and Abdul Gani.

In a country where sodomy is published by jail time, it's not likely to matter whether he was framed or not...

Via CNN.