Scanner : online dating

How to Write A Great Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

Suite101 is one of those websites that gets everyone to write for them for free and then tries to pay them for their large traffic contributions with royalties for miniscule ad sales. Fortunately, though, many of the writers rise above their position on the internet ladder and churn out excellent pieces.

One recent addition to the lineup is "How to Write A Sex Scene," and it's quite interesting...

Writer Nina Munteanu hits five keys points in her article and, curiously enough, they would all work as tips for having a better sex life:

Tie Scene to Emotion

Describe Indirectly

Savor the Lead In

Less Is More

Use Sensual Language

Be more emotionally invested in the sex itself, don't be so obvious about what you want so that it's more playful, savor the foreplay, don't over do it, and talk dirty if it sounds like it'll work. Yep, that pretty much covers it.

Read the full text of her points at Suite101. [We're having embedding problems, so make sure you right click and ask to open in a new tab/window.]

This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

We F-ing Hate That There is F-ing Nude F-ing Hipster Grifter Sh*t We Can F-ing Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:29:00 GMT

We know you're sick to death of hearing about Kari Farrell, the hipster grifter, who conned men out of money and Vice into giving her a job (and showed us her boobs). Well, either you're sick to death of hearing about her or you're wishing you would have gotten some from her, even if it meant she ran off with your money. If you're of the former mindset, you, like us, really don't want to see all of this damn hipster grifter paraphernalia. Unless you, like us, really like one of her tattoos and are thinking of getting one of your own and might try it out as a t-shirt for a while.

It's based on this tattoo, which Scanner Brian sent to us last week with the following comment: "You should totally steal that first image as your pre-jump Beard image." To which we replied "Um, I should totally get that tattoo!" We know. But still.

Related:

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Via Gawker.

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Colleen Kane — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:08:00 GMT

Earlier this month, there was a fake profile on a millionaire dating site purporting to be Tommy Lee looking for a girlfriend. As if the guy needs to go online to meet somebody, right? Well, not so fast. Now it seems there's some international intrigue with someone he's never met in real life...

"I love British women and their cute accents. I have lots of lady friends but not anyone making me crazy. There is a girl in London who I’m looking forward to seeing but haven’t met yet, and she is really hot," he said.

"We have been communicating but she lives there and I live in the States. I met her on the internet."

Sounds like Tommy hasn't learned the first rule of dating online. Don't tell the world about someone you've met until after you see them in person.

Related:

Pam And Tommy Lee Back In The Swing Of Things

Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:53:00 GMT

When the Hipster Grifter, Kari Ferrell, popped up on Scanner today we thought she looked familiar. And we thought, "I want to give you a handjob with my mouth" sounded way too familiar. Then we remembered that our friend had posted a Craigslist ad looking for a date to the Langhorne Slim concert a few weeks ago and an Asian girl with chest tattoos had responded to it and used that exact line. We opened up the email (that he had forwarded us, because we always forward each other our online dating prospects) to compare the tats. And we were right.

Full text of the email after the jump.

From: Korean Abdul-Jabbar <xxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: March 31, 2009 5:40:57 AM EDT
To: pers-y6uau-xxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Subject: I can fight like the devil, or do what I'm told.

Hello,

I haphazardly stumbled upon your ad on Craigslist, and decided to charm you--with my undeniable wit and good looks (see: roofies)--into taking me to the Langhorne Slim show this Friday evenin'. Now, I realize that you have several candidates to choose from and that is why I compiled this nice list as to why I am "The One".

1.) I can solve complex math equations, harpoon a whale, reference obscure movies/books/songs/bible passages/pornos/wrestlers/Christmas specials, and shoot a potato gun all while simultaneously singing the theme songs from nationally syndicated television programs of the late 70's and early 80's. If that doesn't convince you to take me, I don't know what will, but just in case I'll continue...

2.) I commonly say things like, "I want to give you a hand job with my mouth."

3.) I graduated with my degree in Music Theory, Composition, and Production--and minored in Physics. I don't know what I'm trying to tell you, besides that I like useless degrees. Impressed?

4.) I appreciate all genres of music. I know everyone says that, and sure, maybe some of them even mean it--but I DOUBLE MEAN IT (???). Examples: Bonnie 'P' Billy, Mono, Owen, The Books, Curtis Mayfield, The Gap Band, The Zombies, Glenn Miller Band, Russian Circles, Kashiwa Daisuke, The Magnetic Fields, Sunn O))), Botch, Benny Goodman, Murs, Boris, The Hood Internet, Phosphorescent, Muddy Waters, Akron/Family, Refused, Schubert, and on and on and on.

5.) CLAP HANDS.

6.) I moved here about eight months ago, and though I know many wonderful people, have been feeling a bit homesick lately. One of my favourite memories of times too-long-past is dancing in my friend's kitchen to Langhorne's "Checking Out" with everyone I have ever loved.

7.) Even if you have promised the ticket to someone else, I'll still go to the show with another friend, or by myself. Meaning, I am not emailing you just to get an in to the show--though I guess that IS sort of what your post insinuated people do...

8.) I have boobs. [Ed Note: here they are]

Okay, there you have it. The rest is up to you, my friend.

Love,
Kari

Clever Hipsters Re-Name Bush Street Obama Street

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Video: This Kid Needs to Work on His Pitch

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:50:00 GMT

Yep, this is about how we remember the pool of candidates in the dating world. Without further ado: "Lookin for a girlfriend."

Don't all knock each other over racing to respond to his offer.

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

This is Where Prostitution Might Move Once Kicked Off Craigslist

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

I saw a commercial for a mating service called Online Booty Call, and at first thought it was a joke. Nope! 'Tis real. It's probably no different from Adult Friend Finder, but still...that name! It's just all right out in the open, isn't it? And to see it advertised on TV was a bit surprising.

A quick visit without joining reveals the above graphic done in Terrence- and- Philip- style animation, Booty Call Commandments, customer testimonials, and rather average-looking members with entertaining poses or user names...

Highlights from the 10 BC Commandments:

"Thou shalt get out before the sun rises."

"Thou shouldest never ask, 'Can we see each other from now on?'"

"There shall be no cuddling-- ever!"

Testimonials:

I met this guy on your site and for the last seven weeks it has been on.

Thanx OBC, I have had three dates in the last two weeks and they just keep getting better and more freaky.

Finally, a few thumbnails of members, including a crazy cat man! At least...looks like a man in the thumbnail...

"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

Review: Mail Goggles

Scanner Roundtable: All the Single Ladies, Would You Date a Guy (or Gal) With Kids?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:24:00 GMT

Since moving back to the Midwest, I've encountered something I never had to deal with in New York: dating dads, including one very cute very bearded bartender and multiple suitors from online dating sites. I wrote more extensively on this over at The Frisky last week, but I wonder what the Scanner crowd has to say about it? Could you date a guy with kids? Would it depend on whether he had them full time or not?

Related:

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Scanner Roundtable: Is Oral Sex Overrated?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

The Future of Dating

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:09:00 GMT

Yesterday we asked if dating was dead. It's not, said the majority of Scanner commenters. It's alive, and according to this Abstruse Goose cartoon, it has an even higher-tech future than current dating.

More Abstruse Goose here.

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Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

Wife Catch You Online Dating? Try Ashley Madison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Want to have sex with other people, but too much of a complete assface not to file for divorce or discuss it with your spouse? No more do you have to create Nerve personals profiles and defile have the metropolitan area before someone finds you out.

Finally, for everybody who's ever wanted to spice up their sex life by bringing home STD's, there's Ashley Madison...

Ashley Madison is the brainchild of those doucheturds who created Hot or Not (does that even exist? why?) and, long after its launch, it has finally caught on thanks to its tagline, "Life Is Short, Have An Affair" (we're not making that up), and its widely-circulated open letter to adulterer Eliot Spitzer. Now, founder Noah Biderman opens up to Bitter Lawyer about why Ashley Madison even exists, whether he cheats on his wife, and why his Mom is proud of his career choice:

[T]he majority of people on AshleyMadison are not necessarily seeking a new relationship. Rather, they are seeking the physical intimacy that is lacking from their current relationship.
[We] attract a more sophisticated, educated, high-income member base. Lawyers and bankers seem to be our largest professional groups.

The women on the service really fall into three different groups: 1) The soccer mom/desperate housewife who feels totally under-appreciated in her current relationship; 2) the quintessential mistress who is not interested in settling down and getting married; 3) young, attached/married women who either feel that the man they are currently with is not the man they can stay with for the rest of their lives, or that they have made a mistake in getting married, but before they get any deeper, they are seeking what else might be out there waiting for them.
I may not convince those who believe infidelity is “wrong” to start believing that it is “right,” but I am positive that I have helped people accept that it is part of the human condition, and that if we start asking the question “why” people cheat, we might find some interesting answers.
I am married with two beautiful children. I think it is important for people to understand that this is not some kind of crusade or personal outlet for me... I woke up one morning and found myself in the arms of a very demanding “mistress” called AshleyMadison.
What I like to jokingly tell people critical of my current role is that my mother is finally proud of her son’s career… After all, I used to be a lawyer.

You can search profiles on Ashley Madison... although we don't recommend it.

Via Bitter Lawyer.

Related:

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Infidelity: Blame It On My Hormones

Creepy Dudes Now Using Sex Tapes To Blackmail You Into... Giving Them Nude Photos?

Ayn Rand Dating Site: Worst Form of Hell or Best Idea Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:57:00 GMT

That headline may be a bit misleading, so let's clarify.

The question is, which side are we on, the side that thinks an Ayn Rand matchmaking site is the scariest thing ever or the side that sees this as a great way to keep crazy egomaniacs away from Nerve and other dating sites, and therefore out of our gene pool?

When we read about this in last week's New York, part of us thought it was funny-- "look at these freaks in their freak kingdom! They're so direct and honest, they're like World of Warcraft nerds with their 'Must be a level 2,030,394 gamer or don't IM me.' It's almost adorable!" Then we started thinking about it: this may be the greatest dating site ever. Why hadn't we thought of it before? Create a bunch of dating sites that would attract the scary types away from Nerve and the rest of the supposedly "general" dating sites, leaving only (potentially) decent candidates.

If you don't believe us, just take a gander at the quality profiles already created for The Atlasphere:

Michael, Naples, Florida
Long ago a very dear friend, Angie, turned me on to Ayn Rand and Atlas Shrugged.

Parenthetically, she also turned me on in other ways. Alas, our relationship remained Platonic.

Contact Me If You … : are Angie.

dpvabc, Edmonton, Canada
My name is Daniel. I consider myself to be a born-again egoist and I have dedicated the rest of my life to self-improvement. People see me as a socially inept loner because I tend to avoid superficial conversation but actually I love talking to people who like to think (the problem being I don’t know very many).

thustotyrants, Selden, New York
[I am] short, stark, and mansome.

You should contact me if you are a skinny woman.

Curiously, few of the applicants seem to be females. Wonder why...

Via New York.

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The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:49:00 GMT

"Dave Barmy" is seen here with his actual/virtual mistress.

A nerdtastic couple in the UK is going through a divorce, thanks to the wife walking in on the husband with a "homewrecker" of a Second Life character.

We thought the story would end there, with the delusional nerd thinking it was worth losing a marriage for an online cuddle, but then the wife had to go and get involved with someone herself...

It turns out that "Dave Barmy," a.k.a. real life humanoid Dave Pollard, "cheated" in the online game by hiring a virtual prostitute (dude... we are speechless-- you're married in real life and you risk the end of your relationship by cheating... with a video game hooker?) And even though Pollard had no physical contact with another woman, spouse Amy Taylor called the online affair "the ultimate betrayal." Then Taylor decided not only to hire a virtual private investigator (!) for help with her divorce case, but to get a little action of her own:

Taylor was quoted by newspapers including The Guardian and The Times of London on Friday as saying she has found a new man in an alternative cyber universe, World of Warcraft.

Pollard says he is already virtually engaged and can't wait to marry his new fiance "in rl" -- short for "real life."

Good luck, kids.

Via Times and CBS.

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Throbbing Hearts Can Get Kind of Messy

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:37:00 GMT

From the woman interested in "reverse alien technology" to the dude who'll only have sex from behind, the new "dating" website ThrobbingHearts.com has a really, er, unique selection of singles. Looks like the bottom of the barrel is where all the fun lives.

Our favorite profile after the jump:

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

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Scanner Roundtable: Could You Date a Bisexual Man? (A Question for the Ladies)

Emily Farris — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:04:00 GMT

Yes, yes. I know this is the plot of an early Sex and the City episode, but it's an issue that's reappeared in my online dating life. A few men who openly identify as "bisexual" have shown interest, but I'm not interested. Perhaps it's because I have one too many gay ex-boyfriends (hey, I was in musical theater in high school) and am too insecure about the whole thing?

But enough about me—ladies, could you date a bisexual man? And homosexual men, how do you feel about dating bisexual men?

["I couldn't help but wonder..."] why are women so much more uncomfortable dating bisexual men than men are dating bisexual women?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me An Online Match

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We've had nothing but excellent luck with Nerve Personals, so why should we try a traditional matchmaking service, via online dating?

Time Magazine reports on SawYouAtSinai.com (real website), which relies on 365 real-life matchmakers to fix up its 35,000 Jewish members. As the site's founder points out, in the past, matchmakers worked from a pool of maybe a hundred, maybe a dozen names, depending on what kind of community the bachelor or bachelorette came from.

Some facts:

1) Orthodox rabbis have approved the site because profiles are not accessible by others until a match has been made.

2) The lead matchmaker, the apparently legendary Tova Weinberg, works eight hours per day on the site, perusing profiles and lining up hundreds or even the 1,000 dates a week that's she's claimed.

3) Even Weinberg knows online dating and matchmaking services are (no pun intended) no match for the real thing: for her older clients, she walks around her gym, talking to people, trying to set up dates one-on-one or through a friend. "I ask every man, 'Do you know an older, single man who lost his wife?,' and I call and set them up," she says. "Right after their wives died. I was like a hawk."

4) Although the website is for Jews only, the founders plan to expand the service to include Mormons and "South Asian expats." So, um, yeah, stick with Nerve, thank you very much...

Via Time.

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Guy Lucky "Online Date From Hell" Didn't Have A Body Count

Bryan Christian — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:59:00 GMT

Normally, we love date-from-hell stories, but there's something about the Exorcist-like tale told by "justinmartinez" at Superbeast Creative that -- if it is true -- smacks us the wrong way.

8:30 PM - Im sitting in my living room and she comes out of the bathroom. Covering herself with a blanket and still full of puke. She lays on my couch, grabs her phone, and begins calling her friends like nothing has happened.

8:40 PM - She is starting to pass out. I ask if she needs a ride somewhere or if someone is coming to get her. She says a friend is coming to get her. She then completely passes out on my couch.

Dude, count yourself lucky that you've never heretofore had to deal with anyone who's just done heroin -- and count yourself double lucky that this chick (who clearly has a problem and should be directed somewhere safe ASAP) didn't OD in your bed.

Boys Who Love Serial Killers and The Girls Who Don't Love Them

Katie Halper — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:12:00 GMT

Here's some free advice for men trying to meet women online. Although it may seem counterintuitive, don't tell us your favorite book is about a misogynist serial killer.

When surfing the online personals, you will run into a surprising number of (not surprisingly) single men who list American Psycho as their favorite book and/ or movie. Now, men, I don't blame you for not knowing any better, because you are from Mars and women are from Venus. But, when trying to put your best online foot forward, you actually don't want to tell us that you get hot and bothered over the story of a misogynist serial killer. And no, the movie I list as my favorite on my own online profile is not Monster. It's The Trial of Lorena Bobbit.

I Found My Sugardaddie and So Can You!

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 20:01:00 GMT

We're done trying to meet successful, intelligent men at the library. We just found sugardaddie.com, "where the classy, attractive and affluent meet."

Seriously, thank goodness for MySpace ads or we'd never have found out about this, and him, our future Sugardaddie:

Do you think he'll take us to see Hall and Oates in Atlantic City in April? And hey, if it doesn't work out with this guy, Eliot Spitzer might be single soon.

[sugardaddie.com]