Scanner : olympics

Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Top 5 Charlize Theron Sex Scenes

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:00 GMT

We don't watch TV. Period. We download Breaking Bad, watch 30 Rock online, and sneak over to the neighbors when Weeds is airing new episodes. Other than that, there's really no reason to ever turn on the television for anything but DVDs or Nintendo.

But we kind of wish we'd seen this broadcast of Dancing With the Stars because we'd like to think we would have caught it before Deadpsin did...

And the detail that censors missed:

That Johnson (no, the other one) belongs to Marc Ballas (no pun intended), who is suddenly the most famous member (no pun intended) of this pair (really, this is unintentional.) As Deadpsin notes, Shawn is not exactly thrilled with this week's developments-- first, some crazy guy may have tried to kidnap her; then, the above image, which is all anyone wants to talk about from her performance.

Then again, she should have said something to Marc-- doesn't she know what that kind of fabric will do to a guy's Johnson and Ballas?

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

The Tale of the Penis Thief

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Emily Farris — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:41:00 GMT

The nearly naked girl Michael Phelps has been spotted with his not his girlfriend. Mmmkay? [Us]

Another one (of our potential future husbands) bites the dust. Sam Talbot, ~~winner~~ runner up from Season 2 of Top Chef got married in a secret ceremony last month, further increasing my chances of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. [People]

If you're selling pictures you took of Amy Winehouse smoking crack, it's possible you were also smoking (or selling) crack and might go to jail. [Radar]

What does Harvey Weinstein have to say about yesterday's Golden Globe nominations? [Vulture]

Just in time for us to go all batshit on it, Facebook is now totally legit! Donald Graham, chairman and chief executive of the Washington Post Co, has agreed to join the board of directors. [Yahoo!]

Kanye West is looking for an internship. No, not an intern, an internship. [FadedYouth]

White House officials turned down Barack Obama's request to move into The Blair House—where incoming presidents usually stay before inauguration—early so that his daughters, Sasha and Malia could start school on time. We hear the Red Roof Inn is really nice, though. [NYT]

[Image]

This Week in Gayness: Gotta Love Them Bathhouses

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:37:00 GMT

For the ten millionth time in a row, research suggests being gay is not a choice.

Have you heard about the Day Without a Gay? No, it's not some Fred Phelps extraordinary rendition program, it's a pro-gay event on December 10th in which gay people will not participate in the economy.

Next Friday, possibly-gay Florida Governor Charlie Crist is getting married. So, in light of the recent statewide amendment banning same-sex marriage, pro-gay advocates are going to protest and possibly even invade the wedding itself.

We're surprised Michael Phelps went along with A Very Gay 60 Minutes, but he's always been, you know, a good sport. [Watch here]

Linda Harvey is a scary bitch:

"Males need to stop having homosexual sex," said Harvey. "That means, close homosexual hang-outs, especially all bathhouses. Patrol public parks and arrest men having sex in public toilets. Stop sponsoring large public events, like Folsom Street Fair, that allow public sex and nudity. Ignore the screams of the homosexual lobby when officials do the right thing, even for them. Think of the lives that would be saved and disability prevented." [G-A-Y]

If you're a church that financially supported Prop 8, you may be saying goodbye to your tax-exempt status. Yeah, like the government is going to fuck with the churches.

And don't forget Milk is out in theaters, getting excellent reviews.

This Week In Gayness: Rise Above The Hate

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

UPDATE: Alain Baxter's Nude Calendar Artier Than We Expected

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Back in August, we posted a story about Alain Baxter, the Olympic skier who was stripped of his medal after what we considered an innocent mistake.

In that post, we noted Baxter was working on a topless wall calendar and we promised to share it with you if it turned out to be halfway decent. Well, from what we've seen so far, it will far exceed our erotic expectations...

Here's the cover of the calendar... and a link to its excellent photographs. (By the way, in case you've forgotten, all proceeds go toward Baxter's training for the 2010 Olympics, for which he will attempt an unprecedented comeback.)

UPDATE: Alain writes in:

sorry for the delay in getting back to you, i am in austria training at the moment and i dont have all the shots with me, will this one do for just now? i dont know if it's big enough or not...

Well, Alain, the ladies here seem to agree it is indeed "big enough." See the added photo, below, for yourself:

Here's a preview of the rest.

Related:

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Nude Photo Book Just Made Famous French Actress A Lot More Famous

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:45:00 GMT

Just a few weeks ago, the nation (and, in particular, this blog) jumped for joy when Olympians from Amanda Beard to Michael Phelps were the subject of nude (or at least very revealing) photos. Literally, the day after the closing ceremonies, interest in these photos dried up... and so, apparently, did the pipeline that flooded us with so many treasures.

But javelin thrower Leryn Franco is not content to fade into hotness obscurity just yet, especially since she missed out on the nudie wave back in the day...

Franco, who hails from the sensational nation of Paraguay and finished second-to-last in Beijing, at least has modeling to fall back onto: the below photos are from an undetermined fashion show at an undetermined location. (Who is the idiot who posted these online without saying where they came from?)

Anyway, enjoy... although we can't provide any more info or an explanation for the bizarre nature of at least one of these pics...

Related:

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Video of the Day: Olympians And Their Tacos

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

National Topless Day Is A Gigantic Success

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Sloppy Seconds: Was Lilo Just Joking About the Whole Coming Out Thing? Yeah, Sure.

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:02:00 GMT

D.J. AM has been released from the hospital following the plane crash that left him and Travis Barker badly burned and four people dead. [Us]

Move over Katie Couric; Rachel Maddow is the new queen of news. [Queerty]

Is ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" getting another surprise sibling? [Yahoo!]

Apparently we're all supposed to go and listen to Britney Spears' new song now. [MTV]

US Olympic swim champ Michael Phelps says he's no sex symbol. We agree, but women around the world do not. [People]

OMG! Lilo was totally not saying she was a lesbian when she said that she and Sam Ronson had been together "a very long time." [MollyGood]

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:44:00 GMT

Hey, he's a got a right to blow off some steam... and some other things...

Radar writer Neel Shah (yes, that's how he spells it) stumbled, perhaps drunkenly, on Michael Phelps' Vegas Vacation the other night and snapped some naughty photos of him...

Why are they naughty? Because, dude, you're not supposed to do this to strippers...

We're not sure what the rules are at The Playboy Club, where these photos were allegedly taken, but for the crime of sexually molesting a dancer, most people would've been taken into one of those infamous strip bar backrooms for a game of arm wrestling, in which customers always to Manny The Grip. Speaking of grips:

"It was unreal," says Neel. "Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over... I've never seen such an aggressive grip."

By the way, we're not saying he's a scumbag or anything, just pointing out that maybe we should look at this from the stripper's point of view. Rarely do they enjoy being touched, although in this case, they may have made a patriotic exception...

Via Radar.

Related:

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

According to the Huffington Post, Nielsen says that, in addition to the 80,000 people who saw the speech in person, 38 million people watched Obama the nomination last night on television, "more... than watched the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, the final American Idol or the Academy Awards this year."

Well, John McCain's nap could beat the Academy Awards any day, but the real question is: what did we think of the speech?

Early reports are glowing-- at least from the media. But they don't know a damn thing about the public, as evidenced by every story about the election up until Iowa, their wrong guesses on what Obama would say last night, etc. etc.

If you're like us and think the Democratic leadership is generally made up of whimps who have to play nice with a guy who doesn't play nice back, check out this relatively amusing (although pretty thin) John McCain Honorable Attack Generator.

Image via Code Pink.

Barack Obama Takes It to the Hole in a Pair of Very Short Shorts

Into The Wild: The Last of the Democratic Delegates

Classy Hillary Clinton Nominates Obama To The Tearful Strains Of Her Supporters' Hand Claps

Next Up For Michael Phelps: Television Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:00 GMT

This post was written by guest blogger Sean Flanagan.

Michael Phelps, the soon-to-be super rich record-breaking Olympian, is trying to expand his global fame by becoming affiliated with MTV award ceremonies and Saturday Night Live...

Oh wait, he's an athlete and may not be able to act. When will Lorne Michaels, that silly Canadian, learn his lesson?

How many athletes – or politicians while we're at it - can you have on your show (let alone giving them the season priemere!) before you realize that they cannot carry a show?

Lorne's show is, let's face it, in the dumps. The 90s were glorious, the 00’s not so much. You went from a cast that every major featured player went on to be twenty-million-dollar-a-movie stars to a cast where the talented people have been brushed aside in favor of Andy Samberg and recurring characters that weren’t funny the first time around.

Michael Jordan
Nancy Kerrigan
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Jonny Moseley
Derek Jeter (though he was kinda good-- see above photo)

Let the Olympian be on a box of cereal, cut a few ribbons, do 20/20 soft focus lens takes with Babawawa and fade into the record books. Meanwhile, SNL needs to bounce back in a serious way this season and find a way to achieve relevance again after having long since lost Tina Fey to become TV's hottest geek on 30 Rock...

Related:

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Al Franken Is For Real This Time, Seriously

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Video of the Day: Olympians And Their Tacos

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:10:00 GMT

At least in this video, Ortega is not the champion of great-- or even good-- taste.

Unless, of course, they're clueless about the ramificiations of having (sixteen-year-old gold medal Iowaist) Shawn Johnson say, "It makes my taco pop." In an unrelated story, Gary Glitter said he will next hide out in Mexico.

Previously: Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:31:00 GMT

Both women wish they were in the Olympics, but weren't invited. Both were the subject of digital nude renderings leaked by unknown parties. And both look incredible naked, with their glorious natural breasts.

Hey, find us two naked guys in the news these days and we'll have a Who Would You Rather? with them two... otherwise, it's females galore...

Sara Boberg (above) is a Swedish crossbowoman who can't compete in the Olympics until the next time around, when the sport will finally become worthy of speedwalking and that shuffleboard thing the Canadians love so much. Her pics leaked about two weeks ago... and we made sure to post the best ones...

Keeley Hazell-- you remember her? British model? Told the press she was saving herself for marriage? Then her sex tape, made with a live-in boyfriend, came out a few weeks later? Yeah, good times...

Check it out here... and don't forget to vote in this week's most important election:

Swedish Crossbowoman Misses Out On '08 Olympics, But Moonlights Nude Anyway

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics

Naked Olympians: Cyclist Rebecca Romero

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:08:00 GMT

Under the guise of posting about eighteen-year-old Olympian powerhouse Natasia Liukin (above), The Improper and Egotastic are both asking for it when they leak these Miley Cyrus-esque poses of jailbait gold medalist Shawn Johnson wearing a bikini and prancing about...

Well, they're basically asking for a lot of pervs to find their pages via Google image search, while the rest of us just say, Hey, there's nothing wrong with celebrating the female form in its finest, most triumphant glory, but we'll wait another couple of years and, in the meantime, stick to drooling over Victoria Pendleton...

Meanwhile, Johnson, who won a gold a set of silvers, is apparently such a huge celebrity now, the pilot on her recent flight from Chicago to New York had to be taken to the hospital after bumping his head from excitement when he heard she was on a plane. Thousands in her home state of Iowa turned out to see a glimpse of her, as if she were all four Beatles rolled into one.

We're sure to be seeing more of these types of candids leaking out... which will only add to her fame, of course.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Olympic Mania

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

While You Were Sleeping: Olympic Mania

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:12:00 GMT

The 1982 and 1986 gubernatorial elections in California do not bode well for Obama's candidacy in 2008-- in a roundabout but interesting way. (As you may have heard, the troubled campaign picked Senate lion Joe Biden to do its Vice Presidential politicking.)

Interestingly, half of this country's conservatives think houses of worship should leave politics alone, up 20% from just a few years ago.

Two scary car crashes this weekend involving celebrities: David and Victoria Beckham as well as four members of Helena Bonham Carter's family...

[Bonham Carter's] cousin Fiona Bonham Carter, 51, escaped with a broken shoulder. But Fiona's son Marcus Egerton-Warburton, 14, her mother Brenda, 74, and stepfather Francis Kirkwood, 75, all died. Fiona's sister-in-law Kay Boardman, 54, also perished in the crash...
[David Beckham was] on the way to Nice airport to catch his plane to China, the pair was involved in a horrific crash, which left their black BMW with a smashed windscreen and extensive damage along the passenger side. David Beckham reportedly smashed the car laterally into a wall - leaving his wife severely shaken.

Beckham was photographed embracing a tearful Victoria in the car and comforting her, before he raced to the departure lounge with her father Tony Adams. Beckham was forced to run to catch his flight, leaving his distraught partner with the wrecked car. [via Starpulse]

A man was arrested for crashing the Olympics while wearing a tutu and women's underwear.

The New York Press on gymnasts who didn't make the cut at the Olympic trials: "Instead of going on to win medals, they have to dress up likes fantasy sailors and do a strip tease to earn a few bucks." See what the writer is talking about here.

This woman points out what we've noticed for a long time: female volleyball players play in sexy outfits, but dudes don't have to wear Speedos. Why is that?

We still don't know who Maxim's #1 girl Marisa Miller is, but Victoria's Secret certainly does...

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

Marisa Miller is Sports Illustrated's 2008 Swimsuit Issue Cover Model

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We figure, what with all the topless women running around the site this week, we're going to offset it with some ridiculous Speedo action... and the following stories...

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole has figured out how to trap men. Luckily, this post didn't say anything about marriage...

A nationwide rally reminds us women are allowed to go bare-breasted in public in this country. As one reader put it, who besides Fred Phelps is dumb enough to disallow this behavior?

More naked Olympian dudes, please. And any excuse to show Daniel Radcliffe in the buff is fine by us.

We have no problem saying a repeat pervert harassing women at work deserves some pain-- unless he wants it, of course.

Michael Phelps, you may be awesome and you may be entitled to any mermaid you want, but stay away from the redhead who's in "The Little Mermaid" Broadway show, okay? We called dibs months ago.

And we celebrated the opening of the Erotic Heritage Museum, where this blog will hopefully end up someday...

LOWS:

This guy wants women to go topless... in his office. By the way: he's a married father of two and the women who wants to go topless are the teenage interns at his job as a New York State Assemblyman.

Googlers in Kentucky and Virginia are very interested in sex, but not the pretty kind, we don't think...

Floridians, meanwhile, are too concerned that a bigoted asshole gets away with his crimes to be Googling "lesbian sex."

We kinda wish these mean ol' debate coaches had overseen the lives of those "Spellbound" kids-- now that would be a movie!

This could also be a high point in our week-- the story of a couple that got tasered and jailed and their wedding night, then repeated the joyous experience the following evening.

Thanks for the Memories Bela Karolyi!

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:50:00 GMT

OK. We know we've hit it hard on the Olympics coverage what with the naked swimmers, Michael Phelps' penis positions and the toddlers on the Chinese gymnastics team. We know you're over it and you want us to get onto more important topics like what Paris Hilton's vagina eats for dinner and what Daniel Radcliffe does when he's not naked (cause really, we have no idea why this man would ever bother to put on clothes). We hear you! We're not going to be stuck reliving the past like former college quarterbacks who now own used car dealerships. The Olympics are over on Sunday and we will quit it, cold turkey.

This is our last Olympics-themed post. Or at least it's Scanner Nicole's last Olympics-themed post and it's on a topic near and dear to her heart...

Bela Karolyi. We remember gymnastics coach Bela Karolyi from the 1996 Olympics lugging a broken Keri Strugg around on his shoulders. But if he was weird and mustachioed as a coach, he's only gotten stranger as an announcer. His fervent love of gymnastics even managed to freak out the toupeed robotic Bob Costas.

The man loves him some women's gymnastics. Especially some American women's gymnastics. We support this. Bela, we don't care what people say about your monomanical fixation on Chinese gymnasts' ages and your harsh training methods. These are haters, who don't understand your commitment to the whoosh of the uneven bars, the thud of the balance beam and the crash of non-American dreams being shattered.

As a tribute, we'd like to visit an old Karolyi educational endeavor. Here is Gymnastics Fun With Bela Karolyi Part 1. Watch his underweight minions prance around the sweatshop that is Bela's lair with only one thought--OLYMPICS! See the lasers! Feel the passion of the mats! Try desperately to understand what the hell he is saying underneath that thick Hungarian accent.

Bela this one's for you!

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:45:00 GMT

The Coltrane Kids are cooler than we were in the second grade, that's for sure.

A 20-year-old Wisconsin woman was arrested for her overdue library fines. Um, I thought we were supposed to be promoting reading among our youth...

Sienna Miller's house was vandalized last night. Some sicko left the following graffiti:

Jerry Seinfeld is leading a $300 million ad campaign to salvage Windows Vista.

5 Americans were arrested for merely putting up the words "Free Tibet" in Beijing.

A trio of swingers are dead after a triangle went real, real bad.

Jean Reno, star of Leon, aka The Professional, is in the hospital after suffering a serious heart attack.

Coldplay is already gearing up to release another album, produced by Brian Eno, tentatively scheduled for next year.

The equestrian competition at this year's Olympics was thrown into turmoil today following these shocking revelations:

The four horses were found to have been given capsaicin, a substance prohibited because of its pain-relieving properties.
The horse Camiro, ridden by Tony Andre Hansen, was part of Norway's bronze-medal line-up in the team show jumping.
The other three horses are Ireland's Lantinus, ridden by Dennis Lynch; Brazil's Chupa Chup, ridden by Bernardo Alves; and Germany's Coster, ridden by Christian Ahlmann.

These people should be jailed for giving drugs to horses. Jailed in China. (That'll teach 'em.)

Olympic Committee to Stop Pretending Chinese Gymnasts Are Actually 16

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:09:00 GMT

While we were "researching" our earlier post about Perez Hilton we came across an article on the "new information" regarding potential Chinese gymnast age fraud. Apparently the International Olympic Committee has learned about the documents listing Chinese gymnast He Kexin's age as 14 instead of 16. According to Olympic guidelines gymnasts must be 16 to compete. They now had to promise to investigate the alleged misreporting.

We told you about these documents yesterday. They were uncovered by an American search engine hacker named stryde.hax and found deep in the depths of a Chinese search engine.

According to Epoch Times:

The widely publicised blog site by hacker “stryde.hax” has detailed documents found in search engine caches that suggest He Kexin's real birth year to be 1994. All of the links to the documents have been rapidly disappearing from live sites, sparking concerns of internet censorship.

Philippe Filacci, Head of Media Operations for the International Gymnastics Federation, presently in Beijing, confirmed that he was aware of the new evidence. "We are investigating it," he said in a phone interview.

Ah we get it, they're young. It's over. Someone tell Bela Karolyi to relax and go spot some 85-pound girl on the balance beam.

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:07:00 GMT

Alain Baxter is a Scottish skier who won a Bronze in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. However, following a puff from a Vick's inhaler, which had traces of meth, a controversial decision by the IOC stripped him of that medal-- despite his having been cleared of wrongdoing.

Now, in a bid to raise his profile ahead of the 2010 games, he's going to streak down a mountain. Not really, but we do get a partially-nude photo from his calendar out of the deal...

According to the Scottish Sun, Baxter's

desperate for sponsors’ cash as he hits the comeback trail.
So the 34-year-old Superstars telly ace decided to "do a Beckham" by peeling off for his own nude fund-raising calender.
Last night Alain of Stirling, said: "I want to be on the podium in 2010 at the Winter Olympics. But I need help to continue my training."

Wife Sheila added: "I told Alain he needed more exposure and he took it literally."

Sheila also added, albeit not in the Sun story, that she thinks her husband is almost as good looking as David Beckham. Almost? Why, thanks, darling...

Anyway, what do you think? Better than Becks? And would you want to see more photos from this session, when and if we locate them?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Naked Olympic Swimmers Edition

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Brazilian Synchronized Swimmers Are No Joke!

So How Old Are Those Chinese Gymnasts Anyway?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:40:00 GMT

Probably about as old as you think they are and probably not as old as they claim to be.

Thanks to one very sophisticated Google search (described here) by search engine hacker stryde.haxwe can see that He Kexin was probably born in 1994 rather than in 1992 as reported making her 14 years old instead of 16 and therefore not eligible to compete in the Olympics.

What news! We wonder if that hacker could manage to figure out what drugs Michael Phelps is on. Now that would be a discovery.

Naked Olympians: Cyclist Rebecca Romero

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:51:00 GMT

As long as the athletes keep taking their clothes off in front of the camera, we will keep writing about the Olympics. This is the face of British cyclist Rebecca Romero. Below this photo of her face is a naked, naked body.

Despite these naked photos, Romano is actually pretty special. In Athens in 2004 she won a silver medal in rowing, but now, in 2008 she's won a gold for the weirdly unrelated sport of track cycling. And now, it's time to get nude.

Bare-ass biking after the jump.

Sad to report that the complete nudity is fake. Rebecca's mother reports that she was wearing undies during the shoot, but that they were Photoshopped out. Way to maintain modesty and restraint. Actually, we're relieved to hear that she had some protection from the seat which looks like it would really, er, hurt.

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:02:00 GMT

Because there is no other human being on the planet right now, we will regale you with rumors about the field of woman Michael Phelps is currently plowing. It should go without saying Phelps must take this 8 Gold Medal situation and turn it into sex with everyone he's ever even remotely fanticized about. Honestly, why else would a person bother to swim that fast, if not to get massively laid afterward.

So! Without the recommended period of slutitization, Phelps has reportedly taken a lover. And who are the potential champions of Micheal Phelps' heart?

None other than naked, drippy PETA protester Amanda Beard and some random model named Lily Donaldson.

Whoooo.

Seriously dude, you need to understand! We don't really get your hang-jaw appeal, but we realize that you could have anyone, and that includes Jessica Biel..or Jessica Alba...even Johnny Depp, if you wanted him.

If we were you we'd take the Biel and run her off to love island before you're pecs soften and she forgets your name. Take her! Now!

And while we're at it, Scannerites, if you miraculously woke up as the Phelps tomorrow morning who would you give it to?

Related:

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Swedish Crossbowoman Misses Out On '08 Olympics, But Moonlights Nude Anyway

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:56:00 GMT

The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

The Onion asks the question that's been on all our minds since this whole "Olympics" thing began.

But we have a few more details we're trying to flush out? For example, when will the Chinese drop the nets? Are there going to be sharks? Or spears? Or sharks with spears? And will Michael Phelps set another record, this time for swimming his way out of them?

Related: Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Swedish Crossbowoman Misses Out On '08 Olympics, But Moonlights Nude Anyway

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Even though crossbow will not be an Olympic sport until 2012, Swedish team member Sara Boberg decided not to wait four years to engage in the Games' seemingly integral moonlighting activity: posing naked...

We'd have had a huge crush on this lovely lass, even if we had seen the above photo without the below ones, which we're guessing were leaked by a vengeful ex...

Images via various blogs. More photos here.

Related:

Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

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Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:20:00 GMT

It's nice to see Donald Trump doing something selfless, especially if it involves buying property and still somehow being selfless about it.

The troops give to Obama over McCain by a six-to-one ratio. We're thinking it might have something to do with that whole "100 years in Iraq" thing.

Kate Winslet says having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio in their new movie was "weird..." Perhaps because her husband was watching her:

But is was during a love scene that Winslet suddenly felt uncomfortable having her husband directing the picture.
She says, "I just kept saying, 'This is too... weird.' And Leo was like, 'Oh, get over it.' And I'm going, 'Yeah, a little reminder: You're my best friend. He's my husband. This is a bit weird.'
"I hadn't realised how much my chemistry with him since Titanic would still stick. It's great to discover we can just slip right into it, like muscle memory."

Is the next Harry Potter movie, now delayed all the way to July, going to bomb?

Frank Sinatra, stud to the end: his one shared kiss with Kate Moss sent the model wobbling, to the point where she had to take a seat.

Miley Cyrus can't get rid of this blogger/hacker who is spreading these photos of the star in her underwear all over the web.

And Leryn Franco and Victoria Pendleton shed their cothes to get a little more attention. Just a bit more.

Related:

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The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics

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The Top 10 Most Overrated Movies Of The Past 14 Years

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Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:02:00 GMT

At least Michael Phelps doesn't exaggerate his athletic prowess.

It seems our very own swimming sensation is trying to steal some thunder from Germany's Olympians, Amanda Beard, and those twin hotties from Brazil with his very own decent exposure...

Of course, Phelps didn't pose for Playboy or any other publication. He certainly wasn't trying to perform a nude shoot for us, but that's basically what he did with the above swimwear "modeling." The below photo is just begging for a Caption This, so have at it...

Thanks to "profrobert" for the tip. We'll let him have the last word:

He wears it *up*? I know about "dressing left" and "dressing right," but "dressing up"? That looks so . . . uncomfortable.

Well, it could be a boner...

Photos via Mokers.org.

Related:

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

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The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:30:00 GMT

With seemingly every other female Olympian posing topless for one cause or another, four German athletes decided hey, what the hell, why not get something out of this whole crazy Beijing thing?

Unfortunately, not all four appear together. According to featured field hockey player Katharina Scholz (pictured above), their schedules did not allow them to time it so they could pose on the same day. But Scholz is willing to speak on behalf of the whole fabulous foursome when she says, following her team's victory over the United States yesterday (ah, we forgive you):

"I think now I have to play hockey and later talk about things like [Playboy]. I think it's a good opportunity but it's not important for me for now...

"The most important thing for me is playing hockey. And because I am playing hockey, I got the opportunity to go on Playboy. Otherwise I wouldn't. I have no plans on a career in modelling."

The September issue of Playboy's German edition will feature four covers, each featuring one of the following photos:

You know what first comes to our minds when we saw these: Can an atrocious MTV reality show be far behind? They really do look like a cross between Desperate Housewives At 24 and The Real World: Dresden...

Via Playboy (Germany) and National Nine News.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Naked Olympic Swimmers Edition

St. Louis Nude Bike Protest Points To An Emerging Trend

Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Look Out! Olympic Swimmer Amanda Beard Is Naked Again...

Mischa Barton Strips For Nylon, Three More Minutes Of Fame

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

Secrets of Synchronized Swimming

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:46:00 GMT

Since we can't get super hot Brazilian synchronized swimmers Bia and Bianca Feres out of our heads--that their photo is on our desktop probably doesn't help--we're going to share this list of secrets of synchronized swimming with you.

It seems synchronized swimming is not as fruity as it looks. Actually it's quite difficult. As you read, keep in mind, Bia and Bianca do all of these things.

Examples include:

Synchronized swimmers can hold their breath underwater for 3 minutes.

They put Jello in their hair: Swimmers buy a package of regular Knox (a.k.a. unflavored Jello), mix it with water and then brush it on their hair before competition...The paste keeps the hair stiff and in place throughout competition. A shower in really hot water is the only way to break loose.

In synchronized swimming the athletes can follow along with the music because of underwater speakers.

These are all very interesting secrets, unfortunately none of them will help us land a synchronized swimmer. We are holding out for that list.