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Victoria's Secret Suit

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:18:00 GMT

Hey ladies-- and gents who like that sort of thing-- do your Victoria's Secret bras bother the living hell out of you?

You're not alone, as we found out from this story out of Cleveland, Ohio...

It turns out there's a big class action lawsuit in the works, with up to 2,000 pairs of boobs claiming damages, brought about by a guy who makes the ambulance-chasing John Travolta character from A Civil Action look like John Paul the Second. (He's quoted as saying about the tit-tarnishing: "All of the women's breasts looked alike," said attorney John Climaco of Cleveland. "It brought tears to your eyes. They're scarred.") What brought tears to this po' countray boy's eyes is described as a rash in the cleavage that irritates the bejesus outta the ladies.

The lawsuit accuses the retailer and its Columbus-based parent company, Limited Brands Inc., of misrepresenting the safety of their products, failing to warn customers of problems and concealing knowledge of defective merchandise.

The women seek in excess of $5 million combined, plus compensation for medical expenses, pain and mental anguish.

At first, [plaintiffs] Ritter and Climaco attributed her afflictions to formaldehyde, a chemical used in clothing manufacturing to help retain shapes. But that strategy fell through after independent tests failed to find formaldehyde in Victoria's Secret bras and concluded that Ritter was not allergic to the chemical.

Whoops. If you have the same symptoms, you might want to start your own case-- we're better this is going to get tossed in no time.

Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

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Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan's Car Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

An Italian doctor performing brain surgery suffered a heart attack during the operation, but completed it anyway at the risk of his own life.

Amy Poehler's new show is in trouble already.

If the police can't stop a woman's stalker from harassing her on and off for a year-and-a-half, isn't she allowed to take the law into her own hands? Isn't it self-defense?

Lindsay Lohan was involved in her third car accident in as many weeks. Then she goes and says she never "drinks, do[es] drugs, or lie[s.]" We believe that, yep.

It was inevitable: Nevada plans to tax prostitution at $5 a pop.

Robin Williams is in Ohio, recovering from heart surgery.

Sometimes sex tapes are helpful: a guy recorded a prositute giving him a blow job, then used the video as evidence when the hooker and her boyfriend robbed him.

Turns out, those weren't nude photos of Australian right-wing kook Pauline Hanson after all. Oh well, whatever helped her lose the election is fine with us.

Wacko Right-Wing Politician Hit With Nude Photo Scandal

World Naked Bike Ride Takes Over the Southern Hemisphere

PETA Has Really Gone and Done it Now

13-Year-Old Boy Watched That Paris Hilton Video Too Many Times

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:51:00 GMT

These kids today... first, they stage circle-jerk sessions and give out hand jobs in class. Next, at least in Connecticut, they give blow jobs in class.

But one Cincinnati, Ohio teenager decided that these were not enough to satisfy his adolescent cravings. Now, he's made national news for "pandering obscenity," a ridiculous and unconstitutional law that another Ohio resident, one Larry Flynt, has been messing with for decades...

Here's the full news report (no other information is known as of this writing):

A 13-year-old boy is charged today after police say he made a sex tape and showed it off at school.

Middletown police say the boy videotaped himself with another middle school girl. The tape was apparently made at the girl's house. The boy showed the video to his classmates at Vail Middle School.

The seventh grader is charged with pandering obscenity.

Dude is in seventh grade, Ohio, cut him some slack! And, as usual, there's no mention of the girl in the case-- did she wish to have herself filmed? Did she encourage or even promote the distribution of said sex tape? Or is she a victim of hidden camera work? (Obviously, he's at least a dumbass for showing it to his friends-- especially at Middle School, during class, knowing full well by the age of thirteen that the rumor mill is a vicious beast with no secrets.)

We'll have more on this if we ever hear about it again. Chances are, we won't.

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

New Miley Cyrus Photo Scandal Already Exaggerated...

Sacha Baron Cohen Tries to Seduce Ron Paul, Hilarity Ensues

50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

While You Were Sleeping: Laura Croft To Get Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

How is that we haven't found a reason to share this clip of Ryan Seacrest trying to high-five a blind American Idol contestant?

The former director of faith-based initiatives for the state of Ohio was busted for operating an online prostitution ring.

If you're a high school sports coach and you're going to text an underage girl, try not to do it while you're in the same room as your wife, who is hanging out with one of her parents. Okay?

The guy who killed Oscar Grant pled... not guilty.

Hey, Rhode Island: did you know prostitution is legal indoors in your state?

What do you do if your video game isn't hot anymore? Have your main character walk around naked, which is apparently the plan for the next edition of Tomb Raider.

And 90210's latest attempt to boost its ratings is a guest appearance by Diablo Cody, pictured above.

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:17:00 GMT

We're really sick of Tim Kaine. First, he botches the Democratic response to the State of the Union in a year when he could have turned the tide away from that dreadful President of ours; then, he decides he wants to be the next DNC chair. Now, this ass-backwards dweeb is going to help lead the party away from progressive values like, for example, marriage equality. Kaine, according to Queers United, "has endorsed an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Click here to ask why LGBT democrats should support a party whose chair is anti civil unions and more anti-gay than John McCain."

The guy who stole the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio thinks being gay is a choice. We don't even know where to start with his fucking scoundrel.

Speaking of elections, a gay bishop is to open Obama's inaugural weekend festivities.

Two hotel staffers in Tennessee were fired shortly after a former employee informed the boss of their homosexuality.

Don't miss the National Lesbian Health Summit in March.

Not satisfied with a statewide ban on same-sex marriage, one assmunch is attempting to outlaw domestic partnership benefits for gays in Tampa, Florida.

Brad Pitt reiterated his support for gay marriage and reminded us he and Angelina won't get married until everyone can.

And Proposition 8 supporters are freaked out about boycotts-- they're suing to try to keep the donation info private. In fact, we wish we could publish a complete list here of all the people who donated-- it's freedom of information, they shouldn't be ashamed...

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In Photo War, Patriots Cheerleaders Outdo Cleveland Cavs Cheerleaders

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:12:00 GMT

The Cleveland Cavaliers cheerleaders had a photo scandal earlier this month that resulted in many self-righteous commentators spewing nonsense about how disgraceful their innocent, playful, and totally raunchy pics were. (Bill O'Reilly, as usual, had to outdo everyone by giving the girls a public spanking: "[T]his isn't ... the inner city; you would think that these kids would have some kind of a values system.")

In the ensuing chaos, everyone forgot about another cheerleader scandal-- that one in football, courtesy of the New England Patriots. (Still with us?) Next, the other Patriots cheerleaders, we're guessing wildly here, got jealous of all their rivals' media attention and FHM offers and decided to leak sexy photos from the past...

Here are the best, courtesy of some guy named Don Chavez. We're guessing he makes tequila or something.

Oh. How risque... they possess lingerie and footwear. Whoopee.

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Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

While You Were Sleeping: The Liposuction Car

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A rogue church threatened to publicly broadcast the details of a married woman's sex life after she refused to break up with her secret lover. (They sent her a letter announcing their intentions, even though she'd quit attending services there.)

A former member of the White House's inner circle, who was all set to testify in court against Karl Rove and his rigging of the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio, died in a plane crash over the weekend. We were waiting for the mainstream media to pick up on this story and at least dismiss it-- of course, they've so far chosen to ignore even a cursory mention, even though it's several days old.

Sam Mendes spoke out about watching the sex scene between his wife and Leo...

Sam Mendes says directing wife Kate Winslet as she grappled with Leonardo DiCaprio in the steamier scenes in "Revolutionary Road" was "a profoundly weird experience" - so weird that he couldn't watch it. Instead, he monitored the action on a video... [PageSix]

Prosecutors don't seem to care about our rights. They don't care what the jury decides, either.

A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon fled the country when it was discovered he was powering his SUV with what he'd gleaned off his liposuction patients.

Possibly under the assumption they would lose, the Screen Actors Guild delayed a vote on whether or not to strike.

According to one paper, the economy is not stopping women from spending ridiculous amounts of money on makeup. The "lipstick effect" is in play, just as it was during the Great Depression.

A man tried to get his murder case retried, claiming two jurors had sex with one another and the guards overseeing them were inspired for some of the same. Thanks, M.

And breaking up with Hugh Hefner somehow landed Holly Madison the cover of Playboy.

Sloppy Seconds: Is The Pill Making the World Unhappy?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:52:00 GMT

As if we need to remind you to switch to Firefox, a new report says Internet Explorer has another major security flaw.

Anthony Keidis came close to having kidney failure.

Did you know this weekend's box office included the biggest bomb in the history of movies? It turns out Delgo, which has a "D" average on Yahoo!, made just a half a million dollars back on its $40 million budget. Delgo is actually an independent film produced by an Atlanta entrepreneur and would've been a great slap-in-the-face to the Hollywood studios if it had been a success. We wanted it to be a great film, but more importantly, we wanted it to succeed outside the system. Such a shame...

The Cleveland Clinic has completed the first face transplant in the U.S.

Phish will headline Bonnaroo.

How did one North Carolina high school decide to honor their spelling bee champ? Guess.

A man is wanted by the courts for paying his $56 traffic fine. Paying his fine-- he paid his fine. Of course, he paid it with 112 rolls of pennies, which may have something to do with the problem...

Thank God: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber named their kid... Samuel. Phew.

A four-year-old boy snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, crossed a seven-lane-highway, and broke into a dollar store to play with toys. Kid, piece of advice... if you're going to commit a toy burglarly, Toys 'R Us might be more bang for your (literal) buck.

A man is in custody today for plotting to (literally) cut off his former son-in-law's balls.

The Pill is going on sale over the counter pretty soon in the UK. But is it... making us all unhappy sex fiends?

And Carmen Electra (see above photo) can't get enough of Playboy.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

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"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

This eighteen-year-old girl made the mistake we've all had nightmares about: IMing"Dad" when we meant to tell "Darcy..."

Elisabeth Frisinger was on a class trip with all her high school chums from Cleveland, Ohio when she decided to jump on IM.

Lizzy: "OMG! Just had 1st time on beach! Gr8! Wish u were here!"

Jesus Christ, woman, you write texts worse than I IM and you're old enough to lose your virginity? No wonder Dad, whom you accidentally messaged instead of your friend Darcy, is pissed:

We would be convinced of this item's fakery if it weren't for the fact that her classmates took pictures of her misery (which we won't subject you to) and leaked the story in the first place, which Frisinger has yet to deny. And all she had to do was say, "Dad, I meant-- it was my first time checking out the beach on this trip." In this instance, her braindead use of English would've helped her.

Poor thing-- guess this is why you don't add your fuckin' parents to you buddy list-- use the telephone, that way you don't make mistakes like these! Duh.

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While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

Can't afford to go to Bonnaroo because of the economic crisis? Music festivals have implemented payment plans for hipsters... and other citizens with good taste.

John McCain is scheduled to stand David Letterman up again this Thursday.

The Governor of Illinois has no plans to resign, called Obama a "motherfucker." Class act.

A Cleveland City Councilman gambled a long political career and up to 20 years in prison for a measly $500 bribe... and lost.

Tyler Perry beat back a frivolous lawsuit.

Tracy Morgan thinks Obama should be more like Jesse Jackson. Or at least a guy who cares more about black people, apparently.

And Kate Winslet had an affair with a man thirteen years her senior... when she was only fifteen.

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Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

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Man Shoots Wife During Sex (with a Gun)

Scanner Matt — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

This is disgusting, but we can't say we all haven't been there before. You're making love to your partner and reach over to get something from the nightstand, then accidentally pull the trigger on the .38 caliber pistol you happen to have on your nightstand, which happens to wound your partner in the chest.

WDTN of Ohio reports complete asshole Timothy Havens claims he accidentally shot his wife, Carolyn Havens (currently in critical condition), while they were doing it.

Well, the incident is obviously under investigation as Mr. Havens has a record, which includes assaulting his wife, 60 days in jail and even some anger management counseling.

A Few Things (besides this guy being an absolute psycho):

What was this guy reaching for during sex? And how did he mistake the trigger of a gun for what he was reaching for? Unless he and his wife were acting out the Lorraine Bracco/Ray Liotta scene from "Goodfellas" and didn't know the gun was loaded. Also, who does he think will actually believe his story?

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Accused Killer's Crazy Google Searches All The Evidence We Need

Photo/WDTN2

"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:44:00 GMT

An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute.

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

Christopher Johnson, who works as an adviser at OSU's nursing school, was busted for promoting prostitution after launching the raffle through a Craigslist posting, then throwing a party for ticketholders at his friend Rusty Blades' house. Unfortunately, "Rusty Blades" is a real estate agent and not a porn star, although we're totally reserving the right to use the name in perpetuity.

Here's the kicker: the alleged prostitute is 31-year-old Vanise Dunn, who is child sex-abuse worker at the local Childrens Services center. Hot damn!

Photo of OSU coeds for illustrative purposes only.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

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Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

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Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:13:00 GMT

1. Mormons
2. Abstinence
3. There’s a better vampire movie you should be watching

Reason #1: Never let devout religious people teach or describe sex to you. It’s like having George Bush explain his foreign policy (a bunch of cautionary bullshit and no results). Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Yes, those guys who helped spearhead the anti-gay “Yes on Prop 8” campaign… and by the way, who the hell are they to talk about marriage?

How Mormon is she?

Well, she did get her writing degree at Brigham Young University.

Reason #2: Abstinence is not the answer. Just ask Sarah Palin how well it works. And furthermore does it ever make for good entertainment? Meyer substitutes a teenage vampire boy’s horny desires for his thirst for blood in a thinly veiled metaphor that’s supposed to teach “us” (parents and their confused teens, of which we are neither, admittedly) about “our” carnal urges.

Reason #3: Nine times out of ten there’s always a better movie out there than the one you’re watching. Not that our readers are knocking down theater doors to get to this holiday blockbuster (which they keep urging us to refer to as “the next Harry Potter”), but if you are in the mood for an entertaining vampire movie try Let The Right One In, still in theaters. A super hip and smart Swedish film (also based on a novel, not written by a Mormon) that tells the dark and soulful story of a little kid vampire. And it’s rated R the way all vampire movies should be.

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

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Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

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Photo: NYT

Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:29:00 GMT

On November 3, 2004, we were driving a van full of volunteers back from Ohio and we stopped at a gas station in West Virginia to listen to John Kerry cede the election to George W. Bush. It was a sorry sight, a bunch of 20-somethings bawling our eyes out in a 15-passenger van at a gas pump in Appalachia. But we can imagine that was nothing compared to what might be on November 5, 2008 if that one thing that we don't even want to think about happening actually happens... Some filmmakers in Pittsburgh think so, too.

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If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

...you won't want to watch this... or read this horror story from West Virginia (who would've thought, just six months ago, West Virginia would be this fierce?)

1) The horror show... this is former NRCC head Tom Davis at the National Press Club, answering a question from the audience about whether the GOP is going to be up to their usual tricks this time around. Remember: this is a GOP-friendly reporter asking a fellow GOPer if the GOP is going to put the band back together, as it were. The response is the most frightening political thing we've seen since Wally O'Dell, the guy in charge of many of Ohio's voting machines in 2004, said he was "committed to delivering [the state's] electoral votes to George Bush."

Note that it isn't so much what he says but how he says it... and the almost sinister laugh from the room. It's the closest thing we've ever seen to the media admitting the GOP is disgracefully and possibly illegally purging voters.

2) In case you think we're exaggerating or even, somehow, imagining that this hasn't been going on for years, here's another classic example:

Virginia Matheney and Calvin Thomas said touch-screen machines in the county clerk's office in Ripley kept switching their votes from Democratic to Republican candidates.

"When I touched the screen for Barack Obama, the check mark moved from his box to the box indicating a vote for John McCain," said Matheney...

When she reported the problem, she said, the poll worker in charge "responded that everything was all right. It was just that the screen was sensitive and I was touching the screen too hard. She instructed me to use only my fingernail."

Even after she began using her fingernail, Matheney said, the problem persisted.

She isn't the only one. The Charleston Gazette has reported that West Virginia is experiencing these problems all over, with election officials attributing the malfunction to "shifting" that occasionally occurs in transporting the machines to the polling sites. No one, of course, had an explanation for why there were all changing only Democratic votes.

More here. Image via Mother Jones.

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Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:49:00 GMT

Boy, this John McCain guy is pretty repetitive, huh? If McCain's not saying "my friends" every other sentence, now he's referencing a guy named "Joe the Plumber" so many times that everyone ends up just laughing over the rest of his answers.

Meanwhile, thank God Bob Schieffer at least had some decent questions (bringing up Roe v. Wade and thankfully not just asking the candidates to state their opinions about the decision.) All that matters is what the public thought-- and they thought Obama won by another 20+-point margin. Bye bye, Johnny, bye bye...

1) Here's the Joe the Plumber video you've been dying to see. This is the actual guy, who by now has gotten two hundred million phone calls thanks to all the publicity and probably wouldn't vote for McCain in 10,000 years (whether we're still in Iraq then or not.)

2) This was sent by a friend-- Secret Service much?

We don't really have much more to say about this debate. At this point, nothing really matters except this: are the Republican attempts to disenfranchise as many newly registered voters as possible going to offset Obama's lead in the polls. Vote switching and the lack of voting machines in Democratic districts worked in 2004 Ohio, but will it work in 2008 Virgina, with Obama pulling ahead? It's looking very, very bad for John McCain...

We'll leave you with this, from Overheard in New York:

He Refers to Sarah Palin As "Mama Mia" in Private Moments

Little boy: Mommy, John McCain likes Abba.
Mom: Does he really now? Then you two have something in common.
Little boy: Noooooo!

--College Walk, Columbia University

So How's Your Family? And When'd You Get the Dick?

Man: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Woman: I'm sorry, I just had to pee.
Man: Holy shit! I can't fucking believe it. The first time I see my ex-wife in forty years is in a men's bathroom.

--Picnic House Men's Room, Prospect Park

The second one has nothing to do with this post, but we couldn't resist including it because it's absolutely brilliant. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:08:00 GMT

It seems that Republicans are so desperate to win they'll cheat and Democrats are so scared of any potential cheating that they will try to head off a "stolen" election with a few semi-legal or even illegal tactics of their own...

Here's today's insane roundup... scary, scary stuff... it's enough to make you think Bob Barr might pull it off after all...

1) Absentee voters in upstate New York were mailed ballots listing Barack's last name as "Osama".

The Democratic commissioner apologized profusely, stating that it was merely a typo and that three proofreaders somehow missed it! What other words did they have to check? "Vote" and "fill in one of these bubbles, morons?" Come on, this is just rigoddamneddiculous.

2) FoxNews thinks it has uncovered a case of voter fraud in Ohio. A pair of newlywed Obama supporters have been picking homeless people up and shuttling them to the early-voting polls, where they are allowed to register and vote on the spot, even without proof of residence. Power to the homeless, we say, but Fox disagrees:

Volunteers supporting Barack Obama picked up hundreds of people at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and drug-rehab centers and drove them to a polling place yesterday on the last day that Ohioans could register and vote on the same day, almost no questions asked. [Gasp! You mean they didn't ask them anything beyond "are you registered to vote?" and "okay, can you fill this out?" Oh my God! This may be totally illegal-- letting residents of a state who have lost their homes cast ballots anyway!]

Republicans have argued that the window could lead to widespread voter fraud because officials wouldn't have an opportunity to verify registration information before ballots were cast. [Fox]

3) A man was shot in the face, ostensibly for wearing a racially-charged t-shirt. The shirt? Pro-Obama. The shooter? Reportedly made racist comments at the scene of the shooting. The story here? The shooting was in South London.

If you hear any more evidence of voter fraud (besides the usual federal-law-violating voter purges within 90 days of an election, which is going on as we speak), let us know in the comments section.

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While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

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Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

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Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

[Image]

Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:21:00 GMT

A woman in Ohio has been sentenced to five years in jail for having oral sex with her daughter's underage female friend.

Oh, but it gets so, so much better...

Becky Jo Tatum, 42, was arrested recently for going down on the girl at a wild, drug-fueled party for her teenage daughter at their home in Bexley. When police raided the party, they found a shotgun, cocaine, and an underage female who had been Tatum's sex partner. (The age of consent in Ohio, by the way, is 16.)

Tatum was booked for posession of cocaine, sex with a minor, and on weapons charges. Tatum is not allowed to own or carry guns because she had prior drug and prostitution convictions on her record. Wow. These must've been some parties...

So, we're guessing, that might be why she ends up with a whopping five years behind bars-- it ain't just the oral sex that brought down her empire...

Via WTVN.

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Pervy Ex-Teacher In Ohio Gets Off... With Probation

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:46:00 GMT

Not her real photo.

An Ohio teacher was hot for student, sending him topless photos and hounding him via MySpace until his friends spoiled the fantasy...

On Monday, former middle school teacher Lisa Temsey was sentenced to five years' probation and is banned from working among children. If she violates that probation, her judge warned, Temsey would face 11 months away from even the sight of teenage boys.

Here's what Temsey did to deserve such treatment:

Temsey was teaching gifted students at East Canton Middle School last May when she was corresponding with a student via her MySpace page, said Katie Chawla, assistant Stark County prosecutor.

The boy, 14, was a former student who had moved out of state.

The discussion "changed from professional to a personal one, and she sent him a naked picture of her breasts," Chawla said.

The exchange came to light when she started talking to two of the boy's friends, Chawla said.

She probably annoyed the shit out of them, too, and was subsequently reported just so she could be gotten rid of. Maybe. Or maybe they just thought she wasn't that hittable*. (Seriously-- you're a fourteen-year-old boy: if a hot teacher hits on you, you try and keep it quiet, maybe; if a teacher you don't like or is not attractive hits on you, well. Let's just say that we've been in a somewhat similar situation at relatively the same age as the male victim here and the same thought went through our heads: "Well, if she was hot, we wouldn't mind. As is, I think I'm just going to block her IMs.")

As far as we can tell, this is a real photo of her, via her now-closed Facebook page:

Of course, it might be some other Lisa Temsey...

Via Canton Rep.

*Disclaimer: We're kidding. Sexual harassment is wrong. Unless you're James Franco or Kerry Washington.

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This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 14:20:00 GMT

A Maryland appeals court overturned a law that would've hurt protections put in place to help transgender people.

Billie Jean King does not support Sarah Palin, whom she calls "honest" and "real," and continues to lend her name to the Obama campaign.

An Ohio Church trashed Katy Perry for her UK #1 single by saying on a billboard: "I kissed a girl and I liked it... Then I went to hell." Perez Hilton posted a photo of that homophobic church's sign defaced: "God Adores You." Think about it: G A Y.

Those heathens: didn't they know about Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Two male Saxon warriors from around 466 to 1066 AD were found arm-in-arm in their grave. (Well, they couldn't just fall down dead that way in battle...)

A lot of people thought this was a joke, but it doesn't surprise us at all: there's a website called Gay Chubby Dating. And yes, it's a service.

While the rest of the country is starting to head toward the side that's winning, Florida meanwhile supports a ban on gay marriage, 55-45. (Or, if there's a vote on it, by 7 votes.)

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Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Ashley Herzog is a college student at Ohio University and a blogger for Town Hall, one of the last bastions of conservatism in a medium overrun by liberal outlets like the New York Post, the Washington Times, the Utah Herald Journal, and, of course, those Commie pinko queers at Fox News.

Herzog is atypical of college students-- and we mean besides the fact that she doesn't support lowering the drinking age to 18 (or 12, as we've always favored.) Here's part of her recent post about Back To School stuff:

When school starts in the fall, many college students will be paying exorbitant tuition to universities that offer a silver platter of worthless courses: classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music. While some of these classes are easy to spot as non-educational, others masquerade under legitimate-sounding names in mainstream academic departments.
As an Ohio University senior who has sat through plenty of college junk courses—many of which were required for graduation—I’ve compiled a list classes for incoming freshmen to avoid.

Well, we're pretty sure classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music were not required, you nitwit. And we're pretty sure even a liberal warhorse like, um, Ohio University has one or two classes up your conservative alley.

So, what are those classes we thinking people should avoid, Ash?

Don’t register for English classes that revolve around the writings of some allegedly oppressed group, such as “Gay and Lesbian Literature” or “Women and Writing.” These classes typically have nothing to do with great, or even good, literature.
Avoid classes that teach American history not as it actually happened, but as the professor thinks it should have happened. Check out the required texts before registering. If the professor uses books like Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States (which claims that American leaders orchestrated the Civil War to halt the impending socialist revolution), don’t waste your money

Well, having read that book we can say the reason you're upset with it is because it doesn't present the world the way the conservative movement would like to see it. And sorry, Ashley, but sometimes that's the way things go...

Read the rest of her Drudge Report audition here. PS: The "Ow, My Eyes" thing refers to not her looks but her words.

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Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Would you guzzle five kilos of chili-spaghetti for fame and glory? In Ohio?

It's like the 21st century version of that football quiz scene from Diner: the videogamer who programmed his girlfriend's game to propose to her for him when she reached a high score has gotten married.

John Mayer is wisely avoiding dating celebrities, at least for now.

How do you end a two-month world tour in West Palm Beach? If you’re John Mayer, with a beautiful blonde cocktail waitress waiting in the wings. While stealing glances backstage at the striking blonde during his mic breaks, Mayer was definitely in party mode at the packed final show of the tour at the Cruzan Amphitheater...

James Gandolfini got married over the weekend in Hawaii. Strangely, we didn't hear any Fox News anchors attacking him for vacationing in this time of great crisis.

Why didn't McCain pick this woman, who delivered her own baby in her car, for VP?

Smokey and The Bandit star and singer Jerry Reed has died.

Kids in Chicago skipped school... to protest school funding.

Anything Gisele Bundchen does in a magazine is apparently news.

Anything Britney Spears doesn't do in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas.

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Sloppy Seconds: What Happened To Harvey Dent?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:18:00 GMT

No wonder it was so easy to change votes: we had no idea Ohio allowed random people to babysit voting machines at their own homes prior to the election. Anyone who thinks Ohio voted fair and square can at least admit that was a pretty stupid idea, right?

Speaking of Ohio and politics, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones was pronounced dead, then that was retracted, following a brain aneurysm. Tubbs-Jones, a black Congresswoman and hardcore Hillary supporter, is currently in critical condition.

Britney's condition has improved, so much so that people actually want to read about her latest diet...

"I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch.

"I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.'"

The famous two-headed turtle was turtle-napped last night. How much ya wanna bet it won't be two days before the idiot who stole it will brag to one too many of his friends...

Another bet: How long before they make a movie of the woman who spent her 37th birthday robbing gas stations with her teenage son?

Maybe she spanked her kid too much or something. After all, according to Strollerderby, spanking is just a gateway drug to hardcore beat-downs.

Meanwhile, Paul McCartney denies he has plans to marry a virtually unknown "American socialite."

And finally: Moviegoers have been arguing for weeks about the open-ended climax to the Dark Knight-- spoiler alert! Haven't seen The Dark Knight? Then skip the next paragraph and go straight to the Related section, please...

The script for the blockbuster sequel was made available for purchase on Tuesday and soon after found its way online. It's a long read at 167 pages, but fans looking for confirmation on the fate of Dent need only look at page 163.
"Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken," the stage direction, written by brothers Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, reads. "DEAD." (Capital letters their emphasis, not ours.)

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While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

Last night, Colin Powell denied he will endorse Barack Obama and speak at the Democratic National Convention.

Assuming he's not just stalling so an official announcement is given at a more effective time, one has to wonder what Fox News, which broke the "story," had intended. Are they trying to hurt Obama by bringing him up just to put him down? Is Powell really going to endorse McCain and, therefore, pulling the rug out from Obama will make Colin's vote more devastating?

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol told FOX News exclusively on Wednesday: “He may well give a speech at the Democratic convention explaining his endorsement of Obama.” Kristol, a FOX News contributor [cited] inside sources.

“This is not an absolute done deal, but these people are very confident that Powell will endorse Obama,” Kristol said, adding that he thinks Powell, a Republican, still has “a high respect” for John McCain, Obama’s Republican rival.
“I do not have time to waste on Bill Kristol’s musings,” Powell told ABC News. “I am not going to the convention. I have made this clear.” An endorsement by Powell could go a long way to attracting moderates and wayward Republicans to the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate. [Especially "terrorism and security voters. - Ed.]

How times have changed-- in Ohio in 2004, Democratic districts saw 10-hour long lines while Republicans waited an average of only a few minutes to vote; now, with Democrats controlling much of the government again:

Ohio has created a window in the election calendar that would allow residents instant gratification — register one minute, vote the next. It's also given the campaigns of Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain a chance to bank thousands of first-time voters during that Sept. 30 to Oct. 6 window.

The move will benefit Obama, who enjoys a 2-to-1 lead over McCain among 18- to 34-year-olds, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll released last month. If Obama's campaign were able to tap into college campuses with one-stop voting, it would add thousands of votes to his tally...

Can this "glitch" and a Powell endorsement help put Obama over the top? Perhaps not, but McCain can't be happy with either...

Via FoxNews and Yahoo!

While You Were Sleeping: We'll Score Or Go Topless For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:48:00 GMT

Don't you wish America's Next Top Models were making sex tapes, too?

Isn't this entrapment? An Ohio man came upon a topless woman in a park. The woman, noting that the park was empty, asked him to take out his dick. He obliged and was promptly arrested as part of a sting operation.

Did you hear about the naked airplane passenger?

An American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Oklahoma City on Friday after a passenger stripped nude and later tried to open an emergency exit door before being subdued by members of a professional soccer team and others, the FBI said.

If you're going to kill yourself by jumping in front of a train, the least you could do is not traumatize the driver for life by staring into his eyes.

Neil Young talked about living with war (both the album and the state of being) on Charlie Rose. Not news, but you should check it out anyway.

More than 5,000 people donated to a guy running for office in nowhere Kansas after a cartoon about his candidacy took off on the internet. (To put things in perspective: he shattered previous records of only a few hundred people ever donating in such a race.)

An English footballer, scoreless since 2006, has vowed to score

five goals in this season’s push for promotion. If he is not successful then he and the rest of the United first team will get their kit off and pose for a topless calendar with the proceeds going to charity.

Topless soccer players? Come on, dudes... if you were serious, it would be a calendar with the full monty.

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Creationist Teacher Burns Cross In Students' Arms

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:10:00 GMT

An Ohio teacher burnt a cross on at least one student's arm, which stay imprinted on the kid's skin for almost a month, and somehow managed to escape arrest in this, the 21st century.

Question: if a burn lasts three to four weeks... why was the teacher who caused the injury not fired for it by the time this story leaked?

A public school teacher preached his Christian beliefs despite complaints by other teachers and administrators and used a device to burn the image of a cross on students' arms, according to a report by independent investigators.
Mount Vernon Middle School teacher John Freshwater also taught creationism in his science class and was insubordinate in failing to remove a Bible and other religious materials from his classroom, the report said.
Lynda Weston, the district's director of teaching and learning, told investigators that she has dealt with complaints about Freshwater for much of her 11-year term at the district, the report said.

What does a guy gotta do to get fired in an Ohio school district? Don't tell Mary Kay Letourneau about this story...

A former superintendent, Jeff Maley, said he tried to find another position for Freshwater but couldn't because Freshwater was certified only in science, the report said.

Whoever certified this certifiable nut in "science" oughta get slapped with an endangering the welfare of a child charge.

Meanwhile, it took a week after a federal lawsuit was filed by one family for the story to get picked up in the media. Check out this class response to the suit by a friend of Freshwater's:

"With the exception of the cross-burning episode ... I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district..."

Not anymore he isn't, thank God. We hear the results of a staff meeting on Friday determined, after a long, long saga (during which Freshwater was apparently allowed to continue teaching), that the science teacher was a goner.

More dark comedy via the AP.

McCain Talks Of His Imaginary Friend Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:30:00 GMT

John McCain, who is running for President against himself and all he stands for, held a Town Hall meeting on ultra-liberal media outlet Fox News yesterday and challenged imaginary friend Barack Obama to a duel:

“I think this town hall meeting would have been a little more interesting if Senator Obama had accepted my request,” McCain said to applause.

To confused applause, that is, as most of the audience, if they are supporting someone as crazy as John McCain, probably have never heard of a man named Senator Obama...

Meanwhile, the mysterious and publicity-shy Barack Obama has taken up a nefarious habit, one which will down him in anti-tobacco strongholds like New York and California, where John McCain will now surely win.

Another setback came in the form of Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, who will refuse a VP slot, even if it's forced upon him. Can McCain win Ohio now, too? Damn, this could be a landslide....

Ohio Democrat Flashes Topless Photos During High School Class

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:32:00 GMT

Ohio State Rep. Matthew Barrett resigned his office yesterday after flashing topless photos of two unidentified women from his district to the high school seniors he was lecturing. Dude, if you're gonna cheat on your wife, don't keep nudie pics of your girlfriend(s) on the same flash drive as your slideshow presentation, because then we'll have to fly up to Ohio and beat you with a mallet for disgracing the Party.

Barrett, who was running for reelection, left Democrats holding the bag in ways than one. Originally, they had rallied behind him when the allegations first came to light, since the Rep. insisted they were photos his thirteen-year-old son had placed on the flash drive. Seems like the teen did not particularly feel like taking the fall for his old man...

Norwalk police investigated the incident, in which the image briefly appeared before a group of seniors as Barrett gave a PowerPoint presentation on how a bill becomes a law. [via Cleveland.com]

Seems like Barrett will gain more knowledge of the ins and outs of the legal system than he ever hoped to achieve, now courtesy of the Columbus prosecutor's office...