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Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

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Meanwhile, Back at the Nude Dude Ranch...

Colleen Kane — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Tim Clement is a 50-year-old lottery winner with a dream. He just wants to run a nude dude ranch on his secluded property. Is that so wrong? Yes, according to local policy in Brooksville, Florida.

After winning $3.3 million in the lottery in 2004, Clement was frequently hit up for money, even by people he didn't know. He closed down the day spa where he was a hairdresser and bought the 10-acre property in the woods.

Soon friends were asking when they could visit, and the onetime farm boy cooked up the dude ranch idea.

But he didn't get the right permits. Among other, more minor considerations affecting the operation of the ranch, the county forbids public nudity, even though neighboring Pasco county has several nudist properties.

"God blessed me with a gift,'' Clements said. "I just thought that all I wanted to do was have a place to play and I was so far hidden, I didn't even think about it.

"I just thought I was creating a cute little 10-acre dude ranch.''

If the proper paperwork doesn't come through, he might just close the b&b and go back to entertaining personal friends on the property.

However, as the CJ Dude Ranch website cautions, "Everyone must wear pants and boots to ride the horses." Do chaps count as pants?

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Nude Sunbathing Under Attack Worldwide

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:49:00 GMT

You would think that, given the state of the world economy, people would become more willing to relax their stubborn attitudes on issues more likely to stimulate the economy, from marijuana to gay marriage to nude sunbathing.

But not in this case. From North Carolina in the United States to Perth in Australia, nudity is under attack by male Puritans-- and yes, they are almost always males...

First, in Bird Island, North Carolina, a man with a wife and children complained to authorities about having had to "endure" topless sunbathers. Those authorities responded immediately and issued a press release reminding everyone that they can't let their wangs flap in the breeze... or something.

Brunswick County officials say they will come up with a sign banning nudity on the beach. County commissioners say Bird Island is not a registered nude beach and that full exposure is against state law. [News 14]

Ah. Notice they said "full exposure is against state law"-- is North Carolina one of those crazy left-wing states that supports the right of women to show their nipples? Try it some time, dear readers, and let us know how that goes.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a recent survey found that 33% of the country is against topless sunbathing. And here we thought Australia was more open minded. Even those who thought they should be "tolerated" were kind of whiny about it:

...anti-nudists [said] they "didn’t want to see it all hang out". totaltravel.com global marketing manager Paul Fisher said the survey showed that Australians are tolerant of nudity.

However, he said a number of respondents who agreed to have more nudist beaches in Australia called for appropriate signage.

“While a leading proportion of voters agreed that a little bit of flesh never hurt anyone, a few did comment that if more nude beaches were introduced there would have to be appropriate signage to alert families or children to what kind of beach it was,” Mr Fisher said.
“Some also called for nude beaches to be secluded and away from beaches where families congregated." [News.com.au]

C'mon, people, we can do better than that...

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Dr. Prissy's Terror on Bird Island

Colleen Kane — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:02:00 GMT

A physician and his family were shocked by what they witnessed on a recent visit to a beach on North Carolina's Bird Island.

The horrific sight that greeted them was...NUDE SUNBATHERS!

Yep, this is one of those "prude gets offended, as prudes are wont to do, and tries to ruin something for everyone else" posts.

But in this case, the offended guy is getting his way.

Technically, public nudity is banned on this island, located close to Sunset Beach, although Bird Island has been known as an unofficial nude beach for some time. After the physician's family got their eyeful, he complained to law enforcement, who said there was nothing they could do. That wasn't good enough, so the doctor then emailed county commissioners, who discovered the beach isn't registered as a nude beach. Now, following a meeting about the matter, a sign will go up forbidding nudity on the beach.

Or, the doctor could have just chosen a different beach. What creeps us out is the fact that the man who complained is a physician. This guy is a doctor and he's that uncomfortable with the naked human form?

We'd like to file a complaint about him.

Australians Fight Back Against Potential Topless Sunbathing Ban

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Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

If you missed them this week in Virginia and North Carolina, don't fret-- we have the lowdown on the Sex Workers' Art Show's Limited 2009 Dirty South Tour...

According to the official website, tour participants included World Famous *BOB* (top) and porn star Lorelei Lee (above.) The tour's focus was on "spoken word, music, drag, burlesque, and multimedia performance art. Intelligent and hot, disturbing and hilarious, the performances offer a wide range of perspectives on sex work, from celebration of prostitutes' rights and sex-positivity to views from the darker sides of the industry."

The promoters wanted "to dispel the myth that they are anything short of artists, innovators, and geniuses!" We don't know about that last part, especially with the exclamation point, but this attitude sure garnered a lot of attention.

In Williamsburg, Virginia, this week, conservative knuckleheads meddled as usual, trying to tell college students what they should and should not see. The only thing these people know about the First Amendment is that it comes before the one with the guns.

Last year, their devotion to this divisive annual event helped get their popular president Gene Nichol ousted by fire-breathing conservatives on the Board of Visitors and the state legislature.

Nichol opposed the show on principle, yet backed his students' decision and refused to ban it from campus.
His successor, W. Taylor Reveley, has done exactly the same, yet remains unsinged.

I'm not saying it's the students' fault Nichol was forced out. The fault lies with the hypocrites who used the sex show as one more briquette to burn him at the stake. [Daily Press]

Great job, right-wingers. You ousted an honest man and had him replaced with... a guy who also slightly disagrees with your Puritanical views. It's too bad there's no such thing as hell, because... well, maybe we're getting carried away. The show seems to have been a success in spite of all this political nonsense, and we look forward to seeing it further up the east coast...

Via the Sex Workers' Art Show website.

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This Week in Gayness: The Homecoming Drag Queen

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:38:00 GMT

Some gay rights bloggers were concerned about the presence of Jerry Lewis on the Oscar stage.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Tinker v. Des Moines Independent School District Supreme Court decision, which upheld free speech rights for students. The Gay News blog looks at how much has changed since then (spoiler: nothing.)

According to the Guardian, some evangelicals appear to be growing more receptive to the gays and lesbians in their midst.

More on that Focus on the Family vs. Charlotte, North Carolina story we mentioned last week.

The Log Cabin Republicans are going after that slimy new RNC chairman. Here's hoping for a split.

George Mason University senior Ryan Allen was awarded the title of Homecoming Queen at a sold-out basketball game on Saturday, thanks to his 12-inch heels and infamous local drag queen act.

As we mentioned earlier, Sean Penn was named Best Actor and Dustin Lance Black won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for Milk. Both made speeches related to the Prop 8 fight in California. Here's a story about Dustin's speech airing in India, where it may have been censored in a rebroadcast of the ceremony.

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This Week in Gayness: Don't Ask... Just Don't Ask

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Good As You alerted us to Focus on the Family's hilariously awful anti-gay conference in Charlotte. They also put a human face on Jeff Johnston, an "ex-gay" who is obviously not human because it's not possible for anyone to change their sexual orientation.

This guy would be Keith Olbermann's worst person in the world if anyone knew who he was: a gay Minnesota Republican who is against gay rights. Paul Koering will vote against "the Marriage and Family Protection Act, a bill that would make Minnesota's marriage laws gender-neutral, allowing same-sex couples many of the rights currently denied by Minnesota statute."

The roles have been cast and the parents approved of the script. And then a high school principal decided to cancel a student production of Rent due to prostitution and homosexual" content. (There are gay characters, but no prostitution.)

To one Utah Republican, the greatest threat to America is: conspiratorial Chinese economists [no], Osama Bin Laden [no], the gays. 12% of ABC.com readers agree.

A young gay Army vet was killed by another young gay man who appears to have been upset at his own sexuality.

First of all, a guy has to go from being a gay porn star to working at Subway. Worse, he has to endure getting fired from his job at Subway when his previous career choice is discovered. Queers United takes up his case.

While most of the country is still stuck in this ridiculous debate about gay marriage, Massachusetts is trying to implement transgender equality.

And, at last, a straight veteran speaks out in favor of abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and letting gays serve openly.

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My New Favorite Bad Christmas Song: Santa Lost a Ho

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 22:02:00 GMT

I, Scanner Emily, am a fan of the classic Christmas carol. I still get chills every time I sing "O Holy Night" and save for "Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer" am not so into the contemporary comedic Christmastime song; if I have to listen to anything written in the last 100 years, I much prefer something like Christmas in Hollis. So last week when the bass player in my band handed me a CD called "Charlie's Christmas Compilation" I was a little worried. He asked me a few times if I'd listened to it when I hadn't. I felt bad and was curious to hear what was on it, so I broke down and put it on. I heard a few songs I knew including Robert Earl Keen's "Merry Christmas from the Family" (another one I can't help but love because it rings so damn true), and a few I didn't, including what is now my favorite bad contemporary Christmas song, "Santa Lost a Ho" by the Christmas Jug Band.

I apologize that this video with a terribly long intro is the only version I could find to embed. Just don't pay attention to anything before :56. Then enjoy.

(That picture is for you, Brian Fairbanks).

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Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

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Sloppy Seconds: Is The Pill Making the World Unhappy?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:52:00 GMT

As if we need to remind you to switch to Firefox, a new report says Internet Explorer has another major security flaw.

Anthony Keidis came close to having kidney failure.

Did you know this weekend's box office included the biggest bomb in the history of movies? It turns out Delgo, which has a "D" average on Yahoo!, made just a half a million dollars back on its $40 million budget. Delgo is actually an independent film produced by an Atlanta entrepreneur and would've been a great slap-in-the-face to the Hollywood studios if it had been a success. We wanted it to be a great film, but more importantly, we wanted it to succeed outside the system. Such a shame...

The Cleveland Clinic has completed the first face transplant in the U.S.

Phish will headline Bonnaroo.

How did one North Carolina high school decide to honor their spelling bee champ? Guess.

A man is wanted by the courts for paying his $56 traffic fine. Paying his fine-- he paid his fine. Of course, he paid it with 112 rolls of pennies, which may have something to do with the problem...

Thank God: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber named their kid... Samuel. Phew.

A four-year-old boy snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, crossed a seven-lane-highway, and broke into a dollar store to play with toys. Kid, piece of advice... if you're going to commit a toy burglarly, Toys 'R Us might be more bang for your (literal) buck.

A man is in custody today for plotting to (literally) cut off his former son-in-law's balls.

The Pill is going on sale over the counter pretty soon in the UK. But is it... making us all unhappy sex fiends?

And Carmen Electra (see above photo) can't get enough of Playboy.

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This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

An Iowa court has agreed to entertain challenges to the state's discriminatory gay marriage law.

Here's more info on that transgender prostitute who was beaten to death in a Memphis jail.

An 18-year-old who is transitioning from female to male has some devastating words for high schools, their students, and their administrators.

Apparently, Washington State residents are unaware of the separation of church and state-- or the fact that "religion is superstition and myth," as an infamous stolen sign indicated.

Don't forget: a Day Without A Gay is Wednesday. Read more about that here.

An art student at Brigham Young University saw his art project, which featured gay students from the school, censored and possibly even removed.

And some hope for the future:

North Carolina law does prohibit gay marriage here, but GOP attempts to enshrine it in the state constitution have so far failed.

Carrboro has had a long history of being gay-friendly. It was one of the first communities in North Carolina to offer health benefits to the same-sex partners of municipal workers. Openly gay former Mayor Mike Nelson served five terms and is now an Orange County commissioner.

So it did not really surprise many in this state when the other day the Carrboro city council has passed a resolution supporting gay marriage and sent copies of it off to the state and federal government.

Hey, every step in the right direction is deserving of applause...

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Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:09:00 GMT

What did one forty-year-old Dad do to prove his son was innocent of rape?

Why, show a school administrator the kid's sex tape, of course...

Early reports first indicated Cary, North Carolina father Dwayne Anthony Frazier (who is either 41 or 42, depending on which report you believe) brought a sex tape involving a son to a school official (likely the principal) in hopes of clearing the boy of rape allegations. Instead, he's been arrested on charges of second-degree and third-degree sexual exploitation of a minor.

It gets weirder: Frazier's son is only 17, which would make this child pornography. And weirder: the girl is rumored to be only 14-years-old. Whoops.

And now there's a rumor going around that Mr. Frazier himself filmed the supposedly consensual sex.

If Dad is trying to help his son stay out of jail, maybe he should just stop now.

Photo via WRAL.

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Barack Obama is up to 364 electoral votes after winning North Carolina. Meanwhile, Oregon has a new Democratic Senator.

Anti-Prop 8 people rioted in the streets of California, which is today the most bigoted, shameful state in the union. Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump: "It's a real shame people are mixing up their church and state."

Joe Jonas didn't deserve her awesomeness anyway...

Ellen DeGeneres
says on her talk show (airing Nov. 11), “He broke up with you on the phone? That’s not right.”

Taylor responds; “It’s all right - I’m cool. You know what, it’s like, when I find that person that is right for me, he’ll be wonderful When I look at that person, I’m not even going to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 27 seconds when I was 18.”

Ellen was shocked by Taylor’s honesty, saying, “No, you did not. Aw, snap!” [Just Jared]

We can't say we disagree with London's decision to ban smokers from adopting children, although we wish people would spend more time trying to actually get orphans adopted.

We're still trying to figure out why this creep falls so quickly after trying to attack a girl in an elevator, but we're happy watching it over and over again just to see the ass kicking he deservedly receives.

Charlie Sheen denies a report that he was enjoying lapdances recently, perhaps because he has pregnant wife at home.

Evan Rachel Wood finally came to her senses and dumped Marilyn Manson.

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Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

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This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

As we reported earlier, the gay romance on Grey's Anatomy has ended, thanks to a questionable change in the TV show's storyline. Hmmm...

We're still wondering about these gay-baiting robo-calls.

How is this guy still allowed out of the house? Ever? He should do 500 years in prison, at minimum:

A gay disc jockey in Raleigh originally convicted of violating HIV infection regulations in August has been placed on house arrest after admitting he broke probation orders in early October. On Sept. 6, Q-Notes reported that Joshua Waldon Weaver, 23, who works in clubs in Raleigh and Wilmington, pleaded guilty to charges that he failed to disclose his HIV-positive status and engaged in unprotected sex with three people. Weaver was given a suspended jail sentence and placed on probation. The terms of his probation ordered Weaver to use protection when engaging in sexual activity. About two weeks ago Weaver was arrested after Wake County Public Health officials contacted his probation officer with information that he had possibly violated court orders by having sex without a condom. Assistant District attorney Boz Zellinger told The News & Observer that health officials became aware of the DJ's violation after he contracted another sexually transmitted disease that could have been prevented by the use of a condom. Weaver could have faced 40 days in jail for his most recent violation, but District Court Judge Jacqueline Brewer instead sentenced him to six months of electronically-monitored house arrest. He will not be allowed to leave his father's house except for probation-approved employment.

Not that it matters now, but Obama did not support Prop 8. Pro 8, as you may have heard, appears to have passed, thanks to bigoted Mormons and, ironically, the black vote. Meanwhile, Florida and Arizona aren't helping move this country out of the Dark Ages.

And the Simpsons are causing controversy once again, this time with gay groups decrying the latest episode of the hit Fox show. (You can see the clip here, with the offending section at 15:45.)

Bart Simpson's cartoon nemesis is being blasted for his use of the schoolyard taunt "that's so gay" while bullying resident nerd Milhouse Van Houten in The Simpsons' annual Halloween episode airing last Sunday.

But the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network says the remark is nothing to laugh at.

"Many people say gay without even realizing what they're saying is bad,'" GLSEN spokesman Daryl Presgraves tells E! News.

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Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:58:00 GMT

We've always wondered what it must be like to work in a porn or sex toy store. Does it mean you get so desensitized to sex that it doesn't interest you anymore?

We wouldn't blame this gal for going celibate after what she's seen... and, more importantly, been forced to touch...

In a rant and rave on the Raleigh Craig's List message board, an anonymous "Adult Store Clerk" gives her pointers on what not to do when shopping for porn or sex toys. We'll give you the short version:

1. "If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people fucking in them."[Hilariously, the employee goes on to point out if you don't like the pictures on your DVD's box, try a different box!]

2. Don't return movies with... uh... anything extra attached. "I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty-ass son of a bitch."

3. Don't have sex in the dressing rooms.

4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it.

5. "Don't hit on me or any of my coworkers. That is desperate and gross. Also, you're standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me agreeing to go out with you? Nope, didn't think so."

6. "Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate."

7. "If I ask for your ID, don't give me grief. Take it as a compliment..."

8. "And finally, if you are someone who brings your child into the store, you fail at parenting and at life."

The full post is worth checking out, if you have the time...

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Elizabeth Edwards: "I Stayed For The Kids"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 18:39:00 GMT

John Edwards, who is a no-good chauvinist who tried to shrug off (clearly) fathering his girlfriend's child as being okay because he "did not love her," at least told his wife about the affair before the press heard about it and her cancer had returned.

In a detailed story by People:

Elizabeth Edwards was furious and distraught about her husband's betrayal, but she decided to keep her marriage in tact, in large part, because of her terminal cancer and the prospect that her children will one day be motherless, those closest to her said. In 2007, doctors diagnosed Elizabeth with incurable cancer.

A friend of Elizabeth's is quoted as saying that the almost immediate reemergence of Mrs. Edwards's cancer kicked her feelings into high gear, and she was forced to confront her future and make a decision ASAP:

"She couldn't say, 'Well, maybe we'll work through this for years, or maybe we should separate for two years,' " said Hargrave McElroy, Elizabeth's friend. "(The cancer) forced her to choose whether to move forward."
"She was struggling with being out there," McElroy said. "She did strikingly less campaigning than she did" when Edwards was the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee.
"Part of the burden for Elizabeth had been the lie," McElroy said. "She anticipated the great relief the truth brings."
But John Edwards' public confession did not bring the relief that Elizabeth anticipated, the magazine reports.
The confession has been crushing to Elizabeth because of how badly her husband's image has been tarnished.

No wonder Elizabeth privately wanted Edwards to endorse Hillary Clinton: the two are practically on the exact same wavelength about their husbands...

[Via the NY Daily News.]

John Edwards Cops To Sexual Affair, But Says "He Did Not Love Her"

Dick Morris Calls Edwards Supporters Bigots

John Edwards' Love Child: Never Meant to Be

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

John Edwards, two-time Presidential candidate and John Kerry's Vice-Presidential pick in 2004, has been dogging a sex scandal for months, since December 2007, in fact. Now, as polls continue to show the former Senator as the most effective running mate for Obama (in terms of which states he helps pick up), his chances at a second nomination for VP is in serious jeopardy following these latest allegations...

According to the National Enquirer-- wait, stop. This is a serious story, being picked up by mainstream media, that comes from the National Enquirer? Well, it's not exactly trustworthy until you find out they're claiming they did their own reporting on this, following Edwards around and even attempting to corner him in a bathroom for a photo.

A team of ENQUIRER reporters caught the married ex-senator visiting his mistress and secret love child late Monday night at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles hotel.

...Edwards got out of the passenger side, walked around the front of the car and went in a side entrance near the swimming pool. [A friend of both Edwards and his alleged mistress rented two rooms and, the Enquirer claims, stayed in one of the rooms alone so the couple could spend time alone.]
Edwards' advisers are "spitting mad and furious" that his late-night escapades have made international headlines because it could derail his chances of becoming Barack Obama's running mate. Edwards has not explained his whereabouts to any members of other news media outlets who have been trying to follow up on the story.

His mistress, blonde divorcee Rielle, meanwhile... is "in despair" that Edwards might cut off contact with her because their latest rendezvous has been exposed in the media.

You may recall that this story came and went during the run-up to the Iowa caucuses. First, the love child allegations surfaced; soon after, they were "buried" when a close (married) friend of Edwards' came forward to say, "Hey, wait a minute. It was actually me." The story quickly vanished from even the conservative blogosphere, although no one seemed to believe it. We all acted like the detective does when a death row inmate takes a rap for somebody else-- he may have his suspicions but he's happy just to close the case and move on.

Word on the blogs is that, by the time you're reading this, most major media will cover it-- at least with reservations similar to the ones we voiced in the second paragraph of this post. We'll have more later on...

Via the National Enquirer.

Nevada Governor Sex Scandals, Part 226

Obama VP List Down To Top 20

Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now

Obama Turns Hillary Down

Democratic Leaders Accused of Satantic Sex & Kidnapping, Woo Hoo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:06:00 GMT

Our right-wing readers are going to be thrilled with this story, while the rest of us are going to wince with embarrassment... at best...

1) A Durham, NC couple was charged with kidnapping, assault, rape, and other un-PC crimes after shocking revelations began to appear in a local courtroom.

2) According to an anonymous couple that met Joy Johnson and Joseph Craig (via the internet, it seems), the foursome shared an interest in Our Everloving Master, Mr. Satan.

3) The anonymous couple dropped by for tea and were rewarded for their devotion by being

shackled... to beds, kept... in dog cages and starved.... [Craig, the hubby] was charged with beating the man with a cane and a cord and with raping the woman.

4) The assistant DA provides our Understatement of the 21st and 22nd Century, for sure:

"This goes well above what they were interested in doing."

5) According to the local news

Johnson, who was third vice-chair of the Durham County Democratic Party and vice-chair for the Young Democrats, was charged with two counts of aiding and abetting. Prosecutors said she knew her husband planned the crime and watched as they were committed.
She has resigned her positions with the Democratic Party, said state Sen. Floyd McKissick, D-Durham.
"She seemed to be a very open, reasonable, responsible person, but certainly, the allegations that have been made are shocking to everybody who has known her," McKissick said. "We wish her the best going through this difficult and trying time."

I'm sure it was very "trying" for her, poor baby.

6) Our favorite part, which most news sources overlooked, is their website:

Craig and Johnson operate a business called Indigo Dawn Inc. that is described on a Web site as a spiritual growth service offering "past life reconstruction" and "communication with spirit guides." The site talks about Johnson's activism and describes Craig as a reverend and a "devout student of magick."

Can the Lifetime movie be far behind.

Via WRAL.

What Hillary Clinton Will Do Now

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 May 2008 18:26:00 GMT

Following last night's surprise results in the Democratic Primaries in Indiana and North Carolina (Clinton by an inch, Obama by a mile, respectively), the pundits and other dolts are jumping up and down, trying to be the first one to call "BINGO" on the end of this race.

But although she pledged to "support the nominee" (the first time she's made a victory speech that hinted at any sort of chance she might not win), we didn't see any indication last night that Hillary Clinton will give up any time soon...

Here are her options:

1) Drop out after about a week or so, to save face. Very few insiders are predicting this one. Clinton has just loaned herself another $6 million, making it highly unlikely she'll bail now.

2) Drop out following her upcoming "triumphs" in West Virginia and other Clinton strongholds in the next few weeks. This will give her leverage of some kind for a) 2012, which she is clearly gearing up for already, much as she did in 2004 by letting John Kerry run his awful campaign without interference or b) a possible VP nod or c) some other sort of leverage (majority leader, perhaps?) that we have not thought about.

3) Use her continued presence in the race to solidify herself for any of the above-mentioned reasons, taking it all the way to the convention. At that point, she could go for any of the above options or, if nothing else, ask Obama to help retire her campaign debt.

4) Seize on Obama's inability to crush her outright in hotly contested states like Indiana and Ohio and persuade undecided superdelegates that Obama will lose the blue collar vote to McCain in Novemeber. It's highly unlikely this could secure her the nomination-- for the first time, Barack Obama is within sight of winning the nomination outright; with a presumed victory in Oregon and a handful of superdelegates publicly backing him, it's possible Obama could pass the magic 2,025 threshold before the convention. However, if she's able to hammer this talking point home over the next few days, she could steal the spotlight away from those delegates who are rumored to be ready to announce for Obama in droves.

5) ?. That's just it: "?" No one knows what Hillary Clinton could do, really. Tim Russert claimed Clinton canceled all public engagements and television appearances today, although that has been denied by the campaign. Meanwhile, rumor has it she'll be meeting with superdelegates to see what they want her to do: stay in till when? Or drop out and then what? Or demand the VP slot? Or what? They've stuck by her this long, she knows they deserve a say in this major decision.

Meanwhile, continued swell news for the Democrats: GOP leaders warn of election disaster.

This Week in Gayness: Perez Hilton Sues Over Unfilmed Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Is there anything weirder than the US Presidential race, with politicians referring to their wives overly-made-up cunts-- will Bill Clinton never shut up?-- and grown men bowling 37's?

Yes-- the North Carolina Senate Race, which pits the wife of a former President(ial candidate)-- guess the Republicans don't mind a tough-talking female opportunist if she's on their side-- Elizabeth Dole, versus Jim Neal, a gay Democratic businessman. And he might win...

A school superintendent in Massachusetts is being guarded by the police after yet one-man right-wing douche machine suggested people beat his ass, just for fun. The superintendent's crime? Allowing a children's book with a scene about two kings getting married to be read in school. (Remember when we said we support all forms of free speech? We lied.)

We've been crying tears of joy all week over the Fred Phelps church getting shut down. His Crazy Train organization hates homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, and anybody else who doesn't pay their $400 a month church dues. Finally, he pushed the law too far and is facing eviction over a $5 million dollar fine for picketing the funerals of two servicemen killed in Iraq. (The Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church believes all dead Americans in Iraq are God's way of saying "thanks for allowing gays to roam free.") Why can't we do this to every church and organization that offends our sanity?

Perez Hilton had a helluva week. First off, he and John Mayer had a love affair. Then some guy he had IM sex with (honestly-- doesn't anyone have sex in person anymore?!) released the transcripts as revenge for Hilton's failure to follow through on a promise to promote the other dude's blog. We refer you to the great New Yorker cartoon for further comment: "Honey, maybe no one wants to read your blog because it's about you."

'Nuff said. Photo via foolmood.