Scanner : new york post

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:16:00 GMT

I, Scanner Brian, used to live in a room in one of the old Vanderbilt mansions-- and let me just say, it was no help in getting laid. What was once a family gem had turned into a wrecking ball-ready hellhole, with peeling paint, nails sticking out of the walls and staircases, windows that wouldn't open or close, and walls that would shake with every passing subway car-- the subway stop being right under my window. Girlfriends who would stay the night early in the romance managed to evade staying over there for up to two years after, despite our continued relationships.

Apparently, it worked wonders for Gloria Vanderbilt-- then again, she probably never lived in that building-- as her new X-rated novel is full of healthy sexual adventures. Vanderbilt, the mother of CNN's Anderson Cooper, is 85-years-old...

Vanderbilt, whose past sexual conquests were Frank Sinatra, Sidney Lumet, and Wyatt Cooper (Anderson's Dad, of course), is out with a book entitled Obsession: An Erotic Tale. At 143 pages, it is, as the Post's Andrea Peyser has already mentioned, "easily read with one hand."

I will begin, softly at first so that you can sleep a few more minutes, the long, slow, delicious process of licking your ----, and since I must have your honey milk . . . I will struggle to stay quiet . . . Master, I whisper as you surrender to our ecstasy."

Dare I suggest to be placed fully dressed over our favorite ottoman . . . That done, placed over your knees, skirt lifted, begging you not to restrain yourself in giving my flesh the serious whacking I deserve. An ebony, smooth-backed hairbrush -- most appropriate. The Mason-Pearson are considered the finest, and it would be no trouble, while you are in London, to pick one up of a heft that pleases you at Harrods.

Ludicrous or luscious? You tell us.

The 85-year-old socialite mom of Anderson Cooper says her X- rated novel, "Obsession: An Erotic Tale," came straight out of her subconscious as she slept. "It was all surreal, and then I channeled it onto pages," she told The Post's Georgett Roberts at the Na tional Arts Club gala for Joyce Carol Oates. The steamy read, first revealed this week by Andrea Peyser, is about "sex on many levels -- emotion ally, mentally and physical as well," she said. "Yes, it's graphic -- it's an erotic novel!"

When we asked Vanderbilt if she still has sex, she let out a long, loud laugh, then uttered, "No comment." [NY Post]

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Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Ashley Biden, the cute 27-year-old daughter of the Vice President is apparently this year's Kate Moss. Remember how someone secretly filmed the supermodel doing blow at Pete Doherty's recording session? The same thing happened to Ash, only it was at a party, she knew she was being filmed, and now the tape is about to fetch six figures...

If it's true. While we do believe a tape exists, so far no one's been able to prove the cokehead in the video is the First Daughter. Even the New York Post is unsure-- although, of course they milk the story for the little it's worth:

The woman appears to resemble Ashley Biden, 27, a social worker for a Delaware child-welfare agency...

[She] makes repeated references to the drugs, said the lawyers, who said they viewed the tape about 15 times.

"At one point she pretty much complains that the line isn't big enough," said the second lawyer, who declined to identify himself. "And she talks about her dad."

Biden has been an outspoken crusader against drugs, coining the term "drug czar" in 1982 while campaigning for a more forceful "war on drugs." [NY Post]

Whoever she is, she clearly has a drug problem. According to a variety of sources, the young woman on the tape uses a big red straw to snort up a boatload of coke before lashing out at people around her and telling them to "shut the fuck up." (It's also rumored that Biden's longtime boyfriend is pictured in the same frame as her, which would make the tape appear to be genuine.)

The douchebag who filmed all this tried initially to obtain $1.2 for the original, but has scaled back his greed to a mere $400,000. One report says two companies have offered well over six figures for the tape, but not the full 400 g's. Yet...

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Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Seeing The Last Picture Show on VHS at age 12 did three things for our childhood: 1) we finally understood why men salivated over Cybill Shepherd; 2) we became madly obsessed with the honky tonk music of Hank Williams and 3) we developed a crush on an actress we assumed was still a total unknown, an Oscar winner named Cloris Leachman.

In the movie, Leachman seduces (or allows herself to be seduced by) a shy high school boy, who ultimately falls in love with her and loses her in a fit of miscommunication. Leachman, who plays an aging housewife in a heartbreaking marriage, gives one of the best performances in screen history and virtually could have been her own movie.

Last year, when Leachman was on Dancing With the Stars, her career took off again and, to capitalize on it, the sexy senior is dishing dirt on her romances with famous co-stars and other Hollywood dudes, leaving out none of the racy details...

On then box-office sensation Gene Hackman:

"As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together. We didn't finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven't seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was."

On Ed Asner, her co-star on the Mary Tyler Moore Show (yep, that's where you know her from):

"He always told me he loved me, and every once in a while, he'd grab me and whisper, 'You're God's gift to man!'

"One day we made an agreement that I would have sex with him if he lost 32 pounds. He almost did it; he lost 29 pounds. We both got so disoriented at what we were facing that his weight shot back up, and our assignation never happened."

And on singer Andy Williams, a lifelong friend:

"enduring passion" "tryst with caviar and champagne" "a cascade of photographs fell onto the floor and into my lap. All were handsome shots of his wife and his daughter.
"There was not much either of us could say. It was apparent to both of us where Andy's heart lay. . . . [It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss."

In case 82-year-old Leachman is starting to turn you on, there's this news from yesterday:

68 percent of men between 57 and 85 reported having sex last year, as did 42 percent of women... more older women might have wanted to have sex, but there just aren't as many available older men for them to partner with. [HealthDay]

That's where you come in, dear readers...

Excerpts obtained by the NY Post.

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Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:06:00 GMT

That's the cast of the musical "Hair," which was performed free in Central Park last summer and is enjoying a revival right now on Broadway.

While the show is expected to be a success and has been generating decent buzz, the gossip rags have found a way to bash it in their own special way: by mocking the cast for perceived hangups about the show's full-frontal nudity...

The always-professional Post reports:

IT'S the real thing when it comes to the full-frontal nudity in the revival of "Hair." A rumor floating around Broadway was that the actresses playing the unshaven '60s hippies in the rock musical were being fitted with pubic hairpieces so they wouldn't have to give up their Brazilian waxes. But a rep for the show, which opens Tuesday at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre, says all hair will be strictly home grown. "It's all natural. There are no merkins in the show at all," he laughed. [NY Post]

Jezebel mocks Murdoch's goons right back:

So gross: The cast of Hair may not have as much of the titular item as they're supposed to… especially down there. Rumors floating around the revival allude to the fact that many of the women in the cast are going to be wearing merkins (seriously, Google that shit) so they won't have to give up their wax/shave schedule. Broadway is disgusting, y'all. [Jezebel]

We don't care, we'll go see it, merkins or muffins...

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While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

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The Tabloids Have Only Just Realized Jason Segel Is A Sex Symbol

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

I was on a date a few years ago and mentioned that I'd been enjoying the then-recently released DVD of Freaks And Geeks: The Complete Series. My date took me aback by rolling her eyes to the skies and murmuring about her lustful tendencies toward one Jason Segel. My response: "You mean the fat guy who plays the drummer?"

I quickly recovered by saying I was "joking" and that I was just a bit surprised since James Franco is much more attractive and sports a tight leather jacket throughout. (Seth Rogen was on the show, too, but who could have then predicted that he would be the sex symbol of 2009?) My date imparted a piece of knowledge which I have not forgotten: "Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man."

The New York Post and other tabloid rags would have done well to have figured that out before 99% of the culture did, sometime between Freaks and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which featured Segel's famous full-frontal nude scene...

Here's what the Post had to say about the premiere of "I Love You, Man," one of these straight-guy/bromance movies that will hopefully be done away with at Hollywood's earliest convenience:

JASON Segel, sex symbol? The 6-foot-4 comic had a gaggle of female admirers at the Cinema Society screening of "I Love You Man" the other night, including a model who told him she was disappointed the flick didn't feature a full-frontal scene as did his "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Quipped Segel: "I kept whipping it out, but they wouldn't put it in." Also at the Soho Grand after-party thrown by Details were co-stars Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones, plus Edward Norton, Parker Posey, Bee Shaffer and Eric and Kimberly Villency. [NY Post]

Ladies, don't despair about the deleted scenes featuring Segel's schlong-- he was kidding. Of course, he was full frontal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, in photos widely available on the internet. Click here for those links and make sure your safe search is off.

What do our readers think? Jason Segel-- hot or not?

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Does This Supermodel Look Fat To You?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:30:00 GMT

And even if she did, so what? It's one thing if she were morbidly obese, but she's not even close to overweight-- and besides, we thought this country had better things to do than criticize a woman's weight.

Earlier this week, Heidi Klum was attacked by a publicity-starved designer for being "too fat" to walk a runway. This German designer, who is too big of a douche to be named here, lest we further his career, is well deserving of the tremendous backlash that his comments were met with.

"Wolfgang is obviously trying to revive his sagging career and get press for himself by riding Heidi''s coattails," the New York Post quoted spokesperson for Klum as saying. [Tim Gunn added] "I can wrap my hand around her bicep."

It's a shame Wolfgang isn't a female person, because we could offer a stockpile of "sagging" puns that would, unfortunately, only stoop to ~~his~~ her low. Anyway, Ol' Saggy Nuts is probably just jealous that his fellow German is more famous than he is... and that Seal won't lend her out for any of Max Mosley's orgies.

Here are some photos from Klum's recent shoot for GQ. Even if they are doctored/Photoshopped, how fake could they be? This woman will be hot until the day she dies, or at least age 67, whichever comes later.

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The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens

Colleen Kane — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Yesterday we covered the sad tale of the chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well. (Who knew?)

Sandra Herold claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, and now another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago.

Regarding the previous unprovoked attack, Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.

And regarding the nature of the pet/owner relationship, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."

Sandra lost her daughter years ago and then her husband, so the Post speculates that Travis was a replacement, and even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.

And cue a protest by PETA in 3, 2, 1...

Chimp Escapes From Cage, Beats Zookeeper With Tranquillizer Gun

While You Were Sleeping: Getting Dumped On Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:20:00 GMT

"Sexting" is so popular even the backwards-ass morons at the New York Post are becoming aware of it.

The Republicans are planning to use Obama's plans to close Guantanamo Bay against him, maybe even as their lead line of attack.

And your worst nightmare is about to come true: Absolutely Fabulous is being remade as an American show.

The Silver Jews broke up. And apparently, David Berman's Dad is a psycho.

30 Rock and Kate Winslet('s cleavage) continue to collect the top awards. By the way, aside from 30 Rock, it's difficult to agree with any of the Screen Actors Guild choices, at least not the ones listed here.

Meanwhile, Slumdog Millionaire is doing very well in wide release, including in places like Butte, MT and Columbia, SC.

This is an incredible and surprisingly touching story of a Nigerian Facebook scam.

And speaking of Facebook, Prince Harry's five-year relationship has ended. The Royal found out himself only after seeing it in his Facebook News feed. Ow.

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Today In Headlines We Werent Expecting

Ina Maier — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:37:00 GMT

It would appear that someone at the illustrious publication that is the New York Post has their panties in a bit of a bunch...But what exactly have our Gallic friends across the pond done this time?

The author, Maureen Callahan, seems to be frustrated by the apparent American idolatry of French women. She writes:

Just who decided French women are better than we are? The French? When did American women buy into this? Who says French women are more stylish, more cultured, have more and better sex, and can smoke and drink and eat whatever they want without suffering bad skin or contracting lung cancer or - worst of all - getting fat?

A little jealousy is, we suppose, justified, but as the friendly co-worker who sent this to us noted: "The all caps makes it so much angrier!"

The Post is also known for their "punny" (if we may use the word so liberally) headlines, but we read the whole article waiting for the "suck it" play-on-words to emerge...but, well, it never did.

So, what do you think? Justified? Ou non?

[via]

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The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:50:00 GMT

It's been a big week for Ken and Barbie. First, they made a porno together, one that warmed our frozen-ass hearts in brutal New York; next up, confirmation that the guy who created Barbie was a total sleazebag...

The sex-starved mainstream media has been running excerpts from Jerry Oppenheimer's new book about Mattel, maker of the dreaded dolls, which include such nuggets as:

Jack Ryan, the Yale-educated designer who popularized Barbie, was a "full-blown seventies-style swinger" with "a manic need for sexual gratification."
Staging orgies at his Bel-Air mansion, Ryan, whose wives included Zsa Zsa Gabor, surrounded himself with busty Barbie clones, including Gwen Florea, who was the "voice of Barbie" in a line of talking dolls. The book quotes her: "He once said to me he loved me being tall so he could stick his nose in my boobs when he hugged me."

Ryan's friend, Stephen Gnass, confides to the author: "When Jack talked about creating Barbie . . . it was like listening to somebody talk about a sexual episode, almost like listening to a sexual pervert . . ." Ryan took calls at Mattel from a madam and patronized "high-class call girls to streetwalkers," including a "very thin and child-like" hooker. The book claims that Ryan "somehow rationalized that he was the only man in her life" until he was diagnosed with gonorrhea.

Yes, all this is entirely predictable. So what about the real debate-- what's up with "Ken"? According to IMDB, Barbie was named after Ryan's daughter Barbara, while Ken was based on... Ken, his son with Ruth Handler.

Despite marrying and having three kids, Ken was a closeted gay, Oppenheimer says. "To all those who knew him Ken Handler was a wonderful father, a loving husband . . . But there was another side to Ken. And in 1990 he was formally diagnosed with AIDS. His parents and wife were shocked." He died in 1994 in Greenwich Village, but obits didn't mention the disease.

The Post doesn't mention who Oppenheimer learned this information, so we can't say for sure it'll check out when the book appears, but... good Lord-- Ken was gay after all!

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Cat Scratch Fever: LiLo and Sam Ronson in New Year's Eve Girlfight

Colleen Kane — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:01:00 GMT

As much as we enjoy reading the tawdry British rags (i.e., mostly looking at photos), we suspect The Daily Mail might just be making this one up for ultimate titllation: Lindsay Lohan, and Samantha Ronson, sexy "lady" lesbians, fighting, each other, in an alleyway.

Video after the jump.

The pair rang in the new year by hosting a party at the Miami nighclub Mansion, until the latest fracas began as seen in this video. One viewer interpreted LiLo's rage was over Sam's selection of a Britney Spears song. (So like, is that the kind of stuff she plays as a professional DJ? Hm.)

The duo then took it outside nearby alley.

"When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!"' a "source" claims Lindsay screeched at Sam.

The beatdown continued later in their hotel room, which they reportedly trashed.

Here's the best part, though, as quoted from a source in The New York Post via The Daily Mail: "It was a really gross alley. There was a bum [tramp] eating a sandwich watching the whole thing."

Lesson for the New Year: bum = tramp in England.

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Image: WENN/Daily Mail

RIP Newspapers

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:50:00 GMT

We apologize for yet another Daily Show segment, but this short video seems to wrap up the fate of gray paper with words printed on it. Take a moment of silence in your blog hopping out of respect for the death of palpable journalism then laugh at this funny video.

We're not sure if the death of the newspaper is truly upon us (yet) or if the age-old news source will just restructure itself according to modern times, but as always the wacky fake anchorman, Stewart, raises interesting questions with his basic cable charm and blue state wit.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

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Crushes of the Week: The Ladies of Mad Men

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:24:00 GMT

We tried to watch Mad Men once and were, have to say, bored to tears. Perhaps we should have first fallen in love with Jon Hamm (who, by the way, is hosting SNL on 10/25, the night Sarah Palin is due to appear and come off slightly more sane), Elisabeth Moss (so much hotter in real life), and the rest of the studs and secretaries that populate this award-winning war on sexes...

Although clearly the hotter look for her, those conservative fifties outfits definitely have something going for them...

...well, maybe not that one. Then there's Christina Hendricks, cover girl of this weekend's Page Six Magazine...

On her character, Joan Holloway:

“Joan is a person I sometimes wish I could be. She’s a presentation. I don’t think she ever lets anyone see who she really is. She’s very confident and pulled together.”

On not being a size 2:

“No one will send me dresses. Designers loan size 2 or 4 samples to actresses, but I’m not that size. It’s like I’m a freak because I’m curvy and I can’t squeeze into those things. I’ve had some problems with that.”

Well, Christina, we don't have any problems with it... or you. And that's why you and Peggy and, hell, even Don Draper are our Crushes of the Week...

Via PageSix.

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While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:59:00 GMT

Today in CNN discoveries: thrift stores get a lot of business from the middle class... and hipsters.

Paris Bennett, who has something to do with American Idol, gave birth in the United States to a daughter she calls Egypt.

Even Willem Dafoe is feeling the housing crunch...

Willem Dafoe is having trouble selling his house in upstate Accord for $850,000. "It is clad in neoprene, the stuff they make wetsuits out of," says his neighbor, author Bruce Littlefield [NY Post]

Barack Obama leads John McCain... in Halloween sales.

Nonetheless, he shouldn't get cocky and listen to Michael Dukakis.

Drew Barrymore weighs in.

And Amy Winehouse is rumored to be seriously considering a Scientology-run detox program:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.” [Mirror]

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Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Barack Obama will be back on Saturday Night Live. Dear God, please, please, please let him play Sarah Palin. Nude. [Us]

And apparently now that Obama is involved, SNL is a "cult" Comedy Show. Who knew? [Yahoo!]

It seems that recently-divorced Pink is the latest victim of Scientology. [Yeeeah]

Just one day after Kanye West's outburst with the paparazzi that led to his arrest, he would like you to know he's totes cool with the paps. [People]

How are the McCain's like a drag queen? Why they stuff the "bad" bits (read: adopted Bangladeshi daughter) away. We didn't even know they had an adopted Bangladeshi daughter, did you? [Queerty]

We agree; Us Weekly's list of the top 25 most stylish New Yorkers is whack. [MollyGood]

According to the ever-reputable New York Post, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are as good as engaged. We better get an invite. We have a dress we've been dying to wear to a wedding. [NYP]

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:37:00 GMT

Christopher Plummer told PageSix a sex story so bizarrely hilarious that we were forced to lift our own ban on linking to the New York Post to share it with you...

The movie star has a new autobiography out in which, according to the gossip rag we love to hate, he tells the following story about gearing up to play Henry V on stage in 1956, a role for which William Shatner was the understudy. (Note that just before the excerpt begins, Plummer has just had a wild one night stand with an unnamed woman...)

"I woke up alone the next morning... (pain) all around my groin and lower abdomen... I started to whimper like a whipped dog. 'So this is what syphilis is like?' I thought. 'I suppose I deserve it, but Christ, how the hell was I to know?'
But instead of being struck down by the disease, Plummer had dislodged a kidney stone and had to undergo a medical procedure with a surgical wire to resolve the problem.
He adds, "It began to sink in... Shatner, my understudy, would have to go on... (It) instantly brought back the pain. I screamed for a nurse who jabbed me with more morphine.
"I knew then that the S.O.B. was going to be a 'star.'" [WENN-- see, we avoided the Post]

Ooh, scandalous! It almost would make more sense of Plummer had contracted syphillis because it would explain his insane assertion that William Shatner became famous for a 1950s stage play by Billy Shakes. Everybody knows it was his rockin' version of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds."

Right?

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Obama Nails (The Endorsement of) A Republican Senator's Wife

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Obama picked up some shock endorsements in the past day or so, including one that is very suspicious indeed...

Rupert Murdoch, head of Fox News and owner of the equally-radically conservative New York Post, had this to say about Obama's candidacy (and sure as hell sounds like an endorsement):

"He is a rock star. I love what he is saying about education. I think he will win and I am anxious to meet him."

Perhaps Murdoch, ever the opportunist, had thrown a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton when it looked like she was the inevitable next President. Does this mean he actually supports Obama or is just playing nice? Or is he just kissing Obama's ass to get him to do interviews with his attack dogs? Or what? Frankly, we know Obama has crossover appeal (just as Hillary and John McCain, who is much-loved by Independents, do), but we have learned never to take Murdoch's motives at face value.

"I don't think he will win Florida.....but he will win in Ohio and the election. I am anxious to meet him. I want to see if he will walk the walk.
"McCain is a friend of mine. He's a patriot. But he's unpredicatble. Doesn't seem to know much about the economy. He has been in Congress a long time, and you have to make a lot of compromises. So what's he really stand for?... I think he has a lot of problems."

Meanwhile, Senator Chuck Hagel's wife reportedly donated to the Obama campaign. Could an endorsement from this Republican friend of John McCain's, a key centrist voice in this country, be far behind?

Girl Gone Wild: The Ashley Alexandra Dupree Video

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:11:00 GMT

Rarely has a story ever been so nauseating... or appropriate for Scanner: an eighteen-year-old girl, subjected to the whims of Girls Gone Wild douchebag and ex-con Joe Francis, is exploited, celebrated, then ditched when her usefulness gets stale. The teenage girl goes on to become a Julia Roberts/"Pretty Woman" prostitute-- well paid but nevertheless a streetwalking cheetah with a heart full of napalm. A runaway soul. And eventually the fatal flaw in the rise and fall of the former First Jewish President of the United States...

Now Girls Gone Wild is selling a nudie video or two of our favorite Republican plant in the State House. The New York Post has a censored overview of the material; really, what more do you need to see of this overexposed star? Can't we leave her alone to her music career?

Hold it-- you do want to see more? Well, if someone wants to waste $29 to become a GGW member, download the offending material, and somehow get it to us via an embed code... we will reluctantly post it.

In the meantime, here are some more pics from the video.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds...

Photos/links via the New York Post.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre: The Last Nude Hurrah

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Did Ash sign a contract with the New York gossip rags to pose nude for them every day? It sure seemed that way over the last week. Well, the fun we've been having waking up in the morning to rampant nakedness at the newsstand appears to be over, with one final photo for the Post...

1) Over the weekend, smut peddler/First Amendment hero Larry Flynt offered the skanksta 1,000,000 American pounds if she would spread her legs... in his pages. Why doesn't he just pay her what he has in his wallet and get this whole thing over with? After all, the below photo is enough for us-- we don't need much more.

2) Ashley's friends are helping her lay low, which probably means no more jetting to Midtown to take nude photos like the one below.

3) She may be turning into a respectable recording artist. Even ig'nant record execs must be foaming at the mouth at the popularity, however kitsch, over her songs on the internet. As her vocal coach puts it in a MySpace comment:

"We wIll bE on yoUr side forever these events reinforce the poWer of mUsic to overcome obstacles in our lives."

Judging by the quality of said music, these events also reinforce the poWer of mUsic to BEcome obstacles in our lives. Barf.

4) Spitzer and his soon-to-be-estranged family are in hiding these days. Without their mopey mugs at more news conferences, the press is likely to go sniffing elsewhere for fresh blood, with their interest in Ash dissipating in the process. Perfect time for her to hit the nudie mags up for a million bucks, just as she senses the public's attention waning.

In any case, we can at least enjoy the below photo and speculate on why her boobs look so weird in every picture we've seen:

Previously: Client 9's Date Revealed... And She's Worth The $4,300, Sloppy Seconds: Eliot Spitzer's Lady Friend Can Rock Your World Too; and Ashley Alexandra Dupre To Get Naked?

[Photos: New York Daily News]

Ashley Alexandra Dupre To Get Naked?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:00:00 GMT

As if teasing the publishers of Penthouse and Playboy, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the most famous hooker of the week, is butt-naked on the cover of today's New York Post. The "aspiring singer," a charge as yet unproved, had five million hits on her MySpace page yesterday, prompting some dumbass who doesn't want to make any money to take it down.

The whirlwind of publicity that made Ash an overnight star may, however, have unintended consequences... such as subjecting us to a music video (see below.)

Radar and the Huffington Post speculate on whether "Kristen" will hit the of your favorite bodega nudie mag ASAP:

Penthouse publisher Diane Silberstein tells Radar that she'd be "very, very interested" in talking to anyone who had naked pics of Dupré, particularly if said pics were taken recently and of good quality. "We've already discussed some options--obviously, we'd be thrilled if we could land an exclusive," Silberstein says....When asked for a ballpark dollar amount the magazine would be willing to shell out, Silberstein said that any negotiation between the magazine and Dupré would be kept confidential.

A representative of Playboy told the Huffington Post, "We are not commenting on the Spitzer girl or what her photos would be worth at this time," though a source at the magazine reportedly told Radar that she could fetch somewhere in the "high six figures" for posing in the magazine.

As for those godawful songs, we're thinking that they could actually help make her the new Paris Hilton. The media is desperate for new angles and stories of girls gone wild, and with Paris seemingly toning it down a little, Ash could easily step up to the proverbial plate.

Now, for the video: Scanner Brian is pretty sure he saw this being filmed a while back and he laughs at its amateurish production even now.

Sloppy Spitzer Seconds, Part Two: Where We Are Pleasantly Surprised

Bryan Christian — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

We're back, and since we got all the sleazy stuff out of the way earlier this morning, we're looking at whether the media's doing any better treating the Spitzer Scandal like we're all adults. And we gotta say: if this were the SAT's, we'd say they scored in, like, the 85th percentile. Let's have a look.

-- On New York's Daily Intelligencer, it is noted that prostitution, like real estate, is an industry that has seen a fair amount of inflation in the last few years -- and everyone knowing what Eliot Spitzer was paying might make it worse. Here also find the Wall Street Journal article which inspired the DI post, albeit longer-ly and with less wacky Photoshopping.

-- By the way, in case you weren't aware, the New York Post says over a ten-year period, it was somewhere around $80 GRAND the guy spent on hookers. Remember: Eliot Spitzer actually comes from money, so that $80 Grand probably seems like even less money to him than it might to you or us, assuming you are as broke as us.

-- Slate Magazine totally surprises us by dropping a couple of short missives on whether Spitzer might shoulda paid more for his lady company, and how he could have arranged his payments, to avoid being caught. Slate, who knew you were so naughty!

-- And Slate's XX Factor blog also goes into overdrive on the topic, asking whether cheating is better or worse with a prostitute (for the spouse, of course), what a prostitute might consider "not safe," how hard it would have been for him to have just gotten a little on the side, and whether Spitzer got into politics for the chicks in the first place. (Again, we remind you: dude was born rich, so it ain't out of left field to wonder.)

-- Finally, over on Salon, Glenn Greenwald bums us out as he generally does, this time with all the contradictions brought up by l'affaire Spitzer.

* People who work at an unpleasant job in order to support themselves, rather than because they enjoy it, are the functional equivalent of brutalized, exploited slaves and therefore should be barred by others from choosing that job -- when the job in question is prostitution, but not when it's factory work or fast food cashier or large corporate law firm associate or massage therapist or porn actor.

Ah dude, don't ruin porn for us too!

Sloppy Spitzer Seconds, Part One: Where We Are Titillated and Amused

Bryan Christian — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:05:00 GMT

What a difference a day makes. Here we were yesterday, bemoaning the lack of serious discussion of prostitution in the media following the Spitzer Shocker™, and what do we find today but a few really interesting and thoughtful attempts to explore the state of prostitution in this country! Not that we're gonna cover those just yet. We gotta get all the goofy and sleazy stuff out of the way first. Like for example, the quest to uncover "Kristen" -- who it turns out is actually named Ashley and is kind of cute (see above) -- and her madam. Shall we begin?

-- Let's cut right to cherchez-ing la femme. The prostitute named in all those indictments as "Kristen" is really named Ashley Dupré and she's apparently having a really hard time with this so please no one bug her. The first definitive picture that we saw of her was the above screengrab on PageSix.com, and within a few hours the New York Times had an interview and pics from her MySpace page. She's a 22-year-old who, according to the Times, just want through a breakup, spent time in an abusive home, looks up to her brother, and is trying to get a music career going and hooking on the side. Oh, and sometimes she gets sleepy.

Ah look at her. Seriously, guys, if even part of her story is true, we are totally crushing on her, so if we hear of you being even the slightest bit mean to her, we will personally jump out of your computer screen and strangle you with your mouse cord.

-- Meanwhile, New York's Daily Intelligencer tips us off to the fact that Kristen/Ashley's madam, Tameka Lewis, a.k.a. "Rachelle," lives just a few blocks from us in Clinton Hill but has yet to turn up -- despite being staked out by the MSM. Rachelle, if you're reading this: we've got a Wii and Tofutti Cuties if you need a place to crash.

-- The New York Post totally ripped off NYC blog Gothamist by publishing -- without credit -- a Photoshopped gag image submitted to the site's "We Can Haz Spitzer Photoshop?" contest. Our favorite was the other Spitzerpimp, actually, which was a little less cut-and-pasty.

-- Oh, and best headline we've seen thus far on the story comes from Fark, posted some time yesterday morning: Spitzer will pull out within the hour, or around $4900 from now.

See ya in a bit with a more grown-up exploration, promise!

Caption This: Tomorrow's NY Post Headline

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:28:00 GMT

What do you think the clever folks at the New York Post will come up with for tomorrow's front-page headline?

Reason Number 379 To Hate The New York Post: They Made the Oscars About Diablo Cody's Stripper Tattoo

Emily Farris — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:04:00 GMT

In case you've forgotten, we're mad at The New York Post—so mad, in fact, that we called for a sex boycott of anyone who reads the paper. Well, hey, remember The Oscars? That big awards show/party last night everyone got all dressed up for and is still talking about? Of course, The Post found a way to make it about all Diablo Cody—the former exotic dancer turned screenwriter—and her super scandalous tattoos, with a cover shot of her pretty fucking cool ink and a headline that read "Who's Tat Girl! Pretty-in-ink former stripper wins for 'Juno.' Then they ran a picture making it look like she was giving Mr. Oscar head...

We'll admit. We would have loved this image on the cover of just about any other publication. Except for this line "And the shocker Oscar went to... a sharp-tongued, tattooed, former stripper who glorified a sassy, pregnant teen and her geeky boyfriend..." That's fucking right.

[New York Post via Gawker]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Survived Another Valentine's Day and So Did You

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Valentine's Day has come and gone and we're all still here (except maybe the people who got heart-shaped suckers with scraps of metal in them). We may have gained a few pounds and had a few too many red hots while watching LOST alone in bed, but over all, it was an OK week. Even for those of us who aren't getting any (and that includes you now, New York Post readers!).

Highs:

We had a reading and you came and it was great.

Jane Fonda said "cunt" live on national television.

We found some creative ways to get through Valentine's Day.

Amy Winehouse sobered up in time for the Grammys. Or so we think.

We called a sex boycott for New York Post readers.

Lows:

Unfortunately we had to call said sex boycott because of this story.

Nipples in strange places freak us out.

This girl makes us sad for her generation.

Amsterdam's Red Light District faces a grim future. At least there will still be frites mayo.

Some crazies let Britney near their kids.

[Image via]

Scanner's Sex Boycott for New York Post Readers

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 13:53:00 GMT

As we reported yesterday, The New York Post revealed the identity of a man who happened to choke while minding his own business at a BDSM club. The Post ran a series of stories about the man, his family and his profession and called his presence at the club his "shameful habit." When questioned about the ethics of revealing the man's name, a spokesperson for the paper shamelessly declared "The Post will happily name every adult caught in a dog collar."

We've never been big fans of The Post and its yellow journalism. This particular incident has sent us over the edge. We thought about calling for a boycott of The Post, but that wouldn't do much good. What would we do? Keep not buying The Post? Plus, we're going to go out on a limb and guess that a fair number of the people who get their news from The Post think it's probably okay to out someone like that. So, instead we're calling for a boycott of sex with people who read The New York Post.

That's right. If you believe that what The Post did was wrong, and you're sleeping with someone who reads that paper, or considering sleeping with someone who reads that paper, don't do it. We're all for sex, but we're also all for people having the right to practice whatever sexual fetishes they want to do freely (as long as they're not hurting anyone else, which this man clearly was not) without having their names and faces splashed on the front page of a New York City tabloid.

How long will a Post reader go without nookie before s/he finally makes the switch? And what kind of effect could this have on The Post's sales? We know it's already hurting for readership, that's why they shove free copies in everyone's faces. What would a sex boycott do to The Post?

All we want is for The Post to issue a front page apology to the man. Oh, and never pull that shit again. And even if they don't apologize because of our little boycott, do you really want to sleep with someone who gets his or her news from a source like The New York Post? We thought not.

[Previously on Scanner: "The Post will happily name any adult caught in a dog collar."]

"The Post will happily name every adult caught in a dog collar."

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:44:00 GMT

A quote offered by The New York Post's spokesperson after the paper identified a 67-year-old man who choked at a BDSM club in New York. Not only did The Post name the man in an article, the editors felt the need to report every thing he was wearing (including a collar, nipple clamps, and high heels), and call his wife and former students for comment on the "incident."

Obviously, people—including us, Dan Savage, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom—are outraged. This man committed no crime and is not a public figure, yet The Post decided that they needed to "out" him for his sexual fetishes.

Oh, but wait, they misidentified the man in yesterday's paper, calling him Richard, not Robert. And after correcting the story, a Post reporter visited Robert in the hospital, and coaxed an "exclusive" interview out of him where he discussed what the paper called his "shameful habit." They splashed the story, and the man's picture, on the front page of today's paper.

Shame on The New York Post. Not that we ever read that crap for anything but gossip anyway.

[Portfolio: Sexual Vigilanteism at the 'New York Post']

[NOTE: Obviously, The Post ran their faces, we just blurred them out]