Scanner : new jersey

Coming to the Jersey Shore This Summer: Bottoms-Only Bikinis

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:28:00 GMT

Two Philly-area boutique owners are trying to start a new trend on the Jersey shore this summer: topless beachgoing.

They have managed to convince themselves they'll have no trouble unloading $75-200 bikini bottoms without including tops... and some people are convinced this is only the beginning of a new American trend. Several area media outlets picked up the story of the Jack & Jill Boutique in Old City, run by Anh Nguyen and partner Janice Lim, and trumpeted as the latest fad. We're guessing having Nguyen pose in the bikinis for one of the stories didn't hurt... although we're trying to figure out why she's wearing a top if she thinks it's so normal and cool...

MSNBC's reaction was similar to ours:

Since you're only buying half of a bathing suit you'll save money, right? Wrong! Each piece costs between $75 and $200. You can buy a matching cover-up and bikini top, too if flaunting your stuff isn’t your thing.

So, if that’s the case, can’t you just prance around topless in some bikini bottoms you already own? Save yourself the cash.

We're trying to figure out what these female business owners were thinking, promoting the idea of topless sunbathing in the state of New Jersey. Don't they know what the guys will do? These people still think Bon Jovi is a Genius, for God's sake. (Cue retaliatory comments from our fellow blogger, Jersey-Lovin' Colleen Kane, any moment now.)

But seriously, the woman pictured below has got a long road ahead of her if she's selling bottoms-only bikinis at those prices...

More of her here.

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Jersey Girl's Torrid Love Affair With An Eighth Grader

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:08:00 GMT

23-year-old Jersey Girl Lindsay Massaro was a student teacher at a K-8 school in Frankford, about 60 miles west of New York City. He was a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old eighth grade guy who may or may not have been special ed. (According to unidentified sources, Massaro is working toward receiving her certificate in special education.)

They were totally non-sexual... until, out of nowhere, they fell into a torrid affair...

Massaro was arrested only a few days ago following a surprisingly-recent crime. (Usually with these cases, it's month later, after the boy's parents become suspicious or the student can't keep it quiet any longer and brags to his friends.) The timeline given to the media indicates March 21st is the day they first slept together, with the relationship dissolving exactly one week later, which would be this past Saturday. Massaro is charged with "second-degree sexual assault, third-degree endangering the welfare of a minor and fourth-degree criminal sexual contact" steaming from "acts of sexual penetration and sexual contact with the intimate parts of a minor male," according to this source. If she's convicted, which she may not be given the fact that there seems to be very little evidence, she faces an expected ten years in prison.

In any case, Massaro's teaching career is over. She's been fired from her job, is out on $75,000 bail, and has no hope of convincing another school to hire her unless this all turns out to be a horrible prank to which the culprits confess.

What do you think about these cases where the teacher is barred from having anything to do with children, thus barring them from working? Murderers out on bail are not barred from owning knives, for example. Just wondering...

Photo via this link.

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14-Year-Old Girl Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

A fourteen-year-old New Jersey girl faces up to 17 years in prison and lifetime membership into the Sex Offenders registry after police found her to be in possession of child pornography, including some graphic, full-frontal nude photos.

Of course, there's much more to the story than just that...

A message like the one seen above now takes up most of the unidentified girl's MySpace Pictures folder. It is believed, based on early reports, that the teen posted more than two dozen nude photos of herself to her profile, mainly for her boyfriend to see. How anyone could still think they're going to get away with this with all the buzz about people being arrested for sexting is beyond us. Why anyone would post the photos on a public profile with the intent of one person seeing them is way beyond our capacity of understanding. Which is why the only explanation is that this girl is too young to know any better, and therefore, she should not be going through this:

The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography. She was released to her mother's custody.
If convicted of the distribution charge, she would be forced to register with the state as a sex offender under Megan's Law, said state Attorney General Anne Milgram. She also could face up to 17 years in jail, though such a stiff sentence is unlikely.

You'll note that Milgram is not saying, "Wait a minute, the pictures are of herself? And she's only 16? Um, yeah, we'll be knocking this down a misdemeanor, no question." Idiot.

Meanwhile, the mother whose daughter is the basis for Megan's Law said the girl should absolutely not be prosecuted. This is really a no-brainer, New Jersey. Taking the photos down and giving her a severe reprimand would have been enough...

More via the Associated Press/Google.

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New Jersey Contemplates Ban on Brazilian Wax

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:02:00 GMT

New Jersey's Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is considering a ban on genital waxing, as cosmetologists across the state are discovering, to their surprise, that the process is already illegal.

What should be illegal about a Brazilian wax? Isn't it, technically, just a hairstyle?

A spokesman for the Department of Consumer Affairs explained that the move resulted from two complaints from women whose waxes landed them in the hospital, one of whom sued.

A dermatologist consulted by the Philadelphia Daily News admitted that the procedure could tear skin and result in infection, but anything could cause an infection. The cosmetologists were less subtle in their commentary:

"The clients are going to freak."

"If it's illegal, then why do they teach it in schools?"

"(Women would) go ballistic."

The jury is out until the board meets on April 14.

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Warner Bros. Took Away Kevin Smith's Dicks

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:15:00 GMT

We would be more outraged about this news of a Kevin Smith film being censored if our initial reaction to this news wasn't "Kevin Smith is making another movie?"

What juvenalia has he left unplumbed? Is there still more minutia of Star Wars yet to be discussed on the big screen?

This latest venture with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan was supposed to be titled A Couple of Dicks. And it's about detectives! But then Warner Bros. found that just too risque and so the name has been changed to...wait for it...

A Couple of Cops.

[As struggling screenwriters everywhere kill themselves, alone in their cheap rented rooms.]

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While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

CNN looks at one convicted murderer's life after DNA vindication.

The Obamas announced what kind of puppy they're going to get. My, they are drawing this out like a Stephen King serial novel, aren't they?

High School Fight Club didn't turn out to be as funny as the movie.

A New Jersey beauty queen was arrested for counterfeiting... beware the frightening pictures of the other two culprits!

Was this a brilliant bank robbery or what? Let's hope there's a movie in the works.

Ryanair hates bloggers... although, in the company's defense, they do have their reasons.

Anna Paquin is dating her True Blood co-star.

That awesome fake vintage video game in The Wrestler? It's real... unfortunately, it's not for sale... yet.

And does this Leonard Cohen "poem" in the New Yorker mean he's working on new songs?

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Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

My fellow Americans, I have only had one Presidential-themed encounter personally, but I'm going to share my mom's anecdote and my dad's half-one as well. It's a Kanes' Brushes With Presidential Fame Extravaganza.

Picture it: Central Jersey, nineteen eighty something. My moms was driving along route 287 when a high-end foreign car (she forgets the make now, but guesses BMW) took a swerve towards my mom's mustard-colored Volvo station wagon. Mom looked over at the driver, who was rummaging for something on the dashboard, and was startled to recognize one of the most iconic faces of her lifetime looking back.

It was Jackie O! She lived in some ritzy part of the Jerse at the time, possibly Pluckemin, although that factoid is now hazy in my parents' memories as well. They met eyes, and Jackie did a little "oops, sorry" wave. Then my mom and John John's mom happened to get off at the same exit, and happened to end up at the same strip mall. (Nobody was stalking anybody, so lay off.) Jackie was heading to the dry cleaners, noticed my mom's car as the one she'd swerved at earlier, and waved over to her. She was maybe not the greatest driver, but no one could deny the lady's grace.

It must have been the early 80s, because I was young enough that I didn't know who Jackie O was, but I remember how thrilled my mom was telling the story to everyone. Another time, my dad stood behind Jackie on line when she was buying cigarettes, but he didn't get any Presidential waves. I did though, years later. Here's my encounter, as told when I was interviewed on Gothamist.

A few days after September 11th, a few friends and I made it into the sealed-off downtown area to try to volunteer at one of the hospitals. We ended up sitting in a waiting room for hours, not being of any help to anyone. The whole front glass wall of the waiting room was covered with missing-person fliers. While waiting there I saw, on the fuzzy local TV news (all the TV towers had been knocked out, remember) President Bush boarding a small plane to come to New York. That’s right, that goon is President, I was reminded again. Finally we gave up waiting around to help and headed out. I peeled a scrap of paper from a car that was covered in that damp, gray-white dust that was made up of the collapsed buildings and humanity and planes. It said “Appendix,” and I kept it in my pocket. As we walked uptown we were stopped by a cop, on a corner across the street from City Hall. All pedestrian traffic was stopped on all corners at that intersection, though we weren’t told why. Finally a succession of black SUVs and other Secret Service vehicles with tinted glass came around the corner heading down to Ground Zero…it was the Presidential motorcade. New Yorkers on each corner of the intersection stood silent as the motorcade slowly proceeded by, then we saw President Bush’s grinning monkey face at one window, and he waved and gave us the thumbs up. The fucking thumbs up?! Was he joking? Nobody waved back, cheered, booed, or said much of anything, really. It was just like, Holy shit; that was the President. It was just another odd sight to an already stunned populace at one of the most unreal times ever.

Kind of a bum note to end on...but then just remember OBAMA!

USA!

Happy Presidents' Day, everyone.

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Bale Out: the Inevitable Christian Bale Goes Apesh1t Remix

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:49:00 GMT

It seems like only yesterday we were reading about Bale going bananas on some poor underling bastard (it was), but in the fast-paced society, this audio footage has already been processed and cranked out as something else: Bale Out, the remix.

To me, it sounds like perfectly passable industrial music, which is to say, I wouldn't put it on now, but would've danced to it at the Roxy in New Brunswick in the '90s.

Related:

Christian Bale Goes Apesh*t On Set (AUDIO)

While You Were Sleeping: Morrissey Gets Naked For CD Sales

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

Careful when you decide to beat up a guy caught robbing someone's purse-- he may have been in the right.

Morrissey is butt naked!

The Flight of the Conchords are going on tour.

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LOL Halftimez: Springsteen Nails Jersey's Jewels

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:51:00 GMT

When living in a foreign land (Louisiana), a Jersey girl takes extra pride in a Bruce Springsteen halftime show. I found myself the only one out of about 15 people around the TV who was singing, declaring the others unAmerican for their lack of enthusiasm. However, Bruce's show had one highlight everyone could get behind with uproarious laughter: when he did a knee slide right into the camera, nailing himself in the crotch.

We all watched it at least five times with the magic of the DVR, but here it is once more in HD: the moment of glory is at 3:45.

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In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Single Woman Sets 365-Day Deadline For Her Mr. Right, World Groans

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Neenah Pickett is a single woman seeking a husband.

This wouldn't be a problem, since Pickett seems likable in her interview with Good Morning America (that show's still on?), except for two things that are working against her: 1) her age, which is 42, is sadly considered past her prime by many men and 2) her location, which is New Jersey. (Just kidding, Jersey!)

Seriously, Pickett has started a website called Fifty-Two Weeks To Find Him, which is basically that-- a website to publicize her quest to find the perfect mate by the end of 2009. Somehow, men are supposed to find the site, watch the videos, judge her from her testimonials and also somehow reside near enough to date her.

Isn't this counterproductive? Sure, curious single dudes will check out her website because of all this publicity, but wouldn't it have been better to have spent this time, money, and energy getting set up with friends of friends, meeting guys in bookstores and cafes, and talking with others about what could help her snag the love of her life? And to set a deadline like this-- for most things, this works, such as completing an art project or to have saved up a certain amount of money or some sort of task that doesn't rely so much on another person's participation, but not love.

True love cannot be put on a calendar, damn it. Luckily, Neena says she is "comfortable" with the idea that she may not find a new love by January 1st-- maybe she's sane after all...

Via ABC News.

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This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Allen Ginsberg actually believed (well, maybe that's too strong a word) Henry Kissinger would strip naked with him on national television in a bid to promote world peace.

The gay blogs are taking an "ex-gay" to task for appearing in anti anti-hate crime ads.

A divorced Mom in (surprise, surprise) Tennessee is not allowed to have her lesbian lover stay over. The lesbian lover has taken extreme measures to ensure the bigoted judge does not win...

Angel Chandler's partner, who has been with Ms. Chandler for nearly 10 years, was given a "paramour" restriction by the family court, despite the fact that a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation deemed Ms. Chandler's partner to be "a positive influence on her children." According to Jeanne Sager of Strollerderby, "The ACLU has stepped into the fray, filing a brief this week that urges the court to remove the paramour restriction, calling it unconstitutional for interfering with Chandler's abilities to raise her children as she sees fit."
For now, Chandler and her partner are getting around the ruling by living side-by-side in a duplex. [Jezebel]

If you consider yourself "trans" anything, it's better just to stay away from Memphis, as we've learned from this and other recent news stories.

Yay! Campbell's Soup is on the pro-gay side.

A New Jersey church is being sued for discrimination. These idiots think they are above the law or something? You can't discriminate against gay people, not even in Jersey!

If you're so upset at people for getting married and yet despise straight divorce, maybe you should get behind California's "Please Don't Divorce Us" campaign. Hey, you might learn something.

Battlestar Galactica has a gay character, it seems.

Poor Mickey Rourke is getting desperate in his bid for an Oscar. Check out the alleged text message he sent about rival Sean Penn:

“Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [Defamer]

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This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Sioux City, Iowa decided not to vote on gay marriage because they're not sure they have the authority to do so. We wish Prop 8 supporters had realized the same thing.

Arizona can't even decide whether it wants to support equal judicial representation of gay people.

Headline of the week: "How gay are Philly athletes?" Answer: very.

The State Department has find an interesting way to stop gay marriage...

I've now seen a couple of different reports (here and now here) about how same-sex couples who legally change their names on their marriage certificates are unable to get the State Department to recognize that name change on the couple's passports. In these cases, the State Department takes the position that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prevents the government from recognizing a name change effected in conjunction with a same-sex marriage. Nonetheless, the State Department will recognize the name change if the couple takes the separate (and completely unnecessary) step of going to court to get a judicial name change or if the new name is used publicly and exclusively for a period of at least five years (and you can document such use).

Showtime is producing a reality show called Coming Out, which is, you guessed it, about people who come out to their bizarrely-clueless families.

New Jersey may have marriage equality in the near future.

"Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality." - Jon Stewart

Melissa Etheridge and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a fight about gay marriage on The View.

And another dumb kid wore a pro-Prop 8 shrit to school.

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Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:46:00 GMT

Have you heard about the insanity that's going on in Atlantic City?

And no, we don't mean the usual drug-related shootings, OD'ing schoolkids, or half a dozen brothels being raided. We're talking about the City Council corruption scandal, which is finally over, having exposed ministers getting blow jobs from prostitutes, backroom deals, and entire families going down in an amusing public bonfire...

Here are the facts:

A Baptist minister was secretly filmed getting a blow job on a hotel room's hidden camera (which was inside a clock radio, creepily enough.) It turned out the minister was City Council member Eugene Robinson and it quickly became apparent that he was being set up for blackmail by the Council's President, Craig Calloway, who apparently didn't have enough power at #1. Even more strange: Calloway was busted by a DJ who received a copy of the tape from a man wearing something of a Mr. Potato Head getup: ridiculous glasses, fake facial hair, and protective gloves.

Now Calloway has been convicted of corruption and a conspiracy that involved two of his brothers, and will serve three years in a Federal prison. Meanwhile, the city is suffering financially as even casinos can't make a profit in these trying times. It also doesn't help that the most recent ex-mayor of A.C. famously went AWOL last year, resurfacing only to admit to a painkiller addiction and resigning.

In other words, if you miss the 70's Las Vegas and its pre-legalized prostitution underworld, buses leave for Atlantic City leave every 15 minutes from New York's Port Authority...

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Today's Cradle-Robbing Cutie: Drama Teacher Lisa Glide

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:24:00 GMT

'Tis the season for stories of teachers sleeping with high school students, apparently.

35-year-old New Jersey drama teacher Lisa "Astro?" Glide was taken in by the cops yesterday following revelations she had a continuing sexual relationship with one of her students, a seventeen-year-old who has long since graduated. If these charges stick, she could face up to twenty years in prison...

Here are some comments we've seen on various news sites discussing this case:

-Hey authorities, he’s a little hint - if the “victim” is older than 13, he is not really a victim. He’s the luckiest dude at school - especially when the supposed “sex offender” looks like she just walked off the Cowboys cheerleading squad.
-Yet ANOTHER female predator. You can bet she'll get off with a slap. If a man did this, he'd be put away forever.
-seriously.....does anyone believe a 17 year old boy be emotionaly harmed by this? This may sound like double standard/sexist but just wondering?

I'll be more harmed by this becoming public, especiallly if she was not that attractive.

I understand her responsibility as a teacher but he is 17....
-Going back 5 yrs when I was 17 and if my teacher looked as good I would definately do her. A 17yr old male definately knows what he is doing. The teacher shouldnt be lawfully punished but definately fired and should seek a new career.

P.S. Good job lil man! Hope you scored an A++

Hey, 22-year-old dude: you'd be helping your case a whole more if you spelled "definitely" correctly when you say a 17-year-old "definately know what he is doing," since you sure as hell don't.

We post these stories all the time, but no one ever weighs in on whether these (FEMALE) teachers deserve punishment beyond an obvious firing. What do you think? If the now-eighteen-year-old guy consented and continued to consent throughout and testifies in her defense, what should her punishment be, if anything?

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While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:14:00 GMT

More like: While You Were Eating...

Britney Spears' diet consists mainly of "Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull." Now that's a Thanksgiving dinner we can get behind!

The 2009 Pretty in Mink calendar features supposed conservatives pretending to be glamorous.

Since InTouch is a waste of hopefully recyclable paper, we can't be sure if this Angelina Jolie news is true...

According to InTouch, Saint Angie told everyone the news when a waiter tried to pour her ass a booze drink at a restaurant in London. Brad Pitt gave Angie Jo the side-eye because he wasn't ready to go public with the news [that she's pregnant again.]

Enjoy the above photo of Tina Fey now... because this pic of her may traumatize you for life.

Karl Rove... closet Obama fan? By the way, the transition team has received almost 300,000 resumes so far.

And your comic relief: New Jersey police responded to an alarm at a bank after hours and, seeing what appeared to be a person inside, they evacuated nearby apartments, surrounded the bank, and began making requests through a megaphone. Later on, they realized the person was actually a cardboard cutout.

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Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

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Photo: Wikimedia

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:15:00 GMT

We realize that our headline is incredibly misleading but we never miss a chance to dig on our neighbors and rivals...

The Asbury Park Press has-- seriously-- gotten its panties in a twist about a bunch of dudes from New Jersey getting approved for an estrogen cream. We have to humbly step aside, without comment, and allow them their moment to shine:

Madison-based Wyeth said it won U.S. approval of a low-dose form of Premarin to treat a condition that makes sexual intercourse painful for some women.
The estrogen cream was approved for the condition known as postmenopausal dyspareunia, the company said today in a statement distributed by PR Newswire. The disorder follows the atrophy, or thinning, of the vagina and vulva that can occur in menopause, usually between the ages of 45 to 55.

The cream has 0.5 grams of estrogens, the company said. The drug will be sold by prescription only. [APP]

Ball's in your court, New York. Now we need to permanently cure impotence or the wandering eye or something... [Image]

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Today in WTF: Waterboarding Ride At Coney Island

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:08:00 GMT

Would you take the "Waterboarding Thrill Ride" at Coney? What about if we gave you a dollar? What if we gave you two dollars?

Not to worry (unless of course your skin is "nonwhite" and you are, for any reason, in any foreign country), you will never actually have to be subjected to what we now refer to as the Christopher Hitchens treatment. This is one "ride" that humans will never have to take...

"Waterboard Thrill Ride" beckons a sign along with cartoon character "SpongeBob SquarePants" who appears tied down and exclaiming: "It don't Gitmo better!"

The public can peek through window bars and feed a dollar into the slot to bring the robotic dolls into action...

All right, not a terrible idea for a protest, but we'll stick to the Cyclone and "Harold and Kumar": Gitmo's just a little too scary to witness, even with machines in place of what could easily be any of us...

Marion Tracey, 57, from New Jersey, said she found the installation disturbing. It made her think of her father who had nightmares after returning from World War II. "In all wars, horrible things happen," she said. "I'd rather not see it."

Alex Soto, 23, said he thought it was a good thing for people to learn about waterboarding, but he added: "It is pretty twisted."

Thanks, Mr. Understatement. Via Reuters.

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

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Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:21:00 GMT

Thanks to the Jersey Journal, no one will ever again need to ask, "Where's the beef?"

[Big ups to Jess and Toni for the photo]

Hero of the Day: NJ Citizen Traffic Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Not this guy.

We were in the middle of beating the heat (sounds so dirty) by scarfing down buckets of Yolato gelato yesterday, when we happened to catch this guy on the five o'clock news...

It was on ABC 7 (NY/NJ/CT): a man in what appeared to be a wife beater t-shirt, directing traffic without being asked when the east coast heatwave knocked out area traffic lights. We wish we had a better picture than the one above, but ABC 7 apparently moved on to the latest triple murders and molesting teachers and the wonderful video is not on their website.

Reasons we love the lone man against the traffic guy (the closest America's going to come to the lone student against the tank in Tiananmen Square?):

1) He had absolutely no reason to help. It was hotter than an Eva Mendes-Scarlett Johansson sex tape yesterday and yet he stood out there in the bright sun, making sure other people made it home in one piece.

2) Could have been killed. After last week's story on the hit-and-run in Hartford, we're afraid to cross traffic, let alone stand in the middle of it.

3) Honking, middle fingers, and revving engines. There was no sound from the scene during ABC's broadcast, so who knows if drivers were polite. If they weren't, it may have gotten ugly out there. If it did, our loner only seemed more encouraged as the video guys on, excitedly waving and stopping, motioning and halting.

4) He's probably drunk. It's the middle of the day and he's walking around Northern New Jersey with just an undershirt and apparently has nowhere to be in a hurry? Yeah, he was blitzed out of his gourd. Nonetheless, bonus points for keeping it together.

And for that, he's our Hero of the Day. Every day.

PREVIOUS: Today in the Apocalypse: Hartford Hit and Run

Image via Flickr.

When Straight Marriage Goes Gay

Emily Farris — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:57:00 GMT

The New York Times this weekend explored how transgendered couples are challenging the marriage laws in New Jersey.

Donald and Frances Brunner married in 1980. In 2005 Donald became Denise. Still legally married, the couple just amended the marriage license to reflect the name change.

Another biologically hetero couple married six months before the "husband" had his sex change, just so they could be protected by law.

It would seem as if the joke is on New Jersey. For now, anyway. While neither couple has faced legal problems yet, both worry about the day one is turned away at the emergency room or stripped of their rights to make important medical decisions for the other—all further evidence that antiquiated marriage laws in all states need to be updated.

Especially after a 2000 case in Texas where lawyers for Christie Lee Littleton, a Texas male-to-female transsexual suing her husband’s doctors for wrongful death, tried to explain her situation: “Taking this situation to its logical conclusion, Mrs. Littleton, while in San Antonio, Texas, is a male and has a void marriage; as she travels to Houston, Texas, and enters federal property, she is female and a widow; upon traveling to Kentucky she is female and a widow; but, upon entering Ohio, she is once again male and prohibited from marriage; entering Connecticut, she is again female and may marry; if her travel takes her north to Vermont, she is male and may marry a female; if instead she travels south to New Jersey, she may marry a male.”

Seems simple enough to us: everybody gets a civil union, which is recognized by law the way straight marriage is today. If people then want to get married in the church, just like they baptize their babies, go for it. But that's just us, we're not big God fans.

[NYT: Through Sickness, Health and Sex Change]

If Only It Was the Apocalypse: 7-Year-Old Found with Crack at School

Emily Farris — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We'll admit, we once gathered some Comet and powdered sugar and took it to fourth grade in little plastic baggies to emulate something we'd seen on "21 Jump Street." We grew up in a kind-of white trash place and aside from wanting to seem tough on the playground, we can't think of why we ever thought it was a good idea. (Aside: we went on to win the DARE essay writing contest in the fifth grade). But we'd never have thought of taking real crack to elementary school. Plus it's not like our parents had it lying around the house.

Police say a 7-year-old boy was found to have 70 grams of crack cocaine in his possession. According to police, the boy's older sister saw that her brother had a large amount drugs in his possession after they arrived at Parker Elementary School in Trenton. She told school officials, who alerted authorities.

Police have since arrested the boy's parents on drug charges and for endangering the welfare of a child. The Division of Youth and Family Services have taken custody of the 7-year-old and his 10-year-old sister.

[6abc.com: Police: Boy, 7, found with crack cocaine in school]

Pictures of Guys With Spray Tans

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:26:00 GMT

Barstool Sports has put together a nice collection of guys, in New Jersey, with spray tans. We're pretty sure we see the same guy reappear in a few pictures, so BS either ganked these from some kid's MySpace page or he knows one of these guys. Either way, it's hilarious and disturbing and reminds us of when we were 13 and had orange legs and wore way too much eye shadow. Except this is worse. Much, much worse.

[Barstool Sports via BoingBoing]

UPDATE: We learned via a BoingBoing commenter that these pictures come from Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and that guy who appears in many of the pictures was Douchebag of the Year, 2007. Yes!

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